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Episode 2305 - Tegridy Farms Halloween Special


PC Principal
Mr. Mackey
Randy, Sharon, and Shelley Marsh
Stephen Stotch
Det. Harris
Officer Stevens
Officer Brown
Guest 1
Guest 2

The theme song footage now has Halloween decorations all over the fields and farmhouse. Most notable is Randy wearing a Xi Jinping mask, and some of the Jack O'Lanterns with marijuana leaves carved into them.

[Tegridy Farms, day. The farm is decked out for Halloween. In the living room, Randy brings out more Halloween decorations. Sharon is working on her laptop, Stan is busy on his phone]
Randy:[dances in with a Jack O'Lantern] It's the most wonderful time of the year. [puts it on the table] Well? You all excited, gang?
Stan:For Halloween? I guess so.
Randy:Ugh, this isn't any Halloween, because this week, Tegridy Weed is doing a Halloween special. It's big promotional thing. Everyone's gonna love it. Hey, wuh-where's Shelley?
Sharon:Shelley hasn't come out of her room in two days.
Sharon:[angrily] You know why, Randy.
Randy:[Sighs] Yeah. Yeah. [Sharon glances at him]
[Shelley's room, later. Her door is open, and Randy walks in]
Randy:Hey, Shelley? Can I talk to you for a minute?
Shelley:What do you want?
Randy:Come on, kiddo. [sits on her bed and motions for her to sit next to him] Come talk with your old man, huh? Coem on now. [Shelley leaves ehr desk to sit on the bed] Shelley, we need to talk about your marijuana problem. You know, what's your problem with it?
Shelley:I hate marijuana!
Randy:Yes, we all know, but ugh, why?
Shelley:It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are!
Randy:Shelley, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed. Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed?
Shelley:Yes, everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pothead!
Randy:Ugh, way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world?
Shelley:Serena Williams
Randy:Total stoner. High as a kite. Every tennis match.
Shelley:No she's not!
Randy:You don't know that, Shelley! Now you're just making assumptions!
Shelley:Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish Marijuana was illegal again!
Randy:[gasps and stands up] Shelley! [begins to pace the room] Okay, loook. The thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana? It's just got to stop, okay? We're working on out Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay?? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it! I love you! [leaves and closes the door]
[The Egyptian Artifact exhibit at the Denver Museum, day. A shadow appars, followed by the person casting it: Butters]
Butters:[looks around] Whoa. Very impressive. [strokes his chin] Indeed. [walks up to a plaque nad readsit with a loupe]
Stephen:[lookin gon with Linda] Find anything good, Butters/
Butters:One minute, Dad! Archeologist Butters just needs to get his stamo and sticker for his autograph book. [gets a sticker of Baster and a stamp] Aha! another rare find!
Stephen:Well, did you all enjoy the museum, gang?
Butters:Well wait wait, we can't leave yet! I got all the stickers and tamps except for one!
Stephen:Well I'm pretty sure we saw the whole exhibit.
Butters:Can I just check around one last time?
Stephen:Alright, Archeologist Butters, but then meet us back right here.
Butters:Well o-kay!
[An Egyptian funeral ship. A guide is explaining its varioys aspects]
Guide:What you're seeing here are original knots which were joined in the main pieces of the Khufu boat. The cedar timbers of the boat's hull were lashed together with hemp rope, a technique used until-
Randy:Whoa! Whoa! Wait just one second! Are you actually saying that hemp, a classification of cannabis [Shelley looks at him], was actually used by he ancient Egyptians? [strikes a pondering pose]
Shelley:Well yes. In fact, it's been found that cannabis was used by Egyptians for its medical properties as well.
Randy:Hold the freaking phone! You're telling us that marijuana has been used throughout the centuries-?
Shelley:Is this why you brought me here?
Randy:No, I d-, I'm just, I'm surprised that-
Shelley:You said you wanted a special day with just your daughter. You said a father-daughter day at the museum could help us connect.
Randy:And, and it is, Shelley. We're havin' a great time!
