Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Heidi
Butters
Token
Jimmy
Scott
Leroy
A girl
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Gerald Broflovski
Stephen Stotch
Steve Black
Stuart McCormick
Roger Donovan
Ryan Valmer
Richard Tweek
Liane Cartman
Mr. and Mrs. Turner
President Garrison
Mayor McDaniels
Sgt. Yates
Officers Mitchell and Rick
Ticket-taker
A townsman
Presidential Aide
An officer
Chip
| [South Park, everning. Gerald drives his car down a street with two other men - Stuart and Roger - all dressed as witches. The song playing is Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy." The men bop along with it and eventually smile.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stuart: | What time are the other guys gettin' there? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Roger: | Everyone just said sundown, which should be soon. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Gerald: | I want candy. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Three Men: | I want candy. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The Valmer house, moments later. Gerald pulls up to the house and honks a few times. Ryan peeks out, then comes out in his witch costume and a bag, and enters the car.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Gerald: | Lookin' good, Ryan. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ryan: | Yeah, I got a real cape this year. Check it out. [holds it up for the others to check out, and Gerald pulls away.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The Marsh house, moments later. Randy is dressed, just tying his right boot up.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Hey Sharon, did you see the box of Jack Daniels? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | Oh no, you're not doing this again. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | What do you mean? Of course I am. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | Stan wanted us to take him to the pumpkin patch. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Sharon, you know the week leading up to Halloween is always my Witch Party Week with the guys. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | Yeah, and you guys get wasted. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | We have some drinks. Come on, all the other guys' wives aren't being bitchy about it. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [The street, moments later. Gerald pulls up to Randy's house and honks. Randy comes out with a case of Jack Daniels and heads for the car] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Sup, witches! [get into the car] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Gerald: | Alright, Randy's got the JD! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Yep. Who's got the other stuff. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stuart: | Kevin said he's bringing it. [Randy chuckles, then the other men join in] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [Heidi's room, evening. Cartman is there, waiting on her, and waiting, and waiting...] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | [Impatient, yet quiet] Come on, come on... [normal voice] Sweetheart, can we get going, please? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Heidi: | [from her closet] Hang on, babe. Just a couple more things. [tosses out random pieces of clothing]
| Cartman: | Honey, the pumpkin patch opened like an hour ago and 'member how I was saying I want to get there early?
| Heidi: | [dressed in a black spider suit and orange skirt with bats on it] What do you think?
| Cartman: | [urgently] Great, perfect. Let's go to the pumpkin patch.
| Heidi: | Yup! Almost ready. [gets up on her chair and pullls out two items from her dresser]
| Cartman: | Wha-what?
| Heidi: | Okay, spider or the bat?
| Cartman: | [getting exasperated] The spider's great.
| Heidi: | Really? 'Cause I think I like the bat.
| Cartman: | [quietly, from the other side of her bed] Why does she do this every time?
| Heidi: | What, babe?
| Cartman: | [urgently] I said it's time. Boy, look at the time.
| Heidi: | 'Kay, all set.
| Cartman: | [leaves the bedroom] 'Key, here we go, going to the pumpkin patch.
| Heidi: | [leaves the bedroom] Okay! Oh! I forgot my glitter lip gloss! [heads for the bathroom]
| Cartman: | You don't need glitter lip gloss!
| Heidi: | [stops short of the bathroom, turns around and walks back] Eric, are you upset? Do you need to talk about something?
| Cartman: | No! No, we don't need to talk! Ah, I'm super happy!
| Heidi: | Oh, okay. [heads back to the bathroom, and Cartman is dejected. Heidi looks back for a second] Hang on, I gotta pee. [closes the bathroom door]
| Cartman: | Cool, you got to pee again. Awesome.
| [The woods, night. At a parking lot, sevearal cars are parked next to each other. As Gerald pulls into a parking space, two other men get out of their own car]
| Stephen: | Almost thought you guys were gonna bail on us.
| Randy: | [chuckling] Yeah, right. We're gonna miss the first night of the party.
| Gerald: | Sup, Stephen, Chip.
| Chip: | Just ready to party farty, witches. [holds up two six-packs of Samuel Adams beer]
| Randy: | Well, I got the Jack.
