Cartman
Heidi
Butters
Stan
Kyle
Jimmy
Timmy
Clyde
Millie
Nelly
Nichole
Wendy
Theresa
Isla
Nathan
Mimsy
Frances
PC Principal
Mr. Mackey
Counselor Steve
Jerry Jones and the NFL Owners
Roger Goodell and the officials
Blue Horse
Sportscasters
| [South Park Elementary, day, the Special Education Bungalow A-5. Class is in session, with Counselor Steve teaching.] | |
| Steve: | O-hokay guys, it's November and who can tell me what that means? [points] Yes, Francis? |
| Francis: | It's time for the Special Ed Science Fair. [the other kids cheer] |
| Steve: | That's right, the Science Fair is this weekend, and I know you're all very excited to show the projects you've been working on. [more cheers] This week we'll be hearing all about your projects and first up we have Nathen and Mimallah. [amid some applause and chatter, Nathan and Mimsy walk in with their project, a volcano.] |
| Nathan: | For our science fait project, we will be showing the destructive force of nature by simulating a volcano! |
| The kids: | Ooooooh. |
| Nathan: | With vinegar and baking soda, we will make this papier-mâché volcano EXPLODE. |
| The kids: | Aaaaaaa. |
| Nathan: | With the power and fury of Mount Kilauea. Our science fair project is sure to be... a blast. Get it? A. Blast. |
| Steve: | All right, what do you guys think of Nathan and Mimallah's project idea? [the kids clap and cheer] |
| Nathan: | We've done it, Mimsy. We're gonna win the science fair for sure. And then, every chick in this school is gonna wanna have sex with us. |
| Mimsy: | Uh, gee boss, I don't know about sex with no chicken. |
| Nathan: | [smack] Not those chicks, numbskull. I'm talkin' 'bout bitches. You know what girls like? They like winners. And when we win the science fair, we're gonna be up to our ears in pussy. |
| [The school cafeteria, lunchtime. There are seven girls at a table with room for an eight. The seven are Wendy, Nichole, Red, Theresa, Isla, Bebe, and Millie.] | |
| Wendy: | Is it just me, or are things around here getting worse and worse? |
| Millie: | It's definitely not just you. I think everyone's in shock that Heidi went back to Cartman. |
| Theresa: | What keeps driving her back to him? It's so weird. |
| Isla: | She's so... mean and angry these days. |
| Wendy: | People change. They say you become more and more like the person you're with and, I guess it's true with Heidi. |
| Heidi: | [joins the girls at the table] Hey guys. What's up? |
| Isla: | Hey, Heidi. |
| Heidi: | What are you guys talkin' about? |
| Nichole: | Nothing. |
| Heidi: | Bullcrap you're all talkin' about me again. 'Cause you're judgmental bitches. [burps] Ehhh. |
| Wendy: | Heidi, are you okay? It's just... you look... |
| Heidi: | I look what? |
| Wendy: | Ngh, you know, y-you just look- |
| Heidi: | What? I look fat? Is that what you wanna say, Wendy? Fuck you, bitch! |
| Theresa: | She's just concerned, Heidi. |
| Heidi: | "Mehmehmehmehmehhh, Heidi." I'm just trying to enjoy my lunch here! Can I do it without you guys shitting on all over me?! |
| [The Special Ed bungalow, day. Jimmy and Timmy are hard at work.] | |
| Jimmy: | All right, good, Timmy. Tset 42a is successful. Let's move on to the next phase. [Nathan and Mimsy walk in] |
| Nathan: | Well hello, gentlemen. |
| Jimmy: | Oh hey fellas, we're doing great. |
| Nathan: | Timmih! |
| Jimmy: | Thought we'd stop by to see how your- science fair project is going. |
| Nathan: | Dah I thought we was comin' to rub their faces in how good our science fair project was, boss. |
| Nathan: | [gets mad, then *smack*] Shut up, Mimsyyy! [to Jimmy and Timmy] So what are you guys workin' on? |
| Jimmy: | Oh, it's fantastic. This year, Tim-Tim and I are doin' our project on [looks into the microscope] water bears. |
| Nathan: | Oh. Water bears. [backs up to Mimsy] You hear that, Mimsy? Like there's any such things as water bears. That blue science fair ribbon is as good as ours. [to Jimmy and Timmy] Well, we've gotta get back to our lave volcano. Good luck finding your, pft, water bears. [he and Mimsy turn around to walk out] |
