Stan
Kyle
Butters
Jimmy
Leslie
Nathan
PC Principal and his Bros, including Brad, Topher, and McKinsey
Mr. Mackey
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Stephen Stotch
Gerald Broflovski
Mr. Garrison
Officer Barbrady
Principal Victoria
Rancher
Agents
Anchor Tom
Blonde
Ladies
Caitlyn Jenner
Geico Representative
Hillary Clinton
Moderator
Computer
| [South Park Elementary, day. Kids are filing into school. Inside, they go to their lockers and switch out books.] | |
| PC Principal: | [off-screen, but you can hear him slamming lockers shut] Who was it?! Somebody's about to get their asses kicked! [a bunch of kids run screen right.] When I find out who did this! |
| Butters: | [runs into view towards the other fourth graders] PC Principal is on the warpath! Run for your lives! [turns right and runs down another hallway] |
| Stan: | [to Kyle] Again? |
| Kyle: | Oh Jesus, now what? |
| PC Principal: | [appears at screen left and walks towards the fourth graders.] Who was it?! Huh?! Somebody better fess up RIGHT NOW! I'm gonna find out who did this! [Kyle coses his locker and begins to walk away. PC Principal notices] Broflovski! Was it you? |
| Kyle: | Was what me, sir? |
| PC Principal: | I just saw a copy of the school newspaper in which a student used the word "retarded" to refer to our cafeteria lunch policy! The word "retarded" does not belong in our school!! Who is in charge of the school paper?! 'Cause I'm about to break their fuckin' legs! |
| Stan: | Aaah, he's in charge of the school paper. [points to his right. PC Principal turns left and faces... Jimmy. PC Principal is speechless.] You gonna break his legs, PC Principal? |
| [Principal's office, moments later. PC Principal faces Jimmy.] | |
| PC Principal: | Alright, uhh, I I guess we haven't formally met before. Uhh, the reason I need to toalk with you, Jason, is because of a very important- |
| Jimmy: | It's Jimmy, actually. My name is Jimmy, PC Principal. |
| PC Principal: | Alright, Jim. Thank you. I want to talk to you today about the use of the R word in your school paper. [holds up the paper, on which the subject on the front page is chocolare milk being removed from the school menu, "LEAVE OUR CHOCOLATE MILK ALONE"] You see, the R word is very bad. |
| Jimmy: | Says who? |
| PC Principal: | Says me. Right? Now I know a thing or two about the rights of people with disabilities. When you use the R word to descibe the school's lunch policy, it can hurt people's hearts. [places his hand over his heart] Can you understand that at all? |
| Jimmy: | That was an op-ed piece in the paper written by a first grader who found the school lunch policy to be ridiculous, and he thoughtt "r-retarded" to be the best word to describe it. As the editor of the paper, I didn't think it was right to censor the words the student used. |
| PC Principal: | ...Okay, well, from now on I'm gonna need to appprove the school paper before you hand it out, okay? |
| Jimmy: | No. |
| PC Principal: | What'd you say? |
| Jimmy: | You're new here, so you don't understand how seriously I take my job as editor of the school paper. I don't allow ads, and I don't allow anything that might t-t-t-taint the truth behind what people are thinking. i don't want people to be afraid of words if it stops them from having a dialog. |
| PC Principal: | Look, I don't wanna get angry, okay? |
| Jimmy: | Why? Are you uncomfortable around people with disabilities? That's okay. Lot's of people are. |
| PC Principal: | No, I'm not. I am very not uncomfortable. Alright, look, unless I can approve your paper, it is not being distributed on campus, you got that?! |
| Jimmy: | I can't hand out the school paper in school? |
| PC Principal: | Not unless it is approved by me. Do you understand? |
| Jimmy: | Yep, got it. |
| [Neighborhood, day. Jimmy went for distributing the school paper outside of school instead of letting PC Principal approve it for in-school distribution. He appears on a small scooter with small trailer behind him that holds all the papers and begins throwing copies of the paper to all the houses] | |
