[leaves]
Kyle, Cartman: | [their eyes follow her out] Bye, Wendy.
|
Kyle: | Dude, what does the note say?
|
Stan: | [glances at it] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school. [a look of wonder comes over his face]
|
Kyle: | Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
|
Cartman: | Or slip her the tongue.
|
Kenny: | (or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her)
|
Stan: | [that got his attention] What? How do you know she has a cat? [Silence, Kenny waits to see if the other guys got the message, then laughs. The rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant]
|
Kyle: | Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back.
|
| [The cafeteria kitchen. A cook stands behind a food counter, ready to serve up cafeteria food. The boys enter]
|
Chef: | Hello there, children.
|
Boys: | Hey, Chef.
|
Chef: | How are you doing?
|
Kyle: | Bad.
|
Chef: | Why bad?
|
Kyle: | Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?
|
Chef: | Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up.
I'm gonna make love to ya woman
gonna lay ya down by the fire
And caress your womanly body
make ya moan and perspire
Gonna-
|
Stan: | Uh, Chef.
|
Chef: | -get those juices flowin'-
|
Stan: | Chef.
|
Chef: | -we're makin' love gravy-
|
Stan: | Chef!
|
Chef: | -love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove GRAVIH!
|
Stan: | Chef!!
|
Chef: | Love luh- huh? [Silence. Kenny nods towards Kyle] Do you feel better?
|
Kyle: | No!
|
Chef: | Oh, come on children, what could be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day.
|
Stan: | Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
|
Chef: | What?! [tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other side of the counter] What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!
|
Kyle: | Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.
|
Cartman: | You are making it up. [farts fire. The anal probe pops out, moves around and puts its metal arms on its hip, looking annoyed at being exposed]
|
Stan: | Whoa! [The probe goes back into Cartman's ass.]
|
Cartman: | What?
|
Kyle: | That was cool!
|
Chef: | It's uh some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device. [Cartman turns about so Chef can check out the probe] This could mean the visitors want to communicate with us.
|
Cartman: | [turning to face Chef, testily] Oh, I see. Now you're going to join in on the little joke huh?
|
Chef: | It's no joke, children, this is big!
|
Kyle: | Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me.
|
Chef: | Uuh, hold on now, hold on now. [To himself] Uhyouyouyou gotta help the children.
|
Cartman: | Oh, you guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!
|
Chef: | [pulling on the fire drill] Fire drill! Fire drill! Everybody out! [to the boys] Okay children, this is your chance!
|
Stan: | Killer! Thanks, Chef.
|
Chef: | Mahahahahan oh man, first contact with the alien visitors. I've got to get myself ready.
|
| [The boys' neighborhood]
|
Boys: | We got out of school! No more school today, we got out of school…
|
Cartman: | [interrupting the song with a fiery fart] Oh, you guys, my ass, seriously…
|
Stan: | Okay, Cartman, we got out of school, you can stop farting fire now.
|
Cartman: | I would if I could you son of a bitch!
|
Kyle: | Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?
|
Cartman: | Uh. Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control! [a radio wave strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks and starts to sing.]
I love to singa!
About the moona and June-a and the springa
I love to singa
about a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a…
[A second radio wave reverts him to normal and all is quiet. Dogs bark in the background]
|
Stan: | What the hell was that?
|
Kyle: | He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the visitors!
|
Cartman: | Ah, son of a bitch! You guys, shut up. I'm not under alien control.
|
Kyle: | [Into Cartman's ear. His voice echoes] Hey!
|
Cartman: | Uh.
|
Kyle: | If you visitors can hear me- [the voice echoes in Cartman's head]
|
Cartman: | Hey.
|
Kyle: | -bring me back my little brother, God damnit!
|
Cartman: | Ow! [faces Kyle] That hurts, you buttlicker!
|
Stan: | [notices a spaceship hovering overhead] Kyle, look! It's them.
|
Kyle: | Give me back my brother! [throws a rock at the spaceship. It fires back with a flash of light, hitting Kenny and knocking him into the road.]
