Shvek and the UAL
The UAA and its leader, maintenance guy, woman, and tactical officer
Blavius, the sea otters, and the Wise One
Narrator, announcers and singers
Boys using the Crank Prank Time Phone
Man from the early 20th century
|[This episode begins with an expanded montage of last week's time-lapse imagery. First you see the town, the mall, and a house. Next, Cartman and the Wii at EV Games. Next, scenes from his night of insomnia, including him checking his calendar and the Wii's Web page, then watching TV. Then, Eric is shown begging his friends to help him freeze himself. Then, a collage of Eric hiding in the freezer, talking to Butters, and walking to the designated spot with him. Then, scenes of the avalanche and Eric getting frozen. Then the years begin to roll, and scenes of humanity's future appear. They are: the scene of the avalanche, a scene of devastation, the room where Cartman is taken to be thawed, his meeting with the high UAL command, the UAL building being attacked, a shot of Earth from space, the UAA storming in to fight the UAL, the battle between the two factions, the UAA closing in on Cartman, the voyage away from the UAL building, across a desert; the onscreen communication with the AAA, a shot of Earth's future, a sea otter blowing into the nafferty, and the final shot of two ships leading the camera to the city the UAL is based at]|
|Narrator:||The year is 2006, and young Eric Cartman cannot wait for the new Nintendo Wii to come out. Unable to cope with the wait any longer, Eric decides to freeze himself for three weeks. But a freak avalanche makes Eric impossible to find, and so he remains frozen for 500 years.|
|[The next scenes all involve Cartman playing a part in the future. The background is the UAL's city. First he's dressed in a blue military outfit. Next, he's running with a robot dog, then firing off a laser gun, then of him and the bog in a vehicle. The background changes to the UAA's ship. Cartman is walking with the UAA members. The AAA is shown firing at them. Cartman and the UAA now sport helmets and go forth. The background changes to the AAA's city. The AAA has captured Cartman. Cartman plays chess with a sea otter. Cartman enjoys flying around upside down in a room of UAL members doing the same thing. Cartman is then shown in a different blue suit, and finally, a fleet of shuttlecraft fly to a new city. At this new city, ostriches are seen walking around, with otters riding them. The city is either in ruins or shabbily built]|
|Otter Leader:||Whoa, steady! [motions to the otters] This way, otters! [other otters move forward on their ostriches]|
|Otter 1:||This is it. New New Hampshire. We have risked much bringing you here, Time Child. [the camera pans left to show Cartman on an ostrich and wearing goggles.]|
|Cartman:||Can it. You otters may have evolved to the point you can talk, but I don't need lectures.|
|Otter 1:||Don't let the time child out of your sight. He could try to run.|
|Cartman:||[goggles now above his eyes] We have a deal, Blavius. As long as I get what I want, you have nothin' to worry abuot. [the leader's ostrich makes a noise]|
|Otter Leader:||Something is spooking the ostriches.|
|Cartman:||Sure. This is Monarch land now. Probably Jarvis probes everywhere.|
|Otter Leader:||Here it is! We have arrived.|
|Blavius:||[Sea Otter 1] Hold! [the ostriches stop at a large entrance] This is it, Time Child. [the building's name is shown: New New Hampshire Museum of Technology] The old museum of technology, abandoned long ago. Let's get what you want, Time Child, and get out of here.|
|[The otters escort Cartman to the Museum of the Past. Cartman looks around and finally spots the Wii.]|
|Cartman:||Over here! [runs over to it] Yeah it's here! It's here! The Nintendo Wii... I've waited so long for this. [shatters the glass case protecting it and removes it]|
|Blavius:||All right, Time Child, we've filled our side of the bargain. Now return with us to Otter Bay.|
|Cartman:||Sorry Blavius. I've got other plans. [switches hands in holding the Wii, presses a bottun on his left glove and disappears]|
|Otter Leader:||It was a trick!|
|Blavius:||SCIENCE DAMN YOU, TIME CHILD!|
