Mr. Billings (President)
Mr. Peters (Associate 1)
Volunteer (Associate 2)
First-born Boy 1
First-born Boy 2
|[Kyle's house, morning. Kyle walks out of his room, yawns, smacks his lips softly, then turns left and walks down to the kitchen. His mom is talking to someone as he serves himself some milk and cereal.]|
|Sheila:||Yes, yes, this whole coming week is the Jewish holiday of Passover. Yes, it's all about how Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt. Very good. So on Friday all Jewish people will celebrate Passover with a seder dinner. [Kyle leaves the kitchen and goes to the dining table] Because God commanded the Jews to only eat bread that hasn't been given yeast to rise.|
|Cartman:||Wow, that's so cool. [Kyle passes by the entrance to the living room] And so Passover lasts seven days?|
|Sheila:||Yes, yes, one week from seder dinner on Friday to the next Friday. [Kyle stops and opens his eyes fully]|
|Cartman:||Interesting. And why is it called Passover again?|
|Sheila:||Well, because in ancient Egypt, [Kyle spins around and goes back to the entrance to get a good look] God passed over the houses marked with the blood of a lamb.|
|Cartman:||So interesting. Wow. [Cartman and Sheila aare sipping tea together]|
|Kyle:||[steps into the room and points at Cartman] Get outta here!|
|Cartman:||Oh hey Kyle.|
|Kyle:||Get. Outta here!|
|Cartman:||Well I'd better be going. Thanks so much Mrs. Broflovski. I learned a ton. [smiles and walks towards the front door.]|
|Sheila:||Well you're very welcome. [Kyle catches up to him]|
|Kyle:||What are you gonna do?!|
|Cartman:||Isn't it possile I just wanted to learn more about the Jewish faith?|
|Cartman:||Alright, Kyle. Listen: [dramatic music as Cartman takes him aside] legnd tells of a horrific four-legged creature from Mexico that sucks the blood of goats, and it might have just been spotted in South Park.|
|Kyle:||What does that have to do with Passover?!|
|Cartman:||All I can promise you is, that this is going to be the most memorable Passover, ever.|
|[Cartman announces the special within the episode]|
|Cartman:||"Cartman's Passover Holiday Special." Starring [as "JEWPACABRA" burns onto the screen] the Jewpacabra!|
|[A large park in town, day. Easter decorations are going up everywhere in the park courtesy of Sooper Foods, which is hosting the Easter Egg Hunt there. Music plays in the background. The kids line up to participate in the Easter egg hunt]|
|Volunteer:||Alright, next please. [Stan steps up to the table] Signing up for the Easter egg hunt?|
|Butters:||Ooolalolly! This is gonna be so much fun!|
|Craig:||[to Token] Yeah, I can't wait for Sunday.|
|Cartman:||[timidly] Yeah. Yeah it should be a real blast. [normal town] I just hope Jewpacabra doesn't show up, that's all.|
|Cartman:||Jewpaca- look it's nothing. Forget I said anything.|
|Craig:||Okay. [back to Token] So anyways, are they saying what time the event starts?|
|Cartman:||Okay look! A lot of people "claim" that on Passover, a blood-sucking creature called the Jewpacabra comes out and preys on children. [two kids passing by stop when they hear this] This year, Passover happens to be the week as Easter.|
|Butters:||[shaky voice] Yeyou mean it's like eh, like a monster.|
|Cartman:||It's just a legend, alright?! [steps out of line for a moment, then returns] But people all over town have started reporting strange things. Knocked-over trashcans, weird howls.|
|Cartman:||[gets in Token's face] Yuh huh, Token! on't think it won't come after you just 'cause you're black!|
|Clyde:||You guys. Check this out! [the boys step out of line to have a look. Clyde is looking at a dead bird]|
|Cartman:||Alright alright stay back STAY BACK. [holds his arms out to keep the boys back, then looks in closer] Definitely looks like a Jewpacabra attack, but it's hard to tell.|
