Mitgeschrieben und dem Planearium zur Verfügung gestellt von Willie Westwood (South Park Scriptorium)

Episode 312 - KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery


Nibblet, the Chicken From Outer Space
Pirate Ghosts, by Fr. Maxi
Three Fifth Graders
A Dog
Liane Cartman
Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
Randy and Sharon Marsh
The Corpse of Cleo Broflovski
Fr. Maxi
Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat
Jimbo Kern and Ned Gerblansky
Dr. Spookalot, Spooky Laboratory Guide
The Mt. Peaceful Watchmen
Wendy, cameo appearance

[A bustling scene on a dock. A large lake is behind the dock, a stage is off to the left, and the whole place is being dressed for Halloween. Beyond the lake, a lighthouse looks over the scene. At center is a booth for a radio station. The camera moves in]
DJ:[with classic 1970's big hair] We're here live at the KOZY 102.1 Hallween Haunt at the South Park docks! Come on down! We've got a haunted house [Chef finished pinning a banner on the top right corner of the stage] and everyone is decorating for tomorrow night, [one man pins a rubber bat to a shack roof, another walks past with a jack-o-lantern] HALLOWEEN, when the band KoRn, that's right, KoRn, is going to play live! And don't forget to wear a costume tomorrow, because there's a big first prize! Why, here's some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt now! [Kenny, Kyle, and Stan walk past, but turn to face the DJ] Say boys, what do you think of KOZY-FM's Halloween Haunt so far? [lowers the boom mic to Stan]
Stan:This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt. [turns and walks away with Kyle and Kenny]
DJ:Uh-hall right! Well, enjoy the spooky docks, kids.
[Further down the dock. The boys keep walking, and Cartman runs up to meet them]
Cartman:Hey you guys! [they stop] You know what time of year it is?
Kyle:Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.
Cartman:That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry—
Cartman:—Christmastime is presents for me.
[On another part of the dock, Jimbo and Ned leave a ticket booth]
Jimbo:Aw, nuts! Come on, Ned, this ain't no whore house, it's a hor-ROR house.
Guests in line:Awwww! [all leave. The boys walk by]
Cartman:Eeyyy [Kyle stops, the others walk away], Spooky Laboratory, you guys. ["THIS WAY TO SPOOKY LABORATORY" The entrance doors are stained with blood]
Kyle:[annoyed] Those things are stupid, Cartman. They just stick your hand in cold spaghetti and tell you it's intestines and stuff.
Cartman:Well, I'm going to Spooky Laboratory! [throws open the doors and enters] Jingle Bells, Jimgle Bells…
Guide:Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of lime Jell-o cubes]
Dr. Spookalot:[helps him up to a chair] Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
Cartman:[rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ewww-hoohooo.
Dr. Spookalot:[switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.
Cartman:[rolls his fingers through the lime Jell-o cubes] Oh-HO, grohoss.
Dr. Spookalot:[leads him to an ass] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body [Cartman reaches into the ass's ass and the ass looks surprised]
Cartman:Eewww, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk past a shack on which hangs a banner: "COSTUME CONTEST TOMORROW"]
Kenny:(You guys, I'm gonna try and win that costume contest!)
Kyle:[two older boys peek out from behind some boxes, then drop down] Give it up, Kenny! You're not gonna win that costume contest! Your costumes always suck. [the boy with his picture on the shirt pops out and faces them]
Boy in Green Shirt:BOO!
Stan, Kyle, Kenny:Aaaaah! [they turn and run around in circles]
Boy in Green Shirt:Ha ha ha ha ha! We scared you, chickens!
Stan:W-we weren't scared!
Boy in Green Shirt:Oh no? Well, you should be! [walks towards them] The pirate ghosts are gonna come getcha!
Kyle:The what?
Boy in Green Shirt:Didn't you know? There's an old legend in South Park that says these docks are haunted by pirate ghosts.
Boy in Green Shirt:Yuh-huh. They roam these docks with their swords and hook-hands [molds his left hand into a hook] looking for victims tuh… [swipes it through the air] cut up!
Kenny:[Kyle gasps] (Hoh!)
Stan:That's just an old legend.