| Jimmy: | Oh, would you like to see them? |
| Nathan: | [he and Mimsy stop and turn] What? Uh what are you talking about? |
| Jimmy: | Timmy and I have gathered thousands of water bears. Take a look in the microscope. [Mathen steps forward to look into the microscope. He sees some water bears swimming around on the specimen slide. Jimmy continues] Water bears are water-dwelling, eight-legged microanimals. |
| Timmy: | Timmih. |
| Jimmy: | They're one of nature's most resilient animals. [next slide] Studies have shown they can survive lava, and even the vacuum of space. |
| Nathan: | What-? How-? [looks up] Where the fuck did you learn about these things? |
| Jimmy: | Where all good scientists learn from. Octonauts. |
| Timmy: | Octonauts! |
| Jimmy: | Some scientists believe the study of water bears is key to human survival. |
| Mimsy: | Aw jeez, that sounds a lot better than a lava volcano, huh boss? |
| Nathan: | Well, not really, because the science fair is supposed to be an experiment. I fail to see what the experiment is here. |
| Jimmy: | Oh, that's easy. You see, for the past several weeks, Tim-Tim and me have been training the water bears to respond to different sound waves. We found that they respond best to Tayler Swift. Hit it, Timmy. [Timmy presses a button offscreen, and Taylor Swift's "Look What You Made Me Do" begins to play.] Take a look. [the tardigrades soon form a circle of eight of them on the speciment slide. Timmy turns off the player] We still have some training to do, but we're excited about the results. I have to admit, your lava volcano is pretty great too. Maybe we could- tie for forst place. [Nathan looks at Jimmy, then at Timmy] |
| [Mr. Mackey's office, day. Someone kncoks at his door] | |
| Mackey: | Come in. |
| Heidi: | [enters the office. She's almost as big as Cartman now, and angrier] You wanted to see me, Mr. Mackey? |
| Mackey: | Oh yes, Heidi, uh, we just wanted to see if you have transportation to the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend, or if you wanted us to set somethin' up for you. |
| Heidi: | What? |
| Mackey: | ...Uh, Saturday is the science fair, and, you're the judge for the competition? |
| Heidi: | judge a special needs science fair? Ahem, no thanks. |
| Mackey: | Well, Heidi, is there a problem with you bein' the judge this weekend? |
| Heidi: | Uhh, yeah? It's Saturday, and I don't wanna be at skewl? |
| Mackey: | But you're always the judge of the Special Ed Science Fair because you're our best science student. |
| Heidi: | So now I'm gonna be punichsed by being force to judge a bunch of handicapped kids?! |
| Mackey: | But... Okay, you see, the problem is that you volunteered last month, Heidi. You said you wanted to do it, okay? |
| Heidi: | Look, how can you expect students to commit to things a month in advance?! [puts away a stray lock of hair under her cap] I don't even know what I want for dinner tonight. |
| Mackey: | Loo, the kids have worked really hard and have done some amazing projects. |
| Heidi: | You're gonna force me to come to skewl on a Saturday?! |
| Mackey: | Heidi, eh... is everything all right? |
| Heidi: | OH what? Are you gonna call me fat now too?! It just so happens I'm a vegan, which means it'd difficult for me to get enough protein, so my body doesn't burn fat, it burns muscle, which makes it look like I'm fat, but I'm atually WAY healtheir than any of YOU!! |
| Mackey: | Heidi, you're judging the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend. |
| Heidi: | Oh, God damnit! |
| [The Special Ed bungalow, night. Nathan goes up the wheelchair ramp to the room door] | |
| Nathan: | [looks around] Mimsy! Come on! [reaches the door] |
| Mimsy: | Okay Nathan. [joins him] |
| Nathan: | Shhh, shut the fuck up! [picks the lock and opens the door. They go in, look around, then go to Jimmy and Timmy's project] |
| Mimsy: | Gee, we could get in a lot of trouble. Ya, you sure we should mess with Jimmy and Timmy's science fair project? |
| Nathan: | Mimsy, do you know what Jimmy is? He's a cock blocker. |
| Mimsy: | h what's a cock blocker? |
| Nathan: | Every time I come up with a way to score with the ladies, there's Jimmy tryin' to one-up me. This science fair is supposed to finally make us successful enough to get chicks. |
| Mimsy: | D'aw, gee, I don't know if we should use our position of power to exploit women. |
| Nathan: | ... [snack] I'm not letting those assholes win the science fair! [opens a medical bag] That's why I say, the only good water bears are dead water bears. [pulls out a bottle of lighter flu1d and pours it into the tardigrade tank, then follows that up with a bottle of lye. He then gets a curling iron, plugs it in and turns it on, and sticks it into the tank, where it sparks and causes a chemical reaction] Let's go! [they run out of the bungalow as the reaction continues inside.] |
| [The bus stop, day. Instead of the usual four boys standing there, it's four girls - Wendy, Isla, Theresa, and angry Heidi] | |
| Heidi: | This is bullcrap! How can they force me to be the science fair judge?! Now I know how it feels to be a slave! |
| Wendy: | It's... not exactly like being a slave, Heidi. |
| Heidi: | Yes it is! Am I being paid to judge the science fair? No. Do I have a choice? No. "Ohhh, yes masah. Let me judge that science fair for you, suh!" |
| Theresa: | God, will you stop?! |
| Heidi: | Theresa, don't get all aggro on me because you're pissed off your family lives in a trailer. |
| Theresa: | My family doesn't live in a trailer. We live in a tiny home. My parents downsized to make a smaller footprint on the environment. |
| Heidi: | That's what I said. Your family lives in a trailer. |
| Theresa: | There's lots of progressive people living in tiny homes. There's five others on my block. |
| Heidi: | Right. That's called a "trailer park." |
| Theresa: | A-hi don't live in a trailer park! |
| Wendy: | Just don't even respond to her. Just ignore her. |
| Heidi: | I'll try, but she's such a bitch. |
| Isla: | She wasn't talking to you, Heidi. |
| Heidi: | Oh, looks like Isla has something to say, you guys. Hold on, I'm sure this is going to be really profound. Go ahead, Isla, knock us out with you wit and satire. This should be good, you guys. |
| Cartman: | [walks up to Heidi] Hey Heidi, what's up? |
| Heidi: | Oh hey babe, what's going on? |
| Cartman: | Uh, what are you up to? |
| Heidi: | [her voice trails off] Nothiiing, just talking to my girlfriends about tiny homes. |
| [South Park Elementary, day. The school day has started and the last few students are going in. Nathan and Mimsy walk up to Bebe, Nelly, and Nichole] | |
| Nathan: | Well hello there, ladies. |
| Nelly: | Oh, hi Nathan. |
| Nathan: | We just wanted to remind you [hand Nochole a flyer] that this weekend is the Special Ed Science Fair. |
| Nichole: | Oh, cool. |
| Nathan: | Yes, that's right. Pretty soon you'll all be inpressed with what you see. Hope you can make it. [walks off with Mimsy. Moments later...] Did you see that, Mimsy? The way those girls bit their bottom lips when I said "science fair"? We're about to be drowning in muff. |
| Frances: | Nathan! Mimallah! Yuh you've gotta get to Special Ed! |
| Nathan: | Special Ed class isn't for another two hours. |
| Frances: | Nono, you've gotta see this! Jimmy and Timmy's water bears! They've changed! |
| Nathan: | What? |
| [The Special Ed bungalow, moments later. Counselor Steve is checking out the specimen slide through the microscope as the class gathers around and chatters.] | |
| Steve: | Jimmy and Timmy, this is incredible! You've somehow made them even smarter. [Frances, Nathan and Mimsy enter] |
| Nathan: | What's goin' on? |
| Jimmy: | Mathan, it's amazing. The water vears we've trained are starting to didsplay social advancement. |
| Mimsy: | But they're supposed to be dead. [Nathan smacks him] |
| Nathan: | [walks up to Jimmy and Timmy's table] What social advancement? |
| Jimmy: | They've actually evolved to the point of doing the hokey pokey. |
