Episode 2308 - Turd Burglars

Cast:

Cartman
Stan
Kyle
Kenny
Mr. Mackey
Laura Tucker
Linda Stotch
Harriet Biggle
Mrs. Testaburger
Sheila and Ike Broflovski
Det. Yates
Dr. Gauche
Tom Brady and Mabel
Sportswriter
Publicist
Reporter 1
Reporter 2
Reporter 3
Theresa and Mom
Janice
Male Diner
A driver (Damon)
Announcer
Narrator


[This time, it's the ladies who sing the theme song. A group of them walk down Main Street and jump up in the air. The show this week is "One For The Ladies." Various scenes from previous episodes are shown. Sheila appears at the bathroom door in her negligee. Liane beats up men left and right. Sharon runs into school followed by Linda Stotch and Mrs. Biggle. Laura Stotch crosses her arms. The Mayor grab a picture frame and hugs it. Sheila leads a protest against Amazon. Sharon works out with a Shake Weight. Kyle meets his mom, S-Woww Tittybang. Strong Woman checks out her pregnant figure. Linda Stotch and Sharon go shopping. And one final shot of them all gathred on a grand staicase.

Park County Community Center, day. Sheila speaks to a gathering of townswomen.]

Sheila:When I look out across this room, I see the backbone of our community. The women of this town need to stand together. [applause from the gathered women.] We're here, and we're proud, and it is time to let everyone know that the women of South Park should be treated the same as the men! [farts and begins to groan] Oh God! [farts and groans] Oh God! [she's helped off the stage by Mrs. Testaburger] Ohh, sorry. [vomits as she reaches the end of the table]
Mrs. Testaburger:Ohoho-kay. [they head for the entrance]
Sheila:I'm. All right. Oh...
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kyle is in the waiting room with Ike as their mom gets checked up.]
Dr. Gauche:Hello boys. Your mommy has a bacterial infection called. C. diff. It's very contagious.
Kyle:A bacterial infection? In her stomach?
Dr. Gauche:[sits down and shows Kyle his tablet.] All of us have trillions of microorganisms that grow on and inside our bodies. Just like your mom. [a 3D x-ray of an adult female appears on the tablet's screen/] There's timy creatures that live in your mom's skin, on her eyelashes, in her vagina. But the good bacteria in mommy's tummy is being overrun by bad bacteria. We can't use antibiotics, because that will kill all the good bacteria too.
Kyle:So what can you do for her?
Dr. Gauche:We need to take a healthy person's microbiome and start to grow it inside your mother. We do this with a fecal transplant. We'll get a donor's feces, mix it with water, and put it up your mom's anus.
Kyle, Ike:Eeewww!
Dr. Gauche:Your mom is tough, kids. We're gonna do the very best we can, kids. Try not to worry. [walks away]
Kyle:Ike, if Mom lives, we can't let anyone ever know about this.
[Foor 4 Little, day. Sheila is shooping with Ike. She gtabs a bag of chips and puts it in the basket.]
Sheila:I am shopping. I'm grocery shopping. I'm buying food for the people i love!
Laura:Sheila?
Sheila:[turns around] Oh, hi Laura.
Laura:My goodness, look at you. Ah, I thought you were sick.
Sheila:I was! But I had an amazing procedure.
Ike:Nonononono no, Mommy, nonononono no.
Sheila:I had a fecal transplant.
Ike:Oh, Goddamnit! [buries his face in his hands]
Mrs. Biggle:You had a what?
Sheila:A fecal transp;lant. It's when they take the fece of a healthy donor and place it in your anus. I feel like a milliondollars!
Linda S.:[arrives] Sheila, is that you? I thought you were sick.
Sheila:I was! But I had a fecal transplant.
Ike:[in despair] Aaaaah!
Sheila:I'm telling you girls, it's solved every problem I've ever had. I've lost weight, I have more energy, I even think my arthiritis is clearing up. [Ike takes the bag of chips adn dumps it on the shopping store floor, then puts the bag over his head.]
