Rancho Palos Verdes Counselor
The Lake Tardicaca Campers and Staff
and language that might be
distubring to some viewers.
Viewer discretion is
|Towelie:||[walking down the street being friendly] Hey everybody, how's it goin'?|
The Drug Addict
|Towelie:||[taking a hit from a bong]> I just... I just can't seem to stop.
documentary about addiction
|Towelie:||Hey you! You goin' swimmin'? Don't forget to bring a towel. [coughs]
to face an intervention
|Towelie:||[stumbling around, tattered and wasted] Get out of my face! Get out of here! [runs at the camera and shoves it out of his face. The camera spins around in a blur of lights]
|Towelie:||[in studio] My name is Towelie. T O W E L uh-Y E Y. I'm great at cleanin' up spills. [a man spills his drink in a mall and Towelie throws himself at it, soaking it up. Next, he sends himself into a washing machine at a laundromat] And I'm 100% machine washable. I'm just... an ordinary towel, in a lot of ways. [hangs himself up to dry on a clothesline in someone's backyard] Except for one. [back to the studio] I'm addicted to marijuana. And crystal meth. ...aaand crack. [next scene is a wasted Towelie taking another hit from his bong]
Two years later he started
experimenting with crystal meth.
|Towelie:||[scorched and wasted, walks down the street] Hey buddy, want your dick sucked? [bends over for a moment] Does anybody want their dick sucked by a towel?
||Stan:||Towelie has become a complete nightmare in our town! He's broken into my house twice, and stolen my allowance! I-I've got almost nothing left!
||Kyle:||If we're playing outside he shows up completely wasted and, and screaming how the government is following 'im.
||Butters:||[cries, taking a tissue from the box next to him] Why I, I just don't wanna watch him kill himself... I don't even know who he is anymore!
||Stan:||There's noo doubt in my mind that if we don't get Towelie help, our entire summer is gonna be ruined! [Towelie is shown lighting a joint as the camera pulls away]
||[Lake Tardicaca, Camp for the Handicapped, day. It sits by the side of a lake, and disabled campers mill around in it.Some campers sit around a campfire, others help set up tents, still others play in the lake. The following song plays as the scene is established]
||Singers:||Are you ready for the summer?|
Are you ready for the good times?
Are you ready for the birds and bees?
The apple trees?
And a whole lot of fooling around?
Are you ready for the summer?
|[Timmy and Jimmy walk into camp. Jimmy sports some blue sunglasses. Both boys are dressed for swimming]
||Jimmy:||Oh boy, Timmy, it's our favorite time of year.
||Jimmy:||We get to see all our old friends again. Hey, there's Frances. Hey Frances!
||Frances:||[practicing how to light a fire with a stick, a bow, and a small board] Hi Jimmy, hi Tim.
||Timmy:||[waves, grinning] Timmy.
||Specialist 1:||Wow, look at Lenora everyone. [Lenora dog-paddles her way to the shore] Good job. Come on, good job Lenora. Ahahall right, good, let's get Lenora a towel. [Lenora begins to shiver. The song ends at this point] Come on, come on, where's the towel?
||Specialist 2:||[looks inside the towel cart...] The towel isn't here. I think it's off getting high again.
been working at a summer camp
for handicapped children.
He has been given warnings
for getting high fourteen times.
|[Towelie is tying a rubber band around his upper right arm, preparing to inject himself]
||Specialist 3:||[walks nearby looking for him] Hey! [startled, Towelie lets the rubber band snap off and fall to the ground] Where is that towel?!
||Towelie:||Oh yeah, just a sec. [the specialist sees him]
||Stan:||[in studio] We went out and got Towelie a job so he could try to pay us back all the money he owes us! [crosses his arms] Stupid towel!
||Specialist 3:||[now next to Towelie] What's going on, Towel?
||Towelie:||Oh yeah I just had to take a piss. Sorry.
||Specialist 3:||We got wet campers down there! Move your ass!
||Kyle:||[in studio] When Towelie is doing heroin, he doesn't care about anything.
||Towelie:||[now wasted and tattered]> I don't care about anything. Stupid... handicapped... camp. [walks by a campfire circle where Jimmy is holding court with his team]
||Jimmy:||Alright blue team. As team captain, I need to make sure we are ready for the big camp competition.
||"Elmre Fudd":||Oh we're weady aww wight. We can weawwy stick it to the wed team this yeaw, wahahahaha.
