Episode 2203 - The Problem with a Poo

Cast:

Cartman
Stan
Kyle
Kenny
Craig
Gerald Broflovski
Mrs. Testaburger
PC Principal and Strong Woman
Randy Marsh
Ryan Valmer
Mr. Hankey
Dr. Bender
Elderly Woman
Female lawyer
Girl and Mother
Man 1 and Woman 1
Man 2
Man 3
Man 4
Man 5
Woman 2
Jogger
Male Lawyer
Male Nurse
Female Nurse
Mayor McDaniels, her aide, and a councilwoman
Mr. Prewitt
Mr. Waithouse
Newscaster
Voice-overs

Apu
Bart


[South Park, day. The scene starts with South Park Elementary being shot up again, then the Community Center appears as two police cars rush by, then City Hall appears. The city council is in session, Mayor McDaniels presiding]
Mayor McDaniels:People, it's time we faced some hard truths. The town is looking to us for answers, and all we keep doing is burying our heads. We need to cut the budget for this year's Christmas pageant.
Randy:[after a dramatic pause] My God...
Mayor McDaniels:I've asked the diretor of the holiday show to stop by so we can all give him the news.
Ryan:He's not goign to take this well.
Councilwoman:If he doesn't, we should just let him go. God knows it's about time.
Mayor's aide:Hey, a lot of people like him, all right?
Mrs. Testaburger:Yeah, and a lot of people think he stinks.
Mayor McDaniels:Let's just get this over with. [presses down on the intercom key] All right, send him in. [the door opens and Mr. Hankey hops in.]
Mr. Hankey:Hooooowwwdy ho! You wanted to see me? Better hurry. We only have two months before Christmas.
Mayor McDaniels:Mr. Hankey, we called you in to let you know that... your Christmas Pageant funding has been cut. By half.
Mr. Hankey:What? But I can barely make a good Christmas show with what I have!
Mayor McDaniels:We just don't have the support for the Christmas show that we used to. The truth is... some people find you offensive.
Mr. Hankey:Offensive? What about me is offensive?
Councilwoman:Some people think shit isn't the best representation of Christmas.
Mr. Hankey:Yuh... you people can't do this. Christmas is the most magical time of the year.
Mayor McDaniels:The decisiion has already been made. Thank you, Mr. Hankey, and good luck with the show.
[South Park Elementary, day. Another school shooting has occured and the police are back to investigate. In the music room, the kids practice "Deck The Halls". The conductor taps the dais with his baton - it's Mr. Hankey.]
Mr. Hankey:Okay, stop. Kids, the song's called "Deck The Halls," not "Let's All Suck Balls." Mow, come on, kids.
Craig:Why do we have to do this now?
Cartman:Yeah, it's not even Halloween yet.
Mr. Hankey:Restoration Hardware put up their Christmas decorations two weeks ago, all right? Now listen: I didn't want this either. I wanted the Denver Symphony, but they cut my budget and I'm stuck with you. Now let's take it from the top! [taps his baton[
[The hallways. PC Principal walks down the main hallway with purpose. He stops at the Vice Principal's office and turns left, stteps forward, stops, sighs, then turns the doorknob and peeks in]
PC Principal:Vice Principal Strong Woman?
Strong Woman:Yes, PC Principal?
PC Principal:I was seeing if there's anything you... mgith want to discuss with me?
Strong Woman:What would we need to discuss?!
PC Principal:I am- so sorry- that I took advantage of my position and- manipilated you into a physical encounter.
Strong Woman:Hey! I am a strong woman, all right?! I don't get manipulated! We both are guilty of an ill-advaised relationship at the workplace, but that was long ago, and I have decided to move forward.
PC Principal:Are you sure we can more forward?
Strong Woman:Why not? We make a mistake, we move forward.
PC Principal:I was just thinking there might still possibly be some fallout from-
Strong Woman:Nope! We're just gonna forget about it and put it to rest.