Pirate Ghost cutout:[pops up] Rar!
Stan, Kyle, Kenny:Aaaaah! [they turn and run around in circles]
Boy in Green Shirt:[the cutout drops to reveal another friend] Ha ha ha ha, gotcha again, heh ha ha! [both his friends flank him now] Just wait till tomorrow! We're gonna scare you kids to death! Ha ha ha haa! [the three move away]
Cartman:[arrives] You guys, my hand totally smells like spaghetti now. Smell it. [starts sniffing it]
Stan:I'm sick of those fifth graders scaring us all the time! We should come up with a way to scare them!
Kyle:Yeah! Let's see how they like it!
[The KOZY-FM booth. The DJ is joined by the town's priest]
DJ:Joining me now is Father Maxi, from the South Park Church. Father, what do you think of all the preparations here at the docks?
Fr. Maxi:Halloween is an abomination of God! A celebration of the occult-eh!
DJ:Yeah, and how about KoRn playing the big concert tomorrow? Pretty exciting, huh?
Fr. Maxi:KoRn is a devil-worshipping group that plays violent music! If we allow that demon band to play on this most unholy of holidays, we may incur the full wrath of evil!
DJ:Alriight, we'll see you tomorrow for Halloween! In the meantime [suddenly soft] here's a KOZY hit by Barry Manilow.
[The lake. The boys are still on the docks…]
Stan:Come on, you guys, think! How can we scare the fifth graders? It has to be something reeaally scary.
Cartman:We could get a big scary plastic spider, and dangle it in front of them on a string… s- spooky spider, that's pretty scary.
Kyle:That's not scary, fatass!
Stan:Well, come on! We can think of something better than stupid pirate ghosts! [all turn left and walk off. As they walk towards the shore, they pass a shack. After they pass, three pirate ghosts peek out from behind the shack, scowling]
Pirate Ghosts:Darrrr!
[The woods. A van rumbles down a road. On the side it reads, "KoRn." Several men inside it talk]
Jonathan:Are you sure we're goin' the right way?
David:I don't know. This map doesn't make any sense.
Head:That's because you've got it upside down, chowderhead! [canned laughter]
David:[spins the map around and realizes his error] Oops.
Fieldy:When are we gonna get to the gig? I'm starving.
Jonathan:Don't think about it. We'll just keep playing our game. Raady? I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter T!
Munky:I know! A t-ree!
Jonathan:You've got it. I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter R.
David:A road?
Jonathan:That's it! [they pass the South Park Docks sign, and then the three pirate ghosts show up to watch]
[further down the road…]
Jonathan:Okay, here's one. I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter P.
Head:The letter P?
Fieldy:What the heck starts with the letter P?
Jonathan:[trembling] Puh-pirate ghosts! [the ghosts appear in front of the van]
All:Aaaaah! [the van swerves left to avoid the ghosts, but ends up going over a hillside. It finally settles upside down at the foot of the hill]
[The Cartman house. Cartman walks towards the sofa with a catalog in hand]
Cartman:Mom! You got the new Duffy's catalog! I-I'm gonna circle everything I want for Christmas, okay? Mom? Okay? O-kay [sits on the sofa], let's see. [softly] I waant… thiis… aand… this… [a truck] and… [flips the page] let's see, comes with so… [the Phillip doll. The doorbell rings] …comes with two bars [circles the boxed doll], so there we go, have that… [a door opens in the background] and, let's see…
Liane:[walks up to him] Eric, your little friends are here.
Cartman:[excited, motions with the catalog] Mom, mom! You wanna see what I want for Christmas?
Liane:E-heric, it's only Halloween.
Cartman:That's only 72 shopping days left for you!
Stan:[walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fatass, we have to go!
Cartman:Ey! Don't call me fat! [Liane starts to giggle. Cartman is hurt] Mom, don't laugh.
Liane:I'm sorry, hon,
Cartman:[to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.
Stan:Yes you can, porky. [Liane giggles again]
Cartman:Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]
Liane:Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, his big-boned.
Kyle:He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Liane bursts out laughing]
Cartman:God-damnit, mom!