||"Beaky Buzzard":||No way Red Team can beat us, no way. Haha, hahaha.
||"Droopy Dawg":||Red Team won't know what hit them.
||Jimmy:||All right! Everyone together! Are we gonna beat Red Team this year?
||Blue Team:||Yeah! [a couple of members go on separately] Alright!
||[Nearby, Nathan and a huge boy listen in]
||Nathan:||I can't stand him, Mimsy. That Jimmy kid makes my fuckin... skin crawl.
||Mimsy:||Duhh you're prey to Jimmy, boss. Ever since he whooped you at soifin' last summer camp, he really took it to you good, haha.
||Nathan:||[smacks him with a right hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy!
||Mimsy:||Doh, sorry, boss.
||Nathan:||Listen to me: there is no way that Blue Team is gonna beat Red Team this year at camp. You got that?
the past three summers at
The three legged race is Blue
Team's best event.
|Nathan:||What we need to do, Momsy, is use a little brainpower to make sure Blue Team can't compete.
||Mimsy:||Oh boy, we're gonna ruin Blue Team's chances, huh? We're gonna break their legs or somethin', boss?
||Nathan:||[smacks him with a right hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Just do what I say, and we can make sure Jimmy Valmer gets what's comin' to him.
||[Specialist 1 has applied Towelie to Lenora, and Towelie gets her dry.]
||Specialist 1:||There you go, Lenora, all better now?
||Towelie:||That's right. When you go swimmin', don't forget to bring a [throws up all over Lenora]
||Specialist 3:||Who hired that towel? It can barely walk, let alone dry somebody off.
||Towelie:||[picking a fight] You think you're better than me? Huh?! You think you're fuckin' hot shit?!
||Stan:||[in studio] A lot of times, when Towelie shoots heroin he just... gets angry at everybody.
||Towelie:||You can all suck it! You're all, you're all a bunch of towels, that's what you are! [walks off in disgust]
||Butters:||[in studio, sobbing] The thing is, Towelie was pretty happy before. He had a girlfriend he liked. [a picture of the couple is shown, but her face is blurry. The picture was tkane at a restaurant booth] And then she got pregnant and had a little washcloth. [A picture of the three of them at the hospital. She shows off Washcloth, but her face is still blurry] Mm but then Towelie just kept gettin' more and more high, and he got kicked out of the house.
||Towelie:||[wasted. wandering in the woods] Fuck you! Let me talk to 'im! Let me talk to 'im, you bitch!
to his son.
His ex-wife will not let her son
talk to Towelie when he is high.
|Towelie:||No! I'm not high! I haven't been high since Wednesday! [the anger leaves his face] Oh. Oh it is Wednesday?
||[Camp Tardicaca, day. One of the specialists stands next to an event scoreboard with ten events listed]
||Specialist 1:||[over the megaphone] All right, campers! Our first event is the big canoe race!
||"Pete Puma":||Oh boy, the canoe races! Heeee! [the team turns right and walks away]
||"Porky Pig":||We gotta be uh bitty bitty uh we uh we gotta be we gotta be uh we gotta bibbity beat the Red Team. [turns and walks off with the others. Nearby, Nathan and Mimsy listen in again]
||Nathan:||I've got it, Momsy. I got a way to win the race and get rid of Jimmy for good.
||Mimsy:||Darrr, oh boy, what are we gonna do, boss?
||Nathan:||Simple, Mimsy, [pulls out a bat with something in it] We're gonna put a little surprise in the canoe.
||Mimsy:||Doh, dohhh, what kind of surprise uh? [Nathan pulls some of the snake out by its head] Oh! It's a snake.
||Nathan:||Not just any snake, Mimsy. It's a black mamba.
snake known to man.
The odds of surviving a
Black Mamba in your canoe
are 546 to 1.
|Mimsy:||Aww, dah, jee whiz boss, we're gonna kill all the Blue Team and Jimmy, huh? [Nathan shushes him]
||Specialist 4:||You boys excited for the canoe race?
||Nathan:||Yes, counselor Steve. I like the fun canoe.
||Specialist 4:||[encouraged] Canoes are fun, aren't day? [walks away]
||Nathan:||[now that the counselor is gone...] Now take the Black Mamba, [hands the bag to Mimsy] Mimsy, and put it in the canoe. I'm gonna go get our team ready.
||[The teams have sat down inside their canoes]
||Specialist 1:||All right, campers are we ready?
