Episode 2004 - Wieners Out

Cast:

Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Butters
Bebe
Charlotte
Clyde
Heidi
Jason
Token
Wendy
Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
Randy Marsh
Stephen Stotch
PC Principal
Troll Hunter (Lennart Betrager)
Announcer
BBC Anchor
Dick
Michael
Richard
Troll 1


[The Alps, day. The troll hunter is speaking]
Troll Hunter:Long ago, in the dim and frozen lands of Scandinavia ther were creatures who wreaked havoc on humanity. The trolls. They dwelled in rocks, in caves, isolated from civilization. The creatures were ugly, fat, and slow-witted, but some could also look and behave like human beings. [a man looks out his second-story window, then pulls back and shuts the window] These were the most dangerous. [the camera zooms in on a group of people standing near the edge of a cliff] Now the creatures have returned. [some of the people carry pictures of Freja Øllengård, and the troll hunter stands in front of them, looking out over the cliff] This time, a thousand miles across the sea. [a satellite camera zooms out from Denmark and pans to the US, zooming in on a random farmhouse. Various trolls are shown at their computers, each with a twisted grin] Today the monsters believe they can go undetected, free to attack and then retreat to the darkness. But in Denmark, we have dealt with the trolls before, and now we shall deal with them... again. [thte last troll shown is Gerald, sitting on the couch. He still has the note from the supermarket, and reads it again. "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE"]
Kyle:[standing by the couch] Dad, can I talk to you?
Gerald:[absentmindedly] Sure, Kyle.
Kyle:All the girls at school are really mad. It's like, one guy gets online and says terrible things about girls and ti reflects badly on all of us.
Gerald:Ah hah.
Kyle:Everyone's sad, everyone's depressed. and nobody knows how to move forward.
Gerald:Good.
Kyle:I guess what I'm saying is, I'm starting to feel a lot of guilt, just for being a boy. How do I not feel that.
Gerald:Sorry, Kyle. I have to meet someone, talk to your mother, I love you. [gets up and leaves with the note. Kyle's lower jaw drops a bit]
[Butters' bedroom, evening. He's videochatting with Charlotte]
Butters:It's been a rough few weeks, baby. The girls are still mad about bein' trolled on the school message board, parents are all freakin' out about the election, and, and I tell ya, you're glad not to be livin' in this country right now.
Charlotte:Butters, I'm sorry, but I told you not to Skype me anymore, right?
Butters:But Charlotte, I love you! I need you! You can't break up with me!
Charlotte:I have to stand with my girlfriends.
Butters:[softly] Oh my God... [voice rising] I can't believe they got to you. Why those slinky snakes in the grass!
Charlotte:Who?
Butters:Why you know who! The girls in my school! They all broke up with their boyfriends and now they got you to go along with them!
Charlotte:This is a time when women amd girls have to stand together!
Butters:So then it's true! You're all snakes in the grass! Every last one of ya! [Charlotte ends the call] Oh, Charlotte? Are you there? Honey?
[The outskirts of South Park. Gerald walks by an abandoned building wearing his regular clothes, an overcoat, cap, and sunglasses, sipping from a Starbucks coffee cup. He approaches the same bridge Heidi dropped her phone from, Freemont Bridge. He descends to the riverbed and approaches someone standing in the shadows. That someone steps into the light, wearing a heavy jacket, hunting cap and sunglasses over his clothes]
Gerald:I don't know why you're harassing me. I don't even own a computer.
Dick:My name is Dick.
Gerald:Are you with the NSA or Homeland Security?
Dick:No. I'm a colleague.
Gerald:A colleague?
Dick:You probably know me as DildoShwaggins.
Gerald:DildoShwaggins from pussystormers.org?
Dick:We need to talk.
Gerald:You're just a troll? Oh, thank God!
Dick:We're on the same team, Skankhunt.
Gerald:Wait. That means I went Protocol Zero for nothing. Oh shit! [throws his coffee cup away, then looks around for a rock to sit on. He finds one and sits down.]
Dick:What's Protocol Zero?
Gerald:Everything's gone! I destroyed my computers, my phone! Why couldn't you just say "I know who you are. I'm a troll too"? Why'd ya have to be so fucking cryptic?!
Dick:Us trolls have to be careful. You know that.
