Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Kenny
Gerald Broflovski
Randy Marsh
Jimbo and Ned
Liane Cartman
Fonics Monkey
Hooked On Monkey Fonics female voice
Mayor McDaniels
Principal Victoria
Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat
Craig, Butters, Pip, Token
The Kotzwalds (including Mark and Rebecca)
Ronnie James Dio and band
| [The Cartman house, night. Sharon brings a box into the dining room.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Liane: | [sets the box down on the floor] Eric, Mommy got you a present! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | [suddenly excited] A present?? Is it a rocket racer?? No, let me guess: It's a Froagman Jay doll! No wait, I know! It's a police power chopper! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Liane: | Nnno, I got you something that's going to help you win the big spelling bee tomorrow. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | [drops and sighs heavily] Mom, I'm not going to win the spelling bee; I never do. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Liane: | This year is gonna be different. Look! [places the box on the table] I got you "Hooked On Monkey Fonics." [mom and son look at each other] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | [after a while] What the hell is "Hooked On Monkey Fonics?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Liane: | It's a new way to learn how to read and spell. And it comes with everything you need to help win that speling bee. [unpacks the contents: two cassette tapes, a tiny drum set, an owner's manual, and a live monkey. The monkey chatters] It says we just put the cassette into a tape player [does it, and presses the Play button. A glissant plays, and the monkey sits behind the drum set] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Female Voice: | Welcome to "Hooked On Monkey Fonics," level 1. I will read the sounds and the monkey will help keep the beat. [Liane smiles] If your monkey arrived in the box dead, call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey. Ready? Let's begin. [glissant. The monkey plays. A little rap follows] The learning monkey is here to say That reading is easy and it's okay. Work with the monkey and you will learn To spell hard words, like "morbid" and "burn." Start with Card 1. [Liane holds it up] Ready? