Thomas and Laura Tucker
Steve and Linda Black
Stephen and Linda Stotch
Richard and Mrs. Tweek
Randy and Shelley Marsh
Mayor McDaniels and Janson
Jason the Manager
|[he season ends with a regular introduction. Then comes the first scene, A Christmas gathering at the town square. A stage is set up with a Christmas tree behind it. Mr. Mackey sings and plays piano while the Mayor waits her turn to speak..Families are present, but there are stands for wine, beer, and cocktails. Mr. Mackey sings "Happy Holidays" as the townsfolk enjoy their drinks.]|
|Mayor McDaniels:||Alright, everyone! Are we enjoying the festivities?! [the crowd cheers] Well it's time for a very special guest now. Here he is, SANTA! [steps to her left as Santa approaches the podium.]|
|Santa:||[approahes with his arms up in the air.] Merry Christmas, everyone! This is the season for joy and giving. But let's also not forget that unfortunately, it's the season for accidents caused by drunk driving. [The cheering stops] Did you know that the holidays are when the most DUIs and drinking-related accidents occur?|
|Townsman 1:||This is like that little Greta girl with the global warming. [cups his lips] BUZZ KILL! [boos begin to rise from the audience.]|
|Santa:||Please, be sure to celebrate the holiday season responsibly, because last holiday season [the boos get louder and louder] The-, the most drunk-driving accidents than ever bef-|
|Townsman 2:||We're trying to have fun here, Santa!|
|Santa:||Okay, okay, Come on. All Santa is saying is that drinking and driving during the holidays-|
|Mayor:||[steps in and moves him to one side]> Okay, thank you, Santa! That was wonderful and informative. Thank you for coming [Santa turns and walks offstage], everyone. We hope your and your loved ones enjoy all your favorite holiday traditions.
||Stephen:||Yeah! Let's drive! [everyone gets in their cars and drives off. Reckless driving everywhere to the tune of "Kay Thompson's Jingle Bells".]
||[One couple fishtails it down the road, narrowly missing a head-on crash. The two drivers wave at each other. Two other cars almost crash at an intersection, but the red car stops and lets the other one by. The drivers wave at each other. The Valmers are driving home, each with a drink in hand, with Jimmy in the back seat. A driver in a green car rams into a fire hydrant, causing a geyser to rise up out of the ground. Another couple fishtails down the road. Five cars meet at an intersection and all narrowly miss each other. A driver in a purple car rams into a tree and is ejected from the car, dying instantly. One car with a mother and two kids stops in the middle of the street for no reason, and another car runs into it, causing collision damage. Five kids are on a hill waiting to slide down in snow tubes. A boy goes down and is run over by a car. and his snow tube is destroyed. A dog crosses the street and is shredded to bits by another car. The Stotches re driving home, with Butters in the back seat. Nothing happens there. Two other cars have a head-on collision in a residential street]
||[Food 4 Little, next day. Shopping goes on as usual]
||Stephen:||[greeting two other shoopers] Mornin', Jim. Mornin', Kate.
||Stephen:||You really tied one one last night, huh? Happy holidays.
||[The liquor aisle. Jimbo, Liane, and the Whites look down the aidle, which is blocked off by a chain and a sign.]
||Jimbo:||What the hell's goin' on?
||Bob:||Uh we c-, we don't know.
||Stephen:||[walks up] Hey guys. [notices the chain and sign] The fuck is this?
||Jimbo:||There's like a... chain blocking the liquor aisle.
||Bob:||Maybe we can just go around to the other side. Come on! [they all go around the blockage to the other end, where they see the Blacks, the Tweeks, and Mr. Mackey.]
||Jimbo:||What the hell?
||Mr. Mackey:||I don't know. There's some sort of blockage in front of the booth section.
||Stephen:||But this is ridiculous. [tries to enter the aisle, but the chain stops him. He reaches to his left, then to his right, but can't reach the bottles.] Manager? Manager!
||Jason, the Manager:||[arrives] Can I help you?
||Stephen:||Manager, there's a chain and sign blocking our way into the liquor aisle.
||Jason:||Yes. We can't sell liquor during the holidays. Somebody got a new county ordinance passed.
||Stephen:||What? Who has that kind of power?
