Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Token
Craig
Legless Boy
Gerald
Farmer
Denny's Greeter
Honey Boo Boo and Mama
James Cameron and his crew
Michelle Obama and her aide
Randy Newman
Ticket Teller
Obese Lady and Two Obese Men
News Anchor, Announcer, Singers
Various Men
| [Wall*Mart, night. It has returned. The boys are in the sporting goods section if the store. Kenny looks at bats while Cartman looks at gloves. Stan and Kyle look at other things across the aisle.] | |
| Stan: | You find a good catcher's mitt, Cartman? |
| Cartman: | [looks over his left shoulder] Dude, how come when we play baseball I have to be the catcher? [looks at the gloves again] |
| Kyle: | Well, because you got good coordination, sharp reflexes, and you're fucking fat. |
| Cartman: | [turns left to address Kyle] I'm not fat, Kyle. |
| Kyle: | Right, you're not fat. |
| Cartman: | Dude, I'm not fat! I don't drive around on a mobility scooter like [that] bitch! [they seen a scooter rolls past them with an obese man on it] |
| Stan: | Whoa duude! |
| Kyle: | Jesus Christ, you can't even walk down an aisle to get your candy? [another obese man rolls up behind them] |
| Obese Man: | Excuse me. [They just look up at him] Excuse me! [they part the aisle for him - Stan, Cartman and Kenny take the side with the gloves on it, Kyle takes the other side,] |
| Cartman: | See what I mean? You can't even walk around a Wall*Mart anymore without getting run over by some fat dick on a Rascal. |
| Kyle: | Why do they even allow those things in stored? |
| Stan: | They don't just allow them, they have them available at the front. [Indeed, a small fleet of them are available for rent, at $19.99 each. They're labeled as electric wheelchairs. Obese people are in line as one after another of them rents a Rascal. The boys turn a corner to have a look at the Rascals as they're being rented] |
| Kyle: | You've gotta be kidding me! |
| Cartman: | [eyes some Oreos and goes for them] Oh my God you guys, look at this! [grabs a box and reads it] Candy Corn Oreos. Oreos with candy corn filling. [closes his eyes and looks up joyfully] Holy hell yes! |
| Kyle: | Are you serious?? Look around: doesn't this bother you at all?? [an obese man and an obese woman squeeze past each other in an aisle on their scooters.] That's YOU one day, fatass! [Stan and Kenny leave] Not even one day! If you don't change something, that's you! In about a year! [turns and follows Stan and Kenny away. Cartman is left aloone with the Oreos and his thoughts] |
| Obese Lady: | [rolls up in her Rascal] Are those Candy Corn Oreos? |
| Cartman: | Yeah... Yeah, here you go. [walks over, tosses them into her basket, and walks away with his head down] |
| [Cartman walks through town. He stops by a large window to look at himself, then walks on. Later he shows up at Kyle's house, and Kyle answers the door] | |
| Cartman: | Hey Kyle, caan I come in for a second? |
| Kyle: | Why? [his eyebrows move to odd positions every so often] |
| Cartman: | [walks in] I've been... doing a lot of thinking... about what you said at Wall*Mart. [stops] You're right Kyle. I'm fat. [sighs] All these years you tell me and me saying "No, I'm big-boned" or "no, that's just muscle"... It was always just me living in denial. I'm fucking fat, Kyle. I'm fucking fat as fucking fuck. |
| Kyle: | Cartman, uh, all I was trying to tell you at Wall*Mart was that you- |
| Cartman: | [turns around] No! It's okay, Kyle... because... I'm not gonna live like some... slug who can't even leave his house 'cause he can't get around. Now that I can admit I'm fat, I decided to finally do something about it. [walks outu of the house. Kyle is puzzled. Moments later, Cartman returns on a Rascal and rolls on into Kyle's living room] Sweeeeeeeeeet! |
| Kyle: | [angrily]Oh no! |
| Cartman: | Don't know what took me so long, dude. All I needed was a few extra pounds and the insurance company paid for my own private one! See? It's got a basket in front for my candy corn Oreos. [begins to ride in a circle around Kyle] |
| Kyle: | You don't need that! Get off of it. |
| Cartman: | [stops] Dude, it's sweet. Did you know they make access for mobility scooters everywhere? I can seriously go from my bed to Wall*Mart and never have to touch the floor, once. [rides away] |
| Kyle: | That's not what I meant by doing something about it, Cartman! |
