Episode 1409 - It's A Jersey Thing

Cast:

Stan
Kyle "Kyley-B"
Cartman
Butters
Kenny
Dog Poo
Gerald, Sheila "S-Woww Tittybang", and Ike Broflovski
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Steve Stotch
Stuart McCormick
Jimbo
Mr. Garrison
Barbrady
Skeeter

Real Housewives of New Jersey
Joe and Theresa Giudice
Danielle
Jacqueline
Caroline

Jersey Shore
Snooki
The Situation
P-Train
Tan Jovi

Others
Steve "Last Call"
Reporter

Announcer
Bar Patron 1
Bar Patron 2
Jersey Man 2
Jersey Woman
Operative
Paratrooper
Julia the Salon Girl
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Woman


[The Broflovski house, dinint room tabble, evening. The family is gathered at table eating dinner]
Kyle:Mom, Dad, what's "muff cabbage"? [Gerald and Sheila look at each other]
Gerald:Mmmuff... cabbabe?
Sheila:Where did you hear that?
Ike:Muff cabbaaage!
Kyle:The new neighbors that moved in next to Stan's house. Me and Ike saw the mom get a parking ticket, and she called the parking cop "muff cabbage".
Ike:Muff cabbage.
Sheila:A new family moved in? Where are they from?
Kyle:She said they're from Newww Jersey.
Sheila:[drops her fork] New Jersey? A family from New Jersey moved in next to the Marshes?
Kyle:Yeah. Stan said they're having them over for dinner tonight.
Sheila:[fearful, quickly leaves her chair and walks off a bit] Oh God... Poor Sharon... Doesn't she know?
Kyle:Know what, Ma?
Ike:Muff cabbage!
Sheila:Never invite a New Jersey housewife in your home.
[The Marsh house, dinner time. The table has been enlarged to accomodate their guests - a family with three kids. Grandpa Marsh is not at the table]
Theresa:[at the head of the table. Sharon is to her right] And so then I met the school principal - what's her name? Principal Victoria? What! A stupid! Bitch! I mean, excuase my language, but that bitch needs her fuckin' head examined!
[Theresa's new home, next door, on New Jersey Housewives]
Theresa:Yeah, so moy family and I moved from Jersey to South Park about a week ago? So far, I can tell that everyone here really likes me.
[The Marsh house, dinner timee]
Theresa:Oh! And I met that Stotch woman - what's her name?
Sharon:Oh, Linda, huh?
Theresa:Have you noticed how yellow that bitch's teeth are? You can tell that woman is a piece of garbage. She's garbage! [the girls at the table just look on and continue eating] I went into the mall here and I just about dropped dead. The only panties you can buy makes you look like you have a grandma muff! Where's the Gucci? Where's the Prada? Have they heard of Italian clothes?? It's ridiculous!
Joe:[as Theresa rattles on] So Randy, what gyms are good around here? Where do you work out?
Randy:I don't really work out.
Joe:Wehell I gotta find somethin'; [flexes his left biceps] my biceps are goin' flat.
Theresa:Where can you get good clothes in this town?! Nowhere! I mean, that's why you're stuck wearing garbage like that, right? And the woman that works the hair salon? Julia? Have you seen how big that bitch's ears are?
Sharon:Oh, Julia's a friend of mine, yeah.
Theresa:Ears out to here! [spreads her arms out as far as they could go] So I tell her, "you got big ears, sweetie." I'm not trying to be mean, it's just a Jersey thing. Why be offended. I mean, you've got a big chin. We've all got imperfections.
Sharon:Right, just like your eys are kind of far apart. [ture, true. Theresa's expression changes to a dark mood]
[Theresa's new home, next door, on New Jersey Housewives]
Theresa:That was totally uncalled for, for what she did. My eyes are too far apart? And like who is she? Is she God? No.