|
Stan: | Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
|
Kyle: | You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack! [the spaceship leaves] Damn it, we were so close!
|
Stan: | Hey look, [Kenny gets up] I think Kenny's okay.
|
Kenny: | (Don't worry, I'm alright. Aaaah!) [fleeing cows run over Kenny]
|
Stan: | Owww.
|
Kenny: | [gets up again] (Nope, I'm fine. Ah!) [Officer Barbrady mows him down. Kenny ends up along the curb, lifeless. The boys approach]
|
Stan: | Wow, poor Kenny.
|
Kyle: | Now do you believe us, Cartman?
|
Cartman: | No!
|
Kyle: | Cartman, they killed Kenny!
|
Cartman: | He's not dead.
|
Stan: | Dude, Kenny is dead! [picks up a stick and hits Kenny's bloody body] See?
|
Cartman: | Shut up, you guys.
|
Kyle: | He's dead, Cartman! [Pulls Kenny's head off his body]
|
Cartman: | God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! [walks off] Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
|
Kyle: | Go on and go home, you fat chicken!
|
Cartman: | [off screen] Dildo!
|
Kyle: | You're all I have left, Stan.
|
Stan: | Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.
|
Kyle: | You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. You gotta help me, dude! [Rats feast upon Kenny's body.]
|
Stan: | Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot. [hurries away]
|
Kyle: | [Rats drag Kenny's head off] Rats.
|
| [Cartman's house]
|
Ms. Cartman: | Hello, Eric
|
Cartman: | Hi, mom!
|
Ms. Cartman: | How are you doing?
|
Cartman: | Well, I'm pissed off!
|
Ms. Cartman: | Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.
|
Cartman: | I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise. All the kids at school call me fat!
|
Ms. Cartman: | You're not fat, you're big boned.
|
Cartman: | That's what I said.
|
Ms. Cartman: | You can have an eensy weensy bit, can't you?
|
Cartman: | No!
|
Ms. Cartman: | Just a weensy geensy woo woo?
|
Cartman: | No! Leave me alone, mom! [walks past her]
|
Ms. Cartman: | How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?
|
Cartman: | [stops in his tracks] What? Well, that does sound pretty good. [returns to sit on the sofa while his mom goes off to get the pie] Uh, mom?
|
Ms. Cartman: | Yes, hon?
|
Cartman: | If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?
|
Ms. Cartman: | Sure, hon. You want some cheesy poofs, too?
|
Cartman: | Yeah, I want cheesy poofs.
|
| [Stark's Pond. Kyle decided to join Stan]
|
Kyle: | Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the visitors now.
|
Stan: | But her note said she'd be here.
|
Wendy: | Hi, Stan.
|
Stan: | Bluuch.
|
Wendy: | Eww!
|
Kyle: | You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.
|
Wendy: | But why, Stan?
|
Stan: | [tries to hold it in, but] Bluuch.
|
Wendy: | Eww!
|
Kyle: | Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother.
|
Wendy: | [turns to Kyle] Huh?
|
Kyle: | Just make sweet love down by the fire.
|
Wendy: | What happened to your little brother?
|
| [Cartman's house. Cartman is on the sofa watching TV]
|
Reporter: | As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns. [a plane circles around a field with odd patterns on it, and a cameraman pans out to reveal the outline of --- Cartman!]
|
Cartman: | Hey, that kind of looks like… Tom Selleck.
|
Reporter: | Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us, here on earth?
|
Kitty: | Meow.
|
Cartman: | [notices his kitten eyeing his pot pie] No, kitty, this is mah pot pie.
|
Kitty: | Meow.
|
Cartman: | No, kitty, that's a bad kitty!
|
Kitty: | Meow.
|
Cartman: | No, kitty, it's mah pot pie!
|
Kitty: | Hiss.
|
Cartman: | Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
|
Ms. Cartman: | [peeks in suggestively] Well, then. I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
|
Cartman: | [confused] What?