PC Principal:You don't think there's anything else to dis- to discuss?
Strong Woman:No, I don't! Bye-bye. [PC Principal backs out and closes the door. Strong Woman lets out a sigh of relief, then stands and goes to a mirror, which reveals tears in her eyes and a biiig belly. She's pregnant.]
[Kyle's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are pounding on the front door. Kyle answers it but doesn't invite them in.]
Stan:Dude, Kyle! Dude!
Cartman:Dude!
Kyle:What?
Stan:Did you read what Mr. Hankey tweeted last night?!
Kyle:What Mr. Hankey... tweeted?
Stan:Yeah. I guess after band rehearsals he went on Twitter to talk about us.
Cartman:Look! [Cartman takes out his phone and hands it to Kyle so Kyle can see for hiimself]
Kyle:Oh. Jesus Christ, dude.
[Mr. Hankey's room. He's at a sewing machine making a Santa ourfit.]
Mr. Hankey:Santa Claus is on his way. He's loaded goodies on his sleigh.
He'll drop them off on christmas Day-
Kyle:Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey:Oh, Kyle! Hoowwwwdy ho!
Kyle:Mr. Hankey, everyone's really mad at you. Were you on Twitter last night?
Mr. Hankey:[slowly] Yeah.
Kyle:Did you tweet "The kids of South Park are retarded homos who can't play music"?
Mr. Hankey:[more slowly] Yeah.
Kyle:Why would you tweet that?! All the kids are really pissed off!
Mr. Hankey:It was a bad attempt at a joke. I'm sorry. Will you tell the kids I didn't meann it?
Kyle:What do you want me to say?
Mr. Hankey:The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night so I took some Ambien. you ever take that stuff? It turns your brain into oatmeal. Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm. We've gotta focus on Christmas! [Kyle just looks at him]
[The school gymnasium, day. PC Principal and Strong Woman stand on the basketball court facing the student assembly.]
PC Principal:All right, everyone, listen up. The vice principal has asked to speak with you today. She believes it is time that we all as a school finally discused in-vitro fertilization.
Strong Woman:That's right, kids. Many women today make the choice to have children without a man in their lives. They can have their eggs fertilized by an unknown person's sperm in a lab.
PC Principal:That's right, Strong Woman. In today's society it is wrong to just assume that a pregnant woman had intercourse with a man.
Strong Woman:[doubles over in pain] Ooohhhhhhh!
PC Principal:St-students at this school need to be careful because it can be offensive to ask questions like "Who's the father?"
Strong Woman:[doubles over in pain] Oh! Ooohhhhhhh!
PC Principal:[looks at Strong Woman, then softly] You- you all right, Strong Woman?
Strong Woman:I'm fine!
PC Principal:S0-so we'd like to have all our students talk to their parents tonight about in-vitro fertilization, and after that, let's just put the whole issue behind us. [Strong Woman stands up and fluid drops to the floor from her belly. Several seconds of stunned silence follow]
Strong Woman:That's my water breaking. Not a big deal. [more fluid gushes out]
[The town square. Mr. Hankey gets the Christmas stage ready]
Mr. Hankey:Christmas time. It's Christmas time. Christmas time. Yeah, it's Christmas time.
Mayor McDanniels:[appears to his right with a crowd of citizens] Hankey! [he looks up and notices the crowd] We need to talk about what you tweeted!
Mr. Hankey:Oh, I'm sooo sorry. I took Ambien two nights ago and I called the schoolkids homos.
Mayor McDanniels:No, I'm talkin gabout what you tweeted last night! [takes her phone out and reads] "The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."
Mr. Hankey:Oh-oh Jeez, did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, DO NOT take Ambien. Okay? Whew!
Mayor McDanniels:I'm afraid we have no option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council.