[The Marsh house, dinner timee]
Theresa:You don't evah! EVah! You rectum, prostitution [slams her hands on the table] whore! You probably sell YOUR muff... [slams her hands on the table] for six dollahs! You fucking psycho bitch!! Fuck you!! [lifts the table, which causes it to dump the food on the floor. Sharon quickly hides behind Randy] You're nothin' but garbage!! [Joe comes up and restrains her from behind] That's what you are!! You're garbage!! [Stan's eyes dart back and forth] You sick, old woman, muff garbage!! [Joe takes her into the kitchen] Muff gahbaaage!! Fuck this psycho bitch!
Sharon:Wow...
Theresa:Let's get the fuck outta here! She's a funkin' pig! She's fuckin' pissin' me off! Okay I love you.
Joe:Take it easy.
Theresa:I love you. [they kiss] I love you. I thought I was gonna deck her.
[Theresa's new home]
Theresa:I was fine. I was really fine. I just wanted to get my point across to her, and then that's how I am. [she takes Joe's hand and walks him back into the dining room] Like I could be mad one minute and then I'll be fine.
[The Marsh house, dinner timee]
Theresa:Okay, all bettah. Just had to get that out. It's just, it's a Jersey thing. So, who wants dessert? Meee!
[The Sizzler, day. The boys are having lunch there]
Stan:You guys do not understand: having neighbors from Jersey is the worst! All night long they keep me awake! They're either, screaming at each other, or, making some disgusting sex sounds. It seems like all people from Jersey do is hump and punch each other!
Cartman:You know what you do when you want a family to move away? Every night, you go and take a crap on their doorstep.
Kyle:[glaring at him] Is that why there's crap on my doorstep every morning?!
Cartman:Oops, busted. [avoids eye contact]
Stan:They talk way too loud, they flip out for no reason and, and every time they act like selfish assholes that just go, "Oh it's a Jersey thing, it's a Jersey thing."
Steve "Last Call":Hey, you talkin' 'bout Jersey? Me and my friends are from Jersey.
Cartman:Aw crap, there's more of them?
Steve "Last Call":'Ey, come on, there's people from Jersey all over! Who here is from Jersey? [a lot of people respond]
[Highlight.]
Steve "Last Call":So I'm like standin' there and I'm like, "Who's from Jersey?" and people are all like "Yo! Woohoo!" Next thing you know, Jersey party at Sizzler. [the restaurant is transformed into a club]
[Sizzler, later on. Everyone is dancing except the boys, music is pumping, lights flash all around]
Woman:[in a Jacuzzi] Yeah, let's get this party staaarted. [the man in the jacuzzi ogles her, and the other woman in the jacuzzi smacks him for it. They start fighting while a random fight breaks out near the booths]
Kyle:Where the hell are they coming from?! [a bottle of Corona beer lands in front of the boys and shatters. The boys jump back]
[South Park Salon, day. Sharon approaches it. Inside...]
Theresa:Danielle was being a stupid bitch.
Danielle:Shut. Up. Theresa. You're pathetic!
Theresa:I'm pathetic? You're muff gabbage! [Sharon walks into the salon. Theresa gets up to greet her] Ohhh Sharon! [they hug] Hi sweetie. You gotta meet our new neighbors. This is Jacqueline, she's from Jersey.
Jacqueline:And Sicilian
Theresa:That's Danielle, she's from Jersey. [Danielle is black or really tanned] Amd that's Caroline.
Caroline:I'm having my face shaved. It's a Jersey thing.
Julia:I'm sorry, but I have other clients in ten minutes. Can you sit down? [Theresa didn't like that request]
[Highlight.]
Jacqueline:When the salon girl told Theresa to sit down, I thought Theresa was gonna bust. A tit.
[the salon]
Theresa:Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do! I'm a client here!
Caroline:Theresa! Calm. Down.
Julia:I don't have to take your shit! I'm from Jersey!
Caroline:Get herrr, Sharohhhn!!
Sharon:What?
Jacqueline:Sharon, just stay out of it!
Caroline:Be, the bigger person, Sharon!
Sharon:You people are crazy.
Caroline:Who's crazy? Are you talkin' about my family?! [grabs Sharon by the hair and pulls her a few steps. Sharon begins to scream] Is my family crazy?!
Theresa:Don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch! [pulls Sharon back by the hair]
Sheila:[barges in ready to fight] Let go o'her you piece of trash! [the other ladies turn to look]
Theresa:Who the fuck are you, to tell me, what to do?!
