Mitgeschrieben und dem Planearium zur Verfügung gestellt von Willie Westwood (South Park Scriptorium)

Episode 1605 - Butterballs


Pete Thelman
Older Girl
Mr. Adler
Mr. Mackey
Stephen and Linda Stotch, and Linda's mom Grammy
Bucky Bailey
Dr. Oz
Jerry Sanders
Nick Jabs

[South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunchtime. Five boys are seated at a table: Cartman and Kyle on one side; Craig, Kenny, and Stan on the other. There's room for a third boy next to Kyle]
Cartman:Nonono, I'm tellin' you guys, music videos have devolved to nothing but pretty girls wearing skin-tight clothes, and singin' songs about their vujayjays. Used to be chicks sang about their relaionships; now it's all "my vujayjay this, my vujayjay that." But clearly that's what sells. Think about it. When was the last time you turned on a music video and didn't see some chick strumming a guitar singing about her vujayjay? [the boy ignore him and continue eating] See? You can't remember.
Butters:[walks in with a black right eye] Heh, h-hey fellas. [takes the remaining spot. Stan, Kenny, and Craig look at each other.]
Kyle:Where's your lunch, Butters?
Butters:OH. [looks aroud nervously] Uh, it's okay. Um I'm not hungry anyways.
Stan:Dude, did a bully take your lunch money again?
Butters:...Yeah. [looks down at the table]
Stan:That's the third day in a row. You gotta tell the teacher.
Butters:Naw, I'm not a tattle-tale.
Stan:Well then write the principal an anonymous letter.
Butters:Naw, I'm not no anonymours Andy.
Craig:So then just get a bigger bully to beat the bully up.
Butters:Naw, I don't want kids calling me a cliché conflict resolution Kevin.
Cartman:He has a point.
Kyle:Well, then you gotta ride it out, Butters.
Craig:Yeah, life sucks sometimes, but it'll pass.
Stan:I can't believe what I'm hearing! [three girls walking by hear this and stop] This is why bullying is getting worse and worse at out schools! We can't all sit by and let it happen anyore!
Red:Good for you, Stan. It's nice somebody in this school has some balls.
Cartman:I have balls.
Red:Yeah, little squishy boba-tea balls.
Cartman:Still balls.
Kyle:Look Butters, why don't you just talk to your family about it? You said your Grandma's visiting this week. Why don't you try talking to her?
Butters:My Grandma?
[The Stotch house, living room, day. Stephen and Linda are talking to an elderly woman. Linda and the woman sit at the sofa while Stephen stands behnd Linda]
Grammy:Well, so then your cousin Albert, Linda, actually has two girls now. One is three and the other's about little Butters' age, I think.
Stephen:Well, speak of the devil.
Linda:Butters, what happened to your eye?
Butters:Grandma, ca-can I talk to you for a second?
Grammy:Well sure, you come and sit right here next to Grammy.
Butters:Could I maybe talk to Grammy alone?
Stephen:Well, sure, I guess. We'll go make some tea.
Grammy:Oh some tea would be lovely. [Stephen and Linda leave. A few seconds later, Grammy raises her left fist and punches Butter on the right eye. Now we know whom the bully is.] What's up? [punches him again] Huh? You think you're [punch] tough, huh?
Butters:I just... [holds his hands up in self-defense] don't want you to pick on me no more, Grandma.
Grammy:Think you're fuckin' tough, huh? [punches him again] You don't look fuckin' tough.
Butters:Um, I don't think I'm tough.
Grammy:No, you're a little faggot! [grabs him by the collar] You got any more money? Huh?
Butters:No, you took it all!
Grammy:[holds her fist up at hiim] Why don't you do aomething about it?! [punches him again] Do somethin', you little bitch! You're Grandma's bitch!
Linda:Here we go. [brings in the tea and sets it on the coffee table. Stephen brings in some lemon bars and does the same]
Grammy:Oh, there's the tea. Tea for me. How lucky.
Linda:And your favorite lemon bars.
Grammy:Goodness, what a treat this is.
[South Pasrk Elementary, day, Mr. Maackey's office. A man pays him a visit]
BB Founder:Mr. Mackey, what is happening here at your school is no different from what is happeningall over the country. Bullying has become an epidemic, I'm afraid, and we at Bully Buckers TRADEMARK are trying to stamp it out. What is your school's policy on bullying?
Mr. Mackey:Oh, well uh w-we think that bullyin' is... is, is bad... uhkay, and uh, and when we see bullying in the school, we tell the students, you know, that... uh that that's bad. Uhkay?
BB Founder:Aha, well one of your students told us he thinks bullying at your school is getting worse.
Mr. Mackey:Uh who said?
BB Founder:He didn't want that disclosed.
Mr. Mackey:Oh, he's a little Anonymous Andy?
BB Founder:We would like to have an anti-bullying assembly with your students this afternoon.