Gerald:Look, I'm not really a troll, okay? I just- started as a Yelp reviewer and got sick of how stupid everyone's comments sounded. I just like messing with people, 'cause it was funny. I got carried away.
Dick:These are really dangerous times, Skankhunt. There are things happening in the world and trolls haved to come together.
Gerald:For what?
Dick:Someone is trying to wipe us out. Our way of life is in danger.
Gerald:It's not a way of life. I was just doing it for the lols.
Dick:That's not true. I've studied your work. You're one of the best trolls I've ever seen.
Gerald:No. [stands up] No, I'm done with this crap. I thought my wife was gonna find out. That was too spooky. [puts on his glasses and walks away]
Dick:Gerald, we need each other! The Danish are planning something horrible against us!
Gerald:I'm not one of you! Okay? I just need to stop. [tries to climb up the bank of the river to the bridge and falls on his back.]
[The school playgground. Kyle has gathered the rest of the 4th grade boys]
Kyle:Guys, I've been thinkin' this over a lot. And, we need to be more active in showing the girls we respect them. There's a big girls' volleyball game tonight, and we should all go and show our support.
Stan:You really think that's gonna make a difference?
Kyle:I do. We need to show the girls that all boys aren't the same and that we are willing to change.
Butters:[steps forward] Well why don't you shut the fuck up, Kyle! All I've been hearin' about the past few weeks is how this is our problem! How boys need to change! Well I'm gettin' pretty sick of it! Why everyone else seems to be able to be proud of who they are, but not us! And then we got Uncle Kyle here tallin' us the girls are right!
Kyle:Butters-
Butters:This is a war on all of us! You wanna listen to Uncle Kyle, go on ahead! [walks towards Tweek and Craig] Pretty soon they'll be lockin' us all up! And don't think you're safe either, Tweek and Craig! Just 'cause you're gay doesn't mean you aren't looked down upon for being boys! The world wants us all to feel shame just 'cause we were all born with wieners!
Kyle:Butters, you need to calm down.
Butters:No! We tried doin' it your way, Kyle! We tried doin' what the girls wanted us to do, and where did it get us?!
Clyde:Nowhere.
Butters:Right! It turned us against one of our own, that's what it did! What happened to Eric Cartman was the girls' fault, not ours!
Token:That's true.
Butters:I'm done feelin' guilt! I'm a boy, dag-nabbit! And you know what? I'm proud of my little wiener! Mark my words, the moment is coming when you all need to decide. Are you with your kind, or are you with Uncle Kyle?!
[The Broflovski house, day. Gerald is at the dining room table drumming on the table top with his fingers quite nervously. Sheils approaches him and stands by]
Sheila:Gerald, you've been sitting at the table for three hours now. You okay?
Gerald:I'm great. Totally good, just sitting and... doing nothing. Is there a problem with that? Is there a problem with just wanting to sit and be? Is that illegal now?
Sheila:[a little hurt] Not at all, Gerald. I'm sorry.
Gerald:I'm toally happy. Iii'm haappy! I don't need to do anything to make me happy. Fuck.
Sheila:Well, I know you said your computer was broken, so... I went ahead and got you something. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a box] Here, it's your own iPad.
Gerald:[takes one look at it and cowers from it] Ah! Aahhh! Ah! No! I ah-I'm good! Get that away from me!
Sheila:You don't like it?
Gerald:No, I'm sorry. I love it. I'm just... swearing off electronics for a little bit. [lunges forward] Or maybe I can just get on a couple of message boards. [cowers away again] No! I'm good! I don't need it!
Sheila:Gerald, what's going on?
Gerald:Nothing, Sheila, I'm fine. I'm just trying to make some changes and, less electronics is part of it. I'm sorry, honey, everything is okay. I promise.
Sheila:Okay, Gerald. I'll make us some lunch. Oh, uh, did that guy outside talk to you?
Gerald:What guy outside? [looks towards the living room windows. He walks to one of them and looks out across the street. Dick is standing there] What the fuck? [looks over his should to make sure Sheila isn't looking, then motions for Kick to leave. He whispers] Go away! Go! [Dick doesn't move. so Gerald whispers motions again.] Go! Go away! Go go! [Dick reaches into his his back pants pocket and pulls out some sheets of paper. One of them says "We really have to talk" and the second one says "It's important." Gerald whispers] Goddamnit! [draws the blind down and closes the curtains, then walks away]
[The school gym, night. The volleyball game has yet to begin]
Announcer:Welcome students and parents to tonight's matchup between the South Park Cows and the Buena Vista Demons.
