Episode 2006 - Fort Collins

Cast:

Kyle
Cartman
Heidi
Randy Marsh
Gerald Broflovski
Liane Cartman
Mr. Garrison and Caitlyn Jenner
Hillary Clinton amd Advisor 3
CNN Anchor
Lennart Bedrager
Danes 2. 5, 9, and 10
Man 1
Man 2
Man 3
Man 4 (Caller) amd Girl (his daughter)
Member Berries (including Tubs)
Anonymous821
Dick Slapperman
MLKKK
PurpleheadedQueeflicker
Troll 4
Waiter
Woman 1
Woman 2


I've numbered the member berries in the order they appear in during the road trip, with the driver being Member Berry 1.

[Mars. Cartman imagines himself in a spacesuit hopping around near a landing station]
Cartman:Kewl! [lands and waves to Heidi in the distance] Hi! [she waves back. He turns and faces the station, which is a complex of vagina-looking buildings with dormitory balls attached to each building] So keewl. [he hops towards a rocket, whose all-female crew members say hi to him] Hi. [a rover passes by, gowing towards an amusement park. A rolloer coaster filled with riders moves by] Dude, Mars rules. Mars rules. [hops towards the amusement park... He comes smiling out of a daydream at McDonald's, where he's having lunch with Heidi.]
Heidi:What are you thinking about, babe?
Cartman:Just thinking about how much we could accomplish if... people weren't so closed-minded.
Heidi:You're worried about him again, aren't you? Your friend, Kyle?
Cartman:[sighs] He's not a bad person, Heidi.
Heidi:Then talk to him, babe. Tell him what we're doing. Maybe you can get him back.
Cartman:[whispering] You're right. You're right, Heidi.
[Gerald's study, day. Gerald is back to trolling for fun.]
Gerald:Haha, yeah. Up yours, bitch. Haha! Suck it, skank. How about a dick in your mouth? There you go. Hahahaha, haha! [the doorbell rings] Aww! [leaves his desk and goes downstairs to answer the bell. His troll group is waiting]
Trolls:Hi, Skankhunt!
Gerald:Aaah! [makes sure no one else is near] What are you guys doing here?!
Dick:We came to celebrate!
PurpleheadedQueeflicker:Not every day you troll a whole country.
Anonymous821:We brought some beers. Let's have a trolling party. [moments later they're all in Gerald's living room and he's resting his head on his right hand, resigned]
Trolls:We did it! We did it! Yeah!
Dick:I think, if anything, we proved that trolls really can have an effect on the world.
Trolls:We did it! Yeah! That was awesome!
Dick:And I think that on the next one, we're only gonna get better.
Troll 4:Now doubt about it.
Gerald:Uh, w-w-what are you talking about, "next one"?
Dick:Skankhunt, we got an entire country to sign off social media and stop what they were doing. Imagine what effect we can have on the rest of the world!
Anonymous821:We're like supertrolls who can change anything.
Gerald:[alarmed, leans towards Disk] Can I talk to you for a second?
[The kitchen. Gerald takes Dick there and talks to him]
Gerald:Why did you bring them here?
Dick:What do you mean? We're all on a team now, Skankhunt.
Gerald:That was a one-time deal! So nobody would find out who we are!
Dick:But... you saw what we did when we worked together. Just think about what we could do to, like, the Presidentila election!
Gerald:The election? I don't give a shit about the election! You don't troll to be political!
Dick:Of course it's political.
Gerald:No, I just do it to laugh. Like I did when I was a kid. Don't you remember being a kid and just calling someone a fag for no reason?
Dick:I remember being called a fag for no reason.
Gerald:Right! Like it was just fuhuh. Right? Getting political doesn't do anything for me. I just like remembering when I was a kid. That's it. You need to get those people to go, and then you need to go.
Dick:Okay. [puts his mug on the counter] Sure, Skankhunt. Whatever you say. [turns right and walks out of the kitchen.]
[Randy's kitchen, day. Mr. Garrison is in the kitchen with Randy, who's performing various experiments on the member berries.]
Garrison:The Presidential election is only two weeks away! We have to destroy these things! [holds up a small jar of member berries.]
Member Berries:'Member the TIE wing fighters? 'Member the seventh trolley? I 'member.
