Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat, and Mr. Twig
The Mayor and Her Aides
Jimbo and Ned
Tom, the News Anchor
Creamy Goodness, the Field Reporter
Charlie, the Dyno Might pitchman
Brett Favre, Green Bay QB, No. 4 (cameo)
Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop
South Park Elementary Orchestra Conductor
|[South Park Elementary. Class is in session]|
|Mr. Garrison:||Okay, children, I know that today is the last day of school, and that the last day of school involves pranks, but this is going too far! What have you done with Mr. Hat?! [the kids stay silent] Children, I want Mr. Hat right now! [pounds his desk] The prank is over! [pounds his desk again, and the kids sit still] You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I can't live without him. Well, I can! He's just a puppet. I don't need him. You see? Watch. [starts waiting. Soon he grimaces, then he taps his thumbs together, then taps them faster] GOD DAMMIT, WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU PUT MR. HAT?! [pounds his desk hard, and the apple bounces away]|
|Kids:||[the dismissal bell rings] YEH-|
|Mr. Garrison:||[quite angry] Oh, no, you don't! The school year is over, but summer vacation doesn't start for you little bastards, until Mr. Hat is back on my desk!|
|Mr. Garrison:||Now, I'm goin' to turn around, and when I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat lying right here! [turns around] Okay. Now I'm gonna turn around now. [turns back. Only one student remains] Shit!|
|Pip:||Where did everybody go?|
|[Outside. The kids bolt through the school's front door]|
|[the snow melts away, and a mound of it reveals a boy whose missing person's poster was in the back of the class. He gets up, and his parents rush up to meet him]|
|Mom:||Oh golly, Kevin honey.|
|Dad:||Good to see ya again, son.|
|[the boys don't take the bus home today. They walk past a house where a man stretches in the warm breeze]|
|Man at doorway||Looks like winter is right around the corner. Better get some firewood ready. [uses a chainsaw on the tree in front of the house. Trees all over the area are coming down]|
|[A park, and kids are at play already. The boys walk through it. Faussey chases a ball. Jordan and the soiled kid stand next to each other, but a ball hits the soiled kid and knocks him down. Pip is farther away.]|
|Pip:||[rushes up to them] Oh! Have a good summer, gentlemen! [behind him, Bebe goes after Bill, and Bill screams]|
|Stan:||Shut up, Pip!|
|Pip:||Right-o. Uh. Enjoy some of this summer for me, would you?|
|Kyle:||What do ya mean?|
|Pip:||Welluh I have to spend my summer in summer school. Because I can't be left alone. You see, my parents are dead.|
|Cartman:||Your parents are dead? God-damn you suck, Pip! [the boys laugh at him and walk away]|
[they stop and read the sign]
|Stan:||Oh yeah, dude. It's summer. That means we have to go buy fireworks.|
|Kyle:||I saved up enough money to buy M-80's this year.|
|Stan:||I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.|
|Kyle:||Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat.|
|Cartman:||Eeyy! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack, and blow your balls out all over your panties!|
|Cartman:||[mumbling] Well, I'm just checking, man. Don't mock my kitty, man. [walks off. The others follow]|
|STU'S FIREWORK SHACK|
|Stu:||What can I do for you?|
|Kyle:||We wanna buy M-80's.|
|Stan:||The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's ass.|
|Cartman:||Okay, that's it! [Kenny laughs] Screw you guys, I'm going home. [walks off]|
|Kyle:||What a baby.|
|Stan:||So we'll have ten M-80's, please.|
|Stu:||I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard?|
|Stu:||All fireworks have been banned in Colorado.|
|Kyle:||What do ya mean?|
|Stu:||It was in the paper this morning|
|Kyle:||Dude! Just 'cause some stupid North Park kid blew his hands off, we don't get to buy our M-80's?|
|Stan:||How can they do this to us? Doesn't anyone believe in tradition anymore?|
|Kyle:||Yeah. We've been playing with firecrackers our whole lives.|
