Episode 2309 - Basic Cable

Cast:

Cartman
Stan
Kyle
Clyde
Jimmy
Nathan
Pete the Goth
Scott
Sophie
Timmy
Mr. Mackey
Clark and Mrs. Malkinson
Sophie's Mom
Bob White
Stephen and Linda Stotch
Steve Black
Cashier
Dave
Dean
Dispatcher
Emory Charles
Katherine and Katie, the Queef Sisters
Sheriff
The Repairmen (Bill, Kurt, Dave, Michael)


[The episode begins with a new opener for "The Scott Malkinson Show," which shows Scott as something of a secret agent mixed with Captain Diabetes. He fights sugar cubes which could be death to him,

Scott's house, day. He's asleep in his room and it's almost 8 am. His alarm goes off at 8 and he wakes up. He stretches and then reaches for his glucose meter and checks his blood sugar. 90. He takes a shower and brushes his teeth.]

Scott:[looks into the mirror] Dad? Dad, I love you. I love you so much, Dad. [finishes brushing his teeth, then grabs some syringes from his drawer to take with him for the day. He goes downstairs and reaches the table just in time to get breakfast from his mom. His dad, in work clothes, is already at the table eating.]
Scott's Mom:What is it, Scott?
Scott:Ninety, Mom.
Scott's Mom:Okay, great. [turns and goes back to the kitchen]
Scott:[turns to his dad] Dad, I love you. I love you so much, Dad.
Scott's Dad:What?
Scott:I love you so much, Dad. Please, can we get Disney+?
Scott's Dad:Goddamnit, not this shit again! No! [Scott lowers his head] We don't need Disney Fucking Plus, Scott! We got cable, and that's enough! [pounds the table] All this talk about disney+ and CBS Max and shit on a fucking extreme prime! Where's it gonna end?! Straight to fucking hell, that's where! I'm going to work! [gets up and leaves his meal half-eaten.]
Scott:[hyperventilates a bit, then checks his blood sugar again. 165.] Shit! [reaches for an insulin syringe and gives himself a shot in the belly] Asshole!
[The schoo bus, day. Scott is on his way to school with a bunch of other students. In front of the school, he checks his blood sugar again. In class, he sits quietly as the other studentsmtalk amongst themselves]
Mr. Mackey:Okay, kids, if we can all be quiet, please? Today is a very special day, 'caiuse we have a new student who just moved to town and will be starting her schoolastic adventures here in South Park. I know you're gonna be very kind, and make her feel at home.
Cartman:[scoffs] Hehyeah.
Mr. Mackey:Please say hi to Sophie Gray.
Sophie:[walks into view] Hey, guys. Um, well, I moved here from Arizona, I really like soccer, and I love The Mandalorian, and, um, I guess one thing about me that might be kind of different is that I have diabetes.
Scott:Say what??
Sophie:I have a thing called diabetes. It's a condition that affects the way my body processes sugar. It just means that I have to check my blood sugar once in a while, and sometimes I have to... [voice trails off as Scott falls in love] ...part of who I am. Oh, and I also have a pony.
[Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are seated at a table]
Scott:Holy shit, guys! What am I gonna do?!
Stan:About what?
Scott:About Sophie Gray! She's my boo! I love her! What am I supposed to say to her.
Cartman:Scott, you can't be with Sophie Gray. She has diabetes.
Scott:I know! That's why she's perfect!
Cartman:No, Scott, if you and Sophie have a baby, it'll have superdiabetes. I'm not sure, but I'sm pretty sure that causes a crater on the Earth.
Jimmy:That girl is pretty fly. As soon as she said she watches Mandalorian, it gave me a little boner. If you wanna be with a new girl, you're gonna have some stiff competition. Get it? Stiff? C-, c-, c-, c-, competition.
Scott:But she has diabetes. You guys always rip on me for having diabetes.