Sheila:[walks up to the womens] All you trashy whores get the fuck out of here and leave her alone!
Theresa:Psycho bitch!
Sheila:[slaps her hand away] No! You're a psycho bitch, psycho bitch! Psycho biiitch!! You wanna see fuckin' crazy?! You'd better just step the fuck away or you're gonna see fuckin' crazy! [the Jersey women begin to leave]
Jacqueline:[turns to look at Sheila] You're, gabbage! [then leaves]
Sharon:Sheila?
[South Park Community Center, evening. Randy has the floor as the other townsfolk sit and listen]
Randy:People of South Park! We have all noticed a steep rise in everything Jersey lately. As many of you already know, everything east of the Rockies is now part of New Jersey! The Jersey Shore now includes Jacksonville, Miami, the Gulf of Jersey Mexico, and the Jersey Islands [this includes Puerto Rica and Cuba]
Mr. Garrison:Jesus! Why are they doing this?
Randy:More people from Jersey are showing up in our town! If we don't do something... South Park is going to become West Jersey.
Jimbo:Well that does it! Let's go tell everyone from Jersey we don't want 'em here!
All:Yeah!
Sheila:That won't work. Yuo can't just tell people from Jersey you don't like them. No matter how obnoxious they are, they will convince themselves that you all actually think they're cool.
Jimbo:How do you know that, Ms. Broflovski? [Sheila is on the spot.]
[Highlight.]
Sheila:That's when I knew I had to tell everyone the truth: that originally... I'm from Jersey. [the adults present are Steve and Linda Stotch, Randy and Sharon Marsh, Stuart McCormick, his wife, and Liane Cartman] Yes, born and raised, I wasn't even called Sheila back then. In Jersey I was known as S-Woww Tittybang. [a picture of her is shown] I drank heavily and punched a lot of bitches in the face. [a picture of one such incident is shown] Living in South Park I'm able to control the Jersey side of me, which doesn't really come out unless I get around other people from Jersey. [turns away from the other adults] I'm just really hoping that people here don't judge me for it, or or, somehow, you know, hold it against me.
Sharon:Sheila, who are you talking to?
Sheila:You wouldn't understand. It's a Jersey thing. [walks away]
[The park, basketball court, day. The boys - Stan, Kenny and Cartman - are playing backetball. Kenny has the ball and is trying to get past Cartman]
Cartman:You ain't gettin' by that way, Kenny!
Kyle:[approaching] Hey dudes.
Cartman:[takes the ball from Kenny and confronts Kyle] Ohhh, well well well, look what the cat threw up in the litter box. Come on guys, we don't wanna be seen hanging' around "him."
Kyle:What are you talking about?
Cartman:Dude, we heard the news! Your mom is from Jersey!
Kyle:So what?
Cartman:So what?? That makes you from Jersey!
Kyle:No it doesn't!
Cartman:[turns around] He's from Jersey you guys. [walks away] Let's just get away from him.
Kyle:I'm not from Jersey, I was born here.
Cartman:Don't try and deny it! You're one of them dude, and by my account that strike three!
Kyle:What's strike three?!
Cartman:[takes off Kyle's hat] You're a ginger, a Jew, and from Jersey! Three strikes, Kyle! YOU'RE OUT!
Kyle:Shut the fuck up! [takes his hat back and puts it on, then looks at the other boys] What?
Stan:Did you know your mom was from Jersey?
Kyle:Why does it matter?!
Stan:No ah ah it just explains a lot.
Cartman:[moves Kyle aside] Oh my God! Kyle is even starting to look like he's from Jersey! His skin is turning orange!
Kyle:No it isn't!
Cartman:Yes it is. It's getting oranger.
Stan:Stop it, Cartman. Just 'cause Kyle's mom is a Jersey asshole doesn't mean Kyle is.
Kenny:(Yeah.)
Cartman:Okay, you do what you want, guys. As for me, well, you're a heartless backstabbing Jersey boy, Kyle, and I shan't be playing basketball with the likes... of you. [walks away, then turns and glares at him] And I'm gonna start crappin' on your doorstep a LOT more!
