Jimbo and Ned
Sheila and Gerald Broflovski
Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig
Chamber of Farts Operator
Bob, W.T.H.I.T! host
Tom and Mary
Two Cowboys, one of them Mitchell
|[A game show. The audience is applauding a couple onstage. The host and lady assitant stand near them]|
|Host:||Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to the final round. Are you ready to play for the grand prize?|
|Tom and Mary:||We're ready, Bob!|
|Bob:||Any particular prize you're hoping for?|
|Mary:||Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would be fun, too!|
|Tom:||Oh, anywhere would be great!|
|Bob:||Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck. Here we go. What is the thin flap of skin that runs from the base of the penis to the scrotum? [the couple has 9 seconds to answer]|
|Tom:||Oh. Oh wait wait, I know this. [grips his head with both hands as time runs out]|
|Mary:||The upper vascular hood.|
|Bob:||I'm sorry, but YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. [Tom and Mary exult] Heheh, tell them what they've won.|
|Announcer:||Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats, because you're going to beautiful South Park, Colorado! [a cowgirl shows off the picture of the town. The audience oohs and aahs]|
|Announcer:||That's right, just in time for Cows Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo and carnival. [A poster of Cow Days appears, then rotates to one of South Park. Scenes of the announcer's descriptions show up] Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna be a part of it. You'll stay at the spectacular Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt Road [it says "motel," though], and enjoy festivities, including prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous Running of the Cows! [the audience is awed as a group of cows is shown] Congratulations, Tom and Mary.|
|Bob:||Well, Tom, Mary, you must be very excited.|
|Tom:||What was second prize again?|
|Bob:||That's all for now. See you tomorrow on [the audience joins him here] "Ooo, What The Hell Is That!" [the theme music plays them to commercial]|
|[South Park, the rodeo ring. A rider falls from his horse as it jumps some barrels.]|
|14th ANNUAL COWDAYS|
|[the carnival stage, on which the Mayor and her aides now stand]|
|The Mayor:||Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off the 14th Annual South Park Cow Days! [cheers go up. The Mayor and her aides wear Cow Days buttons. Others wear Cow Days shirts and wave little flags with cow designs on them] As most of you know, Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate and thank the noble, gentle cows. [the crowd cheers wildly] And now, the chairman of Cow Days, Jimbo Kern!|
|Jimbo:||[approaches the mike] This year is a very special Cow Days because we are revealing our all-new Cow Memorial! [a curtain covers it still] Which will live forever in South Park from this day forth. Release the curtain! [the curtain comes down and a large statue of a cow is revealed, with a large clock attacked to its belly. It is now 1 p.m. The statue moos and the crowd cheers. Ned is up front, and Tom and Mary are next to him]|
|Mary:||This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!|
|Tom:||Now, Mary, this is our only vacation for years. We have to make the best of it
||Mary:||Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We just need to stay positive.
||The Mayor:||Now get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful games!
||[the carnival gets underway. People mill around]
||Toss-a-Ball Operator:||["3 for $5"] Hey, come on over here, kids. Win fabulous prizes. [Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny approach]
||Kyle:||Wow, dude, check it out! We can win Terrance and Phillip dolls. [fanfare and close-up of the dolls]
||Stan:||Are those REAL Terrance and Phillip dolls? They look all crappy.
||Kyle:||Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs.
||Operator:||Sure they're real. They're even made in Canada.
||Operator:||Yeah, look. They're even signed by Terrance and Phillip themselves. [shows them the tag: "TERENSE AND PHILLUP" with the R backwards]
||Kyle:||Dude, that kicks ass!
||Cartman:||[breathlessly] Oh, dude, I gotta win those. How much to play?
||Operator:||Five dollars for three balls.
||Cartman:||Five dollars?! Jesus Christ!
||Operator:||Don't worry, kid, it's easy. You just gotta put one ball through Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth. [duly shown]
||Operator:||Okay, we've got a player!
