Episode 2204 - Let Them Eat Goo

Cast:

Cartman
Butters
Stan
Craig
Millie
Nichole
Token
Wendy
Boy
Mr. Mackey
PC Principal
Gerald Broflovski
Randy Marsh
Towelie
Tuong Lu Kim
Rancher
Clerk (H. W., Rick)
Cook
Customer
Field Reporter
Goo Man
News Anchor
Paramedic 1 and Smith


[Tegridy Farms, day. The Marshes sit at table and Randy comes in with laptop and coffee.]
Randy:Good morning, everyone. 'morning. So, listen guys. We are not in good shape. The whole "doing business in China" thing has sort of bitten us in the ass, [the projector sreen comes on.] and now we aren't selling enough weed to keep up with our costs. [turns to look at a growth chart projected on a portable screen behind him.] You see this? This right here? That's us plateauing. We no longer get any of that sweet Chinese money, and now, all the money we do make doesn't even cover our expenses. [the same chart is on the laptop he was looking at earlier] So, [turns back to the table] how do we sell more weed? Stan.
Stan:[after seceral seconds] I don't know.. Do like a sale. Like, a Fall sale?
Randy:Not good enough! Shelley?!
Shelley:I hate marijuana.
Randy:Nice attitude! How do we sell more weed? Sharon?
Sharon:If you don't make ommercials or do more parades for the town, we'd have more money.
Randy:Right. Cut out all our marketing. ta's Sharon's great idea, everyone. Towelie?
Towelie:You know what the problem is? It's the schwag. All those stands and seeds, they just go to waste, man.
Randy:Go on.
Towelie:It's like, we sell all the good parts of the weed, but we throw away, like, tons and tons of all the left-over shit. You can sell that crap as mulch to a hardware company.
Randy:Mulch. [looks at the graph] Use our discarded product to recover costs. [to the table] Everyone, great job. You just got pwened by a towel.
[The school cafeteria, lunchtime. The students stand in line to get their lunches in the kitchen.]
Cartman:[singing] It's Sloppy Joe day!
Cartman and Butters:[singing] It's Sloppy Joe day!
Cartman:I seriously think the Sloppy Joe day is my favorite day at school.
Butters:Yeah, it's the best.
Cartman and Butters:[singing] It's Sloppy Joe day! It's Sloppy Joe day!
A new Cook:Come on, keep the line moving, kids! [in view are Butters, Cartman , and Scott. Cartman notices that what he sees on his plate doesn't look like sloppy Joe.]
Cartman:What is this?
Cook:That's today's lunch. It's feesh.
Cartman:Feesh?
Butters:But, but this is sloppy Joe day.
Cook:Yeah? Well, the menu's been changed. We had kids complainin' our food wasn't healthy or sustainable enough, so don't you start bitchin' about it now.
Cartman:What kids wer complaining about health and sustainability?! What kids would care at all that- [gasps] the girls!
Butters:The girls?
Cartman:The fucking girls! [the three boys walk over to the girls' table] Excuse me?! Can someone explain to us why this [holds forth his lunch] is on our lunch trays?!
Butters:Yeah, it's supposed to be sloopy Joe day!
Wendy:We asked for healthier options and to sometimes have food for those of us who don't eat red meat.
Cartman:Oh my God. I'm about to lose my mind. [gets excited] You think you can just mess with a man's lunch?!
Butters:It's okay, Eric. I-
Cartman:You think that your ideas about health and nutrition should be somehow interfering with mine?!
Butters:Eric, Eric!
Cartman:You dictate what foods I can eat?! [convulses] Urgh [the tray falls to the floor. He stiffens up and tries to reach for anything]
Butters:Eric, Eric?
Cartman:I can't, I can't. Butters, I can't. [falls back, smacking Butters' tray on the way down. Butters' meal lands on him]
[South Park Elementary, front lawn. An ambulance waits as Cartman is being loaded up into it. The rest of the school stands around looking at this incident. Two paramedics treat him. The brunet, Smith, puts some defibrilators on and gets ready to deliver a jolt]
Paramedic 1:Clear! [the brunet delivers the jolt, then they both look at the EKG]
Smith:We got him back!
