| Principal Victoria: | We-hell, 'sorry' isn't going to cut the cheese this time, mister! I'm afraid I'm going to have to suspend you from school.
| Mr. Mackey: | You mean I'm fired?
| Principal Victoria: | Well, I guess that's a grown-up way to put it, yes.
| | Mr. Mackey: | But- but it was an honest error of judgment, nkay? I- I really thought it was important for the kids to know the smell of marijawana, okay?
| Principal Victoria: | It was an error of judgment, Mr. Mackey, but I'm afraid I have to let you go for it. We searched each one of those kids, but came up empty.
| | Mr. Mackey: | Buh-
| | Principal Victoria: | We had to let them go home, and one of them now has half a lid of Jamaican grass because of you!
| Mr. Mackey: | Huh, how am I going to make ends meet? M-[sniff] mkay? Wha-what will I do for money??
| | Principal Victoria: | There, there, now. Maybe this will all blow over some day and we can give you a job as a janitor cleaning up vomit with that pink sawdust stuff.
| | Mr. Mackey: | [sobbing] No-uho-uho-uho! I'm [sniff] not o-uho-uhokay!
| | [Bus stop. The kids leave the bus and Mrs. Crabtree peels away screaming]
| | Stan: | Man! That sucked, getting searched. [walks off. The others follow]
| | Cartman: | Yeah, my ass is killing me.
| | Kyle: | Why did they search us? That marijawana never even made it to us.
| | Cartman: | I wonder who took it…
| | [Garrison's house. He's looking sleepily at Teletubbies]
| | A Teletubby: | Bye.
| | Voice-over: | And now it's almost time for bye-bye. [The Teletubbies move around whirring all the while. Garrison laughs softly]
| | [The boys are walking home when Chef drives up to them]
| | Chef: | Hello there, children!
| | Boys: | Hey, Chef.
| | Kyle: | How's it going?
| | Chef: | Bad.
| | Kyle: | Why bad?
| | Chef: | Children, I heard about what happened at school today. Now, none of you took that nasty marijuana, did you?
| | Stan: | No, dude! We never even saw it!
| | Chef: | Okay. Because I just want to tell you that DRUGS ARE BAD!
| | Stan: | We know, we know, that's what everybody says!
| | Chef: | Right. Bud do you know WHY they're bad?
| | Kyle: | Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind, the consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
| | Chef: | And do you have any idea what that means?
| | Kyle: | No.
| | Cartman: | I know. Drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you're a hippie. And hippies suck.
| | Chef: | Look, children. This is all I'm goin' to say about drugs: stay away from them. There's a time and place for everything, and it's called, 'College.' Do you understand?
| Boys: | Dude!
| | Chef: | Okay. [starts to move]
| | Kyle: | Hey! Are you going to come to Ike's bris this weekend?
| | Chef: | [stops] Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
| | Stan: | Whatta you mean?!
| | Chef: | Don't you boys know what a bris is? They're going to circumcise him.
| | Cartman: | Wo-what's that?
| | Chef: | Oh boy. Here we go again. [the boys wait] Children. Uuuh. What's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
| | Stan: | Haaa-a bicycle?
| | Cartman: | Ham?
| | Kyle: | No, not ham, you fat fuck!
| | Cartman: | Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?
| | Chef: | Nono no, children, I'm talkin' about the most important part of a man's body.
| Kyle: | Your heart?
| | Stan: | Your eyes!
| | Chef: | Tsk. [slaps his hand to his forehead in disbelief]
| | Kenny: | (Ooh, your penis!)
| | Chef: | That's right.
| | Cartman: | Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed to call it a fireman.
| Chef: | A fireman?
| Cartman: | That's the proper way of sayingn it, or else you get a spanking.
| | Chef: | Goddammit, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all this stuff to you? [starts up the wagon. The radio comes on] Ask your parents for once!
| | Kyle: | Hey, wait! [Chef drives away]
| | Stan: | Dude, something tells me this bris thing isn't good.