||Cartman:||Ay! Check it out! [tossed the ball and misses, just to the right of the mouth] Damn it!
||Operator:||Okay, son, you've still got two balls to try and get through her yapper.
||Cartman:||Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt! [fires away again, and misses]
||Kyle:||You suck, Cartman!
||Cartman:||I'd like to see you do better!
||Kyle:||Give me that! [takes the ball and throws it. It goes into the mouth, but falls out and away] Hey! It hit her right in the mouth!
||Operator:||It's gotta go through her mouth
||Operator:||Sorry, kid, try again. Just five more dollars.
||Kyle:||Here, give me some money, Cartman! [Cartman looks at him and starts laughing] Lend me money, fat boy!
||Cartman:||I only have three dollars left, asshole!
||Kyle:||Damn it! Come on! I'll try to get more money from my mom. [the boys walk off]
||Jimbo:||[onstage] Okay, everybody! It's time for the Running of the Cows! [the crowd cheers]
||Kyle:||[finds his parents] Mom, give me some money!
||Sheila:||Kyle, what are you doing here?! This is very dangerous!
||Kyle:||I need $17 so we can win Terrance and Phlllip dolls.
||Sheila:||Kyle, get back into the carnival this instant! You can't be out in the street!
||Kyle:||I will if you give me money!
||Sheila:||Okay, here! [hands him some bills. Kyle moves away]
||[Back on stage, Jimbo has some more things to tell the guests]
||Jimbo:||[amid cheers] Okay, everybody, okay. Settle down. Now I know you're all anxious to get to the Running of the Cows, BUT, let me remind you: those brave souls who have decided to run against the cows through town do so at their own risk. I don't think I have to remind you that three people died in last year's Running of the Cows. [the crowd pays no heed and keeps cheering] With that said, let's rock and roll! [the crowd strains at the starting line. Halfy is there, too] Everybody ready to run? [yes] Release the cows! [the corral doors open, but not a cow moves. The crowd rushes forth] They're loose! [leaves the stage]
||Cows:||[bewildered at the townsfolk] Mooooo?!
||[The townfolk scream wildly while the cows remain in the corral and moo some more.]
||Ned:||[runs into a phone pole and falls] Ow.
||[One cow timidly leaves the corral. A townsman looks back as he runs, and finds himself impaled on the lower half of a shattered phone pole]
||Jimbo:||[runs by] Yeehaw!
||[A red heifer chews on some grass just outside the corral. A man comes and tries to provoke a grazing cow, but the cow ignores him. The man shakes his ass at the cow, then runs away screaming]
||[the carnival. A Chamber of Farts stands near a Ferris wheel. Its entrance consists of a huge lavender ass with doors through which the cars enter]
||Kyle:||Okay. We've got $15 between us. That means we get nine balls to throw.
||Cartman:||I only need one, dude. I only need one.
||Operator:||Come one, come all. Get in line now, for the Chamber of Farts.
||Operator:||Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
||Cartman:||How much is it?
||Operator:||Just three tickets, boys. [into the mike] Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
||Kyle:||Is it like a- haunted house or something?
||Operator:||Sure. It's veery scary.
||Cartman:||Let's see: each ticket is a dollar, so three tickets is like two twnety-five.
||Kyle:||No. We can't, dude. We have to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
||Cartman:||Oh come on, you guys. We still have plenty of money left over.
||Kyle:||You'd better be right, dude.
||Operator:||[the boys step up to the ride and car 15 comes to them. They get in] Keep your hands in at all times.
||[they go in. They pass through a cemetery with asses everywhere. A man has his pants down just enough for his ass to poke through, a dog next to him has its tail up, there are flying asses about, and some volcanos poke through the ground. All are farting. The car stops]
||Operator:||So, the Chamber of Farts has another victim, eh? Don't be afraid. There aren't any ghouls here, only FARTS! [the car starts up again, and Catman gets a dose of farts from an ass jet]
||Cartman:||Eh! God-damnit! [as they enter the Hall of Farts, a wailing fart is heard from two figures hanging from spider webs]
||Stan:||What the hell was that?