| Nathan: | The hokey pokey? [looks down into the microscope and sees the tardigrades. "The Hokey Pokey" plays as the water bears begin synchronized dancing.] You've gotta be fucking kidding me. |
| Steve: | Boys, this might be the single greatest Special Ed Science Fair project I've ever seen! |
| [South Park Elementary, hallway. Cartman and Heidi walk down the hallway holding hands looking angry] | |
| Heidi: | Butters. |
| Butters: | Whoa. [turns around] Uh hey. |
| Heidi: | How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair thsi weekend? |
| Butters: | Uhh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party. |
| Cartman: | Butters, don't be a dick! |
| Heidi: | Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible! |
| Cartman: | Yeah, Butters! God! [rolls his eyes] |
| Clyde: | [walks up to Heidi and Cartman] He's not making it up. It's my birthday party. |
| Cartman: | Well then, could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the Special Needs Science Fair. |
| Stan: | [walks into view with Kyle] What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends. |
| Heidi: | Because nobody wants to be trapped, in a gym, with Specila Ed Science. |
| Kyle: | Actually, some of their projects are pretty cool. |
| Cartman, Heidi: | Shut up, Kyle! [to each other] Samesies! [they kiss each other on the lips] |
| Heidi: | Look, it's all just a complete waste of time! It's not like the Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society. [a helicopter is heard over the school. In front of the school, the helicoptter lands on the lawn as several blakc cars and vans roll up to the school. A bunch of men in black suits get out of the vehicles and walk into school] |
| Jerry Jones: | [leading the men] Move. Move aside, kids. Officla business! |
| An NFL owner: | Move it, children. [the kids make way for the NFL owners] |
| PC Principal: | Excuse me, can I help you? |
| Jerry Jones: | We uderstand that you're about to have a science fair with some very interesting experiments. |
| PC Principal: | That's right, the science fair is this Saturday from 10 am to 2 pm. |
| Jerry Jones: | We're here to help however we can. Your special ed department has all our resources and all our support. This science fair... just might be what saves us all. |
| [The school playround, day. As the other kids play, an upset Heid walks around Cartman] | |
| Heidi: | What the hell is going on?! Everywhere I turn, people are being given handouts while I'm forced to work my ass off! It's total bullshit! |
| Cartman: | Yeah... uh... Babe, uh I understand that you're pissed off, but, um, you know it is recess. Maybe we should relax and have some fun? |
| Heidi: | [stops] Relax?! How can I relax?! I get straight A's! I ace every test! And who gets all the support?! The Special Ed Department! |
| [The Special Ed bungalow, day. It's been considerably beefed up, with two tents, one on either side, connected to it, and an even bigger tent behind it. A tower with two satellite dishes and two poles with klieg lights on them stand behind the smaller tents. Two workers haul some equipment up the ramp and into the classroom.] | |
| Jerry Jones: | Good. Bring it on in. These kids need to have access to everything they need. |
| Jimmy: | Wow, look at this, Tim-Tim. They've all been researching water bears too. |
| Jerry Jones: | That's correct. [two workers roll up a whiteboard with a diagram of a tardigrade on it, with parts of the body clearly labeled.] Like you, we've come to realize that water bears are te key to our future. [walks up to the projcet right after Jimmy and Timmy do] Are these the special water bears that we read about on your school message board? |
| Jimmy: | That's right. The water bears we've been working with appear to be evolving somehow. |
| Jerry Jones: | Then they are the key to our survival, boys. |
| Nathan: | Gentlemen, perhaps I can interest you in a lava volcano. You won't believe your eyes when I add some simple baking soda. |