Cartman:Agh. Fuck you, Wendy.
[As Cartman is being taken to Hell's Pass Hospital, Randy drives into town with a huge load of Tegridy weed; he and Towelie share a joint. Cypress Hill plays during this segment.]
Randy:How much do you thinnk we'll get for our mulch?
Towelie:Even if we only get 10 cents a pound, we have like a million pounds of it.
Randy:This is gonna save our business. I'm really hungry all of a sudden. You want soem Burger King?
Towelie:Yeah, I'll take some onion rinigs. [Randy pulls into a parking spot and goes inside.]
[Burger King, inside. Randy steps forward to place his order]
Clerk:Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order?
Randy:Uh, hi, can I get, um, large onion rings... the big Coke Zero and, um... What's an Impossible Burger?
Clerk:It's a plant-based burger, sir.
Randy:Plant-based? You mean, it's not like a cow?
Clerk:No, sir. It's completely vegan, but it's engineered to replicate the taste and texture of beef.
Randy:Hoh. Okay, I'll try it. [hands his debit card over. The clerk turns the card through the reader and hand it back. He also hadns Randy the receipt and the burger. Randy takes a bite of the burger and savors it] Hey. This tastes like shit. You guys make money off of this?
Clerk:They're very popular, sir. A lot of people care about the environment and sustainability
Randy:Aw that, that's amazing. I mean, this seriously tastes like dog shit, and you get people to buy it? [gets an idea] Wait a minute... Plant-based... Plant... basd... Plant-based. Oh my God.
[South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallways. Cartman is in a wheelchair; Buttersdrives him around]
Butters:Comin' through! Make way! [the stop by Token, Jimmy, and Craig]
Cartman:Hey guys. How's it goin'?
Craig:Your out of the hospital?
Cartman:Yes. The girls tried to kill me, but they did not succeed. However, we cannot let the girls' protest ruin our lunch ever again!
Nichole:Oh, give me a break! [arrives from her locker] It's not just girls who wanna change the menu, it's boys too!
Boy:Yeah. I want vegan food.
Millie:A lot of students are protesting!
Cartman:Well, their protesting is ruining my lunch!
Boy:We have a right to free speech.
Cartman:Yes, we do all have freedom of speech! But at times, there are ramifications for the negative that can happen when you're not thinking about others and you're ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF!
Mr. Maackey:[arriving] Whoawhoawhoawhoa, what's goin' on, kids?
Butters:The protesters are tryin' to kill Eric again, Mr. Maackey.
Mr. Maackey:Okay, kids, we don't want another incident here, okay?
Cartman:They're trying to take people's lunch! They don't realize the harm to people financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. [begins to choke]
Mr. Maackey:Eric, it's okay. We aren't going to change the school menu, okay? Everything's fine.
Boy:That's not fair!
Nichole:Doesn't it matter we're being silened?!
Cartman:Agagagh, my lunch!
Mr. Mackey:Girls, I'm sorry, but the health of our students has to come first.
[TegridyFarms, day. Gerald shows up at the front door and knocks. Randy answers the door]
Randy:Gerald, thanks for coming! You're not gonna believe this!
Gerald:Believe what? Your text said that-
Randy:Come on come on come on. [pulls him in. Next scene is in the kitchen. They go to the table, on which sit two burgers] I think I've perfected it, Gerald. I made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat.want you to try it. [hands a burger to Gerald]
Gerald:It's a hamburger?
Randy:It's a Tegridy burger. Go ahead, try it. [Gerald takes a bite and chews it for a few seconds] Well?
Gerald:This tastes like shit.
Randy:Yeah. It's plant-based. But keep eating it, though.
Gerald:[through the chewing] I just- I just don't think it's very good.
Randy:Wait for it. Wait for it...
Gerald:[gets a small epiphany] Oh. [starts to giggle, then Randy joins in]
Randy:Yeah ha ha?
Gerald:Yeah, it's good.
Randy:Yeah, right?
Gerald:[takes another bite and chews on it] Whoa. It's really fucking good, man! This is like the best burger I've ever had!
Randy:And you can eat a lot of them and not feel bloated. Towelie's had like 12. [points to Towelie, who's reclining against a cabinet eating a Tegridy burger.]
