Episode 2009 - Not Funny

Cast:

Kyle
Cartman
Butters
Heidi
Gerald, Sheila, and Ike Broflovski
Laura Tucker
Randy Marsh
Stephen Stotch
Sgt. Yates
Fr. Maxi
Mr. Slave
President Garrison
Gen. Revaur and General 2, Staffer 4
Elon Musk and two of his aides, SpaceX Engineer
Dick Slapperman, Anonymous821, NWBZPWNR, Troll 1, Troll 4
Lennart Bedrager, Danes 1 and 2


[Park County Police Station, outside, day. Sgr. Yates is holding a press conference. The crowd is noisy]
Sgt. Yates:Everyone, calm down, please. We have to have civil order. Listen to me! [the crowd quiets down] Now, I know everyone is scared, but we have to keep control. Yes, all our e-mails and Internet histories are about to become public knowledge. [the crowd gets noisy] But! But! [the crowd calms down] We all need to understand that Troll Trace will never happen if people don't log on to use it. The Web site is a massive database that cross-references everything ever said on the Internet. It relies on people typing in a name and address of someone else to add to that database. If we can all resis the urge to look up other people's Internet histories - Maggie, okay - as long as we respect each other's privacy, darling, then our town won't suffer the same fate as Fort Collins.
Stephen:And what are the police gonna do to make sure people don't use it? I know I'll certainly respect other's privacy, but what about people like Laura Tucker, the blabbermouth?
Laura:Excuse me?
Sgt. Yates:And that why we have to come together as a community and resist any temptation to use Troll Trace - Maggie.We have to stay in control. This hack of our city will never happen, so long as we can rely on the rationality and the basic decency of the American people. [a few seconds of silence, and the townsfolk go nuts. Soon they're all gone]
Townsmen:We're gonna die! Oh! We've got to get the kids! Let's go!
Sgt. Yates:Guess I could have worded that differently.
[Kyle's bedroom, day. He's been grounded. He sits on his bed, unable to tell his mom the truth he's only just realized]
Sheila:What were you thinking?! How dare you outright defy like that?! Your brother was being punished for using the computer and you just decide to leave with him?!
Kyle:I just felt bad for him, Ma.
Sheila:You felt bad for him?! After all the horrible things he said to people online?! Your brother is a sick troll, Kyle! You just wait till your father gets home! [exits the room and slams the door shut behind her]
[Ike's room, moments later. His door is open. He's not at the computer - he's been grounded too - but a FaceTime call comes in. Ike hops off his bed and goes to the computer. He takes the call - it's his father]
Gerald:Ike? Where the fuck have you been?! Daddy needs your help. You don't want Mommy and Daddy to get divorced, do you? You know how bad your mom is. She completely overreacts to everything. That's where your brother gets it from. You don't wanna be like Kyle, do you? [He's got Ike onscreen, but Kyle pops in moments later]
Kyle:Hi, Dad.
Gerald:Hey buddy! Everything good there?
Kyle:It was you. This whole time. You're the troll who caused all this trouble!
Gerald:No, it was your brother. I don't know what's wrong with him, Kyle. He needs counseling or-
Kyle:Heidi Turner did emoji analysis! It was an adult! It was you!
Gerald:Shhh. Shhh. Okay, keep your voice down.
Kyle:[whispering] Why, Dad?! Why did you do this?!
Gerald:Because it's fucking funny, Kyle! It's called having a sense of humor and laughing. You should fucking tryi ti once in a while!
Kyle:Putting a penis in the mouth of a mom who has cancer is funny?!
Gerald:Because it's so not funny! God! Pushing people's buttons to get a reaction can actually be very good for society, Kyle. Listen to me: The Danish are fucking craxy! You have to get people to stop them!
Kyle:How?!
Gerald:Go get people riled up! Call the President - I don't know. When you push people's butttong, they go and push other people's buttons. Now, get out there and-!