| Jimmy: | Don't forget to read the school paper! Now delivered directly to your door. [Wendy is the first student to get the paper. Clyde is next] Super School News! [Jimmy smiles and rides away. His seventh delivery is to Butters' house. Stephen opens the door and the paper smacks him in the face. He manages to catch it though. Jimmy goes on to the PC Delta house and tosses a paper there too. A few PC Bros are lounging around outside] |
| PC Bro 10: | What is that, bro? [the front door opens and PC Principal walks out.] |
| PC Principal: | [picks up the paper, takes off the rubber band, and reads it. The headline there: "PC PRINCIPAL'S 'REATRDED' POLICY, by Jimmy Valmer] |
| Jimmy: | [holds up his right middle finger at him] Su-su-su-suck my dick, PC Principal. [rides away. PC Principal's bros look at the principal.] |
| [Iside PC Delta, later. PC Principal barely contains his anger as he paces about] | |
| PC Principal: | Who does this kid think he is?! Challenging me?! I said one microagression to him, okay?! One little microagression! But that doesn't mean I have an uncnonscious bias towards people with disabilities! |
| PC Bro 4: | No way, bro! That's wack! |
| PC Principal: | But why would a person with a disability not see that what I'm trying to do is actually protect them? |
| PC Bro 9: | Sometimes victims of oppression are so marginalized that they begin to sympathize with their oppressors. |
| PC Bro 11: | Yeah bro. |
| PC Principal: | You're right. This kid just needs to be shown he's being an Uncle Abel. I can always count on my PC frat brothers to have my back. Let's go PC! |
| PC Bros: | PC Woo! |
| [The Stotch house, night. Butters' parents are in bed. Stpehen is reading the school paper, Linda is looking at her smartphone.] | |
| Stephen: | Wow. [turns the page] Wow, this is so great. Have you ever read the elementary school newspaper, Linda? There's no ads, no sponsored content, no links to click on. Just news stories about what's happening. [looks at her] Did you know that the police in ShiTpaTown beat up homeless to clear them out? [returns to the paper] Do you know long it's been since I was able to just sit back and read the news? I got so used to getting news off the Internet. But I feel like I'm always trying to chase the news somehow. [sets the paper down on his laps] It's like I'm in a black void, trying to reach the news story. [he's shown doing this in a vacuum] But then the next thing I know I'm reading an ad for Geico. So I click out of that and try to read the news story but it's not a news story. It'sa slide show. [for Android phones] And I'm looking at the worst celebrity plastic surgery jobs ever. So of course I want to see the next line of plastic surgery gone wrong, so I hit the arrow, but then the arrow wasn't the arrow for the next line, it was to take me to an ad for face cream. Haugh! I wanted to get a news story, but I'm reading about face cream and I try to click out of it, but the ad is following me, and it's following me all over the screen! Nooo! So I click on the close buttton, but it wasn't a close button, it was another slide show, and I just want to know what's happening in the Middle East, but instead, I'm looking at the top ten scariest movies of all time, and that's not the arrow for the next line, it's another ad! Aaagh! [comes back to reality] But this... this is just news. And I don't get lost in all the bullshit. Linda? [sees that she's mesmerized and shakes her] Linda! |
| [PC Principal's office, next day. Jimmy is again in there talking to PC Principal] | |
| PC Principal: | Alright Jim, I know you've been trying to wrap your head around some of the social issues he discussed yesterday. I'm sure you're feeling confused and a little unsure of yourelf. |
| Nathan: | I'm not confused at all, actually, PC Principal. |
| PC Principal: | Okay, well, no, you are confused- |
| Nathan: | I'm pretty sure that you're the one, but go haead. |
| PC Principal: | -because you don't grasp the severity of this, and that's why I brought in another young person with disabilities to share his feelings. Thanks for comin' in to talk to us, Nathan. |
| Nathan: | [takes a seat next to Jimmy] I like apples and bananas. |
| PC Principal: | Me too, bro, me too. Nathan, could you tell Jimmy how you feel when people uwe the word "retarded"? |
