| Chef falsetto: | [Music starts and he starts to sway]
Nobody could take your place
No way they could match your face, no
You've got it going on in a way so clear,
I just want to buy you a beer…
Uh maybe tonight, at 7:30 or something I could uh - come by and uh -
Pick you up in my caa-a-aaaa-aa-aa-aa-aaar No substitute
No substitute for you No substitute
No, baby, there's No substitute
For you girl No substitute for you now
You know that it's true No substitute
There's just, no substitute for
You!
| Stan: | We've got to learn how to do that, dude!
| | Kyle: | Yup!
| | Ms. Ellen: | That was enthralling, Mr. Chef, but…could I get back to teaching now?
| | Chef: | If we can have dinner tonight.
| | Ms. Ellen: | Fine, Chef. [he grins] Just let me do my job before I get fired.
| | Cartman: | Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!
| | Ms. Ellen: | Wwhat?!
| | [Tom's Rhinoplasty. Mr. Garrison comes to, but his head is still in bandages]
| | Tom: | Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison.
| | Mr. Garrison: | Where-eh, where am I?
| | Tom: | The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.
| | Mr. Garrison: | Uuf, I feel weak. How do I look?
| | Tom: | You look great!
| | Mr. Garrison: | Ah-I feel kinda nauseous.
| | Tom: | Yes? Well, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, ssnapped some cartilage…
| | Mr. Garrison: | Aauugh-huh.
| | Tom: | …all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [starts making sound effects of tearing flesh]
| | Mr. Garrison: | UUUUUuuuuuugh
| | Tom: | By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact? [Mr. Garrison pops up and turns to the side of the bed]
| | Mr. Garrison: | Bluuuch…Bluuuch…Bluuuch…Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!
| | Tom: | I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest [Mr. Garrison lies down]; I'll check on you a little later. [walks out]
| | Mr. Garrison: | Wuch, uch. Boy I had to see the entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!
| | [Classroom. The school bell has rung and the kids are leaving]
| | Ms. Ellen: | Okay, kids, remember your homework. We have a lot of catching-up to do.
| | Cartman: | [enunciating] Good-bye, Ms. Ellen.
| | Kyle: | [looks back] Stop kissing ass, Cartman!
| | Cartman: | I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut! [exits]
| | Wendy: | Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
| | Ms. Ellen: | Of course, Wendy.
| | Wendy: | [sits next to the teacher's desk] I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
| | Ms. Ellen: | Ohhh. Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life…
| | Wendy: | Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
| | Ms. Ellen: | Of course, Wendy. [they reach out towards each other]
| | Wendy: | [angrily, flips her off] Don't fuck with me!
| | Ms. Ellen: | [stunned] Wha?
| | Wendy: | You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup your sorry little ass back to last year! [Ms. Ellen is shocked. Wendy drops from the chair and leaves] Bye, Ms. Ellen.
| | [Day two, the classroom]
| | Ms. Ellen: | Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children for the presents you got me [A pile of gifts sits on the teacher's desk. Smiles flash onto the boys' faces. She opens the first gift] Ohhh. What a delightful scarf. Thank you, Kyle. [he's dancing blissfully in his seat]
| | Stan: | [feigning a clearing throat] Ploozer gift, ploozer gift.
| | Ms. Ellen: | And here's one from Kenny. [opens it] Oh, thank you very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious-looking sausage. [He laughs, sure that she got the hint] Oh, and what a nice alarm clock. Thank you, Stan.
| | Stan: | Bluuch. [losing patience, Wendy thumps her desk and glares at him]
| | Ms. Ellen: | And here's another present…from Wendy. [opens it] Oh. Why, it's a dead animal. [holds it up for all to see] Thank you, Wendy [now irate that Ms. Ellen didn't fold].
| | Stan: | See? She liked my present the best!
| | Kyle: | Where's your present, Cartman?
| | Cartman: | Oh, well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but uuuuh-I left it at home [the left corner of his mouth tells a different story]
| | Ms. Ellen: | Okay, kids. We're gonna take a spelling test now. [all gasp] But as an extra incentive I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner. [the boys except Cartman perk up]
| | Cartman: | Oh, man, I wish I knew how to spell.