|[Kyle remembers their days as toddlers. All four stand in a hallway holding lit firecrackers. Kyle tosses one up in the air and it pops. Kenny holds on to his, to his peril. It pops, and Kenny's head flies off his torso. The rest of the body falls over]|
|Stan:||Oh my gosh ih killed Kenny!|
|Kyle:||Oo bastards! [rats pile on the corpse and nibble away]|
|Stan:||A summer without fireworks is like… I don't know, but it's like-uh, ih, it sucks ass.|
|Kyle:||Yeah-uh now what are we supposd to do?|
|Stu:||[pulls out a fireworks box and takes something out] I can still sell snakes. [lights one up, sets it down, and watches it grow]|
|[City Hall. The Mayor is in]|
|The Mayor:||[on the phone] This is absurd. We need fireworks for our Fourth of July celebration at the lake. [listens] I don't care that some twerp blew his hands off! We've got to have fireworks for our picnic! Hold on, I've got another call. [switch] Hello? No, I don't know where Mr. Hat is. Jesus, Garrison, I've got bigger problems! [switch] Hello, yes? Now what am I supposed to do about our Fourth of July show at the lake? NO, I don't want snakes! This is an outrage! Get me the Mayor! I know that, smartass, I was being ironic! [hangs up]|
|Barbrady:||[gets up from under her desk] Oh I'm sorry Mayor, but I couldn't find the little man in the boat.|
|The Mayor:||Well, keep looking! [pushes him down]|
|The Mayor:||This is ridiculous. We can't have a celebration without fireworks. Whoever heard of a Fourth of July picnic with snakes?|
|Barbrady:||[from under the table] Oh I like snakes. You light 'em and they grow and grow.|
|The Mayor:||Wait a minute, that's it! I've got it. This year, South Park will make history by having the largest snake in the world! The press will love it. I'll be on the front peh- [swoons] Oooooogh.|
|Barbrady:||Huh, I found him.|
|[The bus stop. The boys just can't seem to get into summer wear]|
|Stan:||Man, it's hot out here.|
|Cartman:||What do you guys want to do? We've got the whole summer to play.|
|Kyle:||Dude, what are we supposed to do? We always just play with fireworks.|
|Stan:||I know, let's go sledding!|
|[The top of a hill. The boys have brought their sled, and Cartman is left to go on]|
|Stan:||Come on, Cartman. Get on.|
|Kyle:||Come on, dude, we're ready.|
|Stan:||The hell are you waiting for?|
|Cartman:||Huh. Don't you notice anything wrong with this picture?|
|Kyle:||Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled.|
|Cartman:||Ahem. What ever. [hops on. The sled goes down just a bit, then stops]|
|Stan:||What the hell's goin' on?|
|Jimbo:||[drives by with Ned] Hey there, boys!|
|Stan:||Hi, Uncle Jimbo.|
|Jimbo:||How come you're not blowin' things up? It's summer.|
|Kyle:||Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks 'cause a little boy blew off his hands.|
|Stan:||Yeah, they're not even having 'em at the lake this year.|
|Jimbo:||Oh my God! [revs up] Well, don't worry boys. Uncle Jimbo is on the case. [drives off] Buckle your seat belt, Ned.|
|Ned:||Mmmm-where are we going?|
|Jimbo:||Mejico, my amigo.|
|Ned:||Mmmm-why are we going to Mejico?|
|Jimbo:||Buy fireworks. Just 'cause some kid blew off his hands doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer now, does it?|
|Ned:||Are fireworks legal in Mexico?|
|Jimbo:||Hell, everything's legal in Mejico. It's the American way. [and away they go]|
|[The Mayor's office. Her aides are there now.]|
|Charlie:||At the Dyno Might Firework Company, we have a commitment to excellence. [he is shown with an easel and large notebook] Our focus is on safety while th-|
|The Mayor:||Just cut to the chase and tell us about the snake!|
|Charlie:||Uh oh-kay. [to himself] Let's see. [turns the pages up and over. Page 1: Dyno Might Safe and Spicy. Section 1: Introduction. Section 2: Safety Features. Section 3: We Value The Customer…] Weh-. Now the disk that we are making is approximately 5000 times bigger than the average snake.|
|Charlie:||We have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters and lower it onto the ground at the lake.|
|The Mayor:||[taking notes]> …Comanche helicopters…
||Charlie:||[flips the page] Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all set up around the perimeter of the disk, that are all triggered to fire at the same time.