|Butters:||AAAHHHHHH! [jumps up and down, then runs away]|
|Cartman:||Alright guys, we're gonna need some video cameras. We've gotta go out at night and get proof of this thing.|
|Kyle:||[walks up briskly] Alright alright! Knock it off! Stop spreading lies!|
|Cartman:||I'm trying to protect people! And why are you so quick to try and cover up Jewpacabra's existence?!|
|Kyle:||I looked on the known species Web page! There's no animal called a Jewpacabra mentioned anywhere!|
|Cartman:||Well neither is Bigfoot, Kyle, but there are a lot of people who say they've spotted a Sasquatch!|
|Kyle:||[sighs] If someone says they saw a Sasquatch, they are either lying, or they are stupid! Now stop lying about a Jewpacabra before stupid people start believing YOU!|
|[Butters' room, night. He's in bed, but quite afraid to go to sleep. The weather outside his wiindow isn't helping. He begins singing his favorite song softly, with a scared voice]|
|Butters:||Lu lu lu, lu... No no such thing as... je-jew-Jewpacabra. Heh-p, people made it up. [a bright lightning bolt scares him and he pulls the covers over his mouth and nose. He lowers the covers a bit after a second] Ih-it's... Uh that's okay. Even if there was a Jewpacabra, ih it couldn't get in my room anyways.|
|Butters:||[looks at the foot of his bed and sits upright] AAAAHHH! [Cartman is standing on his bed dressed as a cameraman]|
|Cartman:||Come on, Butters. You and me are gonna try to catch Jewpacabra on camera.|
|Butters:||NNNNO! Ih it's a school night.|
|Cartman:||Butters, do you know how many times Jewpacabra has been shot on video? ZEERO.|
|Cartman:||I can't do this alone. Please, help me prove to the rest of the world Jewpacabra is real.|
|[The woods, nearby. Cartman and Butters are both equipped as cameramen now, with bright headlights to light the way. When their cameras look at them, they sometimes appear distorted]|
|Cartman:||Look at these dense trees and brush. Oh yeah, this is exactly the kind of forest Jewpacabra likes to hide in.|
|Butters:||Did you say Jewpacabra is here?|
|Cartman:||Pretty sure Jewpacabra was here.|
|Butters:||Oh good. Maybe we scared it off.|
|Cartman:||You can't scare a Jewpacabra, Butters. Don't forget, we're dealing wiht a creature that drinks blood, hides in the night, and has absolutely no belief in the divinity of Christ. [some rustling is heard] Did you hear that? I'm gonna try a Jewpacabra mating call now. [starts calling] NO CHRIST! NO CHRIST! I'M REALLY NOT BUYING THIS WHOLE CHRIST THING! [looks around] He's here somewhere.|
|Butters:||Oh God, I'm scared.|
|Cartman:||JESUS IS A LIE!|
|Butters:||Eric, stop it!|
|Cartman:||Shhh. Help me call it out, Butters.|
|Butters:||I'm not saying "Jesus is a lie."|
|Cartman:||[in a hushed tone] Buttes, do you wanna catch Jewpacabra on camera or not?! THERE IS NO CHRIST!|
|Butters:||Eh Jesus is a lie!|
|Cartman:||No way Jesus was the Son of God, huh Butters?|
|Butters:||Nope, I don't think... Christ has any basis in reality!|
|Cartman:||[hears more rustling] Do you hear that?|
|Butters:||Um hey oh my garsh.|
|[Sooper Foods, Fun and Safe, day. Lots of shoppers there today. Cartman has gone to the supermarket's headquarters, as the president of the company is there with three associates and a wall full of plaques and awards]|
|President:||We started Sooper Foods to give people a place to buy groceries that was fun, and safe. We're not canceling our Easter egg hunt because of some wild story!|