[The Broflovski house, night. Kyle is brushing his teeth when he looks at himself in the mirror and then checks out his hands and his face. He takes his toothbrush out of his mouth and drops it into the sink, then checks out his hat]
Kyle:No... [removes his hat] Couldn't be... [opens the top drawer of the vanity and pulls out a pair of scissors. He begins to cut his hair, slowly, then faster and faster. He gets some styling gel and rubs it into his hair. He gets a razor out to shape his eyebrows, cuts more of his hair off, rips the sleeves off his shirt, gets a bracelet and puts it on his right forearm, gets more gel and rubs a design onto his shirt, then is shocked at what he sees in the mirror] Oh my God.
Sheila:[knocks on the bathroom door] Kyle? You in there?
Kyle:Hold on. Ahhh-I'm ah, n-not right now. [goes about putting stuff away and closing all the drawers]
Sheila:Kyle, open the door.
Kyle:Nnnot now Mom. Pleaae.
Sheila:Kyle, this instant! One, two. [Kyle goes to the door]
Kyle:Alright, alriiight. [opens the door and see his mom, who's really Jerseyfied herself. He's speechless]
Sheila:I guess we need to talk.
[Kyle's bedroom, minutes later. She and Kyle are sitting on his bed]
Sheila:I know this has to be very upsetting for you, Kyle.
Kyle:[enunciating] What am I, Mom?
Sheila:When I got pregnant with you, Kyle, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark. We knew we had to get out. Neither of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved. As far away as we could. But now I realize: you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus.
Kyle:[getting scard] What are you saying??
Sheila:I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark. Technically, you are from Jersey.
Kyle:[looks at his new look] No! I don't wanna look like this!
Sheila:It isn't so bad, Kyle. A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice.
Ike:[walks by and looks] AAAAAAAAAAH! [faints on his back]
Kyle:I can hide it! [hops off the bed] Nobody ever has to know! [puts his hat back on and walks out the bedroom door] I can't ever let anybody know!
[a new program comes on]
Announcer:Live, from St. Louis, New Jersey! It's the Jersey News! With anchormen P-Train and Tan Jovi!
P-Train:What's up New Jersey it's the evenin' news. Our top story tonight, many Jersey people are freakin' pissed, after a small town in Colorado got all aggro on some decent Jersey folk! For more on this story we go to Chicago.
Reporter:People here in Chicago, New Jersey, are riled up. P-Train. Apparently a town called South Park, which is at the border of Denver, New Jersey, is discriminating against people from Jersey! They won't sell houses to people from Jersey, and they're making all the ones who moved in, move out, [a family is forcibly hauled out of their new home and stuffed into their car] and they're takin' down all the Jersey-owned shops! [South Park Salon is bombed and everyone in there runs out] It's like these people got a beef with Jersey. What's up wit that??
Tan Jovi:What's up wit that??
P-Train:What's up wit that??
Tan Jovi:Well WE are coming after YOU, South Park! We fight discrimination! It's a Jersey thing!
[South Park, night, town square. The townsfolk have brought everything they could think of to form a barricade against the Jersey folk. Randy is on the line]
Randy:Please, Governor. You have to send your troops to join us in this fight. We're just a small town. We can't stop New Jersey on our own.
Schwarzenegger:Ve are very sorry, but California cannot afford helping you at this time.
Randy:Can't you see that if we fall to New Jersey, Califnrnia is next?
Schwarzenegger:No, because Utah is between Colorado and California.
Randy:Oh. Fine! But when Utah gets taken over by New Jersey, [then] who's next?!
Schwarzenegger:Nevada.
Randy:Oh, really? Well oaky, Mister I'm Awesome at Geography-!
[South Park, night, town square. In the shadows, Kyle gives Kenny a rifle as Cartman walks up. Stan gives another rifle to Kyle]
Cartman:What the hell are you gous doing?!
Stan:Tryin' to help. My dad says to distribute all these guns.
Cartman:[points to Kyle] And we're just gonna let him stand around here?! He's one of them; he could even be a spy!
Kyle:I told you Cartman, I'm not one of them! I don't wanna live in West Jersey any more than you do!