Shelley:I don't care if Egyptians used stupid pot! [runs off in anger]
Randy:[noticing the stares, stands up] She has a marijuana problem. Shelley! [runs after her]
[The Egyptian Artifact exhibit, at the same time. Butters retraces his steps]
Butters:Been there... Saw that... Where's that stupid last sticker stamp? [sees a hallway he missed earlier] What's this? [he sees something ahead of him that excites him and runs to it. The sarcophagus of Took-tan Ra]
Butters:Whoa... [gets to the exhibit and reads through his loupe] "Sarcophagus and mummified remains of Egyptian royalty." This is it! My last sticker! [gets ready to stamp his sticker book...]
Jud:[interrupting] That's the mummy of Took-tan Ra. You don't wanna put that stamp in your sticker book. Nobody puts that stamp in their sticker book.
Butters:But this is my last one!
Jud:It's got a curse on it. Ancient love cure not fit for any child. You can look at the mummy all you like, but... you don't want that stamp... in your sticker book.
Butters:[looks at his sticker book] Haha, that's okay. I'm no ordinary child. I am Archeologist Butters! [stamps his sticker book and runs off happily. He doesn't motice the brief glow the stamp gives off] Happy Halloween, Mister!
Jud:[watching him go] For some of us, maybe.
[Tegrisy Farms, day. In the barn, Randy paces back and forth while talking to Towelie.]
Randy:It's just so hard being a parent sometimes, you know? I've tried everything to get through to my daughter. I took her to a laser show, I played her all of Dark Side Of The Moon, but... it's like... it's like there's something in her head that just doesn't get it!
Towelie:That's awful, Randy. I'm sorry.
Randy:It's just- I have to live my life, you know? I can't let her problems with marijuana drag me down anymore.
Towelie:No, you're right You're toally right.
Randy:So, anyway, hey. How's the Halloween Special comin' along?
Towelie:The Halloween Special? Oh it's ready.
Randy:It's ready?
Towelie:Yeah, it's right over here. [shows Randy the way to the new plants]
Randy:O-ho wow! The Halloween Special! I'm so excited to try it.
Towelie:Yeah, it's basically a hybrid of our Tegridy Gold and Colorado Kush. Turned out really great, I think.
Randy:[inhales the aroma] Oh, wow, that is nice! I'd like to see anyone compete with this Halloween Special.
[Butters' house, night. He's asleep in his bedroom, on his right side. He flips over to his left side, and the stamp begins to glow. Something goes thump and Butters sits up, wide awake. He hears a knock]
Butters:M-Mon? [two knocks] ...Dad? [the door bursts open and a mummy walks in. Butters screams as the mummy trashes the room. The mummy then grabs Butters... and hugs him. Butters calms down] A lttle... Why. Oh. Okay. Oh. Okay. Okay. Oh that's okay. [softly] That's okay. There you go. [the mummy lets go and sits on the bed next to him, presenting him with a gift] Form, for me? Oh, thank you. [takes the gift and opens it] Oh wow! A Fitbit! [the mummy murmurs something] Why thank you. Thank you. I... actually already have a Fitbit, but I could-
Butters:I could give this one to a friend. [the mummy growls and stands up angrily] I just... I have one, so... [the mummy goes into a rage and finishes trashing the room, then just turns around and leaves]
[Tegridy Farms, kitchen, night. Shelley is cooking up a strange brew on a hot plate in her room.]
Shelley:Furniture polish, paint thinner and bleach.
Ammonia and antifreeze. One tablespoon each.
I hate everybody, I just like to read.
Everyone's stupid. They smoke too much weed.
So with this eldritch potion and these ancient words
I make my revenge upon all the turds.
[she adds a lot more bleach and coninutes to stir]
[Butters' house, day. He's eating Frankenberry cereal breakfast in the kitchen when he hears two knocks and gets alarmed. He leaves the kitchen to go to the front door. He opens the door and two officers stand outside]
Officer Brown:Butters Stotch?