||The Mayor:||…flamethrowers…triggered at the same time…
||Charlie:||[flips the page. A giant smiling snake is shown rising out of the disk] Once lit, the snake will- grow. [flips the page, and a vaudevillian is shown] And good times will be had by all. [all clap]
||The Mayor:||Well, you see? Fireworks at the lake will not only go on, but perhaps be the best ever. Wait a minute! We're gonna need an orchestra to play the Stars and Stripes!
||Aide 1:||Hey! How about the elementary school orchestra? They had a great version of Mary Had a Little Lamb at their last concert.
||The Mayor:||Yyes! Get the school principal on the phone! And we need somebody to dress up like Uncle Remus!
||Aide 2:||Uh, Mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam?
||The Mayor:||Of course I do, you fuckin' asshole!
||[On the side of a road. The boys are building a snowman, but out of mud. A mudman]
||Kyle:||Dusty, the dirtball
||Stan:||Why does everything have to suck so bad in summer?
||Kyle:||Hehey, look. It's Mr. Garrison [walking by, quite disheveled]
||Mr. Garrison:||[still sleepy] Hhello, children. Hhhow is your summer goinnngg?
||Stan:||Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
||Kyle:||Hey! Have you found Mr. Hat yet?
||Mr. Garrison:||Oohh oh, that old thing? [mechanically] Whah, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
||Stan:||That's good. [long pause]
||Mr. Garrison:||Mr. Hat is just a puppet
||Kyle:||Yeup. [long pause.]
||Mr. Garrison:||Mr. Hat isn't real.
||Stan:||Right. [long pause. Mr. Garrison walks away]
||Cartman:||Hey you guys. My mom signed me up for swimming lessons at the community pool; you wanna come? [the others laugh at him]
||Stan:||Swimming lessons, dude? That is the lamest thing I've ever heard!
||Stan:||Everyone knows that the first graders pee in the community pool.
||Kyle:||Hyeah, Cartman. You're swimming around in first-grader pee!
||Cartman:||Dah-I'm not swimming around in pee!
||Cartman:||My mom says if I take swimming lessons, I could be in the Olympics some day.
||Kyle:||Heyeah, the Fatass Olympics. [Stan is still grinning]
||Cartman:||I am trying to make the best out of a bad situation! I don't need to hear crap, from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial! Screw you guys! I'm going home.
||Stan:||But Cartman, we're tryin' to-
||Cartman:||Hup- Screw you guys. Home. [goes on his way]
||Stan:||What does he mean, living in denial?
||Kyle:||Dude, it's Cartman. He's just being a dumbass like always.
||Stan:||[hops up to put a carrot for a nose on the mudman] There. How does that look?
||Kyle:||Like a- big hunk o' dirt with a carrot sticking out of it.
||[The community pool. Kids are swimming and diving, and a lifeguard looks over the scene]
||Cartman:||[tips his toes into the water] Eh eh eh eh. [backs away]
||Instructor:||[nice blonde, blows her whistle] Okay kids! Everyone in the pool! [the kids jump in] Come on, Eric. We're gonna start now.
||Instructor:||Just jump in.
||Cartman:||I don't wanna.
||Instructor:||It's not gonna hurt ya, hon. Just do it.
||Cartman:||[holds his breath, covers his nose and jumps in] Egh. [comes up and treads water] Deh. Dugh ugh egh.
||Instructor:||There you go. Now, just let the first graders swim by you and then swim towards us.
||Cartman:||Huh? First graders? [they swim by, but stop to look at him. Yellow pools of pee appear in front of them. They swim away] Aawwww, weak, weak. Aaww yeyou sons of bitches!
||[South Park, Stark's Pond. Bleachers are being set up for the Fourth of July picninc, and a chili and donut stand goes up]|
[The Mayor and her aides are supervising]
|The Mayor:||Where the hell is our firework! We only have 24 hours.