| | [Mr. Mackey is walking the streets of South Park, quite depressed. A car pulls up and the driver honks twice. Mr. Mackey looks to see who it is]
| | Female passenger: | Hey, Mackey, you got any more pot? My four-year old needs a fix. Yehahahahaha [they drive off. A small truck pulls up]
| | Driver 1: | [looks like Bill] Hey, Mackey! Now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common: Dope! [peels away] Ha ha ha ha! [Mackey resumes his sorrowful walk. A blue car pulls up]
| | Driver 2: | Heeey, Mackey!
| | Driver 3: | Hey, Mackey! Why did the drug user cross the road?
| | Driver 3's Passenger: | Who do you think you are, you stupid drug-taking hippie?! You damn hippies are all alike!
| | Driver 4: | Won't you leave the guy alone? [traffic is building up. Horns blow]
| | Driver 5: | Hey, Mackey! You gonna do some drugs?
| | Mr. Mackey: | Uuuuuugh! [quickly drops into a bar and takes a seat]
| | Bartender: | Yeh-I don't think I've seen you around here wafore.
| | Mr. Mackey: | Naw uh-I jus', I had to get away, nkeh-ughuh. I just lost my job.
| | Bartender: | Oh that's weak, man. You know what you need? You need a good stiff drink. [just happens to have one handy]
| | Mr. Mackey: | Ohuh uh I don't drink, mkay?
| | Bartender: | Trust me, man! Yit'll make you feel better. [places the mug before him]
| | Mr. Mackey: | Ughuh. [to himself] Drinkin's bad.
| | Devil: | [poof] Go ahead. Drink the beer. It'll calm you down.
| | Angel: | [poof] Yeah. Why the hell not? It's just a beer. Don't be such a pussy, ookay? [Mackey takes the beer and drinks most of it]
| | Bartender: | [poof. The angel and devil are gone] How do you feel?
| | Mr. Mackey: | [BUUURP] Woh, about the same.
| | Bartender: | Whuh, you just need something a little stronger. [serves up some Scotch whiskey]
| | [The boys minus Stan are at the curb working on an ice sculpture of South Park]
| | Stan: | [rushing up] Kyle! You have to stop them!
| | Kyle: | Stop who?
| | Stan: | Dude! I found out what a bris is! I found out what they're gonna do to Ike!
| | Kyle: | What?
| | Stan: | They're gonna chop off his weewee! [Kyle's jaw drops. For a moment he's dumbstruck]
| | Kyle: | Chop off his weewee?! Are you sure?!
| | Stan: | Yeah, dude! It's a Jewish tradition! It's called a circumstision!
| Cartman: | Dude! That is not cool! Choppin' off weewees is not cool!
| Kyle: | That can't be true! My parents wouldn't do that!
| | Stan: | Dude, I asked five different people. They said all Jewish boys have circumstisions. Anduh, and they make it into a party called a bris.
| Cartman: | Dude, yuh-eh-ehyou just don't - chop off somebody's fireman.
| Kyle: | I won't believe it. I won't. I have to ask my mom and dad! [leaves for home. The others follow]
| | [Mr. Mackey is walking towards his house]
| | Mr. Mackey: | [a bit tipsy.]
We are young, nkay?
Heartache to heartache, we stand, 'kay?
[checks the mail, then toddles away]
No promises, no demands, han, han, 'kay?
[tries to put the key in the lock, but fails at it]
Hoowhoa! Is this my house?
| | Landlord: | [smokng a cigar] Your key ain't gonna work, Mackey! I changed the locks!
| | Mr. Mackey: | Why, Mr. Freeley?
| | Mr. Freeley: | I'm not rentin' to you anymore! I heard that you got fired from your job for selling drugs to children!
| | Mr. Mackey: | No no no! 'Kay? Ih, it wasn't like that.
| | Mr. Freeley: | Drugs are an illegal narcotic! And having never taken drugs, I can say that they have nothing to offer!
| | Mr. Mackey: | But I've never taken drugs either.
| Mr. Freeley: | I've never taken drugs, and look at me! I'm totally fine! Now get off my property before I lose control and kill you! [takes out his cigar and throws it away]
| | Mr. Mackey: | Huuhh? [Freeley throws a rock at Mackey, which strikes him on the left side of the head, and Mackey falls] OW, ukay?!
