Episode 2206 - Time To Get Cereal

Cast:

Cartman
Stan
Kyle
Kenny
Mr. Mackey
Strong Woman
Randy Marsh, Marvin Marsh
Jimbo and Ned
Al Gore
Satan
Susan and husband
Det. Sgt. Yates, Maggie, Officer Brown, other Officers, Female Officer
Denver City Hall Receptionist


[A meadow near town, day. A small bird chirps on a blade of grass when suddenly, it's shot to pieces. Camera pans left and we see Jimbo and Ned in the distance, Ned holding the rifle that shot the bird]
Jimbo:Yeah-heah! You got it, Ned! That was a nice shot!
Ned:Mn-thanks. I thought so too.
Jimbo:Come on, let's see what we got. [they walk to the bird's loaction and look down] Huh. Looks like you shot the shit out of it. There's nothin' left. [looks to his left] Hey. Lookie here. Jesus. You ever seen animal tracks that big? [the hoof prints of a large animal are shown - pig on the left, bear on the right]
Ned:Mmm-no I have not, Jimbo.
Jimbo:Looks like a bear. A huge one! Come on, the tracks go this way. [they walk a awya, then stop] Look at that. Looks like bear droppings. But with a man poop right next to it.
Ned:I'm scared. [they move forward]
Jimbo:What the hell are we deaing with, Ned? Whatever it is, it was hear recently. [they walk through some hemp plants]
[They've made their way to Tegridy Farms. Randy and Stan are on the porch]
Randy:Hey! [Jimbo and Ned look up] What the hell are you guys doin' on my farm?
Jimbo:We're trackin' a bear, Randy.
Randy:A bear? [a growling squeal is heard, Everyone looks around] That didn't sound like no bear. [Ned begins to run away]
Jimbo:Where're you goin' Ned?
Ned:Mmm-I'm getting my white ass outta here. [stops. A huge manbearpig rises out of the field and squeal-growls at him]
Stan:What the fuck?!
Jimbo:Jesus Christ! [fumbles to aim his gun at ManBearPig and finally gets a shot out. Ned runs away, and ManBearPig gives chase.] Whoa!
Ned:[slowly while running] Help me! [ManBearPig catches up to him and mauls him, then carries him away in its mouth.]
Jimbo:NNEEEEDDDD!!
[Park County Police Station, day. Officers arrive to work.]
Yates:All right. We have some dead cows down at Milner's Ranch. I want Conners and Tiggs to check that out. And the two hikers are still missing. Let's have all units keep their ears to the ground. [tidies up his papers] All right, ladies, that's it. Second shift starts now. As for me, I'm finally heading home.
Officer 1:Gonna finally get some R&R, sir?
Yates:Yep. Gonna go home and play me some Red Dead Redemption 2. I got a train to rob in Valentine.
Officer 2:Detective! Got a call from the school. Another kid's been killed.
Yates:No, no not another school shooting! Can't they handle it themselves?
Officer 2:Said they need us right away.
Yates:[makes fists] God damn it! >[loosens them] Why the hell can't these kids stop being a pain in my ass? [takes off his coat and adjusts his tie]
[South Park Elementary, day. Several police cars pull up. Yates and the others get out and enter the school. Strong Woman has the students huddled up on the playground.]
Strong Woman:Children, everyone, just stay back, okay? The police are coming.
Yates:[arrives with Ofc. Brown.] All right, what happened? What grade was the shooter in?
Strong Woman:Oh thank God. Some kindergartners found the body. I-I don't think it was a shooting.
Yates:[takes a cigarette from a pack in his shirt pocket] Of course it's a school shooting. It's cut and dry. Let's just get this over with so I can go home. Where's the victim? [takes out a lighter and lights his cigarette]
Strong Woman:Over there. [points to her left, and the officers follow with their eyes]
Brown:What the hell? [the body they reach is a kid's body which has been ripped to shreds]
Yates:Jesus, it's a complete mauling.
Officer 3:[kneels to take a closer look] Looks like part of him was eaten.