Cartman:Overcompensating a little, aren't we Kyle?!
Kyle:That's enough!
Cartman:Your blood is tainted with the three J's! Jewish, Jersey and Jinger! Admit it!
Kyle:AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs at Cartman and pins him hard against a tree] I'M NOT ONE OF THEM! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! YOU'D BETTER GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FAT HEAD! I WILL NEVER BE ONE OF THEM, AND IF YOU SAY IT AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL SMASH YOUR FUCKING TEETH IN! [lets go and walks away angrily. Cartman backs up a bit without saying a word, then breaks down]
Cartman:That hurt my throat because he pushed it right here, and then the back of my head hit the treeeee. There was, there was there was bark and it scratched iiit. [Stan and Kenny walk away silently] Did you see the scratch, Kenny??
[South Park, night, town square. Randy is on the line looking for other support]
Randy:Please, Emperor Akishino! We need Japan's help to fight these people! [waits for an answer] Fine! But you Japs will all be eatin' hoagies in a month! [throws his cell phone away and claps his hands free of it] That's it, nobody's gonna help us! We're on our onw!
Stuart:We can't take on all of Jersey, we have to find support.
Randy:There is no support! Every ally America ever had is- [thinks of something] Wait a minute. [strokes his chin] Sometimes when a threat is great enough... you have to turn to your enemies for help.
Mr. Garrison:What are you talking about?
Randy:We could ask Al Qaeda.
Steve:[steps forward] Ask Al Qaeda for help? After what they did to us?!
Randy:Maybe it's time we put our differences aside and forgive them.
Steve:And what about the families of the victims of 9/11?? Their feelings matter for another ten months, damnit!
Bar Patron 1:Hey! Hey, we got a problem! You've gotta get some people down to the bad quick! There's trouble!
Randy:People from Jersey?
Bar Patron 1:I don't know what the hell I saw.
[Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Officer Barbrady's cruiser is parked out front. Officer Barbrady and other men from the town search the bar in the darkness with flashlights]
Skeeter:It tore a hole in my meat locker. Smahsed a cigarette machine in half.
Barbrady:Alright, come out now. Make it easy on yourself. [a soft, high growl is heard and a figure runs by in the shadows, bumping into a few tables. The figure runs by again, grunting. The flashlights follow the sound and find a woman who looks like a troll cowering in a corner. Her arms are really short, her ears are elfin, her skin is orange]
Bar Patron 2:It's one of them! That thing's from Jersey too! [the thing moves closer to the ATM and smokes]
Randy:What is it?
Bar Patron 2:It's callked a Snooki. It's very famous. [Snooki sips from her drink and eats straight out of a pickle jar]
Randy:That thing is famous? Why?
Bar Patron 2:I don't know!
Jimbo:Wull what are we waitin' for? Let's kill it! [aims his rifle and fires at her. She drops the pickle jar and it shatters. ]
Snooki:[walking away from the ATM] Snooookiii.
Randy:Don't let it get away! Where is it?! [hears a sound] Who was that?? [his beam lands on Snooki, who has taken Steve Stotch down and is raping him]
Steve:Aaagh! Get it off of me!
Snooki:[raping him] Snnoki smoosh.
Steve:Get off! [another gunshot is heard and Snooki heads for a window and jumps out through it, running away]
[South Park Square, night. Cartman has left his usual friends and is talking to a group of other boys from his class: Bradley, Jason, Butters, Fosse, Dog Poo, and Bill]
Cartman:So then he grabs my throat, right? And he slams my head into a tree! And then he screams, "I'll smash your teath in!" My head is all like gashed open.
Butters:Kyle did that? Gee whiz...
Cartman:I'm telling you guys, he's getting worse. The Jersey in Kyle is coming out. I don't see any other choice. We have to kidnap Kyle and lock him in the meat freezer at Sizzler. [Kyle is cleaning his rifle nearby and lifts his head to see what the other boys are doing] Hey Kyle. Sup? Kind of nice out tonight, huh? [Kyle returns to cleaning his rifle. Cartman then moves to the opposite side of the circle] He has to be put away, and he has to be put away now!