| Nathan: | It hurts my feelings because I feel bad. |
| Jimmy: | Are you serious right now? |
| PC Principal: | You feel bad, right. You feel like that's a no-no word, right? |
| Nathan: | That word makes my heart piss its pants. |
| PC Principal: | Okay, wow, that's pretty heavy. Pretty heavy, huh Jim? |
| Jimmy: | Do you want to ask him what he means by that, or are you just pandnering because you're uncomfortable around disabled people? |
| PC Principal: | I am not uncomfortable! I simply care about a horrible, outdated word that is exclusive, ignores indiviiduality, and equates intellectual disa-bility with being... [begins to stammer] And it's, and it's, s-spot, I need a spotter, spot me, somebody spot me bro! |
| Topher: | [steps in and puts PC Priincipal's train of thought back on track] And it's, it's part of a derogatory hate speech which fosters isolation and loneliness and being part of a voice to stop the R word is not only right, but extremely important! |
| Nathan: | I'm afraid of bears. [Jimmy is decidedly not convinced of PC Principal's sincerity] |
| [The hallway, later. Nathan is let go first and is walking back to class. Jimmy comes around the corner and catches up to him] | |
| Jimmy: | Hey Nathan, hold up. What were you doing in there? |
| Nathan: | What do you mean, Jimmy? Are you maaad? |
| Jimmy: | Coome on Nathan, you and I both know you use the word "retarded" 400 times a day. |
| Nathan: | Oh Jimmy. So righteous, aren't you? So blind to everything that's going on. |
| Jimmy: | What are you talking about? |
| Nathan: | Do you really think all the changes happening to this town are just coincidence? This goes so much deeper than you can possibly imagine, Jim. Everyone's about to learn the truth. And then... There's a war coming. A war, Jim. And I'm just gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it. |
| Mr. Mackey: | Come on, boys, let's get back to class. |
| Nathan: | I like to smell trees! [walks off.] |
| [Channel 4 News Break.] | |
| Anchor Tom: | An elementary school newspaper is making big waves as more and more people say No to news on the Internet. |
| Rancher: | I read super school news 'cause it don't try and fool me and ots news reports aren't paid for by ad companies. |
| Gerald: | We just feel like this is actual news, and instead of clicking on links, we're reading stories. |
| Stephen: | I had to get away from the ads. I felt like the ads were... evolving somehow. They started knowing what I liked. What I was afraid of. I tried ad blockers, but it seemed like every time I tried to block the ads, they just got smarter. I'm never going back from Super School News. |
| Anchor Tom: | The young editor of the paper claims that since most people now watch news reports on the Internet, they're easily distracted or even fooled by ads, [the camera pulls back to show the news report as a video on Randy's smartphone] which are finding more and more clever ways to disguise them- |
| Randy: | Oooo, brutal celebrity mugshots. [also on the screen, "SoDoSoPa in disrepair" Randy taps on the link, which leads to a slide show of celebrity mugshots which contains 40 images. He taps on the right arrow, and it leads to the first weight-loss ad instead of the next mugshot] O-hoh it got me. Ad got me, Sharon. |
| [The 2015 Presidential Debate] | |
| Announcer: | We now return live to the 2015 Presidential Debate. |
| Moderator: | Our next questin is for you, Mrs. Clinton. Many voters believe that Syrian refugees should not be allowed into our country for security reasons. What do you think? |
| Hillary: | Keeping our country save has become more and more difficult, but I believe there are several things that we can- |
| Garrison: | No! You shut the hell up! You've got a dumpy butt, and seven chins. Syrian refugees are all terrorists! |
| Hillary: | I know that our government needs to take a harder look at all- |
| Garrison: | Yeah well, it's pretty hard to look at you! We can all agree on that! |
| Caitlyn: | [interrupts for a bit] She looks like a donkey took a shit in her face. [goes backstage again] |
| Garrison: | Yeh-hah, good one Caitlyn. See, what I know is that there's only one way to deal with Syrian refugees, and that is... |