Yates:[returns to the students] All right, which one of you little shitheads did this? [the student body stays silent] Come on. I don't have time for these little games. Which of you peckers felt isolated and lashed out at society? If I have to stay here and do an investigation instead of go home and rob a train, there's gonna be serious hell to pay!
[South Park Elementary hallway. Kyle is at his locker switching books. He closes the locker as Cartman and Kenny walk by, and joins them.]
Kyle:So what as he doing alone on the playground?
Cartman:Staci Nakabw says he just wanted to run back out and get hsi football.
Kenny:(What the fuckin' hell, dude?)
Kyle:And there were bear prints in the snow?
Stan:It wasn't a bear! [seen by his locker seated on the floor with his arms around his legs] I saw it. [the other boys walk up to him]
Kyle:You saw what?
Stan:It was at my house. There was a... thing. It attacked my uncle and took his friend. It was like a bear, but a pig... thing.
Kyle:Jesus.
Stan:It ws at my house, and then here at the school! Everyone says that kid and I looked alike. What if that thing is after me??
Cartman:Dude, now you're just overreating.
Mackey:[over the P.A.] Attentnion, please. Will the following students report to the principal's office? Eric Cartman, Kenny McCormick. [both are surprised that they've been called.] Thank you, 'kay.
Cartman:Aww, what did I do this time?
[The principal's office, lobby. Cartman and Kenny arrive.]
Cartman:You go first, Kenny.
Kenny:(Why can't you go first?)
Cartman:I didn't even do anything wrong!
Kenny:(Neither did I!)
Cartman:Just stop being a baby, Kenny, and go! [pulls Kenny to the door]
[The principal's office, inside. Kenny goes in first, then Cartman. Yates is sitting at the desk, smoking a cigarette.]
Yates:Take a seat, boys. Right there. [the boys sit and wait as Yates lights up a cigarette and takes a loooong puff] You know how shitty it is to be a cop? [sits up] There's real emergencies every day - real people who need real help - but then, every other minute, I gotta stop everything 'cause one of you little fuckwads decides to go and shoot up the school. [kenny says something] Shut up! now, which one of you had a beef with Colin Brooks?!
Cartman:Nobody gives a shit about Colin Brooks.
Yates:Oh yeah? I asked the kids in this school, "Who are the biggest loners? Who's most likely to rage and be the next school shooter?" You know what they said? The fat, ugly mean kid and the detached, loner poor kid.
Cartman:Hey, I'm not poor, all right?!
Yates:Or was it both of you? Fess up. I have people in Horseshoe Overlook who are depending on me to get provisions so we can head back east.
Cartman:You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2?
Yates:That's right. And I'm gonna make both of you school shooters pay for wasting my time. [Cartman and Kenny just look at each other]
[Kyle's room, evening. Kyle is typing away at his computer as Stan looks on.]
Stan:Keep looking. There's a lot of people saying they saw it, Kyle. It's not just me.
Kyle:"Evidence of the creature of South Park." This is like a conspiracy Web site.
Stan:It's not a conspiracy, it's real. Keep going down. There's video. [Kule scrolls down and stops at "MAN-BEAR-PIG captured on VIDEO"] There! Right there! [Kyle clicks on it and the video expands. ManBearPig is seen running off with another victim in its jaws.] That's it. That's what I saw. [walks away from the computer] I saw ManBearPig.
Kyle:ManBearPig?
Stan:Don't you remember, dude? We were warned about this. That weirdo guy who came and told us this would happen? He was right. [Kenny and Cartman soon run in]
Cartman:You guys! You guys! The police are trying to say me and Kenny killed that douchbag Colin Brooks.
Kyle:What?
Cartman:They questioned us for hours. They said they had enough to get warrants for our arrrest.
Stan:But it wasn't you guys.
Cartman:We know that! What the hell are we gonna do??
Stan:Who was tht ex-President guy? The one who showed up and tried to convince everyone of a ManBearPig?
Kenny:(You mean Al Gore?)
Kyle:Al Gore.
[Park County Police Station, day. Yates addresses everyone in the briefing room.]
