Cartman / Coon
Stan / Toolshed
TupperWear (Token)
Professor Chaos (Butters)
Iron Maiden (Timmy)
Mint Berry Crunch (???)
Mosquito (???)
Mysterion (???)
The Human Kite (???)
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Liane Cartman
Tony Hayward
BP Rig Men
DP Executives
Captain Hindsight and his Butler
Cajun Shrimper
Police Commissioner
Fire Captain and Crew
Officers
Rescuers
Reporters
Man
Woman
| [Cartman's basemen- I mean, The Coon's Secret Base, day. A tapestry there now says "COON aND FRiEndS." The camera pans down to show the Coon with seven new superhero friends] | |
| Coon: | My fellow heroes, tonight I stopped three murders from happening. [begins pacing back and forth] I don't know why, but we're seeing a huge trend in crime. We have to find out the source of this evil. Something big is about to happen, and it is up to Coon and friends to stop it. [Stan raises his hand] Yes, Toolshed. |
| Toolshed: | Why do we have to be called "Coon and friends"? |
| Cartman: | [stops] ...What? |
| Toolshed: | We all fight crime together. How come we're just your "friends"? |
| T: | [steps forward] Yeah. We wanna be called "The Extreme Avenger League." |
| All: | Yeah! |
| Two new heroes: | That's right. |
| Toolshed, Mysterion: | Extreme Avenger League. |
| Coon: | I told you, TupperWear, Extreme Avenger League doesn't work. |
| TupperWear: | Why not? |
| Coon: | It's confusing! The Coon is a brand people already know. |
| Mosquito: | Why can't it be Mosquito and friends? |
| Coon: | Nobody's fucking heard of you, Mosquito! |
| Mosquito: | Uh, so? |
| Coon: | [paces again] So guys, we need to find out what's causing the crime wave in this city. [stops] Mysterion, you and the Human Kite get on the computer and dig up what you can. TupperWear and Mosquito, scan the news. Toolshed, you run a perimeter check with Iron Maiden. |
| Iron Maiden: | Timmeh! |
| Coon: | Let's work, people! [the other heroes begin to leave, but Coon holds one back] Uh, Mint Berry Crunch, could I have a quick word with you in the debriefing chamber? [takes Mint Berry Crunch to a corner of the secret base, sits behind a desk and sighs] Okay, ummm, I really enjoy having you be a part of Coon and Friends and I certainly appreciate your on-time paying of dues and fees; it's just... I don't... I'm not getting your deal. I mean, exactly whas is Mint Berry Crunch supposed to mean? [Mint Berry Crunch's jaw drops] I I get that you're half man and half berry, and that you're... crunchy with some mint, but... to be a part of Coon and Friends, you have to have a clear and more... superhero kind of identity. [Mint Berry Crunch just looks at himself, then back at Coom] Mint Berry Crunch, ummm, I'm just wondering if... maybe you need to add something else to the Mint Berry Crunch part of your costume. |
| Mint Berry Crunch: | [loks at himself again] Like milk? |
| Coon: | [annoyed] No, not like milk! You see, I really think we're on different pages here, Mint Berry Crunch! It's like you don't even- [an alarm sounds] |
| Alarm: | Coon and friends alert. Coon and friends alert. |
| Coon: | Uh oh! [quickly leaves his chair. The superheroes meet up again in front of a big monitor, which is receiving video in Coon-O-Vision.] What's the alert, Mosquito? |
| Mosquito: | There's like a big fire or something in town. |
| Coon: | What? A fire? Coon volume up! [grabs the remote and clicks the up arrow for volume] |
| News 4 Reporter: | There's thought to be at least twenty people trapped inside the apartment building, and firefighters are having no luck. |
| Coon: | My God, this is what we've been waiting for! Coon and friends, let's head out! |
| Coon's Friends: | Let's do it! Yeah! Let's go! [they begin to head out, but Cartman stops Mint Berry Crunch again] |
| Coon: | Yeah, uhh, Mint Berry Crunch, why don't you stay here and mind the base, okay? Kewl. [Mint Berry Crunch stays behind as the others leave] |
| [Cartman's house, moments later. The boys come out of the basement] | |
| Coon: | We've got to get downtown fast, Coon friends! [walks up to Liane, who's sitting on the sofa reading a book, and stops] Mom, you've gotta drive us downtown! |