Butters:Are you being serious?
Cartman:This is very serious, Butters.
Butters:Yeah, but lockin' Kyle in a meat freezer? I mean, he could die.
Cartman:Well if he does, too bad! Did you see the scratch on my head?! [Kyle looks up again. Cartman notices and turns to look back at him] Hey Kyle [stretches] Uuhhhh. Dude, do you smell raspberries. I smell raspberries. Ho? Huh. [turns around and goes into a low voice] We need to do this now. At some point he might start suspecting something's up.
[Al Qaeda headquarters in the caves of Afghanistan. Al Qaeda members go about their business]
Operative:[walks up to bin Laden with a package] Istagia makuman? [bin Laden turns around and takes the package, which is a video tape. He puts it into a tape player and watches the video. Randy pops up onscreen]
Randy:Hello Mr. bin Laden. My name is Randy, and I'm a geologist in America. I know that... America isn't your favorite place in the world, but gosh darnit we need yuor help. As you may know, we are trying to stop our entire country from becoming New Jersey. I believe that if we do not succeed, Jersey will spread to Japan, Russia, and eventually, to you. I know you have seen countless horrors in your lifetime, Mr. bin Laden, and that you have witnesses the very worst of mankind. Well now I ask you to watch this... [Jersey Shore's OP begins to play]
Snooki:Neaaaaaah! Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.
[Sizzler, night time. Cartman climbs into the restaurant through a window]
Cartman:Come on you guys, hurry!
Stan:[climbs in behind him] Cartman, what the hell are we doing at Sizzler?
Cartman:I told you guys, you're not gonna believe it. It's a miracle!
Kenny:[climbs in behind Stan] (What kind of fuckin' miracle?!) [Kyle climbs in last]
Cartman:[leads them to a spot] Jesus answered our prayers, you guys. It's so keeewl. [stops] It's right there in the meat locker. Kyle, go check it out.
Kyle:[looks at Cartman for a few seconds] Why?
Cartman:Dude, go see why. It's a Jesus miracle!
Kyle:You just wanna lock me in there because you think I'm one of them.
Cartman:Nuh uh. Seriously, nuh uh.
Kyle:I'm not going in any meat locker so you can trap me!
Cartman:Trap you? No no Kyle, it's actually - lights! [the lights go on and the fourth graders Cartman was talking to earlier pop into view] Haha, it's a trap, Kyle! Get him to the meat locker! [the group of six come up and take Kyle away]
Stan:Dude, what are you doing?
Cartman:[stops Stan and Kenny in their tracks] Back away guys, this is for the safety of all of us. [rushes up to the freezer door]/i> Sorry Kyle, but you can't be trusted.
Kyle:Alright, fine, Cartman! You really want me to go in there, I'll- [his expression changes quickly] Dude, Cartman, what is that behind you?
Cartman:Kyle, do we really have to resort to that?!
Kyle:No I I'm serious. What is that, behind you?
Cartman:You ginger Jersey Jew! [Snooki rises up behind him] Your tactics don't work on me!
Snooki:Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.
Cartman:[looks over his shoulder, then looks back at the other boys] Dude, what the fuck is that thing behind me?
[South Park Square, night. Steve runs up to Garrison behind the barricade]
Steve:Garrison, I think the Jersey people are advancing. Where's Randy?
Mr. Garrison:He's still questioning that new prisoner.
[nearby, Randy has a Jersey man strapped onto a chair]
Randy:Alright Mr. Situation, we'll try this again! Why are you people doing this?!
The Situation:Well I told you, it's uh just a Jersey thing. [Randy punches him hard on the left cheek]
Randy:What does that mean?!
The Situation:You just don't understand. It's uh it's just, just a Jersey thing. [Randy punches him again, kicks him with the left foot, punches him with the left hand, kicks him on the side of his head with the right foot]
Randy:Stop playing stupid!
Jimbo:Maybe he really is stupid, Randy.
Randy:[shoots back at Jimbo] Nobody's this stupid! [turns to The Situation again] What are you people planning?!