||Jimbo:||It's Christmas, damnit! What are we supposed to drink?
||Jason:||You gotta just drink what ya have at your house.
||Stephen:||We drank it all before driving to the tree-lighting ceremoney!
||[South Park Viliage Liquor, momnets later. The proprietor rolls down his security doog and locks up]
||Stephen:||Hey, woah woah woah, wait! Hold on!
||Proprietor:||Sorry, everyone. I've been shut down until the New Year.
||Jimbo:||No! Not you too??
||Liane:||You must have something you can give us.
||Proprietor:||All I've got is this little bottle of pepermint schnapps, but it's barely enough form my drive home.
||Stephen:||[grabs the proprietor by the collar]> I've got family coming over, from out of town! You can't expect me to be sober!
||[Skeeter's Wine Bar, moments later. He's wiping down wine glasses at the couner when the other rush into the bar]
||Stephen:||Skeeter! Thank God you're still open. ive me a cabernet, huh? And a couple of bottles to take home.
||Skeeter:||I've got lemonade, soft drinks, and tea. That's all I can sell until January 2nd.
||Richard:||Son of a bitch!
||Liane:||This can't be happening.
||Jimbo:||Hey, come on, guys. It's still Christmas, and we have to make the best of it. How about we all drive around a little?
||Stephen:||Oh what's the point, Jimbo? What's the point in driving now?
||[South Park, a day or two later. A childrens choir sings "Silent Night." The streets are barren - no one is driving or shopping. City Hall is shown in the background throgh a line of other buildings, with the Mayor and an aide looking out a window.]
||Mayor:||Nobody's out shopping. The town is dead. Our econoomy depends on the holidays.
||Janson:||We don't know who passed the ordinnce, Mayor, but... well, the people feel left out.
||Mayor:||There's only one thing we can do. We're going to have to ask an old friend for help... and hope that he somehow forgives us.
||[Tegridy Farms, day. The snow is thick there now. A couple of city SUVs drive up. The drives one, Stephen drives the other. Everybody gets out and walks up to Randy's door. The Mayor knocks. The door opens and everyone is a bit shocked. Randy has let his beard grow out, and it's gray and white.]
||Randy:||Hello, Mayor,... everybody. What are you doing here?
||Mayor:||Mr. Marsh, South Park needs you.
||Mayor:||Everyone's down in the dumps. Nobody's buying presents or going to holiday events.
||Richard:||People... they need some holiday spirit.
||Mayor:||We think that... a little weed might put everyone in a better mood.
||Randy:||Guys, my season is over. Tegridy Farms' season ended weeks ago.
||Mayor:||We understand, but couldn't you do like a limited-edition run just to get people through the holidays?
||Randy:||...You want me to do a... Christmas special?
||Mayor:||Yes. South Park needs Tegridy Farms.
||Stephen:||We all do, Randy.
||Randy:||But guys, look behind you. [points at the barren fields; they turn and look] The crops are dead. How am I supposed to sell weed to people now?
||Mayor:||I'll tell you how. [they turn back around] Because you're Randy Marsh, and there's one thing you have that nobody else does. Tegridy.
||Stephen:||You a-you're not gonna let a little cold weather stand in your way. Tegridy Farms is about community.
||Mrs. Tweek:||And coomunity is what matters. That's Tegridy. That's Tegridy Weed.
||Randy:||Well, you're right about that. Let me call my marijuana science specialist and.... I'll see what I can do.
||Mayor:||Thank you, Marsh. May God bless Tegridy Farms.
||[The barn at Tegridy Farms, night. The barn is ablaze in light. Towelie and Randy are in the barn. Randy paces back and forth while Towelie sits on a hay bale.]
||Towelie:||Look, I'm sorry, Randy, but marijuana just doesn't grow in the cold.
||Randy:||So we use the greenhouse. There's gotta be a way to make a christmas special. It's what everyone wants.
||Towelie:||[gets off the hay bale] Wwwait a minute. [walks off a bit] How about we repackage some of the surplus? [stands before three shalves of surplus, one for Mexican Joker, one for Halloween Special, and one for Season Finale. None of them are to be touched] I have lots of left-over Mexican Joker.
||Randy:||That's 'caue people really didn't like Mexican Joker. I'm not gonna just repackage it. That's not special.