| Liane: | Ohh, it's a little late, sweetie. Why don't you boys just keep playing downstairs? |
| Coon: | Mom, you're the Coon's faithful butler! I wanna go downtown now! |
| Liane: | Well, all right. [puts down her book and blanket] I guess I can get some groceries anyway. [rises and leads the boys out to the car] |
| [Liane's car, moments later] | |
| Coon: | Into the Coon Mobile, everyone! Let's just hope we get there in time! [everyone gets in] |
| Liane: | All right, are you little munchkins buckled up for safety? |
| Coon: | Mom, don't talk to us like that! We're fucking superheroes! |
| Liane: | [bangs the center armrest with her right fist] Eric, what have we talked about with that language?! One more time and I'm not taking you anywhere! |
| Coon: | [under his breath] Oh... I'm sorry Mom, can we go please? [Liane starts the car, and under his breath Coon says] Unbelievable! [crosses his arms] |
| [Downtown. Fire trucks are everywhere and a few hoses fight the fire. Police are also present] | |
| Fireman: | We tried gettin' in through the back; it was no good! |
| Fire Captain: | Those people are gonna die if we don't do something! |
| Liane: | [pulls up] Oh my goodness, it's a fire. [the boys leave the car] |
| Coon: | Come on, Coon friends! |
| Liane: | No- [gets out of the car] Eric, stay in the car, sweetie! |
| Fire Captain: | Can we try a helicopter? |
| Fireman: | The winds are too high. The chopper would burn in minutes. [Coon and friends walk up next to the firemen] |
| Coon: | All right, what seems to be the problem? |
| Fire Captain: | Get back, kids. It isn't safe. |
| Liane: | [walks around looking for Cartman] Eric, poopsie? |
| Coon: | Whatever's happening, you need help from the Coon! |
| Mosquito: | And friends! |
| Fire Captain: | Keep those chldren back, Thompson! [the captain steps aside and Thompson move close. Liane finds the boys and walks up to them] |
| Coon: | Please sir, you must let us- |
| Liane: | Sweetie, let the nice firement do their job. |
| Coon: | Shut! Up! Mom! God! |
| Officer: | Wait. Look! Up in the sky! |
| Fireman: | It's him! My God, it's really him! |
| Fire Captain: | He's come to help us. Captain Hindsight! [in the distance a superhero flies towards the town. He's wearing red and yellow tights and a black cope with a blue eye on it - looking behind] |
| Stan: | Who's Captain Hindsight? |
| Announcer: | Captain Hindsight, the hero of the modern age. [a series of comic book pictures follows] Once known as Jack Brolin, a reporter for the national news, the hero was born when a freak accident gave him the amazing power of extraordinary hindsight. From toxic spills to unjust wars there is no task too large for... Captain Hindsight! [the hero descends and lands next to the firemen] |
| Fire Captain: | Captain Hindsight, thank God you've come! |
| Captain Hindsight: | What's the skinny? |
| Fureman: | There's people trapped in that burning bulding, Captain Hindsight. And the fire is so massive we can't get to them. |
| Captain Hindsight: | Hmmm... You see those windows on the right side? They should have built fire escapes on those windows for the higher floors, then people could have gotten down. And then on the roof: they should have built it with a more reinforce structure, so a helicopter could have landed on it. |
| Fireman: | Yes, of course. |
| Captain Hindsight: | And then you see that building to the left? |
| Fire Captain: | Yes. |
| Captain Hindsight: | They shouldn't have built that there. Because now you can't park any fire trucks where you really need to. [stands up tall] Well, looks like my job here is done. Goodbye everyone! [takes off] |
| Fireman: | Thank you, Captain Hindsight! |
| Officer: | Thank youuu! |
| Fire Captain: | All right everyone, I guess that's it. Let's pack it up. [the firemen and officers quickly pack up and leave, but the building keeps burning. Coon and friends can only watch as trapped residents scream.] |
| [The Marsh house, dinner time. The family is eating quietly] | |