Mr. Mackey:Uhokay, but uh, today's actually bad. Uh I already have an assembly today on positive thinking.
BB Founder:You believe positive thinking is really what's critical in schools right now? What's wrong with you?!
Mr. Mackey:Wull I mean it kind of wo-uhuh works out.
BB Founder:No, shut up! What kind of counselor says no to an anti-bullying campaign?! Bullying needs to be stopped! Now! This afternoon!
Mr. Mackey:Wah-eh jus- will we he-?
BB Founder:Wuhhh duhhh. You may only have an Internet degree, but why don't you start acting like you're a school counselor and not an uninformed backwards little dork! M'kay?! [the Bully Buckers founder leaves the office and walks towards the hall. Moments later Mr. Mackey walks out of the office crying. He walks to the mic and turns it on. His secretary is busy at her computer.]
Mr. Mackey:[barely holding back emotion] Attention students: [the secretary looks over] today we will have an... assembly... on the subject of... bullying. Uhkay? [on the hallway several students stand around listening to the announcement] The assembly is mandatory. Uhkay? You'd better show up. 'Kay?
[The hallway. Red approaches Butters.]
Red:Butter? Your grandma's looking for you.
Butters:[quickly slams his locker door shut] My grandman??
Red:She said to meet her outside behind the school.
Butters:Oh hamburgers! [runs off to the closest restroom, runs in and closes the door]
Grammy:[sitting back aggainst the sinks] Hey twerp! [butters notices her] You went and narc'd on me!
Butters:[startled at first] HA! OH. Ah. Hi Grandma.
Grammy:[walks to the bathroom door with a menacing swagger, locks it, then walks back] I heard somebody brought in an anti-bully counselor! Thought I wouldn't find out, you little narc?!
Butters:Well I didn't narc, Grandma. It wasn't me.
Grammy:[walks towards the urinal] Oh look, what's this over here? [picks up the urinal cake] Ohoh, it's a narc puck. This is what narcs have to put in their mouths. Awww, it's got piss all over it. [picks Butters up by the collar and attempts to put the cake into his mouth]
Butters:Nno Grandma, knock it off! No! Stop it! [he holds her off]
Grammy:Putu it in your mouth! Put it in your fuckin' mouth! [someone begins to pull on the bathroom door. Grammy releases Butters and opens the door. Mr. Adler is standing outside] Ohhh hellow.
Mr. Adler:Oh, sorry. Uh, this door isn't supposed to be locked.
Grammy:I'm sorry, Uh I needed the restroom and my grandson brought me to this one. Isn't that right Butters?
Butters:[looks at the floor] Yes...
Mr. Adler:Butters you goofball. I'll show you to the girls' room, ma'am.
Grammy:Oh thank you so much. [walks out after Mr. Adler, but just as Butters is about to close the door she spins around and confronts him once more] You narc again and you're fuckin' dead! Fuckin' dead, you got it?!
Mr. Adler:This way, ma'am
Grammy:Oops, I'm coming. [closes the door, leaving Butters to his thoughts.]
[The school assembly that afternoon. Every student is in place.]
BB Founder:What makes a bully? [stands next to a image of his company's logo: Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers ™] The truth is there are more bullies at your school than you even think. And the student who lets bullying happen is just as bad as the bully himself. Come on out, Lorraine. [Lorraine comes out. Her hair is disheveled and her pants go up way too high.] I asked your school mate Lorraine here to help me out. [genuflects] Are you bullied in the school, Lorraine?
Bucky Bailey:Kids pick on you, call you names?
Bucky Bailey:What kind of things do they say to you?
Lorraine:...Ugly ...neh-nerd.
Bucky Bailey:Do they say "Nice pants. Why do you wear them up to your tits?"?
Lorraine:[long pause] No...
Bucky Bailey:[stands up] Bullying affects everyone. And only if the entire school is united against it can bullying ever be stopped. [to Lorraine] Go, go, get out of here. [she leaves] Now what we at Bucky Bailey's Bully Busters ™ like to do is get the schools to make an anti-bullying video. So who would like to be the young student director in charge of our video? [long pause. No one volunteers] We just need one studentn to be the leader of out anti-bullying campaign. [still no takers] What? Are you all chicken? [begins to act like a chicken] Nobody wants to be in charge of the anti-bullying video? [acts like a chicken, then like a crying baby rubbing his eyes, then back to acting like a chicken.]
Stan:I'll do it! I'll be in charge.
Bucky Bailey:Ooooo, you're a big man?! You wanna show what a big man you are?!
Stan:No, I just... I think bullying has gotten out of hand. And it needs to be stopped.
Red:Good for you, Stan. [kids begin to clap for him]
Riley:He's cool.