Yates:In my report, you'll se that Eric Cartamn and Kenny McCormick are believed to have worked together. I've issued wwrrants for their arrests, and this case is now in the hands of the DA. [adjusts his papers and puts them away] And I... am finally going home. Keep McCormick and Cartman in separate holding cells, and don't wait on me to book 'em. I'm gonna be playing Red Dead Redemption for the next 18 hours. [gets to the entrance door]
Officer 2:Detective!
Yates:Whaaat?
Officer 2:There's more dead kids. Out in the woods by Stark's Pond.
Yates:In the woods? There was a school shooting out in the woods? Ourside of school is the one place kids are supposed to be safe.
Officer 2:They're saying it's really bad, sir. Need all units.
Yatess:[frustrated, sighs] God damn it! [takes off his coat] If these kids don't stopp killing each other, I'm gonna shoot 'em all myself.
[Denver City Hall, day. The boys approach the receptionist.]
Stan:Hello, uh, we're looking for a government sort of guy named Al Gore?
Receptionist:Al Gore... al Gore... Sounds familiar.
Kyle:He said he was almost President once. He came to our town once to warn us about something, [hands her a photo] and we have to find him. [the signed photo is from Al Gore to his best friends.]
Receptionist:Ohhh yeahhh. This looks like Jim Turner.
Kenny:{Jim Turner?}
Receptionist:The state bowling champion five years in a row. You can always catch him practicing down at Gramercy Lanes.
[Gramercy Lanes, later. "Jim Turner" is seen getting ready to bowl.]
Gore:Focus. Calm. Center. [bowls. The ball takes out 9 of 10 pins] Yes! Die! Die, you pins! Oh, we've got a straggler, do we? You're gonna die just like the rest of 'em.
Stan:Mr. Gore?
Gore:Focus. Calm.
Stan:Al Gore?
Gore:[faces them] That's a name I haven't heard in a long time.
Stan:I don't know if you remember us, but we're the kids you got to help try and capture ManBearPig? Well uh, eheh, you were right. Ha, you, you were toally right. ManBearPig is real and, uh, he's killing lots of people in our town.
Gore:Oh. Sucks for you. [turns around and gets the spare.]
Kyle:Please, Mr. Gore! We need your help! ManBearPig isn't going to stop!
Gore:[gets a new ball and holds it] Oh, is it inconvenient now? I tried to warn you all, but no one took me cereal. You all just made fun of me, didn't you? Well, now you can just deal with it yourselves.
Kyle:Please, just tell us. How do you stop it?
Gore:You stop it all those years ago when I freaking warned you and you still had time!
Stan:There has to be something we can still do. Please, Mr. Gore. You're the only person who knows anything about it.
Gore:Say you're sorry for makiing fun of me.
Stan:We, didn't, we didn't realize there were more than-
Gore:Say you're sorry for makiing fun of me.
Cartman:[siincerely] We're sorry for makiing fun of you.
Gore:That... didn't sound cereal at all. [turns and bowls a strike]
[Red Lobster, day. A family is seated at a booth. The mother and son sit against a wall while the father sits on the open side.]
Husband:You can't just go along with what people are saying, Susan. Okay? There's no scientific proof, no real evidence of a manbearpig.
Susan:Well, there's a lot of smart people saying ManBearPig is real.
Husband:Yeah, and a lot of smarter people saying saying it isn't. Okay? What you need to understand, Susan, is that everyone has an agenda. Everyone wants to use the fear of a manbearpig to get what they want. [ManBearPig breaks through the windows and begins killing diners left and right] So they throw around bad science, bad taxidermy. People comin' out of the woodwork are now experts on the subject. [ManBearPig grabs a blond diner by the head and slams him to the ground, grabs a female diner and decapitates her with a single bite, grabs another diner and kills him] But you have to use your own brain, sweetheart. You can't just let people tell you that if you don't believe in ManBearPig, then you don't care about the world.
Susan:It is real!
Husband:You wanna believe it's real? You go right on ahead, Susan.
Susan:No, it's right there! It's right there behind you! [The father looks over his shoulder and sees ManBearPig grab another blond diner and rip his skull and spine from the rest of his body. Susan is terrified and screams]
Husband:Okay, ManBearPig is real. [ManBearPig grabs another diner and bites him in the torso, tosses him around, and spits him out] What are we gonna do about it now, huh? [ManBearPig grabs another diner and tears him in two] What are we gonna do that's gonna make any difference now, Susan?