||Towelie:||Okay, so how about we combine- what's left of the Mexican Joker with some of the Season Finale?
||Randy:||[walks off] It's just... it needs [turns around] something else. Just mixing old product together and naming it something new? That's not special. [turns around, but immiediately turns back] And it's not Tegridy! [walks to the barn entrance and leans on it] It's just not Tegridy. [looks up at the stars and focuses on a pulsar] It's gonna be your birthday soon, Jesus. I wanna make something as special as you are. [gets pensive and pumps his fist.] I just need the right idea. [the wind picks up and he looks up again. A cloud comes up and blocks the star, and snow begins to fall. Randy raises his hands palms up, not knowing how to react]
||[South Park Winter Rink. Kids ice-skate to "Blue Christmas" as the parents look on from outside the rink]
||Stephen:||I hate the holiddays.
||Linda B.:||Come on, Token! Let!s wrap it up and get out of here! [the kidd gather in front of the Christmas tree]
||Craig:||Dude, our parents seem really bummed out.
||Jimmy:||Yeah. It's like someone came and took all their Christmas ssssspirit.
||Cartman:||[skates into view.] This isn't good, you guys. You know what it means when our parents ahve no Christmas spirit? Shitty presents. We're screwed, you guys.
||Butters:||Well they just gotta get their Chritmas spirits back. They just gotta.
||Kenny:||[after a few seconds] (What's that?!) [a snow mobile is heard in the distance and it gets louder]
||Liane:||[turns around] Look. [the other adults turn around. Randy pulls up in the snow mobiile pulling a sled full of the Christmas special, and honks his horn. Towelie comes down from the top of the load as Randy steps off the mobile]
||Randy:||Well howdy there, folks.
||Randy:||Heard you were all a little down and might need a boost. [bends his arms at the elbows and swings them], so I thought I'd bring you some [removes the tarp] Christmas Snow. [the camera pans across the cargo, showing jars of Tegridy weed covered in white powder. The crowd marvels at it and gathers around] Whoa whoa, there's enough for everybody. [the adults start taking jars of the stuff and paying Towelie for it]
||Stephen:||[opens his jar and sniffs] Oh wow, this smells great!
||Thomas:||Hey, what's this white stuff on the top?
||Randy:||Just a little somethin' extra for a special kick.
||Stephen:||Well, what are we waiting for, everyone? Let's do some driving! [the adults promptly get in their cars and start driving recklessly]
||[Tegridy Farms, day.]
||Announcer:||Now, back to the Tegridy Farms Christmas Special.
||[The Mayor bangs on Randy's door. Joanson is with her. Randy answers the door and looks out]
||Randy:||Oh, hi Mayor.
||Mayor:||We need to talk, Marsh! [they head inside]
||Randy:||What's going on? Are people not liking the Christmas special so far?
||Mayor:||[eyes the weed carefully] Oh, people loooove the Christmas special. [picks up a jar] So, Marsh [turns around], what exactly is in this Christmas snow?
||Randy:||Okay, okay, look, you busted us. It's a mix of different strains of marijuana we had left over from last season. I know, it's wrong...
||Mayor:||Nonono, what is the white stuff on the marijuana?
||Randy:||Oh that? That's cocaine.
||Randy:||Yeah, I got the idea praying to Christ. You know, poweder, snow, it's what gives Christmas Snow its kick. [gives Janson and the Mayor a tour of his small operation] Getting enough cocaine was the tricky part, so we started growong our own. Turns out the coca plant is even hardier than the marijuana plant. It can grow even when we're out of season.
||Mayor:||What is wrong with you?! [Janson's jaw drops] We can't have you selling this stuff in town! COCAINE IS ILLEGAL!
||Randy:||It is?? [he and Towelie look at each other and shrug]
||Mayor:||Jesus Christ, you can't just give people coke without them knowing! We could all go to prison!
||Randy:||Hey hey, it's not a big deal. I've been through this before. [being walking away] Hang on, I'll handle it. Don't go anywhere.
||[Randy pulls away from the farm and goes to town. He stands outside a store collecting signatures to legalize cocaine. He walks around waving a "MAKE MEDICINAL COCAINE LEGAL NOW!" sign]
||Randy:||Legalize it! Legalize it!
