Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Butters
Clyde
Craig
Token
The Broflovskis
The Marshes
The Stotches
Jimbo
Darryl Weathers
Richard Tweek
Mrs. Garrison
Mr. Mackey
Townsfolk
Peter Thompson, Nancy Jarvis, and Brian Thompson-Jarvis
Paul McDonahue, Paulie Beaumont-McCallahan, and Mindy McDonahue-Beaumont-McCallahan
Alan
KXUV DJ
Blonde
Wake Up America! Spokeswoman
Ranger McFriendly
Keenan Williams
Alan, two San Francisco boys
Gas station attendant
San Francisco man
| [Downtown South Park, day. A hybrid car zips along Main Street. Gerald is driving it, with Kyle and Ike in the back seat and Ike safely tocked into his car seat behind Gerald. He stops in front of the Tweek house. The car has "hybrid" plastered all over it] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Gerald: | Hey there, Richard! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Richard: | [stops shoveling snow and stands up] Oh, hey Gerald. New car? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Gerald: | Yeah. It's a hybrid. I just... I just couldn't sit back and- [closes his eyes as if to banish bad thoughts] be a part of destroying the earth anymore.
| Richard: | Well... Good for you.
| Gerald: | Oho... [gives a thumbs up, closes his eyes and says with a slight falsetto] Thaanks. [drives off and back into town, where Mr. Stotch and Mrs. Garrison observe him drive by]
| Stephen: | Well, there goes the new high-and-mighty Gerald Broflovski.
| Mrs. Garrison: | Yeah, ever since he got that new hybrid he thinks he's better than everyone else.
| [An intersection. Gerald ends up abreast of an SUV and gets the driver's attention.]
| Gerald: | You know, the emissions from a vehicle like yours causes irreparable damage to the ozone. I drive a hybrid; it's much better for the environment. [begins to drive away, with his eyes closed] Thaaanks.
| Kyle: | Dad, can we go home? All you ever do since you got this car is drive around and show it off! [a quite-satisfied Gerald stops at the next intersection. Another hybrid car pulls up alongside him]
| Driver: | Hey, is that a hybrid?
| Gerald: | Oh yes. You've got one too, I see.
| Driver: | Yeah, I like to be a part of the soluuution and not part of the probluuhm. Well, anyway, [sticks his thumb up through the passenger window] good for you!
| Gerald: | [sticks up his thumb in return and begins to drive away with his eyes closed] Thaaanks.
| Kyle: | [firmly] Dad, I think Ike is starving to death. [Ike's eyes are half-closed and he's getting woozy]
| Gerald: | Hold on, boys. We still have to go to the hardware store, and hand out awareness citations to SUV cars in the parking lot.
| Kyle: | What?!
| [True-Value Hardware and Home Improvement. Gerald begins posting citations on cars. He and his boys are wearing orange safety vests. Kyle and Ike are none too pleased about having to do this]
| Gerald: | Okay, there's another one. [smiles and looks up after posting a citation on a green car] Aw, man! Look at that! [walks two cars over] Can you believe this?! An SUV with a V8 engine, makes me sick! [begins writing up a citation] "Ticket for driving a gas-guzzler"
| Kyle: | <>[catches up] Dad, can we go home, please?
| Gerald: | Look, there's a Jeep over there! Go write them a ticket, Kyle!
| Kyle: | But Dad, I want-
| Gerald: | NOW, KYLE! [Kyle's eyelids drop and he goes to write the citation. He and Stan cross paths]
| Stan: | Oh hey Kyle.
| Kyle: | Aw, hey dude. What are you doing here?
| Stan: | Helping my Dad pick out some cool new power tools. What are you doing?
| Kyle: | [his head drops] Helping my Dad give people fake tickets. [Randy reaches his red SUV and notices the citiation on his windshield]
| Randy: | What's this? [takes the citation and reads it]
| Gerald: | Oh! Sorry Randy. Looks like you got a ticket.
| Randy: | A ticket? "Failure to care about the environment" Oh Goddamnit, did you do this, Gerald?!