| | Mr. Freeley: | Drug user! Druuug user!
| | Mr. Mackey: | [struggles to get up] Uh, uh. [tries to dodge the rocks Freeley is chucking at him]
| | Mr. Freeley: | Come back here, dammit!
| | Mr. Mackey: | Whoa, wait! [ends up running away]
| | [Kyle's home. Decorations for the bris are going up]
| | Sheila: | Just a little higher. [Gerald lifts the right end of the banner into place]
| | Kyle: | [rushing in with his friends] Mom, Dad!
| | Sheila: | Oh! Hi, bubbeleh. I'm so glad you're here. You can help us decorate for the party!
| | Gerald: | Your mother's made gehakafakah.
| | Cartman: | What the hell is 'gehakafakah?'
| | Kyle: | Mom, Dad? What exactly is this party for?! [they look at each other]
| | Sheila: | To celebrate your little brother's passage into life. [Ike is clapping]
| | Kyle: | Meaning what?
| | Gerald: | Meaning we're going to circumcise him. [Kyle gasps]
| | Cartman: | They are gonna cut off his fireman.
| | Sheila: | It's Jewish tradition, bubbe.
| | Gerald: | Normally, we'd do it right after the baby is born. But we had to do it later for Ike because he's a-
| | Kyle: | Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [rushes into his room. The boys are stunned while Kyle's parents let the moment pass]
| | Gerald: | Oooh, now, what's gotten into him?! Stan, will you go talk to him? [Stan is scared stiff]
| | Both Parents: | [Before Stan's eyes, the parents turn into demons. Sheila gets a spikey hairdo and grows horns where her earrings were while Gerald brings out a pair of shears and grows horns above the ears] Let us cut off your [snip] peewee, Stan!
| | Stan: | Aaaaaaaaaaaa!
| | Cartman: | Aaaah-that's the sickest friggin' thing-run, ruuun!
| | Kenny: | [draws his hood up tight] (Jesus Christ!) [they run into Kyle's room. Apparently, Cartman and Kenny saw the vision, too]
| | Sheila: | Oygh, what is the matter with them?
| | Kyle: | [packing for a trip] I can't believe my parents are cannibals!
| | Stan: | What are you goin' to do, dude?
| | Kyle: | I have to save my little brother! I have to send him away until my parents come to their senses! [jumps out the window] Come on, Ike!
| | Ike: | I'm right behound. [drops into Kyle's arms]
| | Kyle: | Cover me for a while. I'll find a place to hide him and come back.
| | Cartman: | No way, dude! We're not staying alone in your house with your weewee-choppin' parents!
| | Kyle: | Just give me thirty minutes. Come on, Ike!
| | [A dark alley. Mackey is sleeping under some pages from a newspaper, now that he has no job or home]
| | Mr. Mackey: | Hoh! I can't sleep, it's too cold, nkay?
| | Bum: | Hey! Do you want somethin' to warm you up?
| | Mr. Mackey: | [startled] Oh uh, no-I didn't know this dark alley was taken.
| | Bum: | Here. Try this, it'll warm you up.
| | Mr. Mackey: | Uuh, uh-uh-m marijawana's bad.
| | Bum: | What?
| | Mr. Mackey: | Uuh, ma-marijawana makes you feel depressed and low, mkay?
| | Bum: | And you don't feel that way now?
| Mr. Mackey: | Hoh, good point. [Takes the reefer and inhales it deeply, then holds his breath a bit, then relaxes] No, I don't feel any differun-ooo [that's fast] Hoh, baby, get down, mkay?
| | Bum: | [watching the transformation] Uh huh.
| | Mr. Mackey: | [The alley brightens up and takes on neon hues] Man, this alley is cool! It's so alive and beautiful! [bricks are neon blue, the trashcan is bright green, the alley is hot pink. He flutters about]
| | Bum: | Ooh boy.
| | [A train is waiting to depart]
|
|---|
| Kyle: | Come on, Ike. Hurry up!
| | Ike: | I tot I nuruh.
| | Kyle: | Where's the next train going?