|Cartman:||I didn't think you would believe me. And that's why last night I took it upon myself to go out and try to capture it on video. [prepares his video camera for playback.] What I'm about to show you is the first video ever shot of a Jewpacabra. And you're the first to see it. [presses a few buttons and the video plays] This is just after 8 p.m. First we heard rustling in the bushes, then a strange animal-like scurrying sound. That's when we saw... this. 'K wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for ih-waitforitrightthere! [a small black animal jumps from behind one rock to another] Did you see the Jewpacabra?! I know, it's so shocking it takes a minute for your brain to process what it's seeing. Watch again. Wait for it. Wait for it-there! [freezes the video when the animal is in midjump] Jewpacabra. [the jaws drop on the faces of the four men behind him] There's a Jewpacabra in South Park. God help us.|
|Associate 1:||That... wasn't a dog?|
|Cartman:||It was no dog! I was there. I'm telling you this thing had... nono idea Jesus Christ had died for our sins.|
|Associate 2:||[the volumteer, her hands cupped over her chest] What?|
|Cartman:||I could try to catch it, but I'm gonna need all theh resources you've got. If this thing isn't contained, your Easter egg hunt is going to be a bloodbath. [the president rises from his chair, and he and associate 1 walk over to the window.]|
|Associate 1:||Mr. Billings?|
|Mr. Billings:||[sighs] There's two things that separate Sooper Foods from all the other grocery stores: fun, and safety. What do you think, Peters? What are the chances that this "Jewpacabra" is real?|
|Mr. Peters:||I'm estimating somewhere around .000000001%.|
|Mr. Billings:||We can't afford to take that chance. Get this kid whatever he needs.|
|[And so Cartman begins getting whatever he needs, Or wants, anyway. He's escorted by Sooper Foods helicopters into the sky. He's reading a map in the president's helicopter.]|
|Mr. Billings:||So where are we heading first?|
|Cartman:||We need to get to the city of Nassau in the Bahamas, here. [points to Nassau]|
|Mr. Billings:||The Bahamas?|
|Cartman:||That's right. There's a resort near there called The Atlantis Hotel and Casino. They have a waterslide there that goes through a shark tank.|
|[at Aquaventure in The Atlantis Hotel, day. Cartman goes down a slide from the Mayan Temple through the shark tank.]|
|Cartman:||Weeeeed! [slides on past Mr. Billings and another of his associates] Oh, that's cool! [slides by at the far end] Check it out! [finally slides out at the bottom and pops up. He laughs heartily and goes on it again]|
|[Back in the air. Cartman is still in swim trunks and drying off while reading the map.]|
|Mr. Billings:||Where to now?|
|Cartman:||Now we head back to Colorado, here. [points to Denver] We need to get my video of the Jewpacabra into theh hands of professionals who can analyze it.|
|[Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization, day. Cartman leads the Sooper Foods executives to the entrance and runs into Kyle there]|
|Kyle:||Would youstop scaring everyone with your dumbass myth?!|
|Cartman:||People thought Atlantis was a myth, Kyle, but I was just there! I've explored the depths of Atlantis and now I'm about to prove a new species exists! I'm a little James Cameron.|
|Kyle:||These people aren't gonna prove anything! To believe any of this you either have to be a liar, or stupid!|
|Cartman:||These are professional people who go around tracking sasquatches, Kyle! They aren't liars and they aren't stupid!|
|[inside, moments later. The experts analyze the video]|
|Matt:||Look at its trajectory. It heads directly to the right. [zooms in on the animal]|
|Cliff:||It can't be human, it's too low to the ground. What do you think Bobo.|
|Bobo:||Bobo thinks scaaarry.|
|Matt:||It'd definitely something. I'm thinkin' a sasquatch.|
|Cliff:||It's not big enough to be a 'squatch.|
|Matt:||So it's a baby 'squatch?|
|Cliff:||That's what I'm thinking.|
|Cartman:||I've already done my research, boys. What you're looking at there... is a Jewpacabra. [the experts turn around]|
|Cartman:||It's like a sasquatch, only more elusive, more ferocious and a little more greedy.|