[Outside, night. The boys head out and away]
Cartman:[closes the door] God, I hate you guys!
Stan:Okay, so we figured out how to scare the fifth graders.
Stan:What's the scariest thing we could get?
Cartman:[quietly] Spooky spider?
Stan:No! [turns, then says gravely] A dead body.
Kyle:Yeah, fatass, a dead body.
Cartman:You mean, we make something that looks like a dead body?
Stan:We could never make one that looks real enough. [his voice lowers] To be really scary, it would have to be real.
Kyle:Yeah, fatass, it has to be real to be scary!
Cartman:So where the hell are we going to get a dead body?
Stan:[voice low] We're gonna dig up Kyle's dead grandma.
Kyle:Yeah, fatass, we're goona dig up- [stops] Dig up Kyle's dead grandma??
Stan:[appeasing] Dude, she's perfect. She only died, like, three months ago, right?
Kyle:Are you insane?!
Cartman:U-hi think that's a sweet idea!
Kyle:Dude! We'er not digging up my grandma; I'll get in trouble.
Stan:All we have to do is sneak in the graveyard, dig her up, scare the fifth graders, then put her back before anyone notices she's gone,
Kyle:[uneasy] Naww, let's dig up somebody else.
Stan:Relax, dude. What's the big deal? Think about it: if your grandma knew that she could help you, even in death, she would want to.
Cartman:This is gonna be fun!
[The graveyard. Spooky music and a howling wolf punctuate the foggy atmosphere as a full moon rises. Kyle leads the way with a flashlight. Cartman is singing]
Cartman:Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-in', ring ting tingle-in' too
Outside it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
, and you, and you.
Stan:Cartman, will you stop singing Christmas carols? We have to be quiet, or else we're gonna get busted!
Kyle:[shines his light on a tombstone] This must be it. "Cleo Broflovski" That's my grandma. [turns off the light. The boys have a moment of silence]
Stan:Well, let's dig 'er up! [walks to the grave and jabs his shovel in]
Kyle:Wait. I don't know if this is cool.
Stan:Of course it's cool! She's gonna be all rotted and scary!
Kyle:I don't think my mom would want me doin' this.
Cartman:[taunting] "Ooh, I don't wanna dig up my dead grandma 'cause I'm such a goody-two-shoes!" [Kyle smacks him with the shovel] Ow.
Stan:You guys be quiet! Now, do you wanna get back at the fifth graders or not?!
Kyle:I don't really care, dude.
Stan:Yes you do! Now, dig! [all four begin to dig]
Cartman:Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, "You-hoo"…
[Later. The casket is now vertical, leaning against the tombstone]
Stan:Okay. It's almost open. Ready? One, two, three! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.
Kyle:Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, …Grandma.
A voice:Hi, Kyle.
Kyle:[hops back] Aaaah!
Cartman:[providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?
Kyle:Damnit, Cartman, that's not funny!
Stan:[chuckling] Eheh, yes, it ihis, heh.
Cartman:Heh heh, I'm sweet.
Kyle:Alright, alright, let's get this over with so we can put her back!
Stan:Okay, grab the sled. [Kenny goes and pulls it up. The others stand aside. When the sled abuts the casket, Cartman pulls at the corpse with his shovel, and it falls forward onto the sled]
[The docks. A dog is sniffing at the boards, then raises his head. He growls and runs off stage left. The boys come in from the other side pulling the corpse, and Cartman sings]
Cartman:Silver Bells, Silver Bells, it's Christmas time in the city…
Stan:Okay. Let's just hide her here, and tomorrow, during the Halloween party, we'll come back in our costumes and use her to scare the fifth graders.
Kyle:How exactly are we gonna use her to scare them?
Cartman:We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm scary Grandma!"
Kyle:Alright, that does it, Cartman! That's my grandma! You show her some God-damned respect!
Male voice:[off screen] O-o-o-o-oh. [thunderclaps. The boys are afraid.]
Stan:Who was that?
Cartman:It wasn't me! [camera pans to the corpse]
Male voice:Who-o-oa.
Stan:Dude, not cool. This is scary. [Some rustling, and a member of KoRn shows up]
The Boys:Wa-a-a-ah!