Cartman:[mimicking Scott] You guys always rip on me for havin' diabetes. I'm Scott Malkinson. [the othes laugh]
Scott: No! Not this time! You guys aren't ruining Scott Malkinson's life again! I'm taking control! Do you understand?! [leaves the table]
Cartman:[mimicking Scott] I'm taking control do you understand I'm Scott Malkinson I have diabetes. [the othes laugh]
[The neighborhood, day. Scott's fther sits in his truck listening to Thomas Dolby when an incoming call awakens him]
Dispatcher:Hey Clark. Clark, are you there?
Scott's Dad:[] This is Clark. Go ahead.
Dispatcher:Yeah hey, I think we actually have a job. The Stotches need teir cable box looked at.
Clark:Alright, I'm on it!
Dispatcher:Uh, listen, Clark, part of why we're losing customers is 'cause people say our service is slow.
Clark:Don't worry, I'll be there as fast as I can!
[Clark starts up his van and peels away. He dirves down on estreet and makes a hard right onto another. Something catches his eye and he pulls into an M Burgers drive-through.]
Cashier:Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?
Clark:Number 3 value meal, no pickle.
[Clark gets his meal and pulls away, going to eat at Stark's Pond. Once done, he goes back to town and does some grocery shopping. He gets some Thin snacks to go with his other purchases. He goes blowling and picks up nine pins. Finally, he shows up at the Stotch house.]
Stephen:Oh. Well, finally! The cable company gave us a window from noon to 5 for you to show up, It's 5:15.
Clark:[gets out] Well I'm only 15 minutes late.
Stephen:This is why we should quit cable and just go to streaming services.
Clark:Oh, you want quantity over quality?! Streaming services are destroying our town! People don't watch and bond over the same shows anymore! Everyone watches somethin' different! 'Caues you got assholes in Hollywood making little niche programs for everybody! That's what you want?!
Stephen:[coolly] Yeah, I think I do.
[South Park Elementary, hallway. Sophie puts her books away in her locker.]
A Boy:Uhh, hi. [she looks back to see whom it is] You're thenew girl, right? i>[the boys is Pete] Just watned to say, you know, welcome to the school.
Sophie:Oh thanks. That's really nice of you.
Pete:I was wondering if maybbe sometime, well I could show around if you need it.
Sophie:Wow, that'd be great. A couple of the other guys offered too.
Pete:[eyebrows knit] Yeah, a lot of the guys here are posers though. You gotta be careful.
Sophie:That's funny. Another one of the guys said that. He was the tall kid that kinda dresses like you. [Scott appears from around a corner and is instantly alarmed when he sees Sophie talking with Pete]
Pete:Oh yeah, he's a total poser. [Scott goes back around the corner, where he can't be seen]
Scott:[whispers] God damnit! Fucking asshole. [whips out his glucose meter to measure his sugar and peaks around the corner. 172. He gets out some insulin and gives himself a shot. Sophe and Pete are still chatting]
Sophie:...yeah, and so my dad actually still lives in Scottsdale.
Pete:Scottsdale. Love it there.
Scott:[bumps Pete off] Hi Sophie. Hoe's it going?
Pete:Ow! Watch it, dork!
Scott:I have somethhing really important to tell you, Sophie. It can't wait.
Sophie:Oh, okay. [to Pete] I'll see you around, huh?
Pete:Yeah, sure thing. [keeps an eye on Scott while leaving.]
Scott:So, uh, you have diabetes, right?
Sophie:Yeah.
Scott:[sighs] I... have diabetes. [grins.]
Sophie:Oh. [silence]
Scott:So... what do you wanna do now? [grins.]
[The playground. While the other kids play, Scott and Sophie sit on the merry-go-round watching them]
Scott:So... wha's your favorite food... that you can't eat? Mine's waffles.
Sophie:Um, I haven't really thought about it.
Scott:Oh...
Sophie:Do you watch The Mandalorian on Disney+?
Scott:Oh... Ughuh, yeah, of course. I love The Mandalorian.
Sophie:Right? It's the best Star Wars thing since Empire. Makes all the new movies look like dog shit.