Laura:Well, that certainly is... interesting.
Janice:You're looking great, Sheila!
Sheila:Thanks, Janice. Fecal transplant!
[The Broflovski house, living room, day. Kyle enters with a package. Whenhe gets to the sofa he opens it up and takes out its contents. Inside is a DVD titled "So Your Mom Had a Fecal Transplant". He pops it into the DVD player and turns on the TV. He sees a hummingbird pollinating a flower]
Narrator:If you're watching this video, then your mom probably had a fecal transplant. And the one question on your mind is most likely "How do I keep my friends from ripping on me?"
Kyle:Yes!
Narrator:People make fun of what they don't understand. [a colorful clon is shown dancing onstage] So let's learn why your mom had a fecal transplant. It was to replace her microbiome. Germs, bugs. thousands of microrganisms are all around you, all the time. That remote control you're holding. [Kyle looks at it] It's teeming with life. Bacteria and other organisms.
Kyle:Yuch. [tosses it away, then wipes his hands clean on his jacket.]
Narrator:They also live on your clothes.
Kyle:Yeesh.
Narrator:Small organisms are everywhere. Now, scratch your balls. [Kyle gets a puzzled look] Go on. [Kyle looks around] If you don't have balls, scratch whatever else might be down there. [Kyle puts his hands down his crotch and scratches] Now, smell your fingers. [Kyle smells his fingers] That smell is millions of organisms that you just scraped from your crotch and are now going up into your nostrils. [Kyle grimaces, shows shock, and then shakes his head trying to get the image out of it] Your microbiome.
Kyle:Eewww!
Narrator:Creatures live in your teeth. They live on your eyelashes. On your skin. And trillions and trillions live inside your body. [Kyle looks alarmed] In fact, of all the cells in your body, only half are human cells. The other half are all microscopic organisms.
Kyle:Aaagh! [runs off]
[Café Money, day. Sheila, Linda S., Laura, and Mrs. Biggle are seated at a tab;e inside.]
Laura:How was your salmon, Sheila?
Sheila:Oh it's amazing. You know I could never eat like this before. My allergy to shellfish has literally gone away.
Linda S.:Oh my gosh, that's so wonderful.
Mrs. Biggle:Oh [giggles and clears her throat] That, that reminds me, so, Sheila, um, the girls and I were talking. Well, you seem so... great, and we thought how nice it would be for us to have a little bit of your poop.
Sheila:...Um, what?
Laura:Well, thing is, we asked our doctors about getting fecal transplants too, and they said they only do them for "medical reasons," so we have to do them on our own.
Sheila:Oh heh, well, if the doctor doesn't think it's safe, you probably shouldn't be doing DIY transplants.
Mrs. Biggle:No, that's very true, isn't it? We were just thinking that your microbiome is so healthy now [Laura nods]/i>, it would be nice to share a little.
Sheila:Yeah. [stammers] I mean, ih it's not that I don't want to share everything with my friends, it's just uh, you know, ub, I'm sorry, it's uh, it just doesn't seem right.
Mrs. Biggle:And that is totally fine.
Laura:If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't right. [giggles]
Sheila:[feels her phone vibrate] Oh, this is Kyle. Sorry, girls, let me take this. [leaves the table]
The other ladies:Okay.
Mrs. Biggle:[moments later, when Sheila is out of earshot] That cunt! It old you she'd say no!
Laura:How much of a bitch can you be? Won't share your feces? Talk about anal-retentive!
Linda S.:[pounds her fist on the table] Fuck her! Fuck her!
[The Broflovski house, night. Kyle tosses and turns in his sleep. "Half the cells in my body. Half. They're inside me right now. Alive. All over me. The bookcase. THE BOOKCASE." A bookcase he hasn't seen before is shown.]
Kyle:[wakes up and sits upright] Aaah!
[The boys' favorite eatery, day. The main four sit and eat burgers and fries.]
Kyle:Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying?! Half the cells in our bodies aren't human! Right now there are alive creatures on your eyelashes and in your teeth!