Munky:Hey! Like, it's just some kids.
Jonathan:Oh, fwooh, I was really scared there, for a second.
Stan:Hay, you're that band KoRn.
Jonathan:Yeah. I'm Jonathan [with the high forehead], and this is Munky [with chiseled looks], David [with thick eyebrows], Fieldy [short, with white cap], and Head [with dreadlocks]. And over there is our pal, Nibblet. [the mates look around] Hey, where'd Nibblet go?
Nibblet:[a yellow bird with curled antennae and a great wing span ripping into a bag of chips] Uh-huh, Nibblet likes potato chips.
Nibblet:[stops] Okay.
Stan:What are you guys doing out here?
Head;We were just driving our van when all of a sudden we were run off the road by some super-spooky pirate ghosts.
Stan:Aw, dude, that was just the fifth graders.
Kyle:Yeah. They're tryin' to scare everybody 'cause they're gay wads.
Stan:Don't worry. We're about to go get 'em back.
Jonathan:Oh, swell. We're supposed to play here tomorrow. Do you know where the stage is?
Stan:[points to it] Yeah, dude. It's right over there.
KoRn:O-kay! [they walk away and pass by the priest, who is nailing a post into place: "Halloween is Anti-God." He stops.]
Jonathan:Oh, hi. We're KoRn. We're supposed to play the Halloween concert tomorrow.
Fr. Maxi:I know who you are and what you stand for! I think your music and Halloweenn is an abomination!
Jonathan:Groovy! Could you show us where to set up?
[The boys walk a little further, and Cartman pulls the sled over to one side of a stack of boxes]
Stan:Alright, let's just set her over here behind these boxes. [Cartman hides the body behind the boxes]
Kyle:Shouldn't we hide her better than that?
Stan:Kyle, will you stop worrying? God! Now, we'll all be back here tomorrow with our costumes, and then, when the Halloween party gets going, we'll bust out dead Grandma! Let's go! [they start walking away]
Kyle:Wait till you guys see my costume! It's gonan be sweet!
Kenny:(Mine is so fuckin' badass it's gotta win now!)
Cartman:Oh, come on, Kenny! You never have a sweet costume! You're not gonna win the costume contest!
Kenny:(Yes I am! I've got the costume; it's waiting in the house! Yesterday I got this huge package in the mail, and it was big, okay?) [The dog returns and sniffs the body from a distance. It approaches slowly, sniffing. Then it lifts the covering and drags the body away.]
[The next day. Two uniformed men approach the Broflovski house. One of them rings the bell.]
Sheila:Hold on, kids. [grabs the candy bowl next to the door and opens the door with it in hand]
Brunet:Mrs. Broflovski?
Brunet:We're from Mt. Peaceful Cemetery. Could we have a word with you?
Sheila:Eehh, sure, come in. [they follow her in and sit on the sofa. She takes the armchair, and they look at each other] What is it?
Brunet:Ms. Broflovski… somebody has defiled your mother's grave.
Sheila:Defiled? How?
Blond:Well, I'm afraid that… somebody dug her up.
Sheila:Dug her up? Why??
Brunet:Well. Theh- most likely reason is that… somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
Brunet:Uhuh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.
Blond:Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.
Sheila:Hoh, dear God!
Brunet:Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
Sheila:[sadly rubs her eyes] Oooh.
Blond:No-, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.
Sheila:[helplessly] O-o-o-o-oh!
Brunet:Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
Blond:Brace yourself.
Brunet:It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like — an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably-
Sheila:Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're gonna do about it!
Blond:Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.
Brunet:Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna call the police or something.
Sheila:O-o-ogh! [gets up and walks away. The men just sit there]
Brunet:[to the blond] Now, he probably would make love to the dead body in a cool dry place, so as not to allow further decomposition. [the blond indicates he's thinking by placing his index finger to his lips]
[The Cartman house. A delivery man walks towards it with a package and rings the bell. Cartman answers]
Delivery Man:Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman?
Cartman:A package? Oh, really? Well, I think I can sign for that!