| Jerry Jones: | [turns to face him] There's no time for that! We need everyone working on Jimmy and Timmy's project. I'm gonna let you kids all in on a little secret. We don't wanna create a panic, but... the End is very near. nd we have very little time. |
| [The school gym, day. An assembly has been called and all the classes ar there. Heid is at the podium while Cartman stands next to her] | |
| Heidi: | Fellow students, I have asked to speak today because of the hypocrisy and bullying that is coming from the administration at this so called... skewl. It is an outrage that our principal and counselor denand our participation in privileged prorams that are outrageously overfunded. Why is it that the school allows funding that only goes to special needs students? Are the rest of us not special? If we are continually asked to work for no money and ask our parents to pay for our programs, then soon we will all be poor, and forced to live in a trailer park like Theresa. |
| Theresa: | It's not a trailer! |
| Heidi: | Theresa, [that lock of hair comes down again] get over it, you live in a trailer park, it's not a big deal. [she puts the lock back in place] |
| Cartman: | Uh, o-okay honey, you're kind of getting off-topic, sweetie. |
| Heidi: | What did you say?! |
| Cartman: | Uh just, uh-uhm, I just want you to stay on point so we can get this over with. |
| Heidi: | GET THIS OVER WITH?! You're supposed to be supporting me! |
| Cartman: | I am supporting you, sweetheart! |
| Heidi: | Being supportive doesn't mean you criticize me, asshole! Just forget it! My point is, if the school admimistration doesn't cancel the science fair, I will see to it that they are all fired for discrimination! |
| Mackey: | She's... kind of like Cartman, but with the ability to follow through. |
| PC Principal: | Oh, dude. Bro. |
| [The Special Ed Bungalow, later. Jerry Jones and a few other owners stand behind Jimmy and some other students as Jimmy looks into the microscope] | |
| Jimmy: | Frances, can you hand me the sound wave generator? [Frances hands it to him] |
| Nathan: | This is bullshit! The Special Ed Science Fair is turning into a lovefest for Jimmy and Timmy's project! They're gonna get all the fame and glory! |
| Mimsy: | D'aw, I guess we kind of shot oursevles in the foot, huh boss? If it weren't for us, those water bears wouldn't have even gotten smarter in the first place. |
| Nathan: | [aropa and thinks] Hey, Mimsy, that's right. They don't deserve the credit, we do. [speaks up] Uh, excuse me. If you're all trying to figure out why these water bears are different, you're talking to the wrong guys. [Everyone turns to face him] |
| Jimmy: | Wha-what do you mean, Nathan? |
| Nathan: | Mimsy and I did some experimenting with the water bears on our own. |
| Mimsy: | We was tryin' to kill 'em. [smack] |
| Nathan: | It was us who made them evolve, so we should be the ones working for the government. |
| Jerry Jones: | The government? Wuh we aren't the government. |
| Jimmy: | Yuh you're not the government? But you said you were here to help stop us from becoming extinct. |
| Jerry Jones: | Not you, us. We're with... the NFL. Our fans are leaving at an exponential rate. We've been nit with anthem protests, protests of those protests, and worst of all, concussions. The more reports that come out, the more people are getting turned off by football. We've been experimenting with water bears because... we believe they are our last hope. |
| Jimmy: | Oh, I get it. You've been experimenting with water bears to see how to make humans more impervious to concussions. |
| Jerry Jones: | No. We've been experimenting with water bears to try and make them... FANS. |
| [NFL Sunday Night Football on NBC.] | |
| Sportscaster 1: | A beautiful night for football here in Los Angeles as the Chargers take on the Buffalo Bills. |
| Sportscaster 2: | And a record sellout crowd here at the stadium. Football clearly more popular than over with a whopping 17 milliion in attendance. [shown are a smatterig of fans, with the rest of the seats being occupied by small tanks of tardigrades] |