||Aide 2:||I'm sure it'll be here any second.
||The Mayor:||Shut up!
||Aide 2:||Copy that.
||Conductor:||[a tall, skinny, bald man] Okay, children. I'm sure we're a little rusty. Where is Eric Cartman?
||Stan:||He's taking swimming lessons.
||Conductor:||Huhoh dear. How are we supposed to sound good without our French horn section? Oh, let's try some scales first. C scale first. And… [They start playing the scale (F# first), but everyone is all over the place.] Hoh? Okay, that was pretty good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No. 5 [they try, but it is just awful]
||Mayor||Oh, we're doomed. Our Fourth of July celeebration is going to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf little shitheads playing- [she sees something] Wait a minute. It's the snake! [the snake appears over the mountain transported by the three Comanche helicopters. Everyone stops to watch]
||Barbrady:||[trying to get everybody back to work] Let's move along, people. If you've seen one giant snake-thingy firework, you've seen them all.
||The Mayor:||Call everybody! The show's back on! Come on! We've only got one day to prepare! [they move out]
||[Mexico. Jimbo and Ned pass by a store that sells cohetes. They stop and walk back to it]
||Jimbo:||Buenos dias, mi amigo. [the proprietor wears a Menudo shirt] Yo soy un Americano spectacularrrr.
||Jimbo:||Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularrrr! [that's what cohetes are: fireworks]
||Proprietor:||¿Necesita usted un cohete grande?
||Ned:||Nnnn-no moleste el gato spectacularrrr. [the proprietor pulls out a large box and places it on the coounter]
||Jimbo:||Would you look at that, Ned! That's a Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies have enough power to blast a firehole right through the ozone!
||Ned:||Mmmm. They're spectacularrrr.
||Jimbo:||Ned. It's our job to get these to children all over America for the Fourth of July. [he and Ned take a rocket each] We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas morning.
||[A house. Mr. Garrison is in his armchair next to a phone looking at TV. A picture of Mr. Hat is in one of his bookshelves. Riinngggg]
||Caller:||Hello, is Mr. Hat there?
||Mr. Garrison:||[wonders] Is this some kind of joke?!
||Caller:||Huh, huh, yes.
||Mr. Garrison:||You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! I'm gonna find out who you are!
||Caller:||Ughuh, I don't think you can, mkay? [Mackey!]
||Mr. Garrison:||[hangs up, upset] God-dammit! [turns on the TV, to PBS, when Shari and Lamb Chop are on. Oops.]
||Shari:||So, Lamb Chop. What would you like to do today?
||Lamb Chop:||Well, I'd like to sing you a song.
||Shari:||Hey, let's sing one to-gether!
As long as we're together, we can do anything.|
We can take on the whole darned world.
We're happy as clams, we've got plenty of pearls.
Through thick and thin, we've always been together…
|[Garrison gets gets madder and madder as the song prgresses, until he imagines himself going to her studio]
||Shari:||Whoa-aaahh! Aaaahh! Aaah! [Garrison approaches, and with a small ax, chops off Lamb Chop from Shari's hand and tosses it onto a lit barbecue grill. Flames rise up and engulf Lamb Chop.] No! Lamb Chop! No!
||Lamb Chop:||[overhead shot of the puppet burning] Shari! Help mee! Big Bird! Big Bird!
||[Garrison is shown smiling away on his armchair, having dreamed out his anger]
||[The community pool. The swimming instructor has five swimmers in front of her at the deep end, and Eric stands alone at the shallow end]
||Instructor:||Eric, you have to get in the deep end sooner or later.
||Instructor:||Just do your side stroke.
||Cartman:||I only know how to do it doggie style.
||Instructor:||That's doggie paddle, Eric! Now, come over here!
||Cartman:||Can I do it doggie style?
||Instructor:||Okay. [Eric starts paddling towards her] That's it! That's it, you can do it!
||Cartman:||Sweet! [three first graders swim by, leaving yellow trails. That stops him] Aaww, dammit! Aw, not again!