Randy:That's much easier said than done. They're resistant to just about everything I tried.
Member Berry 4:[clamped into a small vice] 'Mmember Mos Eisley? 'Member the Rancor? 'Member? [Randy lights up a small blow torch]'Member sand people? 'Member the cantina? Rmember the [begins to scream as Randy torches it] Agh! Stop! Stop!
Member Berries:[looking on from the jar, now near the sink] What's going on now? They're using a torch on him. Oooh, are they gonna use the torch on us?
Member Berry 4:Ow, stop! [Randy turns the torch off and the berry is still for a few seconds, then starts 'membering like nothing happened.] 'Member Bespin? 'Member Wedge? I loved Wedge. 'Member?
Randy:Ugh! There has to be something!
Garrison:Try the acid. [Randy picks up a test tube of acid]
Member Berry 4:'Member Mom Mothma? 'Member the rebel transports? [Randy pours some acid on teh berry, and it screams some more]
Member Berries:They're trying to destroy us. They are? Our whole species? They can't do that. Yeah they can. 'Member the Death Star blowing up Alderaan? Oooh, Alderaan. I 'member.
Member Berry 4:[screams until the last of the acid is poured on him, then rests for a moment, then] 'Member the Cloud City? 'Member IG-88, the bounty hunter droid? 'Member? That was fantastic.
Randy:Damnit! These things are impossible to get rid of.
[The Broflovski house, day, bathroom. Kyle is on the toilet reading his phone screen. Someone knocks on the door.]
Kyle:Yeah?
Cartman:[peeks in] Hey broship, got a minute?
Kyle:Oh! What do you want now?
Cartman:Just a second. Please, Kyle.
Kyle:Hurry up!
Cartman:Okay. [opens the door and pulls Heidi in with him] Come on, baby.
Kyle:Augh! Dude, what the fuck?! [covers up his genitals]
Cartman:Kyle Kyle, I know you've never had a serious girlfriend, but... we stopped caring about seeing each other in the bathroom.
Kyle:I'm going to the bathroom!
Heidi:Eric really cares about you, Kyle. He feels like he's losing you and he's really upset.
Kyle:Why?
Cartman:I remember not that long ago, Kyle, when you told me in this very room, I believe, that you were going to prove who the troll was no matter what. Do you remember that, Kyle? Where's that Kyle?
Kyle:Ah I have to stay with my group, Cartman.
Cartman:No, I know, being in groups is great. You get to gang up and smash people's stuff, [goes to the vanity and pulls out a can of Lysol lemon-scented air freshener] pull out your wiener in the cafeteria. [sprays it onto Kyle as he walks by] I wonder what the old Kyle would say about this Kyle? I wonder if old Kyle would be pretty disgusted right now by who he's become. Heidi's been working with Denmark, Kyle. I want to show you what she's done. It's gonna change the way you think.
[Gerald's home office. Gerald is trolling up a storm again.]
Gerald:Hahaha, ha. You... stupid bitch. God, fuck! Nobody cares about your fat little- [gets an incomiong Facetime call from Dick Slapperman] uh. Oh, no, not again! [he accepts the call anyway] Yes?!
Dick:Hey Skankhunt, it's Dildo Shwaggins.
Gerald:I told you to stop FaceTiming me while I'm on the computer. It's very didstracting.
Dick:Well you haven't been answering my calls, so I know this is the only way I can talk to my buddy.
Gerald:I'm trying to just use the Internet! People should be able to use the Internet without being harassed!
Dick:Alright, look. [reaches down and picks up a guitar] I wrote a song about our friendship. Can I just play it for you?
Gerald:No!
Dick:Two lone wolves on the plains of darkness
The Valkyrie flies from the wailing cloud.
The last of-
Gerald:Bye! [closes the app] Jesus, what is wrong with people? [takes a sip from his wine] Ahh. [resumes trolling] Nobody cares about your fat sister with Lyme disease, akank!
[Heidi's house, later. She takes Cartman and Kyle to her room and stops at the door]
Heidi:This is gonna seem a little weird to you, okay?
Kyle:What is?
Heidi:Before I quite Twitter and threw my phone away, I was trying to prove who our school message board troll was
Cartman:Like you said you would do, Kyle, except that she actually meant it.