Cartman:So?
Kyle:So?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're trickling in your mouth and mixing with millions of other little bugs that are alive inside you! You aren't even totally you!
Stan:Dude, Kyle, why are you talking about all this?
Kyle:Okay, guys, listen. My mom had a fecal transplant.
Cartman:[spits his soda out and laughs at him] Fecal transplant!
Mrs. Biggle:Hi Kyle. I'm Harriet, Henrietta and Bradley's mommy. I've been looking all over town for you.
Kyle:Why?
Harriet:Well, I wemt tp the video game store and I bought this. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a game] Jedi: Fallen Order. It's getting great reviews. Thought you might want it.
Cartman:Whaaat?
Stan:Yeah, he wants it.
Harriet:Great. Could you do just one little thing for me, Kyle?
Kenny:(Yeah. He'll do anything.) [Kyle did not appreciate that]
Harriet:When you get back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop, and put it in this jar? [pulls out an empty Mason jar]
Kyle:What?! EW! NO!
Cartman:Yes!
Harriet:I don't need much. I'm sure you can find a way to sneakit from her. You do that and the game is all yours.
Kyle:That is disgusting. Absolutely not!
Cartman:Kyle!
Harriet:Oh well, think about it. The offer stands. I heard you can customize your own light sabre. [slides away]
Cartman:What is your problem?!
Kyle:What is MU problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit!
Stan:Dude, you realize we won't get that game till Christmas. we could be paying with it tomorrow.
Kenny:(TO-MORROW!)
Kyle:I said "no," and that's final!
[The Broflovski house, night. Sheila goes into the bathroom to take a dump. Down in the basement, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are tessing the the plumbing. Stan peeks out through a grill, Cartman works on the drain removing the cleanout, and Kenny waits by an empty bucket]
Stan:She's in. Kyle's mom just squatted in the toilet. [gets off his perch and walks over to Cartman]
Cartman:Okay, we've got contact. Are you ready with the bucket, Kenny?
Kenny:Got it. [brings it over]
Cartman:Place it directly under this pipe. [Kenny puts the bucket under the pipe, and Cartman adjusts its position] Alright. That should just about do it. [steps back] Now we just wait. For the flush.
Kenny:[a few seconds later] She's not flushing.
Cartman:That's good she's not flushing yet. That means she's got more serious business, and serious business is just what we're after.
Stan:You think she'll poop a big enough log? [Kyle appears on the steps behind them.]
Cartman:You see how fat Kyle's mom is? That bitch must poop at least two-pounders.
Kyle:The fuck are you doing?! [theothers turn around]
Cartman:Oh, hey Kyle, What's going on?
Kyle:You are NOT stealing my mom's shit!
Cartman:Kyle, this is the world we're living in, okay? People are finding new and exciting ways to get healthy, and who are we to stand in their way? [behind him, two pieces of poop drop into the bucket]
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Dr. Gauche talks to Kyle.]
Kyle:It just freaks me out, Doc. [the doctor listens to Kyle breathing and heartbeat] We all have these... things... living inside our bodies, and everyn=one just seems fine with it. It's like, as soon as people learn they have micrbiomes, the first thing they want to do is start swapping them.
Dr. Gauche:[puts his stethoscope around his neck and goes to wash his hands] Well, young man, the truth is we still don't know a lot about the microbiome, but you shouldn't let it "freak you out."
Kyle:But where does it stop?! Then, are people just gonna start wanting skinny people's microbiomes to be skinny? Or an athlete's microbiome to feel athletic and young again?
Dr. Gauche:Yes, it's possible, but we don't know enough. There is no superfeces which can make you athletic and young. [turns the faucet off and dries his hands]
Kyle:Well like, what about Tsom Brady's poop?
Dr. Gauche:[turns around and faces Kyle. "The spice. He knows about the spice."]
Kyle:Ah I'm just saying that Tom Brady seems to work really hard on his diet and stuff. His shit must be pretty good.
Dr. Gauche:[thinking, "More than pretty good. The spice mélange."]
