Episode 2302 - Band In China

Cast:

Stan
Butters
Jimmy
Kenny
Kyle
Cartman
Mr. Mackey
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Stephen and Linda Stotch
Mayor McDaniels
Mickey Mouse
Winnie the Pooh and Piglet
Kate & Earl
Merchant
Mitchell and Passenger 2
Passenger 1
Producer
Thor


[The Marsh house, day. Stan plays an acoustic guitar in his room and hums softly, writing down lyrics from time to time]
Randy:[pops in for a moment] Stan! Family meeting! Get downstairs! [leaves]
Stan:I/m writing a song, Dad.
Randy:[returns] Nobody cares about that! Come on! I've got big news! [runs down the hallway and downstairs, laughing, and enters the dining room. Shelley is at the table reading her phone, Sharon is at the sink] Sharon! Shelley! Hurry! I've got it! [runs out to the living room. The others follow him there. Stan has his guitar and sits on the sofa]
Sharon:What is it, Randy?
Randy:You guys, I've just had the greatest idea ever!
Stan:We're gonna move back to our old house?
Randy:No! I've been trying to figure out how to make more money selling weed. And last night, it came to me. We could grow the family business by selling Tegridy... to the Chinese. [an epiphany plays] I did a little research. Turns out there's a lot of people in China. If we can get like 2% of that market to buy our weed, we'd make millions and millions of dollars! I'm flying to China tomorrow. I've got to get in on this before anyone else thinks of it. [walks towards the kitchen]
Sharon:Tomorrow? Ugh! [cuts him off and pulls him aside] Randy, are you forgetting about this Saturday?
Randy:What's this Saturday?
Sharon:Autumnfest? Stan's concert? He and his little friends have been rehearsing all week. A lot of people in town are coming out to support him. Everyone but you?
Randy:Everyone? [turns to Stan and whips out a Tegridy Farms shirt] Stan, you need to wear your Tegridy T-shirt at the preformance.
Stan:Aw, come on, Dad!
Randy:Stan, they're available on Amazon starting Friday, so you could really help promote the family business while I'm gone! [walks up to Stan] But, then again, I guess family doesn't mean all that much to you. [tosses the short onto Stan and walks away]
[Autumnfest, day. A crowd mills around the festival as more people arrive. A horseshoe lands around a pole, and Mr. Tweek is shown rejoicing as Mrs. Tweet and Tweek look on. The Blacks walk away from a food stand. Steve carries a burger while Token holds a cotton candy cone. A couple sings onstage. She plays the banjo while he plays the fiddle]
Kate & Earl:Tumbleweeds and squirrels, my darlin'. Tumbleweeds and squirrels. [the crowd claps for them]
Kae:Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels:Okay, that was the South Park Soundaroos! Thanks again to Kate and Earl! Alright, up next we have four of our local South Park fourth graders who have formed a band. Let's hear it for Stan Marsh and Crimson Dawn. [appluse swells]
Sharon:Hi, Stanley! [Shelley stands next to her, and Grandpa sits behind them. And behind them all is the McCormick family. Crimson Tide gets onstage, with Stan on vocals, Butters and Kenny on guitars, and Jimmy on drums.]
Stephen:Hoh, there's our Butters.
Linda:[swooning] Oh, Butters! Oh, aren't they cute?
Stan:[nervously] Um, hi. We're Crimson Dawn, and um, this is a song I wrote about living out in the country, on a farm.
Jimmy:Alright, f-f-f-fellas, just like we rehearsed it. And-a 1, and-a 2, and -a [death metal music plays.]
Stan:[growls] Fate is over! Open your eyes!
Butters:Get mem off this farm!
Stan:There is no hope, no second chance! All the elders saw the fall of the sky! Pride and glory! To touch the sky, we've burned the earth! Built our own infirmity!
[A jet ariplane, day. Passengers enter the cabin. Randy soon appears and takes a seat next to a passenger who's reading his phone, sets down his satchel, and buckles up]
Randy:First tiime goin' to China?
Passenger 1:Uhn, no, not really.
Randy:[cheerfully] It's my first time. I'm goin' out to try and drum up a little "business." What are you headin' out for?
Passenger 1:Uhd, I work for a clothing company. We're trying to break into the market and get the Chiinese people as customers.
Randy:Ohhh, huhuh, heeeyy. Fuck you.
Passenger 1:Huh?
Randy:I, I had that idea like three days ago.
Passenger 1:So what?