Delivery Man:Sign heah, and heah, and heah. [Cartman signs and the delivery man goes away. Cartman closes the door and dances with glee]
Cartman:I got a Christmas present! I got a Christmas present! [stops] …Maybe I can see what it is. I'll just open one little corner. [lifts up a corner of the wrapping] Let's see here. [yanks the wrapping off and away] That's good, I'll rewrap it later! [the box reads, "LIFESIZED Blow-Up ANTONIO BANDERAS LOVE DOLL. WITH REALISTIC GENITALIA"] Oh, sweet! Life-sized blow-up Antonio Banderas love doll! With realistic geni-ta-lia. [takes the doll out] Oh, this kicks ass! What a cool Christmas present my mom got! [blows it up through the penis]
[The lake. The docks are bustling again, and the DJ is in his booth]
DJ:It's Halloween day, so come on down to the docks and bring your costumes! [a ghost and Ultraman walk by while a joker stands next to the boxes. Stan and Kyle are nearby in their costumes]
Stan:[a cowboy sheriff in white] Where's Kenny? He said he had the best Halloween costume ever. [Kyle is a clown in a yellow jacket]
Cartman:[walks up with the doll and jingles] Nyah nyahnyahnyah nyah nyah. Guess wha-at I got? Antonio Banderas blow-up doll. You guys didn't get one.
Stan:Where's your costume, fatass?
Cartman:Screw Halloween, I already got my Christmas present! In a few days I'll wrap it back up, and then when I open it on Christmas, I'll act all, like, surprised, like "Oh Mother, Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll! What a surprise!" [heavy machinery is heard, and the boys look up to see an ED-209 unit walking towards them. It stops, turns, and settles into place]
Stan:Hey, Kenny.
Kenny:(Hey, guys. Uh, check out this kick-ass cool costume.)
Cartman:U-huh, nice costume, Kenny. If you think you're gonna win with that, huh!
Stan:[rushes his friends along] Alright. The fifth graders are gonna be here soon. Let's get Kyle's grandma! [Cartman goes for the sled] This is gonna be sweet
Cartman:[pulls out the sled, but the body is gone] Uuh, problem, guys.
Stan:What's the problem?
Cartman:Nno Grandma.
Kyle:No Grandma??
Cartman:Nno Grandma.
Kyle:[turns and reaches the sled. Stan turns as well] She's not here!
Stan:She has to be here! [Kenny meanders]
Kyle:Well, she's not here! That's just great! Thanks a lot, Stan! You're gonna get me busted again!
[City Hall, outside. Officer Barbrady stands behind a podium addressing the crowd]
Barbrady:Okay, people. I know we all want to get down to the docks for the Halloween Haunt, but first we just need to inform you about thee- people or persons out there digging up bodies to have sex with them. Gentlemen? [leaves. The watchmen step up]
Brunet:Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. A person who steals bodies to have sex with them is called a necrophiliac. So that you all know what to expect, my partner Alan has a sketch of what having sex with a dead body might look like. [Alan shows the sketch]
Brunet:Yes, we know it's horrible. It's probably best you not look at it. Now, Alan will demostrate what having sex with a dead body might sound like. [Alan pulls out a jar of mayonnaise and jams his fist into it, proceeding to simulate the act. He begins to look surprised at what he's doing as his arm gets covered with mayonnaise]
Crowd:Awwwgh! [Alan continues]
Man:Excuse me, how is this helping?
Barbrady:That's it, folks. Now, we can all go to the docks and enjoy the Halloween Haunt.
Pirate voice:Noo! Don't go to the docks! [the camera looks up to see a pirate ghost floating outside the Mayor's office] Aarrrgh! [the crowd gasps and screams] Argh, I'm Captain Bly! You land-lubbers had better stay away from the docks! Or else, there'll be hell to pay! [the crowd is afraid. Women scream] Fire the cannon! [a pirate ship appears high above the road, and a cannon goes off. The ball lands amid the crowd and leaves a crater. Bodies are strewn all over] Har harharharhar! [the crowd disperses. A couple runs into another pirate ghost]
Pirate Ghost 2:Arrrgh! [slices their heads off with his sword]
Captain Bly:We won't warn ya again! Stay away from our docks! [the pirates and their ship disappear]
Fr. Maxi:[rushed to the podium] I warned you! I told you this would happen! [survivors sit up and begin to look his way] When you allow bands like KoRn to come to town and play your hedonistic Hallowen concerts, this is what you get!