|[UAA transporter room. As various UAA members wait, Cartman appears on the transporter pad]|
|Cartman:||I got it! I got the Wii!|
|UAA Leader:||Time Child! You've returned!|
|UAA 1:||We thought for sure you had died in the in the Phobart plant.|
|Cartman:||[turns and leaves the transporter pad] Yeah. Lucky for me the otters believed I was on their side. [turns around as he reaches the door] Do me a favor: next time I'm in a recessed biocave, don't send me a level 2 homing call. [the door opens and Cartman walks into the hallway outside the room. The leader and his assistant look at each other]|
|UAA Leader:||TC, wait!|
|Cartman:||[ruonds a corner] Oh I can't wait! This is gonna be so awesome! [almost walks into another UAA member] Get out of my way!|
|UAA Leader:||[catches up with Cartman] You gained the otters' trust?! Were you wearing an information crystal?!|
|Cartman:||Here. [takes off the information crystal and hands it to him]|
|UAA 1:||Science be praised. This could end the war!|
|UAA Leader:||You've done a great thing, TC. [Cartman turns right...] How can we repay you?|
|Cartman:||[...and enters an elevator] Just send a maintenance guy to my room. I want this Nintendo hooked up to my float screen NOW! [the doors close]|
|[Cartman's room. A maintenance guy is trying to figure out how to connect the Wii to the screen.]|
|Cartman:||Come on! Come on! Dude, what is taling so long! I wanna play!|
|Maintenance Guy:||Uhh, what kind of output does this have? This is some ancient Super-VHS output or somethin'. I can't connect it to your flaot screen.|
|Cartman:||There's gotta be some way to hook it up! It's the freakin' future!|
|Maintenance Guy:||It may be the future for you, but I can't hook up anything to a float screen without at least a laser-7 output.|
|Cartman:||You've gotta be shittin' me!! Science-damnit! I am so fucking sick of the future! [starts throwing a tantrum, throwing things around]
||UAA Woman:||[entering the room] TC? What's wrong?
||Cartman:||I'll tell you what's wrong! I've been waiting 500 years to play the Nintendo Wii! And if I don't get to play real soon, I'm gonna bust a nut!
||UAA Woman:||Well, we're all glad you're back. I know somebody who's missed you very much. Come on in, K-10. [steps aside to reveal K-10, who walks in]
||K-10:||Bark bark. Hello, Eric. I have missed you.
||Cartman:||Suck my balls, K-10. I'm not in the mood.
||[A United Atheist Alliance meeting.]
||UAA Leader:||Fellow atheists: the time child has returned with information on our sworn enemies, the Allied Atheist Alliance. They have started digging for clams in sector J7. If we mount an all-out attack, we can wipe out their food supply!
||UAA 2:||But, those are civilian otters.
||UAA Leader:||We cannot tolerate the otters! Their Science is flawed! Their answer to the Great Question is different from ours.
||UAA 3:||Yes, but... sending out all our ships at the same time... it would leave our city exposed!
||UAA Leader:||...That's why we have to be super-duper sure that nobody finds out we're doing it.
||[Unified Atheist League headquarters. The UAL elders gather to discuss the situation]
||UAL 1:||[hanging upside down from a jet-powered platform] The United Atheist Alliance is about to send out all its defense ships to take down the Allied Atheist Allieance's clam fields.
||UAL 2:||Praise Science. This is your chance, young Shvek, to avenge your father's death.
||UAL 3:||Careful, son. Just because their Science leads them to a different answer to the Great Question doesn't mean we have the right to kill them all.
||Shvek:||No! Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. [walks away from the table and stands before a wall] Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. [a painting is shown, with Dawkins in it] Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future. [More of the painting is shown: Mrs. Garrison appears] But it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you. [turns around] Prepare all the troops! We will level the United Atheist Alliance to the ground!
||[Cartman's room at UAA headquarters. Cartman watches TV on his float screen, K-10 standing nearby. A commercial comes on]
||Announcer:||With new Glade monvert cleaner, you can make your monvert sparkle like never before.