Kyle:Dude, this is awesome! Do you see how many of the boys I got to come tonight?!
Stan:Yeah, this is a pretty sweet turnout. [Wendy has a clear view of him, so she smiles and waves at him]
Kyle:This is exactly what we needed. Thank God people listen to me.
Announcer:And now, please sit, stand, or kneel for the National Anthem. [Butters is shown alone on a bleacher as the Anthem plays. He gets up on the one in front of him and takes down his pants. He then pulls his shirt up to show his wiener. Then, with his left hand holding his shirt up, he riases his right fist in defiance and holds his head high. The South Park Cows team look at him from across the gym floor and their jaws drop one by one]
Jason:Holy crap, dude, look at Butters. [Clyde is the next to show his wiener and strike a defiant pose. Scott is next, followed by other boys. Tweek and Craig follow. Kevin, Kenny, and Token... Only Stan and Kyle keep their pants up]
Kyle:Oh no! [facepalm]
[South Park, day. Gerald walks through downtown. He begins to cross an intersection when a cyclist cuts him off]
Gerald:Sonabith! Hawgh!
[He walks by the South Park Community Center and sees a sign.

He looks around and peeks inside. Some men are seated in a circle. They turn to face him]
Randy:Gerald. Hey, come on in, you're not alone, bud. We're all facin' the same struggles and tryin' to do somethin' about it. Anyway, please continue, Richard.
Richard:Well, like I was saying, I've been addicted to member berries for about two months now.
Randy:It's okay man, you're not alone.
Richard:It's just, you know, membering is so much more fun than thinking. I want so bad to go back to when things were good. When I was a kid, you know? Like the '80s and the '90s. Things made sense, you know?
Randy:And that's how we got here to this very member berry election.
Gerald:What is this?
Randy:What have been your struggles with member berries, Gerald?
Gerald:Uh, I don't even know what a member b-
Member Berries:Member the Degobah system? Oh I love Degobah! That's where Yoda lived. Member Yoda? Oooh, I member.
Randy:[clears his throat] Michael? Are there member berries in your pocket?
Member Berries:Ohh, member Corellian corvettes? Ohh, I member Corellian corvettes. [Michael squashes them in his breast pocket]
Michael:Nnnope.
Randy:Anyway Gerald, what has your experience been?
Gerald:I don't even know what member berries are.
Stephen:Gerald, come on. The first step towards healing is admitting you have a problem.
Gerald:Yeah? Well you've got a fat pussy, and you should go and fuckin' kill yourself! [catches himself and calms down] Sorry, um, I think I'm in the wrong place. [leaves the meeting.]
[The principal's office. PC Principal is talking to the girls again]
PC Principal:Make no mistake! I want to be very upset. However, as a community, we have all decided that people have the righth to protest the National Anthem.
Wendy:They took their wieners out! [with her are Bebe, Annie, and Nichole]
PC Principal:Correct. But they did so peacefully, and without malice towards others.
Wendy:This was an attack on us. This is exactly why we sat out the National Anthem in the first place.
PC Principal:I want you to understand something, ladies. I am in a PC pretzel here, ladies. Because, if I say they can't protest, even though you protested, and the only difference is their protest included phusical gestures, thenn I'm body-shaming.
Bebe:So you're just gonna let boys take their wieners out whenver they want!
PC Principal:That's what happens when you sit out the Natinal Anthem.
[South Park Elementary, day. Stan and Kyle are at their lockers switching out books when Butters' voice is heard]
Butters:[through a bullhorn] We walk together in peace! We walk together in pride! [shown leading the boys down the hallways. Stan and Kyle watch them go by. All the boys have their pants and briefs around their ankles and pull their shirts off their bellies.] We are not going to feel ashamed for who we are! We are not going to feel guilt for the way we were born! Wieners out!
Boys:Wieners out!