||Operator:||Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS! [the car heads for a woman stretched out in torture. A weak fart escapes from her. The car leaves the Gas Caverns] All right, boys. Ride's over.
||Kyle:||That was the dumbest ride I've ever seen!
||Stan:||Yeah. What the hell kind of carnival company are you?!
||Cartman:||[as they step down] I don't know what you guys are talking about! That scared the crap out of me!
||Kyle:||That was a waste of money, Cartman!
||Operator:||Hey, if you guys want a great ride, get in this line. It's only seven tickets.
||Kyle:||We can't. We're saving our money for the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth game.
||Cartman:||Kyle, will you relax, you pink eye? We have plenty of money. [$12. Cartman gets into line, then goes back for the others] Come on, you guys! It'll be sweet!
||[The Cow Memorial, 12:59 p.m. A cow comes to look at the statue, and the clock strikes 1 p.m. The statue moos. The cow looks around, then moos. Two more cows arrive. Back in the line, the boys near the front of it]
||Kyle:||This ride better be good!
||Stan:||Yeah, this line is way too long!
||Cartman:||I think we're almost to the end.
||Kyle:||We'd better be. We've been in line for almost an hour!
||Stan:||Here we go. [passes under a LINE RIDE banner]
||Line Ride Operator:||Did ya enjoy the ride?
||Line Ride Operator:||This was the Line Ride, a real live simulator of a long line.
||Kyle:||Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me!
||Line Ride Operator:||That's five tickets, thank you very much. [a two-ticket discount! The boys pay up and leave with $7] Come see us again soon.
||Stan:||My ass we will!
||Kyle:||Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion, but I think the Line Ride sucked donkey balls!
||Stan:||Yeah, let's not ride that ride again.
||Photo Seller:||Would you like to buy a photo of you boys enjoying the Line Ride? [shows them the picture]
||Photo Seller:||Just three dollars.
||Cartman:||Hunh that's, that's pretty sweet. [buys the picture, now has $4]
||Kyle:||You dumbass, Cartman!
||Cartman:||What? This is cool.
||Kyle:||No, it's not cool!
||Cartman:||It is, too! [they head back to Toss-A-Ball]
||Operator:||Can I help you boys.
||Stan:||We're gonna try to win those Terrance and Phillip dolls again.
||Operator:||O-kay, five dollars for three balls.
||Kyle:||How much do we have left, Cartman? [Cartman leafs through the bills, but doesn't answer] How much do we have left, Cartman?!
||Cartman:||Aah, three dollars.
||Kyle:||What?! You said we had plenty of money, Cartman!
||Cartman:||Yeah, but I didn't take into account the fact that I suck at math.
||Kyle:||You son of a bitch! Aaargh! [lunges at Cartman, and they fall to the ground, wrestling.
||[A view of the carnival. After a while the boys calm down and stand up again]
||Kyle:||Well, Cartman, thanks to you we don't have any money left to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
||Cartman:||Well, I'm sorry!
||Kyle:||Well, sorry's not good enough! What are you gonna do about it?
||Cartman:||[thinks a moment] Hey! I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him!
||Kenny:||[pulls some out] (What? These?)
||Stan:||Sir? Will you take food stamps for three balls?
||Operator:||Sure, as long as they're good.
||Kyle:||Give him your food stamps, Kenny!
||Kyle:||Come on, dude! I can do it! I'm sure!
||Kenny:||(Dude, these are my fucking food stamps! How am I going to eat without all these food stamps?)
||Cartman:||Damnn it, Kenny, don't be such a food-stamp hog! Share with the rest of your friends! [Kenny hands them to the operator, and Kyle receives the balls]
||Kyle:||Okay. Here we go. [throws the first ball into Jennifer's mouth, but it bounces away] Hey! That was right on target.