||Woman:||My monvert's never looked so clean. [apparently, a monvert is a phallic device]
||Cartman:||God I hate future TV. There's too many commercials! [switches channels. A picture appears briefly in which a reporter is about to mention an attack, but that vanishes. Three bored kids appear seated at a coffee table]
||Boy 1:||Agh! I'm so bored.
||Boy 2:||There's nothing to do.
||Cartman:||Tell me about it.
||Boy 3:||Hey, I know! Let's crank call people in the past!
||Boy 3:||I just got... [brings out a big box] the Crank Prank Time Phone! [the other two boys marvel at it]
||Singers:||Crank Prank, Crank Prank Time Phone.
||Announcer:||New, from Blasbro, it's Crank Prank Time Phone!
||Boy Announcer:||I just dial a random number on the keypad, enter a date and year on the debilibrator, and...
||Boy 1:||Wow! Someone from the past is on the line! [talks into the phone] Hello? Is there a refrigierator running? Well then, you'd better go catch it! [the boys have a good laugh]
||Singers:||Crank Prank, Crank Prank Time Phone.
||Cartman:||[now interested] What?
||Boy 2:||Uh hi. It's the year 1973, right? Could I speak to Al Coholic, please? [the boys laugh again]
||Announcer:||Crank Prank Time Phone comes with debilibrator [looks like a space-age microphone], antimatter fusion cone, andn 30 plain HF watt triggers. Warning: Crank Prank Time Phone is for entertainment purposes only. Makng anything OTHER than crank calls to the past could affect the present and end your existence. Crank Prank Time Phone is not intended for the use by otters.
||Cartman:||Why didn't anyone tell me there was a time phone?!
||K-10:||Why does it matter? Bark bark
||Cartman:||Don't you see?? If I get one of those phones, I can call myself in the past and tell me not to freeze myself. [walks forward a few steps] Then I can go back into my time... and play Nintendo Wii.
||K-10:||Bark bark. That call is for crank calling only. Using it in the way you describe is illegal.
||Cartman:||I care! Where's the closest toy store??
||K-10:||Working, bark bark. The Jarvanian shopping comples. But it is not open yet.
||[Zeebod's Toys, some time later. K-10 stands by as Cartman paces the ground in front of the store, just as he did in the past waiting for the Wii]
||Cartman:||Come on! Come on!
||Voice:||Store is now... open. [the storefromt lights up like a Christmas tree and the doors open] Welcome
||Clerk:||Welcome to Zeebod's Toys
||Cartman:||I want one of those time-phone things.
||Clerk:||Ahh, the Crank Prank Time Phone. Sure. Now, I am required by the state to make sure you know this is for prank-calling the past ONLY, right?
||Cartman:||Yeah yeah, I'm only gonna prank-call people.
||Clerk:||[pulls up a small float screen and calculates the cost on it] All right, that'll be 6000 credits. [a second float screen pops up with the price on it]
||Cartman:||Six thousand credits?! What do I look like to you? A Thurilian miner?!
||Clerk:||This is a pretty advanced piece of equipment. It's expensive.
||Cartman:||Look, I have to have one of those phones!
||Clerk:||Oh, all right, then I have to have 6000 credits. [Eric sighs and looks down]
||K-10:||Bark bark, I'm sorry, Eric, bark bark.
||Cartman:||How about a robot? How much for the robot?
||Clerk:||[puts the phone away] Sorry, kid, you're just gonna have to crank-call people in the present.
||Cartman:||[turns aruond and walks away. K-10 follows] Science-damnit! [stops] Wait. K-10, can you access the store's sales records?
||K-10:||Working, bark bark. Access.
||Cartman:||I want the name and address of anybody who's bought a time phone from this guy in the past week.
||K-10:||Working, bark bark.
||[Otter Bay. evening. A sign there says "Allied Atheist Alliance." Blavius addresses a large crowd of sea otters]
||Blavius:||The United Atheist Alliance has taken the bait! Soon they will send their ships out to destroy our decoy clam fields! And while their ships are away, the United Atheist League intends to attack them! Our plan has worked perfectly! For when the United Atheist League attacks the United Atheist Alliance, we will charge in and kill them all! Our Science, our answer to the Great Question shall prevail!