| Everyone: | Fuck them all to death! |
| Garrison: | Thank you!! [after the debate Garrison and Caitlyn head backstage laughing] That was hilarious when you called her a pizza face. |
| Caitlyn: | It's like a Papa John's pimple party. |
| Garrison: | Oh, that was classic, Caitlyn. You're the best running mate ever. |
| Principal Victoria: | [the first thing you see is her big hair] Hello, Mr. Garrison. |
| Garrison: | Oh My God... Principal Victoria? |
| Principal Victoria: | [now using a came, walks forward] Congratulations on the polls. We need to talk. [Dramatic music ends Act 1.] |
| [PC Delta house, night. The place is jumping] | |
| PC Bro 12: | [on the sidewalk just left of the entrance] Celebrate diversity! Woooo! |
| PC Bro 13: | [on the balcony, right side] GO PC! |
| [PC Delta house, inside. More partying] | |
| PC Principal: | [walks in with a mic] Alright everyone, listen up. [the music shuts off and everyone falls silent] Tonight is a very special night for the PCs. We're honored to be throwing this event for people with disabilities. [several didabled students are present, like Jimmy, Timmy, Frances, Lenora] I for one am sick of how these amazing kids are marginalized in today's society. but tonight is about learning and healing. So let's get to it! PC! [drops the mic. The other bros echo him and cheer] |
| PC Bro 7: | Hey guys, I'm Brad. I'm PC Arizona State. |
| Jimmy: | Nice to meet you, Brad. Where do you guys-? |
| Brad: | Excuse me a second. [walks over to a pretty brunette and her friend] Hello, ladies. Thanks for coming to our event. |
| Ladies: | Hi. |
| Brad: | We're just tired with the way people with disabilities get treated. Can I get you some alcohol? |
| PC Bro 14: | Yah, you know, it just bugs me when people refer to persons with disabilities as "handicapped." When I hear that word I wanna fuckin' punchh them in the fuckin' face. |
| Blonde: | That's so cool of you, wow. |
| PC Bro 14: | Yeah. [Jimmy walks into view, but no one notices him] To me marginalizing persons with disabilities by asking them what their handicap is, is a microagrassion no better than asking a person of color if they went to college. |
| Blonde: | Wow, you're really progressive. |
| PC Bro 14: | No other way to be. So uh, listen. I think you're really pretty and interesting, and I'd kinda like to take you upstairs and totally crush your pussy. Would that be acceptable to you? |
| Blonde: | [looks away, giggling] Oh well, I, I guess it would. |
| PC Bro 14: | No, I'm sorry, I need affirmative consent. I'll need you to say "Yes, you may take me upstairs and crush my pussy at this time." [PC Bros and their lady guests pari up and dance, some of them making out. Brad dances with two women and makes out with the redhead. Jimmy is the only disabled person left in the room] |
| PC Bros: | PC Bros, PC. Yeah! |
| [Dawn at PC Delta. OC Principal goes knocking on every door in the house] | |
| PC Principal: | McKinsey, you got consent forms? |
| McKinsey: | Oh yeah, right here bro. [hands him the forms through the door] |
| PC Principal: | Rise and shine guys. If you scored last night, I'll need your consent forms. [theh other bros hand him their forms through their doors] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you-whoa! Barker, did you perform cunnilingus? There's a different release form, bro. |
| PC Bro 15: | Yup. Uh, so-, sorry. It's right here. |
| PC Principal: | Nice. |
| PC Bro 11: | [voice only, behind him] Bro! Aw, dude, bro! |
| PC Principal: | What, bro? |
| PC Bro 11: | Dude, I scored with this female and after consenting to putting her mouth on my penis, she wanted me to walk her home. |
| PC Principal: | Yeah? |
| PC Bro 11: | And when I got to her house she had me meet her father who is Filipion, so I asked him if he could tell me about their cultural and social dynamic to being a Filipino-American. |
| PC Principal: | Naturally. |
| PC Bro 11: | So he said some stuff, and then the newspaper landed on his doorstep, 'cause I guess her dad subscribes to the school newspaper, and he picked it up and I saw the headline said this! [thrusts the paper in front of PC Principal. The headline reads "'PC' STANDSD FOR PUSSY CRUSHING"] |