Butters:Don't let anyone tell you you're somehow less because you're a boy! Don't let anyone tell you to not think with our wiener. As if your wiener is a bad thig! [Stan and Kyle's jaws drop]
Boys:Yeah! That's right! [in front of the opposing lockers are Nichole, Wendy, and Bebe]
Butters:What makes us different makes us beautiful! No more shame! No more doubt! No more bigotry! [Wendy holds out her left hand, hoping for some reaction from Stan]
Boys:Wieners out! [seeing none, she turns right and leaves. Stan now has only one option left]
Butters:Don't be an Uncle Kyle! Be proud of who you are! You are either with us or against us! [Stan drops trou and joins the other boys, leaving Kyle alone] It's really that simple!
[Gerald's bathroom. He's in his pajamas brusing his teeth. A flute begins to play outside his bathroom window. He goes to the window and sees Dick perched up on a tree playing the flute.]
Gerald:[motioning and whispering] Damnit! Get out of here! Stop that! [closes the curtains and goes to bed, but he's tense and can't sleep]
Sheila:You don't have to work tonight?
Gerald:Nope! Nothing.
Sheila:Wow. I don't remember the last time you were able to actually get in bed at the same time with me.
Gerald:Got all caught up, with my work.
Sheila:Hey, I'm not complaining. It feels good to have you here.
Gerald:[bolts out of bed] I'm going on a run!
[In the neighborhood in the middle of the night. Gerald is in his track suit and jogging in the street. A car comes up behind him and honks. The drive swerves left to avoid him.]
Gerald:Aaah! Fuck you. Fuck you! [throw up both his middle fingers at the driver]
[Back at the house, 2:43 am. He's in the bathroom off camera, screaming]
Gerald:Yeah! Screw you, skank! [Sheila looks around] You fat little bitch! Go! Go kill yourself, whore! [Sheila gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom door] Yeah, fuck you bitch! Fuck you! Yeah hahaha! Haha!
Sheila:Gerald?
Gerald:Bitch, hahaha! [Sheila opens the bethroom door and sees Gerald on the toilet with his glass of wine and the iPad. He sees her and snarls at her, and she screams in horror]
Sheila:Aaaah! [turns and runs away]
Gerald:[goes after her] Oh. Sorry hon! Sorry!
Kyle:[comes out of his room as his parents rush by down the hallway] Everything alright, guys?
Gerald:Everything's fine, Kyle. Go back to bed.
[The kitchen, moments later. Sheila and Gerald sit at the breakfast table.]
Sheila:One night ya, you say all our computer stuff is broken and you, you hide everything, and then you show up with all this new equipment, and now this! Please, tell me. What's going on?
Gerald:Nothing is going on.
Sheila:You hissed at me! You went *hghghgh!*
Gerald:Okay, okay. I I'm going to- tell you the truth, Sheila. [beat] I watch porn on the Internet. I'm sorry. I'll try to stop. [smiles]
Sheila:But I know you watch porn. You told me you watch porn, and I told you I don't care, Gerald.
Gerald:Ohoh yeah! I d-I... It's d'uh... but, this is different.
Sheila:Why? Because it's not... normal porn?
Gerald:Right.
Sheila:Like something really embarrassing?
Gerald:It's really embarrassing, eheh.
Sheila:Tell me
Gerald:It's... porn. It's, uh, piss... porn. Piss porn.
Sheila:Piss porn? Like people peeing on each other?
Gerald:[stands up] See?! It's so embarrassing. No wonder I hid it, right? [slowly walks towards the dining room] Huuf. I'm sorry. It's good to get it out in the open though.
Sheila:D'you want me to pee on you?
Gerald:No!
Sheila:You only like watching other women pee?
Gerald:Oh. No, no, it's not like that.
Sheila:Because they're pretty? You have to watch her on a video because I'm overweight and old?
Gerald:NO! I w-I want you to. I just... couldn't ask.
Sheila:You do? Promise? [turns to face him]
Gerald:[with trepidation] ...Yyeess?
[The master bedroom, moments later. Gerald is on his back, his pajama shirt off, as jazz plays. The bathroom door opens and Sheila walks out in a black negligee and panty hose. She gets up on the bad, walks over Gerald, and pees on his face.]
Gerald:[shuts his eyes and turns away when he can] Agh. blaaaghagh.
Sheila:Am I doing it right, Gerald?