The Situation:It's just a Jersey thing, you know? Ya, ya just gotta be from Jersey to get it. [Randy punches him again with the left hand, kicks him with the left foot, delivers a roundhouse kick with the right foot, flips over him and kicks him on the back of the head]
Gerald:[keeping a lookout atop the barricade] Here they come! [the adults get into position]
Sharon:Is it them, Randy?
Randy:Yup. They're from Jersey alright.
Jersey Man:There's no queefing in this town!
Jersey Woman:[to another woman] Don't you talk about my family!
Randy:This is where we make our stand! South Park will never be West Jersey! [some people cheer]
Randy:Fuck New Jersey! [some people cheer and begin firing. The advancing Jersey folk begin to fall one by one] Keep shooting! We're sick of you, Jersey!
[Sizzler, night. Screams of children are now heard. Snooki is now raping Dog Poo]
Dog Poo:Uuugh! Uuugh! Get it off of me!! Get it off of me!!
Snooki:Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.
Stan:[tries to get out, but finds the doors locked] Try to find a way past it!
Cartman:What does it want?!
Butters:Sounds like it wants smoosh smoosh.
Snooki:[leaves Dog Poo, reaches Cartman, and starts raping him from behind] Smoosh smoosh. Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.
Cartman:Nooo! You guys, it's raping me! It's raping me!!
Stan:Iesis Christ, what the hell do we do??
Kyle:Oh God. [gets a headache and walks away, then falls on all fours] Wuuuh. Aaaahh. Get out of here!
Stan:[flatly] Why? [Kyle coninues writhing and throws his hat away]
Kyle:Agggh! Agggh! [pulls out a tube of gel and puts some on his left hand] Nooo! [quickly greases up his hair, takes off his jacket, scratches his arms, puts on a necklace, combs his hair, puts on rings on his left hand, and writes Kyley-B on his T-shirt]
Stan:Dude...
Kyle:[approaches Snooki] Get out of here, you piece of gahbage! You wanna smoosh, go grip it somewheres else!
Snooki:Snooki just uh, smoosh in the, the tenth-
Kyle:You're garbage! You know that?! You're cabbage! [Snooki babbles and says her name] You've got cabbage in your muff! [Snooki continues babbling] You've got cabbage in your fuckin' muff! [Snooki continues babbling and Kyle finally fells her with a left hook. Snooki cries and escapes through a window. Cartman sobs a bit and puts his pants up]
Cartman:Thank you Kyle.
[Back at the barricade, Jimbo searches for more ammunition]
Jimbo:That's the last of it! We're out of ammo!
Randy:Then we've got to start falling back to Utah!
Stuart:What's the point? Can't you see it's over? [the sound of roaring jets is heard and grows louder]
Jimbo:Who is that?? [thirteen planes appear over the horizon]
Randy:It's Al Qaeda! [cheers go up from the crowd. An Al Qaeda pilot salutes from his cockpit. Soon they're diving their planes into the Jersey crowd and killing the Jersey folk] Give 'em hell, Al Qaeda!! i>[More cheers go up from the crowd]
[Park County Community Center, day]
Randy:On a cold October night, a small town in Colorado stood up to New Jersey and finally said, "Go away!" Our fortitude was the inspiration for others and now, New Jersey is slowly receding back... to the desolate land from which it came. Our country's getting back to normal, and we owe it all... to Osama bin Laden. [bin Laden is shown seated on a chair. Chhers go up and Randy places a glrland on him, and kisses him on the cheek]
Stan:Well Kyle, looks like you're totally back to normal.
Kyle:Yeah. The more distance between me and the others from Jersay, the better I feel.
Cartman:Yeah, but you still have it in you. You saved my life, Kyle. Deep down inside, you're a monster. But you're my little monster.
Stan:I just have one question, Kyle. At Sizzler when you were yelling "muff cabbage," what's muff cabbage?
Kyle:It's a... uh it's a Jersey thing.
Randy:ON this day let us all remember that no people on this earth are really enemies, only folks... with differences. [a paratrooper descends from the rafters and quickly kills bin Laden with one shot]
Paratrooper:[to his pilot] Tango is down, tango is down.
Randy:We got 'im!!
[End of It's A Jersey Thing.]