|
| [Stark's Pond. Kyle is explaining what happened to his little brother]
|
Kyle: | …and now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.
|
Wendy: | Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
|
Kyle: | Why?
|
Wendy: | Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.
|
Kyle: | Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman. [moves out]
|
Wendy: | Come on, Stan. [walks past him, following Kyle]
|
Stan: | Bluuch.
|
Wendy: | Eww! [walks away]
|
Stan: | Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love? [A bird flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it.]
|
| [Cartman's House, a short time later]
|
Kitty: | Meow.
|
Cartman: | No, Kitty, you can't have any!
|
Kitty: | Meow.
|
Cartman: | No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie. Bad kitty! [Cartman farts fire, setting the cat ablaze] Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.
|
Ms. Cartman: | [enters the room with Kyle, Stan and Wendy] Eric, look who's here.
|
Cartman: | Dude, weak mom.
|
Kyle: | Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop.
|
Cartman: | I can't, my mom said…
|
Ms. Cartman: | That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends.
|
Cartman: | [Quietly] But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends.
|
Ms. Cartman: | Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in the fun snow.
|
Cartman: | God - damn it! [Kitty then runs by in flames.]
|
| [Forest at night. Cartman's right foot is tied to a tree]
|
Cartman: | You guys, I have to get home.
|
Stan: | Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.
|
Cartman: | [kicks his foot to try to get loose] Oh, man, this sucks.
|
Kyle: | How come the visitors aren't coming for him?
|
Stan: | I think we have to signal them somehow.
|
Cartman: | [farts fire] Ow!
|
Wendy: | Hey, he's like Rudolph.
|
Kyle: | Yeah, all you have to do is fart some more, Cartman! And the visitors are sure to come!
|
Cartman: | Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
|
Kyle: | Sure you do!
|
Stan: | Come on Cartman, fart!
|
Cartman: | I don't wanna.
|
Stan: | He can't hold it in forever.
|
Kyle: | Fart, damn you!
|
Cartman: | Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! [Farts. An anal probe comes out of his butt and expands] I'm sick of it! It's completely immature.
|
Stan: | Hey, it's happening again. [the probe is now a large satellite dish]
|
Kyle: | Whoa, look at that.
|
Stan: | Now, do you believe this, Cartman?
|
Cartman: | You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up.
|
Stan: | Cartman, there's a 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!
|
Cartman: | Sure, you guys, what-ever. [the dish sends a radio signal out to space]
|
| [Chef's backyard. He's sitting in a lawn chair with a can of ZOOP in his hand. An Igloo cooler is next to him]
|
|
|
---|
Chef: | Oh, boy. The aliens are going to make first contact. Hey, down here, we are ready for your wisdom! [looks at his watch] And you've only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on.
|
| [Forest]
|
Cartman: | You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens! [Three small ships descend, followed by a mothership.] Oh, God damn it!
|
Mr. Garrison: | [driving by, he stops] What the? I tell you, there's some crazy stuff going on in this town.
|
Mr. Hat: | You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
|
Kyle: | Come down here, you stinking aliens! [Four aliens appear] Uh, uh.
|
Stan: | Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.
|
Kyle: | Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother… is a pretty special thing.
|
Stan: | Yeah.
|
Kyle: | Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
|
Stan: | That was beautiful, dude.
|
Kyle: | Did it work?
|
Stan: | No, they're leaving.
|
Kyle: | Hey, you scrawny-eyed shithead, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
|
Stan: | Whoa, dude!
|
Kyle: | You know what you assholes like! You like to _____ and sh___ and _____ and _____ and _____ and _____!
|
Stan: | Hey Wendy, what's a _____? [she shrugs]
|
Ike: | [The spaceship door opens] Help me doy tair.
|
Kyle: | Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, JUMP!