Stop Bullying





Clyde:[Stop Bullying begins after "MUSIC BY STAN MARSH" appears] You wanna know who I hate?! I hate that kid Butters! He's a dork!
Jimmy:Yeh. Let's go bi- pick on him! Yeh! [Stan comes in from screen right]
Stan:Hey guys, gusy! Don't pick on Butters! That's not cool. You can't do that. Bullying? Did you know that in America, hohoh, [takes Clyde and Red and turns them around] over 200,000 students every day are afraid to come to school because of bullying? [guides them back into the school] At South Park Elementary we're better than that. Come on. Let's all put an end to bullying. Right now! Five Six Seven Eight!
The Kids of South Park Elementary: [Stan leads the song. He backs up into the lobby abd then into the cafeteria]
Bullying isn't cool. Bullying is lame.
Bullying is ugly and has a stupid name.
For a healthy world, bullying's unfit.
And I think I know what we should do to i-it.
Do do do do do to i-it.
[Clyde takes over and backs up to the gym doors]
Let's all get together and make bullying kill itself.
Bullying's an ugly thing
[Wendy takes over in the gym and backs up though two rows of kids tossing basketballs at eat other]
Let's shove its face in the dirt and make bullying kill itself.
[Token takes over and backs up to some stairs, where the Goth kids are sitting]
Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Woah-oh.
Cartman:[tarted up, takes over and backs up the stairs]
Boy you like my body. Set the mood, let's play!
You can touch me anywhere except for my vujayjay.
The Kids of South Park Elementary:[Stan takes over at the landing between floors and backs up down the hallway and into the library]
We can make it stop. We can stomp it out.
We can beat it back until it starts to cry.
Let's gang up on it and tell it it smells
And beat it back worse if it ever te-lls.
If if if it ever te-lls.
[Craig takes over in the library, walks forward, and backs up down the hallway through two rows of cheerleaders and some balloons dropping from the ceiling]
Let's all join together to try to make bullying kill itself.
It'll be fun to see just how bad we can make it feel
and make bullying kill itself.
[Timmy takes over and backs up towards a corner]
Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Woah-oh.
Cartman:[takes over at the corner and backs up, pointing at his own crotch]
My heart says ye-es (ye-es ye-es) but my vujayjay says no-o
[Some doors open and a naked Butters is showcased in a steel-framed clear box, being carried out by two sixth graders. The lights go out and special effects appear - neon paint on the kids' faces and a blue glow through the doors. Butters takes over.]
Butters:Trapped inside the darkness of my mind.
I try to break free. The words are so unkind.
Jason:Stupid! (stupid stupid...)
Pete:Ugly! (ugly ugly ugly ugly...)
Kyle:Pansy. (pansy pansy...)
Older Girl:Dork! (dork dork dork dork...)
Butters:Can I, can I not do this, please? [the video stops and the hallway lights come on] I don't wanna do this.
Stan:Aw Butters, you ruined it. This is all one big long shot and you ruined it.
Butters:Mm, but this is just gonna make things worse for me.
Stan:Butters, you're the star of the video!
Kyle:He doesn't wanna do it, dude.
Stan:Well come on, do you just wanna be bullied your whole life, Butters? [Kyle walks off in a huff] Kyle?
[In front of the school. Kyle walks out and away. Stan runs out after him]
Stan:Kyle? Dude, where are you going?!
Kyle:[stops, then turns around] Why are you doing this, Stan?
Stan:To stop bullying.
Kyle:You're gonna stop bullying.
Kyle:With Cartman singing about his vagina.
Stan:...It's about awareness dude. Don't you understand how important this is? Bullying? Did you know that in America, hohoh, over 200,000 students are afraid to come to school every day because of-?
Kyle:Don't, don't act for me, Stan! Really?! Because every minute I'm watching this video become less about awareness and more about you!
Stan:Kyle, I'm trying to make a difference!
Kyle:Okay. Just be cafeful you don't end up naked and jacking it in San Diego. [turns around and hurries away]
Stan:What the hell does that mean?
[Butters' house, evening. The family is having dinner at the table]