Butters:Yes sir?
Officer Brown:We want to ask ou some questions about what happened in town last night.
Butters:what... happened in town?
Officer:People were attacked by an ancient Egyptian mummy. It killed five people and destroyed everything it could.
Butters:[nervous] Oh, uh, a mummy, huh? That's, that's weird.
Officer Brown:Oh, you just think that's weird? Because the mummy said you two got in some kind of altercation last night.
Butters:What?? The mummy talked to you??
Officer:Is it true, sir, that you and the mummy [reads his report] "got into an argument over a gift you didn't seem to appreciate"?
Butters:There was no argument. I just said I already had it and I'd give it to a friend.
Officer Brown:A present that the mummy got for you?
Butters:I, I just goh-
Officer Brown:You can see how that could be pretty hurtful.
Officer:Did you throw the mummy out of your house?
Butters:No! I didn't throw the mummy out of the house! The mummy got all pissed off at me and left! [the officers look at each other, and Brown whips out his own notepad and starts writing]
Officer Brown:You're gonna have to share in the damages here, son.
Butters:But I didn't do anything wrong! Okay, look officers, I think [cups his hands together nervously] I'm under some kind of curse.
Officer:Well that's what the mummy told us about you.
Officer Brown:You got a summons to appear in court. Until then I just suggest you and the mummy stay away from each other. [rips out the ticket citation and plants it on Butters' forehead]
[Tegridy Farms, barn, day. Randy and Towelie are sampling their newest hybrid.]
Randy:Oh, man, I really like it.
Towelie:Yeah, it's smooth.
Randy:It's really smooth. This is so good that we shold stop smoking it right now. We don't want to ruin our Halloween experience, you know? [Shelley walks in with her eldritch potion, unseen] This is serioudly gonna be the best Halloween ever. [she chucks the potion all over the Halloween Special, causing Randy and Towelie to turn to see what hapened. Many of the plants suffer chemical burns. Randy gets alarmed] AAAAAAA! SHELLEY!
Shelley:That's what I thnk of your stupid special! [walks away and Randy races for the plants]
Randy:No! Nooo!!
[South Park Elementary gymnasium, day. Mr. Mackey has another assembly, this time over appropriate halloween costumes.]
PC Principal:Alright everyone, listen up. Halloween has almost arrived and I wanna make sure that we are all aware of certain guidelines when it comes to Halloween costumes at school. Now, I don't wanna see any FUCKING SOMBREROS! Alright, if I see any fucking Mexican sombreros, or anyone fucking dressed like a fucking Native American, I'm gonna lose my fuckin' shit! There will be no hobos, or bums, anything depicting people from low-income households.
Cartman:Ahp, no Halloween for you, Kenny.
PC Principal:And lastly, heed my fuckin' words. If I see any of you girls dressed as fucking Moana, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind! Alright now, the student book fair is coming up next week. We encourage all students to be able to- [crasing sounds herald the mummy's arrival. It crashes through the double doors and stomps across the floor. The students flee in all directions. The mummy grabs students at random and throws them all over the place]
[South Park Elementary, Counselor's Office, moments later. Butters faces Mr. Mackey.]
Butters:...and that's all that happened. I put that stamp in the sticker book, and now this mummy is destroy8ng everything around me. I need help.
Mr. Mackey:Okay. An-and do you feel like maybe the mummy is trying to, you know, get you to react?
Butters:Wuh-what, what do you mean?
Mr. Mackey:Well, you know, Butters, the mummy feels like you get to do whatever you want, but it doesn't get to do whatever it wants.
Butters:Wait. The mummy talked to you, too?
Mr. Mackey:Yeah, yeah, we had a good talk, yeah.
Butters:Why is it talking to everyone?!
Mr. Mackey:I think the mummy is very insightful and cares about you a lot.
Butters:No it doesn't! This is crazy!
Mr. Mackey:Look, the mummy's just sad because you get to go to school and have fun, and what does the mummy get to do? You know, it just sits around being a mummy. You know, that's not fair.