Scott:Yeah, like, super dog shit.
Clyde:[walks up] Hey, you're the new girl, right?
Scott:She's busy! [Clyde is surprised]
Sophie:Hey, are you gonna watch the new episode on Friday? We could watch it together if you want.
Scott:Oh my God. I would love that.
Sophie:Okay. I'll be over right when it starts streaming.
Scott:Oh. Well, uh, the thing is, I, I mean uh...
Timmy:[rolls up] Timmih!
Scott:[gets off the merry-go-round] She's busy, and she's watching Mandalorian at my house!
Timmy:Timmih... [reverses direction and rolls away]
[Scott's house. His parents sit in their armchairs to watch TV. Scott has his own beanbag chair between them, but he's not home yet]
Clark:Look at that. Look. Two hundred and forty channels of anything we wanna watch. No accounts! No fucking passwords! Just pure, simple, basic cable.
Scott:[opens the front door and enters the hous] Mom! Dad! Guess what?! [closes the door]
Clark:Now now, Scott. Your mom and I are enjoying wtaching whatever we want [switches channles] and not signing up for anything.
Scott:But Dad, there's this new girl in school, and she has... diabetes!
Mrs. Malkinson:Oh, that's wonderful, Scott.
Scott:Yeah. And guess what? She wants to come over to our house! So we HAVE to get Disney+!
Clark:Oh, not this shit again! The answer is no! [gets up and heads for the kitchen]
Scott:Dad, please! This is my life!
Clark:Streaming services are destrohing our culture, Scott! People got a thousand shows at their fingertips 24/7, so Hollywood has to make shows within their shows to make more shows!
Scott:But Dad, what's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it?
Clark:[mimicking] "What's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it? I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes." [goes into th ekitchen]
Scott:Unbelievable!! [turns left and walks away.]
Clark:[gets his phone and places a call] Yeah, it's me. It's time we took down all these streaming eervices down. Tell all the guys we're meeting ASAP, in a window between 10 am and 2 pm Thursday.
[The Scott Malkinson show returns.]
Clark:Goddamnit, where are they?! We're gonna run out of time! [two more men arrive in their work van.] Where the hell have you guys been?!
Repariman 1 (Bill):You gave us a window of 10 am to 2 pm. It's 1:50.
Clark:"Between 10 and 2 doesn't mean you wait until 1-fucking-50!"
Repariman 2 (Kurt):Wow. What's wrong with you??
Clark:What's wrong is that we;'re losin' our aasses to these sons of bitches! I don't know about you buys, but I haven't worked a full day in weeks! [pounds his left fist into his right palm]
Repariman 2:Hey, that's right.
Clark:These sreaming serices all still need the Internet to stream, right? And who laid all that cable those companies are streamin' on?!
The other workers:We did.
Clark:That's right. We fucking did. We're cable repairmen! We control what goes into people's hosues! Us! It's time that we work together and show people how much they still need us!
Repariman 3 (Michael):Yeah! Let's uncouple the stranded conductor!
Repariman 2:Let's tear the insulation off the retractile cables.
Clark:Bill and Dave, you get supplies from the electronics store! Kurt, you help Michael with the hardware we're gonna need! Let's meet at the breaker between 4 and 7 pm!
The other workers:Yeah! [the repairmen get into their vans and race across town. Michael stops by a Walgreens to get his cholesterol chacked. Bill and Dave head for a Royal Cinemas theater to watch a movie. Bill buys tickets and sends Dave off to buy snacks. Kurt goes into a tanning salon and gets an artificial tan.]
[Canada Ploos appears onscreen]
Announcer:You're watcing Canada Ploos. Your source for all Canadian entertainment.
Cartman:[checking out this sreaming service] Oh, that's pretty cool.
Announcer:Which Canadian program would you like to watch? [Cartman reviews the choices] Terrance & Philip. The Queef Sisters. Terrance & Philip. The Queef Sisters. Terrance &-. The Queef Sis-. [the channels pings, and The Queef Sisters appears onscreen. Catherine is sunbathing on a beach]
Katie:Katherine, I have some bad news.