| Thomas: | [steps out of his truck with Steve] And I got the crack.
| Randy: | Oh yeah! Jack and Crack Witch Week! Let's do this!
| Gerald: | Everybody up the hill! [The men proceed up the hill, singing Wang Chung's "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"]
| The Men: | Everybody have fun tonight | Jack and Crack Witch Week tonight Everybod- [The Turner house, evening. Heidi's parents have been chatting with Liane as they wait for the kids to come down the stairs.]
| Mr. Turner: | Thanks for taking the kids out tonight, Ms. Cartman. Heidi'd been looking forward to it.
| Liane: | Ohoh yes, my little Eric just loves the pumpkin patch. It's one of his favorite events of the year.
| Cartman: | Okay, come on, let's go.
| Liane: | Uhall right, you kids all ready?
| Cartman: | [directing his comments at Heidi upstairs] Yup. All set to go to the pumpkin patch! It's been open for over an hour now! [Heidi finally comes down the stairs]
| Mrs. Turner: | Ohoh, don't you look cute, Heidi.
| Cartman: | [goes to the front door and opens it] Awesome. Here we go, heading out now!
| Heidi: | Hold on, Eric. I want a picture.
| Cartman: | No! Pumpkin patch is gonna, eh-
| Heidi: | Will you take a picture, dad?
| Cartman: | See, all the best pumpkins get taken and then eh-
| Mr. Turner: | Cheese.
| Cartman: | Okay, come on! Here we go, going out the door! Go, Mom!
| Heidi: | Bye Daddy! Love you!
| Cartman: | 'Kay, here we go to the pumpkin patch!
| Heidi: | Oh crap. Hang on! I forgot my bracelet!
| Cartman: | Oh my fucking God!
| Liane: | Eric, potty mouth.
| Cartman: | Arrrrrrrrgh!
| [The woods, night. Stephen starts a cmapfire. Randy serves up the Jack Daniels, then takes a drink and sighs. The other men drink their cups too. The men then share a crack pipe, and then they form a circle around the campfire and slowly go around it]
| The Men: | Put a spell on our bosses. Put a spell on our wives. A hex on the Patriots. Let's fuck up their lives!
| Randy: | And screw the Raiders too!
| The Men: | Yeah! [some time passes and they're getting wasted]
| Randy: | No way. Check out Stephen, you guys.
| Stephen: | [walks around as if riding a broom] Heeheeheehee. Happy Witch Week! [falls to the ground face first] Ow. [the other men laugh at him.]
| Chip: | [walks in with a book] Hey, HEY. [the partying stops] You guys wanna see some real witchcraft? [no one replies for a few seconds]
| Randy: | Oooooooooooooo. [the men laugh]
| Chip: | I mean it! I got this spell book last month. Got it in Salem, Massachusetts. They say it's real.
| Randy: | Like real, how?
| Chip: | Like from the Devil himself. You guys wanna try it?
| The Men: | Yeah.
| [Dr. Spooky's Pumpkin Patch, night. People are leaving with pumpkins as Cartman and Heidi arrive. Cartnab jumps out of the car and runs towards the patch.]
| Heidi: | Hey, wait up, babe! [Cartman stops, closes his eyes, and stretches out his hand for Heidi to take when she catches up to him]
| Butters: | [walks by with his pumpkin and his mom] Hey, where you been, Eric?
| Scott: | Oh boy! What a great time that was.
| Ticket-taker: | Thanks for coming, kids. [sees Cartman and Heidi approaching] Oh, you just getting here?
| Cartman: | Yeah, we are just getting here.
| Ticket-taker: | Okay uh, go on in, I suppose. Petting zoo's closed, and I think they stopped the churro machine.
| Cartman: | The petting zoo's cl- The petting zoo's closed?
| Ticket-taker: | Yeah. You can still maybe do the bouncy house.
| Heidi: | Come on, babe!
| [The woods, later. Chip is reading from the spell book]
| Chip: | Arkna. Peduum. Uthnod boral.
| Randy: | That's pretty cool. [strikes up a crack pipe]
| Chip: | Uthnod boral! Uthnod alvernderaal! Wickus! [a green glow emanates from the book] Stayfalls-wuh. Uh.