| Cartman: | [reaches the restroom and tries to get it, but the base is too wide] Hmm. [tries again. Kyle catches up] I can't. [tries again] I can't seem to get into your bathroom, Kyle. [tries again] |
| Kyle: | What?? |
| Cartman: | Yeap. No, this is the problem, Kyle. [tries again] You've gottam make your bathroom accessible for my mobility scooter or else I won't be able to take a shit in your house. [tries again] |
| Kyle: | So take a shit somewhere else! |
| Cartman: | that's not the way this country works, Kyle. [tries again] Your bathroom has to be to code for my mobility scooter. [tries again] It's the law. |
| Gerald: | [arrives] What's going on down here? |
| Cartman: | [tries again] Can't seem to be able to take a dump in your house, Mr. Broflovski. Doesn't appear to be handicap-accessible. [tries again] I'll look past it this time, but you'd better get that bathroom up to code of you don't want a lawsuit. [backs out and prepares to leave] Well, I'm off to go try to take a shit at Best Buy, guys. See you, Kyle. [rools away. Kyle looks on angrily] |
| [Cartman rides through town looking self-satisfied while music plays in the background] | |
| Cartman: | ["Nobody understands how embarrassing it is to live with obesity." He rides past a couple] Out of the way. Out of the way please. ["Wherever you go, you're treated differently" He arrives at a Denny's] |
| Greeter: | Uhh I guess take that big booth by the window. [Cartman goes towards the booth and grins] |
| [South Park Elementary, day. Cartman's soliloquy continues. "You're made to feel different. To feel like less of a person." While the boys are in the gym tossiing basketballs at each other, Cartman rides around in the hall outside, grinning all the while. Next, Cartman holds up traffic while riding his Rascal. "I feel so much shame, all I can do is try to make myself feel a little better by flying to Disnelyland on the weekend."] | |
| Ticket Teller: | Okay, we're finally gonna start with pre-boarding. Anyone needing special assistance getting on the aircraft- Oh... |
| Cartman: | Coming through. Oh how humiliating. [now at the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland: "But even at Disneyland I get reminded of my weight." He rolls into the short line] Scuse me. Gotta go to the front of the line. Oh what shame I feel. [reaches the front of the line] Oh jeez, look how fat I am. I'm just mortified, you guys. Can't believe I have- [finds a line of other scooter riders in front of him] Ay! The fuck is this?! There's a wait for the Rascal line?! He-hay! That kid in the moddle isn't even fat! Look at hiim! He's got no right to be on a Rascal! You're not fooling anybody asshole! Walk to the back of the line! |
| Legless Boy: | I don't have legs. |
| Cartman: | Yeah, well you got skinny arms! [Later on, Cartman rolls through Cnderella's Castle. "And then even Disneyland can't take away the shame, as all the people suffering from obesity are ignored. Like, we're invisible." A woman's baby carriage gets in the way and she quickly pulls it back as Cartman rolls towards the exits] 'Scuse me. Move it. |
| [A courtroom, day. Cartman has been explaining things to the judge at the witness stand... on his Rascal.] | |
| Cartman: | And so to go thruogh all that, your honor, to go through all the shame and daily ridicule, and then not to be able to take a simple shit at Best Buy? [chokes up and begins to sob] At Besty Buy I'm sorry. [At the defense table sits a Best Buy employee, looking around] To be told by some Best Buy manager that your mobility scooter can't fit in his bathroom? [reaches for a long-handled grip with his left hand, then uses it to take a tissue from the judge's bench. He grabs the tissue with his right hand and lowers the grip, then blows his nose] Oh God, excuse me! It's just so belittling, you know? All I wanted to do was take a dump, your honor. After all I've been through, can't I just take a dump at Best Buy? |
| [News 4 segment.] | |
| Anchor: | More lawsuits today as people on mobility scooters claim they have nowhere to poo. Property owners are being ordered to modify their bathrooms, costing taxpayers milliions. Opponennts of the measure are expressing their outrage by engaging in the act of Rascal tipping. |
| Obese Man 2: | [being jostled in his Rascal by a group of boys] Stop it you kids! sto- Oop- Owww.[the boys succeed in tipping him over and the man is on his side unable to get up. The kids laugh and scatter, and the man begins to sound like a pig] Weak! Weak! |