| Randy: | Wugh. Boy, did you hear about that fire downtown, Sharon? |
| Sharon: | Oh my gosh, yes! They said like 14 people died. |
| Randy: | It's just ridiculous to me that they didn't build fire escapes on those upper floors! Ridiculous! |
| Sharon: | Oh I know, and if you ask me, they should've built a roof with enough support to land a helicopter. |
| Randy: | I mean hello! |
| Stan: | Hey you guys are just repeating what that hindsight guy said. |
| Randy: | Why yes, Stan. Captain Hindsight is our protector and guardian. We're just thankful he was there for that fire. And now we can all eat in peace. [an alarm sounds] |
| Alarm: | Coon and friends alert. Coon and friends alert. [they look around for the source of the alarm, then get up and enter the living room] |
| Randy: | What the hell is that? [they stop in front of the alarm] Who put that there? |
| Alarm: | Alert. Seriously. All Coon friends to base. Alert, you guys. I'm seriously. |
| Stan: | [backs up towards the stairs] Mom, Dad? I I finished dinner. Can I go up to my room? |
| Sharon: | Well sure, Stan. [Stan goes upstairs] Wha- How did that thing get there, Randy? |
| Randy: | I don't know. |
| Sharon: | Well take it down. It's noisy. |
| Randy: | I cab't. I don't know what happened to all my tools. [the alarm stays on as they look at each other in wonder.] |
| [The Coon's Secret Base, day. Toolshed enters the basement and makes sure his drill is working] | |
| Coon: | Alright, Toolshed is here. We can start. |
| Toolshed: | Dude, who said you could put a big siren in my parents' house? |
| Mosquito: | Yeah, I almost got in trouble for it. |
| Coon: | The Coon must be able to signal his friends when a huge catastrophe breaks out. |
| TupperWear: | So what's the huge catastrophe? |
| Coon: | What's the huge-? Did you guys not see that Captain Hindsight guy?! |
| The Human Kite: | Yeah, so? |
| Coon: | So there's a big superhero out there doing stuff on his own and he's NOT part of Coon and Friends! |
| Toolshed: | Oh Jesus... |
| Coon: | [walks up to a hidden computer, which is actually a prop] I've looked into it and this Captain Hindsight is everywhere. He's liek some freelance butthole scab. We need to make him join us! |
| Professor Chaos: | Hey fellas? [the boys turn to see him] Fellas, could you let me out please? It uh it's been like six days. [he's in the Coon's holding cell, with a light outside by which he could see.] |
| Coon: | You aren't going anywhere, Chaos! |
| Professor Chaos: | Yeah, but uh, but uh youuu, but you only gave me this bucket to poop in and it's full now. [pulls the bucket into view] And I ain't got nothin' to eat. |
| Coon: | You've got poop, don'tcha? [goes back to the other boys] Now the question is, how are we gonna get Captain Hindsight to join Coon and Friends? |
| Mysterion: | Who cares if a hero doesn't want to be part of Coon and Friends? |
| Coon: | I CARE! |
| Mysterion: | Look, all we need to do is wait for the next disaster, then try to beat Hindsight to the scene. |
| Coon: | There's not gonna be any worse disaster. What could possibly be worse than a fire that killed fourteen people?! |
| [Marine Sanctuary, day. A pelican rests on a sign at the end of a string of bouys. It takes off as a huge freighter floats by and breaks the string in two. It's a BP Oil ship] | |
| BP Man 1: | All roight, this looks like a jolly good place. |
| BP Man 2: | Yes. Let's let her rip. [a crane operator pulls some levers, releasing a cable which emable a giant drill to descend into the water. The drill hits the sea bottom and all the marine animals there scatter.] |
| BP Man 3: | That's it, lads. Collect that oil! [the drill hits some rock and shakes from the impact] |
| BP Man 4: | Uh oh! [oil begins to ooze out of the hole into the ocean. It quickly reahces the surface and lots of dead fish pop up immediately] Oh diah. |
| BP Man 3: | Oh, don't tell me we did it again? |
| [The McCormick house, night. Stuart and his wife are in bed asleep; their bedroom window is open. An alarm goes off and they jump out of bed, frightened] | |