Grammy:Oh heavens to Betsy Linda. This is such a yummy yumy ham. I just love your cooking. [takes her fork under the table and jabs Butters with it. He winces in pain.]
Stephen:Our Linda certainly knows her way around a pork. [Butters winces again] What's the matter, Butters?
Butters:Nnothin' Dad. Jjust a little gassy. [Grammy jabs him again, and he winces in pain]
Stephen:Oh. Well don't fart on Grandma. She's tryin' to enjoy her ham.
Butters:Okay Dad, I won-aaaaah! Gaaaah-ow. [the foorbell rings]
Stephen:I'll get it. [rises and walks away]
Grammy:notices something[] Linda, is that a new clock on the wall?
Linda:[looks at the clock] Oh yes. Stephen and I got that last month. It's from Germany, I believe. [while Linda talks, Grammy picks her boogers and smears them on Butters' mashed potatoes] I just love the cute little handle on the dial. And, every hour it chimes. [turns back to Grandma as Stephen brings Butters' friends over.]
Stephen:Your friends wanted to see you, Butters.
Stan:Dude, Butters! We have awesome news! A Hollywood movie company is gonnay buy our bullying video!
Grammy:Oh, an anti-bullying video? How adorable. [jabs him harder with the fork, and he screams in pain]
Stan:Yeah, and Butters is the star! The movie company wants to do a photo shoot with him so we can make movie posters!
Butters:HAAAAA! [pounds the table fiercely to relieve thte pain from Grammy's fork]
Stan:I know, right?! [Stan, Cartman, and Kenny all imitate Butters' pain]
[South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks in to a hero's welcome. Cheers greet him as he walks down the hall towards the boys' restroom. He walks in and noticed Mr. Bailey waiting for him with arms crossed.]
Bucky Bailey:Whassup?! [walks to the bathroom door and locks it]
Stan:Oh, hey.
Bucky Bailey:You went and made a video and sold it without lettin' me know.
Bucky Bailey:Doin' a video was my idea! It's the property of Bucky Bailey's Bully Busters ™, you got that?! [crosses his arms again]
Stan:But I worked hard on that! It's, it's been really stressful and I-
Bucky Bailey:Oh, it's been stwessful?! [gets i his face] What's wrong with you?! Kids are getting bullied at school and with this money, Bucky Bailey's Bully Busters ™ can finally become the legit organization it deserves to be! You greedy, selfish, little PRICK! [Stan lowers his head in shame] Oh what? You gonna kwy?
Bucky Bailey:No, go ahead, kwy. Let me see ya. [rubs his eyes as if he's the one crying] Let me see you kwy. [Stan begins to cry]
[Butter's house, night, Butter's room. He's pacing back and forth]
Butters:[having a conversation with himself] We don't have a choice, Butters. You have to defend yourself! [switch] Oh, but violence is never the answer. [switch] But she's gonna kill you, butters! You know she is! [switch] You're right, Butters! I don't have a choice! [goes into his closet and pulls out a box] Sorry, Grandma, but you brought this on yosrself! [unpacks his Professor Chaos costume and puts it on] It's time you met... Chaos! [he bursts into the hallway] I've been pushed around for the last time! [runs to the guest bedroom, where Grammy is staying] Now I'm coming! And heck's coming with me! [bursts into Grammy's room, but is suddenly surprised at what he sees - Graamy in a supervillain outfit]
Grammy:Oh, look, it's Captain Pussy! [Butters is frozen in place] You can't stop me, Captain Pussy! Don't even try!
Butters:Grandma?? but how di-?
Grammy:I got inspired when I came across your gay little costume in your closet. [changes mood] Now come on, Captain Pussy! Time for you to get your Gummi bears!
Butters:No! Grandma please, nnnot Gummi bears!
Grammy:Come 'ere! [rushes towards him]
Butters:Ahh! Grandma! [backs into a corner next to a small table. Grammy knocks the table over and pins Butters against the wall] Be a fucking man!
Grammy:Stand up for yourself! Fight back!
Butters:I can't.
Grammy:Then it looks like you get... Gummi bears! [reaches into her mouth and pulls out her dentures] Gummy bears! [begins to gnaw at his left arm with her gums]
Butters:Awww! Eewww!
[South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Bailey walks down the hallway to the boys' room. He goes inside and is surprised]