|Bobo:||Ohhh, Chewpacabra, that sounds scaaarrry.|
|Cliff:||But it makes total sense. If we rule out a human and a baby sasquatch, Jewpacabra is really all we have left.|
|Cartman:||Well I guess that's it. You're gonna have to allow only me into the Easter egg hunt, sir. I'm the only one qualified. [smiles]|
|Mr. Billings:||Ohhh, the kids will be so disappointed.|
|Bobo:||Whoa, look at this! I just did the heating thermal thingy to the video; it's all orange-y!|
|Cliff:||But it's supposed to be all yellowy. My God, this really is proof of a Jewpacabra!|
|Cartman:||Heh... [gets worried] what do you mean?|
|Cliff:||We've never seen this before, it really is true!|
|Cartman:||Well I mean, it could've just been a dog.|
|Matt:||No, it's impossible. Look at the zooming in. If I drop an image of a dog next to it... [drops an image of a dog into the picture]|
|Cliff:||Well that thing is way too big to be a dog. And check out the thermals comin' off of it.|
|Bobo:||That's the thermals. They make the poof in... thermal.|
|Matt:||That's right, Bobo. Whatever this thing is, it's mean and angry as hell.|
|Cartman:||Well come on boys, it's probably a Jewbacabra, but this isn't definitive.|
|Matt:||I'll tell you one thing, kid: you're pretty brave.|
|Cliff:||'Cause you took the video of this thing. It's not gonna like that.|
|Matt:||If it is a Jewpacabra, he's gonna be comin' after you.|
|[Cartman's room, night. Cartman is having trouble falling asleep, like Butters had some nights back]|
|Cartman:||No way. No way Jewpacabra's real. Those, those cryptozoologists don't know what they're talking about. They just, they just gave me a taste of the Hewbrew jeebies, that's all. [sees his phone, grabs it, and calls up someone] Hey, uh, Jewpacabras can't be real, right? Tell me again why it can't be real? [Kyle is at the other end of the line just listening] I mean, it's impossible that something I made up to turn out to actually exist, right, huh Kyle?|
|Kyle:||What are you doing?!|
|Cartman:||Okay, okay! Even if there was a Jewpacabra, it wouldn't know I was the one who got video of it, huh? How can it know that? It couldn't know that, right? Kyle? [Kyle hangs up and goes to sleep. A few seconds later Kyle gets another call and his ringtone plays: "She's a maniac, maniac-." Kyle checks the incoming number and throws the phone across the room, making the battery pop out and silencing it]|
|[South Park Church, night. The church is decked out for Easter, but the lights are out and Cartman sits alone in the dark. Behind the altar are a cross and a larger crucifix above that. Cartman is in a pew and peeks out at the aisle behind him. Nothing there. He's holding a rosary and begins to sing]|
|Cartman:||[shaky voice] Jesus loves me, this I know, 'cause Republicans told me so. Little ones God will protect, 'cause letting kids be harmed is child ne...glect... [pulls out a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Everything still clear out there? Guys. [Butters, Craig, and Token stand watch outside]|
|Butters:||It's all quiet out front, Eric.|
|Cartman:||Well check everywhere! I'm not paying you guys each twenty bucks to scratch your buttholes.|
|Butters:||[to Craig and Token] He says he's not paying us to scratch our buttholes. [some loud banging is heard and the boys outside scream and scatter] What? What was that?? Butters?? Token?? [now someone is pulling at the church's main doors] Oh Jesus Christ!! You guys?! AAAH! [runs out of the pew and hides behind some rows of candles. Now he's terrified] You guys?? Is it gone??|
|Cartman:||It's trying to come in! Where the hell are you guys?!|
|Butters:||Well we got scared, so we're next door at Wing Street.|
|Cartman:||[now pissed off] Wing Street?!|
|Butters:||Yeah, well, well it's the closest place to hide.|