| | Clerk: | Lincoln, Nebraska. Train leaves in five minutes.
| | Kyle: | You wanna go to Nebraska, Ike?
| | Ike: | No-oh.
| | Kyle: | I need one ticket for my little brother.
| | Clerk: | That's a little brother? I thought it was a trashcan or smething. What's wrong with his head? [well…]
| | Kyle: | Huh?
| | Clerk: | I'm sorry, but we just can't throw Caucasian babies on an outbound train.
| | Kyle: | But my parents are gonna cut off his ding-dong!
| | Clerk: | What?! Why the hell would they do that?
| | Kyle: | They've just gone crazy for a while. Please, misteruh, I have to hide my brother until they come to their senses.
| | Clerk: | No can do, sonny.
| | Kyle: | Dammit! [walks away with Ike to the train and looks for an open door somewhere to put him in. The parting bells sound] Ike. If you wanna keep your penis, you have to get on this train. [the train starts to pull away] Ready Ike? Kick the baby!
| | Ike: | Don't kick the baby!
| | Kyle: | [punts Ike into the train] Bye, Ike! Be safe! I'll come find you in Nebraska when Mom and Dad are back to normal!
| | Ike: | Buhbye.
| | [Some woods near the town, daytime. Mr. Mackey is dazed and confused. A Seinfeldesque riff plays]
| | Mr. Mackey: | Oh, man, where am I?
| | Teen 1: | Hey, wow, it's that counselor from elementary school, Mr. Mackey.
| | Teen 2: | Wow, dude.
| | Mr. Mackey: | Uh- Hi, boys. How are you today?
| | Teen 1: | Pretty good, man. How are you?
| | Mr. Mackey: | Oh, I've been better. I've been kicked out of town for doing drugs.
| | Teen 1: | Hey, us too!
| | Teen 2: | Yeah, remember? You caught us smoking weed in the bathroom and got us suspended.
| | Mr. Mackey: | Oh. O fortune! Uh-how you mock me!
| | Teen 1: | Oh, cheer up, bro. All you need is some clear liquid to get your head straight.
| | Mr. Mackey: | Uh. uh-boys, ele- LSD is bad. [Looks at the liquid] Hmmm. [opens the bottle and lets a drop go into his mouth. The boys watch. Mackey's voice starts to reverberate] Hey uh, who put all this cotton in my mouth? [psychedelic music begins to play as his head inflates] Yeah! Baby! The world is so small. [his head pops off his body and floats away] I'm free! I'm free!
| | Teen 2: | Sweet, dude. Totally killer.
| | Teen 1: | That guy's totally tripping. [Mackey's head floats on, smiling]
| | [Bus stop. Kyle has met the boys there and is working on a doll]
| | Kyle: | There! What do you think?
| | Cartman: | What the hell is that supposed to be?
| | Kyle: | I'm making a dummy Ike doll. My parents think he's out with me right now, and I have to bring him back for dinner.
| | Stan: | Dude, I think your mom is going to notice that isn't Ike.
| | Kyle: | Not if I say he's sick and put him to bed right away. [Sylvester runs up, having smelled the doll's contents]
| | Sylvester: | Grrrrrrr. [Kyle moves the doll away] Rowrf! Grrr.
| | Kyle: | No! Go away! Bad dog! [Sylvester moves off]
| | Stan: | Dude, what did you make that doll out of?
| | Kyle: | I used a bunch of bones from the butcher shop.
| | Cartman: | Ey, is that why it stinks so bad?
| | Mr. Mackey: | [floating into view] Hii, booyys.
| | Boys: | Hi, Mr. Mackey.
| | Mr. Mackey: | Are you boys stayin' out of trou-ble?
| | Boys: | Yes.
| | Mr. Mackey: | Okay, I- I'm just gonna go over here for a while. [floats away]
| | Kyle: | Anyway, I need you guys to help me so that my parents don't realize Ike is gone. [Sylvester returns, growling as he sniffs the doll] Knock it off, asshole!
| | Cartman: | No way! I'm never going back to your parents' house!
| | Stan: | Come on, dude. If it was your little brother, we'd help you. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny leave]
| Cartman: | Eech. [starts to walk, but then stops] Wait a minute! No you wouldn't!
| |
|
|---|
| [The train comes to a stop. A door opens, and Ike is booted out]
| | Ike: | Oh. [lands on his head, then flips upright] Oooh. [a couple stops by]
| | Woman: | Oh, would you look at that, honey? Somebody dropped off a perfectly good trashcan! [the couple leaves]
| | Ike: | Yeah. No more walbolching! [skips into the corn fields nearby]
| | [Kyle's house. The boys return from the bus stop]
| | Sheila: | Bubbe, where have you been?! Dinner's been ready for five minutes!
| | Kyle: | Sorry, Mom. I just had to deal with Ike. He, he's been cranky. [rustles the doll a bit]
| | Sheila: | How is my little jellybean?
| | Kyle: | [doing Ike] Bye-bye seeme mama. [as himself] Ah, I'm gonna take him up to the bathroom to get washed up. [Sylvester has found the house, and is seen looking from behind a small tree]
| | Sheila: | Okay, but first let Mommy give you a kiss. [the boys flinch]
| | Kyle: | No Mommyuh he, he doesn't want you kissing him! [Sheila withdraws as Sylvester leaps in and rips the doll from Kyle's hands]
| | Sheila: | Aaaaargh! Omigod, make him stop!
| | Gerald: | AAAAAAAAAA!
| | Kyle: | Put him down, you stupid dog!
| | Sheila: | My baby! Oh, God, the horror! [Sylvester is chewing the doll's head to pieces]
| | Gerald: | Get out of here, you mutt! Let him go! [he moves to chase Sylvester away. Sylvester bites into the doll and runs off with it. The boys can only stand with jaws dropped]
| | Sheila: | [frantically] OoooohhhhhhOOH-ho. Oooh, my baby! Bubbeleh mine! [all of them gather at the front porch. Sylvester is munching away on the doll in the middle of the street] Waaaaaaa!! [a truck driver is sleepily driving down the road, but he does see Sylvester] My baby!!
| | Driver: | Huuh? [steps on the brakes, but hits the dog]
| | Gerald: | Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!
| | Sheila: | Aaagh aaaaaaa! [the gas tank behind the cab cracks open like an egg, then explodes, killing the driver and Sylvester. She turns to cry on Gerald's shoulder] Oh, he's dead, he's dead! My little bubbeleh's dead!
| | Gerald: | There there, Shei-hla. There's nothing we can do. [Stan and Cartman look at Kyle, who puts his hands behind his back. Cartman's mad at him]
| | [The funeral. Ike's casket is being lowered into the plot. Present at the funeral are the Marshes and the Broflovskis, Jimbo, Ned, Barbrady, a piper, and the priest, dressed as a rebbe]
| | Priest: | 'Yea, usher us unto the Lord,' saith some Jewish guy once. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust [he throws some ashes into the grave. As the piper starts up, everyone covers their ears. They go their separate ways]
| | Kyle: | Hey, wait a minute. How come Ike's tombstone has the Canadian flag on it?
IKE MOISHA BROFLOVSKI
1996-1998
| BORN A CANADIAN, DIED AN AMERICAN
|
|
| Sheila: | Well, bubbe, there's something you have to know. Ike wasn't really your brother-he was adopted.
| | Kyle: | What???
| | Gerald: | He was not really a Broflovski, he was Canadian. But we loved him all the same [he starts to sob]
| | Kyle: | You mean to tell me that all this time I've been trying to protect Ike from having his fireman cut off, and he's not even my real brother?!
| | Sheila: | What are you talking about?
| | Kyle: | Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska! [the boys turn right and walk away]
| | Sheila: | Whatwhatwhaaat?!
| | Stan: | Dude, you shouldn't have told them that. Now they're gonna find him and cut off his penis!
| | Cartman: | Fireman!
| | Kyle: | Ooh, who the hell cares? He's not even my responsibility.