Kyle:[uncomfortable from the hard stare] What?
Dr. Gauche:Nothing. [thinking, "It's unobtainable. The spice. But could he be the one to bring it here?"]
["One For The Ladies" resumes]
Announcer:And now back to "One For The Ladies."
[Linda S. and Laura walk down Main Stree]
Linda S.:Have you been to that store at all?
Laura:No. I think it's new, isn't it?
Linda S.:It used to be that watch store.
Laura:Oh my God. Harriet?
Harriet:[dressed in a tennis outfite, turns around] Oh, hi girls. What's new?
Linda S.:My goodnes, look at you!
Laura:You look great! What happened?
Harriet:Fecal transplant. It's true what they say: I feel 20 years younger. [swings her tennis racket around]
A driver:[pulls up in his red sprts car] Looking good, Mrs. B.
Harriet:Fecal transplant, Damon. Keep your eyes in the road!
Sheila:Harriet?
Harriet:Oh. Hey, Sheila. [smiles]
Sheila:You're looking chipper today.
Harriet:Fecal transplant.
Sheila:I though the doctor wouldn't give you a fecal transplant, Harriet.
Harriet:No, I... did it myself. With a turkey baster.
Sheila:Where did you get the feces?
Harriet:Well, it's really none of your business, Sheila. It's a private matter, a fecal transplant. I'd really rather not talk about it. See you girls! [walks off]
The other ladies:Bye, Harriet! [smile. But those smiles soon vanish.]
Laura:Two-faced bitch! You know what she said about you at lucnh?
Sheila:What?
Linda S.:She called you the C-word!
Sheila:You're joking!
Laura:Oh no! Clearly she coulsn't stand that you were the only one whose shit didn't stink.
Linda S.:[pounds her fist on the table] Fuck her! Fuck her!
[The counselor's office, day. Mr. Mackey has the four boys in for questioning.]
Mr. Mackey:Boys, I brought you in here because some rumors are floatin' around the cshool, m'kay? These rumors are that you three somehow stole feces from Kyle's mom, m'kay, and give it to Mrs. Biggle in return for "Jedi: Fallen Order."
Cartman:That is 100% untrue.
Mr. Mackey:M'kay, well someone in this school is a little turd burglar, and I want some ansewrs!
Stan:How can answer that to which we have no knowledge?
Cartman:Very nice, very nice.
Mr. Mackey:It must be hard, having to take turns playing "Jedi: Fallen Order." It's a single-player game, I believe.
Cartman:Wouldn't know.
Mr. Mackey:Oh. Because... I could get you each your own copy. That would be a lot of fun, wouldn't it? You guys stole the poop. Could you do it again?
Stan:You want us to steal some of Kyle's mom's poop for you?
Mr. Mackey:Not Kyle's mom'7. someone else's. 1tr>Cartmans:Whose?
Mr. Mackey:[thinking, "The spice. I must have it. The spice mélange."]
[A New England Patriots press conference. Tom Brady comes out to speak to the cmaeras.]
Tom:Alright. Alright, I'm.., proud of our team today.It was uh... You know, I thought our defense did a great job keepin' us in the game, and again, I think the offense has a lot of room for improvement and all that... starts with me. Questions? Yeah.
Reporter 1:Can we have your poop?
Tom:No. Guys, I'm not gonna take any requests for my microbiome. I just wanna focus on the team. We're 10-1 now, you know, but, we can't let up. Next?
Sportwriter:Please, can we have your poop?
Tom:Okay, I'm not, I'm not gonna stay our here, you guys. It's just- Does anyone have a real question?
Reporter 2:Tom, after you leave here, aer you gonna go eat smoewhere or go right home and have a-
Tom:Nono, no. See, I'm not gonna tell you where I'm going, becaues you're all goona try and follow me into the bathroom. You're not taking my feces, so unless you have a football question, we're done here.
Reporter 1:Can we buy your poop?