Towelie:Best burgers I ever had.
[The school cafeteria, lunch. Cartman is back a table with the other boys, and they're all eating barbecue ribs with corn on the cob and cole slaw. Cartman is still in his hospital gown, which means his back side is exposed. He's also wearing the hospital bracelet]
Cartman:[savoring them ribs] Ohm... oh my God. School cafeteria ribs. After all that yogurt and crap they gave me at the hospital? OHM.
Butters:I looove barbecue rib day.
Cartman:Yeah. I think maybe I like rib day even more than sloppy Joe day. It is a difficult choice.
Wendy:Everyone? Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [the students all stop eating and look at her] Look, buys. We're supposed to be the young generation, right? We're the ones upset about the world our parents left us.
Nichole:Yeah, but eating this kind of food makes us all just as guilty.
Wendy:The millions and millions of cows and pigs and chickens that we harvest [Cartman begins to tremble in anger]/i> are a huge reason for climate change.
Nichole:It is up to us, as students, to protest for change.
Boy:Young voices matter!
Wendy:Without sustainable and ethical food choices now, we're proving to be no d-
Cartman:[leaves the table] AAAH! GAAAH! [in the middle of the cafeteria, to Wendy] CAN PLEASE JUST ENJOY MY LUNCH FOR GIVE GODDAMNED MINUTES?!
Butters:You gotta calm down, Eric. Remember your condition, Eric.
Cartman:We all have freedom of speech, but stop tallking about climate change DURING LUNCH TIME!
Butters:Okay. that's it, Eric.
Cartman:Some of us can just enjoy some simple Goddamned barbecue ribs! And I- Daah! [stiffens up as anger overtakes him] Oh God, they did it again to me, Butters.
Butters:Eric!
Cartman:I thnk this is the Big One! Don't let me die.
Butters:Somebody help!
Cartman:Don't let me die. Don't let me die, Butters. [drops on his back.]
[South Park Elementary, front lawn. An ambulance waits as Cartman is being loaded up into it. The rest of the school stands around looking at this incident. Two paramedics treat him. The brunet, Smith, puts some defibrilators on and gets ready to deliver a jolt]
Paramedic 1:Clear! [the brunet delivers the jolt, then they both look at the EKG]
Smith:We got him back!
Cartman:Agh. Fuck you, Wendy.
[Burger King, day, inside. A mother and son are at the counter]
Clerk:So that's one Whopper, one order of chicken strings, and a medium beverage. Is there ahy-? [stops when he hears someone outside]
Randy:[outside] Burgers! Get your burgers here!
Clerk:Uh okay, that'll be fift-
Randy:Plant-based burgers for sale!
Clerk:Excuse me one moment. [leaves the counter]
[Burger King, day, outside. Randy has his burger stand up, selling $5 burgers that are all natural, plant based, and locally made]
Randy:Get your hanburgers here! [a crowd begins to form] Plant-based burgers for sale!
Clerk:[now outside] Hey, what are you doing??
Randy:I'm sellin' hamburgers. All-natural, completely plant-based. [a customer pays up and gets his burgr] Thank you, sir.
Clerk:You can't sell hamburgers here! This is a Burger King!
Towelie:You sell hamburgers here.
Randy:Yeah, you sell hamburgers here.
Customer:This is seriously as good or better than a real hamburger. Can I get a couple more to take to work?
Clerk:Hey! Now look, buddy! I'm not gonna lose customers because of YOU! [walks onto the parking lot] We have plant-based hamburgers inside as well! Come try our Impossible Burger.
Randy:Tegridy Burger. Made locally right here in South Park. Tegridy Burger.
Clerk:STOP that!