| Gerald: | Yeah. I'm just, you know, trying to make people more aware yayou know, it's a-
| Randy: | You got some nerve, you know that?! Where do you come off ticketing people?!
| Gerald: | Well, Randy, calm down. It's not a real ticket.
| Randy: | I know it's not a real ticket!!
| Jimbo: | [approaches] Broflovski, did you put this crap on my windshield?! [Randy crosses his arms]
| Gerald: | Jimbo, your truck probably gets less than ten miles to the gallon.
| Jimbo: | [crumples the ticket into a wad and throws it down] Well thanks, Officer Dickhole!
| Kyle: | Dad, let's just go!
| Gerald: | Look, I'm just trying to make the people of South Park aware of a very serious problem.
| Randy: | The problem, Gerald, is that ever since you got a hybrid car, you've gotten so smug that you love the smell of your own farts!
| Gerald: | Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't think it was "high and mighty" to [closes his eyes] care about the earth!
| Randy: | And that too! Stop talking with your eyes closed! That's what smug people do!
| Gerald: | Well, I really don't see how [closes his eyes] that has anything to do with the-
| Randy: | There, like that! Stop that!
| Darryl: | Who the hell put this faggy fake ticket on my truck!
| Gerald: | All right, that does it! Come on, Kyle, I don't want you hanging around with these ignorant idiots! [they walk away, and Ike bounces along]
| [The Broflovski kitchen, night. Gerald and Sheila chat as Sheila washes dishes]
| Gerald: | Yeah. Yeah, I think it's best we just do it right away.
| Kyle: | [walks into the kitchen with Ike] Dad. [his parents turn to face him] Dad, Ike and I have been talking, and well, we feel that your new car is changing you.
| Gerald: | [closes his eyes] Yes, it certainly is.
| Kyle: | We're thinking that a lot of people in town starting tooo... [rolls his eyes]
| Ike: | Take offense.
| Kyle: | ...a-are starting to take offense at your actions. We feel like you're starting to becuhhhm... [rolls his eyes again and cues Ike]
| Ike: | [slowly] Alienated.
| Kyle: | ...star-starting to become alienated from some of your friends.
| Gerald: | Well, I totally agree, Kyle.
| Kyle: | You do??
| Gerald: | Yes. A lot of people in town just aren't ready to drive hybrid cars.
| Kyle: | Righ! [grins] Okay, good.
| Gerald: | And that's why, [hugs Sheila by the shoulder] I've talked it over with your mother, and [releases the hug] ...we've decided to MOVE!
| Kyle: | What??
| Gerald: | We need to be where everyone is motivated and progressive like us! Start getting your things packed, boys! The Broflovksi family is moving to San Francisco! [grins. Kyle and Ike look stunned]
| [Stan's room, day. Stan has a book open, but his thoughts are elsewhere. Someone knocks on his door]
| Stan: | Yeah? [the door opens and Butters enters]
| Butters: | Uh hay, Stan. Uh you should come on over. Uh they're havin' a goin'-away party for Kyle.
| Stan: | Going away party? What do you mean?
| Butters: | Well don't you know? Kyle's movin' away.
| Stan: | [jumps off his chair and looks at Butters] Moving away?? Kyle can't move away!
| Butters: | Well he is.
| Stan: | Where's the going-away party?
| Butters: | At Cartman's house.
| [Cartman's house. There is indeed a party there, but Kyle isn't visible among the guests. The other fourth-graders are enjoying themselves. A banner above the sofa reads]
| GOODBYE KYLE!
| Cartman: | [walks into the living room with a pitcher and cups of pop] Hey everybody! There's more pop in the refrigerator. Let's make this the best going-away party EVER! [blows into a noisemaker and makes it stick out. Other kids walk up and take cups away]
| Token: | Hey Eric, where's Kyle?
| Cartman: | Who? [smiles innocently]
| Clyde: | Kyle, the person leaving.
| Cartman: | Kyle? Why would I invite Kyle?
