Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
Betsy (RIP) and Roger Donovan
Stephen and Linda Stotch
Terrance & Phillip, with Ugly Bob
Sir John Harington's spirit
Jimmy Bonds's spirit
TSA Agent 1
TSA Agent 1
|[Clyde's backyard, day. Springtime is coming and the snow is thawing. The boys are playing football. Clyde has the ball as Stan runs across the yard to receive it]|
|Stan:||Throw it here! Throw it here! [Clyde throws the ball and Stan catches it] Yeheah, nice one, Clyde!|
|Betsy:||[from a second-floor window] Clyde! Clyde! Clyde, get up here! Hurry!! [Clyde runs in to see what's up. The other boys follow him in two seconds later]|
|[The bathroom. Betsy is standing by the toilet with her arms crossed and looking stern. Clyde walks into the bathroom while the other boys stop outside]|
|Betsy:||[uncrosses her arms and motions to the toilet with her left arm] What is that?!|
|Clyde:||[thinks a bit] ...A toilet?|
|Betsy:||That's right! It's a toilet, Clyde! And where is the toilet seat?! It's up! Because you left it up! Again! We've been through this countless times, Clyde!|
|Clyde:||Okay Mom, just not in front of my friends, okay?|
|Betsy:||No, not okay, because you aren't getting the message! What if I had fallen in?! Start listening to me! Put it down! [slower, for emphasis] Put it down! [Clyde goes to put the seat down, then Betsy leaves the room. She turn around] Thank you! [walks off. The other boys then walk into the bathroom]|
|Cartman:||[whistles] Oooo, that sucks, Clyde. A mom shouldn't be able to put rules on toilet time like that. Toilet time is the last bastion of Aemrican freedom.|
|Kyle:||Is your mom always like that, dude?|
|Clyde:||Look, could you guys just... not say anything about this at school, please?|
|Cartman:||'Course man. It's cool.|
|[South Park Elementary, day, Fourth Grade. Clyde is pissed that Cartman betrayed him, but holds his tongue]|
|Cartman:||"Clyde! Clyde! What have I told you about pissin' on the seat?!" And Clyde's all like, "Ohhh, okay Mom! Fuck, not in front of my friends!" [roars with laughter]|
|Butters:||Yeahahaha! [pounds his desk and goes into a hearty laugh]|
|Kyle:||[not amused] Cartman, it was actually really lame.|
|Cartman:||I know, right? Women are just jealous because they have to face outwards to pee and crap.|
|Butters:||[laughs, then catches himself] Wait a minute. You're supposed to poop in the toilet facin' out? [the other kids just look at him, and he looks at them individually] But I thought you sit on the toilet this way [turns around to face Bebe] so you have that nice little shelf for your comic book and your chocolate milk? Well 'cause then you got the flusher right here. [motions with his left hand] No? [quickly turns around and sits correctly] Oh jeez, that's embarassing.|
|Betsy:||[voice only, in the hall] Clyde?! Clyde! [enters the classroom in nightie, bathrobe and slippers] There you are!|
|Betsy:||Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant!|
|Betsy:||[arms akimbo, fists on hips] What have I told you about putting the toilet seat down, after you go to the bathroom?!|
|Clyde:||Mom, I'm in class.|
|Betsy:||[palms up ready to grip the air] How many times do I have to tell you, Clyde?! I was trying to get ready for work and the toilet seat was up! Again! [her husband comes up behind her]|
|Roger:||Betsy, come back home. It's just not that big a deal.|
|Betsy:||[looks back and shoots back] No Roger, it's a disgusting habit and I'm sick and tired of it! If I had sat down, I would have gotten toilet water all over my vagina!|
|Butters:||My grandma's from Virginia. [smiles]|
|Betsy:||You are coming home right now, Clyde, and you're putting the toilet seat down where it belongs! Let's go! [Clyde looks around in despair, then walks out hanging his head]|
|[Cartman's room, night. Cartman is eating Thwizlers and clipping his toenails as he talks to someone over the phone.]|
|Cartman:||Dude, I'm telling you, it was freakin' hysterical. Clyde had to get up in the middle of class and follow his mom home to put the toilet seat down! He was so embarassed dude I thought he was gonna die!|
|Kyle:||[on the other end] I know, fatass, I was there. [he left the dinner table to answer the phone, as his parents are eating in the dining room behind him]|