||Operator:||Sorry, kid. Try again.
||Kyle:||[throws the next ball in, but it bounces away] That does it! Shenanigans! [points an accusing finger at the operator, then turns around] SHENANIGANS!
||Operator:||Uhwhat are you doing?
||Kyle:||I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This game is rigged!
||Officer Barbrady:||[arriving] What's all the hoo-ha?
||Kyle:||Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans on this carnival operator.
||Kyle:||This game is fixed! The balls are bigger than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth!
||Officer Barbrady:||If that is true, then your declaration of Shenanigans is just. [raises his baton and points it at the operator] What do you have to say, carnival operator?
||Operator:||Look, the kid was really close. He still has another ball left. Leh let's try again, son. [reaches behind the counter and switches balls. Kyle gets a smaller one] Here you go. [Kyle tosses it, and it goes clear through the mouth] There, you see? We have a winner!
||Officer Barbrady:||Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people! That's how wars get started!
||Stan:||Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.
||Stan:||Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?
||Officer Barbrady:||You said Buttbaby. [the boys start laughing after a few seconds]
||Operator:||Okay, kid, you won. You get to pick between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and the Bon Jovi Toothpick.
||Kyle:||No! Dude! I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls up there.
||Operator:||Oh, nonono, you gotta win seven times to earn those.
||Operator:||You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then you can trade them in for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
||Kyle:||You dirty son of a bitch, you never told us that we had to win-
||Operator:||Step on up, just five dollars to play!
||Kyle:||Damnit, I have to have those dolls! [walks off pissed. The others follow]
||Stan:||This is hopeless. We're never gonna have enough money to win.
||Kyle:||[something stops him] Wait a minute! I've got it! The bullriding contest. Cartman could ride a bull, and try to win $5000. [the other boys look at him] Think about it, dude: $5000. That's 1000 set of balls. That's 3000 balls! We'd have to win enough to get the dolls!
||Cartman:||What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull?
||Kyle:||[grabbing Cartman by the collar] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna break your fuckin' head open!
||Cartman:||O-kay, I'll- get on the bull.
||Kyle:||All right! Now, come on! We have to practice! [walks away. The others watch him]
||Stan:||[to Cartman] He really wants those dolls.
||Cartman:||I guess, damn!
||[Tom and Mary have just exited the Chamber of Farts on car 11]
||Mary:||That ride wasn't very good.
||Tom:||Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time.
||Mary:||You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll try and have a good time.
||[the Cow Memorial. The clock now reads 1:59 p.m., and seven cows stand before the memorial. Two o'clock strikes, and the statue moos twice. The cows answer with two moos of their own. More cows arrive]
||[the town bar]
||Stan:||Hey, uh this mechanical bull's gonna help you practice for the real thing, Cartman.
||Cartman:||Hey, this is sweet.
||Kyle:||You've gotta try and stay on for ten seconds. Okay, Cartman?
||Cartman:||I'll try. Ten seconds is a long time.
||Stan:||We'll start on the slowest setting and work our way up. Ready? Go. [Kenny presses the switch. The mechanical bull starts to move]
||Cartman:||Yikes! [the bull throws him off, and he lands in a Zoomin' Pinball machine, face up] Ow! [glass scatters all around] Son of a bitch!
||Stan:||How long was that?
||Kyle:||That wasn't quite ten seconds.
||Stan:||Damn it! [all go to Cartman] That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman. You have to do better than that.
||Cartman:||[whispering] You guys, eh seriously, my back!
||Kyle:||Get back on, fatass! You have to practice!
||Cartman:||[whispering] Seriously. Help. [none of the other boys moves] Screw you guys. Hate you guys.
||Kyle:||What'd you say, Cartman??
||Cartman:||[whispering] I hate you guys!
||Kyle:||I think he said he wants to practice on a real bull.
