Townsfolk and Bar Patrons
Peppermint Hippo DJ
Head Adventurer William P. Connolly, Esquire
Prelude["Previously on South Park..."
Daytime. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are playing with their toy trucks and cars under a tree in the neighborhood park. The basketball court, slide, and grass are cleared of snow. Stan runs up to them]
|Stan:||You guys, you guys! Chef is going away. [the others look up at him]|
|Kyle:||Going away? For how long?|
|[Cut to the boys in the school kitchen, watching Chef pack up his apron]|
|Chef:||I'm sorry boys.|
|[Cut to Chef in a bookstore]|
|Stan:||Chef said he's been bored, so he joining a group called the Super Adventure Club. [Chef opens a pamphlet about the club]|
|[Cut to Chef in Mrs. Garrison's classroom]|
|Mrs. Garrison:||Chef?? What kind of questions do you think adventuring around the world is gonna answer?!|
|Chef:||What's the meaning of life? Why are we here?|
|Mrs. Garrison:||I hope you're making the right choice.|
|[Cartman's house, day. Cartman crying in front of Butters, in the middle of the living room]|
|Cartman:||I'm gonna miss him. [Butters walks forward a few steps and puts his hand on the sofa] I'm gonna miss Chef and I...and I don't know how to tell him! [turns his head left and cries into his left arm]|
|[Stan and Kyle sit on a log by Stark's Pond watching the sun set]|
|Stan:||Dude, how are we gonna go on? Chef was our fuh...f-ffriend. [Kyle draws close and hugs him]|
|[Cut to a meeting room in City Hall. The room is decorated with balloons and a sign saying "Good Luck, Chef!!" hangs over the town mayor]|
|Mayor McDaniels:||And we will all miss you, Chef, [Chef watches from a nearby table] but we know you must do what your heart tells you..|
|[Dusk. Chef boards a Super Adventure Club jet. The town is out to see him off at the airport.]|
|Mr. Mackey:||So long!|
|A Man:||So long, Chef!|
|A Sign-Holder:||Good-bye, Chef!|
|Randy:||Good-bye, Chef! Have a great time with the Super Adventure Club!|
|Chef:||[waves] Good-bye! [goes to his seat and disappears from the door. The door clsoes and the plane taxis away. The town waves good-bye to Chef again and Cartman cries uncotrolably. The plane climbs into the sky]|
The Story[And now, Part Two of "Life Without Chef"
The boys are playing Uno in Stan's house - check out the new carpeting. Their insults to each other are flat now that Chef is gone.]
|Kyle:||Draw two card, fatass.|
|Cartman:||[draws two and puts one down] Reverse to you, Jew. [the doorbell rings]|
|Stan:||[irritable] I'll get it. [rises and walks over. He opens the door...]|
|Chef:||Hello there, children!|
|Cartman:||All right! [applause comes out of nowhere. Chef gives them a group hug]|
|Kyle:||Chef! I can't believe you're back!|
|Chef:||Well, it's true.|
|Stan:||But are you back for good?|
|[The bar, daytime. Mrs. Garrison bursts through the door with the big news.]|
|Mrs. Garrison:||Hey eveybody! Chef's back!|
|Patrons:||What? All right! Yeah! [they clear the bar to meet Chef]|
|Randy:||Oh, finally! [prances away gleefully after the others]|
|[Jimbo's house, later. Jimbo serves up lemonade. Everyone is laughing at Chef's tales, but they quiet down]|
|Gerald:||Wow! It seems like you had a great time with the Super Adventure Club, Chef. They sound like really interesting people.|
|Mrs. Garrison:||But now that you're back here, does that mean that you're not in the Super Adventure Club anymore?|
|Randy:||Ohhh, so have you decided you can still belong to the Super Adventure Club but live here in South Park again?|
|Randy:||Well, it seems like the Super Adventure Club was just what you needed, Chef. You must be feeling very happy that you found a club to belong to with new friends, but that you can also live here in South Park with all your old friends whom you care for deeply. [catches his breath] Right?|
|Chef:||That's right. Randy! [everyond laughs approvingly]|
|Jimbo:||Well Chef, you're welcome to stay with me until you buy another house.|
|Chef:||Thank you. Jimbo.|
|Randy:||Well, come on everybody. I'm sure Chef would like a little time to get moved back in.|
|Chef:||That's right! Thank you. Good-bye- Everybody.|