| | Ms. Ellen: | Are there any questions before we begin? [Wendy raises her hand] Yes, Wendy?
| | Wendy: | When someone gets as old as you, [Cartman takes a bite out of the chocolate pie] do they have to wear Depends undergarments? [Ms. Ellen looks dismayed. Wendy just looks back]
| | [The Cafeteria. The boys are in line for lunch]
| | Kyle: | Dude! I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!
| | Stan: | No you're not! I don't think I missed any!
| | Wendy: | [approaches witn BeBe. Both have lunches already] Hi, Stan.
| | Stan: | I bet I scored 100!
| | Wendy: | HI, STAN!
| | Stan: | Oh, hi, Wendy.
| | Wendy: | I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen.
| | Kyle: | No, she wasn't!
| | Wendy: | Yes, she was!
| | Stan: | That's impossible!
| | Wendy: | Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!
| | Cartman: | Nuh-uh!
| | Wendy: | It smells like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!
| | Kyle: | Oh cool.
| | Cartman: | Hey Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing!
| | Kyle: | Yeah. You're acting like a freak, Wendy.
| | Wendy: | NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAK!!! [realizes she has made a spectacle of herself as her voice echoes all over the room. Everyone in the cafetera looks at her. She moves away, humbled. BeBe follows]
| | Cartman: | Damn, man, someone's got to pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass. [they go in to get their lunches]
| | Chef: | [somberly] Hello there, children.
| | Cartman: | Oh, hi, Chef.
| | Kyle: | How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?
| | Chef: | Not too good.
| | Stan: | What happened? Didn't you make sweet love to her?
| | Chef: | No, nono, she's not like that. You see… uh, how do I put this? Children,… Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team. [they wait…] Ih-ih-ih-in in other words, children, she's not a member of the…heterosexual persuasion. [they just blink at him] Don't you understand? She's a lesbian.
| | Stan: | A whatbian?
| | Kyle: | A plebeian?
| | Chef: | You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
| | Stan: | Kenny? [he throws his palms up. He doesn't know, either] No, explain it to us, Chef.
| | Chef: | Hud-that-that's okay. Uhd-uh, look. All you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
| | Stan: | Oh.
| | Chef: | Now move along, children, you're holding up the line! [they head back into the cafeteria]
| | Kyle: | Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?
| | Stan: | Hey, man. If she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians, too!
| | Kyle: | Hey, yeah!
| | Cartman: | You guys. Ya know what? My grandma was Dutch Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian - that makes me quarter-lesbian.
| | Stan: | You're just saying that, Cartman.
| | Kyle: | Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fatass.
| | Cartman: | I am, too!
| | [Tom's Rhinoplasty]
| | Tom: | Okay, only a few more bandages to go.
| | Mr. Garrison: | Well?
| | Tom: | Take a look for yourself. [Mr. Garrison takes the mirror and sees a reflection of himself - as David Hasselhoff. He will look this way from now on]
| | Mr. Garrison: | Wwooww, that's a pretty good nose job. What do you think, Mr. Hat?
| | Mr. Hat: | I think it looks great.
| | Tom: | Yes. I think once the swelling goes down you'll really notice the difference.
| | [Cartman's house, after school. He's on the living room floor licking the carpet. His friends enter]
| | Stan: | What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
| | Cartman: | My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet.
| | Kyle: | Really?
| | Stan: | Well I got a…Indi-glo…Girls CD. The guy at the record store said it was perfect. [he pops the CD into the stereo]
| | Kyle: | And I got these killer Birken-stocks.
| | [Stan and Kyle promptly join Cartman on the floor. Kenny studies them for a moment, drops down and thinks a bit, then starts licking]
| | Indiglo Girls singer: | I woke up very early one Sunday morn…
| | Cartman: | This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!
| | [Sidewalk. The camera focuses on a pair of feet as they begin to move. The camera pans up to reveal Mr. Garrison walking down the street to the beat of the Bee Gees' Shadow Dancing. He stops by a woman in a yellow blouse and red skirt]
| | Mr. Garrison: | Hi, Mrs. Campbell.
| | Mrs. Campbell: | [breathlessly] Oh, How-dy Mr. Garrison. Se-hey, honey, you look kinda differe-hent-huh.