||Cartman:||[whispering] Hate you guys.
||[The cows are now pushing the memorial across open fields. It now reads 3 p.m.]
||[the boys stand next to a rancher who has offered his bull for Cartman to practice on]
||Rancher:||Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't much for a-ridin' anymore, but he's all I got.
||Kyle:||Well uh, he'll have to do. Cartman has to get some practice with a real bull.
||Rancher:||Well, have fun, boys. [leaves]
||Kyle:||Okay, Cartman. You ready?
||Kyle:||Open the gate! [Kenny opens it. The bull stands there, then walks out slowly and turns left]
||Cartman:||All right, get down. This is my kind of bullride.
||Kyle:||[whispers to Stan] That bull sucks! He's not even bucking or anything!
||Cartman:||Yeah, this is sweet!
||Stan:||What are you going to do?
||Kyle:||Get the bull in the balls with a smowball.
||Stan:||Hoh, yeah. That's a good idea. [the snowball leaves Kyle's hand and hits its target. The bull starts bucking in pain]
||Stan:||Hold on, Cartman!
||Cartman:||Ey! Seriously, dude! Do something! Dude, stop this crazy thing! [the bull throws him off] Mother f- [lands in the snow in front of them]
||Kyle:||Get up, Cartman! You're still not staying on long enough! [no response]
||Stan:||Come on, Cartman. [no response]
||Kenny:||(Oh my God, they've killed Cartman!)
||Kyle:||No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing! [kicks Cartman] Get up! [waits, then kicks him again] Get UP! [Cartman stirs, then stands up. He's pale]
||Stan:||You okay, dude? [nothing. Cartman sees everything undulate and hears Stan's voice echo] Cartman, hello? Hel-lo?
||Kyle:||Dude, I think we broke him.
||[Hell's Pass Hospital, waiting area]
||Dr. Doctor:||Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma.
||Stan:||What's the matter with him.
||Dr. Doctor:||Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li.
||Stan:||But can he still ride a bull?
||Kyle:||We need him to win a bullriding contest so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. Can he still do it?
||Dr. Doctor:||No, boys! You need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep. [turns and walks away]
||Kyle:||[waits until the doctor is gone] Damn it!
||Stan:||[now with Kyle and Kenny in his recovery room] Cartman. Cartman, can you hear me?
||Cartman:||Boinsure li bonsure.
||Cartman:||Boyongture taur lur mahrter.
||Stan:||Oh, he's fine, dude.
||Cartman:||Shunkarah puntaur lah-turi.
||Stan:||Oh, yeah, dude. Let's get his ass to the rodeo.
||[The Running of the Cows is ended and Jimbo is onstage.]
||Jimbo:||All right, damn it! We're not going to stand for this! Now, whoever stole our golden cow memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you! [the crowd stands silent] Aall right, uhow about this? Whoever took the sacred cow, just please return 'im, and there'll be no quesitons asked. [nothing. Jimbo now looks around] Wait a minute. You folks from out of town. You're the only ones with a reason to take our beloved cow memorial! [people start buzzing]
||Mary:||[Officer Barbrady comes up behind the couple] Where are we going to put a 60-foot tall statue of a cow?
||Officer Barbrady:||Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists. [cuffs them both and takes them away]
||Mary:||Oh my God!
||[At the carnival, the boys have returned with Cartman.]
||Stan:||How's he doing?
||Kyle:||He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute.
||Cartman:||Pooinshower. Madalen shine debaur. Huelar she mashartah me shur har.
||Stan:||Do you think he can ride the bull?
||Kyle:||Yeah, I think so.
||Stan:||Cool. [they cross paths with an officer and his wife]
||Cartman:||Hello. Hello, polie. Hello, polie hurrah you soldier boy. Hey, soldier boy!
||Cartman:||Hello? Soldier boy. Me so horny. Me love you long time.
||Soldier:||Go away, kid. You're grossing me out.