Heidi:Before I stopped searching, I learned something. Take a look. [opens the door and leads them in]
[Heidi's room. Inside, on the far wall, is a collection of pictures with lines connecting them. In the middle of all this is a generic silhouette of a person called Skankhunt42. Kyle gets a closer look]
Heidi:What is all this?
Kyle:To try and prove who the troll was, I started to look for patterns in how students used emojis. Then I cross-referenced that with the troll's writing. I call it emoji analysis. People can hide behind a fake name, but the way they use emojis gives them away.
Heidi:Wow, that's pretty smart.
Cartman:She's funny too, Kyle.
Heidi:After I had eliminated nearly every student, I started to realize that the troll's emojis were more archaic and less elegant than the average kid's. That's when I realized it: whoever Skankhunt42 is on the school's message boards, it isn't a student. It's an adult.
Kyle:You mean like one of the teachers?
Heidi:I think... it's one of the parents.
Kyle:Are you sure?
Heidi:I had enough examples of the teachers' texts amd e-mails to do emoji analysis. They were much more in line with Skankhunt's, but still not a match.
Kyle:Emoji analysis. It's genius.
Cartman:You're not giving her credit for being hilarious.
[Copenhagen, day. "Tjing tjang tjing" plays as the scene is established. At almost every other line the city folk sing "Tjing tjang tjing nutillej." One of the places shown is Freja Øllengård's mausoleum, another is TrollTrace's headquarters]
Dane 9:[runs in with a clipboard] Sir, take a look at the statistical analysis. The servers are working!
Lennart:So then we don't need any more funding?
Dane 10:No sir. Using-a Heidi's emoji analysis, we have the final piece of-a the puzzle.
Dane 5:So far, we have narrowed down the location of the troll attack on-a Denmark. [walks up to a night map of North America, with the United States outlined] It is a location in the middle of the United States, a place they call "Coloreedo."
Lennart:"Coloreedo?" That's a very goofy name.
Dane 5:We believe that very soon, the servers will give us the place in Coloreedo that the trolling originated.
Lennart:[walks up to the map] Mm, hm. [ominously] Go on and hide in your cave, little troll. Soon, everyone will know where you live.
[Randy's lab, er, kitchen. He's still running tests on the member berry as Garrison watches. This time he's electrocuting it]
Member Berry 4:Wowww! Yowowowww!
Randy:[stops] Damnit! Nothing kills these things!
Garrison:We have to keep trying! [turns around and picks up an empty jar] Where'd they go?
Randy:They're not in the jar? That's it. Look, it's over.
Garrison:No! I'll go find more! [leaves the kitchen. Randy follows him out]
[The dining room]
Randy:It's over! Don't you get it?! Even if we found a way to eradicate them now, we don't have time to implement it nationwide!
Garrison:Then how do we stop them from getting me elected president?
Randy:[turns around and walks off] There's no other choice, Mr. Garrison. The American people have to be made to understand what's going on here. [turns around again.] You're going to have to talk to them.
Garrison:No. No, I am done giving political speeches! I've tried being dirty, I've tried being vulgar, nothing mattered!
Randy:Then for the first time ever, you're gonna have to speak from the heart. And not make it about you.
Garrison:Well that's just impossible.
Randy:You know what these things are capable of. Even if you lose the election, another one like you is gonna rise up and take your place. J.J. Abramd has seen to that.
Garrison:Don't you get it, Randy? I'm not a politician. I never was.
Randy:All I know is that for the future of our country, you're gonna have to give one last speech. The speech that everyone needs to hear. A speech where you finally just talk like a normal human being.
Garrison:Ohhh Jeeez.
[Kyle's room, day. Kyle is at his desk working on math problemms. His door is open and Cartman walks in.]
Cartman:Hey man, can we have a quick chin wiggle? Look, the other day when you said Heidi wasn't funny, that was pretty lame, man.
Kyle:She wasn't being funny.
Cartman:Oh my God, will you let it go?! Why do you have to have thing hangup against women?!
Kyle:I don't!
Cartman:You do, Kyle! You have to think about the things you say! They matter! [turns to leave]
Kyle:Cartman, [leaves his chair] I did some research on the Danish Web site you've been helping out. You do realize that once TrollTrace is online, anybody can use it on anyone, right?
Cartman:Yeah, to catch trolls.