| | Mr. Garrison: | Really?
| | Mrs. Campbell: | Did you get a haircut?
| | Mr. Garrison: | No, but thanks for asking. [he moves down the street]
| | Mrs. Campbell: | [waving at him] Call me! I'm in the book!
| | Mr. Garrison: | Wow, Mr. Hat. Having a nose job is even better than I thought. There's a whole world of opportunity opening up in front of us.
| | [Wendy's house. BeBe is at the door]
| | Wendy: | Thanks for coming over, BeBe.
| | BeBe: | [follows Wendy to the sofa] That's okay, Wendy. I brought my makeup kit like you asked me. What are we doing, anyway?
| | Wendy: | That mean old substitute isn't going to stop until she takes everything from me, BeBe.
| | BeBe: | Really?
| | Wendy: | Yeah. What I'd really like to do is load her into a rocket and have her shoot into the center of the sun. But instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me again. BeBe, I need a makeover.
| | BeBe: | Oh, cool.
| | [Day three, the classroom]
| | Stan: | I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am.
| | Cartman: | I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
| | Stan: | No, you're a fatter lesbian than me.
| | Kyle: | Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!
| | Clyde: | Whoa. [all eyes look right] Is that Wendy Testaburger? [heads turn. Cartman smiles]
| | [Wendy had a makeover all right. She comes in dressed in a two-piece leather suit, blush, eyeshadow… A (candy?) cigarette hangs from her lips and her hair is feathered out. She walks in with an air of sophistication and then takes out the cigarette. A smoky tune plays as she enters. The guys in class are rathered pleased at this makeover]
| | Wendy: | What's up, guys?
| | Cartman: | Wow. Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease, Elton John. [Stan smiles and his eyes follow her to her desk]
| | Stan: | Wow. Hi, Wendy.
| | Wendy: | Oh. Hi, Stan. [turns to BeBe and whispers] I think it worked, BeBe.
| | BeBe: | [pleased] Yeah.
| | Ms. Ellen: | Good morning, children. [she, too, comes in wearing a two-piece leather suit]
| | Stan: | Wow! [Wendy and BeBe are devastated]
| | Cartman: | Dang! That's nice!
| | Kyle: | Yeah!
| | Ms. Ellen: | Oh, Wendy! You wore black leather, too! [Wendy is mortified] We're like sisters!
| | Wendy: | DIE!! [Stan rests his head on his hands and melts into a wavy smile while Cartman is overjoyed]
| | Ms. Ellen: | All right, kids, I've finished grading your papers and the person with the highest score is-
| | Mr. Garrison: | Hello there, children! [Shadow Dancing starts up again and he dances. The class just looks at him.]
| | Stan: | Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back.
| | Cartman: | Oh, weak, dude!
| | Wendy: | Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison! [triumphal music plays as she leaps out of her desk and somersaults her way to the teacher's desk. She lands next to Ms. Ellen]
[doing a little cheer] He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back! So loong, substitute. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, now.
| | Mr. Garrison: | Children, I have a very important announcement to make. [the class listens] I'm quitting my job as a teacher. [all gasp and the music dies]
| | Wendy: | Wwhat?
| | Mr. Garrison: | It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching, and do what I've always dreamed of doing: hang out and screw hot chicks.
| | Wendy: | You…you can't.
| | Mr. Garrison: | But the good news is, [Principal Victoria appears at the door] I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher. [Stan smiles]
| | Class: | Hooray! [Wendy is deflated again]
| | Ms. Ellen: | Really?
| | Principal Victoria: | That's right. Will you stay?
| | Ms. Ellen: | Wel…sure!
| | Wendy: | [barely containing herself] Noooo! Noooo!
| | Ms. Ellen: | Oh. By the way, kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me…is…Stan.
| | Stan: | Bluuch. Kick ass!
| | Wendy: | Nooo!! Nooo!!
| | Principal Victoria: | Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in the office: your grandma just died.
| | Wendy: | AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
| | Principal Victoria: | Oo my, what an exciting day!
| | PHOTO DOJO | MODELS WANTED
inquire within
| [Mr. Garrison is in a photo shoot, posing away as Shadow Dancing plays]
| | Photographer: | Great, baby, you're looking great!