Mr. Hankey:Fire me? Nonono, please. I-I'm really sorry. [the crowd turns and leaves] No, no wait! Wait, please give me another chance! Don't do this! What about Christmas? [croops in defeat]
[South Park, day. A large sign announcing Mr. Hankey's Holiday Pageant greats the visitor upon arriviing in town. A car speeds out of town]
PC Principal:[in theh passenger seat] It's okay. We'll be at the hospital soon. Just keep breathing.
Strong Woman:[driving, despite her condition] I didn't need your help!
PC Principal:I'm just a co-worker helping another co-worker in need.
Strong Woman:Yeah, well, people might get the wrong idea! I have worked my whole life to be the strongest woman possible, a person little girls could look up to. If those girls thought I was the type to get knocked up by my boss-
PC Principal:I certinly do not want to put an pressures on you as a female, but at times I wonder if there is more we should discuss.
Strong Woman:There's nothing to discuss! I made a mistake ndn I am MOVING FORWARD!
[The law offices of Mayer, Schulz, and Tate, day.]
Mr. Hankey:My civil rights are under sttack. They can't just fire me from the Christmas show! The whole thingis my creation!
Male Lawyer:Uh, last night you tweeted "The city council can suck my Mexican dick."
Mr. Hankey:It was a joke. Look at me! I don't even have a dick! Get it? [no reaction from the lawyers] Okay, okay, look, I know: it wasn't a good joke. But it really wasn't my fault. The fact is, I went home last night and I was angry. I couldn't sleep, so I took some Ambien. And then I started tweeting. Ambien messes with my head. You ever take that crap?
Female lawyer:You want us to take this up against Ambien? They have the best lawyers in the world.
Mr. Hankey:Well, I thought maybe I could get them in a defecation lawsuit. [he is quickly kicked out] Rrrgh!
[J. Prewiit law office, later. Mr. Hankey is seated at the lawyer's desk and speaks to him]
Mr. Hankey:And I never ever would have said those things about the city councel, but the Ambien makes me kind of black out.
Mr. Prewitt:I'm sorry, sir, but we don't represent pieces of shit.
Mr. Hankey:Why not? [he is quickly kicked out] Rrrgh!
[Gerald's law office, later. He's talking to Gerald about suing Ambien]
Mr. Hankey:And I just thought maybe we could convince the city council to hire me back.
Gerald:Look, I'm sorry, but I learned a long time ago that if you defend poop, you get stained. [he is quickly kicked out. This time he just sits on the step and mopes]
Kyle:Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey:Oh, Kyle. [sadly] Howwwdy ho.
Kyle:What are you doing here?
Mr. Hankey:Just tryin' to find some help. There isn't a lawyer in town who will take me. Wait a minute... You! Yo're the son of a lawyer. You have lawyer blood inside your veins! You can help me with my defecation lawsuit, Kyle!
Kyle:Me? What can I do?
Mr. Hankey:Please, Kyle. You're the only person left who can help me. You and me, pal, we are gonna fight the system!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Strong Woman and PC Principal have arrived at the hospital]
Voice-over:Paging Dr. Bender.
Dr. Bender:Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies with no epidural. I must say, she's a very strong woman.
PC Principal:That she is.
Dr. Bender:The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away. [they stop by the maternity ward and look in] There are her babies, right there.
PC Principal:Oh, dude. Bro.
Dr. Bender:Yes, cute ittle buggers, aren't they? Three boys nd two girls.
PC Principal:I think it's wrong to force gender specification upoon them at this young age.
Dr. Bender:Funny. That's exactly what their mother said. [turns to face him] The quints are all Caucasian, blue-eyed, and something kind of weird.
PC Principal:What's that?
Dr. Bender:Well, the babies are all extremely PC, the likes of which I have never seen. Watch this. [walks to the intercom and presses the mic] Three black guys walk into a bar. [the newborns immediately start crying.] It's okay! It's okay! They left! They left! [the babies stop crying]
PC Principal:Doctor, would it be possible for me to... hold the PC babies?