Susan:[graabs their son and shakes her head in disbelief] What?! We have to do something!
Husband:What can we do that everyone else will also do, Susan? [ManBearPig grabs a female diner and slams her into a pillar] Coome on, use your brain. Even if we do something about it, what about the Chinese? [ManBearPig takes yet another diner and slams him into the booth behind the family's] They're just gonna keep right on- Aaaghghg! [ManBearPig grabs the father and crushes his skull in its jaws, killing him]
[Olive Garden, day. There's singing going oo in there.]
Boys:[singing to Al Gore, who's wearing a Special Boy crown]
For he's a jolly good fellow.
For he's a jolly good fellow.
For he's a jolly good fellowww.
That should 've been President.
Gore:Aw, thanks goys! You shouldn't have!
Cartman:You told us to. [Stan elbows him] Ngh!
Gore:What did you guys get me? [opens the first gift] Oh wow. Look! [a small framed picture] It's a "You were right about ManBearPig" signed picture. [the picture does say that, with the four boys signing it at the bottom]
Kyle:So, ahum, now maybe we can all work together, huh?
Gore:Hang on! [claps and sings] It's movie time! Go go! Start it up. [Kenny goes to start the projector] This is the best party ever. Oh look, guys. It's me! There I am, campaigning to be President. [a Gore 2000 clip] That's me with Hillary! [Gore with Hillary as she campaigns for him] There's more of me on the cmapaign trail, so full of dreams! Oh look! It's me when I found out I lost the election! [he and Bush stand by the White House after the election] Boo! [the boys have lost interest and their eyes are half closed] But then look! There's me getting an Academy Award! [for An Inconvenient Truth]
Kyle:[fed up] Okay, can we stop ManBearPig now?!
Gore:Who said anything about stopping MBP?
Stan:Yu-you told us to do all this.
Gore:Yeah, to make up for ripping on me!
Cartman:You're still not even gonna help us?!
Gore:I've moved on from this life, okay?! I have a new life now! I'm a bowler! And when I'm not bowling, I help out my gang. They're my family now! We're wanted in Blackwater, and we have to move our camp soon!
Cartman:You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2?
Gore:Yeah, it's amazing. Only thing is I have all these stolen items and I don't know how to sell them.
Stan:We know how.
Gore:[softly] Oh, really?
[Baskin Robbins, day. It is destroyed, with shattered windows and bodies torn apart and strewn everywhere. The police show up and document the massacre.]
Officer 3:[with notepad] No witnesses to the attack were left alive. The same bear and pig droppiings were found alongn with human excrement.
Yates:I don't believe it. A school shooting at an ice cream shop. Damn it! When children leave school they're supposed to be out of harm's way!
Officer 4:Detective! Sir, we got word on the two suspects. They appear to be on the run.
Yates:I would be too if I were guilty.
Officer 4:No one has seen them or their two closest friends, uh, Marsh and Broflovski.
Yates:So we got us a gang of shooters, huh?! How the hell hard can it be to find four boys?!
Officer 3:Sir. Why don't you take a break, sir?
Yates:Erh.
Officer 3:You've been hittin' it hard. We'll do all we can to catch these kids. Go home. Play some Red Dead Redemption.
Yates:Huh. Gotta admit I've love to see the sun rise over Citadel Rock again. And I got me a gal who claims she's got a side mission or two.
Officer 3:Go on home, sir. We'll take care of everything here.
[Al Gore's storage unit. He opens the security shutters and leads the boys in. Lots of papers and electronics fill the unit]
Gore:This is it. Every piece of information I ever gathered on ManBearPig.
Stan:Where did ManBearPig come from?
Kyle:Is it some sort of genetic mutation?
Gore:[uncovers a huge workstation with three screens] Hoho! I thought that once too. I wanted to find ManBearPig's origins. And so I created this - thte Internet. With that, I was able to look everywhere for any bit of data, and what I learned is that ManBearPig... is a demon.
Kenny:(A demon?!)