||[He speaks before Congress, wish signs for cocaine for the terminally ill and for Alzheimers patients on either side. He opens a medicinal cocaine store and gets some news coverate. He returns to the store that started it all, with two clipboards and a sign now urging "Cocaine is for EVERYONE, not just sick people." He speaks at Coachella with a sign behind him: "THE DRUG WAR IS RACIST" He then leads a protest march]|
[He returns home, where the Mayor and Janson are still waiting, and goes inside]
|Randy:||Okay, cocaine's totally legal now.
||Mayor:||It- it is? [reads the new law]
||Randy:||Yeah, legal in seven states including this one, and other states are soon to follow. I told you. It's 2019, dawg.
||[Santa's Workshop in South Park. A line of kids and their parents wait for Santa to show up. Next, Santa takes requests from Butters]
||Butters:||I'm sorry, Santa, I just can't think of anything I want this year. Well I guess maybe now I'm losing my Christmas Spirit.
||Santa:||Well, how about a little baby Yoda doll?
||Butters:||Neah. Mandalorian was great the first few episodes, but it's really fallin' apart lately. [a car screeches offscreen, a woman screams, and a crash occurs, followed by shattering glass. Santa sets Butters down, gets up and walks forward a bit]
||Santa:||What on earth?? [his arms spread out upon closer inspection]
||Driver:||[stumbles out of his car, slurring] Me-herry Christmas.
||Santa:||What the-? How are people still drinking and driving??
||Woman:||[speaking a little quickly] Oh, they aren't drunk, Santa. Everyone's just enjoying this. [holds up a jar of Christmas Snow] Tegridy Farms Christmas Snow. It's organic, locally grown, and available now. [hands the jar to Santa]
||Townsman (voice):||It's great, Santa.
||Mr. Testaburger:||Oh, you gotta try it, Santa. It's really good.
||Townsman 3:||Yeah, try it. You gotta try it. It's amazing, Santa.
||Santa:||Marijuana? Thhis isn't what Santa meant! I got rid of liquor and now you assholes are all just getting high?! God-fucking-damnit! [smashes the jar into the ground, shattering it] Santa will just see about this! [storms off]
||[Tegridy Farms, day. Randy and Towelie are busy packaging more Christmas Snow in the living room]
||Randy:||Our Christmas special is so mamazing, I don't know how we're gonna keep up with all the demand.
||Towelie:||I know. I know. I can't print labels fast enough.
||Randy:||We need more hel. We're never gonna get enough done in time. Hey Shelley! Hey Shelley! Hey Sheley!
||Shelley:||[walks into view] What?!
||Randy:||Hey Shelley, can you help us make more labels for our Christmas special?
||Shelley:||No! I'm not helping you with your stupid blow. [walks out of view]
||Randy:||Oh great. My daughter had a marijuana problem and now she has a problem with cocaine. [hears someone hammering at his front door] Ah. Must be more customers. [opens the door to see a man hammering a chain and sign across the entrance, same as the chain and sign at Foor 4 Little] What the hell is this?
||Worker:||New ordinance's been passed by the county. No maijuana sales till after the holidays.
||Randy:||Heheey, fuck you. Who has that kind of power?
||Worker:||Look, I just do what I'm told, man. Happy holidays. [turns and walks down the steps and away] Hey, but eh, you can't do this. [closes the door and tells Towelie] They just dshut down our business.
||Towelie:||What are you talking about?
||Randy:||We can't sell marijuana during the holidays.
||Towelie:||Whta are we gonna do?
||Randy:||[walks off a bit] We can't give up on the Christmas special. People need it. I think I know a way around this.