| Anchor: | The government warns that Rascal tipping can be dangerous, and may lead to fat people shitting their pants as they kick and scream on the floor. To counter the crisis, the Department of Health has called for $25 million in aid, so that all mobility scooters can be fitted with a tip assist device. [The device is shown, and it resembles a telescoping cane] |
| [South Park Elementary gymnasium, day. Two workers are installing the tip assist device on Cartman's Raascal. Cartman is on his Rascal, and they're both on their sides. When the workers finish, he activates the device, which rights him up] | |
| Cartman: | Oh yeah, it's nice. Yeah, that works pretty well. [facing hiim is the rest of the fourth grade class] |
| Kyle: | You have got to be kidding me! |
| Cartman: | What, Kyle?! [the device then collapses and puts itself away] |
| Kyle: | We should not be wasting time and money making sure Cartman's fat scooter can't be tipped over! |
| Cartman: | [rolls up to him] You condone Rascal-tipping, Kyle?! Do you know that all over our country people in mobility scooters are being victimized?! |
| Kyle: | So get off your fucking scooters and pick them up! |
| Cartman: | Oh! Oh, did you hear him?! [rolls back to the workers] This is is exactly what Adele is talking about! [begins to pace back and forth] Our culture celebrates anorexia and tries to make us ashamed if we don't have slim stomachs and perky little tits like Kyle! [rolls up to Kyle] Well I for one am gonna stop feeling ashamed just because Kyle throws up in the bathroom six times a day [rolls away] to make sure he looks good on his magazine covers! [rolls back up to Kyle] You should be ashmed of YOURself, Kyle! eating your latkes and gefilte fish and then putting your fingers down your throat because society tells you how to look! [rools to the far end of the gum] I'm not feeling shamed anymore! From now on, I'm gonna shop sitting down and skip to the front of the lines with my head held high! Just because someone needs a mobility scooter doesn't mean they're an ignorant piece of white trash, Kyle! I may be fat, but I'm not Honey Boo Boo! |
| Kyle: | Who's Honey Boo Boo? |
| Stan: | Dude, you've never seen Honey Boo Boo? |
| [A trophy room. Honey Boo Boo is showing off her trophies from the various beauty pageants she's won] | |
| Honey Boo Boo: | My name's Honey Boo Boo and I'm a beauty queen, bitches. [at a pageant, onstage, dressed to win] I'm fat as a whale and I don't give two shits, girl! |
| Mama: | Her favorite foods are sketti and butter, and she likes drinkin' Red Bull and Mountain Dew. |
| Honey Boo Boo: | [back in her trophy room] I'm only six and I've already had three heart attacks, girlfriend! |
| Mama: | [at a pageant, performs some chest compressions on Honey] Come on1 Come on now, Boo Boo! [Honey Boo Boo comes to] Now get up and wave to them judges! [later on, to the camera] We ain't got no shame about our weight, 'cause our weight makes us sassy. [Stan and Kyle are watching the show in Stan's living room. Kyle gets up and walks off] |
| Kyle: | Jesus, dude. W-w-what happened? It's like, something's lowered the bar to the point that nobody feels any shame anymore. |
| Stan: | Well, dude, it's not like the bar is this actual, physical thing. |
| [At sea, day, there's the U.S.S. James Cameron, with James Cameron on the bridge] | |
| James Cameron: | This is it! Throttle down! |
| A crewman: | [voice only] Throttle down! [Cameron leaves the bridge and goes on deck, putting on a diving suit] |
| Crewman 1: | Mr. Cameron, you don't have to do this! Why don't you just go back to your house in Malibu? Go work on another movie? |
| James Cameron: | I have to do this! I have to try and raise it! |
| Crewman 1: | The bar isn't somethng that actually lowers, Mr. Cameron. |
| James Cameron: | Then how do you explain all the fat people on mobility scooters? [points at him] How do YOU account for... Honey Boo Boo? The bar has been lowered to depths we can't even fathom. If anyone can go down there and raise it back, it's ME. [puts on some gloves and gets into a bathysphere. He closes the hatch and locks himself in] Let her go! [two workers pull down the release switches in unison. The crane releases the bathysphere and... it hits the deck below. It rolls to one side towards the edge and then drops off. Under the water, as it sinks, Cameron gets to work] UV lights on. Pressure system is normal. Music, on. |