[The docks. KoRn is practicing on stage.]
Jonathan:Great rehearsal, gang. That was really groovy. Let's practice one more time before the show starts.
DJ:Aah, guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween Haunt's been cancelled.
DJ:You best clear out of here! There's pirate ghosts, and they'll kill you. [leaves]
Jonathan:Well gang, it looks like we have to pack it up.
The Others:Awww. [Stan and friends walk towards the stage]
Kyle:God-damnit! Now, what the hell are we gonna do?!
Munky:Oh, hey! The kids from last night.
Head:Wow! Is that the Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll? [Kenny catches up with his friends]
David:Hey, Kenny.
Kenny:[frustrated] (Aw, man!) [he can't impress anyone]
Jonathan:Say, what's the matter? You kids look kind of glum.
Kyle:Somebody took my dead grandma.
Stan:We dug her up 'cause we wanted to scare the fifth graders, but then, something took her body away.
Kyle:Now she's doomed to walk the earth in limbo. [starts to sob]
Fieldy:Aw, I hate to see little clowns cry.
Jonathan:Well, that does it. Somethin' funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.
David:They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.
David:"Pirate ghost" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate.
Munky:No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates.
Fieldy:You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact.
Jonathan:But that makes them pirate ghosts.
David:No. It makes them ghost pirates.
Munky:Pirate ghosts!
Head:Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.
Jonathan:Pirate ghosts.
Kyle:Then, you'll help us?
Jonathan:Sure, we'll help you. If there's one thing we like more than playing music, it's solvin' a groovy mystery.
The Boys:Al-right!
[City Hall. People are still laying on floor. Chef arrives]
Chef:Is everybody okay?
Sheila:[people gather around Chef] People stealing bodies to have sex with them? Pirate ghosts destroying the town? When did everything go so wrong?
Gerald:I hate to say it, but I think Priest Maxi was right. This is what we get for celebrating Halloween and allowing that band KoRn to come play.
Mr. Garrison:He's right! Nothin' ever went wrong in this town before that evil KoRn band showed up.
Sharon:Well, I say we go find them and kick their devil-worshipping butts out of town!
Crowd:Yeah! [various exclamations follow]
Randy:Lynch mob! [torches and pitch forks appear and the crowd begins to move]
Man:Down with KoRn!
[Halloween night, the docks. KoRn and the boys are still talking…]
Jonathan:So this is where you last saw your dead grandma.
Kyle:Right. [Kenny walks along the shore way in the background]
Stan:Maybe there really are pirate ghosts and they took her inside.
Jonathan:Alright, gang, we have to split up and look for clues.
Stan:How should we split up?
Jonathan:I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life, which they can overcome, go this way, [points to his right] and everyone whose insecurities sabotage their potential to overcome those obstacles go that way. [points to his left]
KoRn:O-kay! [the groups separates in two. In the secure group are Stan, Kyle, Jonathan, Munky, and Fieldy. In the insecure group are Cartman, Kenny, David, and Head]
Kyle:Wow! That was easy.
[The lynch mob reaches the docks and head for the van. Randy reaches it first.]
Randy:[excitedly] Here's their van! Here's their van!
Woman:Let's flip it over!
Soem Folks:Yeah!
Barbrady:[moves to intervene] Okay, people, let's try to stay orderly. The best way to do this is, all get on one side and push it from the top. [the crowd moves in and starts pushing. Even Barbrady participates]
Man:Devil woshippers! [the van tips over]
Man 2:Come on, they gotta be around here somewhere!
[A warehouse. The secure group walks along with Nibblet. Munky is not with them.]
Stan:This place gives me the creeps.
Jonathan:Say, this looks like a clue. [picks up a book: "Pirate Lore of South Park, By A.R.R. Robbins"] "Pirate Lore of South Park." Hmmm. Now, why would pirate ghosts need a book on pirates? [something metallic falls]
Kyle:Whoa. What was that?