| Randy: | Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa.
| Chip: | Ach. Oh, it burns!
| Stephen: | Okay, Chip. You might need to ease up on that crack there, buddy. [Chip drops the book and screams, and begins to transform into an actual witch. A broom flies to him and he rides off on it, cackling.]
| [South Park, night. Chip flies over the town and past South Park Elementary, where the parent/teacher conference is being held]
| Chip: | I'll kill you all! Kill you all!
| [Park County Community Center, moments later. Chip flies up cackling and begins lobbing flaming jack-o-lanterns at the adults there. One of them crashes into the parking lot and throws off a few people with its impact. Another one hits a car, stopping it in its tracks and wrecking it. The passengers get knocked out from the impact. Everyone else tries to disperse, screaming]
| Chip: | [cackling] You'll all be dead by Halloween! [cackles some more]
| [Dr. Spooky's Pumpkin Patch. Everyone is running out.]
| Ticket-taker: | Get out! Everyone out!
| Cartman: | What do you mean?! I just got here!
| Ticket-taker: | There's a witch! [Chip flies in and starts bombing the patch.]
| Heidi: | Come on, Eric!
| Cartman: | No! I missed it! I missed it all! [Heidi pulls him away. Chip sees a boy, plucks him off the ground and carries him away]
| [The Marsh house, next day. Randy comes down the stairs quite beat from the might before, goes to the fridge, gets out a gallon of fruit punch, and drinks straight from it, sighing with satisfaction. He turns and notices Sharon with her arms crossed]
| Randy: | Oh. Hey, didn't see you there.
| Sharon: | Did you hear anything about what happened last night?
| Randy: | Uuubbb, nnno, what happened?
| Sharon: | Your buddy, Chip Duncan? [holds up her phone, on which there's a news report about it] Apparently, he flew around on a broom, blew things up, and kidnapped some children?
| Randy: | Are you serious?!
| Sharon: | You heard nothing about this?! He flew away vowing we'd all be dead by Halloween!
| Randy: | [hands her back the phone and walks off] God, I knew that guy was a fuckin' chode!
| Sharon: | Randy, what did you guys do at that party?
| Randy: | [turns around] Nothin'. We were just hangin' out and talkin' and stuff, and then Chip got all weird.
| Sharon: | People were hurt!
| Randy: | Yeah, I agree! It's awful! We're not like Chip, okay?! He's a bad witch!
| [South Park Elememntary cafeteria, lunchtime. The kids are nervous, looking over their shoulders. The core group of boys is at table eating lunch]
| Kyle: | Did any of you guys actually see the witch?
| Jimmy: | Yeah, it was terrifying. She had a broom and a cackle and everything.
| Token: | What are we gonna do, guys?
| Butters: | Our parents are never gonna let us trick or treat with a flying witch around! [next to him, Cartman has an angry glare on his face]
| Kyle: | They say she blew up the pumpkin patch. Did any of you guys see that?
| Stan: | No, I missed the whole thing. I always try to get to the pumpkin patch really early.
| Butters: | Yeah, I got there really early too. You get the best pumpkins that way. Anyways, I guess the witch destroyed the whole thing. [the camera begins to focus on Cartman's glare]
| Stan: | We've got to take matters into our own hands. None of us is safe.
| Butters: | Yeah, but what are we gonna do?
| Kyle: | No, we've got to just hope the police will handle it.
| Stan: | Yeah, right. Like they'll handle anything. [From a nearby table, Heidi peeks past Bebe and smiles at Cartman, waving at him]
| Token: | Stan's right. This might fall on us. [Cartman waves back, his glare fixed on her.]
| Butters: | Yeah, we've got to save Halloween. Don't you think so, Eric?
| Cartman: | [his concentration is broken] What?
| Butters: | We've got to do something to get rid of her!
| Cartman: | Yes. You're right, guys. It's my only way out.
| [The Marsh house, day. Sharon is watching TV on the sofa. Randy, in costume, walks past her with another case of Jack Daniels]
| Randy: | All right, see you, Sharon. Have a good night.
| Sharon: | [displeased] Where do you think you're going?
| Randy: | What do you mean? It's Day 2 of Witch Week with the goys.