[Kyle's bedroom, night. He's sleeping with the covers off. "Microbiome... inside me. They are insdie me. Are they a part of me? When I eat, they eat. When I die, they consume me and continue to live. Amd I just an airbnb in Santa Clarita?" He wakes up, eyes gloiwng "They're not a part of me. They ARE me." He sits up and looks at his hands. They're teeming with microorganisms. "The bookcase. THE BOOKCASE."

Next scene is the three boys showing up at Tom Brady's publicist's office. Kenny is in a wheelchair with an IV attached to him, wearing Patriots sports gear and holdin a football on his lap. His hair is shown, but his eyes are shielded by the sports cap]

Publicist:You have to understand. A lot of people want things from Tom Brady. He has to be a little protective.
Stan:Yes, we do understand. We just... well, since you're his publicist. we thought that... you could give Mr. Brady our message. [begins crying]
Cartman:[pats Stan on the shoulder] It's all right, Stan. Don't cry. You see, ma'am, our little friend Kanny here is dying, and he's... he's just the biggest Patriots fan.
Publicist:You know, I can call him, but he's very busy right now with the season.
Stan:We if Mr. Brady could just, you know, have Kenny stay over at his house for a night.
Cartman:Kind of, like a Michael Jackson kind of thing. [Kenny mumbles something] Oh gosh, we're losin' him! We need to make this happenn quickly, ma'am.
Publicist:[thinking, "They want the spice, just like the rest. Oerhao they are the ones."]
Cartman:Uh, ma'am?
Publicist:[thinking, A chnace, perhaps. The could actually obtain the spice mélange."] Let me... see what I can do.
[Café Monet. The ladies have gathered ther for lunch agin]
Sheila:Girls, can I just say... you both look fantastic.
Laura:[chuckles] Oh, thanks, girlfriend. We've been working out and dieting, you know. Not cheating like that bitch Harriet.
Sheila:Well, it's great you guys are doing it the natural way. amd we don't have to deal with Harriet anymore. [the doors fly open and Harriet enters, having thrown up on herself.]
Harriet:There you are, you Goddamned bitch! I will take you to court, fat whore!
Sheila:Harriet, I do not like your tone.
Harriet:You knew I was gonna steal your poo, and so you tainted it, didn't you?!
Sheila:What are you talking about?
Harriet:I have been shitting and throwing up all day! It has to be from your feces!
Sheila:So you DID take my poo, huh, Harriet?!
Harriet:That's beside the point now!
Sheila:Oh, IS it? 'Cause the girls told me you called me the C word the other day.
Harriet:Oh, you're all backstabbing bitches now?!
Linda S.:Fuck you, Harriet!
Male Diner:Oho. Okay ladies, come on.
Harriet:Just admit it! I can't stop puking and shitting because of what you did to me!
Laura:Oh. Gaw! [throws up, then shits her pants]
Harriet:What the fuck?!
Linda S.:You thought you were such hot shit, Harriet We took the leftover feces from your house and put it up our asses with a turkey baster! Oh! Oh God! [moves away from the table and projectile-vomits, then almost falls over as she projective-poops on other diners, then vomits on another table. Soon, Linda S. is also shitting and pooping on patrons.]
["One For The Ladies" resumes]
Announcer:And now back to "One For The Ladies."
[an aliend landscape is shown. A monster with five jaws rises from it, roars, and goes back down into it, burrowing a hole. The camera pulls back and the landscape is just a piece of poo in a toilet somewhere. A man looks in the toilet before flushing it - it's Tom Brady. His doorbell rings and he turns to get it. Donwstairs, the housekeeper answers the door and sees the three boys outside.]
Cartman:Hello, ma'am. We are the darling chldren whose dying friend is all set to meet Tom Brady.
Mabel:[gravelly voice] I am Mabel Gonzales, the housekeeper. [thinking, "they're here for the spice. I can sense it."]
Cartman:[thinking, "I wonder why everyone keeps taking really long pauses after they talk."]
Stan:[thinking, "People just keep looking at me like I'm supposed to say something."]
Kenny:[thinking, "Why did I agree to this? I don't even have a machine to play Broken Order on."]
