Mitgeschrieben und dem Planearium zur Verfügung gestellt von Willie Westwood (South Park Scriptorium)

Episode 2007 - Oh, Jeez


PC Principal
Mr. Garrison (President-elect Douche) and Caitlyn Jenner
Gerald, Sheila, and Ike Broflovski
Randy, Sharon, and Shelley Marsh
Stephen and Linda Stotch
Bill and Hillary Clinton (Turd Sandwich) and Hillary's Agents
Lennart Bedrager, Dane 2 and Dane 5
Bill Cosby
Ticket Agent
Bill Keegan
Tom and Eye in the sky
Dick Slapperman and Anonymous821

[South Park Community Center, night. The 2016 Presidential Election Night Viewing Party is over. Hillary's campaign poster is seen on an exterior wall. One man is passed out on the lawn off to the right with a bottle of beer nearby, another man throws up after walking out the doors. Most everyone there is either tired or disappointed. Inside, there are a few more people watching the results]
Bill Keegan:And uh, definitely a bit of a surprise here. Looks like America has voted for a change of pace. The world is in a biti of a shock, uh... Is this? We're, we're for sure this is for real, right?
Randy:What have you done?! You maniacs! [a man seated near the entrance pulls a gun out his back pocket and shoots himself in the head, falling off the chair.]
Bill Keegan:We uh... I guess we're going live to the acceptance speech now? Uuhh okay, here we go.
President-elect Douche:[with Caitlyn beside him] The people have spoken. Just as J.J. Abrams did with Star Wars, I will make this country great again.
Randy:This isn't how it was supposed to happen.
President-elect Douche:All my efforts this past week have paid off. And now, let's begin... fucking them all to death!
[Butters' house, day. Cartman is at his front door knocking. Butters answers it]
Cartman:Hey hey Butters, can I talk to you?
Butters:Whattayou want?!
Cartman:[walks in] Do you remember an e-mail I sent to you a few months ago, after I saw the new Ghostbusters movie? In which I might have said something to the effect of it totally sucking balls because women aren't funny?
Butters:Well I don't know, Eric.
Cartman:I just need to see exactly what I e-mailed you, Butters. And then I need you to e-mail me saing what an awesome prank that was e-mailing you "Ghostbusters sucked balls" when actually I told you it was really funny several times in person.
Butters:NO! I'm not doing anything for you! You're a traitor!
Cartman:A traitor?
Butters:Yeah! Boys and girls were at war, but you go and kiss your little girlfriend's ass! Whatever happened to sticking with your kind?!
Cartman:Sticking with my kind? You guys broke all my stuff!
Butters:Because girls drove us to break all your stuff, dumbass! If anyone should be pissed at chicks, it should be you! But no, you got your bitchy little girlfriend pullin' your strings now!
Cartman:Please do not call her that, Butters. I really like her.
Butters:Noh God, listen to you! [mimics his last sentence] "Mee don't call her that Muhd I diddy die der." You've changed, Eric! You've raally changed! Now get the fuck out of my house! [Cartman is taken aback, but closes his mouth and walks out the door. Butters slams it closed henind him]
[Channel 9 News. A reporter stands near some scaffolding around a newly-walled city]
Tom:A historic election, and all the votes are in. Except of course in the city of Fort Collins, Colorado. It's been several days now since Fort Collins was hacked. Everyone's e-mails and Internet history becane accessible to the public after being targeted by the Danish Trolltrace program. According to our eye in the sky, their votes will not be tallied anytime soon.
Eye in the sky:It's complete bedlam inside the city limits, Chris. [traffic accidents at every intersection, a broken fire hydrant spewing a geyser of water, three giraffes running through the streets...] Since the city was hacked there have been murder, suicide, and complete lack of civility. We also understand that nearly everyone within Fort Collins who was married is now divorced. Back to you, Tom.
Tom:This barricade behind me was put up not only to make sure nobody goes into Fort Collins, but also to make sure nobody gets out, since there's no telling whose Internet histories they've seen.