| Sharon: | [stands up] You can't possibly be considering doing this again!
| Randy: | Why not?
| Sharon: | Randy, a real witch is flying around in the skies snatching children! I don't think this is the best time for you to be wearing a witch costume and partying!
| Randy: | Wugh! Gau! Just because of one bad witch we're supposed to stop a tradition that goes back twenty-someodd years?! Jesus! [turns around and walks out the front door]
| [Gerald's car. Randy walks to it and enters. The mood is subdued due to the flying witch]
| Gerald: | Hey Randy.
| Randy: | Sup guys?
| Ryan: | You know, just getting a bunch of shit for being witches.
| Randy: | I know, right? It's like, there's one awful witch who wants to kill everybody, so now they're coming after all of us. This is like a witch... thingy.
| Stuart: | It's like a witch pursuit thingy.
| Randy: | A witch uhhh-
| Gerald: | It's a witch chase and shoot 'em up.
| Randy: | Yeah, that's what it is!
| [The woods, second night. The cars pull into the same lot as before, but now a sign is shown: Sentinel Hill park, which is closed. The men get out of their cars and walk up to another sign posted on an orange barricade]
| Ryan: | Hey, what the hell is this?
| Randy: | [reading the sign] "Park closed until further notice." That's bullshit!
| Stuart: | Oh my God.
| Randy: | They can't do this! The whole town really is on a witch pursuit thing!
| [South Park, night. Chip is back in the air bombng houses, and people run to get out of the way. Chip spots Leroy and scoops him up.]
| [Kyle's room, night. he's on his computer reading a Wikipedia article on witches. Stan, Kenny, and Butters stand behind him looking at the screen]
| Kyle: | Check this out, you guys. It says that to destroy a witch you need bent pits, nine in all, each bent into an L shape.
| Stan: | What are bent pits? [Cartman walks in with some plans]
| Cartman: | Hey guys, I think I got it figured out.
| Stan: | You do?
| Butters: | I knew Eric would come up with a plan! [Cartman puts up his plan, which involves the boys luring Heidi to her death, burying the body, and celebrating her death with a pizza. He then brings out his retractable pointer and starts pointing]
| Cartman: | Okay, first of all, we need a scary place to lure her into. What is the creepiest place in town? Ross Dress for Less, that's right. Stan and Kyle will wait inside the Ross Dress for Less, and I will bring Heidi there. Once inside, Kenny and Butters will set off a series of explosions that will-
| Stan: | Wait wait wait wait. What the fuck are you talking about?
| Cartman: | This is how we're going to get rid of Heidi.
| Kyle: | Nobody's talking about getting rid of Heidi!
| Cartman: | You guys said you would help me get rid of her!
| Kyle: | Of the witch!
| Cartman: | Who cares about a witch?! My life is a living hell you guys!
| Kyle: | Then break up with her! You clearly can't stand her! Let the poor girl go!
| Cartman: | I've tried! It's impossible!
| Kyle: | Heidi is a nice girl! How could you be so awful to her?!
| Cartman: | You don't understand! She has no time-management skills whatsoever! You don't know 'cause you've never had a girlfriend, Kyle! [Kyle just stares angrily at him] Fine. Just leave me to suffer. Next time you want me to kill someone for you, just forget about it! [walks out of the room without his plan.]
| [South Park Elementary, day. The Mayor is speaking before the students and their parents in the gym.]
| Mayor McDaniels: | Students and parents, I know that you are all concerned about the witch who is preying upon our town, and I wanna speak to you all about how to try and protect yourselves. But first, some gentlemen have asked to speak on what they perceive to be a [does air quotes] "witch pursuit thing." [walks off the stage as the gentlemen in costume get on stage and arrange themselves around the mic.]
| Richard: | Oh wait, I'm supposed to be-
| Randy: | Yeah, sure, no. [to Stuart] You go over there.
| Stuart: | Right. Right right right. [music starts and they begin singing.]
| The Men: | We're all on the same side, you and I. | Let's all stick togetha, let's try. When things are going bad and there's people you need to confront. Just be sure it doesn't turn into a witch pursuit thing. Stephen: | [as the other men provide ambient harmoney] Hey guys, there's good witches and there's bad witches, and we stand with you in saying this particular witch needs to be brought down. But that doesn't men we should all be closing parks and stopping all witch activity because [catches up with the others on vocals.]