[The school gym, day. PC Principal holds a student assembly]
PC Principal:Alright everyone, listen up! As you know, there are several students protesting the school menu. But there are other students who are voicng their concerns against changes. Eric Cartman is still recovering in the hospital, we all wish him well. [clears his throeat] Now, the school has been looking into several options to deal with the problem, andn I do believe we have found a compromise. We have found a new company in the plant-based fast-food industry who would like to be the supplier for our cafeteria. And so please welcome the founder of Incredible Meat. [steps aside and claps for the founder, who steps in]
Incredible Meat founder:Hello, children. I want to thank you and I want to thank your fine principal for hearing me out. I take plants, and I process them into goo. I'm a goo man. I have factories all over the country. I have trucks right now thta are loaded with goo that can be here within the week. The goo I speak of can be made into anything. It can be made into tacos. It can be made into hot dogs. And I promise you that none of you students will know the difference. I would very much like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your school. I would like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your town. I'm a simple family man and a vegetarian. I would like the opportunity to make you all vegetarians as well, and I thank you.
[Park County Community Center, day. Randy stands at the podium reading from index cards]
Randy:Eatiing meat doesn't just hurt animals. It hurts people. It takes 13 pounds of grain to produce just one pound of animal meat. All that plant food could be used much more efficiently if-m, if people just ate it directly. Meat is also not environmentally frirendly. Meat production is wasteful and causes enormous amounts of pollution. Andn the meat industry is one of the biggest... [after a few seconds, the camera finds him drifting away from the podium, Tegridy Burger in one hand, index cards in the other] ...Huh? Oh, I was just saying... [turns and walks back to the podium] that adopting a vegan diet is way more effective than switching to a greener car in the fight against climate change. For your health, for our planet, for the animals and for each other, we have to switch to plant-based foods. Now, it just so happens-
[Burger King, day. The clerk is all alone now, having lost all his business to... He hears music outside and walks towards it]
Clerk:You gotta be kidding me!
[...Tegridy Burger. Randy's hamburger stand is now a full-fledge fast-food restaurant]
Randy:[through the PA system] It's our Grand Opening! Come and visit your town's only plant-based burger joint!
Clerk:It's not the town's only plant-based burger joint! [goes back to Burger King. Tegridy Burger is humming with activity]
Randy:Celebrate our Grand Opening! Tegridy Burger! Cheeba cheeba. Cheeba cheeba.
[The school cafeteria, day. Token is at the entrance on the lookout]
Token:Here he comes. [two seconds later, Cartman enters the cafeteria using a walker. He's in his hospital gown. He sees all the other students staring at him. He turns right and goes to the kitchen]
Cartman:[walks past Mr. Mackey] Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey:[nervously] Wuhuhuhu... hello, Eric.
Cartman:[stands in line behind Butters] What's goin' on, Butters? It's taco Tuesday. [the line moves forward]
Butters:[weakly] It's taco Tuesday... [turns and walks forward. He gets his lunch, looks back at Eric, and heads for the boys table]
Cartman:[] These tacos look different. What kind are they?
Cook:They're... Incredible Beef.. tacos.
Cartman:Oh, Incredible Beef tacos. That sounds nice. [takes his tray and heads back to the cafeteria, where he again sees the students stare at him. He joins the other boys at table. He looks around and the other students turn back to their meals. Nobody is talking. Cartman bites a taco and his friends look on. After 25 seconds...] Did you guys see that new Joker movie?
Mr. Mackey:Whoa, uh, thank God it worked.
[City Wok day. The goo man stands outside the restaurant and looks it over, then goes inside.]
Mr. Kim:Welcome City Wok. I take a order prease.
Goo Man:Are you the owner of this reastaurant?
Mr. Kim:Yes. I take a order prease.
Goo Man:I'd like to do business with you. Your establishment here is perfect for my plant-based meats. You see, I am a goo man. If you carry my product, Incredible Meats, we can put the word Incredible before all of your dishes.
Mr. Kim:You mean instead of City Chicken I could have Incedible City Chicken?
Goo Man:That is correct.
Mr. Kim:You mean instead of City Mongorian Beef I could have Incedibly City Mongorian Beef?
Goo Man:That's right.
Mr. Kim:You're saying now I could have scallops with Incredibly City XO sauce?! Okay, sign me up!
Goo Man:That is most excellent. [gets out a pad and pen] Now, how many customers. on avarage, do you have per day?
Mr. Kim:Including my wife? Uh, 0 to 1 per day.
Goo Man:[stunned] That's it?
Mr. Kim:Yeah, I got no customers now that Tegridy Burger opened up. Evernyone want plant-based food now. That why I'm ready you sign me up.