Sheila:Kyle! Ike! [they notice her and glance back] What the hell is this?! [they look back at the monitor and Gerald has hung up] WHAT DID I SAAAY?! GET OFF OF THAT COMPUTER RIGHT NOW! [Ike buries his face in his hands.]
[SpaceX, day. In the parking lot ourside is a large crowd of people clamoring and trying to get back into SpaceX over a tall chain-link fence.]
Engineer:Uh, everyone, please. Listen. We don't have any rockets going to Mars! Nu-You're not listening! We don't have the energy requirements figured out yet! We're working as hard as we can! There's a little girl working on the problem right now, and apparently, she's incredibly smart and funny!
[SpaceX, inside. Heid stands before a huge whiteboard crammed with engineering equations of all sorts. It's quite overwhelming. Cartman walks up from screen left with a drink for her]
Cartman:You got it figured out, babe?
Heidi:Babe, I have no idea what any of this means.
Cartman:Heidi, yes you do. You just have to get over yourself. Come on, say it. [fore forcefully] Say it.
Heidi:Girls rule, women are funny, get over it.
Cartman:Get voer it, baby. [pats her on the back] Stop holding yourself back. [Heidi sighs]
Elon Musk:Uh, excuse me. Sorry, can we have a word, please?
Cartman:[looks back at him] What the fuck do you want?! [normally, to Heidi] Hang on, babe. [walks to Elon]
Elon Musk:This doesn't seem like it's gonna work out, and, we're rather busy.
Cartman:Just give her a chance. She's the smartest, funniest girl on Earth.
Elon Musk:I haven't really heard her say anything funny.
Cartman:Yeah. That's because you have a mental block, Elon Musk, that won't let you get over yourself.
Butters:[offscreen] Heh, yeah! [the camera is on him] Don't worry about Heidi, she's a hoot! [Cartman glares at him, the men just look, and Heidi is focusing on the equations.]
[Troll Trace vault. The vault door beeps and is about to open, and the trolls look up]
Dick:Here they come. [Lennart and a few other Danes walk in]
Gerald:Oh, thank God! There's been a mistake, okay?! I'm not one of them! My son is skankhunt42. Go online and see! He's still doing it! [Dane 2 whips out a gun and aims it at the trools]
Lennart:All of you, remove your clothes!
Anonymous821:W-what are you gonna do to us?
Lennart:Remove your clothes! Now! [the trolls strip down as ordered, and then they are led into another, larger chamber. The door to that chamber rolls up]
Dane 2:In here! Move!
Gerald:Oh God! Oh God, they're gonna kill us! [Dane 5 pushes him along] Nononono wait! Okay, okay it was me! [a line of chairs awaits the trolls, and soon each troll is assigned to one] You're right. I'm skankhunt. But I'm not like them. Please! I have a good job. I'm a good guy. I'm sorry. [his arms and those of the other trolls are strapped to their chairs] I was just being funny. I was trying to make people laugh. That's a positive thing, right? [the Danes leave] I wasn't doing it to hurt people. I was just doing comedy! It's different! Please! It's different! [after Dane 2 leaves, the door rolls down and is locked]
[The First Church of South Park. Sunday service is going on]
Fr. Maxi:Lord, we look to thee on this, our most troubled hour. He have been led astray, and now, all we can do is wait for the inevitable to happen. Soon, everything we have said and done online is going to be known to all. Many lives will be turned upside down. Of course, I have nothing to be worried about. Since I'm a priest, there's nothing I'm ashamed of doing on the Internet, so... definitely no reason to look up my history, but, uh... For many this is a time to pray.
Congregattion:Oh Lord, please forgive us for things we might have done online.
Sgt. Yates:Maggie.
Men:Please try to understand that even if some of us were on ashleymadison.com, it was only out of curiosity and not because we'd actually have an affair. Please understand that we might have used racial slurs, but only because it was to a close friend and never meant to be in public. [the doors open and Kyle and Ike walk in]
Kyle:What are you all doing?! Somebody's threatening your way of life and you're all just sitting here, praying?! Like a... a bunch of babies?!
Ike:Like a bunch of pussies.