||Nathan:||Good luck, Jimmy.
||Jimmy:||You too, Ne-n-Nathan.
||Nathan:||You're gonna need it, you fuckin' asshole.
||Specialist 1:||Oh your mark, get set. [shoots off her gun, and both boats take off. Nathan switches his oar to his right side, but notices something on the floor: the Black Mamba Mimsy was to put in the OTHER canoe.]
||Nathan:||Aaah! Holy shit, Mimsy! What the hell did you do?!
||Mimsy:||Darrr, you set to put the Black Mamba in the canoe, boss.
||Nathan:||[shakes his fist] NOT IN OUR CANOE, MIMSY!
snake in the wrong canoe.
The odds of the Red Team
winning the canoe race
are now 1 n 19.
|[Nathan's crew begins to bail on him, allowing the Blue Team to win this event]
||[Lake Tardicaca. Steve rushes to a supply shack to get Towelie]
||Steve:||[tries to open the door, but finds it locked] Heeey. Hey, we need a towel! [pounds on the door]
||Towelie:||Uh, oh, um, uh, just a sec!
||Steve:||Not just a sec! We've got a whole lot of wet campers down there! [tries to get the door open by throwing himself at it a few times] What's going on?! [kicks the door in and is instantly shocked at what he sees: Towelie on his knees in front of an elderly man who's pulling up his pants]
for drugs by offering oral
sex to older men
|[the man rushes out of the shack while the specialist remains speechless]
||Towelie:||Hey, you own me money, asshole!
||[The camp office, later.]
||Specialist 1:||That's it, we're done! You are no longer employed here!
||Specialist 1:||We need a nice, clean towel here at summer camp. We don't need a towel that shoots heroin and has sex for money!
||Towelie:||Heh, some people are so picky about their towels
||[Lake Tardicaca, later.]
||Specialist 3:||All right campers, next event is the big scavenger hunt! Blue Team is gonna go first. [Nathan and Mimsy stand nearby, overhearing the specialist]
||Nathan:||I finally got it, Mimsy. I got a way we can kill Jimmy and beat the Blue Team.
||Mimsy:||Oh boy, what are we gonna do to him, huh buss?
||Nathan:||Simple. We're gonna get Jimmy killed by Native Americans. [reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a map] Here, take this. [Mimsy takes it and opens ir up] It's a fake scavenger hunt map
||Mimsy:||Dahhh, this map leads to the scaventer hunt?
||Nathan:||No, that map leads to the Indian reservation. We switch this with Blue Team's scavenger hunting map, and they'll end up right on the Tardicaca Indian Reservation.
of their land.
Trespassing on the Tardicaca
Reservation is considered
|Mimsy:||Dah-oh boy! We're gonna get Jimmy killed by Indians, huh boss? [again Nathan shushes him as a specialist draws near to them]
||Counselor Steve:||Are you boys excited for the neat scavenger hunt?
||Nathan:||Yes, Counselor Steve. I like a scavenger hunt. [Steve walks away] Alright Mimsy, now you take this map to the Indian Reservation, and you switch it with Blue Team's map. You got that, Mims? You switch the map! Switch! The map!
||Mimsy:||I got it, boss. Switch the map. Switch the map. [walks away]
||[Lake Tardicaca, day. Nathan leads his team into the woods for scavenging.]
||Mimsy:||Dah how come we're scavenger huntin' now, boss?
||Nathan:||Because, stupid, now that we have Blue Team's map we can get their scavenger prize too.
||[The boys find themselves in a clearing. Nathan takes a look around]
||Nathan:||This down't make sense. Why would they make us walk this far? We're handicapped. "Turn left at the..." Wait. Waitaminute, what? What the? [finds his way onto the Tardicaca Burial Grounds] Oh fuck! Mimsy! This is the map to the Indian Reservation!
||Mimsy:||Why sure it is, boss.
||Nathan:||I told you to switch this with the map for the Blue Team!
||Mimsy:||No, you told me to switch the map, switch the map, so I switched it, and I switched it. [his motions indicate he just flipped the map this way and that]
||Nathan:||Miiimmmssssyyyy! [all of a sudden, Indians appear on horseback.] Uh, my name is Nathan. I'm disabled. [the Indians fire at him and arrows go flying all over the place. He's struck a few times.] AAAAA!
|[Towelie is walking towards a Supply Max store]
||Towelie:||Hey everybody. Let's all go to the office supply store. [inside he grabs as many bottles of computer duster as he can]
for hard drugs.