Dr. Bender:Oh I'm sorry. That's only for the mother and father. Though, ccording tot he vice principal, the father doesn't even exist. [PC Principal wilts]
[The neighborhood playground, day. The boys are shooting hoops without Kyle. Cartman shoots, but it's an air ball]
Kyle:[runs up] You guys! Hey guys! Ithink I figured it out.
Kenny:(What?)
Kyle:How to get Mr. Hankey another chance. [no reaction from the boys] There's by-laws in the city council that community service leaders can't be terminated without a hearing. I need you guys there as character witnesses.
Stan:Nnnope.
Cartman:Not getting thet stink on me.
Kyle:He has a right to be heard. He's meant a lot to this town.
Stan:Dude, why do you keep defending him, Kyle?
Cartman:Yeah. You know everyone in town thinnks he's a piece of shit.
Kyle:Come on, guys. We can't just turn our backs. How many times has Mr. Hankey been there for us?
Stan:Mmmm. Once, kind of?
Kyle:Look, he messed up, but I don't know if he deserves everything that's coming down on him. I wann stand by my friend.
Cartman:Mm, let's see how that goes for you in 2018. [the boys turn away and resume playing]
[Strong Woman's recovery room, later. PC Principal peeks inside, then goes in and closes the door and walks up to her bed]
PC Principal:Vice Principal?
Strong Woman:My babies! Where are they?
PC Principal:Shh it's okay. The babies are fine, reseting in the nursery. They're the most... [voice cracking] they're the most PC bbies I've ever seen.
Strong Woman:You shouldn't be here! People will start getting suspicious!
PC Principal:Look I was the one who abused my position and took advantage of a subordinate-
Strong Woman:Nobody took advantage of me!
PC Principal:N-Not took advantage. You know what I'm saying.
Strong Woman:And I'm a strong woman!
PC Principal:All I want to do is help. We can say I'm the manny. And if anyone has a problem with that, then they have a problem with gender biases, and they can take it up with me! We can keep the truth about the babies totally hidden. [the door opens and three nurses walk in holding the babies. The parents notice this]
Strong Woman:Oh yes, that curriculum should be fine for the students. I'll start working on an all-school proposal.
PC Principal:Oh yes, very good, Vice Principal. See that it is done by back to school night.
Female Nurse:A-hall right, Mommy! Your little bundles of joy are here. Oh! And who's this?
PC Principal:I am the manny. Anyone have a problem with that?
Female Nurse:No, not at all.
Male Nurse:Everything good here? [the babies strt crying. He looks around, then at his shirt, which has an image of Speedy Gonzales on it.] Aw! Are these PC babies?
[Park County Courthhose, day. The Mr. Hankey Hearing is being televised.]
Voice-over:And nnow, live from the town courthouse, it's the Hankey Hearing on South Park 13. [inside, Kyle gets his papers ready as the courtroom audience takes its seats]
Mr. Waithouse:Mr. Hankey- [Mr. Hankey sniffles] Fourteen hours ago did you or did you not say "everyone in South Park is a Goddamend douchebag"?
Mr. Hankey:Y-es. That was a bad attempt at a Christmas joke.
Mr. Waithouse:But there's nothing in that statement about Christmas.
Mr. Hankey:That's what I said: it was a bad attempt.
Mr. Waithouse:What part of the statement was actually-
Mr. Hankey:You wanna hear a good Christmas joke?
Mr. Waithouse:In 2005 you said- [Mr. Hankey sniffles] You said that you had no recollection of a- [Mr. Hankey sniffles]
Mr. Hankey:Sorry, I got the sniffles.
Mr. Waithouse:Mr Hankey, do you understand how important these statements are to the citizens of this town?
Mr. Hankey:All I understand is it's only eight weeks until Christmas! If we don't stop wasting our time, we're all gonna miss out on the most magical part of the whole year!