| | Kenny: | [falling into an open grave] (Hey!) [the spiked tombstone falls in] (Hey, you guys! I'm dying-!) [the tombstone hits its mark. The grave is deep]
| | Stan: | [hears the impact and turns] Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
| | Kyle: | [flatly] You bastards! [keeps walking]
| | Priest: | [The crowds reconvenes, this time for Kenny's funeral] Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercy. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. [The piper plays again]
| | [somewhere in South Park, after the funeral. Jimbo and Ned pass Mackey on the sidewalk. Mackey's eyes are bloodshot. Jimbo and Mackey bump shoulders.]
| | Jimbo: | Get outta the way, you damn hippie!
| | Mr. Mackey: | [annoyed] I don't need to take you right-wing authroritative bullshit!
| | Jimbo: | What?
| | Mr. Mackey: | Aw, you're just like the government, man! Trying to prosecute outta one side of your mouth, okay, while supporting guns outta the other, 'kay?
| | Jimbo: | Aw, why don't you go to a Grateful Dead concert?
| | Mr. Mackey: | I can't, man. Jerry Berry's dead, nkay?
| | Blonde: | He-e-ey, man, I overheard what you said; that was coool!
| | Mr. Mackey: | Wha-oh. Thanks, man.
| | Blonde: | Would you like to come over to my place and fingerpaint?
| | Mr. Mackey: | [getting mellow] Sure, man. Fingerpaintin's cool, 'kay? [they walk off]
| | [Lincoln, Nebraska, train station. The Broflovskis get off the train, Kyle first]
| | Sheila: | Now, where did you leave him, young man?
| | Kyle: | Aw, how the hell should I know?
| | Sheila: | Gerald, do something about your smartass son!
| | Gerald: | Uuuh. Mind your… mother, smartass.
| | Sheila: | If we don't find him, so help me, you're gonna be grounded for a month! [Gerald peeks into a trashcan] Ike, love?
| | Kyle: | [grousing] All the time: "Look out for your little brother, Kyle," "take care of your little brother, Kyle," and he wasn't even really my little brother.
| | Gerald: | Kyle, just because Ike is adopted doesn't make him any less your brother.
| | Kyle: | Yeah, right!
| | Sheila: | [puts down a bench she was looking under as a clerk approaches] Excuse me, we're looking for a two-year old Canadian boy.
| | Clerk: | Two-year old Canadian boy, two-year old Canadian boy- oh, I think they might have one of those down at Hap's bar.
| | Sheila: | [gasps] Come on!!
| |
[The Broflovskis enter and scan the room, Ike is being used as a base at one table. The camera pans back to him] | | Sheila: | [rushes over to him and throws the table top off to get him] Ike!
| | Ike: | Mamatoedoe.
| | Barkeep: | Hey, lady, that's my table post! You can't have that!
| | [Mr. Mackey and the blonde are in bed admiring the fingerpainting they have done all over the room, including the ceiling]
| | Mackey: | Wow, man. You know, it's like… you go through life thinking that you're an individual, nkay? And then you realize that you're more than that, 'kay. We're all just one big individual, 'kay?
| | Blonde: | Let's get married and have a honeymoon in India.
| | Mackey: | [gives it some thought] Nkay. [he removes his tie and his head deflates to a normal state]
| | [Kyle's house. Home sweet cell]
| | Gerald: | Now you march to your room, and you think about what you've done!
| | Sheila: | But first apologize to your brother
| | Kyle: | [pointing at Ike] He's not my brother!
| | Gerald: | Apologize to him!
| | Kyle: | [angrily] I'm sorry, Ike. [turns around and walks off]
| | Ike: | Uh oh, stufid. [Kyle goes into his room and closes the door. Ike is saddened]
| | [Somewhere in India, Mackey and the blonde are hiking. Elephants bathe in the river below them]
| | Blonde: | Wooow, this is sooo beautiful!
| | Mackey: | [a dove alights on his right arm] I am one with the animals! And the trees!
| | Blonde: | And I am one with you! [they reach for each other]
| | Mackey: |
At long last I have found
A true reason to be
Now I feel I can start anew-
[Mr. T flies onto him and pins him. Two other men come and pick him up, then all three rough him up]
Woo, whoa! Ow! Hey! [they carry him away] Uh oh hel-m. Hey!
| | Blonde: | [subdued] Whoa!
