Mitgeschrieben und dem Planearium zur Verf├╝gung gestellt von Willie Westwood (South Park Scriptorium)

Episode 1014 - Stanley's Cup


Mr. Jarvis
Tow Truck Driver
Park County Pee Wee Players
Gavin Throttle, Adams County Coach
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Denver Goalie
Mr. (Jack) and Mrs. Brown
Dr. Doctor
NHL Official
the Colorado Avalanche
Red Wings Coach And His Dad

[The South Park Gazette, est. 1997, day. A bicycle rests on the sidewalk outside the office. Inside, Stan talks to the editor.]
Editor:[The nameplate on his desk says Mr. Jarvis] Being a delivery boy for the South Park Gazette is a moble privilege.
Stan:I'm sorry, Mr. Jarvis, it's just that... I have to get up at 4 a.m. to deliver your paper and then I go to school all day.
Mr. Jarvis:Oh waaa waaa waaa! We've all got problems, pussy! Get used to it! [picks up today's paper] You aren't delivering the papers on time!
Stan:[insistent] My bike had a busted pedal, but I got it fixed, so there won't be a problem anymore. [behind him, outside the window, a tow truck pulls up]
Mr. Jarvis:[noticing] Is that your bike out there? [the driver leaves the cab and moves towards the back of the truck.]
Stan:Yeah. Why?
Mr. Jarvis:'Cause it's being towed.
Stan:[turns around] What?? [walks to the door and looks out its window, then leaves the office while the driver locks the bike in place]
[Outside the Gazette office.]
Stan:Hey hey! What are you doing?!
Driver:This your bike?
Driver:It's on the impound list. You owe the county for tickets. [the list shows the tow truck belonging to Jerry's Towing. The driver activates the crane, which slowly lifts one end of the bike up]
Stan:No-dude, I need my bike to do my job!
Driver:Yeah? Well my job is to tow this bike. You want it back? You talk to the county. [gets back into the cab and closes the door]
Stan:[climbs up the door towards the driver] No NOO. Do NOT tow my bike! [the truck moves forward and Stan hops off. He moves towards the bike.] Stop, asshole! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! [catches up to the bike and grabs one of the pedals, but that just jerks him up and down a few times as the wheel on the ground moves the pedals. Stan hits the ground several times, getting bruised until he finally lets go of the pedal and rests on the street. He looks on helplessly as the truck keeps moving and his bike disappears in the distance]
[Park County Government Center, day. A man sits in his office, and a knock is heard at his door.]
Judge:Yes? Come in.
Stan:Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. I was told to come down here and try to-
Judge:Yehss! Come on, Mr. Marsh. I've been told all about your case. Impounded bicycle, $83 owed to the county. Maybe you should get a job.
Stan:I got a job, but without my bike to do my paper route, I can't make the money! See?
Judge:[pulls out a pre-loaded record player and puts the needle onto the record, which begins playing, then says] Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route; only problem is, [removes the needle from the record] his bike's been impounded! [puts the needle back on the record, on another song] But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy. [pulls the needle off again and puts the needle's arm in its resting place]
Stan:[several seconds later] Look, I really need my bike.
Judge:[puts the record player aside] Well, I'm afraid I can't give it to you, because then you wouldn't learn anything..
Stan:What do I have to learn?! This isn't fair!
Judge:Whoa whoa, hold on. I've looked your case over and I think maybe we can cut a little deal here. According to your background check, when you were in kindergarten, you played on the Park County Pee Wee Hockey Team.
Judge:Well it just so happens that the pee wee hockey team this year needs a coach.
Stan:[apprehensive] Me?
Judge:[pulls out the record player again and plays it] Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle. And his only way out is to coach... [pulls the needle off the record] a pee wee hockey team! [puts it on again] And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.
[South Park Recreation Center, looking more suphisticated than before. A hockey rink is in place, with kindergartners inside moving around. Stan is near the center's entrance moving towards the rink. Kids fall and get back up as they struggle to skate. Stan reaches the rink's entrance and looks inside]
Stan:Oh boy. Uh, all right, guys, over here? Come over here. [the kids move towards him, tumbling. Stan decides to go in and meet them] We've got a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in.
# 10:Who are you?
Stan:My name is Stan and I'm your new coach. Now we just need to kind of organize a little bit and practice our-
# 8:Coach, I have to go pohhtty.
Stan:All right, fine, go ahead.
# 8:...By myself?
Stan:S- hold it a while, okay?
# 7:What does "passing" mean?
Stan:When you shoot the puck to another player.