|Townsfolk:||Later. Great to have you back. Bye-bye. Seeya Chef. See you later. Bye-bye|
|Kyle:||Well, I- guess we'll see you in school tomorrow, Chef.|
|Chef:||You bet! Good-bye. Children! [the boys are puzzled at the way he's replying to them. It sounds choppy.]|
|Stan:||Right. Uh, seeya.|
|[Outside Jimbo's house. The boys walk down the steps and move toward the sidewalk]|
|Cartman:||Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you?|
|Stan:||[stops. The others stop too. Stan looks up] Well, look. he said he's happier now. Maybe he just needs to rest up a little.|
|Kyle:||Yeah. I'm sure whatever that Super Adventure Club does is pretty tiring.|
|Stan:||[turns left and cross the street. The others follow] Yeah, but whatever, I'm just glad he's back for good.|
|Kenny:||(Yeah, me too.)|
|[South Park Elementary, lunchtime. The floor is darker now]|
|A Boy:||[at one of the tables] It's really weird what he said. I don't know, it kind of confused me.|
|Cartman:||Oh boy oh boy, I can't wait to have Chef's lunch food again.|
|Kyle:||Yeah. I hope he makes his Salisbury steak with buttered noodles! [a distraught Clyde walks by and stops.]|
|Clyde:||You guys, you guys.|
|Clyde:||Something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.|
|Clyde:||I think... [glances at his food, then] I think he wants to have sex with me.|
|Clyde:||I gotta- I gotta go. [turns right and walks off]|
|Kyle:||Weirdo. [Fosse moves up and gets his lunch; the boys follow him in]|
|Chef:||Hello there, children!|
|The Boys:||Hey Chef|
|Chef:||How's it goin'?|
|Chef:||Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love?|
|Cartman:||[The boys are stunned] Excuse me?|
|Chef:||Come on, children! You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweeet love.|
|Kyle:||...Chef?? A-are you okay?|
|Chef:||I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle.|
|Stan:||Dude, what are you saying??|
|Chef:||I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children.|
|[Mr. Mackey's office, later. A detective is in waiting to talk to the class]|
|Det. Jarvis:||Hi kids, I'm Detective Jarvis. I need to ask you all some difficult questions about your school cafeteria chef.|
|Kyle:||This doesn't make any sense!|
|Det. Jarvis:||We have some information that all this time Chef has been and still is a pedophile.|
|Stan:||No, he's not.|
|Det. Jarvis:||[childish voice] Uh huh.|
|Stan:||No, he's not.|
|Det. Jarvis:||[childish voice] Yeah, yeah he is so.|
|Butters:||What's a pedophile?|
|Det. Jarvis:||Now, we need some tesimony in order to arrest Chef, [whips out generic plush doll with no features on it whatsoever] so I'm gonna use this doll to ask you kids a few questions. Did Chef ever touch any of you... here? [points to the genital area]|
|Det. Jarvis:||Okay, did he touch you here? [moves two fingers over the groin]|
|Det. Jarvis:||[sits the doll on his right lap and starts rubbing the doll's nipples] Did he ever do this? How about this? [lifts the doll to his face and wags his tongue over the doll's genital area]|
|Butters:||My Uncle Bud did that to me once! [smiles at the memory]|
|Det. Jarvis:||[gets off the desk and walks around] Did Chef ever try one of these on for size? [places the doll face down on the desk and starts simulating sex]|
|Kyle:||Goddamnit, Chef isn't like that! Something funny is going on around here!|
|Det. Jarvis:||[continues humping] Young man, will you PLEASE pay attention! This is very important stuff! Ohhh. Ohhhhhh.|
|[South Park Elementary, afterschool. The kids pour out of the school. The boys come out last, and the doors close. Chef appears before them]|
|Chef:||Hello there, children!|
|Kyle:||[the boys look at each other] Chef, the police are asking questions about you!|
|Chef:||Oh really? Well, let's all go home and make love.|
|Stan:||No, Chef, we don't wanna make love to you!|
|Chef:||Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass|
|Kyle:||Chef, CHEF! You need to get out of here before you get arrested, all right?!|
|Chef:||I specializes in your asshole, Kyle. [turns and walks away]|
|Cartman:||...Man, I can't believe all this time, Chef just wanted us for sex.|