||Otters:||Hail Science! Hail Science! Hail Science!
||Blavius:||And I will personally kill the Time Child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!
||[The turn of the 20th century, day. An early blue car rolls down the street and the driver honks his horn. The car passes by a Colonial-style house. Inside the house, a woman vacuums a rug with an early vacuum cleaner when the phone rings. She turns off the vacuum cleaner and starts moving towards the phone]
||Man:||I'll get it, darling. [approaches the phone and picks up the receiver. His wife goes back to vacuuming] Hello? Hello?
||Boy 4:||Uh yes, hello? I'm calling for Mr. Wall?
||Man:||I;m sorry, there's no Mr. Wall here.
||Boy 4:||Oh. Is Mrs. Wall there?
||Man:||Nno, there are no Walls here.
||Boy 4:||Then how does your roof stay up? [he and his friend begin to laugh]
||Man:||Oh, I see! Is this the Johnson boys from down the street?!
||Boy 4:||No, we're from the future. [stifled laughter]
||Boy 5:||Hi, uh, I'm a Pepper, and I'm wondering if you'd like to be a Pepper too?
||Man:||God darn ya! [hangs up. The two boys laugh]
||Boy 5:||That was a great one! [the doorbell rings and Boy 4 gets up to answer it. Cartman, dressed as a maintenance man, and K-10 appear at the entrance]
||Cartman:||Hello, I'm with the cubic waste department. I need to check your lowertram for inhibitors.
||Boy 4:||Oh. Okay, I guess.
||Cartman:||[steps inside] Come on in, Bob. [K-10 enters the room] All right, just let me use my tools... [pulls out a gun and fires at Boy 4, who is instantly trapped in a bubble, floating in the air. K-10 does the same to Boy 5.]
||Cartman:||[walks up and takes the time phone from the coffee table] Haha! Stupid assholes! I got your time phone! [walks out the door with K-10]
||Boy 4:||Science H. Logic! What a jerk!
||[Otter Bay. evening. The otters are arming each other]
||The Wise One:||[walks in with a cane] Silence, otters!
||Otter 1:||It's the Wise One
||Otter 2:||The Wise One speaks.
||The Wise One:||This is not the path we should be taking. Will more bloodshed end anything?
||Blavius:||[floats up to him on a hovering throne] Wise One, our answer to the Great Question is the only one based on good science.
||The Wise One:||Science, reason, is that really all there is?
||Blavius:||They are not a logical race, Wise One! They go around chopping down trees for tables, when they have perfectly good tummies to eat on. How logical is that?!
||Otter Leader:||Yes! [walks up to a painting of Dawkins and Garrison] The great Dawkins said we cannot tolerate those who don't use reason! How reasonable is it to eat off wood instead of your tummy?
||The Wise One:||Well perhaps the great Dawkins wasn't so wise. Oh, he was intelligent, but, some of the most intelligent otters I've ever known were completely lacking in common sense. Maybe, some otters do need to believe in something. Who knows? Maybe, just believing in God makes God exist.
||Otter Soldier:||Kill the Wise One!
||Otter 3:||Kill the Wise One! [the other otters crowd him in and start attacking]
||The Wise One:||Whoa, wait wait! [perishes amid the pummeling]
||[Cartman's room, night. He's sprawled out on his bed in his pajamas, his eyes open. He can't sleep, tossing and turning every few seconds. He looks at his clock: 2:15.]
||Cartman:||Oh God! [throws himself back on the bed and squeezes his eyes shut. This time, the phone rings. He gets up to answer it. The caller is the Time Child] Hello? [he gets static until...]
||Time Child:||[in a higher pitch] Hello? [Cartman is surprised to hear his own voice on the other end] Are you there?
||Cartman:||Who is this?
||Time Child:||[to K-10] No, no, I have me. [to his past self] All right, all right, listen! Listen to me carefully! You need to be patient!
||Cartman:||What?? Who the hell is this?!