# 15:[chubby boy] My mommy said I'm as big as the sky.
# 3:Coach, Wooden spit on my forehead!
# 6:I did not!
Stan:All right, all right, shut up! We're gonna practice! You two guys play defense, and you play goalie.
# 13:[downcast] I can't play goalie. [he's balk, save for a few hairs hanging down from inside his helmet]
Stan:Why not?!
# 13:My doctor says I'm not supposed to.
Stan:What, you got asthma or something?
# 3:No, he has cancer.
Stan:[off guard] What?
# 8:Nelson has leukemia. It's already spread to his bone marrow.
# 13:I don't wanna have cancer! [covers his eyes and begins to weep]
Stan:Ah, it's okay. Don't cry.
# 13:But why me, coach? Why?
# 7:Coach, why do people get caaancer?
Stan:[feeling overwhelmed] Oh Jesus, can we just practice?
# 10:Are we gonna get cancer if we play with Nelson, Coach?
Stan:NO! [a rival team and its coach walk up to Park County]
Coach:Well well well! If it isn't the Park County Losers! [the rival players laugh. They're from Adams County]
# 7:Oh no! Adams County! [the Park County players back away, leaving Stan out front]
Coach:We just thought we'd come check out the ice for the game tomorrow. [steps forward and offers a handshake] Gavin Throttle, coach of the Adams County team.
Stan:[steps forward to reply] Hey. [Coach Gavin withdraws his hand]
Gavin:Look, why don't you just give up? You can't beat us. You really want to embarass your players?
# 7:Our coach isn't gonna let us lose!
Park County:Yeah!!
Gavin:[steps forward again] Fine, if that's the way you want it. See ya tomorrow, coach! Adams Team!
Adams County:Right! Follow! [they leave the rink]
# 6:Coach, please don't let us lose to Adams County. My daddy will beat me again.
[Stan's house, night. It's been a long day and Stan looks tired. He opens the front door and enters.]
Stan:Jesus Christ. [his parents walk up to him]
Sharon:Stanley, where have you been?! It's almost bedtime!
Randy:Your mother's been worried sick, and I've been watching TV!
Stan:I got a new job. I'm finally gonna be able to pay off all the money I owe.
Randy:Oh, well that's good.
Sharon:What kind of job?
Stan:I'm working with the Pee Wee Hockey League.
Randy:...What? With the-? [turns around] What whoa wait, Stan. You gave up playing hockey a long time ago.
Stan:I'm not playing, I'm coaching.
Randy:Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?
Stan:[tense] What are you talking about?
Randy:Your Pee Wee hockey game! The Pepsi Center?! In between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
Stan:[relaxes] I remember going to Shakey's afterwards.
Randy:Stan, you can't put your family through this again! Whatever your reasons are!
Stan:[heads upstairs] I'm tired. I'm goin' to bed. [Randy moves towards him a bit, but Stan's door closes, and Randy turns to Sharon]
Randy:What are we goin' to do, Sharon??
Randy:Don't you get it? He's getting back into hockey to prove something to himself. So he can forget what happened in that Pee Wee skirmish.
Sharon:Maybe he doesn't remember. He was only 4.
Randy:Oho, he remembers. I'm sure it eats at him every single day.
[Stan's room, night. He's now asleep and begins to dream.]
Announcer:And we're about out of time here in another scoreless Pee Wee hockey game. [a boy skates towards the camera] And that's # 7, Stan Marsh, skeating towards the goal, sort of, but h doesn't have the puck. [players nowhere near him just fall randomly. Two players manage to move towards a puck. The South Park player falls onto the Denver player, who kicks the puck away]
Denver Goalie:[farts, and realizes he did more than that] I crapped 'em! Oh me I crapped 'em! [leaves the goal defenseless]
Announcer:Oh, it appears the goalie has pooped his pants. [the pucks moves towards Stan and stops right in front of him. The spotlight lands on him. The announcer stands] Oh and look at this! Little Stan Marsh actually has a shot at the goal!
Randy:[with longer hair] Stan?? Shoot it! [Stan isn't sure what to do]
Announcer:Time is running out. Stan Marsh with a chance to win!
Kyle:You got it, Stan!
Randy:[quite animated. Sharon holds him down] Take the shot!! Take the shot!! [Stan takes the shot and the puck moves towards the goal, but stops just inches from success. The buzzer sounds and no one wins] NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Announcer:Ohoooo, that's the end of the game! How disappointing. [Stan looks around, scared.]
[The master bedroom. Randy wakes up from his dream in a fit, jumps up and runs around the bedroom. Sharon sits up in fear]
Sharon:Wandy, what's wrong??
Randy:OH! Ohh... Oh Sharon, it was horrible! It was like I was living ti all over again.