Randy:So when did you come up with it? [two other passengers appear two rows behind them.]
Passenger 2:Hehey, Mitchell, you're on this flight?
Mitchell:Yeah, that's so funny! I'm working for Google now, overseeing the expansions into the Chinese user base.
Passenger 2:Hehyeah, I'm still with the NBA doing some press with the players to try tuh... get more Chinese viewers.
Randy:[looks around and sees three NBA players come in and put their carry-on luggage in overhead bins] Oh, for Christ's sake! You have a good idea and everyone wants to copy you! Fine! I can handle some healthy competition! Who else wants to go to China and get some of their money?! [a bunch of Disney characters stream in from the front of the cabin] Oh, for cryin' out loud! [Thor sits next to Randy] Let me guess. You work for a company trying to get Chinese people as customers. "Wow, where'd you get that idea?" [a Stormtrooper sits to Thor's right, Snow White to the Pasenger 1's left.] It's okay, it's okay. I'm sure there's plenty of Chinese people for all of us.
[Tegridy Farms, day. Stan's band is practicing in the barn]
Stan (Butters):[growling]
Searching, wandering
Looking for thte perfect specimen.
Still pure. (Hate this farm!) Immature. (I hate this farm!)
Acknowledged sickness
concealed, swaggering!
Unseen (Hate this farm!) Wandering (I hate this farm!)
Looking for thte perfect specimen.
[a man appears in the barn doorway and snaps his fingers to the song. Stan notices and stops the music]
Okay, okay. Wait uh, hang on, guys. [Stan, Butters and Jimmy look back at the man, Kenny looks at Stan.]
Producer:[claps at them] Very good, boys! [stops clapping] I hear you guys play at Autumnfest. I really like your sound.
Butters:Who are you?
Producer:Well I'm a producer. I manage all the big rock bands in South Park. PC Babies... All of them!.
Jimmy:You manage the PC Babies? Holy snokes, fellas! They're huge
Stan:You wanna sign us so we can make a record and I can move away from here?
Producer:Records? What, are you kids from the '90s. There's no money in albums or singles or even tours anymore. What we need to focus on... is your biopic.
Butters:Biopic? You want to make the Crimson Dawn Biopc?
Producer:PC Babies biopic came out last week. Made over $100 million
Butters:Wow wee!
Kenny:(What do ya think, Stan?)
Producer:Well I'll just let you guys thnk on it, but don't take too long, huh?
[Internatonal Airport in China, day. Chinese music plays as Randy walks through the airport and other passengers pick up their luggage. He walks up to customs. Two inspectors check the luggage of two passengers; the female inspector sends them on their way]
Randy:[puts his suitcase on the scanner] Hello. Howdy. [hands his passport to the male inspector as the female inspector checks out the suitcase.] I'm a small business owner from the United States. You guys know any money people here? [the female inspector unzips the suitcase] Can I give you guys my card? I'm just starting to grow my business here in China. [the female inspector opens the suitcase to reveal the marijuana. The inspectors are shocked. The male inspector asks the female one something]
Female isnepctor:What is this, sir?
Randy:Oh that? That's weed. Marijuana. You now. [simulates a smoke and then the smoke drifting away, then smiles. The female calls sucurity over as Randy checks his Chinese translation app.] Ah, here. Here we go. Jay shi daamaa Tegridy Weed. [an officer just comes up and handcuffs him.] Whoa! Oh hey! Everything alright? What's gonig on? [the officer takes him away] Uh hey, don-don't forget my suitcase! C-could you grab my suitcase? All my weed is in there! Excuse me! Jay shi daamaa!
[Spinny Mountain Records, day. The record producer lays out his plan for the boys. He stands next to a whiteboard with three act listed on it. The acts haven't been filled in yet.]
Producer:What makes a band truly great? It's the desire to be heard, and a commitment to a three-act structure that has a 20 minute setup, about an hour and a half of conflict, and a big, triumphant resolution. SO, let's start at the beginning, gang. When did your band first form?
Stan:Uuummm, it was about two weeks ago.
Butters:Yeah. As a matter of fact, two and a half, three weeks ago, I'd say.
Stan:I hah, I hah, I hadn't seen my friend Kyle, and I hate living on a farm, so I started writng songs.
Producer:That's good, that's good. [writes under Act I] "Lost a close friend. Put loneliness into lyrics."
Butters:Yeah, and then Stan came to me and then I said "Well I can play the drums."