|Kyle:||He didn't want us for sex, fatass! Something is making him say those things.|
|Kyle:||Something must have happened to Chef while he was gone. Maybe he hit his head or, or got stuck in some quantum time vortex.|
|Stan:||Well look: he spent the last three months with that adventurers' club. Maybe they know what happened to him.|
|Kenny:||(Yeah! I think...)|
|Kyle:||All right, come on guys!|
|[The Super Adventure Club, day. The club is a rambling house several stories tall, and access to it is just one rope bridge. The entrance to the bridge reads "Super Adventure Club." The boys approach it calmly and walk upon the bridge.]|
|Cartman:||Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? Jewbs. [they step off on the other side and approach the front door. Stan reaches over and pulls the rope that rings the house's bell. A black butler opens up]|
|Butler:||May I help you.|
|Kyle:||Ahh, hi, can we speak to the head guy or something?|
|Butler:||Right this way. [the boys enter and the butler leads them to the ]|
|Head Adventurer:||Now, the upper rim of Kilimanjaro should be quite a trek, and so we'll need to have a-|
|Butler:||Excuse me, sir. These boys wanted to speak with you.|
|Head Adventurer:||Ahh yes, splendid! Good afternoon, lads! I'm Head Adventurer William P. Connolly, Esquire! Welcome, to the Super Adventure Club!|
|Club Members:||Tally ho!|
|Kyle:||Ahh, hi. Our friend joined your club a while back, and now he wants to molest kids. [the members just look around]|
|Mr. Connolly:||What? Well... well yes, of course! That's what the Super Adventure Club does!|
|Marksman:||We travel the world and have sex with children!|
|Marine:||Yes, what else would we do?|
|Kyle:||Well, we thought you went exploring and like, hunting and stuff!|
|Mr. Connolly:||Noo, no, that's the Adventure Club. We're the Super Adventure Club! [turns and approaches a world map from maybe two centuries ago] Next week, we'll be heading to the outer banks of the Amazon, where we will make camp and have sex with children of the Ugani tribe, then it's off to the mighty Himalayas, where we will climb K-2, and molest several Tibetan children on the east summit.|
|Mr. Connolly:||I know, but it gets even better! From there we will kayak to the fruitful banks of the Mele River in Africa, where the secret and mysterious Hanimi people have children who have never seen a white man's erect penis. Of course, we're always looking for kids to have sex with on the plane rides over to these places, so how would you ALL like to join the Super Adventure Club!|
|Mr. Connolly:||No? Oh really? Perhaps I should ask you again? [whips out a portable hypnotizer and makes some sound effects] How would you like to join the Super Adventure Club? [more sound effects]|
|Stan:||[unaffected] No! [Mr. Connolly tries harder, even stepping forward...]|
|Kyle:||Dude, what are you doing?!|
|Mr. Connolly:||[looks at his machine] Oh well, it doesn't work on everybody. [lowers it to his side] Well, so long then|
|Kyle:||Just what the hell is that thing?!|
|Mr. Connolly:||What? What thing? I don't see anything.|
|Kyle:||HA! I knew it!|
|Kyle:||The reason Chef has been saying those terrible things about us is because he's been brainwashed! By this- fruity little club! [the eyes of the other three are opened]|
|Cartman:||Oh, son of a bitch!|
|[Robert J. Neeland, psychiatry. Chef and the boys are in the waiting room with a woman reading a magazine.]|
|Chef:||Come on, children. Let's all go home and make love.|
|Stan:||You need to see a psychiatrist, Chef. It's for your own good.|
|Chef:||I just like to make love up your butt.|
|Woman:||[turns away] Oh my God!|
|Nurse:||[redhead, comes out to get the next patient] Mr. Chef, is it?|
|Kyle:||All right, come on. [they follow the nurse in]|
|Dr. Neeland:||Hello, I'm Dr. Neeland. What can I do for you today?|
|Kyle:||Hi, a-a-our friend has been brainwashed by some fruity little club.|
|Dr. Neeland:||[approaches chef] Brainwashed.|
|Stan:||Yeah, he joined the Super Adventure Club, and they convinced him having sex with children was okay with a little thing that goes whrrrrrr.|