|Cartman:||And his mom, his mom goes, "Clyde, you're an asshole, and I got toilet water in my vaginjay!"|
|Kyle:||That's not what she said! You're putting extras on it again! It's not that funny!|
|Cartman:||I know dude, the bathroom's the last bastion of American freedom.|
|Kyle:||Don't you feel just a little bad for Clyde?|
|Cartman:||[thinks a moment] Uh uh.|
|Kyle:||Well you should. The poor guy shouldn't be screamed at for something that just isn't that big a deal at all. [he and his parents look up as fire sirens are heard down the street]|
|[The Donovan house, moments later. Police, fire, and ambulance are present as a long ladder is placed against the front wall to reach the second floor. The neighbors pour out of their homes and gather to see the situation.]|
|Kyle:||[approaches Stan and Kenny] What's goin' on?|
|Stan:||They're trying to save Clyde's mom.|
|Stan:||They're saying Clyde left the toilet seat up again.|
|[The Donovan house, bathroom. Betsy is tightly lodged in the toilet seat moaning horribly, and nothing she does can help her out of it. Clyde watches as three firefighters and a paramedics figure out what to do]|
|Firefighter 1:||Hang in there. You're gonna be fine, okay? Stay with me now. [the second fireman walks up to Roger]|
|Firefighter 2:||I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do.|
|Firefighter 2:||When she fell into the toilet she also made it flush [Clyde draws near to hear the conversation], and created a suction that's literally pulling out her insides.|
|Roger:||Can't we disconnect the toilet from the plumbing?!|
|Paramedic:||Yes, we'll have to but, if we do that, the change in pressure will rip out her organs.|
|Clyde:||But she's not gonna die, is she?|
|Firefighter 2:||[the tree men turn around] Why'd you leave the toilet seat up, son? [walks off with the paramedic]|
|Betsy:||[voice trembling] Clyde! Clyde! [Clyde walks back to the toilet] Clyde, I want you to know I don't blame you for this. We should have been h-h-harder on you all those times you left the toilet seat up.|
|Clyde:||Mom, I'm sorry.|
|Betsy:||Shh-shhhh. I don't have a lot of time, Clyde. Just please put the seat down from now on, for your sister's sake. Please, Oh, God, please. Let me go. Let me go. Do it. Do it! Do it! [Firefighter 3 turns off the water, which has a terrible effect on Betsy] Uh, uh, nooo, noo [her insides are sucked out even more and she dies stuck in the toilet], ugh!|
|[South Park Church, day. The church has gotten a major makeover. Father Maxi is seen walking off the altar as Stephen takes the podium.]|
|Stephen:||I'll always remember Betsy Donovan's kind nature more than anything. She always treated people with dignity and respect. [the casket is shown - Betsy is still in the toilet, but now dressed for the occasion. The dress has been modified to avoid the spots it can't fit through] What a tragedy she had to leave us so soon. But I'm sure Betsy is hoping her death will help women everywhere just take that extra second to look before they sit on a toilet. [Sharon and Sheila look at each other angrily in agreement]|
|Linda:||I'd like to say on behalf of the departed that it isn't a woman's responsibility to see that the seat is down [glares at Stephen], it's a man's responsibility to put it down. It's not that hard. [the women in the congregation clap]|
|Man 1:||[steps up and unfolds a note, sniffling]> Putting the toilet seat down isn't that hard, so is it too much to ask women to just look and put it down before they go ploppin' their butts blindly to the toilet bowl-
||Woman 1:||My God, people! This is a funeral! Please have some respect! There's a little boy here who has lost his mother! He'll never see her again! [Clyde is shown with his hands over his belly, dejected] Because he couldn't take that six tenths of a second to put the toilet seat down when he was done peeing! Now little Clyde's mother is dead, and the blood is on his penis. [organ music is played]
||[Cartman's house, next day or two. Two TSA agents walk up to the front door and one of them rings the doorbell. Inside, Cartman is watching Terrance and Phillip and eating cereal on the sofa]
||Terrance:||Crap. It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip
||Phillip:||Oh. Hello, Ugly Bob.