Dangling Man:[at the top of the barricade] Please! [Tom glances at him and the camera zooms in] My wife is so pissed at me! [a bullet strikes him from the air and he falls to his death several stories down.] Guh!
Tom:[faces the camera] The defiant Danish company is still declaring Trolltrace a success, and claims that it will be available worldwide at any moment.
[South Park, night. A helicopter flies over the kids' neighborhood and a camera on the chopper scans the area. A night sun comes on and focuses on a house. It's Gerald's house - he looks out a living room window and panics]
Gerald:Oh God... [he looks up at the sky and sees the helicopter] Oh God! [he goes outside for a better look. Two government vehicles pull up right away and agents pour out of them]
Lead Agent:We have him. The subject is home. [Gerald looks around, then runs inside and closes the door]
[Inside the Broflovski house. Gerald runs past the stairs as Kyle and Ike come down to see what's going on.]
Kyle:Dad, what the?
Ike:What's goin' on, Dad? [Sheila comes out of the kitchen]
Gerald:[runs up to her] They're coming for me, Sheila! They know everything!
Sheila:About what??
Gerald:Everything I did online! It's over!
Lead Agent:Sir, if you'll come with us?
Agent 2:We need to speak with you?
Sheila:[shields him] You people really have nothing better to do?! What he did online is his business! Or maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one that likes being peed on and I sucked him into it. Did you know that urine is 100% sterile?! How dare you burst into our home! [a shot of Ike and Kyle looking confused]
Sheila:Urologia has been around since the time of the Greeks!
Agent 2:Sir. Please come with us now. [Gerald walks towards them]
Sheila:Gerald, you don't have to listen to them.
Gerald:I'm sorry, Sheila. Please know that I love you so much.G'bye Kyle, Ike. [all three look on helplessly]
[Neighborhood park, night, the bench. Heidi and Cartman are there again. They're wearing Beauty and Beast shirts, respectively. Cartman looks helpless]
Heidi:I can't believe it, babe. I really didn't think things would end up like this.
Cartman:Yeah. Neither did I.
Heidi:I just... feel so disconnected from the world, you know? I really thought this was gonna be the moment that proved girls could do anything, like you always say.
Cartman:You can't stop believing that. Now more than ever you have to stay strong.
Heidi:I'm just glad I have you. At least I know you believe girls are smart.
Cartman:You are smart, Heidi.
Heidi:And funny too, right? You're always saying how people need to get over that girls are funny.
Cartman:[gettiing emotional] You're funny. Oh my God, when Amy Schumer talks about her vagina I seriously lose my shit.
Heidi:Hey, are you okay? This election really got to you too, huh?
Cartman:Yes, Heidi. For the first time I'm really scared for the future.
Heidi:Me too, babe. [scoots in and rests her head on his shoulder] Me too.
[Freemont Bridge, night. One of the government vehicles stops at one end of it and the agents take Gerald out of it.]
Gerald:Where are you taking me? [the agents take him down the riverbank to the riverbed] Wait! Please, there's been a mistake! Someone set me up! I'm not Skankhunt42! [the agents take hiim to a shadowy figure under the bridge] Dildo?
Hillary Clinton:[comes out of the shadows] Hello. Mr. Khunt.
Gerald:Turd Sandwich... I don't understand.
Hillary Clinton:Things... have not turned out the way they were supposed to. This election was stolen. And while this government is still in power, we have to prove it. We've come to ask for your help.
Gerald:My help?
Hillary Clinton:Leave us. [the agents leave and head up the riverbank] As I understand, there's quite a lot you've done online you don't wanna have come out. But I also understand you weren't trying to get a woman to kill herself. You were just being funny.
Hillary Clinton:The Trolltrace program is the most sophisticated of its kind. The government has only a few short weeks to try and use that technology to stop the President-elect from taking office.
Gerald:What do you want me to do?
Hillary Clinton:You've proven one thing: that you have the ability to pretend to be someone you're not. We wanna send someone into Denmark undercover and steal their technology.