Gore:[brings up an image of an engraving] This is "The Temptation of St. Anthony" by Martin Schongauer. It depicts several demons. WolfMonekyGuy, ChickenFishWoman, and ElephantPorcupineMan, just to name a few. All of them sent by the Devii himelf. [realizes something] Oh my God.
Kyle:What?
Gore:I should play Red Dead on this computer, with all three screens. That'd be so bitchin' sweet.
Stan:Why did the Devil send ManBearPig?!
Gore:Why does the Devil do anything? He's the freakin' Devil. He's a dick. [opens a secret compartment in which his red cape and gold medallion rest, and puts on the cape and medallion] It's probably too late. By now, ManBearPig is so powerful that the only way to get rid of him is to send him back to hell. We're going to have to do... a demonic ritual. [goes to a mirror to make sure he's ready] All I can say is... you boys better get to the grocery store, 'cause it's time... to get cereal.
[Yates' house, night. Yates parks his car outside the garage and goes to the front door. He opens it and goes in. Maggie comes out to greet him]
Maggie:Harrison Yates, where have ya been?!
Yates:Another school shooting, Maggie. Down at Baskin-Robbins. [grabs his controller and presses Play. He waits for the game to appear onscreen]
Maggie:I haven't seen ya in days. I've missed you so much. Come have some supper with me.
Yates:Maggie, I just need to relax a bit, all right? Please. I've been waiting for this a long time. Just give me a- Wait a minute. The house in Valentine is built? Where did I get a sniper rifle? Maggie! Did you play over my saved game?
Maggie:I just played a little bit.
Yates:A little bit, you-? On my saved game?! Why didn't you start your own?!
Maggie:You're never home anymore! With all these school shootin's! I need a life too, you know?! ISo I robbed a lumber mill in Monto's rest, upgraded my horse and got a sniper rifle.
Yates:[stands up and confronts her] That's my life, Maggie! I was goin' for more honor points! God damn it!
Maggie:Why can't we have a life together?!
Yates:I haven't gotten to play in three days. You've done all this stuff without me! You got deputized?! [Maggie begins sobbing.] Oh God damn it! That does it!
Maggie:Where are ya goin?!
Yates:I'm starting a new life! [goes to the hat rack and puts on his coat and hat, then goes back to the armchair] I'mm creating a new saved game.
Maggie:You can;t possibly go all the way back to the snow level again!
Yates:What choice do I have now?! [Maggie sobs and heads towards the kitchen as he starts a new game] Fuckin' bitch.
[The woods, night. The camera aims at the night sky, then pans down, resting on the sacrificial circumscribed pentagram, drawn in blood. A goat is tied to a stake in the center, and a candle rests on each of the five points of the pentagram. Gore appears with a crown of twigs and holding a chicken by its feet]
Gore:Abuul abash mayah. What Satan has put forth uponn this earth, may it be summoned and banished forever. [the boys stand by with two other dead chickens. They each hold a candle. Kenny takes one of them to Gore]
Kyle:Dude, come on. What are we doing?
Cartman:This is stupid.
Stan:He was right before.
Gore:We call upon the powers of darkness. Come on, guys. We call upon the powers of darkness.
The Boys:We call upon the powers of darkness.
Gore:Al Gore was right. Al Gore was right all along.
The Boys:Al Gore was right all along.
Gore:We should have listened to Al Gore.
The Boys:We should have all listened to Al Gore.
Kyle:Wait. Wait, are you videoing us?
Gore:It's Instagram Live. Keep going! We should have taken Al Gore more cereal.
Stan:All right all right, that's enough! [puts down his candle] You need to stop wasting our time, dude. People are dying! You don't have a fucking clue what you're doing! [the pentagram brighters up, winds whip around in it, flames appear on the bloody markings. The goat is consumed and the flames get stronger.]
Gore:[faces the boys] You were saying?
Stan:Oh shit! [facepalm] God damn it! Nothing! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[The SPPD briefing room. The police officers await Yates. An officer coughs. The door opens and Yates storms in, alsms the door, puts his coat on the coat rack, kicks the waste basket and walks to the lectern]
Yates:Do you all have any idea what it's like to start over?! You walk four hours through the snow relearning everything, all because your bitch wife went and spent all your hard-earned money on upgrades you didn't want! I get one little break from work - onelittle break - and I didn't even get back to the first brawl at the saloon!