||Time Child:||It's me.
||Time Child:||Me you!
||Time Child:||I'm you in the future! You have to be patient and wait for the Nintendo Wii to come out, or else you'll wake up in the future and have to deal with a bunch of see otters!
||Cartman:||Oh very funny, Kyle!
||Time Child:||It's not Kyle, it's you!
||Cartman:||Yeah? Well you can go fuck yourself.
||Time Child:||I'm trying to do you a favor, dumbass!! Just listen to me!
||Cartman:||Listen to this! [puts the phone to his ass and farts into it, then slams the phone down on its base] Dickhead. [the phone rings again. Cartman picks it up and quickly slams it down again.]
||Time Child:||[surprised at his own reaction in the past] What an asshole!
||[Butters' house, later. The phone rings in the kitchen. Butters walks in to answer it.]
||Butters:||Hello? [he gets static until...]
||Time Child:||Butters? Butters!
||Butters:||Eric? Iiis that you?
||Time Child:||Butters, Butters! Listen to me! Just just listen. I'm about to come over to your house and ask you to help me freeze myself. Do not... do t!
||Butters:||[looks around unsure what to make of this strange call] Eric, are you playing a joke on me again?
||Time Child:||No! This is not a joke! Whatever I say to you, Butters, no matter how hard I try, do not... do... what I tell you!
||Butters:||But... [notices Cartman entering through the front door] but you're here right now. [Cartman walks into view]
||Cartman:||Butters?! Come on, we gotta go!
||Time Child:||[hearing his past self] No! Don't listen to me! Tell me to go screw myself!
||Cartman:||Come on, Butters, it's gonna get dark!
||Butters:||But, yyou're telling me not to go with you.
||Cartman:||What?? [enters the kitchen to talk to his future self] Who the fuck is this?!
||Time Child:||Aw damnit, just listen to me! If you freeze yourself, you're going to die!
||Cartman:||Suck my balls!
||Time Child:||No, you suck my balls!! Just listen to me for one minute!
||Cartman:||...Okay, you have one minute.
||Time Child:||Right before you left for Butters' house, you drank a buncha Ovaltine and put Clyde Frog so nothing would happen to him, right?
||Cartman:||[shocked] Are you spying on me?!
||Time Child:||No, I am you, you stupid asshole!
||Cartman:||Fuck you, asshole. You can go fuck yourself! [hangs up and pulls his hood back over his head] Come on, Butters, we're going!
||Butters:||Oh, all right then.
||Time Child:||[frustrated] God I hate that guy!!
||[UAA war meeting, a full room]
||UAA Leader:||My friends, the time has come! May Science give us the courage to do what we must! Launch all defensive ships to sector J7! Take out the otters' clam fields! [a fleat of UAA ships takes off]
||[UAL headquarters. The UAL leader ponders the painting of Dawkins and Garrison before him]
||UAL Aide:||Sir! The United Atheist Alliance has sent out all their ships. Their capital is now unprotected.
||UAL Leader:||[turns and issues the command] Then begin the attack! Science be praised.
||[A vast meadow, day.The ground begins to vibrate, then the first ostrich zips by. A couple more follow, then a bigger group of them, then the whole army of them, all with otters on them riding into battle]
||Otter Leader:||Kill the table-eaters! In the name of Almighty Science! [the otters ride on]
||[Kyle's house, day, kitchen. The phone rings and Kyle arrives to answer it]
||Kyle:||Hello? [he gets static until...]
||Time Child:||Hello? Kyle?
||Time Child:||Yes. Hello, Kyle. It's Eric. Uh, how's it going?
||Kyle:||What do you want?!
||Time Child:||Kyle, you are the smartest guy I know, so I think maybe you're the only person who can understand this. You know how earlier today I asked you to help me freeze myself?
||Kyle:||I'm not going to help you freeze yourself, Cartman! It's a stupid idea!
||Time Child:||No, see, I know it's a stupid idea. Because, I actually did freeze myself.and... you were right, Kyle. It it backfired and I was frozen for 500 years, and now I'm calling you from the future.