Gerald:Yup. Bluch! S-ogh! [Ike appears at the bedrom door, but they don't notice] It's so hot, honey, sure. Ogh. Eugh. [pee spreads over Gerald's pajamas and the bed sheets. Kyle joins Ike at the door and is shocked] Warm. Ugh.
[South Park Elementary, day. Cartman sits on some steps in the hallway making a macramé lanyard. Kyle walks down the hallway and sees him. He stops by]
Kyle:Hi Cartman.
Cartman:Hey Kyle.
Kyle:I'm so sorry. What... we did to you. This Internet troll has everyone going crazy. We shouldn't have assumed it was you. We shouldn't have... broke all your stuff.
Cartman:Kewl. That's kewl.
Kyle:No, I know it's not cool. I know you're figuring out how to get back at us.
Cartman:I saw a vagina, Kyle.
Kyle:What?
Cartman:I'm not holding a grudge. I'm happier now. I have purpose.
Kyle:You saw whose vagina?
Cartman:My girlfriend's. She stood six feet away and flashed it really fast, but in that instant you know what I saw? I saw that humandkind could colonize Mars. I saw the potential of our species to terraform other planets and, reach the infinite.
Kyle:[rubs his own forehead] Yeah right okay. [puts down his hand]> Ah I'm being serious, Cartman. Butters needs to be taken down a notch and you're the best at that.
Heidi:Eric! [he smiles, and she runs up to him] Hey, I got us chocolate milks.
Cartman:Of course you did, 'cause you're amazing. And look what I made you. [shows her the lanyard]
Heidi:A pink and blue one?
Cartman:That's what my baby wanted.
Heidi:Yay! Put it on me!
Cartman:[pins the lanyard on her coat collar] Oh, sorry. Heidi, you know... Kyle.
Heidi:Oh yeah, hey Kyle. [to Cartman] The show's on at 5 tonight. Do you wanna watch at your house or my house?
Cartman:Oh. Either way we totally can. I just-I guess Kyle has something to talk to us about first, um? Go ahead, Kyle.
Kyle:Guh... The school's in trouble and um... [notices Cartman and Heidi holding hands] Uh our friends are...
Cartman:He said something about us working together to help take down Butters?
Heidi:Why? What's going on, boo?
Cartman:I'm not sure, boo. Could you start from the beginning, Kyle? Heidi's amazing at figuring stuff out. [she smiles. Kyle is still amazed at the budding romance]
[The park, day. Gerald sits on the bench waiting... He watches a mean dog take a piss on a tree nearby. He growls. At that moment Dick, with a tote bag hanging from his right shoulder, arrives and sits next to him]
Gerald:It wasn't suppose to be like this. I just... thought it was funny makin' people get riled up. It was just stupid harmless locker room humor... till I made that lady kill herself.
Dick:[sighs] You can't deny who you are, Skankhunt.
Gerald:[whispers] Don't call me that here! Why can't you just go away?!
Dick:Because we're all in danger! Didn't you see the video I sent you?!
Gerald:No! Don't you get it?! I went Protocol Zero! I broke my phone! I deleted all my email accounts! So that nobody can trace me ever again!
Dick:They will be able to. Everyone. You need to see this video Skankhunt. The whole world is about to chnage.
[Sizzler, day. Kyle, Cartman, and Heidi sit in a booth there.]
Cartman:You wanna know what's really going on? I'll tell you what's going on. Even thogh woomen have made great gains in the last century, they're still a part of men who aren't comfortable with women having power. It really just comes down to that. And then you have social media which allows men to anonymously say horrif thins like "women aren't funny" even thoguh Heidi's like the funniest person I ever met.
Heidi:[smiles] Pssh, shut up.
Cartman:No, it's true. Get over yourself.
Heidi:I don't even try to be funny.
Cartman:I know. You don't have to, 'cause you're awesome.
Kyle:Cartman? Will you just help me mess with Butters to stop his little aggro club from getting any bigger?
Cartman:Like mess with Butters how? What do you mean "mess with Butters"?
Kyle:You know what I mean! Come on! We need the old Cartman back!
Cartman:Oh, I see. You have a problem with Heidi.
Heidi:What?
Cartman:You're threatened by her because she actually has interesting things to say and she's funnier than you!
Kyle:That's not true at all!