| Sportscaster 1: | The NFL, of course, working really hard to reach new viewers, and it looks like they found their answer in tardigrades. |
| Sportscaster 2: | [a camera crew focuses on one tank] The water bears are thrilled to be here and of course, love seeing themselves on the Jumbotrom. [which shows that tank's sea bears onscreen] They're all ready for some football and enjoying tha fan favorite Kiss Can. [two tardigrades are shown kissing] |
| Sportscaster 1: | And we're ready for kickoff as the cheers of 17 million fans rock the stadium! [the Chargers kick off and the Bills catch the football and begin their charge. Nothing but crickets are heard as a Bills player is taken down.] |
| [The Special Ed Bungalow, later. The NFL owners now look over Nathan's shoulders as he looks into the microscope. The other students are at their own tables] | |
| Jerry Jones: | We're running out of time. We have to see if these water bears truly are different. Insert the box. [a fellow owner grabs a microscopic box with tweezers and carries it over to the table. He puts it into the specimen slide] Gently. What do you see now? [thte tweezers are removed.] |
| Nathan: | Ahhh, Iii see the box. [a microscopic FedEx box] What, what's in the box? |
| Jerry Jones: | Whar are the water bears doing? |
| Nathan: | Uhhh, they're just walkin' around and ubb, oh wait! They appear to be interested in the box. |
| Jerry Jones: | These water bears are different. [the classromo door opens and in walk Heidi, Cartman, Mr. Mackey and PC Principal] |
| PC Principal: | All right, everyone, listen up. Give me your attention please. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we are cancelling the Special Ed Science Fair. >[the students begin to talk amongst themselves] |
| Owners: | What? Cancelling? |
| Jerry Jones: | You can't cancel the science fair. We're on the verge of a breakthrough here. |
| Heidi: | Ir's cancelled. You guys can get all this shit out of here and leave. Thank you! |
| Jerry Jones: | You don't understand! The Special Ed Science Fair is our only hope! |
| Mr. Mackey: | Oh I'm sorry, but um, our hands are tied, by Heidi. [Jones and the other owners whip out their guns.] |
| Jerry Jones: | I think you all fail to see the seriousness of our situation! Football is dying! |
| Mr. Mackey: | [he and PC Principal put their hands up] Whoa, whoa whoa, okay. |
| Jerry Jones: | [to another owner] Close the door! [the owner closes the door] Everyone back to work! Nobody... [two special ed kids and Cartman slip out of view] will stop this Special Ed Science Fair! |
| Another owner: | [with his gun aimed at Nathan] Do what he says! |
| Nathan: | Oh! Uh okay, Jesus Christ! |
| Heidi: | [finds Cartman] Are you just gonna stand there?! Do something! |
| Cartman: | What the hell do you want me to do?! |
| Heidi: | I want you to have some BALLS and act like you care about me! |
| Cartman: | Heidi, you need to stop being such a bitch! |
| Heidi: | [gets closer to him] Call me a bitch again! Do it! [gets in his face] Call me a bitch again! |
| Cartman: | You are... acting... like a... bad girlfriend. |
| Heidi: | That's what I thought! |
| Nathan: | Hey, uh wait a minute! The water bears have changed again. I think it's working. |
| Jerry Jones: | Let me see that! [looks through the microscope] Yes. Yes, they're starting to adapt. [the water bears now sport jerseys from various teams. He increases the magnification] Sonofabitch, we just might have oursevles some fans! [stands up] Now quuickly, children! We must replicate these water bears to create more! [Nathan gets back on the microscope] |
| Heidi: | If nobody else is going to do anything, I will! [runs up to the microscope, yanks the fish bowl from it, and runs to the door] |
| Nathan: | Wha-ah? |
| An owner: | The water bears! |
| [The playground, moments later. Heidi runs across it, followed by the NFL owners, followed by the special ed kids, followed by Mr. Mackey and PC Principal, ...followed by Cartman] | |