|Dr. Neeland:||I thought that club was for hiking and kayaking.|
|Stan:||No, that's the Adventure Club. The Super Adventure Club has sex with children.|
|Dr. Neeland:||Oh. ...Oh, that's right, yeah.|
|Chef:||Doctor, do you have- children?|
|Dr. Neeland:||Why, yes, I have two young boys.|
|Chef:||Have you all been sodomizing your children too?|
|Dr. Neeland:||You say he's never been like this before?|
|Cartman:||No, Chef has always been super-cool.|
|Chef:||I'm gonna make love to the children.|
|Dr. Neeland:||He's pretty brainwashed all right. Worst case I've ever seen.|
|Cartman:||So what can we do??|
|Dr. Neeland:||I'm afraid there's no simple answer. When somebody's brainwashed it can take months, even years, to reverse the process.|
|Kyle:||But we don't have years! If Chef keeps this up, he's gonna go to jail forever!|
|Dr. Neeland:||Tell me, what was Chef's favorite thing to do before it was having sex with children?|
|Stan:||Having sex with women.|
|Dr. Neeland:||Then that's it. We'd better get your friend to the Peppermint Hippo right away.|
|[The Peppermint Hippo. The place is busy with pole dancers doing what they do best and so on.]|
|DJ:||All right guys, be sure to tip the waitresses; this is two for one; put your hands together, this is Moniqueh|
|Chef:||[a long-haired blonde tries to excite him] Aw, come on, children. Let's go home.|
|Stan:||This isn't working.|
|Dr. Neeland:||Well let's... give it some more time, kids. [a brunette is keeping him busy.]|
|Stripper:||[coarse voice] Would you like to daaance???|
|Kyle:||No thanks. We're trying to unbrainwash our friend.|
|Stripper:||[walks away] Daaance??? Anybody wanna daaance???|
|Cartman:||Come on, bitch! Dance!|
|Blonde:||Up yours, fatty.|
|Cartman:||Bitch, I'll twist your nuts off!|
|DJ:||All right guys, help me feel it out to them; we got a featured dancer coming out next; put your hands together for... Spantaneous Bootay! [an imense black stripper walks out, down the runway, and to the stripper pole, stout enough to hold her up. Chef leans his head to the right to get a better look.]|
|Stan:||Come on guys, we might as well go. [the boys prepare to leave. The obese stripper can move, though, and Chef is interested. He drops the blonde off and approaches the stage]|
|Stan:||Chef, we're leaving.|
|Dr. Neeland:||Nono, wait. Let him go. [Chef moves closer and stands in awe of Spantaneous Bootay]|
|Spantaneous Bootay:||[walks up to Chef] Come here, chubby. [buries his face between her breasts and rattles it with them, then turns around and buries his face between her ass cheeks and rattles it with them as well. She releases him from their hold]|
|Chef:||Wait a minute.|
|Chef:||Children! What have I done?|
|Cartman:||It's okay Chef. Go on, remember!|
|Chef:||I'm goinna- I'm goinna-|
|Kyle:||Come on, Chef! You can do it!|
|Chef:||I'm goinna make love to you woman, 'gonna lay you down by the fiyuh!
||Chef:||Hey children, everybody! I'm back! [a tranquilizer dart flies in on his left side and strikes him under the ear, behind the jaw, and his smile vanishes] Ow.
||Mr. Connolly:||[The Club is there] Great shot, William! Hit him with another. [William, dressed in outback gear, blows another dart out through a tube. This one lands in Chef's left arm]
||Chef:||Oh! [gets groggy quickly and drops like a sack of potatoes.]
||[Super Adventure Club, a stormy night]
||Mr. Connolly:||Tally ho, lads! I must say you're starting to become quite a thorn in my balls.
||Stan:||Where's Chef?! What have you done with him?!
||Mr. Connolly:||He's safe. [presses a remote control. The main screen comes on and Chef is shown strapped down to a bed while William sits in a chair at its foot] He's fasting in the Deprivation Room and being read the Super Adventure Club manual. We've got to undo the damage you've done.
||Cartman:||Look: If you wanna go around the world molesting kids, that's totally fine. But why do you need Chef?!
||Mr. Connolly:||We don't need him, he needs us! Our club offers hope. Do you think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really really really really good?! No! Our club has a message! And a secret that explains the mysteries of life!