Nick Jabs:[waiting with arms crossed] What's up? I'm Nick Jabs, president of the movie company that bought the bully video. [goes to lock the door]
Bailey:Oh what? Stan Marsh got you to come talk to me?! That little cliché conflict resolution Kevin!
Jabs:[advancing, making Bailey back up] The video was conceived, written, and directed by the South Park student body, you got that?!
Bailey:It was my idea. I told the students to make the video and I-and I produced the entire thing! I deserve to have my name on it!
Jabs:Yeah, only problem is America doesn't give a SHIT about an old fart with a Captain Kangaroo haircut! They wanna believe kids did something on their own. [hands him a sealed envelope] Here's a cease and desist letter from our lawyers. If you ever claim any authorship of the video again, we will sue you for everything you have!
Bailey:But... but this was gonna be the thing that finally made Bully Buckers ™ a national organization.
Jabs:Oh, you gonna kwy?! Oh don't kwy, you'll look bad with your wittle Captain Kangaroo haircut! [Mr. Bailey goes to the bathroom door, unlocks it, and walks out sobbing]
[The hallway, around the same time. Cartman and Kenny are handing out posters and putting them on lockers. Kenny is positioning one of them on a locker as Kyle walks up to them]
Cartman:'Kay kewl, hold it right there. Kewl. [nearby, Craig and Clyde take notice]
Kyle:Excuse me, what are you doing to my locker?!
Cartman:We're putting up movie posters, Kyle! The premiere is tomorrow! But since you walked out on the video, you don't get to come! [blows a raspberry at him]
Kyle:I don't wanna go to your stupid movie premiere! [walks away] And don't tape that to my locker! [walks into the boys' room and sees Stan waiting by the sink with arms crossed] Oh God. [Stan goes to lock the door]
Stan:What's up, Kyle? Why are you trying to trash-talk our theatrical release?
Kyle:Do you really think that this is good for Butters? To have his face put up all over signs as the poster child for bullying?
Stan:Butters is totally fine with it, dude.
Kyle:Yeah? Well Butters is ten! He doesn't exactly know what's best for him and neither do you!
Stan:Alright Kyle, that's enough! I'm not gonna be bullied by you, okay?!
Kyle:What?! You were waiting for me in the bathroom!
Stan:Oh yeah.
Kyle:Look, this is all getting way too big! Tell the movie studio you aren't selling the video to them.
Stan:This video can change how people think about bullying! It needs to be seen by everybody, Kyle!
Kyle:If it needs to be seen by everybody, then why don't you put it outh on the Internet for free?! [long pause] Well?!
Stan:...What, what was the question again?
Kyle:[slowly] If you really think every kid in America should see your anti-bullying movie, then why don't you put it on the Internet for free?!
Stan:...Get, get out of here, Kyle! I'm trying to go to the bathroom!
Kyle:[turns around and walks out] Fine! But when you're naked and jackin' it in San Diego, don't ask me for help! [closes theh door.]
Stan:[left wondering] Why does he keep saying that?
[The Dro. Oz Show]
Dr. Oz:We all know that bullying has become an epidemic. Like AIDS, bullying is escalating and is spread mostly by penises. But now a few school kids are trying to make a difference with a video to make bullying kill itself. [Switch to Camera 2, which shows Stan and Butters seated next to Dr. Oz. Butters is not too happy to be there, so he rest his head on his right hand] I'm joined by the film's director as well as the weak little boy who's the main subject of the film. Stan, congratulations on all your success.
Stan:Well, I just got tired of seeing people like Butters getting pushed around, and I knew I had to do somethin' about it. [the audience applauds]
Dr. Oz:And how about you? What would you like to say to your bully out there?
Butters:Oh uh, nothin'.
Dr. Oz:Come on, this is for everyone who's been a victim. What do you wanna say to bullies all across America, Butters? Go ahead. [Butters raises his head] Right now. Say it.
Butters:Uh stop... Stop trying to make me say things I don't want to on your TV show.