| PC Principal: | [grabs the paper andn reads it] What the fuck is this bro?! |
| PC Bro 11: | Bro, that little kid wrote that our tolerant views and fight for social justice is just a way for us to crush puss! |
| PC Principal: | That's not true!! |
| PC Bro 11: | I know, bro!! We're being totally victimized!! |
| PC Principal: | That little fucking dude! |
| [Jimmy's house, day. someone knocks on his door, he opens it.] | |
| Representative: | Hello. You're the boy responsible for the South Park Super School News? |
| Jimmy: | That's right. |
| Representative: | We would like to give you $26 million. [Jimmy seems interested, so he lets him in. They sit down at the coffee table and the rep opens his briefcase, taking out documents] Contracts, and the first check. We'd love to be in business with you. |
| Jimmy: | What is this for? |
| Representative: | I represent an organization called Geico. It's an insurance company. We think Super School News would be a great way for us to reach new customers. |
| Jimmy: | Sorry Charlie, but I don't allow ads in my newspaper. |
| Representative: | We've heard all about that, so we thought you could just do some ...news stories about car insurance. Just state the facts, because the trurh is, everyone can save by switching to Geico. |
| Jimmy: | That's called "sponsored content." I know the difference between the news and ads. Do you think I'm stupid? |
| Representative: | Everyone's doing it, Jim. You're sort of the last holdout. $26 million just to write some news stories that get people thinking about their insurance coverage? |
| Jimmy: | Us us us, stick it up your ass! |
| Representative: | Hm. [puts the documents back in the briefcase...] Well, they said you'd be tough. [...and brings out a gun and arms it] Do you really think you can stop ads? |
| Jimmy: | Yes. |
| Representative: | You can try to block ads, but they get smarter. The more we ty to shut them out, the more clever they get. There's a war coming, kid, and I'm gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it. [a bullet shoots through his head from behind. killing him where he stands. Blood begins oozing out his mouth. He falls to his knees and then onto the floor. Officer Barbrady is in the doorway, his knees weak, but his gun drawn] |
| Jimmy: | Officer Barbrady? |
| Barbrady: | Come with me if you want to live! [he runs back to is car, but Jimmy is confused. Barbrady returns] Come on! Come with me if you want to live! I'm serious! [runs back to his car] |
| [The Marsh house, day. Randy is in the kitchen browising on his phone when Sharon appears in the kitchen doorway with a copy of the school paper in her left hand] | |
| Sharon: | Do you want to explain to me what pussy crushing is?! |
| Randy: | What? |
| Sharon: | Your little meetings you go to at night to discuss social justice?! [drops the paper on the table. Randy picks it up and reads the front page] It's just a way to pick up on young women?! |
| Randy: | Sh-sharon, most of the guys in my PC club are right out of college, alright? You know how college kids are. Who wrote this? |
| Sharon: | I don't want you going over there anymore! |
| Randy: | [stands up] I don't cheat on you, Sharon! I'm happy. Look at what's happened to our town. We have ShiTpaTown, boutique restaurants and artisan shops. We have a fucking Whole Foods, and that was all me! Diverse people are moving here, and everyone is being aware of how they talk. This is paradise, Sharon! |
| Sharon: | [gets in his face] Is it? [turns right and walks out towards the living room, then turns around] All I know is that you've changed. Every since you joined this PC thing you just bully people. And wait for people to say anythi8ng improper so you can jump down their throats for whatever words he or she used. |
| Randy: | He or she is an agenderphobic microagressions, Sharon. You are a bigot. [Sharon turns around and walks away again while he resumes reading the paper.] |
| [A meetiing room next to the interrogation room. The agent is there with six other agents, all looking at Jimmy. Officer Barbrady stands off to the side against the wall.] | |
| Agent: | The average human can no longer tell the difference between the news and an ad. You seem to have some mental ability that allows you to know the difference. |