||Cartman:||Hello, puhree! Puhree hello! Hello, sucky-sucky! Hello, puhree!
||Soldier:||Beat it, kid! Come on, honey. [they walk away]
||[the Chamber of Farts again.]
||Chamber of Farts Operator:||Come one, come all! The Chamber of Farts has been fixed and is reopen! [a crowd rushes to it, and Cartman is gone]
||Kyle:||Hey, where's Cartman?
||Stan:||[looks at the others present] Oh, hell!
||Kenny:||(I don't know where he went!)
||Stan:||Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have to go sign him up for the bull ride.
||SOUTH PARK POLICE DEPT.
||[Tom and Mary are still in jail, shivering and apparently forgotten]
||Tom:||Huh, it's so cold here.
||Mary:||Where is that sheriff?! We need water!
||Tom:||Oh well, let's try to make the best of it, Mary.
||Mary:||You're right. We're not being positive. At least we get some time alone.
||Tom:||Yeah, and at least we've got our health. [a rat runs by]
||[ranch lands. Two ranchers get out of a truck and walk into a field]
||Grey Hat:||I tell you, Mitchell, I ain't never seen nothin' like it.
||Mitchell:||Where are they again?
||Grey Hat:||Just right up over this ridge. [they reach the top of the ridge and look out over a large field full of cows gathered around the Cow Memorial, mooing. It is almost 9 a.m.] That's what they've been doin' all morning: sittn' there and mooin'. And more cows come all the time.
||Mitchell:||Well, I ain't never seen this before, neither. But I know one thing: when cows start gettin' together, it can't be good. They might start formin' a cult!
||Grey Hat:||[ponders] Hm. Cow cult.
||[back at the carnival, rodeo riders try out their luck. One of them loses his luck when his horse throws him off]
||Announcer:||The grand-daddy of them all, the South Park Cow Days Rodeo! Let's begin the bullriding event. Grand prize: $5000!
||Stan:||Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?!
||Kenny:||(I don't know. I can't find him.)
||Kyle:||He's up in, like, twenty minutes!
||Kenny:||(All right! I know!)
||Cartman:||[off-camera] Hello, fren! Hello!
||Stan:||[points to him] There he is!
||Cartman:||[emerges from the crowd in hot-pink two-piece outfit, orange purse, blush, and Oriental wig] Sucky-sucky, five dollar.
||[back at the police station jail, Tom and Mary just sit and wait…]
||[Jimbo and Ned join the two ranchers on the ridge]
||Grey Hat:||There they are, just like we told you.||Jimbo:||[now standing before the cows] Okay, that's enough o' that! You cows need to dis-perse! [it is now 3 p.m.] All right, bad cows! Do you hear me? Bad cows! [the cows stand still] All right, Ned. You're gonna have to bust out the whip!
||Ned:||[reaches for his whip and cracks it] Mmmm-gahyah! Git along, little doggies! [cracks the whip again, and strikes a cow. The cows lurch forward] Bad cows stay! Stay! [these cows are pissed. They rush in and pound him into the ground] AAAAAH!
||Jimbo:||[hollering] Holy smokes! Play dead, Ned!
||Grey Hat:||[still on the ridge, casually] I reckon we should get some help.
||[the boys now have Cartman on the bull, ready to ride]
||Kyle:||Don't be nervous, Cartman. This is gonna be cake.
||Stan:||Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip dolls will be ours!
||Cartman:||Hucky-sucky five dollar.
||Announcer:||Up first, No. 24, Jack McMack! [the crowd cheers, and he removes his hat in appreciation] Three, two, one. [the gate opens and Jack goes forth]
||Jack:||Yeehaw! Yeeha! Yeehaw! [the bull finally throws him off. The crowd is silent and watches him sail through the air] Aaaaaaaa! [lands on the horns of another bull and dies]
||Announcer:||Oooh, that's gonna cost him a point deduction. [a shot of the boys, then of Cartman] Up next, no. 14, Ming Li!