||Kyle:||[with half-closed eyes] ... Uh huh.
||Time Child:||No, really, Kyle, I'm I'm seriously. Here, talk to my robot dog. [backs up to hand the phone to K-10.]
||K-10:||Bark bark. Hello, Kyle. Bark bark.
||Kyle:||... I'm hanging up now.
||Time Child:||No, Kyle, listen! Please! I think right about now, I'm in my mom's freezer.
||Kyle:||Suck my balls, fatass.
||Time Child:||... I will. I will suck your balls, Kyle. Just stop me from freezing myself, and I will get down on my knees, and I will suck your balls. I'll suck 'em dry, Kyle. [a car honks its horn at Kyle's end and he looks over. It leaves]
||Kyle:||Aw Goddamnit, now you've made me miss my ride! My whole day is screwed up because of you! [hangs up]
||Time Child:||Kyle? [as he asks, everything around him changes. His float screen goes from red to green, his suit goes from blue to saffron with light blue cape, the plant turns leafy, and the floor goes from orange to navy] Kyle!
||KIT-9:||[K-10's new look] Eric, I really think you should stop calling the past. You could change the present.
||Time Child:||Well I don't notice anything different, KIT-9! Do you?
||KIT-9:||I guess not, meow meow.
||Time Child:||[begins to notice the differences] Hm, I see... [the building is shaken hard by something striking it] Hey!
||KIT-9:||Meow meow. [the UAL ships swarm in and fire at all the buildings in UAA territory]
||UAA Woman:||TC! We're under attack!
||Time Child:||By who?!
||UAA Woman:||We have to get to the War Room! It's the only safe place!
||[The War Room. Officials there mill around trying to keep things under control. KIT-9 and Cartman arrive. Cartman has the Crank Prank Time Phone]
||UAA Leader:||The United Atheist League is bombing the city! We're defenseless!
||Cartman:||This is terrible! I'm gonna die in the future without ever playing Nintendo Wii?!
||Tactical Officer:||Sir! The sea otters are advancing! They've broken through the east portal!
||[The outskirts of the UAA city. The otter army reaches the edge of the city]
||UAA Leader:||What?! Three-way phone channel onscreen! [the main screen lights up with two windows. On the left window appear the UAL leader and the UAL, on the right window appear Blavius and the otters]
||Shvek:||[from UAL headquarters] What are you otters doing?! This is our attack!
||Blavius:||[from AAA headquarters] Yes. And we're attacking both of you!
||UAA Leader:||You fools! This will be the end of us all!
||Blavius:||Then accept our answer to the Great Question, and we will withdraw.
||UAA Leader:||Your answer to the Great Question is illogical!
||Cartman:||What is the Great Question?
||KIT-9:||What atheists should call themselves.
||Shvek:||Unified Atheist League is the most logical name.
||UAA Leader:||>Unified Atheist Allianace makes more sense.
||Blavius:||No! Allied Atheist Alliance! That way it has three A's! That is the logical choice!
||Shvek:||So be it. We cannot agree; prepare to die.
||Tactical Officer:||Forward missiles launched, sir!
||Cartman:||I have to get out of here! Why is everyone in my past so stupid that they think I'm crank-calling them?!
||KIT-9:||But Eric, meow meow, you knew the wife of the smartest man in history.
||KIT-9:||Your teacher, the one called Garrison.
||Cartman:||Garrison? But he's an asshole.
||[Mrs. Garrison's bedroom, night. Mr. Dawkins is giving it to Mrs. Garrison doggy style, hard. Both moan and make other sexual noises. The phone rings]
||Mrs. Garrison:||Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants!
||Mr. Dawkins:||Oh Ms. Garrison!
||Mrs. Garrison:||Damnit, who the hell is calling?!
||Mr. Dawkins:||I'll thell them... to call you back... Oh... yeah... [answers the phone] Garrison residence. Can you call... back later, please?
||Cartman:||It's an emergency! It's an emergency!
||Mr. Dawkins:||[stops] An emergency?