| | Mr. Garrison: | I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat.
| | Mr. Hat: | You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
| | Photographer: | Okay, just a few hundred more shots and we'll be done!
| | Mr. Garrison: | A few hudnred?
| | Photographer: | Hey, that's the life of a model, baby.
| | Mr. Garrison: | Hoh, boy, I'm gonna need some more smack.
| | Photographer: | You've got it! [the shoot continues]
| | [Dinner at King Jimmy's Buffet. Stan and Ms. Ellen are at a booth. Dinner music is playing while thunder rolls by]
| | Ms. Ellen: | I'm - very - glad we can have dinner together, Stanley. I want you to know that I really care about your education.
| | Stan: | Are we making love now?
| | Ms. Ellen: | Excuse me?
| | Stan: | They don't have a fireplace here; we shouldn't be making love yet.
| | Ms. Ellen: | What are you talking about?
| | Stan: | You have to make love down by the fire, that's what Chef always says.
| | Ms. Ellen: | Stan, I'm your teacher, okay? We're only friends.
| | Stan: | But why?
| | Ms. Ellen: | Well first of all, you're eight.
| | Stan: | It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?
| | Ms. Ellen: | Oh boy.
| | [Wendy stands outside the restaurant looking at the pair through a window clear across the room. The music takes on a somber tone]
| | Wendy: | It's over. I give up. [she turns and walks away]
| | [Day four, the center of town. Mr. Garrsion reclines on a mailbox]
| | Mr. Garrison: | Boy I'll tell you something Mr. Hat. Being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring.
| | Mr. Hat: | You can say that again, Mr. Garrison. [a crowd of women is heard coming Garrison's way]
| | Mr. Garrison: | What the…? [the women appear and mob Mr. Garrison] Whoa-hey-way-wait-aaah. [they rip open his shirt] Aaaah. Mr. Hat! Save yourself! [Mr. Hat flies out of the fray]
| | [The classroom. Students are filing in and going to their seats]
| | Kyle: | So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?
| | Cartman: | Did you make love?
| | Stan: | I think so.
| | Cartman: | No way!
| | Stan: | Yup.
| | Kyle: | Down by the fire?
| | Stan: | Yup.
| | Kenny: | (And did you stick it in right when the fireplace gave you the shadow light?)
| | Stan: | Did I what?
| | Ms. Ellen: | [entering] Good morning, children.
| | Wendy: | [approaching subdued] Ms. Ellen. Can I talk to you?
| | Ms. Ellen: | Sure, but…can't it wait until after class, Wendy?
| | Wendy: | No. I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting.
| | Ms. Ellen: | Oh, that's okay, Wendy.
| | Wendy: | No, it's not. Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends.
| | Ms. Ellen: | Well, I would love that, Wendy.
| | Wendy: | And - ahem - I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong, [Stan frowns. Sad music plays] and I've learned from it. [Her eyes begin to well up with tears] I just wish…Stan, and Ms. Ellen, would have all the happiness in the world.
| | Ms. Ellen: | Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!
| | Cartman: | That's not what we just heard!
| | [the sidewalk. Mr. Garrison is next to a trash can. His shirt and pants are torn to bits. The top of Mr. Hat's hat is missing]
| | Mr. Garrison: | Hoh Mr. Hat, I hate this! I wish I'd never had a nose job. [The women find him and rush towards him]
| | Woman: | Oh my God, did he…?
| | Mr. Garrison: | Damn this beautiful face of mine! Damn it to hell!! [he pants] We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat. I want to be the old me again! [He enters Ton's Rhinoplasty again, the women rush by, and he peeks out from behind the window. So much for looking like David Hasselhoff…]
| | [the classroom]
| | Ms. Ellen: | Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting.
| | [A commotion is heard in the hall, then Arab soldiers burst through the door and pour into the classroom with their swords drawn]
| | Leader: | Down! Down! Everybody down!
| | Cartman: | What the hell…? [everybody drops down below their desks]
| | Leader: | So! We meet again, Ms. Ellen!
| | Principal Victoria: | And just what is going on here, mister?