Officer 1:[raises his hand] You can actually bypass that fight if you go hunting with Dutch.
Yates:[slams his fist on the lectern] SHUT UP!! These school shootings are done, you hear me?! I want this case closed by the end of the night, one way or another! Now let's MOVE OUT!
[The woods, night. The pentagram is quite hot now as Gore and the boys wait for Satan]
Gore:Here he comes, boys! Prepare yourselves! [the pentagram oens up and a giant hand rises out of it and grips the ground. The rest of the figure rises up, growling. It's Satan.]
Satan:Who hath summoned me to this realm?!
Kyle:Dude! You summoned Satan!
Gore:Yeah, no doi! What'dya think we were doing?! [turns to Satan] Prince of Darkness! It is I, Al Gore! I was almost President!
Satan:What do you wish of me, Al Gore?!
Gore:A demon from Hell has been unleashed upon our world! We demand to know its nature! We demand to know its reason for coming!
Satan:There is only one place you can find the answers you seek! It is the place where all knowledge becomes known. Your local library.
Gore:Ah! You are correct. [to the boys] Your local library is an excellent resource for whatever you wish to learn.
Satan:Yes it is.
Gore:Then I command ye, Satan, to come with us to the local library! And I am cereal!
Kyle:Dude, Satan's not gonna go with us to the-
Satan:Very well, Al Gore. Let us go!
[South Park Public Library, night. The boys and Gore are inside browsing the stacks]
Satan:Yeah, guys! Guys, over here! I think I found it. What you're dealing with is a Sifter of Fate.
Kenny:(Well what's that mean?)
Satan:So there's these demons that, um, actually come once every few generations. They're all about making deals.
Stan:Making deals?
Satan:Yeah, check it out: "The Sifter of Fate thrives on tempting mankiind. It will always offer a deal in exchange for mercy, but the carnage will be a thousand times worse when the debt comes due."
Kyle:Okay, so wait. Now ou're saying that someone in our town made a deal with that thing?
Satan:Now it's here to claim its part of the bargain. It's sort of like when you're part of a gang feuding with a rival gang, you know? You ride around on your horse thinking it won't all catch up with you, but... it always does.
Gore:You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2?
Satan:So good, right? [police sirens draw near and stop]
Yates:Attention school shooters! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
Cartman:Oh Jesus. You gotta tell them, Mr. Gore! Tell them it wasn't us!
Gore:No. They don't listen to me, kids. [walks up to them and genuflects] It's up to you young people now. [takes off his medallion...] You have to find a way to get people to take this cereal. [...and puts it on Kyle. He then puts his cape on Stan] You must convince people there's a ManBearPig, which Satan told you is a Fate Sifter demon that made a deal with someone in this town!
Stan:That's gonna be impossible!
Gore:Yeah, sounds really hard, doesn't it? People might not believe you and like, make fun of you and stuff. Poor you guys, huh? [the boys turn and walk out, heads down.]
Officer 5:[voice only] They're coming out!
Female Officer:Hands where we can see 'em!
Stan:Everyone, listen! ManBearPig is real! It's a demon that thrives on makind deals to exploit mankind's weaknesses. I am super-duper cereal. We all have to work together, you guys. This one time. We have to all put our pride aside and be willing to say, maybe we were wrong.
Yates:All right, lock these little fuckers up! [four officers, one for each boy, come up and cuff them]
Kyle:No! You can't! [other officers come in and deal with the boys]
Yates:[leaving] That's it, gentlemen! Case closed. Now I've got a Goddamned stagecoach to rob in Scarlett Meadows!
Officer 6:[female] Well done, sir! [he and Yates high-five each other in passing]
Stan:No! Nooo!
[The arrest is aired on News 4. Kyle and Stan are put into the back seat]
Stan:Please! Somebody made a deal with ManBearPig! We have to find out who!
Marvin:[looking at the newscast at the retirement home] Billy... What have I done?
[End of Time To Get Cereal.]