Mr. Waithouse:What diid you mean lsat night when you tweeted, "The Myaor of South Park is a titless whore"? [Kyle's jaw drops and his head falls forward on the table]
Mr. Hankey:Oh, come on! It was a joke! That's it! That's it, I've had enough of this whole fucking sham! Fuck all you and fuck this whole system! It's Christmastime!! [leaves his chair]
[Foor 4 Little, day. Strong Woman is out of the hospital and shopping with three of the quints]
Strong Woman:It's okay. Shhh. We just need to get some diapers. Shhh.
Elderly Woman:[passing by] Ohhh, what adorable little babies.
Strong Woman:Thank you.
Elderly Woman:[getting a closer look] My, they look very PC.
Strong Woman:Oh no, no, they're not very PC at all.
Man 1:Awww, look at the PC babies!
Strong Woman:They actually aren't PC.
Man:No? [squats down and tells the babies] Did you hear Monica Lewinsky's becoming Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. [the babies cry, the adults laugh]
Strong Woman:Oh God, shhhh, nonononono. Sheee.
PC Principal:[arrives with the other two infants] Is everything all right?
Man 1:Oh Look! More PC babies!
Woman 1:They're everywhere!
Strong Woman:I told you we need to shop separately! Sh! Shhh!
Man 2:[stops by] Excuse me, where's the Oriental food aisle? [the babies cry harder]
Man 1:Shhh! Quiet! There's PC babies!
[Denny's, day. Kyle is at a booth with Mr. Hankey.]
Mr. Hankey:Gee whiz. Thanks for comin' out with me, Kyle. [a waitier walks by behind them and stares at Mr. Hankey] These days, it's like you're my only friend. [Kyle looks up and notices soem boys looking at him. Next shot shows Clyde, Craig, Tweek, and Token at a window booth looking back at Kyle and Mr. Hankey. Kyle looks dismayed] So what's the plan, huh? What you got figured out to get my job back?
Kyle:I had a plan. You decided to call the Mayor a titless whore!
Mr. Hankey:[laughs it off] Oh, it was a joke, Kyle. Sometimes, when I take Ambien, I'm really groggy and moody the next day. It's a real side effect. It's printed right on the bottle.
Kyle:[growls] I don't know how much longer I can defend you. People are strting to think I'm shitty.
Mr. Hankey:Kyle, don't you understand this whole thing is a smear campaign? Whyy are people focusing on a few stupid words I said when Christmas is just around the corner?! It's like everyone's forgot about what Christmas means! [brightens up and gasps] Oh my God! Kyle, that's it! The holiday spirit!
Kyle:It's October!
Mr. Hankey:And that's the point! Don't you see? What we need to do is get everyone in the Christmas mopd! We can bring the whole spirit of the holidays early!
Kyle:[looks away] Okay, you do htat.
Mr. Hankey:Nonono. Kyle, you gotta help me! I can't do this alone!
Kyle:I have homework and stuff!
Mr. Hankey:You're all I have! Even my wife left with the nuggets 'cuase of all the pressure! Please!
Kyle:Okay, fine! I'll help you. But listen to me: I don't care how restless you get tonight, NO AMBIEN!
Mr. Hankey:Well, maybe just a liddle if I really can't sleep.
Kyle:No! None! If you want my help this time, you aren't taking any Ambien tonight. That's the deal!
Mr. Hankey:Yay! It's a deal! Oh boy, Kyle, I'm so excited! We're gonna bring the spirit of Christmas to South Park!
[The neighborhood park, day. PC Principal and Strong Woman take the quints out for a stroll]
Jogger:Oho, look at the little PC babies!
PC Principal:Oh, no, we're from uh, Missouri.
Jogger:I know a PC baby when I see one! [to the babies, cooing] Who loves social justice? Who's the future? Who's the big bad future? Yes they are. [one of the quints giggles]>
Woman 2:Ohh, PC babies!
PC Principal:All right, please move along, folks. We dont want the babies to get excited. [a synthesizer begins to play, and everyone within earshot of it stops to listen]
Mr. Hankey:Helloooo South Park! Come on, everybody! Get over here! [Craig, Clyde, Tweek, and Token exit the Halloween Outlet store with their cosumes] Who wants to see a miracle?! Howwwdy ho, everyone! Guess what time it is? It's Christmastime! [fireworks go off as citizens gather at the town square]
All:Oohhhhh!