Katherine:What is it, Katie? [Katie squats down on her face and queefs on it, then gets off and the sisters laugh]
Cartman:Agh, goddamnit. [pauses the stream and goes to the front door. He opens it, and Scott is on the landing]
Scott:You gotta help me!
Cartman:With what?
Scott:With my baby girl! [enters the house] She's everything to me, bro, but to impress her, I have to get Disney+. How can I get it without my parents' credit card?
Cartman:You don't wanna go around messin' with that.
Scott:[turns around to face Cartman] You had a girlfriend, Eric. You and Heidi were together a long time. You know how important this is.
Cartman:[walks off] You want my advice? You're better off, Scott. Let some other fool have his life ruined.
Scott:What are you talking about, Eric? It-
Cartman:[turns around] Do you know what love is, Scott? I'll tell you one thing: it's not the happy ending that Disney movies promised us. There's just frustration, and anger, and pain. Relationships is diabetes times ten.
Scott:I can handle diabetes. I can handle a relationship.
Cartman:Fine. I'll tell you how to get Disney+. But when you feel like killing yourself in two years, don't do it in front of me.
[At a barbershop]
Clark:Alright, let's do this! [reclines so his hare can be soaked in water, then sits up for his haircut. He reads Firearms Quarterly, then checks out some aftershave lotion, nakes some purchases, and leaves] Dave? Dave, you got everything from the electronics store?
Dave:Not yet. Still workin' on it.
Clark:Well what the fuck are you doing?!
Dave:You gave me a window from noon to 3 to get it all; it's only 2:45.
Clark:God-fucking-damnit, can we get the show on the road here, guys?! Kurt, you got the cable splitters?
Kurt:[long pause] ...Huh?
Clark:Goddamnit, get the cable splitters!
[Downtown South Park. Scott walks down Main Street looking for someone. He stops when he sees Nathan in the distance: "streaming accounts", then checks the insulin supplies in his tote bag. He goes on to meet Nathan]
Nathan:Steaming accounts and passwords! Steaming accounts! Passwords!
Scott:Ah, hey.
Nathan:Hey. What's ging on?
Scott:Uuhh, Eric Cartman told me you have access to streaming accounts.
Nathan:Maybe I do, and maybe I don't. Are you a cop?
Scott:No, I'm Scott Malkinson. I go to your school.
Nathan:Never heard of you.
Scott:Haven't you ever heard the other kids say, "I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes"? Uh I'm Scott Malkinson.
Nathan:Oh, yeah. Well, in that case, [opens his jacket to reveal his wares] Hulu? Netflix? HBO Max? I got all the accounts and passwords you need.
Scott:No, I need a Disney+ account.
Nathan:Oh, you want the good stuff. That's pricey. Hard to find. What uh-are you lookin' to trade?
Scott:I have two 16-needle boxes of insulin. [takes out a box. Nathan takes a needle from the box and injects himself with it. A few seconds later he begins to shakr.]
Nathan:Oh. Oh God. Oh! Ohhhhhhh! [the shaking subsides] Yeah, that's pretty good shit. [takes the box and sets it aside] Alright, here you go. [gives him a keygov] Disney+ account and password.
[The sewer under the neighborhood, evening. Below the manhole cover, the repairmen get to work.]
Clark:Alright, I got the static coupler conected to the RF switch. You got the BT router undone, dave?
Dave:Yeah. Yeah, I think that's got it.
Clark:Okay. Let's throw the pulse ccable! [Dave stands up and pulls the switch, and the short travels around the tunnel, shutting down the electricity.] Yeah, I think that's good.
[Scott's house, evening. Scott prepares a romantic dinner for himself and Sophie, and his sorting the chip bowl just right. The doorbell rings and he pants.]
Scott:Oh God. [goes to answer the door]
Sophie:Hey!
Scott:Hi, Sophie.