||Ugly Bob:||Hello Terrance, Hello Phillip. [the doorbell rings again]
||Cartman:||Mom, get the door! [Liane walks in from the dining room to answer the door]
||Terrance:||You look hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.
||Ugly Bob:||How come you guys say stuff like that?
||Phillip:||Because you're God-damend ugly-
||TSA Agent 1:||[with mustache] Hello ma'am, we're the the Toilet Safety Administration.
||TSA Agent 2:||After the recent tragedy, new safety regulations require us to check every toilet for security. Can we come in?
||Liane:||Uhhh, sure. [the agents walk in and head for the bathroom]
||Cartman:||Who are these buttholes?
||Liane:||It's the Toilet Safety Administration, hun. They're gonna do something to the potty.
||Cartman:||My potty? [sets his bowl down, stands up, and glances at the men] What are they gonna do to it?? [runs up to the bathroom] Hey. Hey, that's my bathroom!
||TSA Agent 1:||Oh yeah, we're we're gonna have to completely redo this, ma'am.
||TSA Agent 1:||[motions to the sink] You need to have this counter moved a minimum of six inches, but we'll go ahead and install your safety belt. [the second agent gives him the belt and then pulls out a drill]
||TSA Agent 2:||Federal law requires all toilets to be fitted with a safety harness so that nobody can fall in. [the first agent drills a couple of holes into the belt and left side of the tank cover, then attaches the latch behind the toilet on the right side.]
||Cartman:||Dude you can't make me wear a seat belt to take a dump!
||TSA Agent 2:||This is for your safety! A woman died, you know!
||Cartman:||Yeah, but the blood's on Clyde's wiener, not mine!
||[The law offices of Hoffman & Turk, day. Inside, Stan, Kyle, Clyde and Jimmy wait for the lawyer to address them]
||Kyle:||We are really worried about our friend Clyde. Everywhere he goes, people are telling him he has blood. On his wiener.
||Lawyer:||[standing, reading a file] Uh huh, go on.
||Stan:||We keep trying to tell him maybe this all isn't his fault. Maybe the people who made the toilet are to blame for what happened.
||Kyle:||So we were just wondering... if we could sue somebody.
||Lawyer:||[now sitting behind his deak] You can always sue somebody.
||Kyle:||All right! You see, Clyde? [smiles at him] Okay, we wanna help him sue whoever invented the toilet.
||Lawyer:||You got it! [goes onto his computer to look up the inventor] Here we go! Inventer of the toilet: Sir Thomas Harington. [that's not the name shown on the monitor] Kelston, England; died 1692.
||Kyle:||Oh. [glances at Stan] He's dead?
||Stan:||So then we can't sue him?
||Lawyer:||Why not? You can always sue somebody. It's just gonna take some... special protocol. We would have to perform... a sueance. [spooky music, lightning and thunder follow]
||Jimmy:||A- a- a- a- a sueance? [lightning and thunder follow]
||Lawyer:||You bet! Here at Hoffman & Turk we specialize in suing the dead. If you hire us, we'll work hard... for YOU! [points at the boys]
||Kyle:||You hear that, Clyde?? [grins and pats him on the back]
||Layer:||Now look! [rises and walks to the window as spooky music plays] I'll be asking all of you to have a very open mind and a willingness to face your fears. [lowers the blinds and closes them] I warn you boys: a sueance can be very... expensive.
||Lawyer:||How much do you have?
||Kyle:||Clyde got $3000 from his mon's life insurance.
||Lawyer:||Whoa. [spooky music plays] That's exactly how much a sueance costs. [dramatic pause]
||Jimmy:||Wow. That's weird.
||[The Marsh house, day, bathroom. Randy is on the toilet, pooping. He didn't strap himself in. A ladder goes up against the window and a police officer climbs up and raps on the window. This startles Randy, who realizes that he forgot to buckle up and tries to do so now]
||Randy:||Oh, damnit! [the officer raps some more. Randy lets go of the belt and opens the window. The officer leans in and checks out the toilet] Hey hey officer.