Kyle:So somebody, like Heidi, could use it to see your entire Internet history. Everything you ever said and did on the Internet, even before you were together. [a look of fear crosses Cartman's face]
Cartman:Well, Heidi doesn't actually use the Internet. We've sworn off that stuff, so it's kewl.
Kyle:Right, but somebody, like me, could look up your entire Internet history, print it out, and give it to Heidi. I would imagiine there's some things you've done or said on the Internet you wouldn't want Heidi to know about.
Cartman:[thinks for a moment] ...Un oh. [the recent past flashes through his mind, stopping off at the moment he saw Heidi's vagina in his room with the lights out, then moving on to the day he saw Ghostbusters]
[The Bijou, day. Cartman and his mom leave the theater]
Liane:Did you like the movie, hon?
Cartman:No, it sucked! I'm gonna send Butters an e-mail right now. [whips out his phone and types] "Dude, don't bother with new Ghostbusters. Totally not funny. Chicks ruined it." [puts the phone away] Can we get ice cream now? I wanna get the taste of ass out of my mouth. [fast forward to the present]
[Kyle's room, present day]
Cartman:How can they make what I said on the Internet available to the public? That's bullshit!
Kyle:It's available to everyone, stupid!
Cartman:I gotta go! [runs out]
[Randy's kitche, night. The lights are out, only the moon shines in through the window above the sink.]
Member Berries:Heehee, hurry! Come on, we have to hurry! Let's go.
Member Berry 3:[one rolls out from behind the toaster] This way, this way. We have to go this way, 'member? [two other roll out, and a third hops out]
Member Berry 2:Oh, I 'member.
Member Berry 1:Come on, we have to hurry.
Member Berry 4:'Member, Jabba the Hutt?
Member Berry 2:Yeah. Come on, Tubs, you gotta keep up, 'member?
Tubs:[the biggest member berry] Huhuhuh, sorry. I 'member.
Member Berry 1:Okay, almost there. 'Member the Battle of Endor? [member berry 3 shushes him, so quieter] 'Member the Battle of Endor?
Member Berry 2:Oh, I 'member.
Tubs:Heheheh, are we almost there?
Member Berries:Shhh! Come on, 'member? Oh I 'member.
[The Broflovski house. The doorbell rings and Gerald goes to answer it, Dick is outside holding a gift-wrapped box.]
Dick:I miss my friend.
Gerald:Oh, you gotta be- Are you joking?!
Dick:I don't know how things got derailed, but I-I'm sorry if I made you upset. I wanna be buddies again. [offers him the gift]
Gerald:Buddies like when? When were we buddies?
Dick:Come on let's just have a couple beers and do some trolling.
Gerald:I don't have time for you! I'm sorry, dude, but I have a life! I have a wife, and kids, and shit to do!
Dick:Why are you mad at me?
Gerald:Because you won't go away and let me just have fun!
Dick:I refuse to think that Skankhunt is that shallow.
Gerald:Oh, here we go!
Dick:When you Photoshop penises in cancer survivors' mouths, it's not just to make people laugh.
Gerald:Yes! It! Is!
Dick:If somebody Photoshopped a dick in your wife's mouth, would you just think it was funny??
Gerald:You mean my fucking screensaver? [shows him his phone, on which is a picture of Sheila with a dick in her mouth]
Dick:It's true... You're just an asshole. I thought you were the ultimate rebel. I actually looked up to you and you're nothing but a simple... dick.
Gerald:And what are you, Dildo Shwaggins?! Huh?! You think you're a fucking political activist holed up in your shitty little midget condo?! You're nothing but a pissed off little giant lashing out at everyone because you can't get laid!
Dick:At least I have a reason to be angry. ...What do you have? That it's funny? Hurting people is worth the laughs?
Gerald:Stop tolling me.
Dick:One day you're gonna wake up and realize that you don't have anyone either.
Gerald:Stop fucking tolling me. [shuts the door]
[Copenhagen, Denmark, at TrollTrace headquarters. The second verse of "Tjing Tjang Tjing" plays]
Dane 2:We have it! We think we have it! The emoji analysis wokred! We have foudn the IP address of the troll who trolled us!
Lennart:Triangulate the servers! [cursors on the map converge on northern Colorado] Focus everything on that area! It's time to see what these puppies can do!