| Cartman: | Heidi! Heidi, will you please listen to me?! |
| [The school hallway, moments later. Heidi runs down it, pushing other kids out of the way] | |
| Heidi: | Move it! Get the fuck out of the way! I said get out of the way, you assholes! [followiong are the NFL owners, the special ed kids, Mr. Mackey and PC Principal, ...and Cartman] |
| [The school entrance, moments later. Heidi goes out the front doors, but sees more NFL owners in front of her and she panics] | |
| Another owner: | We got the fat girl, front of the school. |
| Heidi: | Shit! [turns around and goes back inside, only to see all the people chasing her down.] |
| Jerry Jones: | Little girl, stop! [Heidi begins to pant] It doesn't have to end this way. |
| Cartman: | [makes his way to the front of the group] Move aside! Move aside! [finally sees Heidi] Heidi, seriously, you need to listen to me! |
| Heidi: | I don't... have to listen... to anybody! |
| Cartman: | Yes, yes you do! You need to listen! |
| Heidi: | Fuck you! |
| Cartman: | No, fuck you! |
| Jerry Jones: | Little girl, please! What you have in your hand is very special. |
| Heidi: | Well I'm sick of everyone treating me like shit! |
| Jerry Jones: | Think about the NFL. How much joy it brings to everyone! |
| Nathan: | Don't listen to them. Give the water bears to me. I deserve all the fame and bitches. |
| Cartman: | Heidi, you've gotta stop being so angry. |
| Jerry Jones: | Look, if you- if you don't do it for the NFL, what about humanity? Those creatures are showing the first signs of sentience. Think about what they could mean for science. For medicine. Making people better. |
| Cartman: | Come on, babe. We all want the old Heidi back. [Heidi looks up and notices Wendy, Theresa, and Isla looking down upon her] |
| Heidi: | [looks down at the water bears, then looks up again] Screw all you guys! |
| NFL Owners, Special Ed kids: | NOOOO! [Heidi chugs the fish bowl down like a college student, wipes her lips, then burps] |
| Cartman: | Dude, wwow. |
| [Cartman's house, later. He and Heidi sit on the sofa, with Heidi doing all the eating and channel-switching while covered by a purple blanket] | |
| Heidi: | [angrily] Is there something you wanna talk about? |
| Cartman: | No. I was just... trying to... figure out why you decided to drink 20,000 microanimals that were showing signs of intelligence. |
| Heidi: | Whatever. It's Saturday, and I'm not in skewl. |
| Cartman: | Yeah, you're, you're not in skewl. |
| Heidi: | [goes back to eating chips] How come we never snuggle anymore?! |
| Cartman: | [alarmed] Why what? |
| Heidi: | We used to snuggle all the time and it's totally gone away! What happened?! |
| Cartman: | Well, but honey, we still- |
| Heidi: | SNUGGLE! |
| Cartman: | [gets closer to her] Yes yes, let's, let's snuggle, yes. [she shares her blanket and snuggles] |
| Heidi: | God damnit, how come there's nothin' to watch on Saturday but kids cartoons?! |
| Blue Horse: | Hohall right, kids. Now let's do the hokey pokey. [begins to sing the song] |
| Heidi: | Oooo. [her belly begins to move to the music] What's goin' on in here? |
| Cartman: | Oh, what is goin' on in here? |
| Heidi: | I feel somethin' moving around. I-it- [farts] |
| Cartman: | Yeesh. [backs away] |
| Heidi: | [farts again] SNUGGLE! |
| Cartman: | Okay, okay honey. [gets close to her again, but she farts again] Eughah, ah. |
| [NFL Headquarters, New York City, day. Roger Goodell sits in his office flanked by two other officials] | |
| Roger Goodell: | Well, did you have any luck, Mr. Jones? |
| Jerry Jones: | I'm afraid, Commissioner, that the Special Ed Science Fair failed to produce more viable water bears. |
| Officlal 1: | Then the NFL truly has no hope. |
| Officlal 2: | We're done for. |
| Jerry Jones: | Not quite. [a lab worker wheels something in and leaves] We were able to obtain somethin' else [picks up a beaker] that just might be our future. [pours the beaker into the volcano Nathan offered to him earlier] |
| Goodell and the officials: | Ooohhhh! |
| [End of Moss Piglets.] |