Butters:First of all, I don't have fun at school! And secondly... the mummy can do whatever it wants; I don't care!
Mr. Mackey:Right, but you do care, Butters, because you're sitting in my office tallking all about the bad things that the mummy does.
[Tegridy Farms, day. Randy sits in his wooden swing and looks at one of the tickets he had made for his Halloween Special weed. He sighs.]
Towelie:[appears in the yard behind him] Randy, quick! You gotta come see!
Randy:I just need some time, okay, Towelie?
Towelie:Look! You don't understand! The special! Well, it's a miracle! [leaves. Randy gets up to follow him] Come on! You're not gonna believe it! [they head for the barn]
[The barn. They step inside]
Randy:Alright, Towelie, what is this ab-? Whoa! [the Halloween Special has overgrown and taken root all over the barn] The Hallowen Special!
Towelie:Whatever your daughter threw on this shit made it more powerful than ever!
Randy:[jumps for joy] Yeah! We're back!
Randy:Yeah! Yeah!
[A restaurant, day. Butters is enjoying drinks with the main four and Token.]
Butters:I have to end this curse, fellas. It's gettin worse every day. Last ngith the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [sure enough, there are several selfies of the mummy - in a park, in bed, working out - on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy!
Stan:Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.
Butters:[jaw drops, then] It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?!
Kyle:We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent.
Cartman:Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes.
Butters:I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' "Hey, what are you doin'?" Like it knows.
Token:Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you?
Butters:Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside their window and throws its arms at it three times. The boys are spooked for a bit, then calm down] Oh, gosh darnit. [leaves the table] Hang on a second, fellas. [the mummy's eyes follow him]
[Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is putting new labels on jars of Tegridy Weed and humming, then placing them on a table by the front door]
Randy:Okay, that should be enough Halloween Special for the first few people [there are some 84 jars on the table] Now, I think we should put the open bar in this area [screen left] and the hot tub maybe right here [screen right. Shelley walks in wearing a backpack].
Towelie:Yeah, that'll work well.
Shelley:Dad, you have to drive me to the book fair.
Randy:What what? [chuckles]
Shelley:Mom said you have to drive me because she's taking Stan trick-or-treating.
Randy:[skeptical] You're going to a book fair?
Randy:On fucking Halloweed?
Randy:[squeezes his face] I don't even know how to deal with you anymore. [gets in her face] You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?!
Shelley:[moves to the front door] You're my dad, drive me to the book fair!
Randy:I will not! I have things to get ready, and nobody cares about books on Halloween, Shelley!
Shelley:The last thing people in this town need is more marijuana! [kicks the legs out from under the table, and the jats crash onto the floor, shattering. She leaves]
Randy:OH MY GOD! [kneels next to his ruined product]
[Park County Police Station. Randy is talking to Det. Harris, with Shelley beside him]
Randy:[sobbing] It's a nightmare! It's a personal hell! I've done everything I can, as a father, to help he with her problem, but she just ignores everything I say! I can't do this!
Shelley:You're such a piece of shit, Dad!
Randy:Oh, Shelley, I love you!
Det. Harris:What does her mother have to say about this?
Randy:Her mother doesn't say anything anymore! Whenever I bring up our daughter's marijuana problem, my wife says "I'm gonna lose my mind if you bring this up again." It's destroying all of us! I just think, maybe a night in jail is the wakeup call that she needs. I'm barely gonna have fun at the Halloween Special now! It's gonna be really hard for me to rage knowing you're in here, Shelley. It's gonna be really hard for me to rage! [an officer takes Shelley to a jail cell nearby, then opens it for her]
Officer Brown:Alrght, there you go. [Shelley goes in and turns around] When you have a problem with drugs and alcohol, you hurt everyone around you. Happy Halloween. [slides the door shut]
Butters:What are you in for? I'm in here because *apparently* I'm a passive-aggressive controlling and manipulative psychopath whose marcissitic behavior drives other people crazy.