| Singers: | His name is James (James) Cameron, the bravest pioneer. No budget too steep no sea too deep Who's that? It's him! James Cameron. |
| James Cameron: | Systems are normal. You guys hearing the song okay up there? |
| Singers: | James (James) Cameron, explorer of the sea |
| Crewman 1: | Yes, James, we hear the song. |
| James Cameron: | Descending to one thousand feet. I don't see the bar yet. Looks like it must have sunk pretty low. |
| Singers: | With a dying thirst to be the first Could it be? Yeah it's him. James Cameron. |
| [South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The fourth grade boys need to use the restroom. Kyle is pounding at the door, which has been licked from inside] | |
| Kyle: | Come on, hurry it up in there! [inside, a toilet and the two urinals have been removed to make room for the wheelchair-accessible toilet. Cartman rolls up the ramp to get to the toilet] |
| Cartman: | Oh yeah, that's good. That's accessible now. Cool, let me try to take a shit in this real quick. [gets off the Rascal] |
| Kyle: | [starting to fume, steps away from the crowd] This has gone far enough! [theother boys turn to look at him] How can we make people see the difference between being sensitive to obesity and letting fat people walk all over us?! |
| Token: | Yeah, what we need is something to raise awareness. |
| Kyle: | Yeah! We've gotta raise people's awareness! |
| Token: | Somethng like... a documentary. You know, follow Cartman around, with a video camera, and then get all his bullshit on television. |
| Kyle: | Yeah! g'uh... A, a documentary? |
| Token: | <>[walks up to Kyle] At least then we'd be voicing our concern. I mean, if you thnk about it, we should feel some shame for... complaining about it and not doing anything. |
| Kyle: | You, I gu-I guess you're kinda right. |
| Token: | Hey, tell you what: if you wanna follow Cartman around, and get video of him, I'll pay to make it into a documentary, and get it on the air. |
| Kyle: | Really? Thanks, dude! I'm gonna go get a video camera! [walks awway smiling. Token watches him leave, then walks off in the opposite direction. Theh rest of the boys go back to waiting at the restroom door. Craig watches Kyle leave, then notices Token and follows him] |
| Craig: | Hey Token. If you're gonna Kyle video that stuff for you, you should probably tell him the truth. |
| Token: | He doesn't need to know the truth. Kyle will get what he wants, and so will I. [hurries away] |
| [University of Colorado at Boulder. Kyle is there to present his video on obesity. He's onstage before a large audience] | |
| Kyle: | Ladies and gentlemen, we have an epidemic in our country. Obesity is costing taxpayers millions, and some are takingn advantage of a system that is flawed. Over the past several days I have filmed such a case, and the shocking video has been edited by my partner, Token. It is our hope that this film will cast light on a serious issue. [clicks on a remote to turn down the lights] |
| ["Token Blaaaaack Productions." Token Black Prod. Presents... a montage.] | |
| Token: | [voice over. Cartman is shown rolling down the street] He's chubby, [Cartman is shown at a table with lots of courses for him to go through] he's flithy [Cartman belches], and he's just a little bit nuts. [sideswipes a letter carrier and then gives him the finger] Here he is, America's newest sweetheart, Fatty Doo Doo! ["Here Comes Fatty Doo Doo" appears onscreen with a picture of Cartman on his Rascal, whth his back to the camera] |
| Kyle: | Fatty Doo Doo? |
| [What appears looks more like a television pilot than a documentary. Cartman is shown going doown the street in downtown South Park, then he's crossing the street on his Rascal. A car stops before it hits him. then he's eating chips in the living room on his Rascal. "The new show by Token black & Kyle Broflovski" appears, then leaves the screen as Cartman rolls down the school hallway, followed by "title song by: Randy Newman"] | |
| Randy Newman: | Who's that scootin' on a scooter? Fatty Doo Doo Who's got doodoo like a fatty scoop de do? |
| Kyle: | What? |