||Instructor:||Come on, Eric!
||Cartman:||No way! Sons of bitches, I'm going home! [turns around and leaves the pool]
||[News 4 brief]
||Anchor:||Fourth of July is finally here, and with the statewide ban on fireworks, people from all over Colorado are flocking to South Park. Here with a special report is a normal-looking guy with a funny name.
||Creamy Goodness:||Thanks, Tom, it looks like the firework ban won't be putting a damper on one town's festivities tonight. I'm here at Stark's Pond in South Park, where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists anxiously await the lighting of the largest snake in human history. [some of the folks have picnic blankets set out] Now, as most of you will probably remember, snakes are these little round disks that you light, and they spew out a little snake of black ash. Well, the South Park snake is over half a mile in diameter, and twenty stories high. I'm told that this event won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us. [so it is said, so it is done] Well alrighty then, looks like we're ready.
||[Orchestra stage. Everyone is present and ready to play]
||Stan:||How are your swimming lessons going, Cartman?
||Kyle:||I heard you won't even get in the deep end!
||Cartman:||Well, you heard wrong, hippie!
||[A wide view of Stark's Pond and everyone in the area around it. Then, the mayor is on the main stage with her aides about to address the crowd]
||The Mayor:||Ladies and Gentlemen, good citizens of Colorado. It's my pleasure to be the first person to wish you all a Happy Fourth of July! Let's start with our school band playing the Stars and Stripes!
||Conductor:||This is it. And a-one and a-two and a- [the kids begin to play, and the result is as bad as in practice]
||People in the crowd:||[covering their ears] Oooohhh!
||The Mayor:||What the fuck is that?!
||Aide 2:||I think it's the Stars and Stripes.
||The Mayor:||Oh, hell! [grabs the mike] Light the smake! [everyone cheers. The lighters step forward and fire up the flamethrowers]
||The Crowd:||Ooooo! [the snake begins to bulge.] Aaaah! [The Mayor is pleased with the results]
||[Mexico, near the border at night. Jimbo and Ned drive by an abandoned truck]
||Jimbo:||Alright, Ned. Now we're coming up to the Amrican border. They can't know that we have fireworks in the trunk. Just let me do the talking. [Ned says nothing] Ha ha ha ha, I guess that goes without saying, doesn't it? [laughs some more]
||WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
||[Jimbo and Ned drive up. The border agents attend to them]
||Agent:||Good evening, gentlemen.
||Jimbo:||Hello there, fellow American. We're just anxious to get back to our homeland.
||Agent:||Oh alright, I just need to ask you a few questions.
||Jimbo:||Fire away, we have nothing to hide.
||Agent:||Is anyone other than the two of you traveling in this vehicle?
||Agent:||Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
||Jimbo:||Yeah. [Ned recoils] I mean, no! No.
||Agent:||[brings out his flashlight and turns it on] Open your trunk, please, sir. [moves to the trunk]
||Jimbo:||Damn! Damn, I always get that question wrong.
||[Stark's pond. The crowds are still cheering and the band is still playing, and the snake is still growing. Cartman looks intently at his sheet music]
||The Mayor:||My God, it's beautiful. It never fails to amaze me how I manage to overcome adversity. [the snake is still growing, and the Mayor gets depressed] Say uh, Charlie, when does that thing die out?
||The Mayor:||Yes. You know, expire, end. [Charlie just stands there] Hello, I'm asking you when it stops!
||Charlie:||Uuuh, Aha'm not sure, uh. I never made one this big. I guess we didn't quite think this through, did we?
||The Mayor:||What?! [the snake is now a pillar, rising into the sky]
||Kyle:||[looking up] Dude. That thing is huge.
||Stan:||Yeah, they need to shut it off.
||Cartman:||[distracted] Hey, you guys are screwin' up the song!
||[the crowd is now alarmed as well as awed. Grumbles are heard]
||Man 1:||Somebody stop it!
||Man 2:||It's out of control!
||[Everyone leaves in a hurry. A piece of the ashen snake breaks off and the main pillar lies down and starts moving through the crowd.]