Sophie:[runs in] The show starts streaming in two minutes! [sits in Clark's armchair] I have to watch right when it tarts streaming. I hate spoilers.
Scott:Me too!
Sophie:This'll be a great place to watch it. [her phone beeps and she checks it out] Uh oh. Hey, do you have some juice or something? My blood sugar is a little low.
Scott:Oh my God, I love you so much.
Sophie:Huh?
Scott:[reaches over into a pail of chilled juices and hands her some fruit punch] Uh, uhhh, here you go. I have lots of juices standing by.
Sophie:Great! [takes the bottle and drinks from it through its straw. Scott grins] Mm, okay, it's time. Put it on.
Scott:O-kay! [turns the TV on and sees the Disney+ screen. He navigates to The Mandalorian] and clicks on it.
Sophie:Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod! Yesyesyesyes! [This makes Scott very happy. A baby Yoda appears onscreen lifting a cup, and the signal is lost] Hey, uh, what's going on?
Scott:I, uh I don't know. [begins changing channels and gets the J&G Shopping Network's "Jewelry Bonanza with Dean".]
Dean:This is item number 45-78111.
Sophie:Can you chagen it back?
Scott:It, ih-it's not... working.
Dean:Look at these stunning ear- [keeps shanging channels and gets static on Netflix, Amazon PrimeVideo, etc] I don't know what's going on!
Sophie:It's gonna be okay. That Jimmy kid invited me to watch at his house. Come on! [leaves the house]
Scott:[follows her out] Oh no, not Jimmy! Bae? Bae, come back!
[PC Babies appears onscreen]
Emory:Now back to PC Babies.
Stan:PC Babies? What the hell is this? [The four are at Jimmy's house with Clyde]
Kyle:Putit back to Mandalorian, Jimmy! Nobody likes PC Babies.
Jimmy:[tries getting back to the show, but keeps getting basic shows] I'm trying, but... something's wrong with the YV.
Dean:-teen karat gold-
Cartman:This is bullcrap! Give me that thing!
Announcer:You're watching Canada Ploos. [a shot of Katherine queefing on Katie]
Cartman:Goddamnit! [the doorbell rings and Jimmy goes to answer it. He opens the door and Sophie appears with Scott.]
Jimmy:Oh. Hey, Sophie.
Scott:[miffed that he wasn't acknowledged] And Scott.
Sophie:Hay! Hope it's still okay to come over?
Jimmy:Sure. Come on in. [leads them to the sofa] Hey, look who's here, fellas. It's Sophie.
Scott:And Scott!
The Boys:Hey, Sophie.
Sophie:Oh no, your streaming services are messing up too?
Stan:What do you mean? This isn't just happening here?
Sophie:No. We were just at Scott's house and it was the same thing. This is terrible!
Cartman:[leaves the sofa and walks over to Sophie] Hey, don't woory, Sophie. We can go watch it together at Token's house. His family has the best AV equipment.
Scott:Oh, what happened to "girls are just like diabetes"?!
Stan:Let's just hurry and get to Token's house!
Kyle:Yeah! Come on, Sophie!
Scott:And Scott!
[A Hulu screen appears first, then a new show...]
Steve Black:[Token's family is shown] We're the Blacks, a hip family just trying to get by. The problem is, our neighbors.
Bob White:We're the Whites. Nobody cares if bad things ever happen to us anymore. And things are getting worse. [a shot of the famiiles facing off over a hedge row]
Both men:Because in this town, it's The Whites And The Blacks, on Amazon Prime.
Linda S.:[pounds on the TV and gets different basic cable channels] What the? What is wrong with this stupid thing?!
Stephen:Aha, I don't even know who to call, uh. Here, let me try something. [presses buttons on his phone]
Clark:[his phone rings] Here it comes. Here it comes. [shushes the other repairment and picks up] Park County Cable. Oh, your streaming isn't working. Huh. Gee, I'm sorry, that's really not our problem. [puts a thumb up, and another call tries to get through] Uh, ohuh sir, can you hang on? I got another call. [presses a button] Clark County Cable. None of your streaming services are working either? Don't worry. You and everyone else in this town can count on your local cable company. We'll come fix the problem. [hangs up] Alright guys, let's be the heros this town needs!