[Tegridy Farms, night. The Halloween special is undreway. Klieg lights shine their beams into the sky. MC Hammer's "Turn This Mutha Out" pumps through the loudspeakers. The living room is filing with people]
Guest 1:Hey, trick or treat. We're here for the Halloween Special?
Towelie:All right, here you go, guys. [hands him a jar of Halloween Special] That's a promotional gift from Tegridy Farms.
Randy:Hey, come on in, guys! There's candy and hot dogs!
Guest 2:Alright. [Towelie hands him a jar as well]
Randy:Samplers of the special are there on the table, guys. Feel free to light up!
Towelie:Wow, we're almost out, Randy. I gotta go to the barn and get some more.
Randy:Okay, I'll hold down the fort. [Towelie leaves]
[Tegridy Farms, outside. Towelie walks through the field to the barn]
Towelie:Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack- [stops] Uh, what? [a bright light shines through all the windows on the barn as the Halloween Special has spread to the exterior walls of the barn]
[Park County Police Station, night]
Butters:So I said, "Okay, fine. You don't ever do anything wrong! It's aaall me! You've got no problems, only I have problems! Alright, uh I'll lock my own ass up! Then we'll see who's got issues!"
Shelley:Well you SHUT UP?
Butters:I'll be in here, and somethingn will go horribly wrong tonight, and then the monster will have to accept what it is, and finally work on changing, right?
Shelley:Probably not.
[Tegridy Farms, the Halloween Special event. Randy is talking to one of the guests in the hot tub]
Randy:Naw, you see, flivial geomorphology deals with the way rivers change over time. It's geology shit. It's why I got out of it, really.
Guest 2:Hey man, what's in this weed? [guests around him are blutching their bellies]
Randy:Oh! That's a company secret, my friend!
Guest 1:No, I meant I- I don't feel so good. [begins to gargle and growl]
Randy:Hey, are you alright there, buddy? [marijuana seems to sprout on the guest's body and turned him into a zombie. He turns around and growls at Randy] Whoa, dude, did you see that?! [looks over at his guest, who now, too, looks zombified. Randy jumps out of the hot tub when he notices all his guests looking like zombies, puts on a towel and runs outside]
[The marijuana field. Randy and Towelie run into each other]
Randy:Towelie! There's something wrong with thte special!
Towelie:There's somethin' in the barn! The thing you killed! It wants ervenge! [they head for the barn, and Randy sees it glowing like Towelie did before]
Randy:Oh Jesus! What happened?! [goes inside while Towelie waits outside]
Towelie:It's deda because o'you! And now it wants your soul!
Randy:[faces him] What?! What's dead becuase o'me?! [a shadow rises up and Randy notices: it's Winnie the Pooh clutching his intestines]
Pooh:[cocks his head to one side] Oh, hello there. Would you like to die?
Randy:[runs out] Ooooohh! Winnie the Pooh! Winnie the Pooh!
[Park County Police Station, night. An officer runs in]
Officer Brown:Detective Harris! Someting's going down at the Marsh farm!
Officer:Calm down, sir! I can't understand you!
Det. Harris:Put him on speaker. [the officer switches from earpiece to speaker]
Randy:There's monsters everywhere! It's some kind of curse! Unspeakable evil!
Butters:[listening from his cell] The mummy! I told you!
Randy:All different kindds of monsters! Zombies and plant people and bears! Oh my God! What's that?! Oh my God, it's Harvey Weinstein! He's got me! You've got to-augh! He's inside me! Harvey Weinstein is inside me! You've gotta send help! People are dying everywhere! No! Harvey, I said no! Please, somebody co- [the connection is cut]
Det. Harris:This is it, everyone! Let's move! All hands on deck! We've gotta take these monsters down! [all the officers rush out. Yakes returns]/i> Bring the kid who manipulates the mummy with his passive-aggressive serlfishness! [an officer opens the jail cell, and Butters and Shelley walk out]
[Tegridy Farms, night. The Special event is still in full swing as the police pull up to the entrance. The officers leave their cruisers and jump into position with their rifles. An officer brings out a bazooka]
Det. Harris:Alright, men, let's take thee monsters out!