Mabel:Come on in. Mr. Brady is just using the bathroom. [thinking, "Music to your ears, I suppose."]
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The parking lot is filled with ambulances bringing in sick women from everywhere. Some men, too, have taken fecal transplants and are suffering the consequences.]
Dr. Gauche:We've got more sick incoming! Try and make some more room! [Moves over to Det. Yates] We have a major epidemic here, Detective. C. diff. has spread to half the town. We don't have enough staff or enough to supplies to keep up with it.
Yates:How does this happen?
Dr. Gauche:Apparently, the outbreak started at a restaurant when some women got sick on everybody. The women contracted C. diff. by giving themselves DIY fecal transplants.
Yates:So they got sick from another women's feces?
Dr. Gauche:No, they got sick from using this, [holds up a turkey baster] A comon household turkey baster. It's a thing most people use just once a year, around Thanksgiving. The rest of the year it just sits in a drawer collecting bacteria, and then the ladies went and stuck it up their asses.
Yates:OH, those ladies!
Dr. Gauche:It gets worse. We're completely out of healthy donor feces. Even if we found a donor at this point, it wouldn't be enough to give everyone transplants.
Yates:So what haPpens next?
Dr. Gauche:With how contagious C. diff. is and how deadly, half of South Park is going to die.
Yates:[]walks off Jesus. what have those rascally ladies done?
[Tom Brady's living room, day. The boys wait in the living room with a family]
Stan:So, you're all here to meet Tom Brady too?
SportswriterYeah, I'm a sportswriter, getting a little interview. [thinking, "a little interview, and hopyfully nore."]
Mom:Yes, and we're here with our little gilrl who's dying, just like your friend.
Theresa:I'm dying, mommy?
Mom:Shut up, Theresa! [thining, "This spice mélange. It is here in this house."]
Mabel:Everyone, the honorable Thomas Brady.
Tom:Hey, everybody. [moves to the middle of the room, in front of a bookcase]
Sportswriter[jumps up with a knife to keep the others away from Tom] The rest of you, stand back! They all deceived you, Mr. Brady! They only want to get the spice mélange.
Tom:Oh God, not again. Alright, everybody out. Come on, let's go.
Cartman:Mr. Brady, can we just see your basement really fast?
Tom:Nope, nope, that's all. If you peoplel want a healthy microbiome, then proper diet and healthy choices, alright? That's it! You are all being ridiculous! [the doors open and Kyle enters, steeping down into the living room. His eyes are still glowing.]
Stan:Kyle, dude, what are you doing here? [Kyle moves forward]
Cartman:You don't get to be part of Turd Burglars now, Kyle! [Kyle continues forward and stops at the bookcase]
Kyle:The bookcase. [presses a button on the panel in front of him and the bookcase recedes and opens up, revealing a vault full of Tom Brady's poop in mason jars.]
All:Whoa!
Tom:Okay, look. I got sick of people going to my basement and screwing with my plumbing
SportswriterSpice! So much of it!
Mabel:Enough for everyone! Enough to bring peace to all!
Tom:I stopped flushing them because peole kept breaking my pipes to get them.
Publicist:Never did I think so much of it could be obrained.
Mom:This is enough for all the universe!
Tom:I mean, you'd all do the same thing if people were always trying to steal your shit. [Kyel's glowing eyes check out every bit of the poo cellar, which also serves as the wine cellar]
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Gauche takes a jar of poop and drops it into a blender, adds some water, and starts the blender up. He then takes a sterile syringe and fills it with the fecal juice and injects it into Mrs. Testaburger's anus.]
Dr. Gauche:That's good. Stay still. Almost there.
Harriet:Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.
Linda S.:And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.
Sheila:Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.
Laura:I hope we can all be besties again.
Dr. Gauche:[stopping by to visit.] You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.
Sheila:Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?
Dr. Gauche:I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more. [pats his belly]
Dr. Gauche:Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies is one too many for the ladies. [everyone laughs.]
[End of Turd Burglars.]