| The Men: | Let's not turn this into a witch pursuit thing.
| Kyle: | [sees Gerald] Dad, get out of here! We're trying to deal with an actual witch! Nobody's coming after you!
| Gerald: | Yes they are, boys! And next they'll be coming after you! 'Caues you're all little sons a witches!
| Ryan: | Right. You don't have to worry about us, going around snatching children. Only the other witch does that. [Cartman's face lights up and he looks sideways at Heidi. He gets a mischievous look in his eyes]
| Cartman: | Hey, babe.
| Heidi: | Oh. Hey Eric.
| Cartman: | Listen uh, there's a big fun costume party tonight and I was thinking you and me should go. What do you say?
| Heidi: | A costume party? With everything that's going on?
| Cartman: | Yeah, I just think, you know, we need to let off some steam and have a little Halloween fun, you know? I already have our costumes picked out.
| Heidi: | Well... I guess.
| Cartman: | Cool. I'll pick you up at 5.
| Heidi: | Well, maybe make it 4:30 if you're bringing the costumes. [Cartman turns left and walks away] I might need a little extra time getting ready.
| Cartman: | [stops, then mischievously] Ohohoh, I'm counting on it. [walks off]
| [The Marsh house, day. One of the good witches rings the doorbell, and Randy lets him in]
| Stephen: | Randy, can I talk to you?
| Randy: | Sure, Stephen.
| Stephen: | I've been doing a lot of thinking, Randy. About the past. About what we've done. I think it's time we come clean and tell everyone about the crack. And the spells against our wives.
| Randy: | [quickly closes the door and walks up to Stephen] Okay, look. You're freaked out, it's understandable.
| Stephen: | I have to admit what I've done wrong, Randy! I feel like everything's crashing down and I want Linda to hear it from me first.
| Randy: | Okay, we smoked a little crack. We put harmless spells on our wives. We were just messing around, it was harmless fun.
| Stephen: | Was it? Or did we close our eyes to what Chip Duncan was becoming?
| Randy: | Stephen, you can't turn on your own kind. That's what these witch pursuit thingies do, okay? They make everyone go crazy.
| Stephen: | I'm sorry, Randy. I have to clear my conscience.
| Randy: | [sighs] All right, Stephen. At least give us till tomorrow morning to talk to our wives and perpare them, all right? Can you just give us till morning?
| Stephen: | Yeah, sure. [walks to the front door] I'm sorry.
| Randy: | It's okay. It's okay. [Stephen leaves. A few second later, Randy is on the phone calling up someone] Hey, it's Randy. We’ve got until tomorrow morning to sacrifice Stephen to the Devil. I'll explain later, just get everyone together. And, maybe bring just a little bit of crack.
| [The woods, night. Cartman and Heidi, dressed nas Hansel and Gretel, wander through it]
| Heidi: | Don't you think we should stay on the main roads, Eric? This seems like a bad place to be right now.
| Cartman: | Don't worry, Heidi. This is the fastest way to the party. [loudly] I'm sure the witch won't even notice us.
| Heidi: | Eric, come on, this is a bad idea. Let's turn around.
| Cartman: | Well, Heidi, if we'd been on time, we wouldn't need to take a short cut. But I wanted to give you your space to get ready.
| Heidi: | [sensing the sarcasm] Is that what this is about? You're still mad about the pumpkin patch, aren't you?
| Cartman: | Why would I be mad? You wanted to make sure you looked right, and then you had to eat and use the bathroom 40 times. I can't blame you for missing the pumpkin patch.
| Heidi: | I didn't use the bathroom 40 times! [Chip is heard above them] What was that? [the leaves in the trees rustle and she looks up] Eric! Did you hear that?! [she turns to see him, but he's gone] Eric?! Eric! Oh my God! Eric, are you okay?!
| Chip: | [finally appears] Well, well. What have we here?
| Cartman: | [barely above a whisper, hiding behind a fallen tree trunk] Sweet. Come on, come on.