||[Tegridy Weed commercial, winter holiday version]
||Announcer 2:||[shots of Tegridy Farms in winter] There's somethin' 'bout the holiday season. [Towelie sits on the Tegridy Farms sign holding a candy cane with a bow on it, and waves at the camera.] Folks seem a little nicer. The days, a little more special. [a shot of a small gathering for a meal] And sometimes we all need a little pick-me-up without any added ingredients. [a shot of marijuana-free Christmas Snow] Introducing marijuana-free Christmas Snow from Tegridy Farms. [Randy pours out the blow in two lines on the dining table] All the festive snow you love, without that pesky marijuana. [Randy looks out over his fields and rests on a fense post] Because there's nothin' like a warm fire, holiday presents, [Randy is out in the field, grinning and licking his teeth.] and a little Rocky Mountain cocaine. [a couple of shots of couples sharing gifts] During Christmas, don't you want your cocaine to be organic, pure, and locally-grown? [four women throw confetti in the air, followd by a shot of someone snorting coke, then someone cutting it to their desired amount] Cocaine that's grown locally has never been smuggled, so the only ass it's gonna be up is yours. [another couple trades gifts, then the montage ends with a jar of Christmas Smow] Marijuana-free Christmas Snow, now available from Tegridy Farms. It's cocaine that's farm to nostril.
||[A shot of driving habits under this drug. Then, a shot of the boys sitting on the steps in front of City Hall watching it all]
||Cartman:||Boy, people sure have the holiday spirit now.
||Kyle:||Yeah, what the hell happened?
||Jimmy:||It's weird, though. My parents have a lot of holiday spirit, but they sleep until three in the afternoon evey day.
||Craig:||Yeah. Last night, my mom had a ton of holiday spirit and then passed out. She hasn't gone to buy me any presents.
||Cartman:||Butters, your mom has so much holiday spirit that she's riding an ATV with her tits out. [Butters' jaw drops as he sees his mom approaching the boys doing that that.]
||Linda S.:||Christmas. Woo-oo-ooo.
||Butters:||Yeah, that's a little too much holiday spirit, if you ask me.
||[Town Square, day. Randy has a booth set up, ""Tegridy Farms Marijuana-Free Christmas Snow. He and Towelie are taking orders from two lines of people]
||Randy:||There you are, ma'am. There you are, sir. This is amazing, Towelie. Tegridy Farms is finally gonna make all the money I ever dreamed of.
||Santa:||[shwoing up] What the Sam Hell is going on here?! [the clients begin answering. Santa takes a jar from one of them] Marijuana-free Christmas Snow? Do you realize that tomorrow is Christmas Eve?!
||Stephen:||And it's gonna be the best Christmas ever! [the sound of wheels screeching is heard, and all turn to see what it is. A woman is heard screaming, then the impact, then shattering glass. Then cheers as two wrecked cars are shown, the drivers clearly under the influence]
||Female Driver:||Happy holidays! Woo!
||[The rooftops, night. Santa slinks from house to house, going down chimneys and confiscating the jars of Christmas Snow. The first house he visits has a table with a jar of coke, six lines of coke, two razor blades, a straw made from a dollar bill, and a small mound of coke on it. He takes it all and swipes it into his sack. Next he visits the Stotch house, into the master bedroom, looks in Linda's nightstand and removes two tiny packets of coke, then takes a jar from the Christmas tree and another jar from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He goes to Mackey's bed and takes the jar from Maackey's hands while Mackey sleeps. Mackey has some coke on his nostrils, but Santa leaves that alone. Santa then goes to the Broflovski house and takes the jars from the tree. He notices Ike looking on, gives him some milk, and sends him back upstaris. He swipts a bunch of coke in baggies off a table, takes a jar from another tree, then reaches Tegridy Farms itself. He goes to the ban and puts every jar he sees into his sack. He throws the sack onto his sleigh and urges the reindeer to get moving.]
||Santa:||Santa to base, come in.
||Elf:||This is base. Go ahead, Santa.
||Santa:||Sleigh is too loaded down to fly. Gonna have to take the roads until I can find a place to dump all this blow. [hears Randy honking behind him and turns to make sure]
||Randy:||[coming up fast on his snowmobile] Hold on tight, Towelie! We have to save Christmas! [Santa faces forward and brings down the whip on the reindeer a few times. The race is on. Santa looks over his shoulder, then notices something ahead]
||Santa:||Oh shit! [runs through a guard rail and over a cliff.] Ho ho ho!
||Randy:||O-ho! [follows Santa over the cliff] Ohhhhh!
||[South Park, day. Stephen looks around for his Christma Snow in the bathroom]
||Stephen:||The hell is...? Did you do all my marijuana-free Christmas snow?
||Linda:||[appears at the bathroom door] I was just gonna ask you the same thing.
||Stephen:||What are you talking about?
||Linda:||Mine's all gone. You had another bander last night, didn't you?