||[The snake heads for the orchestra stage and all the students jump off, except…]
||Kyle:||Kenny, watch out! [Stan and Cartman gasp. The snake slams into the stage]
||Kenny:||(Damn!) [jumps clear and lands under some bleachers. The snake is coming his way] (Oof! Hey you guys, I really, really don't have time to tell you that-aargh…) [the snake mows the bleachers down on him]
||Stan||Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
||The Mayor:||[horrified] Oh my God! [grabs Charlie] You tell me how much longer this thing is gonna last!!
||Charlie:||Huh nowuh, let's see. At normal speed, snake lasts three minutes, this is in con- athuthuthuthuthu a normal snake-
||The Mayor:||So when does it run out?!
||Charlie:||November. Of next year.
||The Mayor:||Oh, hell!
||[The rest of the crowd rushes off in all directions. Kyle picks up a violin and starts playing a dirge. Stan returns and looks at him, then takes up his own violin. Then come Cartman, Bill, Faussey, and the black kid to take up their instruments. This time, they sound pretty good]
||[July 5, 6 A.M., Stark's Pond. News 4 coverage resumes]
||Creamy Goodness:||Well, we're coming up on nine hours, and the giant snake of South Park shows no signs of stopping. Residents have tried everything from firehoses to yelling at it to make the snake stop. But nothing seems to work.
||Tom:||Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe the ashen air, and not ever light any giant snakes in the near future.
||[The snake is now some thirty feet wide and moving down South Park's main thoroughfare, incinerating everything in its path]
||Stan:||Man, this sucks!
||Kyle:||What should we do, dude? The big snake keeps growing; it's gonna demolish the whole state soon.
||Stan:||Well we should do what we always do: ask Chef.
||Cartman:||Where is Chef?
||[An island in the Caribbean]
||Chef:||[singing to some waitresses, one of them holding a phone]|
[slowly] Baby you know you're the girrrl, for meeee
[faster, with a beat] You. And me. And her. Simultaneous
[rrring. He answers] Hello? What? Oh, hello, children! It's a what? A giant snake?! Killing everybody?! Growing bigger?! Children, you know I rarely say this, but, wellll… fudge ya. [hangs up and resumes singing]
|[South Park. The smoke is heavy in the air. Stan hangs up the phone]
||Kyle:||What did he say?
||Stan:||Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
||Kyle:||How's that gonna help?
|Anchor:||All over America, the effects of the giant ash snake of South Park can be seen. [on the U.S. map behind him, the snake is shown having separated into four snakes. The first has gone through the Northwest and backtracked into Canada. The second has gone into the Great Plains and is headed for the East Coast. The third has gone down into Texas and the South, and the fourth has gone through the Southwest and is now in Northern Mexico]
||[Utah. Mormons are gathered at a river to welcome new members into the Church. Baptism, you know]
||Preacher:||Yea, let the Spirit of Heavenly Father be blessed upon you. [dunks the catechumen into the river]
||Assistant:||From this day on, all will be well. [the new member pops up]
||New Mormon:||I already feel like things are getting better. [Snake One comes and engulfs them all]
||All:||Aaaaa- [Oh, well]
||[New York. Mr. Garrison's voice can be heard over some music]
||Mr. Garrison:||… and I can't sleep or think uh. [on a psychiatrist's couch] Where would he have gone? Why would he leave?
||Psychiatrist:||Well um, let me ask you this: why-? Where, where do you think… Mr. Hat… went?
||Mr. Garrison:||How the fuck should I know?! If I knew that, I wouldn't be seein' a fuckin' psychiatrist, would I?!
||Psychiatrist:||Well… I guess, I I see what you're saying, you know.
||Mr. Garrison:||At first, I was sure 'at one of the children took it. But then I remembered that Mr. Hat and I actually had a fight that morning.
||Psychiatrist:||Um. Ahem. [long pause] Are you gay?
||Mr. Garrison:||[jumps up] What?!
||Psychiatrist:||It's it'suh it's just ag, it's just a question.
||Mr. Garrison:||[disgusted] Are you propositioning me?!