||Officer:||You're sitting in the toilet, you need to be wearing your safety belt, sir.
||Randy:||Yeah I know, I I had it on, I just took it off for a second to get the ah, to get to the ah-
||Officer:||The address here is 260 Avenue de los Mexicanos?
||Randy:||Oh come on, don't give me a ticket!
||Officer:||Gotta wear the safety belt, or you could fall in.
||Randy:||I'm not gonna fall in! [buckles up] I'm not a chick!
||Officer:||The law's the law, sir. [writes up a citation and hands it to him] You can pay this by mail or appear in court on that date. [pulls his head out of the window and climbs down the ladder] Have a good day, sir.
||Randy:||Yeah, thanks. [very softly] Asshole.
||Officer:||[quuickly up the ladder] You say something?
||Randy:||NO I'm talking to my- asshole. "Co-Come on, asshole! Let's get back to work." [the officer climbs back down the ladder again]
||[International House of Pancakes, day. A line of people are waiting to use the restroom. Cartman and Butters are at the end of the line. Butters is dancing, trying to keep from soiling himself]
||Cartman:||Ugh. This is unbelievable! Stupid Toilet Safety Administration! You can't even take a crap at IHOP without a 40-minute line!
||R. Booth:||Shoes off! Belts off! Sharp object go in the plastic tray!
||Customer:||This is inhumane.
||R. Booth:||Shut up! Sir.
||[Inside the bathroom two female TSA agents handle the customers. One of them gropes a woman's breasts]
||R. Wiley:||Takin' a dump today, ma'am?
||Woman 2:||Uh, no, just, need to pee.
||R. Wiley:||Alright I just need to check inside your aaasshole.
||Cartman:||[storms into the bathroom] Hey, how about you people speed it up in here! I'm about to crap my pants, and I demand access to the toilet RIGHT NOW!
||R. Wiley:||[the fat agent] Alright, do you mind if I touch your balls, sir? [the other agent is R. West]
||Cartman:||What?? Yes I mind! Do you mind if I touch your fuckin' balls?! [a toilet flushes and Gerald comes out of the stall]
||Gerald:||Okay, I'm done.
||R. Wiley:||[walks over to him] Alright sir, I just need to check inside your aaasshole. [makes him bend a bit and lowers his pants, then begins wiping his ass]
||Gerald:||I don't need you wiping my ass for me! I'm a grown man!
||R. Wiley:||Yes, you're a big boy, aren't you sir?
||Gerald:||Yeah I'm a BIG boy.
||R. Wiley:||That's a big boy, sir.
||Gerald:||I'm a BIG boy. I took a BIG boy poop.
||[The law offices of Hoffman & Turk, day. The lawyer has taken the boys to a darkened meeting room. The only light shining is a center light in a chandelier. He sets down two candles and a bowl, then lights the candles and begins to work]
||Lawyer:||All right, boys, sit down and clear your minds. [the boys are already seated, heh.] The sueance is about to begin. Doors and windows are locked. You boys have your five hundred in cash ready.
||Stan:||[holding five $100 bills] Yeah.
||Lawyer:||All right, and I've got this big bowl set here [moves the bowl around] to catch all the money we're about to make. Now, let us start. [takes hold of Clyde's left hand and Jimmy's right hand.] We call out to the land of the dead! Sir John Harington! Your presence is requested! Appear to us, John Harington! We have a subpoena!
||Jimmy:||Gee, it's not working.
||Lawyer:||John Harington! My client is due compensation for negligence! [the table begins to shake violently, and Stan and Kyle look amazed] What is your name, spirit?!
||Jimmy Bonds:||Bonds. Jimmy Bonds. What's it to ya? Who are you mugs?
||Lawyer:||[to the boys] That's how people talked in the past. [to the spirit] We have a claim against a John Harington! Do you know him, spirit?!
||Jimmy Bonds:||Well maybe I do and maybe I don't. Might need a little somethin' somethin' to jog my memory.