| Alarm: | Coon and friends alert. Coon and friends alert. [they exit the room and see the alarm in the hallway] All Coon friends report to base. I'm so seriously. Emergency. Coon and friends alert. [Kenny appears and is ready to go. He turns away and is carrying a small back pack over his right shoulder. He goes to a far window and gets out of the house that way] |
| [The Coon's Secret Base. The Human Kite, Mysterion, Mint Berry Crunch, and Mosquito enter it and come down the stairs] | |
| Coon: | Good, you're all here. Take a look at this. Coon volume up! [raises the volume. On screen is the BP oil spill] |
| [The Gulf, in Coon-O-Vision] | |
| Gulf Spill Reporter 1: | It's a scene of utter dispair and catastrophe. Oil from the ocean is spill out out of control, and the rescue effort seems futile. |
| Man: | It's horrible. We can't stop the oil from conteminatin' everythuing. |
| Woman: | Our home is covered in sludge. Where are we supposed to go? |
| Cajun Shrimper: | Git a lookie on mah scrimp heuh! Might as give ya the best scrimp this side of Louisiana and now down tuh where we all got up in our scrimp, and it ain't worth a slimy noob it ain't sold on. There, now lookit all the url on mah scrimp! |
| [Coon Secret Base] | |
| Mysterion: | My God! Another oil spill could mean absolute devastation for the Gulf! |
| The Human Kite: | We'be got to help those people! |
| Coon: | Yes. This is definitely a job for Coon and friends. |
| Mint Berry Crunch: | Let's pack the Gulf full of flavor! [Cartman looks at him in disbelief] |
| [The Gulf. As rescuers clean up as best they can, one of them looks up in the sky] | |
| Rescuer 1: | [a woman] Wait a minute. Look! It's Captain Hindsight! [Captain Hindsight flies towardds the rescuers and they begin cheering] |
| Coon: | Oh no! |
| Captain Hindsight: | What seems to be the problem? |
| Rescuer 2: | It's that BP Oil rig, Captain Hindsight. It drilled into a marine sanctuary and the environment is being poisoned. |
| Rescuer 3: | If we can't stop it, the spill could reach New Orleans. |
| Captain Hindsight: | [thinks] Hmm... All right. You see where that rig is drilling? |
| Rescuer 3: | Yes. |
| Captain Hindsight: | It's in too deep of water. They shouldn't have drilled in that deep of water, because now they can't get machines deep enough to fix the spill! |
| Rescuer 2: | Aha! |
| Rescuer 4: | Yesss, YESSS. |
| Captain Hindsight: | Now, if it's a valve that ruptured, then what they should have done is installed the backup valve in case that valve broke. |
| Rescuer 2: | I believe they did install a backup safety valve, Captain Hindsight |
| Captain Hindsight: | [thinks] Hmmm... Right. Then they should have had a backup safety valve to that backup safety valve! |
| Rescuer 5: | My God, he's right! |
| Captain Hindsight: | My work here is done! I'm off to fine others in need! |
| Rescuer 4: | God bless you, Captain Hindsight! God bless you!! |
| [Coon Secret Base] | |
| Coon: | God-damnit! We have GOT to get that guy into Coon and Friends! |
| [Jack Brolin's mansion, day. Cartman, dressed in a business suit, rings the bell by the front door] | |
| Butler: | [answering the door] Can I help you? |
| Cartman: | I understand this is where Captain Hindsight lives? |
| Butler: | Yes? |
| Cartman: | I need to speak with him, please. |
| Butler: | The captain is very busy dealing with the Gulf oil crisis. |
| Cartman: | I believe I have something that can help him deal with that oil crisis, sir. |
| Butler: | Mr. Hindsight, sir. [Hindsight sits behind his desk looking at three monitors with 12 screens each. He turns around at the mention of his name] This young man would like a word. |
| Captain Hindsight: | Please, sit down. What can I do for you? |
| Cartman: | Mr. Hindsight, I represent some very high-profile people, [sets his breifcase on the table and opens it] and I've been asked to give you some really exciting news. [takes out an application to join Coon and Friends and hands it to Hindsight] You, have been pre-approved to become the newest member, of Coon and Friends. |