[Fort Collines, Colorado. The camera pans down to a house. Inside is MLKKK at his computer. He's typing when he heaers a siren and looks around. He hears some police cars nearby nnd quicklu turns on the news to see what's happening.]
CNN Anchor:Once again, if you live in the city of Fort Collins, there is a chance that all your e-mails and your entire Internet history has been made accessible to the public. [MLKKK gets up quickly and looks out his window. He sees his neighbor across the street tun out of his own home from a woman holding a laptop in her hand]
Man 1:Waaaaah!
Woman 1:Who the fuck are these e-mails to, and what the, what the fuck is marriedbuthorny.com?! [throws the laptop at him. The man ducks and the laptop shatters upon hitting the asphalt. MLKKK closes the curtain and hides under his desk. His phone rings and he pops up to get it]
MLKKK:Hello?
Caller:I know where you live now, you sonabitch! [MLKKK quickly hangs up and runs out of his house and into his car]
Man 2:I'vd been hacked! Help me, I've been hacked! [MLKKK peels out of his drive way and drives away. All around him people are panicking.]
Man 3:They'll never forgive me! [jumps off a building to his death] Nooo! [a woman sits on a curb crying, with papers around her and her phone in her hand. MLKKK glances at her, then looks ahead, and brakes immediately, but crashes into another car with a woman in it]
Woman 2:Agh! [uninjured, she types on her phone. MLKKK gets out to see if she's hurt. She grabs him by the shoulders] They know everything I said about them! The entier club knows!
MLKKK:Get away from me! [he runs away, but stops to figure out where he'll go next]
Man 4:[the caller] Hello MLKKK! [shown with his daughter, who's in a wheelchair] You called my little girl R2-D2! You know how long Ive waited for this day. you sonabitch! [MLKKK is startled. The man douses him in gasoline, strikes a match, and sets him on fire]
Girl:Is he burnin', Pa?
Man 4:He's burnin' bright, little girl!
[Out on the road, night. On a desolate highway cars roll by. A tiny toy car appears. Six member berries are in it listening to Toto's "Africa."]
Member Berry 4:'Member which way we're going?
Member Berry 1:[driving] I 'member.
Tubs:Hey, hey! 'Member the Ewok village?
Member Berry 2:Oh I 'member.
Member Berry 4:I 'member that, [several thumps are heard]
Member Berry 3:Haha, yeah I 'member.
Member Berry 1:I 'member. [the thumps get louder] Oh shit, hang on. [pulls to the side of the road and turns off the engine. The member berries hop out and go to the trunk of the car.]
Member Berry 4:[opens the trunk.] Hey, you shut the fuck up!
Member Berry 2:Yeah, we're gonna kill you, 'member?
Member Berry 6:[battered and gagged, bleeding juice in two places] Oh I 'member. [the driver closes the trunk. The berries hop back in the car and resume the drive.]
Member Berry 2:Oh, 'member this song?
Member Berry 3:Yeah, I 'member.
Member Berry 4:I love this song. It was fantastic, 'member?
Member Berry 3:Oh I loved singing this, 'member?
Member Berry 2:'Member?
[Breaking news]
CNN Anchor:Complete panic and mass hysteria tonight as the city of Fort Collins has been hacked. [a traffic pileup at an intersection is shown.]
Gerald:Oh my God. Oh my God they've done it!
CNN Anchor:The Danish are taking credit for the cyber attack, claiming it successfully exposed a notorious troll. [a picture of MLKKK - Anthony Webster - shows up] The man has been identified as the Internet troll MLKKK, and was burned alive by one of his apparent victims. [Man 4 and his daughter are shown in the background as MLKKK burns]
Gerald:Aghah!
CNN Anchor:The Danish claim this was only a beta test, and soon the service will be available worldwide. [looks to his left] Wait, so like they'll be releasomg everyone's Internet history? [looks at the camera] Uh, I gotta go. [leaves his desk]
Gerald:No! Nonononononononono! [calls up Dick on FaceTime] Dildo! They've done it! The Danish figured out how to hack everyone's Internet history! [Dick simply hangs up] Haaah!