Dr. Oz:Do you hear that, bullies? Stop making kids say things on your TV shows! [the audience applauds] What else do you wanna say, Butters?
Butters:[feeling cornered] Please, leave me alone.
Dr. Oz:Leave him alone! But that doesn't work, does it Butters?
Butters:No it doesn't.
Dr. Oz:Tell usu in graphic detail what the bully does to you?!
Butters:Stop it!
Dr. Oz:Come on, this is for America! [Stan begins to get concerned. Butters looks to Stan for some reassurance] Do you realize that in America, ohohoh, over 200,000 students are afraid to go to school because of bullying?! [Butters' anger begins to rise] Don't you care?! You'd better care! [Butters loses it and attacks Dr. Oz. The audience cheers him on. Dr. Oz collapses to the floor and Butters begins to punch him in the face]
[The movie company's head office, day. Stan has been summoned to the office]
Mr. Jabs:What the hell were you thinking?! Everyone just saw that the bully victim in your movie is actually a violent psychopath!
Stan:I didn't know.
Mr. Jabs:This could kill our box office. People are gonna come after us now, saying we didn't check our facts!
Stan:I didn't beat up Dr. Oz! Don't be mad at me!
Mr. Jabs:It's your fuckin' movie! Now I'm gonna have to work overtime with Marketing to make sure people still sympathize with our victim! Jesus, just get the fuck out of here! I've gotta go to the bathroom! [goes to the bathroom as Stan leaves. Inside the bathroom heh runs into Jesus with his arms crossed] Uh oh.
Jesus:My child, [goes to lock the door] have you ever heard of a place called Hell? It's eternal fire, and it's gona hurt real bad.
Mr. Jabs:Uh... [lowers his head]
Jesus:Oh, what are you gonna do? Kwy now?
[Grammy's room, night. Butters cracks the door open and walks in while she's asleep. She's facing away from him, so he can't see how she responds]
Butters:Grandma? I did it, Grandma. [she opens her eyes] I finally stood up for myself. I got real mean and I beat the shnozz our of Dr. Oz. [she gets mad] I can't lie, it felt kind of good. At first. But since then all I have is just... a kind of dark, empty feeling. Then I realized... that's how you must feel. All the time. Poor old Grandma. You know, I've I've been gettin' lots of advice how to deal with you. Stand up to you, tell on you... But I kind of realize there's just people like you out there. All over the olace. When you're a kid, things seem like they're gonna last forever. But they're not. Life changes. Why you won't always be around. Someday you're gonna die. [thte anger leaves Grammy's face] Someday pretty soon. [he approaches Graamy] And when you're layin' in that hospital bed, with tubes up your nose, and that little pan under your butt to pee in, well I'll come visit ya. I'll come just to show you that, that I'm still alive and I'm still happy. And you'll die. Bein' nothin' but you. [walks back to the door] 'Night Grandma. [exits and closes the door]
[South Park Elementary, next morning. Stan walks through the front doors and the students all boo him and throw wads of paper at him]
Stan:Huh? Aw, come on! [comes across Clyde, Craig, and Cartman and stops] Dude, whtat's going on?
Clyde:You didn't hear?! Now that America knows Butters was actually a violent psychopath, they're saying you made a bullcrap bullying video!
Stan:Wha? What's the movie studio saying about it?
Cartman:The studio backed out! The producer had a change of heart! BOOOOO!
Red:You made us look like uncaring idiots!
Craig:Yeah. Boooo!
Stan:How was I uspposed to know Butters was actually a violent psychopath?
Timmy:[rolls up] Boooo!
Stan:[moves off a bit] Everyone loved me sixteen hours ago.
Mr. Mackey:Stan? Stan, okay, ABC called and Dr. Oz is suing you and our entire school! What are you gonna do?!
Stan:[sighs in resignation] I guess, theres only one thing left for me to do.
[A plane moves through the sky and lands at San Diego International Airport. Stan walks through the airport with two suitcases, then through the San Diego Zoo, then through Coronado Island, then takes a taxi ride through the Gaslamp District.]
Singer (background singers):Baaam badam baaam baaadam. Baaam badam bam
Baaam badam baaam baaadam. Baaam badam bam