Kyle:Come on! This isn't South Park. What's happened to us? We used to have a challenge and deal with it, then move on to the next one. Now we've just been dealing with trolling and Internet stuff over and over, week after week, and I don't know about you, but I'm gettingn pretty sick of it! [moves closer to the altar]
Randy:Yeah!
Kyle:[at the altar] Now, for once let's take a stand and try to end this! We can't let Denmark change who we are!
Randy:Yeah, fuck Denmark!
Congregants:Yeah! Alright! [more chattering]
Kyle:You guys need to... you know, call the President, and get him to... take action.
Congregants:Aw! Oh!
Stephen:Uh, the President? He won't listen to us. He hates us now.
Randy:No, but there's somebody he will listen to.
[The Pentagon, day. The generals brief the President]
Gen. Revaur:Mr. President, we're looking at global destabilization like we've never seen. Countries everywhere are terrified their Internet may be hacked.
Garrison:Well what do they want me to do about it?
General 2:You're the leader of the free world. Everyone is looking to you to be the calm and steady voice they all need.
Staffer 4:Mr. President? [Garrison and the generals turn to face him] Mr. President, the Israeli Prime Minister is on Line 1, the Chancellor of Germany is on Line 2, and a Mr. Slave is on Line 3.
Garrison:Mr. Slave? [walks over to the red phone nearby and picks up] This is the President.
Mr. Slave:Hey, what's up?
Garrison:Well, well, well, crawlin' out of the woodwork to get me back now that I'm a big cheese?
Mr. Slave:No, I'm calling because people want you to bomb Denmark. [behind him are many of the town parents as well as Mr. Mackey, Ike and Kyle]
Garrison:Who wants me to bomb Denmark?
Mr. Slave:Lots of people, 'cause it's like, going to ruin their freedom of speech or something.
Garrison:Mr. Slave, this is all very complicated diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't just go bombing other countries.
Mr. Slave:Oh Jesus Christ, you're such a little bitch.
Garrison:Oh, I'm a bitch, huh? I happen to be President, bitch!
Mr. Slave:You're a little bitch President. You're too scared to bomb anybody.
Garrison:I'm not scarede! My advisors have told me that I-
Mr. Slave:Yeah, you're scared. Just do what your little advisors tell you to do.
Garrison:If I decide a military strike on Denmark is warranted, then I will-
Mr. Slave:You don't have the balls to bomb them, pussy.
Ike:Pussy-ass bitch.
Mr. Slave:Pussy-ass bitch, fuck you.
Garrison:Oh you, oh th-! Okay! You think so, huh? Well watch this, you gay asshole! [to the geneerals] Bomb Denmark!
Gen. Revaur:Sir?
Garrison:The Troll Trace building and the whole fuckin' thing, whatever it is! Get the missiles ready!
Mr. Slave:Yeah, it worked.
The others:Alright! Yeah! Woohoo!
[SpaceX, day. Butters walks down a hallway.]
Butters:[sees a couple walk by] Hello. [starts to hum a tune and goes into the men's room. Cartman follows him in a few seconds later.]
Cartman:What are you doing?!
Butters:Goin' pee!
Cartman:I mean, what are you doing calling my girlfriend fuuny! You'd better back off! You don't even know her! You haven't spent any time with her! You're just saying it! How do you even know she's funny?!
Butters:Well 'cause you keep tellin' everyone she is.
Cartman:Butters, Heidi is everything to me! If you try and take her, I swear to God I will-!
Butters:Eric, Eric, trust me! I want nothing to do with girlfriends! I know what girlfriends do. They make you feel the happiest you ever felt. Then they crawl up inside of you and... poop on your heart.
Cartman:What are you talking about?
Butters:That's how it ends, Eric. Girls get you to feel for them, make you think they're the best thing in the world. And then they leave. Move on to the next thing. And you're left there crying, with your heart covered in poop.
Cartman:Not Heidi. She's different. She's... really... smart. And really... funny!
Butters:Sure buddy. Sure.