||Cartman:||Ten dollar? Eight dollar? You give me eight dollar, soldier boy!
||Announcer:||Here we go!
||Stan:||Dude, I'm having second thoughts about this.
||Kyle:||What do you mean?
||Stan:||I'm startin' to think that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks they're a Vietnamese protstitute on a bull.
||Announcer:||Let her go! [the gate opens and Cartman goes forth]
||Cartman:||Eey! Freline furton! Sucky-sucky!
||Kyle:||Hang on, Cartman! [Cartman is still on the bull]
||Announcer:||Wow, and this Vietnamese prostitute can really ride a bull! [Frnak Hammond! His partner looks bored] I guess she's had a lot of practice, if you know what I mean. [the partner simply blinks]
||Cartman:||Aaah! Ten dollar! [still on. The crowd cheers] Ten dollar, soldier boy!
||Announcer:||She's setting a new world record!
||Crowd:||[jumping up and down] Ming Li! Ming Li! Ming Li!
||Cartman:||[the bull finally bucks him off] Gaaah! [he ends up in the snow. The bull comes and kicks him like a football] Heeee!
||Stan:||[up on the fence with Kyle and Kenny] Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.
||Kyle:||Go help him, Kenny!
||Kenny:||[climbs down and is about to enter, but] (Huh-uh, I ain't gonna get inside that ring! Aaah!) [the bull runs through the fence and away, taking Kenny with him. Stan and Kyle watch Kenny disappear]
||Stan:||Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
||Kyle:||You bastard! [a clown picks Cartman up and carries him off]
||Announcer:||And this brave little whore from the East has really put on a show for us today! [his partmer, rather disguated at the announcer, taps his mike until it falls] The winner of the bullriding contest: Ming Li!
||Cartman:||[the clown places him in a barrel] Hey, sucky-sucky? Only ten dollar.
||Stan:||We did it, dude, we did it! [Kyle smiles]
||[the cows are gathered again before the Memorial, about 3 p.m. Behind some large rocks, FBI agents pop up and take aim at the cows]
||Agent:||Freeze, cows! [the cows look up, startled] The game is over! You will now return to your respective towns! [Jimbo stands next to the agent. The cows ignore them]
||Jimbo:||You hear that, cows? You're surrounded! There's no way out!
||Agent:||You will now all march in an orderly fashion into this trailer! [Ned opens the back door. There's just no way…] Move! [The cows just look at them, then one of them walks forward and turns left. She walks away]
||Jimbo:||Hey. Where's she going? That's the wrong way, you stupid cow! [she walks to the edge of a cliff and looks back at them]
||Agent:||[sensing what'll happen] Oh, dear Jesus, no!
||Cow:||[walks off and falls] Mooooo!
||Jinbo:||[in horror] Nnoo! [the other cows reach the cliff and walk off, one by one] They're killing themselves! Stop! Please! [the suicides continue] Can't we do anything?! Oh, God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity! [weeps into his hands]
||Agent:||This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen in- at least eight months.
||[Tom and Mary still wait in jail]
||[The carnival. The boys walk back to Toss-A-Ball]
||Toss-A-Ball Operator:||Oh, you boys are back again, huh?
||Stan:||Yeah. And we have $5000 this time.
||Kyle:||How many ball does that get us?
||Cartman:||[still Ming Li] Odline daur shunba shunba?
||Toss-A-Ball Operator:||Aw I ah- I tell you what, boys. Uh, I'm gonna be really nice and just- trade you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
||Stan:||Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a sudden? [the operator starts tossing down the dolls]
||Kyle:||We did it! You see, Cartman? You won us the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
||Cartman:||Ten dollar? Sucky-sucky?
||Kyle:||What are we gonna do with them?