Shelley:[intervenes] No, just hold on a second! I'll take care of this. [walks to the house. Meanwhile, out back, Randy and Towelie are still running, but are stopped by the cose they slaughtered in "Let Them Eat Goo."] Oh God, it's the cows we killed!
Pooh:Oh. I'm really going to enjoy eating your brains. [leaps up to Randy's head and starts gnawing on it.]
Randy:Get 'im off of me! Get 'im off of me! Oh my God! Get 'im off of me! [In her bedroom, Shelley is cooking up an antidote. She hears Randy and Towelie screaming and goes to look out the window] Waugh! Get 'im off of me!
Both:Help! Somebody help us! Get them off of me! Waugh! [she sees them flailing about, but with no cows, bears, or other monsters around them. They are hallucinating]
Both:Somebody help us!
Towelie:Somebody help us!
Randy:Get 'im off of me! Augh! We gotta fight them, Towelie!
Towelie:Help! sombody help us!
Towelie:I wanna live! Get them of of me! Help! sombody help us!
Randy:We're going to live! We're going to live! [Shelley goes back to her pot and continues brewing] Help! Waugh, get him off of me! Get him off of me! You monsters! Go back to hell! [they begin to babble, and Randy punches the air] There's too many of 'em! [looks off to his left] Oh! What is, What is that?! [a blurry Shelley runs up to him with her pot] Oh! No! [she drenches him with her potion and he goes limp. He murmurs a fewwwww syllables and falls over]
[Tebridy Farms, entrance.]
Det. Harris:Alright, that's it everyone! Nothin' to see here. Just some people who are really, really high.
Officers:[let down] Aawwwwwwww.
Officer Stevens:I can't shoot anyone?
Det. Harris:[walks up to Butters] You were so convinced the mummy was to blame for everyting, weren't you? So convinced you made us all believe it too.
Butters:I'm... [cups his hands together] I'm sorry?
Det. Harris:Yeah, well it's not us really need to be sorry to. [looks over Butters' head at something. Butters follows his gaze amd sees tje mummy standing at the farm's entrance.] Let's see if you even have a shred of decency to apologize when something is clearly your fault. [Butters walks to the mummy]
Butters:I'm so sorry. You're right. I can be selfish and narcissistic. Ah I'm gonna work on myyself and... and try to make this curse work somehow. [the mummy rreaches into a back pocket and gives Butters a parting present, sighs, and walks over to a red car, opens the trunk, packs his suitcase, closes the trunk, gets into the driver's seat, puts on some sunglasses, and drives away. Butters open sthe present and reads the letter inside, which is just Egyptian hieroglyphics]
Officer Brown:[looks over Butters' shoulder] It says, "I hope you can get the help you need. I can't fix you"
[Tegridy Farms, day. All the decorations are thrown away and lots of trash bins wait for pickup. Inside, Randy comes down the stairs looking quite beat up. The rest of the family is eating toast and cereal.]
Randy:Hey, guess I slept in late, huh? What time is it? [serves himself some coffee]
Sharon:It's 8:15 am. November 3rd.
Randy:Ooof, wow. That was some strong-ass Halloween Special, y'all. I mean... I saw rapists in the hot tub, zombie cows. I thought I was gonna die, and then, this fat, bitchy angel came and put me to bed. [Shelley shoots a look at him for a few seconds, then looks at her food] Did everyone enjoy the Halloween Special?
Sharon:No, Randy. Only you did.
Randy:Oh. Well, that was pretty much my target audience anyway. [walks away from the table with his coffee, back to the stairs] Hey, at least I really didn't have butt sex with Harvey Weinstein, huh? [sees something on the floor] Oh [it's a used confom. He picks it up and shows it to the family] Or did I? [twirls it around a few times] Woo! Happy Halloween, everybody! [lets go, and the condom lands on a wall, releasing its contents.]
[End of Tegridy Farms Halloween Special.]