| Craig: | Dude, a going-away party is suppose to be for the person who is going away!
| Stan: | [enters the house and the other boys move a bit] Kyle? Kyle!
| Clyde: | Kyle's not here. Cartman didn't invite him.
| Stan: | What?!
| Cartman: | You guys, this is our party. That no-good back-stabbing Jew rat is finally leaving! Come on, everyone! Let's sing! [Stan leaves] | Nanana na! Nanana na! Hey hey hey! Goodbye Kyle! [Kyle's house, front lawn, day. His family is almost finished packing everything into the moving van]
| Stan: | Kyle! Du-what is going on?!
| Kyle: | My Dad says he can't live here anymore.
| Stan: | Mr. Broflovski, please. Kyle's my best friend.
| Gerald: | I'm sorry, Stan, but unfortunately you live in a small-minded town filled with ignorant boobs.
| Stan: | Well... Maybe they'll change.
| Gerald: | [puts a small box into the trunk] I wouldn't count on it. Come on, boys, get in the car! [Kyle and Ike head towards it]
| Stan: | Nooo!
| Gerald: | [opens the back right door, and the boys climb in] Maybe you can make a difference, Stan. [closes the door] Maybe you can get everyone to drive hybrid cars. Until that day, [walks around to the driver's side] we're just gonna have to be [closes his eyes] with our own kind. [gets in and begins to drive away. Stan steps into the street and watches them go]
| Stan: | I will. I will get everyone to drive hybrid cars! I swear it!
| [San Francisco, day. The city is seen from the north, with the Golden Gate Bridge in the foreground. All around is a brown haze that hangs over the city, but people don't seem to notice it. Another shot has a streetcar go by as San Franciscans go about their day. The third shot is Chinatown, the fourth is the Haight-Ashbury district with hippies everywhere. The last shot is of a row of houses stepping up a hill. The moving van stops in front of one of them. The Broflovskis move into their new home/]
| Gerald: | Well? What do you think, huh? [the boxes are present, but as yet unpacked]
| Sheila: | Oh Gerald, it's beau-tiful.
| Gerald: | Yeah. Now THIS, is a house. [some neighbors stop in]
| Man: | Oh hello there, you must be the new neighbors.
| Gerald: | Yes that's right. We're the Broflovskis.
| Man: | Welcome to San Francisco. I'm Peter Thompson. This is my wife, Nancy Jarvis, and our son, Brian Thompson-Jarvis [sucking on something purple] So how do you like the neighborhood?
| Sheila: | Oh it's gorgeous. These old houses are so neat.
| Peter: | Yess, well, unlike most cities, in San Francisco we try to [closes his eyes] keep all the historic houses instead of knocking them down.
| Man 2: | [approaches the front entrance] You in here, Peter?
| Peter: | Oh hay, Paul. Come on in and meet the Broflovskis
| Paul: | Hello there. I'm Paul McDonahue. This is my wife, Paulie Beaumont-McCallahan, and our daughter, Mindy McDonahue-Beaumont-McCallahan
| Gerald and Sheila: | Hello.
| Paul: | We noticed your hybrid out front - that's a V series, right?
| Gerald: | Yeah. That's right.
| Peter: | Whoa, nice car, but we're gonna have to get you into the BT series [closes his eyes] Its emissions are actually cleaner.
| Gerald: | Wow, so, everyone here drives a hybrid, huh?
| Peter: | Oh, of course. We're a little more progressive and ahead of the curve here in San Franciso. [farts, then bends over to take it all in, then stands up again] Ahhhm. [licks his lips to savor every last bit of fart] Anyway, I'm sure you'll find it much better here.
| Paul: | Yes, you'll find that San Francisco is pretty much more open-minded and grown-up than the Midweat. [farts, then bends over to take it all in as if it were oxygen] Ahhh, [sniff] ahh, [sniff] ahh. [stands up] We're just a little bit more protective of our environment here in San Francisco
| Gerald: | Yeah. We sure are.