| [Kyle's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Butters show up, and Stan knocks on the door. Kyle answers the door]
| Stan: | Dude, is your dad home?
| Kyle: | No, I, I don't know where he is.
| Stan: | We cacn't find our dads either.
| Butters: | Yeah, and it turns out our dads and the bad witch were all part of the same witch group.
| Stan: | We asked our moms, and they said this has been going on for years. We've got to find them before something stupider happens.
| Kyle: | How are we gonna do that?
| Stan: | There's another guy. Someone else who was in the witches' club that hasn't been around for a while.
| Kyle: | Who?
| [The White House, night. President Witch is in the Oval Office, lol.]
| Aide: | [opens the door and looks in] Mr. President, you have an urgent call from a Butters Stotch?
| Garrison: | [lost in thought, he perks up] Butters? What's he want? [picks up the phone at his desk] This is the President.
| Butters: | Oh, uh, eh hello Mr. President. How are you?
| Stan: | Butter him up, Butters.
| Butters: | How uh, how is runnin' the country going?
| Garrison: | Oh, it's fine. You know, just makin' the country great again.
| Butters: | Did you get rid of all the immigrants like you said?
| Garrison: | I got rid of like, six of 'em so far. You know, it's a little harder than I thought.
| Butters: | Cool. Ah-and did you build that big wall you were gonna build?
| Garrison: | Don't be a dick, Butters. Are you just callin' to shit on my Halloween?
| Butters: | N-no, sir! I uh, well, the thing is, uh, didn't you used to do J and C Witch Week with our dads?
| Garrison: | Yeah, it was my favorite time of year. Now I just have to celebrate it alone.
| Butters: | Well, the thing is, Mr. President, onoe of the guys did a spell and took a bunch of children, and he's gonna eat 'em all.
| Garrison: | Lemme guess: Chhip Duncan. Oh, that guy was always such a douche.
| Butters: | Mr. President, please, you've gotta help. Our dads can't do anything 'cause they're scared people are comin' after all wtiches.
| Garrison: | Comin' after all witches? Oh, Jeez...
| [Park County Police Station, night. It's all decked out for Halloween.]
| Sgt. Yates: | So you were there when the witch showed up and took your girlfriend.
| Cartman: | Yes, it just came out of nowhere. I tried to save Heidi, but it was too late.
| Sgt. Yates: | What was your girlfriend wearing?
| Cartman: | She was dressed kind of like me, but had a simple Munich dirndl from Germany.
| Rick: | And you didn't stop at all to think that what you were doing might attract a witch?
| Cartman: | Excuse me?! Are you actually trying to blame the victim here?!
| Rick: | No, I'm just saying that if there's a big fat witch around, maybe you shouldn't walk around in the woods dressed as Hansel and Gretel.
| Cartman: | Ohhhhh!
| Sgt. Yates: | Whoa, whoa, not cool, Rick. Not cool.
| Cartman: | I will have your badge, sir!
| Sgt. Yates: | Sorry folks, sorry.
| An officer: | Detetctive! Detective! Call just came in. The witch has been spotted at Ross Dress For Less.
| Sgt. Yates: | Everyone to Ross Dres For Less, now!
| [Ross Dress For Less, night. Only a couple of cars are in the parking lot, and the store is closed. A witch wanders into view.]
| Stephen: | Guys? I'm here. Guys? What's this all about?
| Randy: | Hello, Stephen.
| Stephen: | Oh, hey. What are we meeting here for?
| Ryan: | It's too late, Stephen. We called the police. We know you took those children.
| Stephen: | What? What uh, What are you doing?
| Steve: | [accompanied by Stuart] Here he is, everybody! Stephen's a bad witch!
| Stephen: | Nooo! [people begin to gather around the witches]
| Randy: | We're putting a stop to you, Stephen, because that's what good witches do!
| Stephen: | Oh my God! I see what this is! This witch pursuit thing has you on a witch pursuit thing now! [several police cars pull into the parking lot and officers pour out of them] I'm innocent. Please!
| Sgt. Yates: | It's over, Stotch. What have you done with the children?
| Stephen: | Noho, don't you see?! They're just doing their own witch pursuit thingy now! This is madness! [Chip is heard cackling from up in the air. Everyone looks up to see him flying over Ross Dress For Less, then hug their kids to keep them safe]
| Chip: | [lands and gets off the broom] Hey, what's up, bros?