Gerald:You mean like... like James Bond? [looking hopeful]
Hillary Clinton:Totally like James Bond. You and I need each other, Skank. What do you say?
[Mr. Garrison's house. Randy knocks on the front door repeatedly]
Randy:Garrison! Garrison, what the fuck have you done?! [Caitlyn answers the door] Where is he?!
Caitlyn:He's resting. He's had a busy week.
Randy:[goes inside] Yeah I'll say he has! [sees him on the sofa and walks up to him] Do you have any idea what you've done to our country?!
Garrison:Yeah. Fuck them all.
Randy:You admitted you didn't know how to run a country! You agree people were supporting you just because they like the new Star Wars, and you begged me to help you lose!
Garrison:I changed my mind. The new Star Wars was actually really good.
Randy:No it wasn't!! Something else has to have happened!!
Caitlyn:Maybe some people enjoy nostalgia and gonig back to what feels comfortable.
Randy:There's nothing great about rehashing all the old Star Wars moments into a new- [Caitlyn vomits out a gusher of member berry juice.] Ah! Aaah! Aaaaaah! [bits of member berries are on Randy's face] Aaah. [member berry voices are heard] I, I suppose... I suppose I can watch it one more time. Give it another chance.
[Turd Sandwich's office]
Agent 2:[hands him a dossier] You're flying to Denmark under the guise of being a foreing ambassador. The Danish think you want to help them. Here's your fake passport and here are your nifty camera glasses. [the lead agent hands those over to Gerald]
Agent 3:Once inside the Trolltrace building, you will plant this. [the fourth agent walks forward with a briefcase] Looks like an ordinary briefcase, but at exactly 9:30 Danish standard time. the case will open, detonating an EMP device that will take out their entire facility.
Agent 2:It'll fry all their equipment, servers, and backup computers. After it detonates we'll be on the roof to pick you up.
Gerald:[smiles] And then everything can go back to normal.
Lead Agent:One last thing: to pass yourself off as the ambassador, you have to pretend to be from the Turkish Islands. Are you any good at... changing your voice?
Gerald:That depends. Are you asking me? Or are you asking... [does his first impersonation] me. Andy, the drunk sheriff. *huic* [next impersonation] Or me, the old Irish dart player? [third impersonation - Peter Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [fourth impersonation - Stewie Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [fifth impersonation - Christ Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [The lead agent and Agent 2 give him thumbs up]
[Ike's room, day. Ike is playing Minecraft when he gets a FaceTime call - it's his father.]
Gerald:Hi Ike, it's Daddy. Everything OK there? [Ike look around] Listen, buddy, you remember how we talked about trolling and just between us guys we agreed it was pretty funny? [Kyle walks by Ike's room, hears Gerald's voice and stops to look inside] Well it turns out that even the-
Kyle:Dad! [runs into Ike's room] Where are you?
Gerald:Oh, hey Kyle.
Kyle:Dad, what's going on? Mom is freaking out.
Gerald:Tell your mom everything's fine, okay? I'm helping out the government. It's top-secret stuff, but everything's finally goona be okay.
Kyle:No, Dad, I need you back home. Please, I-I'm so confused right now.
Gerald:Kyle, you've gotta lighten the fuck up, buddy. Every day with you it's "Dad, I feel guilty about this. Dad, I'm so confused about that." You're a kid. You're supposed to just laugh and make fun of shit. [smiles] Stop being such a pussy, okay pal? Fuck. [hangs up, leavingn Kyle a bit stunned]
Ike:Daddy called you a pussy.
[South Park Elementary gymnasium. PC Principal stands before a big screen wtih speakers on either side]
PC Principal:Alright everyone, listen up. I know that many of us were shocked to the core with last night's election. But we cannot allow our school to be any further divided. It is time to try and start the healing process, and so here, to try and help us heal, is Bill Clinton. [claps. He's the only one to do so. Bill Clinton steps out from behind the screen]
Bill Clinton:Hi kids. I'm Bill Clinton, and I was almost the first gentleman in America. Thank you. Even though we might have lost the election, it doesn't mean that my work to be a gentleman is goin' to stop. I'm gonna ask all you boys to agree to join Bill Clinton's Gentleman Club. [its logo shows up on screen] But I can't do it alone. Sometimes, I wish there were two of me. Oh wait, there are. Oh Bill!