| [South Park, Stan's house, night. Stan is on his bed working out a new song on his guitar. His door is open]
| Stan: | Come on, people. Come on, people now. [Cartman and Butters enter]
| Cartman: | Dude, what are you doing?
| Stan: | I'm writing a song about the importance of hybrid cars, so maybe people will change their ways.
| Cartman: | THAT's gay, heh.
| Stan: | Well if I have any chance of getting Kyle back, I have to get people to stop driving SUVs!
| Cartman: | Why do you want Kyle back?? Don't you see how awesome it is without him?
| Stan: | You know, Cartman, you may be stoked now, but I bet you're gonna find that withuot Kyle around to rip on, your life is empty, and hollow.
| Cartman: | [fears that for a moment, then] Psh! Whatever dude. I don't need Kyle to rip on, I've got Butters. Come on, Butters, you stupid Jew! [walks out]
| Butters: | Yeah! I'm a dumb Jew. [walks out after Cartman. Stan resumes composing]
| Stan: | Come on, people. Come on, people now.
| [KXUV Radio Station. An exteme closeup of the host's booth.]
| DJ: | All right, all you dreamers and creamers out there out there in South Park, I'm gonna play a song by a local artist that really made me think about my impact on the earth. This is Stan Marsh with "Hey, People, You've Gotta Drive Hybrids Already" [Stan's intro begins to play]
| Stan: | Come on now, people now people now | People now, come on now, people now Got to drive hybrids, people now People now, people now, people now Hybrids are for people now, people now Group of people driving people now Get a hybrid, be good people now. [as he sings, the following takes place: FM 1 98.7 shows up, Randy notices his son singing, Jimbo notices his nephew singing, a stranger slumps a little in his car, Principal Victoria notices one of her students singing, other people stop to listen]
| Customer: | He's right. [people leave their cars and go to a Toyonda hybrid dealership]
| Stan: | We have all got to be people now | People-driving-hybrid people now People now, people now, hybrid now Hybrid-people-driving people now.
Come on, people, let's be people now [as he sings, the following takes place: Randy joins the rush of customers checking out hybrids at the dealership, Jimbo drives off in his new red hybrid and pulls up next to the Stotches, who are driving their new hybrid as well. They give each other thumbs up and gloat a bit. Another driver pulls up alongside Randy and gives him a thumbs up. Randy returns the gesture. More people check out the dealership. A blonde pulls up alongside Jimbo]
| Blonde: | Hey Jimbo, you got a hybrid too?
| Jimbo: | Yeah, I just wanted to [closes his eyes] try to set an example, you know?
| Blonde: | Yeah, I guess it's up to us to [closes her eyes] show everyone the way.[opens them] Good for you!
| Jimbo: | [cheerfully closes his eyes] Thaaanks. [drives off]
| [At an intersection]
| Mrs. Garrison: | Can you believe some people still don't drive hybrids? [pets her own hybrid]
| Randy: | I know! It's like "Earth to America? Hello? This is simple stuff here. Gawl"
| [Mr. Mackey is parked amid a small crowd]
| Mr. Mackey: | Well from now on, I'm only going to associate with other hybride-car drivers. Everyone else is just ignorant, m'kay?
| [Two drivers going the same direction]
| Driver 1: | [eyes closed, thumb up] Good for you!
| Driver 2: | [eyes closed, thumb up] Thaaanks!
| Randy: | [eyes closed, thumb up] At least we're smart enough to know better!
| Driver 3: | [leans out and looks back, eyes closed, thumb up] Thaaanks! [the street is now filled with hybrids]
| Stan: | Come on, everybody be people now
| [South Park Town Square, day. The stage is set up for a speech. On the curtains is a banner with a flag over it. The banner reads]
| WAKE UP AMERICA!
| Speaker: | And so we are here to honor Stan Marsh for making South Park the city with the highest percentage of hybrid owners in the country! [the crowd cheers]
| Richard: | If only the rest of the country [closes his eyes] was as insightful as we are.