Jonathan:The noise came from in here. Stay close, everybody! [opens a door and goes in. The rest follow]
Fieldy:[runs into a supporting pole] Oh, no! I lost my glasses.
[The insecure group walks in a darkened part of the warehouse. Munky is in that group now.]
Head:What does this dead grandma look like?
Cartman:Uh, she was all, like, crunchy and crispy and stuff.
David:Hey, I got an idea. [all stop] We should set a groovy trap.
Munky:Good idea.
Cartman:How do we trap a bunch of pirate ghosts?
David:We need something that might catch their eye to use as bait. I know, your Antonio Banderas love doll.
Cartman:[holds the doll tight] Oh, no! This is my Christmas present! If anything happens to it, my mom will know I opened it early!
Munky:Come on, kid. We all have to do our part, even Antonio.
[The lit side of the warehouse. Fieldy is still looking for his glasses]
Fieldy:My glasses gotta be around here somewhere. [a peg-legged pirate ghost appears next to him] Is that you, Jonathan? Boy, I'm glad to see you. I lost my glasses.
Fieldy:Hey, you got a cold, Jonathan?
Peg-leg:Raarraarrgh! [canned laughter]
Fieldy:Yeah, that sounds like a groovy song, man! Remember that one! [more canned laughter]
Jonathan:[from the other end of the room] Fieldy, what are you doing?!
Fieldy:[turns to face him] Oh, I was talking to you, Jonathan. …Hey, wait a minute. If you're over there, then how could you be over here? Unless you're actually a…
All:Puh-puuhh pirate ghost! [all scatter]
[The darkened part of the warehouse. The trap is set]
David:Okay. Here's how the trap will work. When the pirate ghosts walk in, they should go right for Antonio Banderas. [the camera now follows the trap as David describes it] When they hit the super-slippery floor, they'll slide onto this mining cart, which should travel down this path, into the next room, where the fish net will fall on them.
Cartman:Wow, cool!
Munky:Hey! Somebody's coming. [eveyone jumps back behind some boxes]
Secure Group:Aaaaah!
Stan:We've got to hide!
Jonathan:Hey, there's Antonio Banderas! He'll help us. [calls out] Mr. Banderas!
David:[peeks up] Jonathan, no!
Secure group:[hits the slick] Aaaah! [the trap works exactly as David said it would]
Head:Oh, no!
Secure group:Aaaah! [the cart hits the wall and stops. The insecure group rushes in]
David:Hold on, guys! [the lynch mob, led by the watchmen, bursts through the doors and moves in on the group]
Brunet:Alright, KoRn, time for you to get out of town! [the pirate ghosts appear]
Pirate Ghosts:Aarrrrgh.
Crowd:[frightened] Aaaaaah!
Randy:KoRn is sending their demon minions upon us!
Crowd:[shrieking] Aaaaaah!
Jonathan:[to his band mates] Alright, gang. Looks like we're gonna have to use our special KoRn powers. [the five members huddle and link hands to forearms] KoRn powers, vitalize! [starbursts abound as each member transforms]
KoRn:Form of… CORN! [final starbursts give way to various corn products: two corncobs, a tub of popcorn, a can of creamed corn, and one corn kernel. The tub of popcorn swells and spits out several popped kernels. The townsfolk just stare and the corn products stay still. The pirates are seen staring. Soon, the products revert to the band mates]
Jonathan:Alright! Great job, gang! [The townsfolk stare]
Cartman:That didn't help at all.
Head:We know. It's just cool to do.
Pirate Ghosts:Aarrrrgh!
Nibblet:[floating up to release the net] Nibblet! [releases the net, and it lands on the pirate ghosts]
KoRn:[grateful] Nibblet!
Barbrady:What the hell is that thing??
David:You did it, Nibblet! You trapped them!
Jonathan:[approaches the net] Yeah. And now let's see who these pirate ghosts really are! [the ghosts disappear, and he throws his palms up] Oh, I guess they really were pirate ghosts.
Barbrady:[approaches with gun drawn] Alright, KoRn, you can stop your demonic shenanigans and come downtown with me!