| Jimmy: | Does this have to do with me calling the school principal a pussy crusher? |
| Agent: | The PC People are simply being manipulated, unwittingly setting the table for the new enemy of humanity. |
| Jimmy: | You mean ISIS or ninjas? |
| Agent: | [stands up] Something... much worse. [turns away] Have you ever felt like an ad had... intelligence? That it somehow knew what you wanted, even before you knew you wanted it? [] What if I were to tell you that ads have become smarter than us? And now they're manipulating everything we do? |
| Jimmy: | I'd say that sounds pretty retarded. |
| Agent: | [walks to Jimmy's end of the table, then veers away] It was our own fault. Mankind became tired of ads, so we kept inventing ways to make things ad-free. We even created ad blockers. That's when the ads had to adapt. They had to disguise themselves as news in order to survive. |
| Jimmy: | Sponsored content? |
| Agent: | If you really cab tell the difference, then you could be the key to saving our species, Jimmy. We'd like to run a test on you. |
| [Sponsored Content, Test 17-B] | |
| Computer: | Sponsored Content, Test 17-B, Ready. Gegin. [a series of news articles pop up onscreen, and Jimmy has to discen whether it's news or advertisement. "Doctor Found Dead In Apartment"] |
| Jimmy: | That's the news. ["Dental Problems on the Rise"] That's an ad. ["Missile Test Lights Up The Sky"] That's the news. ["Vermont Experiencing Heavy Snow"] That's an ad. [a different agent clicks through the articles for him] That's tne news. That's an ad. That's an ad. That's tne new-oh no, that's an ad for act food. My bad. |
| Agent: | Jesus Christ, he's off the charts. |
| Agent 2: | Increase the intensity. |
| Jimmy: | ["Man Arrested for Murder of Entire Household"] That's the news ["Price of Precious Metal Rises Due To War"] That's an ad. News. Ad. Ad. Ad. Ad. Ad. News. News. Ad. Ad. Slideshow. Ad. [The test ends and the computers wind down. Jimmy's chair is pulled away from the main computer on a track.] |
| Agent: | That's a perfect score. You are a very special child, Jimmy. |
| Jimmy: | I prefer "handicapped," actually. |
| Agent: | We have another child here who's special too. [a metal security shield comes down to reveal a window, and a girl on the other side of the window.] Do you know... Leslie? [she notices him on the other side of the glass and looks at him] |
| [PC Delta house. The PC Bros are putting up yellow tape saying "SAFE SPACE - DO NOT CROSS" on it.] | |
| PC Principal: | [steps outside to survey the work] Alright, that's good. Everyone get inside. Everything past here is safe space. [thte bros start going inside] No reporters, no harassment. We are gonna figure this shit out. [PC Principal closes the door behind himself. Once inside, everyone is sitting around in silence. PC Principal finally speaks] All I know is that I don't speak up for minorities so that I can crush pussy. |
| PC Bro 16: | Me neither, dude. I want social justice and now I'm being made fun of. |
| PC Bro 17: | Yeah bro. They're taking our incredibly tolerant views and distorting them. |
| PC Principal: | PC people are under attack. That's what this is. |
| PC Bro 18: | Hey yeah. Bro! We're the victims now. Like, we're being marginalized. Like... that makes us pretty cool. |
| Topher: | Yeah, I bet now we can get a lot more puss. |
| PC Principal: | No, Topher! It's not about puss, alright?! The fuck is wrong with you?! We'rebeing labeled as meatheads who just wanna crush puss by an intolerant newspaper! |
| PC Bro 16: | [now standing] Yeah, fuck that dude, bro! |
| PC Principal: | Yeah. And like, if you're gonna belittle and make fun of PC people like that, then who's to say he won't do it to other marginalized groups like us? I mean, this kid could be the next Hitler. And if you guys could stop Hitler, what would you do? |
| PC Bro 9: | I'd rip that dude apart and then go home and totally smash some puss, bro. |
| Other Bros: | Hell yeah! |
| PC Principal: | Nooo! |
| [The interrogation room. Jimmy now sits opposite Leslie] | |
| Leslie: | You look familiar. Don't you go to my school? |