||Lawyer:||[to Stan] We gotta grease him. Put a hundred in the box! [Stan puts a $100 bill into a box. The box's fake bottom tilts down a little, the bill slips down and out of view, and the box crackles with electricity]
||Jimmy Bonds:||Oh yeah, Harington. I know 'im. Always goin' 'round... inventin' things.
||Lawyer:||Yes, that's him. Is his personage amonst you?
||Jimmy Bonds:||Well, maybe it is and maybe it isn't.
||Lawyer:||[to Stan] Give him another hundred. [Stan puts a $100 bill into a box. The box's fake bottom tilts down a little, the bill slips down and out of view, and the box crackles with electricity]
||Jimmy Bonds:||Yeah I've seen him around alright. He was just down that way, braggin' about some porcelain machine and what have ya. [the table begins to shake some more. Stan and Kyle look at the shaking in wonder]
||A Second Spirit:||Nooo! Noooo! [Stan and Kyle look to see what's behind them]
||Lawyer:||By the power of Christ we sue you! By the power of Christ we sue you! [the rest of the room begins to crackle with electricity too]
||The Second Spirit:||You can't sue me! [drawers from all the lawyer's cabinets open and close themselves]
||Lawyer:||WAAAAGH! Quick, put another three hundred in the bohhx!! [Stan throws the three remaining bills in and the lawyer quickly closes the box. Everything calms down immediately. The lawyer moves the box around some more, then holds it close to his chest as he catches his breath.] This actually went really really well. Always happens some bureaucrat tries to block the first sueance attempt but, this was good. Well, we'll get him tomorrow. [rises and heads for the door]
||Stan:||What that's it?
||Lawyer:||[stops] Yeah. We're gonna need about 400 more dollars tomorrow. I know you're sad about your mom, Clyde, but don't worry. We're gonna win this thing! [leaves]
||[The Marsh house, morning. Randy walks to the bathroom in his pajamas and bathrobe, holding a cup of coffee. He yawns and stretches along the way. He opens the door and enters...]
||R. Wiley:||Put your coffee in the plastic tray please, sir. [Randy obliges]
||R. Booth:||Shoes off, belt off!
||Randy:||[takes off his robe and sets it in another plastic tray] Yeah, yeah.
||R. West:||Gots any me'al in your pocket?
||R. Wiley:||[aims a flashlight at him] I just need to check your aaasshole.
||Randy:||[sighs while turning his back on the agent and bends over] So ridiculous. [he lowers his pants for her and she peers into his asshole with the flashlight]
||R. Wiley:||Asshole clear.
||R. West:||Pick your coffee up sir! [Randy gets his cup and goes to the toilet. The agents shuffle around to make way for him. he sits down and buckles up]
||R. Wiley:||Anyway, he says "I ain't gettin' nothin' anyway, so then you can-"
||Randy:||[noticing something on the ceiling] Hey, what's that thing? [it's a small security camera]
||R. Wiley:||That's a camera, it's a security camera.
||Randy:||Aww, you people have me on camera now??
||R. West:||It's okay, sir. There's just one person viewin' the monitors in a discrete location. [that person is an obese man with a receding hairline sitting behnd a desk in a room full of monitors hooked up to the bathrooms in every home and business in South Park. The guys laughs in a self-satisfied manner]
||[The South Park Community Center, day. Much of the town is present at a meeting, and Cartman has the floor.]
||Cartman:||Exactly how long are we going to sit around as our freedoms are stripped away one by one?! It's time for us to stand together ans ay, "We want the government out of our bathrooms!" [excited "yeah"'s are heard from several members of the audience] Now listen! All we have to do is agree as a community to all bolt our toilet seats down! If it can't raise or lower there will be zero chance of anyone falling in!
||Mr. Garrison:||Hey yeah, if there's no toilet seats, then the government can't make toilet seat laws! [the men all clap in agreement]
||Sheila:||No no- hold on! If the seat can't raise up, the men will just pee all over it! [the room falls silent]
||Man 2:||[between Jimbo and Stephen] No we won't.
||Woman 3:||Yyyeah you will.
||Cartman:||Well, sorry women might have to deal with a little "splash" of pee on the rim, but it's a far better solution than having the government in our bathrooms, right?!