Jimmy:But he already asked me to play the drums
Butters:Well, so yeah, I, okay, I'll play guitar.
Producer:[writes under Act 2] "Inner conflict over direction of band." Good.
Stan:Oh. And then Kenny learned to play bass watching YouTube videos of John Lennon with the Dalai Lama.
Producer:Oh no oh OH oh yeah, no no, we don't wanna go there. Talking about the Dalai Lama doesn't go over well with the Chinese.
Jimmy:The the thewhat?
Producer:Look, for this movie to really make money, we need to make sureit clears the Chinese censors, you know. We want those chinese viewers..
Stan:[somewhat upset] Aw, seriously?
Producer:Oh it's okay, there's plenty of other things to talk about with your story. How about, uh, what kind of things were you into when you were younger?
Butters:Well, I always liked Winnie the Pooh.
Producer:Okay-oh no. Nonono, that's definitely off-limits. Winnie the Pooh is illegal in China because some Chinese students said that he looked like the Chinese president,
Stan:Oh, come on. That's ridiculous!
Producer:Hey, you wanna move away from your family, right? You wanna be successful on your own, right?
Stan:[a bit defeated] Yeah.
Producer:All right. Well, you know what they say you gotta lower your ideals of freedom if you wanna suck on the warm teat of China.
[A Chinese prison, rainy day. A group of prisoners are sent across a yard, Randy struggles to keep up. A soldier strikes a prisoner on the left cheek with the butt of a rifle. Next scene is the prisoners assmbling toy robots in a dimly lit room. Next scene is the rainy yard agin. Randy stands in the middle of it alone as soldiers stand faw away from him. One of the soldiers approaches and gives him a card to read, then shocks him to get him to speak.]
Randy:Aaaugh. I am a proud member of the Communist Party, The Party is more important than the individual. [next scene has the prisoners assembling dolls in a brightly lit room. Someone is moaning outside, and he goes to the window to see who it is. A prisoner is on his knees begging for hislife. A soldier walksup and just shoots him, and he falls over. Randy is unnerved by this. Randy is then taken to a cell full of prisoners and thrown in. Nearby, a prisoner poops into a hole in the ground. Randy is alarmed]
A familiar voice:Oh, hello there.
Randy:[a bit spooked] Who, who's there?
Winnie the Pooh:Nobody. Just a bear. [steps into the light. Piglet shows up next to him] I was wondering, since you're new, if youmight have... some honey?
Randy:No, I don't have any honey. Are you prisoners here?
Piglet:Some people said Pooh looked like the Chinese p-p-p-president, ,so we're illegal in China now.
Randy:Jesus. Whatkind of madhouse is this?
[Tribunal, day. Two guards flank a prisoner as he pleads his case. The judge responds and the prisoner gets downon his knees. The guards soon carry him off. The judge asks for the next case, and Randy is brought up]
Randy:Your Honors, I'm just a simple farmer, from a simpler time. Now, I've never been to China before, but I hate to say I'm a little disappointed in all of you. From what I've seen, you, you seen to trreat your people like dirt. You don't believe in any individual freedoms. I mean, you got Winnie the Pooh and Piglet in jail! Now, come on, China! You know, a country ain't nothin' unless it's got decency and in-tegrity! And I think I speak for Pooh and Piglet and all of Disney when I say you could use some 'tegrity, China! [brightens up] Now, it just so happens that I own a Tegridy farm. And I think I might be able to work out a deal for all you nice folk.
[South Park Elememntary, day. Stan, Jimmy, Kenny, and Butters walk down the hallway.]
Stan:This is so awesome, you guys. Our band is gonna be huge.
Butters:Yeah. And, we're gonna be rich.
Kenny:(They're the same thing.)
Jimmy:[annoyed] Yeah. Isn't this just great.
Stan:Hey. What's wrong, Jimmy?
Jimmy:Fella, I need to tell you something. I thnk I'm homosexual. And also, I'm addicted to cocaine.
Butters:Oh, that's okay, Jimmy.
Stan:Yeah, we can get you a liver transplant.
Producer:Cut! Cut! Listen guys, we uh just got word back from the Chines censors. They don't want us mentioning organ transplants.
Stan:How come?
Producer:Well, they've been accused of harvesting from the-look look, it doesn't matter. They, they just said "no" to the organ stuff. Oh, and uhh, no homosexuality either.
Stan:No homosexuality?! We're trying to do a band biopic!
Butters:Yeah! And what's wrong with homosexuality anyways?!