Bill Cosby:Yes, Bill?
Bill Clinton:Come on out here.
Bill Cosby:Hello, boys and girls.
Bill Clinton:I'm Bill
Bill Cosby:And I'm Bill
Bill and Bill:And together we're Bill and Bill
Two birds of a feather comin' to your school
Gonna show you all about what gentlemen do.
When you're not quite sure how you feel
Ask Bill and Bill.
Bill Clinton:Say, Bill?
Bill Cosby:Yes, Bill?
Bill Clinton:Would you like to join my gentlemen's club?
Bill Cosby:You know I would, Bill.
[Heidi's room, day. She's writing some stuff down when Cartman enters her room.]
Cartman:Heidi? Heidi!
Heidi:Hey babe. What's the matter?
Cartman:Sorry, I have to talk to you. It's really important.
Cartman:Heidi, we... have to get to Mars.
Heidi:I know, babe. You've talked about how humankind needs to ge to Mars for a few week snow.
Cartman:No, Heidi, we have to get to Mars like, now. [walks around a bit]. I've seen what's gonna happen when Trolltrace goes online. I think... a lot of people have said and done things online that will make a lot of other people angry and, it's going to be very bad. Humandkind is going to destroy itself and its only hope are the people who go to Mars, where there's no wifi. So nobody can see what anybody said or did on the Internet, ever.
Heidi:Babe, there's no way to get to Mars right now.
Cartman:Yes. [walks up to hold her hand] Heidi, I think there is. But you have to totally trust me, and know that I'm doing this to save... us.
Heidi:I trust you with everything I have.
Cartman:Tha's kewl.
[Copenhagen, day. "Tjing Tjang Tjing" plays. The arrivals area is shown, and Gerald descends on an escalator. The music switches to an action-paced score]
Ticket Agent:Your name, please?
Gerald:Miller. Von Miller. [adjusts his cuff links] I'm the ambassador of technology from the Turkish Islands.
Ticket Agent:Oh yes of course, Amabassador Miller. You're here to support our country's-a Trolltrace program, yes?
Gerald:That's right.
Ticket Agent:Your escort is-a right over there. [points to her left. Dane 5 waits at the exit holding a welcome sign up: "AMBASSADOR VON MILLER"]
[A Trolltrace vehicle. Dane 2 is driving, Dane 5 is in the passenger seat, and Gerald is in the back seat]
Gerald:Nice little country you have here. Reaaly clean.
Dane 5:Yes, ambassador. Denmark is ranked the nicest place to live in all the world almost every year. [the car stops at the Trolltrac entrance and the occupants step out] This is it, ambassador. All of Trolltrace is housed in this building.
Gerald:Mhm. [takes a picture. They go inside and Gerald looks around the lobby] Wow, this is really impressive. [takes a few more pictures.]
Lennart Bedrager:[appears] Thank you for coming. [Gerald turns around] Welcome to Trolltrace. I cannot tell you how much I've been looking forward to your visit, [somewhat ominously] Ambassador Von Miller. We have so much to talk about. Won't you join me upstairs for frikadellers and leverpostejs?
[A table at a restaurant. Stan is in a chair]
Stan:I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. I know that the election didn't go the way you'd hoped. What I want to say is, I'm sorry. [Wendy is shown facing him across the table] I know that girls have gone through a lot lately, and I just want you to know that... I'm here for you.
Bill Clinton:Okay, okay, that's good, but now, make sure she knows how you're gonna changes.
Stan:I am gonna change. I, I am.
Bill Clinton:Whether she takes you back or not.
Stan:Yeah well, but I, but I want her to take me back.
Bill Cosby:[pops into view as he leans back on his chair] Yeah, but if you're just changin' to get her back, then you're bein' selfish again.