Goo Man:What is Tegridy Burgre?
Mr. Kim:Yeah, here you look. Down the block. [they walk to a window and look out] Most popular place in town. [they look at the place for a few seconds]>/i>
Goo Man:Is that so?! [makes his way to the entrance and leaves]
Mr. Kim:Hey! [follows him out] Hey, what about my incredibly City chicken?
[Tegridy Farms, day. A farmer knocks on Randy's door. Randy answers it]
Rancher:What'r you dooin' you sonofabitch?
Randy:Excuse me?
Rancher:I'm the biggest cattle rancher in South Park. I made ma livin' 62-odd years before you fancy plant growers done showed up and out me out of a job!
Randy:Well I'm sorry, Mr. Cow Killer, but this is called "evolutino."
Rancher:I got 300 cows that the world suddenly decided they got no use fer! What am I supposed to do with them?! Put them in a zoo?! What they gonna do now? Go start some cow circus?! Go make some cow TV show?! You are singlehandedly making cows extinct! You got a plan for 'em all? Fine! [turns tod whistls to his cattle] Come on! [cows emerge from the field and gather outside the front door.] Come on! Yeah, come on! Mr. Plant-based Burgers here is gonna take care of you now! [makes his way through the herd in order to leave] Yeah, don't worry. He cares about the environment, so he could figure out what to do with you.
Randy:Uh ho, hehey, fuck you!
Rancher:No, fuck you, sumbitch! They're your problem now!
[Sssssouth Park Elementary, 4th Grade. The students are in their seats, but Mrs. Nelson is seated, hunched over a Tegridy Burger, unable to take another bite but making an effort to.]
Butters:...Teacher? [she lifts up a finger and mumbles a bit. The lunch bell rings]
Cartman:Lunchtime! [nothing was taught this morning]
[The school cafeteria, lunch. The students stream in as Mr. Mackey keeps watch]
Mr. Mackey:Walk, don't run, m'kay?
Cartman:Hey Butters! [Butters stops, a bit unnerved] Wait up, dude. You know what today is, right? It's Salisbury Steak day! Salisbury Steak day!
Both:It's Salis-
Butters:[flatly] -bury Steak day [looks dejected]
Cartman:Butters, is something going on? Your lunch dances aren't the same.
Butters:Eric, I. I just hate lying to you. I mean, you've been in the hospital. Twice. I geel guilty.
Cartman:Guilty... about what?
Butters:It's those lunches, Eric. It's... Incredible Meat.
Cartman:Yes, I think it's pretty good.
Butters:No, Eric. See, ther was this guy. He a goo man.
Cartman:The fuck is a goo man?
[Tegridy Farms, day. The cows are still milling around eating the weeed. Some of them poop as they walk. Randy is in his tractor driving around.]
Randy:[comes across a cow] Go on! shoo! Hey! Goddamnit! [some time later, he's talking to Towelie] I don't know what we're gonna do. These cows are eating all our weed and they're shitting everywhere. They're gonna put us completely out of business!
Towelie:Did you find anyone else to take 'en?
Randy:Nobody wants cows anymore! They're bad for climate change! [takes a quick look around] We gotta kill them.
Towelie:What?
Randy:They're ruining our burger business! We gotta kill all these cows!
Towelie:How are we gonna do that?
Randy:Look, it's not gonna be easy. It's not somethin' anyone wants to do, but.. we're just gonna have to get really, really high.
[And that's just what happens. Randy and Towelie grill up a lot of Tegridy burgers, eat them, and dance in the barn. Then they bring out the guns. They spend the rest of the day and part of the night killing cwos off...]
Randy:Yea-heh-heah!
[...dance some more, and beat the rest to death when their guns when they run out of bullets]
Towelie:[riding a cow] Yeehaw! [shoots the cow in the head and they both fall to the ground]
[Burger King, night. The restaurant is closed, but the goo man is in there with Butters and Cartman]
Goo Man:I've been in your town a little whle now. What I see is a community that is ready for change. You see, I am a goo man. What I serve in your school cafeteria is synthetically -modulated plant protein. I've taken over nearly all the fast food restaurants here in town and teamed up with the fine people in your community. This is my new regional manager, H.W.