Producer:Nothing. Unless you wanna make money in china. Now come on! Everyone back to one!
[A convention, womewhere. Disney characters from Pirates of the Caribbean, Beauty and the Beast, the Avengers, Frozen, Snow White, Winnie the Pooh, Aladdin, and others stand around chattng with each other.]
Mickey Mouse:[opens the door and enters the hall] All right?! Who's the asshole?! Which one of you decided to go and start badmouthing the Chinese government?! Huhuh. Who here thought they had permission to say anything critical of Chinese politics?!
Thor:Well it is true, sir. The Chinese seem to exploit their own people in forced labor cam-
Mickey:SHUT THE FUCK UP, THOR! You're here to flex and not speak, you fucking bitch!
Pooh:Please. Mr. Marsh was only standing up for me and Piglet, because we were political prisoners.
Mickey:YOU are a fat diabetic bear, and if the Chinese don't want you, then I don't either! Now who the fuck is Mr. Marsh?!
Randy:Uhhh that's me. Randy Marsh
Mickey:Who is this?! I don't know you?! Are you from Pixar?!
Randy:No, I'm from South park
Mickey:What's south Park! Do I own that?!
A character:No, not yet sir.
Mickey:You're telling me that I'm losing Chinese customers because of some shithead that's not even from MY company?!
Randy:Hey hold on a minute! Do you really think this businnes should be run through intidimation and fear?! Whatever happened to old-time values?! You already have business with the Chinese. You have all the connections money can buy! But there's one thing you don't have. That's Tegridy. Now, it just so happens-
[Mr. Mackey's office, day.]
Mr. Mackey:Boys, I understand you have a band at the school?
Stan:Yeah. what's wrong with that?
Mr. Mackey:Well boys, ih ih seems to me like your music is kind of... angry. M'kay? I mean,it's really loud, n'kay, and it's a little angry.
Stan:Yeah, because I hate living on a farm 30 miles out uof town!
Jimmy:Yeah, tell hin, Stan!
Stan:I can't stand my dad naymore, and if I want to do death metal, I can! It's a free country!
Producer:Cut! Cut! cut cut. [flanked by two Chinese officials] Ah kids, let's not say anything about this being a free country.
Stan:Aw, come on!
Producer:Hey! These guys were nice enough to come all the way from China to help us with our standards. We can at least listen to their notes. [One of the two men whispers into his ear.] Oh. Oka-okay. Okay. [to the boys] Actually gang, we need to rewrite the wole second act.
Stan:But that will take forever!
Producer:Come on, guys! Everyone else is fine with China approving our entertainment. Even the PC Babies don't seem to mind, and PC Babies cry about everything. [approaches Stan] They just gotta rewrite the script before we continue shooting. Go back to your room and just write your story. It has to come from your heart.
[The Chnese tribunal, day. Mickey is making his case. He now tries to sell the Chinese on Randy's business proposal, and just like in South Park, the proposal was rejected. Mickey and Randy sit on a benvch smoking weed. Mickey is pissed off]
Mickey:It's like, it's like they didn't even wanna listen.
Randy:They didn't listen at all? But I... wuh-wuwhy not?
Mickey:It's the bear. They're still pissed off about the bear.
Randy:But for what?
Mickey:'Cause some Chinese people on the Internet starting posting pictures of their President as Winnie the Pooh. It's a real thing. Look it up. [on Tegridy] Man, this is really good shit.
Randy:What if we took their side, then? What if we showed China that ew understand how they feel to be made fun of on the Internet?
[Tegridy Farms, night. Stan is in his room working on the second act. He hears the producer's words in his mind: "Rememver: write your story. The script has to come from your heart." He begins to write, then picks up speed and smiles. He's found his groove. A Chinese censor walks up behind him and looks over his work. The censor walks some more, then turns and scribbles over the script. Stan looks up, surprised, but starts over. The consor paces behind him and stops again to scribble the script out. Stan sighs. Annoyed, Stan shields his paper and starts writing again. When he's finished, he hands the script to the censor, who finds it funny, but he reaches a part he doesn't find funny and rips the script apart. Stan sighs again and tosses the pencil aside, pulls out his laptop, and start writing the script there. The Censor looks on, then intervenes and rewrites the script. They go back and forth working on the script. After yet another edit, Stan rests his head on his left hand.]
Stan:Now I know how all the writers in Hollywood feel. [the censor laughs, then complains.]
[Beihing, day. In a Chinese bazaar, Pooh and Piglet wander freely.]