Stan:Okay, look. The bottom line is, you still have to have faith... in boys, because... because I miss you, Wendy. [some knocking nearby. Stan and Wendy look in the direction of the knocking]
Butters:Traitor! [Stan, Wendy, and Bill Clinton see him outside with four other boys - Craig, Clyde, Tweek, and another boy] Fuck you, Stan! You're a traitor! [drops his pants to show his wiener and puts his fist high up in the air]
Stan:Go away Butters! [Cosby leans back to see what's going on]
Bill Clinton:Who's that?
Butters:How dare you be ashamed of who you are?! [steps forward and presses his wiener onto the window]
Bill Cosby:Oh, he's pressin' pickle!
[Trolltrace building, boardroom. Gerald and Lennart enjoy a meal, surrounded by servers outside the room]
Lennart:Enjoying the frikadellers?
Gerald:Oh. Yes, they're nice.
Lennart:And the leverpostejs are seasoned to your liking?
Gerald:Ah I wouldn't know. Ha, haha.
Lennart:You keep-a checking your watch, Ambassador Von Miller. Are you late for something?
Gerald:No, No I, I-I'm just anxious to get a look at your servers. They must be quite impressive.
Lennart:Yes. Well a database that can identify everybody's Internet activity is-a very complex. [] I'm so pleased you want to help us rid the world of-a trolls. Do you happen to recognize... [clicks on a remote controller and a black and white picture appears onscreen] this woman? [it's Freja Øllengård]
Gerald:Ahhh... no.
Lennart:Her name was-a Freja Øllengård. She was Denmark's-a national treasure. [pours himself some Gold Top wine] She had an amazing breast-cancer awareness Web site, and some... troll... decided to Photoshop-a wieners in her mouth. [Gerald stifles a laugh by putting a napkin over his mouth]
Gerald:Oh, wow. That's terrible.
Lennart:Her final straw was when she was trolled on a live TV show. [pours some more wine into a second glass] When the troll posted comments about-a breast cancer with-a fake doctors' names. Would you like to know what the doctors' names were? The first one was a Dr. Boobsoff. Dr. Cootsier Boobsoff. [Gerald stifles a second laugh] Then I believe ther ewas a Dr. Juerdior Titsgo. [Gerald stifles a third laugh] But probably most insensitive of all was when the troll said he was Dr. Ipples. Dr. Now I'm Only-n Ipples. [Gerald stifles a fourth laugh, but it's getting harder and harder to do so. Lennart notices and gets in his face] Are you alright, Von Miller!
Gerald:I'm fine. I... I think the frikadellers gave me a little heartburn. Ah, if you wouldnt mind, could I see the servers now?
Lennart:It would be my pleasure.
[The Stotch house, night. The doorbell rings and Stephen answers it.]
Bill Clinton:Hello, I'm Bill Clinton, and I was almost the First Gentleman in America.
Stephen:Oh my gosh! Honey, it's the nearly-Gentleman!
Bill Clinton:May I come into your lovely home?
Stephen:Well of course, that's very gentlemanly of you. [Clinton enters]
Linda:Oh my goodness, it's him. Hello, sir.
Bill Clinton:Hello, ma'am. I wasn't expecting someone so stunning. [takes her right hand and kisses it] I'm so sorry for the intrusion, but I was wondering if I could speak with your son.
Stephen:Oh. Well, I'm afraid Butters is grounded for pressing pickle at the nail salon again.
Linda:Stephen, this is a guest, a gentleman.
Stephen:Uh but, but of course we'll make an exception. [takes Clinton upstairs and to Butters' door] Butters has been grounded quite a lot lately. Don't know what's gotten into him. [unlocks the seven locks and latches used to keep Butters in his room]
Bill Clinton:Well, maybe I can help.
Stephen:That'd be great. No matter how hard we ground him, he remains defiant. [fnially opens the bedroom door. Butters is standing on his bed looking out the window, with his wiener out] Butters, stop smooshing snake! The gentleman is here to speak with you.