[Park County Hockey Rink, day. Inside, Stan is with his team.]
Stan:[blows his whistle] All right, guys. Tonight is our big game against Adams County. We still have all day to practice.
A Man:Coach? Hey coach. [the man and his wife appear] Could we talk to you, please? [Stan leaves the rink to meet them]
Woman:We are the Browns. Nelson's parents?
Mr. Brown:Our little Nelson, he's... taken a turn for the worse, I'm afraid! His cancer is... real ba-a-a-ad. [Mrs. Brown tries to soothe him, but begins to weep softly]
Mr. Brown:Yeah. Oh. Doctors say this could be it. How am I supposed to do it, coach? How do I look a five year old child in the eye and tell him he's not gonna live? [frustration leads to anger] You tell me, coach! You tell me how!!
Mrs. Brown:Stop it, Jack! He doesn't mean to take it out on you, coach.
Mr. Brown:[frustrated again] No, I don't mean to take it out on you, coach. It's just... [fiddling with his had nervously] I don't know what to say to him, coach. Neither of us do. What do you say tuh... somebody who's dying, huh?
Stan:... I don't know.
Mr. Brown:Will you talk to him, coach? He looks up to you.
Stan:No, I think you oughta.
Mr. Brown:Nah, I'm just his father. But you're his coach! You're like a father to him.
Mrs. Brown:Please, coach, he's... [turns aside to cry] he's counting on you!
Mr. Brown:[bows several times] Please, coach, he's counting on you!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day.]
[Nelson's room. A banner over his bed reads "We Love You, Nelson" and a balloon reads "Get Well".]
Stan:[enters the room] Oh uh, hey Nelson.
Nelson:Oh. [coughs] Hi, coach.
Stan:Dude, I can come back later. Is this a bad time for you?
Nelson:Yeah, it's a pretty bad time for me, coach. I'm only five and I'm dying. [Stan walks up to him] Coach, what's it like when you die?
Stan:Wugh, I'm not sure. I would... think that... it's a lot like it was before you were born?
Nelson:How come I have to die now?
Nelson:I mean, how come I don't get to grow up?
Stan:Goddamnit, dude, I don't know.
Nelson:I'm sorry.
Stan:No, what I mean is, nobody really knows, see? But everyonen does it. I mean, it's not like everyone else gets to live and only you have to die. Everyone's gonnan die. You feel better now?
Nelson:I think so.
Stan:Okay, great. Look, I, I gotta get to the stadium, but uh... hang in there? All right? [gives him a thumbs up and walks away]
Nelson:Thanks, coach. [Stan is close to the door...] Will you do me just one favor, Coach? That game tonight? I'm gonna be watching, so... could you... make it so I don't have cancer?
Stan:No- dude, I told you I can't do that.
Nelson:Well then, will you just... win for me?
Stan:Okay. [pause. He steps out of the room and closes the door. Behind the door is the judge, waiting. He has his record player with him. He starts playing it...]
Judge:Stan Marsh has always lived a carefree life. But in the blink of an eye, what seemed important before can all be put in perspective. Stan Marsh is... "Bummin' on Cancer." [takes the needle off, and Stan walks away.]
[Park County Hockey Rink, night. Spectators begin to stream into the recreation center.]
Announcer:Welcome, parents, to this Pee Wee hockey match between Park County and Adams County. [Sharon walks in and sits down]
Adams County:[Gavin leads them in the cheer] Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win!
Stan:[walks up to Gavin] Coach, can I talk to you for a second?
Gavin:Come to surrender, coach?
Stan:[takes him aside] Look, there's a kid in my team who's got cancer, aaand, he wants us to win this game really bad, so, could you just... give us kind of a break?
Gavin:HA! I don't think so, Coach. We're gonna beat you into the ground, cancer or no! [turns and heads back to his team] Win! Win! Win! Win!
Adams County:Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! ...
[The Park County locker room, before the game. Stan and his team hold a meeting.]
Stan:All right, guys, listen. [turns around] I saw Nelson in the hospital, and he asked me one thing: he said he wanted us to win this game... for him. [the players look at each other]
# 6:Sooo, if we lose we're gonna kill Nelson?
# 7:Oh Jesus, no!
# 3:I don't wanna be a murderer!
Stan:Relax! If we lose we're not gonna be murderers.
# 7:If we lose are we gonna get cancer?
# 13:Oh no!
# 15:Ohhh..
# 8:Oh no.
# 6:I don't want cancer.
[The game begins. Adams County players tap their sticks to the drum rhythm going on over the speakers.]