||Stan:||[a Terrance head falls off as he turns] We should- [looks down with Kyle at the head, horrified]
||Stan:||Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs! [A Phillip leg falls off]
||Kyle:||After all that?! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS! [Barbrady, Garrison, and others show up]
||Officer Barbrady:||What's all this?
||Kyle:||Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate my previous Shenanigans! This whole carnival is a rip-off!
||Mr. Garrison:||You know, uh, excuse me, but I agree. These rides are really stupid! Chamber of Farts isn't scary at all!
||Priest:||Yeah, and the food is terrible!
||Chamber of Farts Operator:||Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo. What do you expect?
||Officer Barbrady:||Ho-kay okay, let's calm down. People of South Park, do you declare Shenanigans on the carnival people?
||Officer Barbrady:||Okay, carnival people, do you accept this decree of Shenanigans?
||Woman:||…What the hell are you talking about?! This whole town is screwy!
||Officer Barbrady:||Well, that settles it! Everybody grab a broom, it's Shenanigans! [the town cheers, and some of the folks have brooms already. They gang up on the carnival people and beat them all for a long time. Stan and Kyle just watch]
||[One in the afternoon. Jimbo, Ned, and some townsfolk are pushing the Cow Memorial back into the carnival area]
||The Mayor:||You found it! You found the memorial!
||The Mayor:||And the cows? Are they all back, too?
||Jimbo:||They're dead, mayor. They're all dead. [sobs]
||Jimbo:||Oho, it was awful! [weeps] Cow after cow taking its own life, and we could do nothing to stop them! Oh, God!
||The Mayor:||Well, perhaps, one day, cows will learn that cults are never a good thing.
||Jimbo:||[still sad] I hope so, Mayor. I hope so. Uhud I need a cold beer and a burger. [hears the crowd and perks up] What's all the ruckus over there? [sees the townsfolk beat on the carnival people]
||The Mayor:||Sounds like somebody declared Shenanigans!
||Jimbo:||Oh, hell, I have to run home and get my broom!
||[The police station]
||Officer Barbrady:||All right, you dammned carnival people. Into jail with- [voice wavering] Oooooh? [Tom and Mary are no more. They've died of starvation and the rats are eating parts of them away.]
||Jimbo:||Hey, aren't those the people we at first thought took the wooden cow?
||Officer Barbrady:||[nervously] Yeah.
||The Mayor:||Didn't we ever release them?
||Jimbo:||Aw, I forgot all about them.
||Officer Barbrady:||Uh me, too.
||The Mayor:||Oh my God! Officer Barbrady, ugh, you never had Tom and Mary in this cell.
||Officer Barbrady:||I didn't?
||The Mayor:||No, no. In fact, they never came to South Park. We've never heard of them.
||Officer Barbrady:||Ooh, phew, I feel a lot better, then, although I could've swore that I had heard of them and they starved to death in my prison.
||[The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are swimming in Terrance and Phillip dolls]
||Stan:||[with Terrance doll] Say, Terrance, let's look for treasuh.
||Kyle:||[with Phillip doll] Oh. Good idea, Phillip. Let's look for treasuh.
||Cartman:||[arrives, back to normal] What are you guys doing?
||Stan:||Oh, hey, Cartman. How are you feeling?
||Cartman:||Oh, pretty good, except I had the weirdest dream last night.
||Kyle:||Really? What about?
||Cartman:||Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese girl, and then you guys made me ride a big, scary bull, and then Leonardo Di Caprio gave me a spankin' for several hours. [notices the dolls] Eeyy, how did you guys win all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?
||Stan:||Oh-ho. Nowhere. [he and Kyle start giggling]
||Cartman:||Wait a minute! You guys did make me ride that bull!
||Kyle:||No! Cartman, that was just a dream!
||Leonardo Di Caprio:||[his limousine pulls up] Bye, Ming Li. Thanks again. [pulls away, and Stan and Kyle laugh even harder]
||Cartman:||Oh! Son of a bitch!
||[End of Cow Days]