Butters:[over his shoulder] What?
Bill Clinton:Hello, young man. Come on, sit down. Let's talk.
[The Marsh house, dinner time. The family is eating dinner, but Stan is missing and Randy is still under the influence of member berry juice]
Randy:Well, I don't know about you guys, but I sure am excited. America is going to be great again. Aren't you excited, gang?
Shelley:No I'm not excited! It sucks, Dad! This country is gonna suck for four years!
Randy:Aww, come on, Shelley. We've learned that women can be anything. Except for President.
Sharon:Randy! You just spent the last month convincing me that the only reason people wanted to go back was because of a childish nostalgia they all had for the new Star Wars!
Randy:Have you really watched it, Sharon? It has more to offer than just nostalgia. Let's all watch it again tonight.
Sharon:What?! I don't wanna watch Star Wars any more than I- [Randy vomits member berry juice on her]
Shelley:Dad, what the hell is wrong with y- [Randy vomits member berry juice on her]
[Trolltrace headquarters, day. Lennart Bedrager opens the server vault]
Lennart:Please, ambassador, explore the servers at your leisure. Let us know if you have any questions.
Gerald:Thank you. [the Danes leave, and Gerald goes into spy mode, entering the vault and locking it. He takes pictures every few steps abd passes by Dick unawares]
Dick:You can stop being an idiot now.
Gerald:[notices him] What the? Dildo?
Gerald:What the fuck are you doing here??
Dick:I was sent here by the government to do international espionage like James Bond.
Gerald:Nononononono, that's what I'm doing. Hillary Clinton says I was the only one capable of-
Dick:Of being smart and funny enough to pull it off. Yeah, that's what she told all of us.
Gerald:All of us? Who? [Dick looks to his left and Gerald follows his gaze. The other trolls in their group are there with their own briefcases]
Anonymous821:Hey Skankhunt.
Gerald:What the hell is going on?
Dick:Don't you get it? The government made some kind of deal with the Danish. They handed us over so they wouldn't go forward with their Trolltrace program. They wanted the troll who killed Freja Øllengård and his associates. We got sold out because of you!
Gerald:No! [runs to the vault door] No, you've got to let me out of here! I'm not one of them! [pounds on the door in vain. The briefcases begin to beep]
Anonymous821:[notices] Hey look, it's 9:30. The briefcases are about to go off. [When the briefcases pop open, they prepare to die, but they get rickrolled instead.]
[Butters' room, night. Bill Clinton is still talking to Butters, who's still mad. They sit side by side on Butters' bed]
Bill Clinton:What do you think you're gonna achieve, young man? Do you really think all this pickle-pressing is gonna get you anywhere?
Butters:Well, I'm just angry, Mr. Gentleman. I'm tired of girls sayingn boys need to change. Somebody has to stand up for our rights!
Bill Clinton:What happened, son? Did a girl break your heart?
Butters:[suddenly tears up] No.
Bill Clinton:I know. I know how hard they can be. But... somethin's about to happen that you aren't aware of. [stands up and walks off a bit] You see, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And trust me, my wife is a crazy bitch. She and all the other women in the world are about to get payback. And we are all completely fucked. It's my fault, really. I've done things my whole life that gradually broke her spirit. And now that she's lost everything, let me assure you: she is piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. [walks back to the bed and sits down] Now, our only chance is to keep our heads low and act like we're changed men. Because, we're very close to the end.
Butters:The end? Of what?
Bill Clinton:Women are sick of our shit, son. And soon, they're gonna know everything we've said and done online. and unless we start kissin' their asses, we're all gonna be put in a big chamber underground and milked for our semen.
[A hill in Hawthorne, California. Cartman and Heidi make their way to its crest]
Heidi:Eric, we're so far from home.
Cartman:We aren't gonna see home again, babe. We're gonna make it. There's no turning back.
Heidi:You really think there's hope?
Cartman:Yes. I do. [before them is SpaceX.]
[End of Oh, Jeez.]