|
Ike: | Don't harm me. [a herd of cows runs away from the ship, but a trio of aliens stops them in their tracks. The cows moo and quiver with fear until the middle alien raises its hand and addresses them]
|
Alien: |
Moo… Moo…Moo…Moo… | GREETINGS, COWS OF EARTH WE COME IN PEACE. |
---|
|
|
Cows: |
|
Kyle: | Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!
|
Ike: | Don't kick the baby.
|
Alien: |
Moo moo, moo. | WE HAVE EXPERIMENTED WITH ALL THE BEINGS OF EARTH, |
---|
|
---|
Moo moo, moo. Moo. | AND WE HAVE LEARNED THAT YOU
|
---|
ARE THE MOST INTELLIGENT AND WISE. |
---|
|
---|
|
Cartman: | What the hell are they talking about?
|
Cow: |
Moo moo? | WHY DID YOU TURN SOME OF US INSIDE OUT? |
---|
|
|
Alien: |
Moo moo, moo. Moo. | OH, THAT WAS CARL'S FAULT. HE'S NEW. |
---|
|
|
Alien Carl: |
Moo…moo…moo. | YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT, MY BAD! |
---|
|
|
Kyle: | Ike!
|
Alien: |
|
| [The cows look at each other and moo in agreement.]
|
Kyle: | Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!
|
Ike: | It's my turn! [dives into the snow. The satellite goes back into Cartman's butt.]
|
Alien: |
Moo moo. Moo moo. | FAREWELL COWS, PEACE BE WITH YOU! |
---|
|
|
| [The aliens disappear. The spaceship pulls Cartman up but the rope keeps him grounded.]
|
Cartman: | You guys, get me down from here! [farts fire, burns the rope. The tractor beam takes him into the ship and the spaceship flies away.] Ow! Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!
|
Stan: | Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.
|
Kyle: | Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.
|
Ike: | Oh, he fly out of the sky.
|
| [Chef's Backyard.]
|
Chef: | Wait, where are you going, alien visitors? Come back!
|
Blonde: | [arrives with a brunette] Well, Chef, where's this amazing thing you were going to show us.
|
Chef: | Well, it's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in.
|
| [Forest]
|
Kyle: | Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner. [they leave]
Stan: | Thanks for your help, Wendy.
| Wendy: | Whatever, dude.
| Stan: | Hey, I didn't throw up.
| Wendy: | Cool! [She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and that music plays again. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy]
Stan: | Bluuch! [right on her face]
Wendy: | Eww!
| Stan: | Sorry.
| Wendy: | Hey, look. A french fry.
| Stan: | Cool.
| Wendy: | And what is that?
| Stan: | I think it's part of a cheesy poof. [Chef's song starts up and the camera pulls away.]
| Wendy: | Hey, what's that?
| Stan: | That's uummm… a hamburger from… that's from, like, two days ago.
| Wendy: | Hey, what about that?
| Stan: | I don't know what the hell that is!
| | [Bus Stop]
| Stan: | Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around.
| Kyle: | Yeh, we're running out of friends.
| Stan: | I wonder what that thing was that the visitors gave the cows.
| | [Cows out on a pasture]
| Cows: | Mooo.
| Officer Barbrady: | Ha ha cows! I've got you cornered. Let's see you get away now. [One of the cows step on the plate on the alien device. A bolt of lightning strikes Officer Barbrady. His glasses fly off, and cheeks become rosy.] I love to sing-a about the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a I love to sing-a 'bout a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a… [Cows begin hopping about gleefully]
| | [Bus Stop, next day. Cartman falls out of the sky, landing on his side next to Kyle and Stan.]
| Cartman: | Puh.
| Stan: | Oh, hey Cartman.
| Kyle: | Wow Cartman, the visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.
| Cartman: | Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night.
| Stan: | Really, what about?
| Cartman: | Well, I was standing out in a field, and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt. And then there were… hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
| Stan: | That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.
| Cartman: | Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye then?
| Kyle: | Cartman, you do have pinkeye!
| Cartman: | Ahh, son of a bitch!
| | [End of Cartman Gets An Anal Probe]
| | | |