Piglet:My Goodness. China sure is a big p-p-p-p-place.
Pooh:Yes, Piglet. It is. Too big, I think, to find what I need. [turns left into a shop] Excuse me.
Merchant:Huh?
Pooh:Would you happen to have... some honey? [the merchant tells him to leave. He moves on] Oh bother. This just doesn't seem to be the place... for a bear.
Piglet:[looks right] Wait. Pooh. Loo-l-l-look, look. [Winnie looks. In the middle of an alley is a table with a jar of honey on it.]
Pooh:Ooo, piglet! What wonderful luck! [rushes to the table and starts gobbling up the honey.] What delicious honey! Mmm. I would like to share, Piglet. Perhaps... I will share. In just a few more slurps, I can. [Randy pounces up behind him and chookes him with a cable. It takes a while, but Randy gets it done. Pooh is dead.]
[South Park, day. The boys sit on the sidewalk curb]
Stan:I can't do it anymore, you guys. I can't even think with the Chinese government censoring everything I write.
Butters:Soo there's not gonna be a biopic movie for us?
Stan:It's so wrong. You know, I mean, we live in a time when the only movies us American kids go see are ones that are approved by China.
Jimmy:Yeah. It' like China is the new MPAA.
Butters:Stinks to say goodbye to all that biopic money and glory.
Stan:We just gotta face it. A death metal band is never gonna make real money anymore. The only band that would get approved by China would be all vailla and cheesy. [gets emotiional] I'm gonna have to live on that fuckig farm forever. [lowers his head and sobs quietly. Butters comforts him. The ICE bus pulls up and drops off Kyle and Cartman.]
Stan:[looks up] Kyle! Dude, you're back! [rushed up to meet him. The other boys follow.]
Cartman:Yeah, the migrant detention camp was kewl, but it kinda rubs Kyle the wrong way. [puts up hie right hand and points to it with his left]
Kyle:Anything happen while we were gone?
Stan:Not realyy. We just almost had a biopic made for our band, but ...wait a minute... [his eyes dart around as he thinks] Wait, vanilla and cheesy! I've got it. I've got it!
[Broncs, Live Aid, 1984, at Invesco Field. This is a fabrication, as the boys weren't alive back then, or they'd be men now. Jimmy walks up to the drums and starts drumming. Butters walks in playing electric guitar wand wails away. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny walk in dressed in their Fingerbang outfits]
Fingerbang:Fingerbang-bang!
Bang bang.
Fingerbang-bang!
Bangbangbang.
I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life
Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright.
'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fight
I'm goin' tuh fingerbang-bang-
Stan:Cut. Cut, cut! [the special effects disappear and the green screen in the gym is shown] This is all wrong.
Producer:No, it's good, kids! They're loving it!
Stan:Yeah, but I can't sell my sould like this. I want to get away from that farm, more than anything, but it's not worth living in a world where China coontrols my country's art. [on of the censors protests] I don't care how many people you have! I've got something in me that just won't let me be a part of all this.
Butters:Yeah! Whatever it is, I got it too!
The others:Yeah!
Stan:I wanna be proud of who we are, guys! And anybody who would be tray their ideals just to make moeny in China, isn't worth a lick of spit!
[a Chinese video, similar to the gentrification commercials of Season 19]
Narrator:Us Chinese people have always liked things the old fashioned way. We like things a little simpler, a little quieter. And now, there's a new weed that goes along with China's ... Because after a day of forced labor, or getting beaten for criticizing the government, we all can use... It's the soul of the American West, right here in modern China. All hail the Communist Party, and all hail Tegrity weed.
[Tegridy Farms, day. A tractor backs up with a load of cash and dumps it onto the entrance. then drives off. Inside, the Marshes are eating dinner. Randy is back home, but covered in Pooh blood.]
Randy:Well, gang, looks like the family business is starting to really turn the corner. I dont know about you, but I, for one, think the world is gonna be a better, and safer, place, now that China finally has Tegridy.
Stan:[notices his dad's appearnace] Dad, why are you covered in honey and blood? [Randy just looks over his appearnce] Dad? Did you kill Winnie the Pooh?
Randy:Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh- Oh, yeah, I did kill Winnie the Pooh. [Stan just gets up and leaves.] Where ae ya goin', Stan?
Stan:I'm going to go write another song about you.
Randy:Ooo, about me? Make sure it talks about me bringing Tegridy to China!
[End of Band In China.]