||Woman 4:||How about we agree to that if... men will agree that they will always sit down to urinate.
||Stephen:||Well, no, you can't make men sit down to pee. How could we play "sink the boat"?
||Randy:||Yeah, how will Nelson and I make an X on sleepover night?
||A Logger:||[stands up, walks to the center aisle and addresses the audience] What about us loggers? Hardworkin' men who like to stand up after they've taken a poo and then turn around and cut their poo in half with their urin?
||Cartman:||Well, sorry, but if we don't want the government treating us like children, we might have to give up being able to pee our feces in half.
||A Logger:||Folks been loggin' 'round these parts for generations! My pappih taught me loggin', and his pappih 'fore him!
||Randy:||Yeah, I thnk we gotta just live with the TSA. [resigned "yeah"'s are heard from several members of the audience]
||[The law offices of Hoffman & Turk, next day, meeting room. The box and bowl are back on the table. The lawyer has worked himself into a trance and is swaying back and forth moaning. The drawers around the room are still]
||Lawyer:||The spriits of the dead are looking over the subpoena! Motion for summary judgment on behalf of the plaintiff! Oh- OHHHHHHH!
||Jimmy:||What's happening now?
||Lawyer:||[the drawers begin moving on their own again] Our motion's been denied by the judge! [grabs the box] Concentrate, boys! [a few more seconds, and all the drawers are closed again] This specter is like none I've ever encountered. He manages to avert liability with an injunction against our claim.
||Stan:||So what does that mean?
||Lawyer:||We'll hit him with a class-action lawsuit tomorrow. We'll need all your friends and family to sign a petition and kick in abuot fifty bucks each.
||Lawyer:||Hang in there, Clyde. This is all to make the world a safer place. [puts his fingertips together in the form of a steeple.]
||[The Discrete Location, day. The obese agent is watching a monitor to his left on the desk. A bottle of Ceations Moisturizing Lotion sits to his right on the desk. You can hear the sounds of masturbation emanating from the desk as he reaches over with his right hand to switch cameras. The monitor he's viewing is shown: first, a man sitting on the toilet, buckled in; second, an empty toilet; third, another empty toilet; fourth, a man on his toilet, reading and strapped in. The agent clicks through a few more cameras and stops. A few seconds later he reaches for the lotion and squeezes some onto his left hand, keeping his eye on the monitor at all times. He resumes clicking: a man using his iPad on the toilet, strapped in; an empty toilet; a man, strapped in, reaching for toilet paper. The agent clicks through some more cameras, then a woman is shown strapped in, reading a book; a man gets ready to take a poop; an empty toilet; then Cartman in his own bathroom, glaring at the camera with his hands behind his back. The agent withdraws his index finger a bit. He resumes masturbating. A few seconds later Cartman takes a gun and cocks it, places it on a footstool and walks out of the bathroom. The agent continues watching. Cartman returns with a baby and sets it next to the toilet and walks out again. The agent masturbates again. Cartman returns, dragging a bound and gagged R. Wiley into view. The agents keeps masturbating. Cartman gets a small ladder and climbs up to the camera with a bottle of Stylon black spray paint. He shakes it well and then sprays the paint all over the camera so it can't show what he's about to do next. The agent's eyebrows rise and then he grabs the mic]
||Obese Agent:||Security breeeach.
||News Anchor:||An embarassing day for the Toilet Safety Administration. Shock and outrage ensued after an unkonw terrorist managed to get through TSA security with a gun and a baby, leaving the toilet seat up. The head TSA Chief of Operations had this to say.
||R. West:||[in the neighborhood park near the restrooms] Shiiiiiit.
||News Anchor:||Meanwhile, outraged civilians are claiming they're finally fed up with the overblown government bureaucracy.
||Randy:||[at the Park County Community Center] What good is the TSA if they aren't protecting us?! Why have we given up freedom if terrorists can take a hostage in a bathroom with a baby and a gun on the toilet?!
||Woman 5:||AND the toilet seat was up!
||Randy:||We've all stood by as Mother Government has taken our dignity!
||Randy:||And now it's time for us to take responsibility for ourselves!