| [Cartman rolls through a line of people waiting to buy movie tickets. Then he's back at Wall*Mart getting some other chips. Then he's on the toilet trying very hard to poop. Another shot of him pooping. The crowd begins to laugh at his antics. Next he's at the dining room table waiting for his powdered doughnut pancake surprise. Kyle looks at the audience's reaction, then at the pilot, which now shows Cartman ordering some stuff from the Wendell's drive-through menu. Then it shows Cartman making a beeline for Disneyland] | |
| Randy Newman: | Nobody scoots a fatty doo like you do. Scatty foo foo Patty poo poo White president, black president, I don't care. Just scoop me up some doodoo and I'll be right there. I. Only. Know. Five. Chords. |
| [Token's office, nicely appointed. some loud pounding is heard on the door] | |
| Token: | Come in. |
| Kyle: | [enters and approaches the desk] What have you done? |
| Token: | I helped you make a documentary, Kyle. |
| Kyle: | When we said "documentary," I thought we meant 60 Minutes, not Honey Boo Boo! |
| Token: | Kyle, Kyle, I'm trying to make compelling television. |
| Kyle: | You got Randy Newman to do the theme song. You're not trying that hard. Token, you're a good kid. How can you sit there and collect money on a show that's about a, about a fat child killing himself?? Where's your sense of shame?? |
| Token: | [hops off his chair and walks to a window] I can remember... exactly where I was... the first time I saw Honey Boo Boo. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. A shameful, fat family eating white trash food to their death. And then I saw what network it was on: The Learning Channel. [turns around and faces Kyle] If they can feel okay about that, why can't I? |
| Kyle: | When the bar gets lowered, Token, we all pay the price. What if Honey Boo Boo was a little black girl? Being fattened up by her mom and talking about grits and hominy? |
| Token: | But she's not black, Kyle. She's white. [a few seconds of silence] The bar is determined by society, Kyle. And it's not something that can just be raised up. [faces the window again] Not by us, or anyone else. |
| [The bathysphere. Cameron keeps descending] | |
| James Cameron: | You guys seeing this?! |
| Crewman 1: | Yes, we see, Mr. Cameron. |
| James Cameron: | This is where the bar was just a few years ago. It was lowered here when President Lincoln got a blow job in the oval office. And suddenly men who were just getting blow jobs in alleyways thought they weren't all that bad. But clearly something else has lowered the bar even more! I must go deeper! We're in the pipe, five by five. |
| [Stan's house, porch. Stan sits on the steps as Kyle paces on the lawn] | |
| Kyle: | I just don't know what to do. I mean, I hate Cartman with all my heart, but I can't stop feeling ashamed for taking advantage of him. But should I feel ashamed? Oh, whatever lowered the bar is not my fault. So if I kind of go with it, is it really unfair to Cartman? |
| Stan: | I guess not, but... What is it exactly you're trying to do? |
| Kyle: | Just, you know, make some money off him. Like Honey Boo boo. |
| Stan: | [alarmed, gets up and walks up to Kyle] Dude! Dude, not cool! |
| Kyle: | What? |
| Stan: | Haven't you heard what happened? Honey Boo Boo's heart gave out. |
| Kyle: | [a bit shocked] What? Oh my God. |
| Stan: | Yeah dude. It's really serious. |
| [The Thompson living room. Mama talks to the camera] | |
| Mama: | Well, the doctor said Honey Boo Boo needs a heart transplant. They're gonna do a surgery and put a pig heart in her, so, we're going to the ranch to pick out a hawg. |
| [In the car, day. Mama and Honey Boo Boo] | |
| Honey Boo Boo: | [clapping] I'mm gettin' a piiig heaaart. |
| [At the ranch, day.] | |
| Mama: | Honey Boo Boo is gonna do pageants with a pig heart, we wanna pick a hog that has pizzazz and knows how to work it, girl! |
| Honey Boo Boo: | I waunt that one! |
| Farmer: | This one here? [picks up a sow near them and shows off the sow's belly] You want this one?? |
| Honey Boo Boo: | Yeah! No wait! That pig over there gave me the evil eye! I wuant that one! I waunt [squeezes her eyes closed for a second] that one! |
| Farmer: | This one? [picks up a sow near them and shows off the sow's belly] this one right here?? Ya waunt this one?? |
| Honey Boo Boo: | I want that one's heart! It looked at me funny! |
| [In the operating room. Mama describes what's going on] | |
| Mama: | We've been in the OR about two hours already. I just hope when she does her pageants the judges don't take away points 'cause she's got a pig heart. [looks over her shoulder] Honey Boo Boo! [no response] Honey BOO BOO! |