| Stan: | [steps up and holds his trophy] Ah, thanks. I was really just trying to make it so my friend can move back here so... if you don't mind, I'm gonna try to get a hold of him now. [steps down and walks off the stage. The crowd cheers]
| Jimbo: | Great speech!
| Gerald: | Yeah, well, you know my son is just [closes his eyes] a little bit more clever than some.
| An officer: | [stops Stan as Stan steps onto solid ground] Hello there, I'm Ranger McFriendly. I'm the person who watches over the delicate ecosystem of South Park. You must be the little boy who wrote that song.
| Stan: | Yeah.
| Ranger McFriendly: | Uhh! [smacks Stan on the left cheek enough to spin his head around]
| Stan: | Ow!
| Ranger McFriendly: | You son of a bitch! Do you have any idea what you've done?!
| Stan: | What?!
| Ranger McFriendly: | Come with me! [walks off. Stan follows]
| [Ranger McFriendly and Stan walk to the top of a hill overlooking the town]
| Ranger McFriendly: | There! Look! [a dark brown cloud is showing hovering over the town]
| Stan: | Smog? There's never been smog over South Park before.
| Ranger McFriendly: | Don't you get it?! When people drive hybrid cars, they get so full of themselves they spew tons of self-satisfied garbage into the air! That isn't smog, it's smug!
| Stan: | Smug?
| Ranger McFriendly: | Hybrid cars make better for emission levels, but people who drive hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug. You can have smug in the atmosphere, and you know what that leads to? Glodal laming! Thanks to your gay little song, South Park is now the secong smuggiest city in America!
| [South Park breaking news. Awesome graphics]
| Announcer: | This is a South Park News Weather Bulletin!
| Anchor Tom: | It looks like we have a smug alert here in South Park. Our own Keenan Williams has the details. Keenan?
| Keenan: | [at the weather desk] Thanks, Tom, a smug alert is in effect at least tomorrow morning. [a map of Denver and surrounding areas] All those hybrid cars on the road have caused heavy smug to develop over most of Park and Jefferson Counties. On the national map, we can see smug over Denver and developing smug in Los Angeles. However, San Francisco is once again the smuggiest city in the country.
| [San Francisco, day. The scenes shown previously are repeated]
| Singer: | A smuggy day in San Francisco town.
| [The Broflovski house, housewarming party]
| Paul: | Sheila, did you meet Gail and Brian?
| Sheila: | No! Hello, how are you?
| Gail: | Really good, really good. [she farts and quickly bends over to inhale it all]
| Gerald: | Hey there. Alan, right?
| Alan: | Actually, it's Alain
| Gerald: | Right right, w-would, would you like red or white wine?
| Alan: | Can I just get an empty glass?
| Gerald: | Oh. Ssure. [hands him an emptry glass]
| Alan: | Can you believe all these imbecils in Texas? They just put another prisnoer to death. [puts the glass to his ass and farts into it, then lifts the glass to his nose and inhales deeply]
| [Kyle's room. Brian and Mindy are present with two other kids. All of them are on Ike's side of the room, two of them on Ike's bed, while Kyle and Ike are on Kyle's side, sitting on Kyle's bed.]
| Kyle: | [hesitant at first] So... what do you do for fun?
| Brian: | We drink and take drugs.
| Boy 1: | Do you want some acid?
| Kyle: | Oh, no thanks. We don't do that stuff.
| Boy 2: | You will. There's a reason most San Francisco kids take a lot of drugs.
| Brian: | It's the only thing that allows us to deal with our parents all walking around loving the smell of their own farts all the time.
| Gerald: | Everthing okay in here, Kyle?
| Kyle: | Yeah, fine, Dad.
| Gerald: | Sooo much better here with the intellectuals, isn't it, boys? [farts, then bends over and inhales his own fart] Wuhh [sniffs, rises and walks away] Mmmm.
| Kyle: | Well... maybe I'll take just half a hit of acid.
| Ike: | I want three.