[Ike's room. Kyle and Ike are at the computer. Kyle reads some news on the monitor]
Kyle:"Officials have stated that all communication with Denmark has ended and that a military strike on the country is now imminent." [smiles at Ike]
Ike:Yay!
Kyle:"The President stated that since the-"
Sheila:[appears at the door] ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! [Kyle and Ike scream and fall away from the computer] GET OFF THAT COMPUTER!
Kyle:Mom, we were just using it to look at the news.
Sheila:I don't care! I said "No computers!" You kids are addicted to the Internet! You're sick, and you're addicted! It's changed your brother, and now it's turning you against me, Kyle!
Kyle:Uh I'm not against you, Mom.
Sheila:You are! Your father goes away on business and all you do is defy me at every turn! The next time you defy me, it will be your last! Do you understand?!
Kyle and Ike:Yes, mom.
Sheila:And when your father gets home from Denmark, you two are both going in for counseling! [the boys' jaws drop]
Kyle and Ike:Denmark??
Kyle:What is Dad doing in Denmark?!
Sheila:The government sent him over there to do paralegal training. So it would have been nice if you could have shown a little support! [leaves and closes the door]
Ike:Ohhhhh shit.
[The Troll Trace torture chamber. The trolls are still strapped to their chairs, facing a two-way mirror. Gerald is sobbing.]
Anonymous821:Would somebody shut him up?
Dick:Skank. Skank, get a hold of yourself.
Gerald:You were right, Dildo. When you said I was a dick, when you called me an asshole. I am, and I'm gonna die alone, just like you said. [sobs some more]
Dick:Come on, you're not an asshole.
Gerald:You said I was, though, 'cause I only trolled to be... funny.
Dick:Well... uhwell maybe being funny is just sort of how you deal with serious subjects.
Gerald:Really? You don't think I'm a bad person? I'm sorry. All you guys, I'm sorry.
Troll 4:That's okay
Troll 1:Okay.
NWBZPWNR:Okay, Skank, alright.
Gerald:Excuse me. Hello? Could I please speak to the person in charge? [Lennart watches on a monitor with Danes 2 and 5] I have something to say. Pleaes, just for a monent.
Lennart:Bring him to the conference room.
[SpaceX, day. Heidi is still standing before the giant whiteboard tryingt o figure out what all these equations on it mean. She sighs as Cartman walks into view]
Heidi:Dude, I am so not getting this.
[Above the factory floor, on a catwalk, Butters ponders something, and Cartman walks up to him]
Cartman:I just don't understand it. She's always been really smart before. And hilarious.
Butters:Don't feel bad about getting duped, Eric. It's happened to all of us.
Cartman:Nobody's been duped! Stop trying to suggest she's being manipulative! Why would she wanna trick me?!
Butters:The truth is, girls hate us, Eric. They're sick of our shit. And one day, they plan to make us obsolete and stick us underground where we just get milked for our semen. Boys' only hope is to start over on Mars.
Cartman:That's ridiculous! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Heidi is the smartest, funniest person I've ever met! I'm not beng tricked! And I'll prove it to everybody!
[The Troll Trace conference room, some time later. Gerald is with Lennart once again, but wasn't allowed to get dressed - he's still naked. Lennart eats a salad]
Gerald:Oh my gosh, thank you so much for talking to me. I just really need to get something off my chest. [slowly] I'm so sorry. I have had the biggest epiphany about the damage I've done, the people I've hurt, but the fact of theh matter is, I'm not really a troll. I actually have a job. I'm a lawyer. I've got a loving wife and great kids. Um, I've got a family that really misses me and needs me.
Lennart:Freja Øllengård, the volleyball player, had a family too. They miss her quite a lot.
Gerald:And that, uh. That is so tragic, a-and I'm so sorry she was drivne to kill herself by trolling. It's... it's wrong. But you know, I jsut sort of set things in motion. See, I'm a satirist. I challenge people's point of views by being sort of edgy. And sometimes people can be like "whoa" and mistake that for hate, but it's not hate. It's pointing out the hypocrisies in our society.