| Captain Hindsight: | [takes the application] Of what? |
| Cartman: | I know the Coon personally, and I can tell you, being a Coon friend is the very highest honor. As you can see in those papers, your first three months of dues have actually been waived. This must be amazingly esciting for you. |
| Gulf Officer: | [from one of the 36 screens] Captain Hindsight? Captain Hindsight, please come in! [Hindsight walks over to see what the matter is] |
| Captain Hindsight: | Go ahead. |
| Gulf Officer: | The oil keeps coming out! We've got other rigs now catching fire! |
| Captain Hindsight: | Listen! They should have hosed down the other rigs as soon as the spill began, and that wouldn't have happened. |
| Gulf Officer: | Right. [salutes] Thank you! [Hindsight salutes back. Another screen comes on to his right] |
| Gulf Fireman: | Captain Hindsight! The dolphins that those volunteers cleaned of oil, theh, they're all dying! |
| Captain Hindsight: | Get down to the volunteers and tell them they should have used a non-bleaching cleanser! Commissioner! |
| Gulf Commissioner: | Yes? |
| Captain Hindsight: | Tell Brett Favre he should have never sent actual pictures of his schlong! [the screen the commissioner was on switches over to Santa Monica Pier as Hindsight shows his fatigue] It's not a blessing, it's a curse. |
| Cartman: | .[waits a few seconds, then] ..So, anyway, if you wanna just start filling out the form, we'll get you enrolled in Coon and Friends right away. |
| Captain Hindsight: | Look, I'm sorry kid, but I work alone. |
| Cartman: | Well, see, the problem with that is there's a superhero union called Coon and Friends. But if you refuse to be a part of that union. you aer a SCAB! |
| Captain Hindsight: | Get this kid out of here! I have to think! |
| Cartman: | [gathers the form and puts it back in the briefcase] Fine! You'll be hearing from my lawy- the Coon's lawyer, sir! [walks away] |
| [BP Crisis special report] | |
| Anchor Man: | The BP Oil spill in the Guld continues to get worse every day. As public anger twaards tje BP Company grows, their president released this statement: |
| [A BP oil rig] | |
| Tony Hayward: | [a soft acousting guitar begins to play] Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, president and CEO of BP. Our accidental drilling spill again in the Gulf us a tragedy that should have never happemed. And to all those affected, I want to say, we are deeply sorry. [switch to camera 2 to his left, and he turns to look at it] We're sorry. [on the tundra dressed in winter gear, stroking a baby polar bear] We're sorry. [in th ekitchen with an apron on, taking a tray of chocolate chip cookies from the over] We're sorry. [skis towards the camera and stops] Sorry. [back on the oil rig] BP has taken full responsibility for cleaning up this spill in the Gulf, and in doing so, we've changed our name from Beyond Petroleum, to Dependable Petroluem. [a shot of the Earth and Moon in an interesting configuration. The Earth has two drills attached to it, the Moon gets a third drill] We no longer fuck the earth, we DP it. |
| [Coon Secret Base. The Coon has his friends gathered around his Coon table. "QUIET. COON-FERENCE IN SESSION"] | |
| Coon: | Gentlemen, my attempts to recruit Captain Hindsight into Coon and Friends have been unsuccessful, but I believe I've come up with a solution. Coon Vision on! [a projector screen is shown, as is the projector on the table. Pictures begin to appear on screen] All we need to do is get pictures of Captain Hindsight naked with Courtney Love. Then we'll tell him if he doesnt't join us, we'll put them on the Internet. |
| Toolshed: | How do we get pictures of him naked with Courtney Love? |
| Coon: | Simple, Toolshed. Coon slide 2? [the next slide clicks into place] We dress Professor Chaos up as Courtney Love, take pictures of him naked with a homeless guy, then photoshop Hindsight's face onto it. |
| Professor Chaos: | Me?? Awww, come on, fellas, don't make me be Courtney Love. |
| Coon: | Gotta get to work fast, people! Coon and friends, ho! |