| [Stan's house, day. Butters and Cartman aer playing a video game from Stan's sofa while Stan is on the phone]
| Stan: | No, no, I'm asking if there's a listing for Broflovski in San Francisco! They just moved there!
| Cartman: | Haha! Take that, Jew boy! I guess you Heebs can't even play video football!
| Butters: | [giggles] Yeah. You're right. [Cartman stops for a few seconds, then drops his controller]
| Cartman: | You know Butters, you make for a lousy Jew.
| Butters: | Well I'm sorry. Well it shows that I'm not Jewish, and now th-
| Cartman: | No, no! Don't apologize, you asshole!
| Ranger McFriendly: | [barging in] Marsh!
| Stan: | Oh crap, Ranger McFriendly.
| Cartman: | Who?
| Ranger McFriendly: | You'd better come with me to the news station! Our situation just got a lot worse!
| [South Park News station, later. Stan looks over Keenan's shoulder as McFriendly, Cartman and Butters look on]
| Keenan: | I noticed it on the computer this morning. Look here. [a satellite map is shown, with a closeup window over it. There's smug everywhere] This is the smug over South Park. It's... getting bigger and gaining strength.
| Cartman: | [clearly doesn't know what's happening] The smug?
| Keenan: | The smug is getting so massive that it's moving west... and fusing with the San Francisco smug... Here. [points to the smug over the California-Nevada border, near Reno] These two smug clouds are combining, fueling each other. [moves his hand over the hurricane-like formation over the Nevada-Utah border] Now take a look at this. [moves his hand towards Souther California. A small cell is moving northward]
| Stan: | What is that?
| Keenan: | It's the smug from George Clooney's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards.
| Stan: | George Clooney's acceptance speech?
| Keenan: | Did you hear it? He talked about how people in Hollywood are ahead of the curve on social mattes. He even took credit for the Civil Rights movement -Look!! The point is... the smug from his acceptance speech has been slowly drifting north since he gave it... and is headed straight for the supercell. The South Park and San Francisco smug is already at critical mass. If it gets hit by George Clooney's acceptance speech, it will be a disaster of epic proportions. The perfect storm... of self-satisfaction.
| Ranger McFriendly: | We've got to tell the townspeople! South Park still has a chance to make it through the storm!
| Stan: | What about San Francisco?
| Keenan: | [with gravity] Kid, thanks to your gay little song, there's not gonna be a San Francisco.
| [South Park Square, day. A town meeting has again been called, this time for storm preparation. Ranger McFriendly is talking]
| Ranger McFriendly: | Soo, that's it people. [a different map showing the various smugs is shown, with an arrow going from Clooney's smug to the center of the supercell] When the smug from George Clooney's speech hits the San Francisco and South Park smug, we're gonna witness a storm the likes of which we've never seen.
| Randy: | Are you trying to tell us the smug from our hybrids is actually gonna kill us all?
| Ranger McFriendly: | If the smug clouds remain the way they are, yes. [the crowd grasps, then people begin talking about it]
| Jimbo: | This is all Stan's fault! He wrote that gay little song and got us to drive those damned hybrids!
| Randy: | Yeah. Good going, stupid!
| Ranger McFriendly: | Listen! Though we all agree this is Stan's fault, there is still something we can do. If we all work together to reduce smugness, we might be able to lessen the effects of the storm, at least here in our own town.
| Stephen: | Then that's it. There's only one way to reduce smugness. We've gotta destroy every hybrid car in town! [the crowd responds vigorously to the plan]
| Jimbo: | Everyone get your hybrid and meet at Dawson's! [Stan turns left and walks away]
| Randy: | Hey, where do you think YOU're going?!
| Stan: | [stops and turns to face the crowd] I'm gonna try and warn Kyle to get out of San Francisco.
| Randy: | Oh no you're not! Your gay little song got us to drive hybrids; you're gonna help us get rid of 'em!
| Ranger McFriendly: | How long do we have until the smug clouds collide?
| Keenan: | Not long. The smug from George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech has already crossed into Arizona.