Lennart:You're so full of-a skinkesalat I can smell it from here.
Gerald:If you say mean things and you're mean, then I agree. You should be killed. Butu if you're being funny, which spreads joy...
Lennart:Do you really think my plan is to kill you?
Gerald:It's not?
Lennart:Lave us. Go. [waves Danes 2 and 5 off] Gogogogogogo. [the Danes leave. Then, in a deeper voice] Do you want to know what's really funny?
[The Pentagon. The generals walk up to Mr. Garrison, who's eating ice cream straight out of the tub]
Gen. Revaur:Mr. President, the bombers are en route to Europe.
General 2:Are you sure you want to proceed with this?
Garrison:Yeah, yeah. Bomb the shit out of them. We have to be tough here.
Staffer 4:[rushes up] Mr. President, the Grand Duke of Luxembourg is on Line 1, the Chairman of the Workers' {arty is on Line 2, and Kyle is on Line 3.
Garrison:Oh Jeez, what does Kyle want? [walks up to the phone and picks up] This is the President.
Kyle:Mr. Garrison! You can't bomb Denmark!
Garrison:Oh, for Pete's sake, Kyle.
Kyle:It's wrong, a-and it could start a bigger war.
Garrison:Kyle, this is all very serious diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't understand the politiccal compleexities involved here.
Kyle:I understand you're a dipshit little gay puppet.
Garrison:Excuse me?
Kyle:Letting your ex-boyfriend manipulate you 'cause you miss his sweet ass.
Garrison:Who told you that?!
Kyle:Everyone knows that. You only do what your little bitch boyfriend manipulates you into doing.
Garrison:Kyle, I am the President.
Kyle:You're a little dipshit President.
Ike:With a dirty asshole.
Kyle:With a dirty asshole.
Ike:And you shit out your dick.
Kyle:And you shit out your dick [covers the transmitter] Where'd you learn to talk like this?
Ike:Daddy.
Garrison:Oh that's what people think, huh? Well, maybe I won't bomb Denmark! What do you think about that?!
Kyle:Yeah you will, 'caise your a little retarded shit bitch.
Garrison:God fucking damnit! Hold up! Hold up on the fucking bombs a minute!
[SpaceX, day. Still at the whiteboard in absolute silence, Heidi tries to understand what she's seeing. Cartman walks up to her]
Cartman:Hey baby, uh, hoe's it going?
Heidi:I don't understand what any of these symbols mean, so, in my head I'm trying to replace them with something I know to try and see patterns.
Cartman:[sniffs] Okay, cool. Um, babe, do you remember that funny thing you were saying about soup the other day? What was that again?
Heidi:And when I do that, I can see how everything lines up, except for one thing. [as she focuses on the equations on the board, the variables turn into emojis, and one hears "I call it emoji analysis, emoji analysis, emoji analysis... Emoji analysis, emoji analysis, emoji analysis..."]
Cartman:Do you, do you um, remember that funny voice you did at McDonald's. You were like "Can you, can you hand me my water" or something. I can't, I can't remember.
Heidi:Those two don't line up, babe. They're the only things that are out of order.
Cartman:Or the time you said a thing about clouds, and I was laughing so hard. What was that again?
Heidi:[turns to face Elon and his aides] Excuse me. Is it possible that the seventh line from the right and the third one up from the bottom left are out of sequence?
Aide 1:I'm sorry?
Heidi:That stuff there. It's in the wrong place. It needs to come before that.
Aide 2:Wait a minute. She might be on to something here.
Cartman:Okay okay now could you just do the "my vagina" thing for them? Could you just say "my vagina"?
Heidi:They're out of sequence! I'll show you! [runs up to Elon and aides]
Cartman:[whhispers to himself] What the fuck is happening?
[The Troll Trace conference room. Lennart goes for some wine]
Lennart:Do you remember-a, Mr. Skankhunt, when you and your little buddies trolled the entire country of-a Denmark?