||Randy:||It is time for us all to grow up!
||Randy:||It is time... for a sueance!
||Cartman:||Wait, what? What the fuck is a sueance?
||[Colorado State Courthouse at South Park, day, KCNR News 5 Field Reporter reporting outside]
||Field Reporter:||Tom, I'm standing outside the South Park Courthouse where experts have successfully summoned the ghost of toilet inventor Sir John Harington. Now that the spirit has crossed over from the dead, lawyers are gonna try and sue him.
||[Colorado State Courthouse at South Park, inside. The judge is bored]
||Lawyer:||Sir Thomas Harington! Yuor extreme negligence hath cost taxpayers millions!
||Harington's spirit:||Mooooo! Mooooo!
||Lawyer:||You will be sued, spirit! Thy liability is without question! [the table of exhibits moves from one side of the courtroom to the other] Appear before this court, Harington!
||Lawyer:||Quick, everyone! Get out all your money! [the lights begin to flicker and the table shakes]
||Betsy's voice:||Clyyyyyde! [Betsy's spirit appears] Clyde? Clyde,
||Betsy's spirit:||This lawyer is a fraud. He has been swindling you and your friends for your money.
||Lawyer:||Fuck me, it's a ghost.
||Betsy's spirit:||You can't sue the dead, Clyde. Putting the toilet seat down is a matter of SIMPLE ETIQUETTE! It's COMMON SENSE, Clyde!
||Cartman:||Oh boy, here we go.
||Betsy's spirit:||Don't try and blame Mommy's death on anything but your failure to do something I asked you time and time again to do! It's YOUR FAULT!
||Harington's spirit:||Now hold on just a second! [everyone looks towards the source of his voice]/i> It's not anyone's fault! [the doors opens and in walks the ghost of John Harington] I am sick and tired of all this nonsense over my porcelain toilet machine!
||P. Sanchez:||There he is! Sir John Harington!
||Mr. Garrison:||Quick! Sue him!
||Harington's spirit:||You can't sue me! [walks up to Exhibit A] You're all using my toilet invention the wrong way! [everyone looks confused] When you have to sit and take a Sir Harington, you're s'posed to be facing this way! [faces the tank and straddles the seat, so he's facing in] So you can use the little shelf for your books and your quill and your ink.
||Butters:||Aha! I told you you sit on it that way! I told you!
||Harington's spirit:||Why would I design it so that when you're finished taking a Sir Harington, you have to stand up, turn around, and look down right at your Harington to flush?! That's gross!
||Randy:||Bu-uh, yeah but, but if you sit on it that way you gotta take your pants all the way off.
||Harington's spirit:||Of course! Why do you think I designed toilet rooms with a laundry hole?? [shows off the laundry hole in the exhibit. No one says a word for a while]
||Randy:||Oh that's what that hole is for? Ohhhh. [the other men join him] Ooops.
||[Cartman's house, night. Cartman is talking to someone on the phone again, embellishing the story]
||Cartman:||So then, so then Clyde's mom's ghost is all like, "Clyde, what have I told you Clyde? Ya asshole!" [laughs and catches his breath] And, and Clyde's all like, "Mom, leave me alone! I'm seriously, stop, please!" Dude, it was a riot! [laughs. Clyde himself is at the other end, taking a Harington the right way and reading a graphic novel - the Adventures of Mint Berry Crunch]
||Clyde:||That's not what I said.
||Cartman:||Hah, yeah well, I'm just glad that stupid TSA crap is over with. I know you've had a tough week Clyde, but, at least your mom didn't die for nothin'. I mean, we're kind of right back to the bathroom being the last bastion of Aemrican freedom, so technically your mom did die for nothin' but... Clyde? Clyde? Clyde, are you there? Hello? [Clyde is taking a pee. He's put the phone down on the counter. He finishes up, flushes the toilet, turns around and gets off. He looks down at the floor sadly, remembering his mom. He looks at the toilet, walks back up to it, gets angry, flips the toilet seat up, backs away from it, and gives his mom the finger. Then he turns around and walks out of the bathroom]
||[End of Reverse Cowgirl.]