| [The Arizona desert, day. The smug is shown floating over a desert road. Dusty and Sons gas station is shown. The smug is quickly approaching the station.]
| Attendant: | The hell is that? [The cloud goes over the station. As it goes over, clips of George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech issue from within, ending with "Oscar winner, George Clooney, sexiest man alive"]
| [San Francisco, day. Cartman and Butters are at the city limit, having planned to rescue Kyle. Cartman puts on a pressurized suit with a long umbilical cord]
| Butters: | Wow, Eric. You sure are a great guy for doing this.
| Cartman: | [puts on the gloves] I don't have a choice. Somebody has to get into San Francisco and warn Kyle's family to get out before the storm hits.
| Butters: | But... how come we can't just take the bus on into the city?
| Cartman: | You don't know San Francisco, Butters. [zips the suit up] It was the breeding ground for the hippie movement in the 60s. Those hard-core liberals, lesbian activists, and diehard modern hippies young and old. [turns around and sighs] I swore I would never set foot in San Francisco. God help me. [reaches down, picks up the helmet, and puts it on, locks it in place, and pressurizes the suit. Communication resumes through the intercom] All right, Butters, I'll be tethered to you through this cord. It's my only lifeline, so make sure it stays taut. If you stop hearing my voice, for the love of Christ, start reeling me in with all your strength.
| Butters: | [adjusts his headset] I will. You're really great for going to warn Kyle, Eric.
| Cartman: | I'm not doin' it for Kyle. [turns around] I can't believe I'm actually going to walk through San Francisco. Well, here it goes. [begins to walk slowly and deliberately into the city]
| [Dawson's Junkyard, day. Hybrid cars are awaiting destruction. The camera focuses on a green one, which is soon lifted away by a massive electromagnet. Inside a small room, Stan mans the controls. Mr. Mackey and Stan's parents look on as Ranger McFriendly guides Stan]
| Ranger McFriendly: | All right. All right, now get it into the masher! Hurry up!
| Stan: | Can't somebody else opeate this? I can't really reach.
| Ranger McFriendly: | Well then you shouldn't have written that gay little song, shouldn't you have?! [The green hybrid is now over the masher, and Stan releases it. Moments later, a cube of twisted green metal slides out and drops onto the ground] Keenan, we've gotten rid of half the hybrid cars! How are the smug levels?!
| Keenan: | They're dropping, slowly, but... but we're running out of time!
| [San Francisco. Cartman is now in the Haight-Ashbury district. People look and move on]
| Man: | Yeah, it's like, San Francisco is more of a European city, like Paris or Milan.
| Cartman: | [checking in] Butters, are you there?!
| Butters: | [making sure the cord is taut] I'm here, Eric.
| Cartman: | I've started to enter the smug. I'm about a quarter mile in. Can you give me an EL?
| Butters: | [now reading a map] You must be nearing Union Square. Did you see a fountain to your left?
| Cartman: | Yes. It's just beyond yet another wine and cheese store.
| Butters: | Wait, uhh, eh take your next right. You've got to start heading west.
| Cartman: | Turning right at O two four niner. [turns right at the corner and continues walking]
| [Dawson's Junkyard, day. Stan is still manning the controls. He drops a red hybrid into the masher, and a cube of twisted red metal slides out and drops onto the ground]
| Randy: | That's it. That's that the last one.
| Ranger McFriendly: | Keenan? Keenan, we've smashed the last hybrid!
| Keenan: | Harry, the smug from Clooney's speech is about to hit the other smug system! Get everyone inside! [the townsfolk hear the warning and run around all over the place. Keenan says softly, deeply] God help us.
| [Over Northeast Nevada, the speech's smug nears the supercell. From the ground, the smug is seen floating along quickly, reciting Clooney's speech. It runs into the supercell and stops talking. Immediately, lightning envelopes the supercell and spreads to San Francisco and South Park]
| [San Francisco, under the Perfect Storm of Self-Satisfaction. Stuff begins to roll down the street on which Kyle lives. Cartman approaches his house]
| Cartman: | Butters?! Butters, I think I'm here! 2419 Castillo?!