||Stephen:||No! [points at her] Clearly you did!
||[The Tucker house. Thomas hears some pouding at his door and goes to answer it and sees Stephen and Linda.]
||Stephen:||Thomas, we were just wondering if we could borrow a little Christmas Snow.
||Thomas:||You can't find yours either?? My wife's been searching all morning. [in the kitchen, Laura dumps the trash onto the floor and starts looking through it]
||Laura:||The trash. We must have thrown it in the trash. It has to be here somewhere.
||[Eventually, all the residents gather in the street and chat about the missing Snow]
||Bob:||Alright listen. Somebody obviously took everyone else's snow amd it's not cool! Come on. it's Christmas!
||Steve:||Somebody has to have a little. I feel like total shit.
||Mr. Mackey:||It's gone, okay?! Just face it, it's all gone!
||[The cliff bottom, day. Santa looks through the wreckage that was his sleigh.]
||Santa:||[to the head elf] This is Santa. The sleigh still isn't functional. Got some of it repaired, but I don't think I'm gonna make it back in timem for Christmas. [Randy appears behind him and walks up]
||Randy:||Hey Santa. We need to talk.
||Santa:||Stay back, mutherfucker!
||Randy:||Santa, you don't understand.
||Santa:||Oh, Santa understands plenty! You assholes drink and drive and you think marijuana is somehow different, go driving around on that, and then you go nand make this shit!
||Randy:||Santa, that's not just cocaine. It's Tegridy cocaine.
||Santa:||Oh, don't give Santa that! Coke is coke! [turns away]
||Randy:||That's not true! This cocaine is grown locally. By local people. Please, just try it!
||Santa:||Santa's done coke before. Santa knows what-
||Randy:||Please! [Santa pauses, takes a dash of coke, and sniffs t]
||Santa:||It's, it's cocaine. Just like every other cocaine Santa's ever tried. You people really think that the holidays are- Okay, yeah, that's pretty good. But it doesn't matter! Because Christmas is a- Wow, that is really clean.
||Santa:||It's like not speedy at all. It's really mellow. [walks to a log and sits down] Honestly, I didn't think cocaine could be this pure, wow.
||Randy:||[joins him] Because it's grown here. On a farm. It's not cut with any nasty chemicals or harmful impurities. [hands Santa a metal sheet and a thin pipe]
||Santa:||No, you can tell. It's really clean. Santa likey. [sniffs up some more coke] Maybe I have been a little too old-fashioned in my thinking.
||Jesus:||I can't believe what I'm hearing! [they look up and see Jesus approaching]
||Jesus:||I have heard your prayers, Marsh! And I've been watching. You want people to think that home-grown cocaine is the same as liegalizing marijuana?
||Santa:||Jesus, you really gotta try it.
||Santa:||You cut out the middle man, nobody dies in South America, nobody dies from impurities [sniff].
||Jesus:||[Takes a tray and straw, and sniffs the coke.] Okay, I get it. It's really clean. It's... yeah. It's a good high.
||Santa:||It's fucking pure.
||Jesus:||Well, maybe we all do need a lttle Tegridy at Chrstmastime. [walks up to the sleigh]
||Santa:||What are you doing, Jesus?
||Jesus:||I think it's time for a little Christmas miracle. [lifts out three sacks of Christmas Snow and disperses the snow all over town. Adults begin noticing the blow and tasting it.]
||Townsman 4:||[tastes the blow settling on his hand] Hey. Hey. Hey, everybody!
||Mr. Mackey:||[in the town square] Try to catch some on your tongue. It's fun.
||Cartman:||Does this mean you all have the Christmas spirit again?
||Stephen:||You're darn tootin' we do!
||Randy:||Hey guys, I'm so happy my Christmas Special turned out okay.
||Santa:||It's more than okay. Tegridy cocaine is snooth and has a great finish.
||Jesus:||I'll bet when coke becomes legal soon, everyone will want Tegridy Cocaine!
||Stephen:||Well, only one thing left to do, gang. Let's go driving!
||All:||Yeah! [they get into their cars and start driving recklessly again]
||Announcer 2:||All-natural Tegridy Cocaine. Endorsed and approved by Santa Claus. Available soon at a store near you.
||[End of Christmas Snow.]