| Mosquito: | ...You want us to take naked pictures of Butters to use as blackmail? That doesn't sound very superhero-like. |
| Coon: | That's because you think small, Mosquito! You have a tiny little mosquito brain, that'w why you don't come up with the plan! |
| Mosquito: | Nono, look. what's going on down in the Gulf is much more important than blackmailing another hero. |
| Mysterion: | Agreed. |
| Coon: | Oh who cares about some oil spill environment crap?! |
| Toolshed: | Mosquito has a good plan, Cartman! Hear him out! |
| Coon: | You don't know that I'm Cartman because my true identity is secret! |
| Mysterion: | We all have a say in this organization, Coon! Let Mosquito talk! |
| Coon: | [grudgingly] All right, Mosquito, how do you wanna help people suffering in the Gulf crisis? [crosses his arms] |
| Mosquito: | I think we should help raise money for the relief aid by having a bake sale. |
| Coon: | [challening] A bake sale? |
| Mosquito: | I have a recipe for lemon bars from my mom. We could wear our costumes outside the grocery store and sell lemon bars. which would be a good deed, and help people. |
| Coon: | We're superheroes, not the fucking Girl Scouts! |
| Mysterion: | Those peopel down there need help! Sometimes being a hero means helping in smaller ways. |
| Iron Maiden: | Timmeh! |
| Coon: | [challenging] You think selling lemon bars is helpful to mankind? |
| Mint Berry Crunch: | More helpful than taking naked pictures of Butters. |
| Coon: | Shut up, Mint Berry Crunch! You aren't even anything! |
| Mosquito: | And that's another thing: no more picking on Mint Berry Crunch! |
| Coon: | Oh, what are you, the boss now?! |
| Mosquito: | No, but we are all equal! From now on, we vote! Who wants to go with my plan? [everybody but Coon raises a hand. The Iron Maiden lifts a sword, and Coon doesn't believe the vote] |
| Coon: | [crosses his arms again] Sounds awesome. Let's do it. |
| Toolshed: | To the grocery store! |
| [A street in the neighborhood. Coon leads his friends down the street. A classical piece plays as the boys are shown in slow motion.] | |
| Coon: | [thinking] As we walked along the road to the grocery store, my Coon sense started tingling. Something was wrong. Very wrong. I've learned to trust my Coon sense. It has always been my guide. And so I knew I must act. A coon must know when to defend itself. [Coon turns to his right and high-kicks Mospuito on the cheek. Mosquito goes up in the air and bounces on the road. Coon kicks him in the balls and leaps at him, and grins. Coon spreads his claws out and slashes Mosquito on the left temple. Mint Berry Crunch moves to intervene while Coon continues to rake Mosquito across the face. Coon notices Mint Berry Crunch coming to Mosquito's aid and slashes him too.] |
| [A restauant, later. Coon and his friends are seated around a large table. Mosquito and Mint Berry Crunch are battered and bruised. Mosquito's vuvuzela snout is crimped] | |
| Coon: | [after a while] Well, now we're back to normal. [smiles] Just like before and all forgotten? Right right? |
| Mint Berry Crunch: | Right right. |
| Mosquito: | Right. |
| Coon: | Keewwwl! So what's next for Coon and friends? [no one says a word, and Coon takes a sip of his chocolate shake] |
| [Another BP Crisis special report] | |
| Anchor Man: | Another crisis in the Gulf of Mexico as the oil company DP has once again made a huge error. [a glowing plasma seeps out of a big hole while strange creatures float and walk out of there] This time, the oil company has accidentally ripped a hole into another dimension. [beachgoers run for their lives as a many-mouthed three-legged creature lumbers by. A flying creature crops down on a woman, scoops her up in its tentacles, and rips her in two at the waist. Other winged creatures swoop in and abduct other beachgoers. Different creatures walk by the pier and scoop up visitors there, then drop them into open mouths that look like Venus fly traps] The oil company stated that it knew a portal to another dimension was there, but didn't think drilling into it would prove problematic. [two men are fishing when another creature pops up and eats them] Now hundreds of creatures from another dimension are spilling out into our reality and wreaking havoc. [a giant starfish creature sits on the pier floor when a man gets curious and pets it. It snaps shut, leaving him headless. Everyone else jumps back and a woman screams] |