He now inhales computer
duster to get high.
|Cashier:||You must have one dusty computer.
||Towelie:||[irritated] Fuck you! It's not illegal, bitch! [goes to his red car outside, gets in, and closes the door. Inside he takes out a bottle of computer duster and starts sniffing. He goes through bottle after bottle, screwing up his face more and more] I feel like I could conquer the world.
2,000 cans of computer
duster a day.
|Towelie:||[taking a short break from his sniffing] It's like I'm walkin' on sunshine.
||Butters:||[in studio] I really think this intervention is Towelie's last chance. [at the Supply Max parking lot, walks up and kicks the door on Towelie's car] Towelie! Open the door!
||Towelie:||Go away! I'm walking on sunshine!
||Butters:||Towelie, I gotta take you somewhere really important!
||Towelie:||Jus', just let me walk on the sunshine a little more. [Butters waits]
||[Lake Tardicaca, day. The head specialist comes to announce some results]
||Specialist 1:||[through the megaphone] All right! In the surfing competition, the Red Team is up three points to two. ["Elmer Fudd" puts his surfboard away]And now it's Jimmy Valmer's turn. [Jimmy goes out into the open water on his board]
||Frances:||Gee, I wish our team captain was as awesoem as Jimmy. [The camera pans across the dock and on to Nathan and Mimsy]
||Nathan:||I finally got it, Mimsy. I got a way we can get rid of Jimmy once and for all.
||Mimsy:||Oh boy oh boy! What are we gonna do to him, boss?
||Nathan:||Simple. We're gonna get Jimmy eaten by a shark. [pulls out a small box in which is a whistle. He opens the box and takes out the whistle, and hads it to Mimsy] Here, take this. [Mimsy takes it, and Nathan puts the box back in his back pocket] It's a shark-mating whistle.
||Mimsy:||Dahhh okay boss, a shark-mating whistle. We're gonna hit him over the head with it, huh boss?
||Nathan:||No, you moron. You go under the water and blow that whistle. You can attract sharks right as Jimmy starts to surf.
shark in Colorado.
A shark mating whistle can
attract the shark from
over two miles away.
* Colorado Department of Wildlife
|Mimsy:||Dahhh I've got it boss. I blow the whistle and make the shark come and bite Jimmy's legs off. [getting excited] Then he bleeds to death. He's gonna bleed to death. [Nathan shushes him again as Steve walks by]
||Steve:||Are you boys enjoying the fun beach?
||Nathan:||Yes, Counselor Steve. The beach is warm. [Steve walks off]
||Mimsy:||Gee that was a close one, huh boss? They almost had me saying we were gonna kill Jimmy.
||Nathan:||[smacks him with a left hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Just swim in the water where Jimmy is, then blow that whistle.
||Mimsy:||Dohh boy! [walks away to complete his mission]
||[On the lake, Jimmy is set to surf to shore. He waits for a wave. On the shore...]
||"Pete Puma":||Yeah I don't know, Timmy. Those waves are pretty big, heeeee.
||"Beaky Buzzard":||Uhuhuh. Don't worry, Jimmy can handle himself.
||Jimmy:||Gonna catch a wave... [no wave is coming. Underwater, Mimsy swims by]
||Mimsy:||Dahhh I got me a shark whistle.
||Jimmy:||Oh boy, here it comes! Here it comes! [a wave rises high behind him and lifts him with it, then crashes down over and in front of him]
||"Droopy Dawg":||Oh no! Jimmy!
||"Elmer Fudd":||Wait, look! He's doing it! [Jimmy rises to the top and the campers cheer. He's doing all the surfing moves. Meanwhile, Mimsy comes out of the water and walks up to Nathan.]
||Mimsy:||Dohoho, oh boy!
||Nathan:||Mimsy, you didn't do wha' I told you.
||Mimsy:||Dahh whattaya mean, boss? You said to swim in the water and to blow the whistle. I swam in the water, so now I'm gonna blow the whistle. [blows hard into the whistle]
the shark whistle while still
under the water.
There appears to have been a
|[Mimsy blows the whistle a few more times]
||Nathan:||You fucking idio'! You don't blow a shark mating whistle on dry land! You were supposed to blow it- [a shark jumps out of the water, lands on him, and begins to mate with him] eh uh uh...
Shark to come onto the beach
and mate with Nathan.