| | Mackey: | [as Mr. T tosses him into the A-Team van] Yeah I got-, mkay?
| | [Inside the van. Jimbo is driving, with Ned sitting next to him. Mr. Mackey sits between Mr, T and Mr. Garrison]
| | Mr. Mackey: | Uh- What the hell is going on?!
| | Jimbo: | Tough love, Mr. Mackey. We're taking you to rehab.
| | Mr. Mackey: | I don't want to go to rehab. I haven't even done drugs in weeks!
| | Principal Victoria: | We were wrong for shunning you, Mr. Mackey, and we apologize. We should have realized that you needed help.
| | Mr. Garrison: | Yeah, now we're gonna make sure you get the help you need.
| | Mr. Mackey: | I don't want help!
| | Principal Victoria: | You're gonna thank us later. [they drive off into the distance]
| | [The big day is here. Guests are arriving]
| | Sheila: | Hello, Tom. Hello, Patty. Thanks for coming to Ike's bris.
| | Ike: | Uh oh.
| | Sheila: | Look Ike, It's Uncle Murray
| | Uncle Murray: | Hello, Ike! Say, where's little Kyle?
| | Sheila: | He's been sent to his room for being a bastard. He's decided that Ike isn't his brother, since he's adopted. [Uncle Murray moves off]
| | Guest: | Hi there!
| | Sheila: | Hello. Ddo I know you?
| | Guest: | Uhno, but I never miss a bris. Here, I brought some dip. [gives it to her]
| | Sheila: | Ohhh, thanks.
| | [Kyle's room. The boys are gathered there]
| | Cartman: | Well, I guess the chopping is about to commence.
| | Ike: | [enters the room with a photo album] Oh deh family nrr.
| | Kyle: | What do you want?!
| | Ike: | I wumuh trecompr. Com. Tebruhnerr. [he opens the album, which reveals pictures of Kyle and Ike. Tender music plays. Kyle looks. The first one has Kyle holding Ike, while the second one has Ike riding on Kyle's elephant]
| | Kyle: | Oooh no you don't! That isn't gonna work on me, Canadian!
| | Stan: | Maybe you're being too hard on him, dude.
| | Kyle: | No way! There's no real connection between us. It was all a big lie.
| | Ike: | [pulling the album down a bit] Cooka monster [flips some pages] two three four five. [The third one: Kyle and Ike tossing a football. The fourth one: a family portrait. The fifth one: Kyle, with Ike in his walker. The sixth one: Kyle giving Ike a bath]
| | Kyle: | Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you!
| | Ike: | [now sporting one of Kyle's caps] Baraterndr nfard fy.
| |
| | Social Worker: | You have to admit you have a problem before anyone can help you.
| | Mr. Mackey: | But I don't think I really have a problem.
| | Social Worker: | Nonsense! You did drugs! I suppose you forgot all about your family.
| | Mr. Mackey: | I don't really have a family.
| | Social Worker: | And you lost your job.
| | Mr. Mackey: | No, I lost my job before that.
| | Social Worker: | Mr. Mackey, you're supposed to be an adult. [nearby, the two teens are on a sofa watching the Teletubbies]
The problem with drugs is that people forget to stop doing them. There's a time and a place for everything, Mr. Mackey, and it's called 'College!' Now, I want you to repeat after me: 'Drugs Are Bad.'
| | Mr. Mackey: | Drugs are baad.
| | Social Worker: | Drugs Are Bad.
| | Mr. Mackey: | Uuh. Dru- drugs are baad.
| | [More guests arrive for Ike's bris. Ding-dong]
| | Sheila: | Hello, Dr. Schwartz. Thank you so much for coming all this way to perform Ike's bris.
| | Dr. Schwartz: | Oh, my pleasure, Sheila. I brought the normal cutting device, but then I remembered that Ike was Canadian, so I brought the right one [smaller(!)]. Where is the little rug rat?
| | Sheila: | Right over here. [takes him over to Ike]
| | Dr. Schwartz: | Come 'ere, you!
| | Ike: | Oowwww! [skips away into Kyle's room] Oh deh faminrr. [hops over to Kyle. They look at each other as the doctor calls]
| | Dr. Schwartz: | Ike? Ike?