Gerald:And that was wrong too. I certainly want to apologize for that.
Lennart:That was certinly a display of the power of-a trolling, wasn't it? [turns around and faces Gerald.] But, what would be even-a more impressive?
Gerald:I-I don't understand.
Lennart:What if you could troll... the entire world? Somebody who could rise to political power through nothing more than pishing people's buttons and getting them all riled up. Become the leader of... a Scandinavian country, perhaps? Get them to listen to you when actually, [the Danish accent disappears] you're not even fucking Danish!
Gerald:No way.
Lennart:Use that country to create a machine that relies on the shittiness of people to fuck over other people and watch the whole world go completely batshit! [walks to a small microphone and picks it up] Attention all Troll Trace workers. Please report to Assenbly Hall 1 for a big announcement. [sets the mic on the table again and sits down] Completely fool everyone and keep your real intentions completely anonymous.
Gerald:You would... deliberate;u start World War III? Let the people of Denmark die? Set everyone on Earth against each other? Why?
Lennart:Because it's freaking hilarious! Getting a Scandinavian country to fight trolls? By building a giant machine that actually shows everyone on Earth is kind of a troll too?
Gerald:That's not funny!
Lennart:That's not funny?! Don't be a fag, dude! That's real bro shit there! Sorry to step on your fucking dicks in the mouth and tit jokes, ya amateur little pussy! Come on! Have some fuckin' balls!
Gerald:You can't do this to people! It's not right!
Lennart:[laughs] Listen to you! [picks the mic up again] Alright, everyone. Show's about to begin. [presses a remote control button in his left hand. Dane 4 tries to open a door with a key card, but the door won't respond. He and Dane 2 try to open the door manually, but it's locked. As the lights in Assembly hall 1 get dim, the Danes inside look around. Some doors slde open and out of the way, revealing the torture chamber with 11 chairs, 10 of them occupied. The chair in the middle is empty.]
Dick:What the fuck is goig on? [a projector comes on and displays three identical films on the mirrors facing the trolls. What follows is... a rick roll. :D The video for "Never Gonna Give You Up" plays]
Dane 1:Uh oh
Dick:Wow, that's pretty impressive. [Lennart leaves the conference room]
Gerald:[tries to stop him, but is late] Wait! [Lennart closes the conference room doors and locks him in the room using a key card. Lennart looks at him for a second or two, then turns around and walks away]
[Ike's room, night. Ike looks out the window as snow falls gently down and the moon shines down from above. Kyle stops by and walks in]
Kyle:Ike, it's time. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through with this, but it's the only way now.
Ike:I know.
Kyle:Just remember, I always loved you, little btother.
Ike:I love you too, big brother.
Kyle:Let's just get it over with.
[The master bedroom. The door is open and Sheila is in bed reading. Ike stops by]
Ike:Mommy?
Sheila:Yes?
Ike:Suck my balls. You're a fat bitch. [runs away]
Sheila:Whaaat?! [lets the book fly from her hand, then gets out of bed and chases after Ike] You get back here, you little monster! [Ike runs down the stairs and into the kitchen] I have had it with you! [she comes down the stairs] Don't you run away from me, Ike! [turns right and goes through the dining room] Who do you think you are?! [enters the kitchen and sees Kyle stading by the breakfast table] Where is he?! Where is your brother?!
Kyle:He's in the pantry.
Sheila:Don't you try and hide from me now! You are in big trouble, Ike! [goes into the pantry. Kyle shuts the door behind her and props a chair up under the door knob to keep the door closed so she can't get out] Whaaat?! Whatwhaat?! Kyle! You opent his door right now!! Open this door!! You both are in serious trouble!!
Kyle:Mom? Mom, we are really sorry, but Ike and I need to do something and we have to be able to use the computer.
Sheila:What whaaat?! No computers!! Do not touch the computer!!
Kyle:We have to do this, Mom. It's the only thing that can save our family now.
Sheila:You are done!! Do you hear me?! You are both done!! Aaaaaah!
[End of Not Funny.]