The repairmen:Yeah!!
[JBO Max appears onscreen, followed by "Crab People"]
Announcer:You're watching Crab People on HBO Max.
Sheriff:[talking to a woman at her house] So you say that these mutant crab people came up from under the ground and started eating children?
Woman:Nonono, Crab People was the show that came on TV when I was trying to watch Stranger Things on Netflix.
Sheriff:Oh. [goes to the screen and stands next to it. The screen does have Crab People on it. He pounds on the TV a few times, but gets the same results everyone else has gotten. The front door opens and Sohpie comes in with the group of boys]
Sophie:Mom, I can't watch Mandalorian anywhere. [looks at her TV] oh no, it's happening here too?
Sophie's Mom:Who are all these boys, Sophie?
Cartman:Hello ma'am. I'm Eric Cartman. How are you?
Jimmy:Uh hi, Muh my name is Jimmy.
Stan:Uh, my name's Stan Marsh. [Kyle and Kenny introduce themselves]
Clyde:...Clyde Donovan.
Cartman:Yeah yeah, nobody cares, Clyde. [Scott feels left out, so he looks into the kitchen and moves towards it. He begins to moce stealthily. He reaches the refrigerator and opens it, loking for something seet to eat. Not satisfied with anything in the fridge, he looks elsewhere and finds a blueberry pie on the kitchen table. He climbs up onto a stool and starts eating the pie, getting more voracious with every bite]
Stan:Well, it looks like nobody's streaming shows tonight. Sorry, Sophie.
Cartman:Not as sorry as I am, Sophie.
Jimmy:I-I'm the most sorriest, So-Sophie.
Scott:[comes back to the living room in a rage and dressed a bit like Wolverine.] Yyeeaahh! [the other kids back up] You assholes, stop talking to her!
Stan:Scott?
Scott:I am done having you all ruin my life! You hear me?! Done! You've taken my dignity for all these years, but you are not taking my girlfriend!
Sophie:What are you talking about, Scott? I'm not your grilfriend.
Scott:[turns around] Eh. You're not?
Cartman:Uh oh, looks like you got some pie on your face, Scott.
Sophie:I'm ot anyone's girlfriend! I just fuckiing moved here, you guys. Can I have some time to unpack the shit in my room?
Scott:But Sohie, you're totally my type! Type I diabetes!
Sophie:Scott, I'm more than just my diabetes.
Scott:[his hopes are dashed] ...Well I'm not. I'm Scott Malkinson. [turns around and walks out of the house with his head low]
["One For The Ladies" appears onscreen. Scott sits alone on the school's merry-go-round. He gets out his glucose meter and measures his sugar. 40. A very low level, as indicated by the broken heart on the monitor. He sighs and continues sitting there.]
Sophie:Need a candy bar? [he looks to his left and sees her there] You're low, right? [she sits next to him] Here. [gives him a bar, which he eats] It stinks having diabetes sometimes, huh?
Scott:You seem to do alright.
Sophie:Still sucks. Kids don't know how much extra you have to do every day just to be okay.
Scott:Yeah.
Sophie:I'm glad there's a kid at my new school who I can talk about diabetes with.
Scott:You don't think I'm weird and gross?
Sophie:You know what? I don't think you're any weirder and grosser than any of the other boys in this town.
Scott:Wow. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I'm sorry you missed your show, Sophie. I don't know what happened, but somehow I feel like it's my fault.
Sophie:That's okay. I had an interesting night. I think I kind of like the Scott Malkinson Show.
[End of Basic Cable. "The Scott Malkinson Show" appears one lsst time, with a phone number to call for streaming right if anyone's interested: (719)838-4002. The cable repairmen run into view]
Clark:Okay, we're here! Let's geh-aaah, shit! [they resume their walk, but slowly and out of view]