# 7:They look pretty strong, coach. I think Nelson's gonna die for sure. [Stan looks a bit awed at the kid's assessment. The referee skates up to the center of the rink. Blur's "Song No. 2" begins to play.]
Gavin:Good luck, Coach! You're gonna need it! [the ref throws down the puck and the skaters move... and fall over] Yeah! Let's go Adams!
[the spectators look bored. Nothing is happening in the rink except for the Park County goalie picking his nose. The clock shows 5:05 left in the first period]
Stan:Let's go, Park! Come on!
[Still nothing is happening in the rink. An Adams County player waves to his mom, she waves back. The camera moves around excitedly]
Gavin:That's it, Brian! Kill him! [motions to Stan, then returns to watching the game]
Stan:Get near the puck! [Park County players fall. No one is getting near the puck. No. 15, the goalie, continues picking his nose. Fast forward to the end of the third period. An Adams County player is struggling to keep his bladder in check. One second left in the game]
Announcer:And that's the end of the game. The result is a tie.
Stan:Tie? Well, what does that mean?
Judge:[walks up with his record player and plays it] Stan Marsh was supposed to win it all. The big game. A dying boy's hope. Only problem is, [pulls the needle off the record.] he tied! [puts the needle on another track] And now, he's about to find out that tying isn't the same as winning. [pulls the needle up]
# 10:So did we kill Nelson or not?
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan peeks into Nelson's room]
Stan:How are you feeling?
Nelson:I feel pretty good, except for the cancer. [coughs] Coach? Does God hate me?
Dr. Doctor:Oh, hello Coach.
Stan:Uh, hi Doc. How's he doing?
Dr. Doctor:Well, he isn't worse, but, he isn't getting better. It's almost as if... his cancer were tied.
Stan:Oh boy.
Nelson:[coughs] Oh. My cancer hurts.
Dr. Doctor:He seems to have put all his hope into you winning that game. And with a tie, he's in a kind of... cancer limbo.
Stan:But what can I do?
Judge:[rushes into the room with his record player] Stan Marsh! Stan Marsh! Great news! Our hockey team has just been invited to play against Denver County during a Colorado Avalanche game!
Nelson:Wow. [smiles] At the Pepsi Center?
Dr. Doctor:Look! He's coming around again.
Nelson:That's our biggest game ever. Do you think we can win, Coach?
Stan:Well, ah, I mean...
Judge:[sets the record player on the floor and plays it] Imagine. If there was one game, one chance, to make everything right. Stan Marsh is being given that chance. But to win, he's gonna have to pull out all the stops in... "Stanley's Cup"! Rated R. [turns the player off]
Stan:Yeah... yeah, we'll beat 'em.
Nelson:All right! Maybe there IS hope for me.
Dr. Doctor:[takes Stan aside] Just be aware of this, Coach. If you lose the Big Game, that little boy is going to die faster than Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.
[A restaurant booth, day.]
# 6:Coach! What the hell were you thinking?
# 3:We can't beat Denver County.
Stan:Well, sure we can.
# 6:Last time we played Denver they scored seven times.
Stan:Look, guys. I believe in you. Nelson believes in you. Doesn't that count for anything?
# 8:No, 'cause they're gonna kill us.
Stan:They're not gonna kill us.
# 6:That's what Steve Irwin said about those stingrays.
Stan:[thinks a bit] Haven't you guys ever seen these movies? We're just supposed to rally together, believe in ourselves, and we win in the end.
# 3:No. In the movies, they always go out and find a kid who's really good to join the team.
Stan:Hey that's right. We need a ringer. [smiles]
# 13:We nned a Canadian. [Next thing you see is Ike shooting pucks into the goal. Stan and Kyle watch. Stan smiles.]
# 6:Wow, he's good.
Park County:Yeah!
Kyle:Stan, I told you. My mom doesn't want Ike playing hockey. She thinks it's dangerous.
Stan:It's just for one game. He won't get hurt, I promise. [Ike is wearing #2]
Park County:Yeah!
Kyle:All right, but it's gonna take more than one good player to beat the champions, Stan. You'd better have a really good game plan.
[Stan's room, night. He's drawing up plays for his team to carry out. The camera moves enough to include Randy, in his briets at the door, in the shot]
Randy:Can you believe it, Stan? The Pepsi Center. You're going back to the place where it all happened. Same place where you missed that shot all those years ago.
Stan:Dad, I'm working on my game plan right now.