| [Hayward's BP oil rig] | |
| Tony Hayward: | [a soft acousting guitar begins to play] Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, CEO of DP. Tearing a hole into another dimension is a tragedy that should have never happened. And as CEO, I would like to say... We're sorry. [sitting in an armchair by the fireplace stroking a sleeping lap dog] We're sorry. [sitting in a prairie holding a dandelion] We're sorry. [blows the seeds off the dandelion stem. Next, he's in bed looking at the ceiling somewhat seductively] Sohr-ry. |
| [Jack Brolin's mansion, day. Captain Hindsight is at his desk looking glum.] | |
| Butler: | [appears] Captain Hindsight! Sir! Calls for help are pouring in! You've got to get out to the Gulf! |
| Captain Hindsight: | I can't help anyone right now! Something came up. |
| Butler: | What, sir? You know you can tell me. |
| Captain Hindsight: | Do you remember last week when I... got really really drunk? |
| Butler: | Yes sir. |
| Captain Hindsight: | Look at those photos on the desk. [the butler walks up to the desk and looks at the photos. The first one is Butters as Courtney Love posing for the camera and the homeless man standing on a stool behind him naked, with Hindsight's face photoshopped onto him. Next, it's Butters on the stool with the homeless man standing behind him. Next, it's Butters posing for the camera and standing on the homeless man's back] |
| Butler: | My God, is that you and... Courtney Love? |
| Captain Hindsight: | 'Course it's Courtney Love! |
| Butler: | But when did you have a- |
| Captain Hindsight: | I don't remember! That's just the point! I get drunk, I don't remember things! I shouldn't have drank that much, and I shouldn't have mixed alcohol! Alcohol should be illiegal! Oh it's maddening! |
| Butler: | That doesn't matter now, sir! People are getting hurt in the Gulf and they need to know what they could've done! |
| Captain Hindsight: | I should have never kept that bottle of Macallan in the pantry! I should have never gotten around Courtney Love and a camera. I should- |
| Butler: | Sir! SIR! |
| [Another BP Crisis special report, continued] | |
| Gulf Spill Reporter 1: | Creatures from another dimension continue to wreak havoc in the Gulf, and the question everyone is asking is, "Where is Captain Hindsight?" |
| Rescuer 6: | Where are you, Captain Hindsight? |
| Cajun Shrimper: | Where are d'you countih ninety-oh bebbly now is showmesitchcum. |
| Gulf Spill Reporter 1: | With Captain Hindsight missing, what superheroes can save the Gulf now? |
| [Coon Secret Base. The Coon has his friends gathered around his Coon table. His smear campaign is a complete success] | |
| Coon: | My fellow superheroes, I have done it. Hindsight is taken care of. And now the country can finally be made aware of Coon and friends! |
| Toolshed: | There's more important things to discuss right now! |
| Coon: | Right, Toolshed. Now, how do we deal with these creatures from another dimension? |
| Mysterion: | He means we need to discuss things with you! |
| Coon: | Okay, what? |
| Mysterion: | Aw, I don't wanna tell him. TupperWear, you tell him! |
| TupperWear: | I don't wanna tell him either. |
| The Human Kite: | I'll tell him. Coon, I'm sorry, but we're kicking you out of Coon and Friends. |
| Coon: | You're kicking me out of Coon and Friends. |
| Toolshed: | We all voted, it was unanimous. |
| Coon: | You can't kick me out of Coon and Friends, I'm the fucking Coon! |
| The Human Kite: | Look, we just believe that you have your goals and ways of doing things and they conflict with what we want to accomplish. |
| Mysterion: | But we get the headquarters and all the equipment. |
| Coon: | You don't keep anything! This is my basement and I'll tell my mom on you guys! |