| | Leader: | I am Hakim Qorashqi, of the mighty nation of Iraq! This woman is a traitor to our government!
| | Ms. Ellen: | It's a lie!
| | Qorashqi: | She has killed thousands, and will kill again, I assure you!
| | Principal Victoria: | Ms. Ellen, is this true?
| | Ms. Ellen: | Nooo!
| | Qorashqi: | We must take her back to Iraq immediately!
| | Wendy: | Oh, coool!
| | Ms. Ellen: | Principal Victoria, please.
| | Qorashqi: | Here is a black-and-white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader. [shows photo] Her real name is Maqesh Alaq Makaraqesh.
| | Principal Victoria: | Well, Ms. Makaraqesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy. Take her away!
| | Ms. Ellen: | NOOOO!! [grabs the scimitar away from a soldier] GET AWAY FROM ME!! UUGH!!
| | [The scimitar leaves her hand and heads for Kenny. It pierces him right above the nose, picks him up, and pins him to the back wall]
| | Stan: | Oh my God, she killed Kenny!
| | Kyle: | You bastard!
| | Ms. Ellen: | [being dragged out the door by the soldiers] NOOOOOOO!!
| | Wendy: | Wow. [the kids take their seats] What incredible irony.
| | [School entrance. helicopters are hovering around, an ambulance and Officer Barbrady hold the crowd back. Stan is standing next to Wendy]
| | Stan: | Wow. I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive.
| | Wendy: | Yeah, you just never know.
| | Stan: | Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff.
| | Wendy: | Happy Valentine's Day, Staan. [she turns to kiss him. He turns to kiss her. Wendy's theme plays. They get closer, then…]
| | Stan: | Bluuuuch! [right in her mouth]
| | Wendy: | Eeewwww! [quickly wipes the vomit from her mouth]
| | Stan: | [looks away, embarrassed] Sorry.
| | Wendy: | No, it's okay, Stan! [he looks at her] Everything's going to be o-kay!
| | Kyle: | Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?!
| | Cartman: | [takes a big bite out of a cardboard box] Yeah, dude! My mom says all I have to do is chow on this box.
| | [Iraqi desert. Military maneuvers are taking place. The camra stops at a rocket waiting to be launched]
| | Qorashqi: | For crimes against this country, you are hereby sentenced to be shot into the center of the sun!
| | Ms. Ellen: | Egh. [she is moved to the rocket] This is all a mistake! [she is thrown in] This can't be happening! [she pops up, the rocket door is shut, and the rocket is fired up] Pleease! For the love of God!
| | Qorashqi: | Shove off!! [the rocket takes off and heads for the sun]
| | [Wendy's house, pool party]
| | Mrs. Campbell: | Wo-hoo-hoo! Great party, Wendy!
| | Wendy: | Thanks, Mrs. Campbell. Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher.
| | Mrs. Campbell: | Anything for you, sugar-pie!
| | Wendy: | [seeing Kyle come up] Oh, hi, Kyle!
| | Kyle: | I've been thinking, Wendy. This whole outcome is pretty strange.
| | Wendy: | U-huh. Excuse me. [some Iraqi soldiers approach to talk to Wendy, and so] Ka fahra qehlaq hemblaq!
| | Iraqi: | Ka fahra qetlaq humblaq! [Greetings…]
| | Wendy: | Laq hemblaq henlaq henlalah qemblaq!
| | Iraqi: | Kuhla shaluah lakhenblaturtulah!
| | Wendy: | Kaqemblaq! [throws them a wad of bills]
| | Iraqi: | Ah, laqeh blakatah! [they walk away miffed]
| | Kyle: | How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly arrested for being an Iraq-
| | Wendy: | Wait, wait! [throws off her sunglasses and reaches down] It's time to whip out the eclipse shoebox thing! [puts it up to her left eye, then smiles. She is looking at the rocket fired off by the Iraqis some time earlier as it nears the sun. She sees the impact] Bye-bye, Ms. Ellen.
| | Kyle: | Wendy! You didn't!
| | Wendy: | I toold her. Don't… fuck… with… Wendy… Testaburger! [Kyle is shocked.]
| | [End of Tom's Rhinoplasty]
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