| Honey Boo Boo: | What?! |
| Mama: | What you gonna tell them judges if they ask you about your heart? |
| Honey Boo Boo: | I'm gonna tell them "my heart is sweeter than bacon, child!" [Mama turns back to the camera and grins] |
| [The Thompson kitchen. Mama is preparing a meal for the family] | |
| Mama: | Who waunts sketti and butter? [pg noises are heard and the camera pans down to show Honey Boo Boo crawling all over the floor] She got a pig heart an' now she thinks she's a pachyderm. Show 'em your scar! |
| Honey Boo Boo: | This is myyy scaaar 'cause I got a pig heart. My scar makes me sassy, child! [blows a kiss to the camera] |
| [The bathysphere, deeper now than before.] | |
| James Cameron: | S. S. Cameron? This is James Cameron. I am now at... 16,000 feet. You should see the cold darkness of it all. The isolation and yet awwwe of the sea's magnitude. I have now sunk deeper than any human has ever been before! [h soon encounters another man in a diving suit] |
| Randy Newman: | We are here in the ocean depths goin' deep deep deep- [turns around and sees the bathysphere... and its pilot] Oh hey James Cameron. |
| James Cameron: | What the fuck?! |
| Randy Newman: | I've been divin' in the deep and I'm feelin' so cheap. |
| James Cameron: | You son of a bitch Newman! How did you beat me down here! |
| Randy Newman: | I don't want anyone raisin' the bar, 'cause nobody'll hire me! Deep deep deep in the ocean. Ohhh, come on. Fight me, Cameron. |
| James Cameron: | Alright, you son of a bitch! I'll take you to hell! [maneuvers the bathysphere's arms and lands a right punch on Newman, who falls away in slow mution] |
| [Token's office, day. Kyle now has Cartman with him.] | |
| Cartman: | It is a violation of my civil rights, Token, and you should be ashamed of yourself! |
| Kyle: | I'm sorry Token, I had to tell him. His life is in danger. |
| Cartman: | Making money off of people's handicaps! Well Token, I would like you to meet my lawyer! [the lawyer appears outside the office and tries to enter, but can't. The lawyer is on his own Rascal] As soon as he gets in here he will be handing you a cease and desist order! That show is not going to air! |
| Token: | [waits a second] It actually aired last night. |
| Kyle: | You found a network to buy it? |
| Token: | Yeah, but don't worry. It didn't do so good. We got killed in the ratings by Honey Boo Boo. |
| Cartman: | What? That little bitch beat me in the ratings?! Oh HELL NO! |
| Token: | Well it was only our first show of the season, so you really can't- |
| Cartman: | [begins riding around] I don't give a shit, dude! Nobody beats my ratings! Get me a plane ticket! That bitch is going down! [turns around and rides out of the office] |
 | |
| Announcer: | We welcome you to the First Lady's Symposium on Obesity, with your keynote speaker, Michelle Obama. [the audience applauds] |
| Michelle Obama: | Our country is in the midst of an epidemic. Recently a very big conflict was brought to my attention. [Kyle is present, which means Cartman didn't fly alone] A conflict that illustrates without a doubt what should be our nation's number one priority. What will we do as a country? I cannot give you any easy answers. But what I can give you, is what we've all been waiting for! Honey Boo Boo versus Fatty Poo Poo! >[the audience cheers loudly as the bell rings and two men pour sketti and butter onto the grass with five-gallon pots. Token is at Cartman's corner and Mama is at Honey's corner] |
| Cartman: | [making 8's with his Rascal and itching for a fight] You're goin' down, bitch! [also in attendance are Butters, Stan, Kevin, and Craig] Nobody takes my ratings! |
| Token: | That's good, Fatty, get pissed! |
| Cartman: | I'm pissed! |
| Token: | Yeah, Fatty! |
| Cartman: | Yeah, I'm fat andn I'm pissed! |
| Mama: | [clapping] Ain't nobody can beat my Boo Boo at sketti wrestlin'! [meanwhile, Honey Boo Boo is striking poses and blowing kisses non-stop] |
| Michelle Obama: | Let's do this! [the contestants approach each other in the center of the sketti ring as the audience cheers and applauds wildly. Cartman suddenly rushes at her and sideswipes her] |
| Honey Boo Boo: | [falling to the ground] Ow! |