||Stan:||Oh Jesus, here we go.
||Mr. Connolly:||Very well. I'm now going to tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club.
||Stan:||We don't wanna hear it.
||Mr. Connolly:||You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest exploere of all time, William P. Phinehas! [a gregarious man with an open smile in the picture] Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, [a shot of him climbing up a mountain] but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it. [A shot of Phinehas reaching a summit, only to find two Brits there, celebrating] Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas! [Phinehas with some Australian natives] Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal. [a shot of him with those kids] But now the most wonderful part. You see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that... molesting all those kids... had made him immortal.
||Mr. Connolly:||He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies. [a graphic of kid bodies appears, and bright dots dapple them and move around] And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos. [a blue monster alien with a bright red crown. Next shot, Phinehas in the gondola of a hot-air balloon with several boys] Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892. [a shot of Phinehas' body on the train's bumper]
||Kyle:||...Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
||Mr. Connolly:||Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
||Stan:||Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.
||Mr. Connolly:||Well, now that you know our club secrets, it appears you ... leave us no choice. I'm afraid we're going to have to... ask you to leave. [dramatic fanfare]
||Stan:||We're not leaving without Chef.
||Mr. Connolly:||If you choose not to leave, then I'm afraid we're just going to have to ... call security and make you leave. [dramatic fanfare] You'll be let out by security and it will be super-embarassing and everyone here will see! [laughs more and more sinisterly. Moments later...] Okay, you know how like, when you want people to leave but they won't leave, it's really frustrating?
||Kyle:||We're not going anywhere without Chef.
||Mr. Connolly:||Cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome. [the boys do not move] You petulent fools! You just had to push it, didn't you? You don't realize who you're dealing with here. Security! [two officers come out and stand behind the boys] Take these boys to the door.
||Guard 1:||All right, come on kids.
||Mr. Connolly:||[the lights come on] Haha! Look they're being led out by security! Haha!
||Stan:||[to one of the guards] No, you don't understand! They've got our friend in the Deprivation Room!
||Guard 2:||This is their house and they don't want you here. [about to push Stan out the door. Kyle grabs a bat from a nearby jar and whacks the second guard in the back and the first guard on the legs. They both fall. The boys run towards the Deprivation Room]
||Kyle:||Sorry, dude, but this fruity little club isn't taking our friend!
||[The Deprivation Room. William reads to Chef]
||William:||And sex with Eskimo children requires some special skills. [the boys break the door down]
||Kyle:||Chef, come on!
||William:||Get out of here!
||Cartman:||Kenny! Spin Blossom Nut Squash!
||Kenny:||[launches himself into a spinning projectile] (Yeeeeehah!) [smashes William's groin. William doubles over in pain]
||Stan:||[rushes up to Chef] Come on, Chef!
||Chef:||[struggling] I can't... break these locks. [those are solid locks indeed]
||Kyle:||Here! [walks up to the fallen William, gets a small ax from him, walks up to Chef and chops the locks open. They escape the Deprivation Room]
||[The club's living room. The boys run through it on the way out]
||Mr. Connolly:||[turns to see what's happening] What the-? Impossible! I made them leave!
||Kyle:||Get outside! [Chef and the boys reach the front doors]
||Mr. Connolly:||Stop them! [he leads the adventurers in the charge]
||[Outside the club. Chef and the boys run out, heading for the bridge]
||Chef:||Children! Ruuun! [they run to the other end of the bridge]
||Mr. Connolly:||Stop! [his group runs out of the club. Stan and the others reach the other side]
||Stan:||We made it!
||Mr. Connolly:||[calling out] Don't you remember why you left South Park in the first place?? [Chef stops in his tracks]
||Stan:||Chef, come on!
||Mr. Connolly:||You sought adventure! And why do people seek adventure? Because their lives have become dull and empty!
||Kyle:||Yeah, he wanted adventure! Not a bunch of ridiculous bullcrap! Right Chef? [Chef's hesitance shoes a dilemma] Chef?
||Mr. Connolly:||Don't forget all your training, Chef! Stay with us and your life will be GRAND and ETERNAL!
||Stan:||[softly] Chef, we love you.
||Chef:||[his eyes shift back and forth with his thoughts] I'm sorry children. [turns and walks towards the club]
||Kyle:||No! Chef, they've filled your head with lies! Can't you see that??