| Mysterion: | We've already discussed this with her. Mrs. Cartman? [she walks in and approaches Mysterion] |
| Liane: | Yes, Mysterion? |
| Mysterion: | Please escort the Coon out of our secret base. |
| Liane: | [takes Coon away from the table and up the stairs] Eric, I talked to you about beating up your friends, didn't I? |
| Coon: | Mom, what the fuck?! The fuck are you doing?! |
| [upstairs. Liane takes Coon out of the basement and locks the door. Coon tries to get back in, but can't] | |
| Liane: | Eric, you do not beat up your friends! And I told you I've [crosses her arms] had it with your language! Your punishment is that your friends will just play superheroes without you! Go to your room! |
| Coon: | [incredulous] You've gotta be fucking kidding me! |
| [The DP boardroom, day.] | |
| DP Executive 1: | Oh dear, we have certainly pooped our trousers this time! |
| Tony Hayward: | Yes, I'm afraid it's going to take more than another "I'm sorry" campaign to please everyone this time. |
| DP Executive 2: | Oh, what a right pickle we're in. [a flying creature floats up past the windows carrying a screaming man] |
| DP Executive 3: | There is no way to cut the dimensional portal, I'm afraid. The ocean currents and swells are simply too much to get any machines in. |
| Tony Hayward: | Wait a tick! [rises] Currents and swells, that's it! I think I know how to fix this! |
| DP Executive 4: | How, by Jove? |
| Tony Hayward: | We drill. |
| DP Executives: | Drill of course, yes, yes, of course. |
| Tony Hayward: | I believe that if we drill on the moon, changing its gravitational pull on our ocean swells, we could cut the dimensional spill. |
| DP Executive 5: | I don't quite get it. |
| Tony Hayward: | We got into this mess by drilling heuh [the Gulf of Mexico], and heuh [somewhere in Peru]. Now, we need to drill heuh! [draws a drill bit entering the moon] |
| DP Executive 6: | That looks extremely promising! |
| Tony Hayward: | Our environment should stabilize if it's getting drilled here, here, and here at the same time. |
| DP Executive 6: | The seismic forces will be massive. Do you think the moon can take it? |
| Tony Hayward: | [arms crossed] Oh, she'll take it. |
| [A launch pad, day. A DP rocket takes off] | |
| [The moon. DP's newest rig is now up and running as DP astronauts spread out from the rig. Nearby are the bodies of Willzy-x and Tom Cruise] | |
| Anchor Man: | The DP Oil Company today drilled into the moon and appears to have caused even greater problems. |
| Stan: | Uh oh, I think we'd better get back into our costumes again, guys. |
| [News 4 Breaking News: DP unleashes Cthulhu] | |
| Gulf Spill Reporter 2: | Tom, the DP Oil Company has had another drilling accident. [Cthulhu appears looming over the oil rig in the Gulf] This time they appear to have unleashed the dark and mighty Cthulhu. [Cthulhu swats a helicopter down with just a gentle wave of his right arm] The rise of Cthulhu from another dimension brings brings about three thousand years of darkness, Tom, where we will all be driven to madness and made to service Cthulhu's cult as slaves. The president of DP Oil released this press statement: |
| Tony Hayward: | [a soft acousting guitar begins to play. First, Hayward is at his ranch looking at some horses. He turns around and faces the camera] As president of DP Oil, I want to say... We're sorry. [in the bathroom shaving] I'm deeply sorry. [naked on a bear rug before a fireplace, his butt cheeks rosy-red] Sorry. |
| Reporter: | Cthulhu rahlyeh whatletu flahgen. Praise the dark Cthulhu, long may he reign. |
| Stan: | It's up to us, guys. Let's get to the Gulf! [the seven suit up and leave the house. Mysterion goes to the camera and covers it with his cape] |
| [Cartman's room, night. Cartman is dressed as the Coon and stands in the window looking out over the backyard] | |
| Coon: | [voice over] Darkness has taken over our town. The Coon and Friends have given in to evil. It's up to the Coon to stop them. [aloud] Asshoooles! [leaps down onto the yard] |
| [End of Coon 2: Hindsight.] |