|Cartman:||Dude, I want wings! [now there's banging on the side door] WAAAH! [the door opens and three shadows are just outside. They step in - it's Mr. Billings and two of his associates] Oh Jesus, it's only you.|
|Mr. Billings:||Alright, grab him.|
|Associate 3:||You say the Jewpacabra hunts for anything Easter. And now it's looking for you. [he and associate 2 grab Cartman escort him out of the church.]|
|[The park, night. Cartman is chained to an embedded cement block and he's trying to free himself from it. He's dressed as an Easter Bunny with Easter basket, and he begins to cry]|
|Cartman:||Get me out of here! Please, some help!|
|Mr. Billings:||Look, we're sorry, but if it's you the Jewpacabra wants, w-we don't have a choice.|
|Cartman:||Oh God it's gonna kill me! [Associate 3 walks up to Cartman with a bucket containing a dead rooster in its own blood. He dips a basting brush into the bucket and smears the blood all over Cartman and the bunny suit] What the?!|
|Mr. Billings:||Just a little blood to try and draw it out. We just can't risk the creature showing up tomorrow. Our entire business is based on fun and safety.|
|Cartman:||[vulnerable] This isn't safe or fun!|
|Mr. Billings:||Maybe it won't even show up. Maybe we'll all get out of this okay. [a wolf howls in the distance] Oh fuck, we'd better get out of here!|
|Cartman:||No! Come back! come back please, this isn't right!|
|[Kyle's house, night. The doorbel rings, and Kyle goes to answer it. It's Mr. Billings and his associates at the entrance]|
|Mr. Billings:||Hello young man. Let me start off by saying Sooper Foods is absolutely NOT an anti-Semitic company. [Kyle just looks at them] But, if your people do have a monster creature that feeds on Easter children, we just wanted to let you know that there's a sacrifice for it in the park that is totally fun and safe for him to eat. Thank you. [they turn and walk away, and Kyle looks on]|
|[A stormy, snowy night. Cartman is all alone in the park, still crying and tied to the cement block, but collecting Easter eggs he finds nearby. Kyle walks by looking for the sacrifice.]|
|Cartman:||[noticing] Kyle. Hey Kyle! [Kyle looks at him] I know what you're thinking, Kyle. That like this is some kind of fitting comeuppance.|
|Kyle:||Admit you're lying, and I'll let you go.|
|Cartman:||Oh of course. Uh I was lying, Kyle. There's no Jewpacabra. Now please, Kyle, it's Easter eve, and if Jewpacabra smells this blood, I am in a HEAP of trouble! [Kyle walks away] No! Kyle, no! Wait! I'm sorry, I couldn't help it! Kyle?! Please, I'll give you money! I have lots of money! [softly] Oh God, what am I doing? [loudly] I mean... I mean, I don't have any money! I'm totally broke! [calms down] Oh God, I am in a heap of trouble. [a while later the clouds part enough to show a full moon. Cartman has stopped struggling and is sitting down] It's so cool that, even though I'm Christian I celebrate Passover too. [smiles] Yep. I think both holidays are awesome. [somewhere in the bushes, a pair of eyes, or binoculars, looks at Cartman while some heavy breathing is heard] I really sympathize with those Jews in ancient Egypt. I really do. [the heavy breather stands up - it's Bobo. Bobo lowers his binoculars and the other three experts stand up behind him]|
|Cliff:||What do you think, Bobo?|
|Bobo:||No doubt about it. It's a three foot tall bunnyman.|
|Matt:||I told you! Bunny people must be a throwback to paleotardic times. Shoot it, Bobo.|
|Bobo:||Bobo shoot it! [takes up his rifle, walks out of the bushes and approaches Cartman. Cartman notices and looks back]|
|Cartman:||Bobo? [Bobo gets ready to shot] Bobo no! [Bobo shoots a tranquilizer into Cartman] Eh! What the? [the tranquilizer acts quickly andn Cartman goes down]|
|Bobo:||[drops the rifle] Bob got it! Bobo got the bunnymaaan! [the other three experts catch up]|
|Matt:||Good shot, bobo!|