Mr. Hankey:Deck the halls and trim the trees, Christmastime is here.
Gonna sing and flush our worries away. It's the best time of the year

That's right, everybody! Who loves the holidays? [all cheer] Just like when Christ was born, let's all be with our mothers and fathers and- [the PC babies begin to cry] Let's not forget that, that boys and girls all over the world are-
Man 3:Hey! Hey, caareful! You're upsetting the PC babies!
Mr. Hankey:The PC what-Listen! Christmas season means peace on earth and good will towards men! [the crying continues] All right, all right look, what, what is the holiday season about? It's about loving each other, right? Loving and- [getting exasperated] What?! What are they rying about now?!
Man 4:Sometimes PC babiess don't even know what they're crying about.
Mr. Hankey:Well, then tell the babies to shut the fuck up! [the crowd turns on him] Who the fuck brings a Goddamned baby to a Christmas show, anyway?!
Kyle:[leaps away from the keyboard and grabs Mr. Hankey] Mr. Hankey, stop!
Mr. Hankey:Lemme go, Kyle! These people are idiots! [proceeds to beat up Kyle and wreck the stage. The crowd disperses]
[Downtown South Park. Kyle walks down the street battered from the beatdown Mr. Hankey gave him]
Girl:Mommy, something stinks. [they stop to look at Kyle]
Mother:Yeah, like shit. [takes her daughter's hand and moves on. A shopkeeper shuts his door as Kyle walks by]
Man 5:[drives by and honks] You stand up for all pieces of crap?! Asshole!
[The neighborhood park, moments later. Kyle walks by with his head down. His friends stop playing to look at hiim. He looks back]
Cartman:Uh huh! 2018. [they turn and walk away as Kyle moves on. Further on, he sees Mr. Hankey and stops]
Mr. Hankey:Kyle, listen. It was 3 a.m. last night and I still hadn't slept, so I de- [Kyle ignores him and walks on] Kyle? Kyle, please! They're gonna run me out of town, Kyle! They're going to erase me and everything I ever did.
Kyle:[turns around] You want them to erase me, too?
Mr. Hankey:Kyle, we can all be shitty sometimes.
Kyle:Uh... [sighs a few times, then turns away with nothing to say and walks off]
[Strong Woman's office, night. The babies are put to sleep]
PC Principal:They're so strong, like their mother.
Strong Woman:They're so PC, like... whoever their father is. [PC looks at her] We'll never keep them quiet. Our only hope is to keep them hidden. [closes the office door]
PC Principal:Can they ever know that I'm their dad?
Strong Woman:We did the most un-PC thing imaginable. Think about what that would do to them. We can never let them know the debaucherous, sickening circumstances that brought them into this world.
PC Principal:Then I'll just try to be the best principal to them that I possibly can.
Strong Woman:And I'll be their strongest vice principal, and hopefully... the world will calm down and not do anything to upset them.
[South Park news. ]
Newscaster:Today... South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey. The longtime union of this town and the holidy figure... is over for good. We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop. [next scene is Kyle walkiing out of town as the residents look on]
Mr. Hankey:Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.
Mayor McDaniels:No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.
Mr. Hankey:A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.
Mayor McDaniels:[opens the back door for him, then coldly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey. [he hops in and she closes the door. The car pulls away]
Stan:Where will he go?
Randy:He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.
[Springfield, day. Mr. Hankey hops into the town square, which is filled with Springfield residents, including the Simpsons]
Mr. Hankey:Hoowwwwdy ho!
Bart:Cool man, talking crap.
Apu:Welcome, my friend. Please, rest your weary feet and make yourself at home here.
All:Hooray!
[End of The Problem with a Poo. #cancelthesimpsons]