Randy:Ya have to understand why I can't go. I can't... sit there in that same crowd and watch you destroy yourself again. [sits at the foot of the bed] Oh, Stan. Of all the places, why does it have to be the Pepsi Center? All right, all right, I'll go. No, no I WANT to go. [gets up and looks at Stan] I'm gonna be there for you and... I'll be rooting louder than anybody, saying "That's my son!" [turns around and leaves the room, then turns around again] And just remember, Stan: win or lose. Those are your two options, Win, or lose. [turns left and walks away]
[The Pepsi Center at Denver, night. Your Colorado Avalanche vs. The Detroit Red Wings. The match is underway and the Red Wings are on offense. One of the Red Wings fires the puck towards the Denver goal, but the Denver goalie blocks it by catching it with his left glove]
Announcer:His shot is blocked! What a great save! [a man holds up a banner that reads "GO AVS." The buzzer sounds and the score is tied at 2-2 at the end of the second period] And that's the end of the second period. The score is tied 2-all. [the teams go to their locker rooms] And now please put your hands together for three minutes of exhibition play from some of our state's finest Pee Wee hockey players.
Stan:[at an entrance with his team] All right, you guys, this is it. The moment is here. We've been through a lot together, and according to every movie ever made, we're going to win this game. Just don't forget: there's a little boy in the hospital who's really counting on us. So let's not let him down. Are you with me?! [all the players are with him in their own ways.] All right, let's go win!
Official:[rounds the corner and spots them] Sorry boys, you aren't playing tonight.
Official:The other Pee Wee hockey team didn't show up. There's nobody for you to play. Thanks for makin' the trip though.
Park County:We came to play.
Stan:Sso then we win?
Official:No. Nobody wins.
Stan:Hey. Hey, you can't do this. [the Avs come up behind Park County] We've, we've been through all this stupid emotional crap!
Official:Well, you've got nobody to play, there's nothing we can do.
Stan:But it isn't supposed to end like this!
Av 1:Hey, hold on a second. If these kids have been through a lot of emotional changes, then they have to play.
Av 2:Yeah.
Official:Well, who are they gonna play?
Av 1:They can take our place.
Av 3:Yeah. Let 'em play the Red Wings.
Stan:[turns around and face the Avs] Play the Red Wings?
Judge:[pops in with his record player and playes his record] Stan Marsh coaches a Pee Wee hockey team. But now [pulls the needle off the record] they're going to play in the big leagues. [plays his record again] They've got small bodies but big hearts. Stan Marsh is... going professional. [pops out]
Av 1:All right! Give 'em hell, boys!
The Avs:All right! Yeah!
[The Pepsi Center, night, third period.]
Announcer:It's a tie game here in Colorado as we get set to start the final period. Your attention, please: for this third and final period, the Detroit Red Wings will be playing... the Park County Pee Wee Hockey Team.
[Spectators return to their seats, and the period begins. The Red Wings take possession of the puck and begin to knock out Park County players left and right. One Red Wing smashes a Park County player into the plastic]
Stan:Jesus Christ! [another Red Wing takes the puck to the goal, but kicks another Park County player into the plastic off to the side] Stop! Stop this!
Man:Let them play!
Fans:Let them play! Let them play! [even Randy is cheering for this. The Red Wing finally fires off the shot... into the goalie]
# 15:EEEK-ugh [lies there, helpless. The shot is good, and the Red Wings get another point.]
[Another Red Wings skates up to # 7, jumps, and steps on his face with the edge of the skate, then skates away]
Stan:Hey, can they do that??
Ike:[another Red Wing beats him to a bloody pulp] Ow, no. Oh! [a Red Wing fires the puck at # 8 and draws blood out his mouth]
# 8:AAAGH! [the Red Wings fire pucks into the goal at will and rack up lots of points. For some reason, there's a 4th period and the score is 31-2 Detroit. One final shot from Detroit and the final score is 32-2]
A Red Wing:Yeah! We did it! We did it! [Queen's "We Are The Champions" begins to play]
[Red Wing fans celebrate the victory. Red Wings skate around the rink and hug spontaneously, and hi-five each other.]
Randy:NOOO! NOT AGAIN! NOOO! [Sharon restrains him. Red Wings 14 and 30 French-kiss]
# 6:[with a black left eye and a bloody mouth] I hate you, Coach. I hate you. [The Red Wings coach kisses his wife, then shakes an older man's hand]
Red Wings Coach:Thank you, Dad.
Former Coach:I'm proud of you, boy. [they give each other a long, warm hug. An NHL official takes a huge trophy over to the Red Wings coach and his team]
[Nelson's room at Hell's Pass Hospital. Large text blinks "Red Wings Win!" green and yellow on his television.]
Fans:Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings!
Nelson:No hope. No hope. [dies right there, and his vitals flatline]
Fans:Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! [the coarch celebrates his victory by waving the trophy around]
[End of Stanley's Cup.]