||Cartman:||I need to speak to Mr. Garrison right now!
||Mr. Dawkins:||I'm sorry, but Mr. Garrison has passed away. Mrs. Garrison is the only person here and she's rather tied up at the moment.
||Cartman:||Look asshole, this is a real emergency! Just pass the phone to whatever Garrison wants to call himself since the sex-change operation!
||Mr. Dawkins:||Sex-change operation??
||Mrs. Garrison:||Uh oh.
||Mr. Dawkins:||[pulls out and protects his genitals] Uuuuugh! You're a man?!
||Mrs. Garrison:||Not anymore. I've been fixed. [Dawkins runs for his clothes] Richard, hold on. I can explain.
||Mr. Dawkins:||Explain?? How can I be so stupid?? [runs out of the house with his pants on, carrying the rest of his clothes]
||Mrs. Garrison:||Richard, come back, please! [Dawkins does NOT return, and Garrison loses her faith in atheism in a flash] Well go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell! You queer!
||[The battle in the future. The War Room has been destroyed, but Cartman and KIT-9 are still there]
||Cartman:||Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison! [Cartman's present changes again, and now he's wearing a gray suit with orange cape. Also, he's back at UAL headquarters, which is quiet and undamamged]
||Shvek:||[enters from a side door] All right, Eric. Are you all set to go?
||Cartman:||[turns around] Go... Right... Where am I going? [he was facing a panel of UAL and UAA members]
||UAA Leader:||[joins Shvek from the left side] W-we told you: we're sending you home. With the Crank and Wank Time Machine.
||Blavius:||[joins them both from the right side] Don't worry, my son. When you return to your time you will merge with your other self. It's all very Zen.
||Cartman:||Wait... Isn't... everybody at war over atheism?
||Shvek:||Atheism? No. We've learned to get rid of all the isms in our time.
||Medic:||Yes. Long ago we realized isms are great for those who are rational, but in the hands of irrational people, isms always lead to violence.
||Cartman:||So there is no war now in the future.
||Blavius:||Of course there's war. The stupid French-Chinese think they have a right to Hawaii.
||UAA Leader:||But now the moment has come to send you back to your time. [some rings descend from above and a blue light appears, indicating that beaming is about to begin]
||Shvek:||We unfroze you for a purpose, and now that purpose is fulfilled.
||Cartman:||[wondering] And what was that purpose again?
||Shvek:||We explained that to you already.
||Cartman:||Right... [a bird flies in and sets down next to him.]
||COCKA-3:||Goodbye, Eric. I will mess you. Squawk squawk
||Cartman:||I'll miss you too, COCKA-3.
||UAA Leader:||So long, Eric. And tell everyone in the past for us, that no one single answer... is ever the answer. [the rings go back up and take Eric with them.]
||[EV Games. Cartman is pacing in front of the store again]
||Cartman:||Noooo! [his future self is beamed into his body and he checks himself] I'm back. Wow! I'm back!
||Liane:||There you are, Eric.
||Cartman:||Mom! Mom, they did it!
||Liane:||Eric, you have to come home. You can't just wait here for that game to come out.
||Cartman:||[happy, for once] No, I know. You're right, Mom. I need to learn to be patient. I think I can wait three weeks for Nintendo Wii to come out.
||Liane:||But, honey, it's only September. That... [points] Nintendo Wii doesn't come out for two months.
||Cartman:||What? NO! [runs up to the window and sees that his mom is right] NOO!! [turns around and moves away from the storefront] You sent me back too far!! HEY! Do it over!
||Liane:||Who are you talking to, muffin?
||Cartman:||I can't wait two months! [runs back to the doors] I can't! There has to be a way around this!
||Clerk:||Hey, kid, somebody's on the phone for you.
||[Cartman the Time Child is calling from a different future, in which everyone floats around on large purple-pink bubbles]
||Time Child:||Hello? Hello? I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient and wait the two months! Do you hear me?!
||Cartman:||...Oh, suck my balls, Kyle! [hangs up and leaves the store.]
||[End of Go God Go Part XII.]