||Chef:||Get the hell out of here, children!!
||Mr. Connolly:||Yesss. Looks like our fruity little club is safe after all. [a fierce flash of lightning tears the bridge in two, right behind Chef. Fire leaps on him and he screams] NO! [The club end of the bridge smashes into the cliff]
||The Boys:||Chef! [Chef tries to scramble up the bridge, but the fire is too fast and consumes it. He can't climb. The club members approach the edge of the cliff. One of them inadvertently kicks a stone off and it hits Chef, knocking him off the bridge and to his doom below.]
||Chef:||Ack. [He bounces off five jagged rocks before finally...] Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh! Damnit! [...landing on the jagged stub of wood piercing through some rocks, which impales him] Ah- Awww! [blood spreads ouit under him]
||Stan:||NO! [Chef struggles to get up, but can't move. A mountain lion leaps down into view]
||Cartman:||A mountain lion! [the lion grabs at Chef's right arm, but is having trouble ripping it off]
||Mr. Connolly:||We can't lose another member! Shoot it! [the marksman aims and fires]
||Marksman:||All right, this! [fires twice, but the lion remains unaffected and continues pulling at Chef's arm]
||Kyle:||[heartbroken] Chehef! [a huge bear appears]
||Cartman:||A grizzly bear!
||[the bear stands on its hind legs and roars at the lion, who lets go of Chef and runs up to the challenge. The lion leaps on the bear, trying to go for the jugular, but the bear grabs it and throws it off. The lion hits a cliff wall and falls onto the ground, dazed, but quickly gets up and sinks its fangs into Chef's head. Chef's face and left eye come off and Chef is left babbling. The lion bites into Chef's right arm again while the bear has a hold of Chef's right foot, and at the same time, bear and lion each take a limb. Chef's legs and hips rip away from his torso, and Chef is effectively dead. The bear and lion walk off in different directions with their meals.]
||Stan:||Oh my God... They killed Chef.
||Kyle:||You bastards. YOU BASTARDS!
||Mr. Connolly:||Pity. He would have made an excellent child molester. [the men turn and go back to the clubhouse]
||Cartman:||Maybe- maybe he's still okay. [the other boys look at him like he's dumb] No, really. They say the last thing you do before you die is crap your-
||Chef:||POOOT! [a mean final fart, and a soiled log falls out]
||Cartman:||Oh never mind.
||Stan:||Come on, let's go. [the boys leave the precipice]
||[South Park, a nice, sunny day. Spring is in the air. and a funeral for Chef is set in the town square. A long line of people is paying its respects. Mrs. Garrison steps up to the coffin, and Principal Victoria stands next to her for support. Down in the coffin is a spatula with a red ribbon around it. Kyle steps up to the podium, on which sits a picture of Chef and on the front of which hangs a wreath with the banner "R.I.P. CHEF."]
||Kyle:||We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. [Elton John and Kathy Lee Gifford are present] Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. [Stan, Cartman and Kenny look down at their feet] But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. [they perk up a bit] I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. [Timmy and Jimmy are sitting together] I'm gonna remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. [Terrance and Phillip are present, weeping quietly] So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that little fruity club for scrambling his brains.
||Mr. Mackey:||He's right. [soft applause rises from the crowd]
||Kyle:||And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef... that's still alive in us all. [smiles]
||[The SAC house, operating room. The club members have gone down to retrieve Chef and put him on the table. Mr. Connolly and two of his men quickly get to work]
||Mr. Connolly:||Is it working? Is it working?
||Tech:||Yes. We've got a pulse!
||Mr. Connolly:||Get him in the ICU suit! Hurry! [an ICU suit is fitted onto Chef] We have done it! Good! Raise him up! [Chef and the operating table are tilted upright - but this Chef looks like Darth Vader. He has a glowing red spatula in his right hand] Chef, can you hear me? Say something.
||Darth Chef:||Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury steak?
||Mr. Connolly:||Yes, go on.
||Darth Chef:||And for dessert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?
||Mr. Connolly:||Oh? You mean like a chocolate candy?
||Darth Chef:||No, I mean my balls.
||Mr. Connolly:||Yes, YESS! Hahahahahahaaa!
||[The conversion is complete. End of The Return of Chef!.]