||Mr. Garrison:||Well, I can tell you that I am 100% NOT GAY.
||Psychiatrist:||Well I, I believe you, uh Ibe- absolutely believe you.
||Mr. Garrison:||Mr. Hat, on the other hand…
||Psychiatrist:||Mr. Hat was gay?
||Mr. Garrison:||Sometimes he fantasizes about same-sex relations.
||Mr. Garrison:||Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he was in a sauna with Brett Favre, and a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
||Psychiatrist:||That I did not need to know.
||Mr. Garrison:||Well, I'm just sayin…
||Psychiatrist:||Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was actually your gay side trying to come out. You see, it's it's you that's gay, but, but you're in denial. So, you act out your gay persona, with a homosexual puppet. [Garrison doesn't say anything] What do you think about that?
||Mr. Garrison:||I think you're the looney one in this room. [the psychiatrist looks insulted. Snake Two bounds over several buildings, knocking them off their foundations. It smashes through the psychiatrist's window and pins him]
||Psychiatrist:||AaaaAAaaAaaaAagh [his eyebrows burn off, then the rest of him burns up. The snake does not touch the sofa]
||Mr. Garrison:||[stands up and points at the remains] Serves you right, you gay-bashing homo!
||[Texas prison, high security. Jimbo and Ned share a cell]
||Jimbo:||Well Ned, looks like we missed Fourth of July again.
||Jimbo:||Dammit. Those poor kids must've been so disappointed to have nothin' but them stupid wussy snakes to light.
||Ned:||Mmm, well better luck next year ghm.
||Jimbo:||Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try again.
||Ned:||Mmmm-is anyone other than the two of you riding in this vehicle?
||Ned:||Mmmm-do you have any firearms or explosives in the car.
||Jimbo:||Yes? [Ned shakes his head] Dammit, I got it wrong again! What's the answer again? [Snake Three makes its way to the prison and smashes through the wall of their cell. Jimbo is startled] Holy smokes! What the hell is that?!
||Ned:||Mmm-it looks like my ex-wife!
||Jimbo:||Quick, Ned. This is our chance! The Hummer is outside!
||[Green Bay, Wisconsin]
|[A sauna. Brett Favre, wearing No. 4, enters it and removes his shirt, but keeps the towel on. Mr. Hat is already seated on the lower bench]
||Brett Favre:||Hi, I haven't seen you in here before. [Mr. Hat blinks and looks at him. Look who's coming to dinner…]
||[South Park City Hall. The coverage continues]
||Reporter:||As more and more cities are affected by the growing ash and the death toll rises to 3000, [a tree inexplicably falls over] people from all over the country are looking to the Mayor of South Park for answers. [the hall doors open and the Mayor's aides step forward] Heh- And it appears as if the Mayor is going to explain matters now.
||Aide 1:||Uh, ladies and gentlmen, the Mayor regrets that she cannot be here herself, but she is… sick
||Reporter 2:||Sick?! What kind of lame excuse is that?!
||Print Reporter:||You gotta be kidding me!
||Reporter 3:||Ooh, this is rediculous!
||Reporter 4:||Come on! We want answers!
||Other Reporters:||Come on! Come on. Aaww. Come on.
||Aide 2:||Op peh sh she's having her period. [the reporters fall silent. Reporter 3 gasps quietly]
||Reporter 4:||[softly] Oh.
||Aide 1:||We do, however, have an official statement for all the concerened cities about thee matter with thee giant snake that we can't seem to put out.
||Aide 2:||[pulls out the statement and reads it] We're sorry. Our bad.
||Aide 1:||Thank you, that is all. [they turn around and go back into City Hall. The reporters are left grousing]
||[The community pool]
|Cartman:||Okay. No first graders around. I can swim to the deep end. [starts swimming] Yeh. I can do it. I can do it. I can do, I'm gonna make it. [from his view, the diving board is getting closer and closer]
||[From the space shuttle, the snakes can be seen growing longer and longer across the face of the nation]
||[Stark's Pond. The disk is still producing the snake. Stan and Kyle sit under a tree with nothing to do, and next to them a man rests on a billboard with this message on it]
|Stan:||How many days left in summer?