| | Ike: | [jumps up and hugs Kyle] Heh cohcoh mondefern menurr. [hugs him tighter, and Kyle is moved]
| | Dr. Schwartz: | There you are. Come on Ike, it's time.
| | Kyle: | [recovers and gets angry] You stay away from my little brother!
| | Dr. Schwartz: | Bu-bu-but son I just-
| | Kyle: | You aren't gonna cut off his weewee. Not today, you sick-ass weirdo!
| | Sheila: | [now in the room] Kyle, what are you talking about?!
| | Kyle: | And you! You should be ashaned of yourself! Don't you understand that us males are defined by our firemen?!
| | Cartman: | [a bit solemnly] Yes. The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eyes. [Stan draws a blank]
| | Dr. Schwartz: | Kyle. A-a circumcision is a very common thing for Ike to have. His father had it, his grandfather had it. And [pointing at him] his brother had it.
| | Kyle: | No! [Cartman and Stan gape] No, it isn't true!
| | Dr. Schwartz: | We're not going to cut it off! We're just goin' to snip it, so it looks bigger.
| | Stan: | [after he and Cartman wonder] Oh, hey, that doesn't sound like a bad idea!
| | Cartman: | Heyeah, I want to get a circumstision, too. [Kyle looks back at the adults]
| | [The Betty Ford Clinic. Mr. Mackey and the social worker exit the main building]
| | Social Worker: | Congratulations, Mr Mackey. You are fully recovered.
| | Mr. Mackey: | I can't thank you enough for everything, mkay? I feel like my old self again.
| | Social Worker: | Just one more thing. [she sets his tie in place, and his head inflates to its original state] Remember that you caaan stay sober.
| | Mr. Mackey: | I will, Ms. Social Worker. I will. [they embrace one last time] Mkay?
| | [Kyle's house. Everyone is gathered for the bris]
| | Kyle: | It's okay, Ike. I'm here.
| | Dr. Schwartz: | And-a one and-a two and-a… bris [snip].
| | Ike: | Ouch. Amuhbuhbuhbuh. [The boys faint. The adults clap. He skips over to Kyle] Cooka monsder.
| | Kyle: | [gets up] Ike, you're okay. [Cartman and Stan get up]
| | Stan: | Whoa, dude, I guess having a bris isn't all that bad.
| | Kyle: | Yeah. You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.
| | Stan: | Yeah.
| | Kyle: | And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. [tugs on Ike and moves away] Except for Cartman.
| | Stan: | [follows] Naturally.
| | Cartman: | Eah, screw you guys! I don't- wanna be in your penis-choppin' family anyway!
| | [Monday morning, Mr. Garrison's class]
| | Mr. Garrison: | And so now, children, your school counselor is back, to tell you first-hand about his nasty experience with drugs and alcohol. [makes way for Mr. Mackey]
| | Mr. Mackey: | Okay, kids? Uh- you shouldn't do drugs, nkay-drugs are bad. You see, I was at the bottom of the barrel. I was a wreck; why, I didn't even care about money. I wasuh I was wasting my life.
| | Cartman: | Hey, you guys wanna come to my bris tomorrow?
| | Stan: | You can't have your bris tomorrow, Cartman, that's when I'm having mine.
| | Cartman: | No way, I set up mine first, hippie!
| | Mr. Mackey: | Now boys, you need to listen up, onkay? Wha- what I'm talkin' about might save your life someday, mkay?
| | Stan: | Uhkay, Mr. Mackey, umkay?
| | Mr. Mackey: | Onkay.
| | Kyle: | Mkay?
| | Mr. Mackey: | Onkay.
| | Cartman: | Okay?
| | Mr. Mackey: | Hmkay. [the camera slowly pulls away] Now, as I was sayin, uh- drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. Eh, uh if you do them, you're bad. Because drugs are bad. Mkay? It's a bad thing to do drugs, soduh so don't be bad. By doing drugs, unkay? That'd be bad. Uh drugs are bad. Unkay?
| | [end of Ike's Wee Wee]
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