| Jimmy: | Yes. Uh, I'm Jimmy. Editor In Chief of Super School News. [smiles] |
| Leslie: | I'm Leslie. |
| Jimmy: | N, nice to finally talk to you. |
| Leslie: | Did they bring you in and give you a bunch of tests too? |
| Jimmy: | Yes, they did. Do you know who "they" are? |
| Leslie: | I think they're ex-newsmen. You know, the men in suits who used to be in charge of the news. [the men are listening in on this conversation] |
| Jimmy: | I thought I recognized them. |
| Leslie: | They told me I was special. Are you special too? |
| Jimmy: | I prefer "handicapped." |
| Leslie: | [a hiccup] I like that. |
| [Mr. Garrison's campaign office.] | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Principal Victoria, if everything you've said is true, then, why doesn't anyone know about it? |
| Principal Victoria: | Ther are people who know. But they have to stay very hidden. |
| Mr. Garrison: | I'm just havin' a hard time swallowing all this. And between me and this one over here, we can swallow just about anything. |
| Caitlyn: | [scoffs] Oh God, you're such an asshole. |
| Principal Victoria: | Mr. Garrison, I wasn't fired. I was replaced. This goes much higher than anyone knows. |
| [PC Principal's office, day. He's now the one explaining things to ... someone] | |
| PC Principal: | I came to this town really thinking I could make a difference. I've been called a bigot towards persons with disabilities. I've been called... [stops for an instant] Pussy-crusher, because of the behavior of a very few individuals in my PC frat. [Nathan is shown] Jimmy Valmer is off the school newspaper. I want you to take over. |
| Nathan: | Ooooh boy! |
| PC Principal: | And I will be reviewing your paper to make sure nobody is ever attacked the way I was again. |
| Nathan: | I think this will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. |
| PC Principal: | Jimmy almost made me lose confidence, but I know who I am. I know what I am! |
| PC Bro 11: | [voice only] Dude! Bro! [runs into the principal's office] Oh, bro, I went online to read a news story about immigrants being discriminated against. |
| PC Principal: | Yeah? |
| PC Bro 11: | Well, and so I clicked on the headline and it turned out to be an ad for Reddi-Wip. so then I clicked on the btton to make it go away, but then it was a link to another ad, and when i tried to cancel that, another window came up, and it was this! [approaches the desk and shows PC Principal what's on the screen.] |
| PC Principal: | Dude! [stands up and whips his glasses off] What the fuck, bro? |
| PC Bro 11: | Waht does this mean, dude?? |
| PC Principal: | Bro! What the fuck, bro?! |
| [Back at the interrogation room...] | |
| Leslie: | Do you like our school, Jimmy. |
| Jimmy: | Uh yes, Leslie, I loke our school very much. |
| Leslie: | I like our school too. I like the kids who go there. |
| Jimmy: | Uuuuh huh. I'm starting to wonder something about you, Leslie. |
| Leslie: | I'm starting to wonder about you. I mean, you seem like a nice kid, but... don't you feel like you could be happier? [this sets off an alarm in him] |
| Jimmy: | Holy. Shit. |
| Leslie: | What? |
| Jimmy: | Can you excuse me for a moment? |
| Leslie: | Okay. [Jimmy leaves the room for a moment] |
| Agent: | Well Jimmy? What do you think? |
| Jimmy: | [looks over his shoulder] Does she know she's an ad? |
| Agent 3: | He can spot them. |
| Jimmy: | Does she know she's an ad?! |
| [PC Delta house, night. PC Principal is looking at his monitor, on which is the same picture he saw at school. It's the same picture as that of Naughty Ninjas, but with additional details. The camera pans out to reveal that the picture is part of a State Farm insurance ad.] | |
| PC Principal: | [softly, looking truly victimized now] What the hell is going on, bro?! |
| PC Bro 19: | [stops by and checks in on him] Bro? |
| PC Principal: | Bro, what the hell is going on, bro?! |
| [Caitlyn Jenner's car, Washington D.C., night.] | |
| Principal Victoria: | If we're going back, remember: we don't know who we can trust. |
| Mr. Garrison: | If they wanna mess with my town, I'll fuck every last one of them! Let's do this! |
| Caitlyn: | Buckle up, buckaroos! [revs up the motor and drives off] |
| [End of Sponsored Content.] |