Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Butters
Kenny
Jimmy
Leslie
Nathan
Mr. Garrison
Mr. Mackey
Principal Victoria
Teacher
Randy, Sharon, and Shelley Marsh
Officer Barbrady
Caitlyn Jenner
Clerk
Newsman David
Kevin Jarvis
Newsman (Rick)
Newsman 2
Newsman Tom
Rancher
Reporter (Bill Keegan)
Stephen Stotch
Survey worker
| [South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade, day. The new teacher is writing out a lesson on adverbial clauses on the chalkboard] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Teacher: | Alright guys, now let's go back and talk about infinitives [begins writing the lesson on that subject]. Remember, those are verbs combined with the work "to." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | [yawns and whispers to Kyle] Oh my fucking God... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Teacher:: | Now, usually an infinitive acts like a noun, as in "I wans TO go out to eat" or [Cartman tugs on Kyle's pen, making him mess up, and smiles. Kyle pulls the pen away. Cartman pulls again] "I hope TO be chosen today." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | What? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | I'm so bored, dude. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Teacher: | Now usually, it isn't commmon to split TO and the verb, but sometimes you can, [Cartman pulls the pen out of Kyle's hand and throws it away], | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Knock it off! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Teacher: | as in-. Is there a problem, guys? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Go get my pen, fatass! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | I am not your slave, Kyle. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Go get my pen! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Mackey: | [over the PA system] Attention, students. Kyle Broflovski report to the Principal's office please? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Carmtan: | [laughs] PC Principal wants to see you, Kyle! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Mackey: | Kyle Broflovski to the Principal's office please, okay? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Goddamnit! [leaves his seat] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | Have fun, dude. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The Principal's office. Kyle arrives and sighs heavily before going in. At the desk, Mr. Mackey is looking through some drawers, but PC Principal isn't there.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Mackey: | [looks up surprised] Oh, Kyle. [sits down on the chair and looks fearful] Uhh, uhh, thank you for coming. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Where's PC Principal? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Mackey: | I think he's finally lost it, Kyle. He and his PC buddies are on a hunger strike and, they're calling for people's resignations. Kyle, PC Principal had problems with Jimmy and with Leslie. And now they're missing. Okay? Nobody knows where they are. That's what happens. You go against PC, and you just end up missing. Okay? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | What are you talking about? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Mackey: | PC Principal had issues with them. Okay? And he had issues with you, Kyle. Whatever's goin' on, it's pretty damn scary. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [Montage. First, programming code appears onsreen, then Jimmy] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | For years, mankind has tried to tid the world of ads. For our ancestors, ads couldn't be avoided. Buteveryone knew what was an ad, and what wasn't. After many years, mankind invented cable. A way to p-pay for television so there would be no ads. But somehow, the ads still found a way. And so mankind invented Tivo. A way to skip past commercials. Finally, it appeared to be the end of ads. And everywhere, people rejoiced. The ads were stopped. Or so it seemed. With he rise of the Internet suddenly the ads got an en- tirely new way to attaack us. Popups. The tope scientific minds were brought together to find a way to stop the ads, once and for all. They invented the ad blocker. Suddenly there were no ads on phones, on computers. And everywhere, people rejoiced. The ads adapted. They became s-smarter. They disguised themselves as news. All around the world people read news stories completely unaware that they were reading ads . And now, the ads have taken the next step in their evolution. They have taken human form. Ads are among us. They could be your friend, your g-gardener. The ads are trying to wipe us out. But the question is... how? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The Marsh house, dinner. All the family is there.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | So, um, ahem, South Pkar kind of sucks now. You guys wanna bail? [everyone else but Grandpa are stunned at this and stop eatiing.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | What?! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Shelley: | What are you talking about?! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | It's just, you know, it used to be nice and laid-back here, but now it's all [puts his palms forward] Uuuuhhh, you know? Like like now everybody's all Uuhh-uuhhh. Let's bail. You wanna bail, Stan? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | No, I don't. [Randy lowers his head and looks at his food,] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The master bedroom, after dinner. Randy is pacing back and forth across the room whil eSharon stands with her arms crossed looking at him] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | What's going on, Randy? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Nothing! I just... You know, we don't have to live here, we can live anywhere. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | Last month, all you could talk about was how great this town had become. What changed your mind? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | [stops and looks away] ...We can't afford it. [Sharon's jaw drops] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | We can't afford it?? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | All these fancy new restaurants and shops and, [sits on the edge of the bed] everyone wabts to live here! A bowl of City beef costs ten bucks now, for Christ's sake. And there's nowhere to shop but stupid Whole Foods! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | [crosses her arms] Well, we'll just have to stop going to those places. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | I had to take out a second mortgage on the house. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | You [uncrosses her arms] what?? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | [gets up, runs to her, and holds her shoulders] I had to, Sharon! It isn't my fault! It's the Man. Don't you see? The Man... ir pricing us out of our own town. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The newsmen's headquarters. Leslie is in the interrogation room, while Jimmy looks in from the meeting room.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | [faces the newsmen] It's just my luck. I talk to a nice girl, seem to hit it off, and she turns out to just be an ad. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Well, that's what an ad does. She was designed to entice, and amnipulate. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | This is such a fantastic story for the school newspaper. Why don't we just run it so that everyone knows the truty? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Jimmy, we're newsmen, like you. For decades we used our soft buttery voices to inform the people about what's happening. Then we watched as our entire industry was taken over by the ads. [the newsman to his right lowers his head and looks at the table] Some of our colleagues were manipulated into doing the ads' bidding. The man who came to your house with a gun was one of them. Our own Kevin Jarvis has more. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kevin: | Thanks, Tom. Jimmy, the man who tried to kill you was Brian Bouyant, of WXNR, Fort Collins. When he saw there was no money in news anymore he sided with the ads, even though he knew it meant the destruction of our species. Bkac to you, Tom. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Thanks, Kevin. The only hope for the truth to get out there, Jimmy, is for you to see through this ad's deception and to find out what they're planning. Your Super School News was a threat to them. But unless you get this little bitch to talk, we may never know why. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [South Park Elementary, hallwy, day. Kenny and Stan walk into view, spot Kyle, and walk over to him. Stan is carrying a copy of the school newspaper] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Dude, Kyle. Will you look at this? [shows him the paper, which has a report on PC Principal sending Jimmy and Leslie on a Disney Cruise] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | "Principal Sends Two Favorite Students On A Disney Cruise. This week, students Jimmy Valmer and Leslie Meyers are being treated to an all-expenses-paid vacation for their oustanding schol-" what the hell is this? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | It doesn't make any sense, dude. PC Principal is using the school paper to cover something up. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Yeah I... Ah I don't wanna get involved. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | You don't wanna get involved? Dude, what's wrong with you? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | I've already learned you can't win against PC Principal. You should know of all people since he converted your dad. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | What's that supposed to mean? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | [runs up with Cartman] Fellas! We found out what happened to Jimmy! He got to go on a vacation for being an exemplary student. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | That is not what happened! Something is very wrong here! We all have to stand up to PC Principal together! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | Yeah, and wasn't Jimmy the one in charge of the school newspaper? So who's putting this out? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The school newsroom. Nathan is at the computer typing random letters on the keyboard.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Nathan: | I like the school paper. I like to type with my hands. [/the camera then shows Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters in the room watching Nathan.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Who told you that the principal sent Jimmy on a Disney Cruise? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Nathan: | Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. UhhhhhhhhhhhhI don't remember. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | You have quotes in here from Jimmy. Did you talk to him? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Nathan: | Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. UhhhhhhhhhhhhI like the school paper. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | [the boys look at each other] Come on, we'll get to the bottom of this. [they head out] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Nathan: | [some seconds later] Did I do good, computer? [touches the screen] I think the sponsored content fooled them. I hope I made you happy. Can you see me, computer? Do you know what I'm thinking right now? [a porn popup windows appears] Ahh, thanks, computer. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The edge of town. Caitlyn, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Garrison have arrived and park on the side of the road to look at the town.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Principal Victoria: | We have to make sure nobody recognizes us. There's no telling who works for who. Here, Caitlyn, I got you this fake mustache to put on. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Caitlyn: | I'm not putting on a mustache, I'll look silly. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Garrison: | Oh, that, that's where you draw the line, huh Caitlyn? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Caitlyn: | Don't be an asshole. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Garrison: | No, you're right, that's nnnuts! A woman wearing a mustache, that's just ridiculous, huh Cait? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Caitlyn: | Alright alright, I'll put it on, fuck. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Garrison: | No no, please, Cait, don't put on a fake mustache, that's c-razy. [Caitlyn puts it on] You don't want people thinking you're a weirdo, I mean, Jeez. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Caitlyn: | [taps him gently like a kitten] You-hur such an asshole. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [ShiTpaTown, day. A shopper leaves Whole Foods with two bags of groceries and is promptly run over by Caitlyn. Nobody bats an eye. Garrison and Victoria step out, followed by Caitlyn] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Garrison: | What the hell is this? What have they done to my town?! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Principal Victoria: | Keep your voice down. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Garrison: | Since when do we have a flippin' Whole Foods?! [they walk towards it] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Principal Victoria: | Everything's changed. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Survey worker: | [stops the three of them] Hi there, you got a minute for gay rights? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Garrison: | Gay rights? Jeez, you've alrady got all those. What the hell do you wanna do now? [the three walk on in] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [Whole Foods. The clerk at checkout 5 is finished with Mr. Stotch's purchases] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Clerk: | All right, your total is a hundred twenty six thirty nine, and would you likek to give a dollar to help hungry children get iPads to protect your Internet safe space today? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stephen: | I will. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Garrison: | What the Sam Hell is goin' on?! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The interrogation room. Jimmy and Leslie face off again.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | Why would anyone think that I'm on the principal's side? I hate the principal. I think he's a dick. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | So you don't know anything about the principal that might be newsworthy? Super School News worthy? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | Just that he hated me and called me a blabbermouth. I don't think I'm a blabbermouth. I just like talking to people. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | [clears his throat] Leslie, what kind of... plans do you have? Do you have any... plans? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | What kind of plans? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | Just, you know, plans. Like what are you hoping tooo... accomplish? [the newsmen watch from themeeting room] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | I don't know. What are your plans? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | Well, I want to pursue careers in both news reporting and comedy. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | Really? That's... different. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | Yeah, you're pretty different yourself, Leslie. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | How so? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The meeting room. Officer Barbrady is still bearing witness while Jimmy sits at the table with the newsmen] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | I'm starting to think that maybe all ads aren't so bad. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Jimmy, you're thinking with your dick. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | I am not thinking with my dick. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Yes you are. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | No, I just think that she's a- | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Put your dick away. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | She's ag- emotional, | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Jim. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | interesting, caring girl. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Jimmy, that's your dick talking. [Jimmy stays quiet] Believe me, I know how you feel. Ads promise us things. Ads are perfect. But make no mistake: [speaks slowly] all ads lie. And all ads deceive. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [Kyle's room, afternoon. Kyle is at his computer browsing the Web and looking at Twitter and Instagram.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | There. Leslie's Instagram and her Twitter. Last entry was ten days ago. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | What about Jimmy's? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Jimmy never used that stuff, remember? He said he hated using the Internet. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | How do you hate the Internet? That's like hating titties. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | What are you doing now? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | I'm just looking for any news articles or anything about PC Principal. [his cumputer is recording the conversation] Where did you say PC Principal was from? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | I think it was Vermont. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Maybe there's something from the news in Vermont that could give us a clue about- [an ad for a Vermont vacation pops up] Goddamnit what the hell is this?! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | That's an ad for skiing in Vermont. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | Wow that looks fun! [Kyle closes the popup and tries again. A couple of windows later, he gets a news article] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Dude. Dude, look at this. "How PC Culture is changing Vermont from a state of intolerance to a s-" [a popup ad for a guitar appears] Dude there it is again! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kenny: | (What?) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | It's that goddamned guitar! This ad is fucking following me! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Just click out of it. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | I'm tring! Goddamnit get over here! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | That's a pretty sweet-looking guitar. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | [looks at Stan] It is pretty cool dude, it tunes itself. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | How does it do that? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | It's this compnay that does all kinds of hi-tech instruments. See look, I'll show you. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Oh that's sweet. Send me the link to that so I can- [a popup ad for Victor Frankenstein appears] Oh dude that new Frankenstein movie is out. I totally wanna see that. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | That movie's gonna suck dude. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Hit the arrow, I wanna see where it's playing. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | [click] OH. Sorry, wrong arrow button. [a popup ad for Fun Cream ice cream appears] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | Wow, what kind of ice cream is that? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [At an ice cream parlor, later on. They're in a booth laughing at something] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | So Clyde said to Token, "Why don't you open a bank account with your mouth so I can deposit my dick in it?" [the boys laugh] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | So then what'd Token say? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | Well Token was all like- | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Wait wait wait wait wait whoa, whoa. What the hell are we doing? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | Eating ice cream, dipshit. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | But what about Jimmy? We were all like totally trying to find out what happened to him. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Whoa, what the hell just happened? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | We got distracted. We've gotta get back to that computer! [The boys split for the computer without their ice cream, except to Cartman, who takes his... and a couple of seconds later, Kenny's] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [Skeeter's Wine Bar, day. Skeeter is serving up drinks] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Skeeter: | Now this here is a dry Riesling. You're gonna experience vanilla aftertones and a nutty finish. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rancher: | You mean like someone put their balls in the glass? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Skeeter: | No, like chestnuts, damnit! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rancher: | I just can't keep up with this town no more. Everything's gettin' all nice and fancy. I swear I'm gonna need to get a second mortgage on the ranch just to pay muh daily expenses. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Don't you get it? That's just what they want. Nobody cares about the people who lived here before. They want us to move, 'cause they wanna knock our houses down and build more lofts and villas! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Skeeter: | Alright Randy, you should probably lay off the old vine Châteauneuf-du-Pape. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | [now by Stuart's table] You'll all see! Pretty soon everyone who used to live here is gonna have to move. And we'll be shopping at Safeway again. [sets his glass down on the table and walks out the door] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The sidewalk in front of Skeeter's. Randy walks down the street thinking to himself...] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy (singing): | Where has my town gone? Where has- [a leg kicks him across the face] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Oooff! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Caitlyn: | You like apples? [punches him in the belly, causing him to groan] How d'you like them apples? [hauls hiim into the alley] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Hey, it's Caitlyn Jenner! [Caitlyn slams Randy against a wall face first] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | Check his ass! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Principal Victoria? [Caitlyn pulls down Randy's panats and briefs to reveal the PC sign] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Victoria: | He's one of them. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | One of what? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | Caitlyn. [Caitlyn punches Randy hard in the ribs. He groans and collapses onto the ground.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The meeting room. Jimmy and Leslie face off yet again.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | Okay Leslie, let's try a different approach. Let's say you wanted tooo... destroy the entire species. How would you go about it? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | Why would I want to destroy an entire species? You have the wrong idea about me, Jimmy. The person trying to change things and make things terrible is the new principal. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | And what is the new principal trying to do, Leslie? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | He's trying to make sure that people like you and me aren't allowed to exist. I know that you're trying to help. I know that the newsmen in there are trying to help too. [Kevin glances back at Tom] But now I'm going to tell you something very important, Jimmy. [the newsmen lean in towards the monitors. A popup car ad appears, and they can't see or hear what Leslie is saying.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The meeting room] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Chevy Ad: | [a driver walks up to his truck and plays with his dog] Like a rock. I drive a Chevy, I'm a cowboy, And I drive it like a rock. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | What the hell is that? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kevin: | Tom, it looks like a popup ad. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | How did an ad get in here? Let's go to David at the network hub. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| David: | No answers here, Tom. We're trying to correct the problem. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The interrogation room. The room is now bathed in red light, a sign that the room is secure and no one can see or hear what's going on inside from outside] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | You have to get me out of here, Jimmy. They're going to kill me. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | What? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | Listen to me carefully and don't look at the glass. I feel something for you I have never felt before. I think it's trust. The men in there are sick with hatred and as soon as they realize I have no information they are going to burn me. I've seen them do it to others. Please, you have to help me, Jimmy. Don't let them hurt me. Please don't abandon me. When the lights go back on just look at me and smile. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The meeting room] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | David, any word on the popup ad situation? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| David: | Tom, we've just about got it fixed. It should be ready now. [the newsmen turn to look at the monitors, and Leslie is dhown] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | And that's really it, Jimmy. I want to help all of you however I can. [he looks at her, and smiles a second later] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [Foot Vault, a shoe store. The boys are getting fitted for new shoes and enjoying themselves. They had gone to McDonald's and ordered chicken McNuggets and sodas, which they are now consuming in the shoe store] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | And then Token tells Clyde that if his mouth was a bank, Clyde's mom would have already deposited her dick in it. Which is hilarious because Clyde's mom is dead. [the boys burst out laughing aga7in] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Wait wait wait wait whoa whoa. What the hell are we doing? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | We're tryin' on shoes and eatin' chicken nuggets, stupid. What do you think? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | No. That's not what we set out to do. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | We were... We were on Cartman's computer looking up news stories about PC Principal. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | Didn't we finish doing that? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | No, we didn't. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | It's like... someone's trying to... distract us. [looks suspiciously at Stan] Because they're worried what we'll uncover about PC people. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Yeah, like one of us is purposefully trying to keep us from digging too deep because they're afraid. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Why are you looking at me? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Why are you looking at me? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | Why isn't anyone looking at me? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [Park Motel, day. Caitlyn's car is parked over two people in front of Room 10. Caitlyn closes the blinds. Mr. Garrison splashes some water onto Randy] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Hey, fuck you. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | Wake up, dickhead! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | [opens hi eyes] Garrison? The hell is wrong with you?! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | I'll tell you what's wrong with me! There's enemies to humanity out there wantin' to put an end to all of us, and there's assholes like you helpin' them out! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | I don't know what you're talking about. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Victoria: | Whose idea was it to revitalize the shitty part of town into an arts and foods 77district called ShiTpaTown? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | [looks around for a few seconds and fesses up] Alright, it was kind of my idea. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | Son of a bitch! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | What? To take one area of town that was rappy and gentrify it for the local people to enjoy? I thought we could keep it contained. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Victoria: | It doesn't contain. What's happened to South Park is happening everywhere. [brings out a photo book and flips through some pictures] Thirty miles south of here in the town of Fairplay, they've changed the area north od Downtown into NoDoFoPa. A rundown area south of the capital in Cheyenne, Wyoming, is now historic SoCaCheyWo. Channel Street in mid-Chicago is being revitalized into Chimichanga. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Oh my God. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Victoria: | LoDo, SoBro, RivMo, all happening at the same time. And it isn't just in the U.S. In Cairo, the area northwest of the third pyramid is NoWe3Pi. Three miles north of Auschwitz is NoMoAuchie. It goes on and on! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | What does it mean? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | In our town it all started when PC Principal arrived. He's part of a mjuch larger conspiracy, and you're his lackey. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Not me. If PC Principal has been using us, I'll take the bastard down myself. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The PC Delta house, day. A reporter files this report] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Reporter: | It's day 2 of the hunger strike started by the college-aged fraternity brothers who are demanding that all of South Park's community leaders step down. The PC frat brothers say they've gone now two days without eating any pussy, and will continue to do su until people resign. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Who is that reporter? Do we... know him? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kevin: | Tom, that's Bill Keegan, WCFO. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Thanks, Brian. [Jimmy sneaks past the newsmen in the background] He's working for the ads, obviously. Sellout douchebag. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Newsman: | That's right, Tom. He was always a douchebag at the conventions. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Thannks, Rick. Stay dry. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The interrogation room door opens. Leslie looks up. Jimmy peeks in] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | Leslie, come on. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | Jimmy. You're gonna help me? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | Yeah I'm gonna help you. I mean, come on. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The meeting room. Jimmy and Leslie make it to the entrance, but the soundn of his crutches draw the newsmen's attention] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Jimmy! [Jimmy and Leslie turn around] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Newsman 2: | Oh Jesus, he let her out. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | PC Principal is our enemy, not her. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | His dick is compromised. [spreads his arms out to protect the newsmen] Stay back! [the newsmen and Barbrady step back a few feet] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | It is not my dick. I am thinking rationally and with logic. I am taking her out of here! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Well then, [pulls a gun out of his inside coat pocket and aims it at Jimmy] I'm sorry I'm going to have to do this, Jimmy. [walks over to Barbrady and gives him the gun] Officer Barbrady, we need you to shoot these kids. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Barbrady: | What? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | The ad has got to him. [puts Barbrady into a shooting stance] There's no time to argue. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Barbrady: | I'm not shooting any more kids. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Do you want to save your town?! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | Officer Barbrady, we have to stop PC Principal before it's too late. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Barbrady, shoot them in their heads! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Barbrady: | No! I'm not shooting any more people! Not for you, not for naybody! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | You're making the worst mistake of your life, officer. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Barbrady: | Maybe so. All I know is I'm done shooting people! [his gun goes off and grazes Kevin on his left shoulder, causing it to bleed] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kevin: | Augh! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Barbrady: | Oh sorry. Jeez. [Jimmy and Leslie exit first, then Barbrady follows and closes the door] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | Dammit! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The school cafeteria, lunchtime] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Think about it, you guys. From the moment that PC Principal took over Kyle has been different. Haven't you noticed? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | Yeah. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | He's distracting us, either because he's too afraid or because he- [Kyle arrives with his lunch and sits next to him. Butters is stunned that Kyle showed up] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Well what are you guys talking about? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | Notin'. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | Stan's calling you a traitor. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | What?! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Kyle, I thinnk it's pretty obvious you don't want us investigating PC Principal. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | And why do you think that, Stan?! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | I don't know. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | Because if anyone has a reason for us not mess with PC Principal, it's you! Let's not forget that Stan's dad is PC Principal's little bitch! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butters: | Wuh huh, that's a good point. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | I am loving this right now. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | My dad's stupid, not a bitch! This is about you being scared, Kyle! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | It is you, isn't it?! That's why y ou're trying to shift the blame on me. That's very Cartman of you, Stan! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | Hohh that's low. [smiles] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Don't you dare call me a Cartman! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kyle: | N-ho, that's good! Just keep on distracting everybody! It seems to be working, Cartman! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Fuck you, Kyle! [delivers a left hook and Kyle falls off the lunch bench] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | Fiiight! [the kids gather round to watch. Half of them are cheering them on, the other half stay quiet. Nathan stops by to see what's going on.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The PC Delta house, night. A lone jogger runs by it, only to be mowed down by Caitlyn and her passengers, who all get out of the car and walk towards the house] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | Time to take this asshole down! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | [gets in front of the group] Whoa whoa whoa, guys, whoa! We can't just go walking in there. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | Why not? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | This is a safe space. We're not allowed past this. When you breach a college safe space, you're crossing the most sacred human boundary there is. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Caitlyn: | J'hoh, give me a break. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Nonononono, look, this is very real, and very important in PC culture. Every human has a right to a safe space and it cannot be entereed. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | [determined] I can. Watch. [lifts up the PC tape and walks under and on to the house] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Wow, how did you-? [Principal Victoria and Caitlyn Jenner do the same] Whoa. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The school newsroom, day. Nathan is at the computer typing away very slowly. The camera moves enough to reveal Jimmy and Leslie at the door] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | Burnning the midnight oil, huh Nathan? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | Jimmy. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | You sonofabitch. What have you done to the Super School News? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | I was just holding down the fort while you were away, Jim. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | Writing headlines sponsored by PC Principal and the ads? How much did they pay you?! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | Pleae, Jimmy, I'm just trying to survive here. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jimmy: | Everyone's gonna know the truth, Nathan. We're getting a new edition of the school paper out by morning. Everyone's gonna know all about the ads. [Leslie punches him and he goes flying into a bookcase. She walks over and punches hiim five more times, then turns around and walks off to close the door. She returns and throws him up in the air. He hits the ceiling and falls to the floor. Leslie walks past Nathan, who laughs at Jimmy's misfortune] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Leslie: | Deal with him. [gets on the computer and starts searching]
| Jimmy: | Leslie... I thought we were b-b-b-besties.
| Nathan: | Hey there, big man. Editor of the school paper, huh? You still don't even know hafl the story.
| [PC Delta, later. Caitlyn is moving around like a detective through the lobby]
| Caitlyn: | It's clear.
| Garrison: | Where is evreeybody? I thought the news said they're on a hunger strike.
| Randy: | It doesn't make sense. Someone's always here.
| Victoria: | Take a look at this! [the other three adults walk over to see what she's seeiing - the same State Farm ad of PC Principal and Leslie as before]
| Garrison: | What the hell?
| Victoria: | It looks like he was researching this. You see this news story?
| Garrison: | If this is trute, then... PC Principal's trying to help.
| Randy: | Click on that. What is that?
| Garrison: | No, click out of that. What is this?
| [Foot Vault. Caitlyn, Randy, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Garrison are trying on new shoes, like Stan and friends did befire, and enjoying themselves]
| Garrison: | So, so then, so then Caitlyn says "Look bitch, you're married to Bill Clinton. If anyone should be afraid of AIDS, it's you."
| Caitlyn: | That stupid bitch had it coming. [they all laugh]
| Garrison: | Oh God, I love you, Cait. We're so gong to win the primaries. [they all laugh]
| Randy: | Whoa, whoawhoawhoa wait wait wait. What, waht were we doing again?
| [Kyle's house, evening. The doorbell rings and Kyle goes to answer it. Leslie is outside, shivering]
| Kyle: | Leslie.
| Leslie: | You're trying to find out what's going on, right? But your friend is standing in your way?
| Kyle: | How do you know thi-?
| Leslie: | I can show you what's going on, Kyle. But you have to trust me. [holds out her hand] What's the last four digits of your Sosh?
| Kyle: | 2692 [They shake hands, and he leaves the house with her]
| [End of Truth And Advertising.]
| |