| Butters: | That's it! Eric, hurry! Somethin's goin' on out here!
| [The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila are thoroughly spent from the party, so they don't take notice of the storm outside. Cartman opens the door and the sound of thunder fills the house]
| Cartman: | Mr. Broflovski! Mr. Broflovski, there a smug storm! We have to go!
| Gerald: | [Slowly, blissfully] Being smug is a good thing. [farts in his armchair, bends down to inhale it]
| Cartman: | Oh my CHRIST! [runs up to Kyle's room and kicks the door open. Kyle and Ike are as wasted as Gerald and Sheila are. They sit on the floor with their backs against Ike's bed] Kyle? Kyle!
| Kyle: | The acid. Dude, I'm totally tripping balls.
| Ike: | I'm totally tripping balls. I'm totally tripping balls.
| Cartman: | [trying to shake Kyle to his senses] We have to get out of here! Now! [lightning strikes the house, which begins to burn. The lights begin to flicker, and the camera zooms in on Cartman, who continues shaking Kyle] Kyle! Kyle!! [the screen goes black]
| [Fade in to South Park, the morning after. People begin cleaning up. The storm dealt a heavy blow to South Park]
| Network Anchor: | And now, the worst appears to be over. Last night's smug storm... has left thousands homeless. All across the Midwest, people are picking up the pieces. Cities like Denver and South Park are heavily damaged, but still all right. However, San Francisco, I'm afraid... has disappeared completely up its own asshole.
| Stan: | No...
| Randy: | I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry your gay little song killed your friend.
| Clyde: | Hey! Hey, Stan! You're not gonna believe it! You've gotta come see!
| Stan: | What?
| Clyde: | It's a miracle!
| [Downtown South Park, day. The Broflovskis are back in town, safe and sound and glad to see everyone. Everyone marvels at their return. The Marshes arrive. Stan spots Kyle and runs up to him]
| Stan: | Kyle!
| Kyle: | Hey Stan.
| Stan: | Duhude, what happened?? [grins]
| Gerald: | We don't know. We were all passed out and... next thing we know we just woke up on a bus heading here.
| Mr. Mackey: | It's like you had a guardian angel, m'kay? [Butters looks to Cartman for any reaction. Cartman puts his left index finger to his mouth, indicating that Butters should keep his mouth shut about this]
| Stan: | [gives Kyle a brief hug] Dude, I'm so glad you're not dead.
| Richard: | So I guess there's nothing left to do now but... rebuild.
| Randy: | Yeah. First off, we're all gonna need new cars.
| Gerald: | And let's make sure nobody gets a stupid hybrid, right? [everyone seems to agree and discusses it...]
| Kyle: | NO! Hybrid cars are a good thing!
| Mr. Mackey: | But hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug, m'kay?
| Kyle: | Hybrid cars don't cause smugness, people do. [silent reactions all around] Look, hybrid cars are important. They may even save our planet one day. What you all need to do is just learn to drive hybrids and not be smug about it.
| Randy: | You mean... drive in hybrids... but not act like we're better than everyone else because of it.
| Kyle: | Yeah!
| Randy: | I'm... [puts his hands over his lower belly] I'm not ready...
| Gerald: | I don't think I can do it either.
| Mr. Mackey: | It's simply asking too much.
| Randy: | Perhaps... one day... we can learn to drive hybrids without being smug about it, but for now... the technology is just too much for us.
| Gerald: | Come on, everybody! Let's go buy wasterful gas guzzlers! [everyone likes the idea; they all disperse]
| Cartman: | [walks up to Kyle] Well, looks like you're back for good, huh Kyle?
| Kyle: | Yeah, I guess so.
| Cartman: | We just can't get rid of you, can we, you sneaky Jew rat!
| Kyle: | Don't belitle my people, you fucking fatass! [turns and walks away angry]
| Cartman: | Ah, that's better. [smiles]
| [End of Smug Alert.]
| |