| Stephen: | "What's up, bros?" Chip, do you see all the chaos you've caused?
| Chip: | Yeah, so? I'n a witch.
| Randy: | Hey, you understand everyone associates us with you, right?
| Chip: | Of course they do. You're all witches too, dudes!
| Steve: | Not like you!
| Stuart: | What'd you do with the children?
| Chip: | They're all in here! See? [opens his bag]
| Kids: | [voices heard while light emanates from the depth of the bag] Daddy, help! Mommy, help!
| Chip: | I'm going to use their souls to increase my power!
| A townsman: | Look! Another witch is flying down now! [a shot of Air Force One flying towards town]
| [Butters' room, night. He's typing something on his computer when Stan enters his room with Kyle and Kenny behind him]
| Stan: | Butters, come on! We've gotta go!
| Butters: | Okay! Where?
| Stan: | I guess our witches were gonna sacrifice your witch, but then the bad witch showed up and now the witch we called just arrived. There's witches everywhere!
| Butters: | Holy Moly! [leaves his chair and follows the others out]
| [The Ross Dress For Less parking lot. Randy tries to reason with Chip]
| Randy: | Look, Chip, if we had known you were gonna hurt people, we would have never even hung out.
| Chip: | Oh, give me a break, Randy.
| Randy: | No, seriously.
| Chip: | Like if one of you guys had the power I have, you wouldn't use it.
| Randy: | No we wouldn't!
| Garrison: | Excuse me. [makes his way to the front of the group]
| Chip: | Oh, hey man!
| Garrison: | You're ruining the party for eveyrone, Chip! I'm here to take you out!
| Chip: | [cackles] You'll never stop me! [levitates] I grow more powerful every moment!
| Garrison: | You wanna see real power? [into a pocket mic disguised as a lapel pin] All right, take the shot. [a solar-powered satellite takes aim at the President's location with three beeps, and two lasers shoot down towards it. The shot obliterates Chip, but his bag and broom fall away unscathed. A few mooments of stunned silence, and the witches celebrate as Garrison fist-pumps. Two officers quickly come up and open the bag.]
| Leroy: | [pops out of the bag] I'm free! [two girls pop out]
| A girl: | Mommy! Daddy! [the boy Chip plucked first pops out of the bag]
| Sgt. Yates: | Is that all of them?
| Mitchell: | There's one more little girl. Come on out, little girl.
| Heidi: | Okay. Just a second.
| Mitchell: | Com- come on, little girl. Everyone's waitin' on ya.
| Heidi: | Okay. Almost ready. Hang on.
| Cartman: | [sighs] It's gonna be a while.
| Gerald: | Well, we did it, guys.
| Ryan: | Everyonen will be stoked on us now.
| Randy: | Hey! And there's still a few nights left of Jack and Crack Witch Week.
| Garrison: | Everybody follow me! I've got tons of Jack, tons of crack, and a jet! [the other witches cheer and follow him to the jet]
| The Men: | Party's back on! We did it, guys!
| Randy: | [looks back at Sharon] Don't wait up, Sharon! I'm gonna party with El Presidente. [the women and remaining men are pissed]
| [The Turner house, day, Heidi's room. Cartman waits for Heidi on her bed as she plans out her costume in the closet. They're dressed in traditional Halloween costumes - he as Count Dracula, she as a black kitten.]
| Heidi: | All ready to trick or treat?
| Cartman: | [bored] Yeah, no. I've been ready for a couple hours now.
| Heidi: | Cool. I just wanna put on some lip gloss. Do these stockings go with this outfit? I thought maybe I should use the red ones. [Cartman removes his fake teeth and throws them on the floor] Is it cold out? You think I should put a hoodie on over this? Nah, covers up my costume too much, don't you think? [Cartman throws his plastic jack-o-lantern pail to the floor] Okay, all ready. [Cartman perks up a bit] Oh wait, hang on. [she goes back into her closet, Cartman's perk is gone] I can't decide if I should wear leggings or not. Is it gonna be cold? Should I just-?
| [End of Sons A Witches.]
| |