|Cliff:||Now what do we do?|
|Matt:||I know! Let's go get a show about it on Animal Planet.|
|Cliff:||Good idea! [begins to move, but stops] Wait wait wait wait. We're gonna need to take the evidence.|
|Bobo:||Oh right. I got the evidence right here. [picks up the rifle he used on Cartman] The dart gun I got the bunnyman with.|
|Cliff:||Come on let's go! [they leave]|
|Cartman:||Uh, what, what ha- Ugh. Oh, what? [passes out]|
|[A cobblestone street in Ancient Egypt, during the timem of the Exodus. Cartman is dressed as an Egyptian prince. Locusts are flying everywhere - the plague of locusts - and people are screaming]|
|Cartman:||What's going on?!|
|Egyptian Man:||The plagues! The plagues are upon us! Run! [thte plague of frogs follows. Frogs fall from the sky and die on impact, andn people are running around]|
|Cartman:||It's raining frogs! [sees Kyle dressed as an Israelite boy climbing up a ladder to repair a leak on the roof of his house] Kyle! Kyle, my Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs?!|
|Kyle:||Yes. It's because the Pharaoh won't give the Hebrews what we want. God is angry. [another forg lands near Cartman]|
|Cartman:||So God makes it rain frogs? That just seems kind of... mean to frogs. Kyle?|
|Kyle:||That's how God is. And if Pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next he's gonna kill all Egyptian first-born boys.|
|Cartman:||What? Okay look! I'll talk to the Pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind.|
|Kyle:||It doesn't matter, because God is going to harden Pharaoh's heart!|
|Cartman:||What does that mean?|
|Kyle:||It means Jehovah is going to use his powers to keep the Pharaoh from letting us go.|
|Cartman:||...Well that> doesn't seem very fair, Kyle. I mean, if God is going to make Pharaoh say no, then why would he punish him for saying no?
||Kyle:||That's just how God is.
||Cartman:||You're wrong Kyle! God is not a dick! [runs off to talk to Pharaoh]
||[Pharaoh's palace, night. He sits on a long sofa in a balcony. Cartman approaches him and sits next to him]
||Cartman:||Daaaad? When is it gonna stop raining frogs?
||Pharaoh:||It'll be okay, my son. The weather will clear.
||Cartman:||But my friend Kyle, he says that the reason we've had all these plagues and stuff is 'cause you won't let all the Jews leave.
||Pharaoh:||[sighs deeply] It's a complicated political issue, my son. An economic social issue that needs time. We can't let them leave, but is it really all that different from when the North didn't let the Confederate States leave the USA?
||Cartman:||Wow, that makes sense. I don't think anyone can deny that. [another frog lands on the balcony bannister, dead.].
||Pharaoh:||Poor frogs. I feel so badly for them.
||Cartman:||But Daaad, my friend Kyle says that if we don't do whatever the Hebrews want us to do, God is gonna kill little Egyptian boys.
||Pharaoh:||Hoh, I don't think God would do such a thing, little one. No matter what happens, we can't let ourselves believe in the Hebrew version of God. We believe in a just lord who would never murder innocent children.
||Cartman:||I love you Dad. [leans towards him]
||Pharaoh:||And I love you, son. And our love grows.
||Cartman:||And our love grooows.
||Together:||And our love grooows, like the might River of the Nile
||Cartman:||River of the Nile
||Pharaoh:||He is close.
||Together:||We'll never be apart.
||Cartman:||[walks up to a lamb back on the street] Have no fear, for God is near, and God loves all his children-
||Lamb:||Baaa! [The Broflovskis, dressed as the Hebrews of the times, come up and take the lamb. Sheila slices its throat open and it bleeds to death]
||Cartman:||NOOOOOOOO! [the Broflovskis tahek the lamb and rub their house all over with its blood] Kyle, why?! What are you doing?!
||Kyle:||This is what God told us to do!
||Cartman:||No Kyle! I don't believe you!