[The Martian surface. Cartman is fantasizing about being there again. A Martian storm whips around him]
Cartman:Ack! Dude, weak! Now kewl! [hangs on to a rocky surface. In the distance he sees Heidi being caried off by fierce winds] Not kewl! [sees the Martian landing base to his right]
Females:[hanging on to parts of the base] Weak! Not cool! [the wind carries them off too]
Cartman:No, weak! [the roller coaster soon derails and all its riders scream] It's all falling apart! Weak! [Mars dissolved into Heidi's pants as the camera zooms out from her crotch]
[Cartman's room. Heidi stands in front of him as he comes out of his daydream]
Heidi:What is it, Eric? What's wrong?
Cartman:I d-I, I don't know
Heidi:Come on. We don't keep secrets, remember?
Cartman:It's just, hard.
Heidi:You said you wanted to be perfectly honest with me, always.
Cartman:And I do. [heavy sigh] This one time... [sniffs and wipes his nose] I think it was ocer the summer, I sent to see the new Ghostbusters movie.
Heidi:Yeah?
Cartman:And... and during the movie I was like "wait, where's my phone?" and I couldn't find it, and Jimmy said "haha screw you, Cartman" and he was holding my phone and he ran off with it and he said "I'm gonna send a bunch of texts and e-mails from your phone so everyone thinks they're from you" and I was like "No, that's not cool!" and he said "Yeah!" and he sent a bunch of mean stuff before I went to ge get him and I took my phone back amd I'm just worried that if, if people look at my Internet history they're gonna think that all that stuff came from me!
Heidi:Well I'm glad you told me, 'cause now I know.
Cartman:So you totally believe me?
Heidi:Of course. [they hold hands] You've never given me a reason not to believe you, babe.
Cartman:[happily] Keeewwl! [imagines himself on Mars again, with the storm clouds gone]
Heidi:You have no reason to worry. People will know it wasn't you. With emoji analysis, everyone will be able to tell exactly where any comments came from.
Cartman:[the storm is back] Ah! No! Noo! [fierce winds carry him away]
[Mr. Garrison at a podium, flanked by two American flags]
Garrison:My fellow Americans. We live in an unprecedented time of uncertainty. I want to speak to you human to human because with God's grace, this will be the last time you ever hear from me. When I started this campaign I was saying a lot of shit because I was angry. [A shot of Gerald at Skeeter's Bar on a stool, looking bewildered] and then I turned that anger into pusing buttons, by being more and more outrageous. Slowly people started paying attention to me, and I guess it made me feel powerful. Well now the chickens have come home to roost. [a shot of Gerald's family having dinner without him] Sooner or later we all get exposed. We're all held accountable for what we say and what we do. [back to the podium] There's only one thing that matters now. On November 8, you must vote against me, and show the world that you didn't think the new Star Wars was all that good. When you're in that voting booth, remember... that every vote for Hillary Clinton is a vote that shows the world we agree... that The Force Awakens was more like a Happy Days reunion special than a movie. The choice is yours, America. Please make the right one.
[Hillary Clinton's office. day. Two advisors walk in the door]
Clinton Advisor 3:The Danish claim they will soon have the ability to publish anyone's Internet history. We have to act fast, Mrs. Sandwich.
Hillary Clinton:I'll have you treat me with more respect. Haven't you seen the polls? It's President-elect Sandwich.
Clinton Advisor 3:We might not want to get too far ahead of ourselves. [reaches into a manila pouch and hands her a confidential file] TrollTrace must be stopped.
Hillary Clinton:Who is Skankhunt42? [the file is about him]
Clinton Advisor 3:We believe... he's the only one who can save you now.
[A restaurant. The member berries are on a shelf]
Member Berry 4:Here we are. We made it.
Tubs:We did?
Member Berry 2:Yeah, we had to go with Plan B, 'member?
Member Berry 5:Oooo, I 'member.
Member Berry 3:Sorry, asshole. End of the line for you.
Member Berry 6:[still gagged] That's okay, I 'member. [member berries 3 and 4 team up to push him off the shelf] Waaah! [ends up in a martini and sinks to the bottom. A waiter takes the martini out of the kitchen and wallkd out]
[A restaurant booth]
Waiter:Here you are, ma'am. Gin and tonic.
Caitlyn:Shanks.
Waiter:Should be an... interesting election this year, huh?
Caitlyn:[drinks through a straw] Buckle up, buckaroos.
[End of Fort Collins.]