Clerk:It's Rick.
Goo Man:Shut up, H.W. You see, I'm trying to reach all the cafeterias. All the stadiums, fast-food restaurants, all the places that serve shitty food and serve shitty goo. The goo for these kinds of places is made in a factory. [an Incredible Meats factory is shown] It's made in a lab. [shown] It's just... downmarket goo. [the goo comes down a chute unto a converyor belt] But I can tell people it's healthy and earth-friendly, and I can send my goo through a network of pipes running all the way to the ocean, so that it can be eaten by people who eat crappy food anyway, from coast to coast.
Cartman:And that's what we have for school lunch now? That's what all the kids decided on when I wasn't there?
Goo Man:But you see, it doesn't work until I own ALL the crappy food places. Mr. Rancher?
Rancher:Yes, yes sir, Mr. Goo Man?
Goo Man:Have you done what I've asked you to do?
Rancher:It's all done, sir. You have everything you need.
Goo Man:Well if you don't mind, boys, I have work to tend to.
Cartman:Me too. I need to have a word with the students at my school. [gets up and leaves the table]
Butters:Oh God, Eric! what are you gonna do?! [follows him away]
[News 4 segment]
News Anchor:It has become the most popular burger in Colorado. The plant-based Tegridy Burger is changing the way people think about food.
Field Reporter:Al over the state, peopel are turning vegan and eating more ethical, sustainable meat. [the camera shows Tegridy Burger eaters in various states of stupor, hunched over their burgers, sleeping on the ground, walking slowly, driving slowly and stupping randomly] I'm standing now with Randy Marsh, the owner of Tegridy Burger [Randy waves at the camera], and Mr. Marsh, you must be pretty excited. [a crowd behind him across the street begins to cheer him on, and he looks over his shoulder at it]
Randy:Yeah-ha, you know, we're all just... [looks at the camera] we're all just bein' healthy and ethical out here.
Field Reporter:Uh huh. And Mr. Marsh, what about the STUDENT PROTEST COMING OUT AGAINST YOUR BURGER RIGHT NOW??
Randy:Huh?
Field Reporter:Students are coming forward saying that Tegridy Farms is unethical and hypocritical! [Rick shows up dressed as a college student in a blond wig]
Rick:That's right! Tegridy Burger is a fraud! We caught their farm on camera! Just take a look!
Field Reporter:We warn you, the following footage is graphic. [the cow massacre has been filmed without Randy's or Towelie's knowledge. Boos rise up from the crowd, and its displeasure is shown. The reporter hurries along] Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say about these images?
Randy:[being pelted with food] Ohhh, heeyy. Fuck you! Oh they were- They were just- We didn't eat 'em.
[The school cafeteria, lunch time. The kids are headed to their tables when the main doors open and Cartman walks in wearing his hospital gown. He's moved frm walker to cane]
Cartman:Hey guys. Looks like I almost missed lunch.
Butters:Oh Christ, soneone's gonna die.
Cartman:I found out about what we're eating here at the shewl. I found out what it's made of, and where.
Mr. Mackey:[rushes up] Uh, now Eric, stay calm, okay? We're sorry. We were just trying to find a compromise. Now just be calm.
Cartman:What are you sorry about? It's me who owe all you guys an apology. [the kids are puzzled] I thought you guys were trying to force me to eat healthy but, I've learned that a lot of this stuff is made in a factory and processed with tons of salt, just like all my favorite foods. Spaghetti-O's, Rice-A-Roni? Here I was thinking what you wanted was stuff from a farmer's market. I just didn't want my food to change. School cafeteria meat is processed crap that comes in a box, and this is... just processed crap that comes in a box. I don't have a problem with it. All I wanted was to be able to eat the same garbage I walways have and, this is definitely garbage. And hey, if it happens to be more sustainable and ethical, well, I guess I'm fine with that too. So you see, guys. There was actually no reason to protest. We were actually all on the same page all the time. At least we learned that freedom of speech truly doesn't matter. Come on, let's eat! It's processed meat-like sausage day! It's processed meat-like sausage day!
[End of Let Them Eat Goo.]