||[Pharaoh's palace, night. Cartman walks through the palace, noticing that the kids were beginning to suffer.]
||First-born Boy 1:||What's happening to us?! [he and the boy in the background vomit blood and then die where they stand.]
||First-born Boy 2:||God, someone's gonna kill me! [his head blows up and bits of brain and other bits of head scatter]
||Cartman:||[running by] NOOOOOOO! [tuns into a man offering peanut better and jelly between two large matzoh crackers]
||Hebrew Man:||Care for a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich?
||Cartman:||Noooo, the bread's all flaaat! Noooo! [swats the bread off the seller's hand] Noooooo!
||[Pharaoh's palace. Pharaoh is surrounded by four small boys, but they're dying off one after the other. Some of them lose their heads]
||Pharaoh:||[beseeching] God we were wrong! I was wrong!
||Cartman:||We were wrong! I'm sorry God, I'll be Jewish, I promise! Please don't kill me! Don't kill me, NOOOO! [his head blows up and he falls forward. Pharaoh cries.]
||[The park, night. Cartman is still face down on the ground, still tied to the cement block.]
||Cartman:||NOOO! It's the bread, it's just so flat! No!
||[Kye's house, night. Kyle is in bed, asleep. He wakes up, though, and can't get back to sleep. He gets pissed off that he can't sleep. He gets up and gets dressed, gets some bolt cutters and a blanket, and walks out of the house. He reaches the park and walks up to Cartman, who's still asleep.]
||[Kyle puts a blanket on Cartman and cuts through the chain with the bolt cutters. He picks Cartman up and walks him home. He knocks and goes inside, taking Cartman upstairs to his room. He undresses Cartman and puts him in bed, tucking him in, then walks home. The next day, the Easter egg hunt is on. Everyone is gathered at the park and cheering. Mr. Billings is in the gazebo with his facts sheet and two associates]
||Mr. Billings:||There are two things people think about when they are grocery shopping: fun, and safety. On this beautiful Easter morning we are thrilled to give back to the people of South Park, who for the third year in a row have made our grocery store number... [checks his fact sheet] 4 in fun and number [checks his fact sheet again] 6 in safety. Let the hunt begin! [Associate 2 cuts the ribbon and releases the children. As the kids hunt for the eggs, some of them steal off each other with punches.]
||Cartman:||I'm alive! [the kids stop to hear. Cartman runs through the park ecstatically] I'm alive, you guys! [tugs onto a girl's coat] I don't know how, but I'm alive! [lets go and continues running] Can you believe it?! It's a miracle! [other kids look around somewhat confused. Cartman goes into the gazebo and speaks] Hello everybody. Last night I almost died. But then a Passover miracle happened. The Jewpacabra pass me over. And by the power of Jehovah I somehow woke up safely in my bed. I learned a big lesson. It's wrong, guys. Christ didn't die for our sins and God is angry. It's time for us all to stop this Easter ridiculousness, accept Jehovah as our God and deny Christ.
||Butters:||Aw, stop trying to ruin Easter, you... why you heathen!
||Various people:||Yeah! Ge out of here. [everyone leaves to hunt some more]
||Cartman:||You guys. Listen! [no one is listening, so he spots Kyle and walks over to him] I finally know how you feel, Kyle. Knowing your religiion is right but being laughed at by everyone else? It's so hard for us Jews. But, I guess we just have to let stupid people believe what they're gonna believe.
||Cartman:||Ah I know what you're thinking Kyle. Butu I really do believe in Judaism now. I'm not lying.
||Kyle:||[pats Cartman's shoulder] I know you're not.
||Cartman:||Cool. Thanks, Kyle. [walks off, then turns around] Oh, and Kyle, Happy Passover.
||Kyle:||[without emotion] Happy Passover, Cartman. [Cartman beams and the camera moves up to the sky to reveal a bright sun with the Star of David emblazoned on it and thirteen rays of light surrounding it.]
||[End of Jewpacabra.]