||Kyle:||A lot, I think.
||Stan:||Dammit, I just want it to snow again!
||Kyle:||I don't think it matters, dude. This giant snake is gonna kill everytone soon. [Jimbo and Ned drive up]
||Jimbo:||Buenos gracias, boys.
||Stan:||Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
||Jimbo:||Aw, hell, why the long faces?
||Stan:||There's nothin' to do.
||Jimbo:||Weelll, I don't think those are problems that some Tijuana bottle rockets can't solve. [reaches into the Hummer's trunk and pulls out the boxes containing the rockets]
||Stan, Kyle:||Hooray! [the man next to them smiles. They go get the rockets]
||Jimbo:||Careful with those, now. Those are dangerous. [Stan and Kyle set up the rockets and Jimbo lights them. The rockets are as big as the boys] Point them away from your eyes now.
||Kyle:||Wow. These are huge! [and boy, is he glad they are]
||Jimbo:||Aw, look at 'em, Ned. Look how much happiness a little firepower can bring to a child.
||[The rockets are launched and they head for the snake. Upon impact, the snake falls apart, and the base of it loses its fire. Ash now rains down upon everyone]
||Kyle:||Hey, look! We blew up the snake! [cheers are heard all around him]
||Citizen:||All the ash from the snake is putting the flame out.
||Jimbo:||Hwell, how do you like that? The bottle rockets saved the Fourth of July!
||Stan, Kyle:||Hooray! [crowds begin to gather]
||[The community pool. Cartman has almost reached his goal]
||Cartman:||I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it to the deep end. [he touches the wall at the 9½ foot mark] I did it! I did it! I made it to the deep end! Hooray for me!!
||Instructor:||The snake's been destroyed. The pool's open! [she removes the 'Pool closed' sign]
||Cartman:||Huh? [kids rush in from all around and jump in. The instructor blows her whistle. The kids start swimming and the pool turns a bright, buttery yellow in a flash]
||Kids:||Yay, yippee, yippee [laughter all around]
||Cartman:||OH MY GOD, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! AW, SONS OF BITCHES! [makes his way out along the edge of the pool]
||Citizen 2:||Look, they put out the snake! Yoohoo!
||The Mayor:||[shows up] A yeh-a yes. Apparently, my plan too- blow up the snake wworked perfectly. [Ned, Jimbo, Stan, and Kyle look at her]
||Kyle:||Hey, look! It's snowing! [the others, and the crowd, look and ponder]
||Jimbo:||Well, it's snowing black ash, but what the hell.
||[Clyde, Jordan, the redhead, and the black kid cheer and dance around in the ash. The camera starts to pan around. The mountains are now capped in ash. Stan and Kyle work on an ash man, and Pip is singing with his family once again. His parents are not dead. Clyde and another kid take a sled down an ash drift]
||Stan:||[soiled with ash] Winter's back! [So is Mr. Garrison, holding something other than Mr. Hat. Kyle looks on as he approaches]
||Mr. Garrison:||Wow, it's a black blizzard!
||Kyle:||Mr. Garrison! Where's Mr. Hat?
||Mr. Garrison:||Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a two-timin' whore. From now on, children, you're all gonna be learning from Mr. Twig. [a twig dressed in a purple jacket like Mr. Hat's, but with a small triangle near the left lapel]
||Mr. Twig:||That's right, children. I'll see you in the fall.
||Stan:||Well, I can hardly wait.
||[All is quiet now. Chef drives up and steps out]
||Chef:||Hey, children, everybody! I'm back! I'm back from Aruba! What the-? [before him, some kids play on ash-covered ground. They are pretty much in black-face. Cartman has joined Stan and Kyle in working on the ashman.]
||Cartman:||How's it going?
||[Chef look around. A couple is clearing out ash from the main street]
||Man:||Howdy, Chef. How was your summer vacation?
||Chef:||Okay! Eeeeeehverybody get into line, so I can whup all your asses!
||[End of Summer Sucks. "Simultaneous Lovin' " plays]