Nibblet:[notices some twine hanging from two trap doors on the ceiling] Hehey, look what Nibblet sees. [pulls on the twine, and the doors open. Priest Maxi falls to the ground]
Fr. Maxi:Whoa! [lands with a thud]
Chef:What the…?
Man:Fr. Maxi?
Fr. Maxi:[gets up] Well, what are you waiting for, Barbrady?! Arrest that band!
Jonathan:No! Arrest him!
Jonathan:I think I've got this groovy mystery solved!
[Outside. The mystery has apparently been explained. The priest is now under arrest]
Chef:Well, I must say I still don't get this at all.
Jonathan:It's simple. Priest Maxi didn't want there to be a Halloween, so he decided to scare everyone away from the docks.
David:Yeah. And then he used this flashlight and some cotton swabs to create the ghosts. [shows the flashlight and swabs, then shines the light through the swabs. The pirate ghosts appear in the distance]
Fieldy:[with some cheese and a cup] Then all he needed was some sound effects created by this cup and a piece of cheese. [holds them to his mouth and sounds] Aaaaraargh!
Jonathan:And all he had to do then was create a ghost ship, by using some candles, a mirror, and two squirrels. [genuflects to place the candle between the mirror and the squirrels. A pirate ship appears on the lake]
Chef:Father, why did you go to all this trouble?
Fr. Maxi:Because Halloween is an abomination of God. I would do anything to stop this wretched, unholy holiday!
Chef:Including killing people and wreaking havoc all over South Park?
Brunet:Don't you see that by trying to stop Halloween you've scared the hell out of everybody?
Fr. Maxi:No.
Barbrady:Okay buddy, you can explain downtown! [takes the priest away]
Sheila:Well, this is all fine and good, but it doesn't explain what happened to my mother's body!
Kyle:Yeah! Where's Grandma? [the dog walks in and begins regurgitating. First, the head comes out]
Mob:Eeewww! [the rest of the body comes out]
Stan:There she is!
Chef:Well thanks a lot, KoRn! You KoRn powers really came through for us!
Sharon:Yes! We were wrong about you. Will you please play for our Halloween party?
Jonathan:Well, sure. Why the heck not?
Mob:All right! [the pirate cutout is hoisted up on two poles]
Pirate Voice:Raarrrr!
Stan:Oh, no! The pirate ghosts are back! [the cutout shakes and falls away, revealing Nibblet]
Nibblet:Uh oh!
[The stage on the docks. KoRn is preparing for their concert. The mob is spread out in front of the stage. Jonathan takes the mic.]
Jonathan:Well, this sure has been a wacky night, but me and the gang learned a lot, and we hope you did too. You all perceived us to be mean, evil people, but, really, we're just normal guys. And we all perceived pirate ghosts to be real when, actually, they were just cotton swabs. So I guess the lesson is: it's easy to perceive somethin' someway, and then be wrong. So we all need to learn to be a little less perceptive.
All:[reflecting] Yeah.
Jonathan:The gang and I wrote a song about it, and it goes goes a little somethin' like this:
And a-one, and-a-two, and a [goes right into "Falling Away From Me." The strobe lights come on, and the crowd looks a little stunned. The fifth graders are at the very front of the crowd, and the body of Grandma Broflovski inches up to them]
Fifth Graders:Aaaah! [they run away]
Stan, Kyle:Sweet! [Nibblet floats up to the Antonio Banderas blow-up doll and punctures it. It deflates, alerting Cartman]
Cartman:Antonio, no! [sees Nibblet and goes after it] You son of a bitch chicken from outer space… thing, come back here! [KoRn continues playing. At another part of the docks, Mr. Garrison holds court over the Halloween Costume Contest. Kenny is present]
Mr. Garrison:And the winner of the costume contest is [reads the name] Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume! Come on up, Wendy. [she rushes up and stands next to him]
Kenny:[droops] (Awww.)
[End of KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery… Wait a minute! Dejected, Kenny walks away slowly from the crowd. A tiny snowspeeder flies by and wraps a cable around his costume's legs. He begins to stumble]
Kenny:(What the hell? What the fuck is this?!) [two more speeders fly by and bomb him to bits, and rats converge on him.]