The Tardicaca Lake Shark's
penis is nine inches long.
* Colorado Department of Wildlife
|Nathan:||Mimsssyyy! Get this thing off of meee!
||Stan:||[in studio] Today is Towelie's intervention. We have ...no idea how he's gonna react.
||Butters:||Um come on, Towelie, it's, it's right over here.
his way to the Laundromat.
|[Butters leads a battered and wasted Towelie to a door and opens the door. They walk into the room and see Clyde, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Stan, as well as a therapist, all waiting for them.]
||Towelie:||Wha' what's goin' on?
||Therapist:||You wanna come over, have a seat with your friends? [Butters takes a seat between Kyle and Cartman, making space for Towelie to sit between him and Kyle. Towelie follows Butters to the sofa]
||Towelie:||What is everybody doing here?
||Therapist:||We've all just been talking, Towelie, and and what I'm hearing is a bunch of people here who just love the heck outtaya. And, they're gonna way what they wanna say, and you're gonna say what you wanna say, and we're done. Okay?
||Butters:||[reads from a note he wrote down earlier] Towelie, over the past couple of years, I have seen drug addiction affect you in the following ways.
||Towelie:||Aw Jesus, man.
||Therapist:||Ah ah Towelie, you need to let him finish.
||Butters:||You're not the towel you used to be. [sniffles] Where, as you used to be fluffy and absorbent, ye-you now are crusty and.... and unable to absorb the smallest amount of water. Will you get help today?
||Towelie:||I I don't, I don't get this.
||Kyle:||[reads from a note he wrote down earlier] Towelie, over the past few months I have watched you go from an ancillary character with a few amusing catchphrases to a dried out spooge rag covered in the jizz of a thousand older men.
||Towelie:||Could we just end this please?
||Therapist:||You you have to let him finish, Towelie.
||Kyle:||If you do not accept treatment I will no longer give you money or be your friend. I will not help you kill yourself.
||Therapist:||Alright. Eric, do you wanna go next?
||Cartman:||[reads his note] Kyle, I hate you so much. You are a liar and a swindler who would do anythng for money, and I-.
||Kyle:||We're here for Towelie, fatass!
||Cartman:||I'm supposed to be allowed to finish, right? Is that right? [clears his throat] The Jews have been persecuted across the earth for good reason, Kyle. You are a race of beady-eyed thieves who are always wan- [Kyle walks over and rips the note from Cartman's hands]
||Kyle:||This is serious, you fucking asshole!
||Cartman:||I'm being serious, Kyle! Hello?!
||Therapist:||Kyle, we have to let people be allowed to finish during interventions.
||Kyle:||But he's just using his time on television to rant about-
||Therapist:||Kyle PLEASE, It is not your turn!
||Cartman:||[takes his note back. Kyle walks back to his seat] You are a race of beady-eyed thieves, Kyle, who throughout the millennia have squirmed and worked your way into the dark cubbyholes of society. [puts down that sheet, but reaches into his back pocket for another one] Where exactly did the Jews first get their power and how are they able to manipulate our minds today?
||Kyle:||Oh my God!!
||[Lake Tardicaca, night. Time for the Talent Show Competition! A Hawaiian song starts up. Jimmy is singing and playing ukulele]
||Jimmy:||It's a snap at Tardicaca Camp to learn to do the hula hula dance|
I fell in love with a Tardicaca dove while doin' that funny funny dance.
And that poor little kid, why she never did know what love had in store.
So I made up my mind-
|Nathan:||Get ready, Mimsy. Blue Team is about to go boom.
||[Nathan and Mimsy stand in the shadows with their fingers in their ears]
of C4 in Jimmy's ukulele.
It is set to go off during
the ukulele solo of
'Tardicaca Hula Gal'
|Jimmy:||So I made up my mind that I've just got to find the Tardicaca girl I did adore.
||Jimmy:||Hurr a little Tardicaca...
||Jimmy:||She's a candy cane to wiggle
||Jimmy:||She's sure to make you g-giggle.
||Jimmy:||With her naughty little wiggle. I know someday
||Jimmy:||I'm gonna try to make that Tardicaca gally mine, gally mine.|
'Cause all the while I'm dreaming of her. My Tardicaca Hola Gal!
[begins playing the solo, but hits a B, which is off] Oh sorry, that's not right. Hang on. [tries playing it again, but this time hits an A. Behind some trees, Nathan and Mimsy look on]