I'm gonna jack it where the sun always shines. (He's gonna jack it)
Been spreadin' the word and now I need to ease my mind. (Jackin' it)
(Ohhhh...) Been plantin' them apple seeds and while the apples grow,
I'm gonna go out jackin' it in San Diego! [the singers pop up]

(Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackity jack
Smackin' it, jackin' it, smackity smack) [Stan is at a street corner and begins to undress]

I don't need no shirt, no, I'm gonna take them pants right off (he's about to jack it)
On such a bright day who needs underwear or socks? (Jackin' jack it)
(Ohhhh...) Been around God's country, and there's one thing I know. [Stan begins to dance]
There's no better place for jackin' it than San Diego! [the two background singers arrive and stand between Stan and the camera]

(Jack it, jack it, jackity jack
Smackin' it, smackin' it, smackity smack
Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackity jack [the lead singer comes in]
Jackin' it, smackin' it, smackity smack) Jack it for the Loooord!

Jerry Sanders:[Mayor of San Diego] Come to San Diego. There's so much to see. [real photos of the places he mentions appear] From the sparkling waters of Mission Bay to the warm tortillas of Old Town. And after a day of sight-seeing, why not try spankin' it in one of our charming city streets? San Diego. Come, take a load off. [Behind him, Stan is still dancing at theh street corner]
[The three singers are at Sea World. Stan dances across the screen at Coronado Island wth his back to the camera, then dances at a Mission-style building, then is back at the corner masturbating at passing cars. Someone captures the spectacle from a nearby window. A priest walks by reading a newspaper. He notices Stan and is surprised enough to lose the paper]
Singer (background singers):(Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackity jack
Spankin' it, spankin' it, smackity smack
A whackin' it, whackin' it, whackity whack
Smackin' it, jerkin' it, smackity smack)

The cars are all passin' me by, they're honkin', sayin' hello.

Passenger:[from a passing car] Hey that guy's jackin' it!
Singer (background singers):From his window there's a guy shootin' video. (Video of him)
(jackin' it) And if the good Lord Jesus comes knockin' on my door,
Just tell him that I'm jackin' it in San Diego. [a tourist map shows up with Stan dancing on it]

(Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackity jack
Spankin' it, spankin' it, smackity smack (he's about to jack it)
Whack it jack it whack it jack it whackity jack
Whack it whack it smack whack whackity whack)

[End of Butterballs.]