Cartman:Oh, she's not funnier than you?! Or is she just not funny because she's a girl?!
Heidi:Babe, stop. I don't think he meant anything by it.
Cartman:Sorry baby, it just really ruffles my feathers.
Heidi:Look Kyle, I think it's great you're trying to patch things up with everyone, but the truth is Eric and I are just kind of out of it now.
Cartman:We're kind, we're just out of it now.
Heidi:We gave up social media and all the ugliness that goes along with it, and we're in a better place.
Cartman:Humans, on Mars. [Kyle is left disappointed]
[Back at the park, Dick reaches into his tote bag and pulls out a laptop computer]
Dick:I'm warning you, Skankhunt. This video is really gonna rock your world. [opens the laoptop and pulls up the video]
Gerald:[hushed] Can you please call me Gerald?!
Dick:[hands the laptop to Gerald] It's a very obscure story from the BBC in England. Hardly anyone's even seen it over here. This... [presses a key] is why we all have to come together, Skank. [the video begins to play]
BBC Anchor:Since the dawn of the Internet, message boards and chatrooms have lit up with people who incite and insult for no apparent reason. They're called "trolls," [a picture of a modern troll at the computer is shown with a traditional troll standing behind him] and a controvoersial company in Denmark is working to make them a thing of the past. The days of trolls hiding behind nicknames in message boards are over, the Danish claim, as a new Web site, trolltrace.com, will soon be up and running. [now standing in front of the company building] In less than a month, the servers will become active. Anyone can take any troll comment and send it through the Danish servers where a real name and a physical address will be attached.
Trull Hunter:Every message, every comment [RIP_Troll66: "Choke on your nutsack FATSO!!"] ever made by trolls will retroactively be given a tag with their author's name, [a box with RIP_Troll66's real info pops up] location, [two police cars pull up at his house] and full Internet history. [An officer kicks down the door to Jerry's bedroom. He turns around to see them as they enter the room]
Gerald:FFuuuucckkk!
Dick:I told you.
BBC Anchor:And this is the man who has masterminded it all. [a picture of the troll hunter shows up - it's the CEO, Lennart Bedrager]
Troll Hunter:What this will allow people to do is trace back harmful and hateful postings or emails. You see, the troll hides behind a protective layer, if you will, that Internet anonymity provides. We intend to strip them of that protection so that everyone will know who they are.
BBC Anchor:And what about people who will use this to spy on others who are't trolls?
Troll Hunter:Ah what do you mean?
BBC Anchor:Once your servers become active anyone could trace anything on the Internet back to whoever wrote it. How do you stop that from happening?
Troll Hunter:Oh oh right, um, [clears his throat and makes a clarification] This service is only for tracing the identity of trolls. Thank you. Komme oot, troll. Komme oot und die.
Dick:I Google-translated the last part. He says "Come out, troll. Come out and die."
Gerald:This can't be happening.
Dick:By next week, everything everyone has ever done online is gonna be available to the public.
Gerald:Then it's over. [Dick nods as he closes the laptop] Uh I'm dead.
Dick:You're not deat, Skankhunt. There's still hope.
[The school cafeteria, lunchtime. Kyle walks in and stands in the middle of the eating area.]
Kyle:Everyone, can I have your attention please. [the other kids turn their heads and listen] I know the past few weeks have been very difficult. For all of us. I know, now more than ever, that something has to change. I thought a lot about this the past few days. I've... seen a lot of things I never thought I would ever see. These are all complex issues we're having to face, and now I know that after you break it down, there's really only one answer. [reaches down and drops trou, then holds his fist up in the air]
Boys:Yeah! That's right! [other boys begin dropping their pants and showing their wieners.]
Butters:Good for you, Uncle Kyle! [some of the girls get angry and leave, some of the boys gather around Kyle and hoist him up in the air]
[A dark room. Dick has put a blindfold on Gerald and leads him in. Dick then removes the blindfold]
Dick:Fellow trolls, let me introduce you to... Skankhunt42.
Gerald:I'm not necessarily Skankhunt42. [he sees a table with ten trolls around it. Seven are seated, and six of them have laptops on, so the room is lit by candles and laptop screens]
Troll 1:It's okay, Skank. You're with your kind. [Dick shuts the door]
[End of Wieners Out.]