| [Cartman looks back, then turns around and rides up to Honey Boo Boo as she gets up, then bumps her down again. The audience is disappointed at this. She gets up much faster this time and waits for Cartman to make his move. He rushes at her again, but she jumps onto him and delivers a flurry of punches at his face. Kyle walks around looking lost. Honey Boo Boo succeeds in knocking Cartman over and he's on his side. Honey delivers several kicks to Cartman's head and begins to squeal like a pig. The audience is cheering for Honey Boo Boo, and she responds by blowing kisses at it. Cartman rights himself up with the tip assist device] | |
| Cartman: | I ain't done with you, bitch! |
| Man: | Yeah! Tip assist! |
| [The S.S. Cameron. Static fills the speakers as communicatiion between the ship and the bathysphere is lost] | |
| Crewman 2: | You think he's dead? [the first crewman wakes up] |
| Crewman 3: | I hope so. |
| James Cameron: | S.S. Cameron! This is James Cameron! I've found it! My God I found the bar! [the crewmen begin to stir. Soon they're all gathered at the computer monitor] Divert all power to sub systems! Two percent oxygen left! [the bethysphere rises quickly, followed by a long cable] The bar is too heavy! Aaaaagh! Come on you bitch! |
| Crewman 4: | Well I'll be damned. |
| [The symposium. Cartman is dragging Honey Boo Boo across the sketti by her hair, then lets go. Stan approaches Kyle, who's seated at a curb nearby] | |
| Stan: | Dude, you okay? [Honey Boo Boo gets up, and Cartman turns back to strike her down again] |
| Kyle: | I've been thinking, how did shamelessness get to this? [Honey Boo Boo gets up again and looks at Cartman, and he strikes her down once again] Did it start with fat people on scooters? [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] Or did the bar get lowered way before that? [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] And then I started thinking, maybe it was us. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] I don't know, but maybe somehow, we lowered the bar, a long time ago. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] And now we're all sittin' here in the stink of it all. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] There's no going back, Stan. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again. Two men walk up behind Stan and Kyle, and pass by them] |
| Man 2: | Rrrgh it's like, I can't explain it. I just suddenly feel like this isn't right. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again. Stan notices the men] |
| Man 3: | I don't know why we were watchin' that garbage in the first place. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] |
| Kyle: | [catches a hint of what the men were talkiing about] Huh? |
| Aide: | [Michelle Obama looks a little faint] Ms. Obama, are you, uh, ma'am? Are you okay? |
| Michelle Obama: | Something's wrong. This... This is all wrong! [runs into the sketti ring] Stop! Everyone! What are we doing?! How can you let this happen to your daughter?! |
| Mama: | I don't know, I... How did I let myself go like this? What have I done?? |
| Man 4: | When did we devolve into watching fat kids sketti wrestling? |
| Michelle Obama: | We need to realize obesity is an epidemic. But it's not a disease. From now on I'm going to dedicate this administration to FIGHTING childhood obesity! [turns to Cartman and begins punching away at him] |
| Cartman: | [amid some ows and grunts] Bitch! [Michelle Obama finally punches him off his Rascal. She picks it up over her head, then smashes it into the ground, breaking it. She then kicks Cartman in the stomach for good measure.] |
| Token: | What the hell is going on? |
| Kyle: | I don't know. I think... we've been given another chance. |
| [The S.S. Cameron, day. The bathysphere has been retrieved and the hatch opens. James Cameron climbs out of it and comes down to the deck to meet theh crewmen.] | |
| Crewman 5: | Hey Cameron, we can't believe it. |
| James Cameron: | We're done here! Set course for the set of Avatar 2 |
| Crewman 6: | Mr. Cameron. [Cameron stops] People should know. How you saved us all? How you raised the bar? How will they know what a hero you are? |
| James Cameron: | [turns around] James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. [turns around and walks a few feet, then turns around again] James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is... James Cameron. [the crew applauds him as he enters the bridge] |
| Singers: | His name is James (James) Cameron, the bravest pioneer. No budget too steep no sea too deep Who's that? It's him! James Cameron. |
| [End of Raising The Bar.] |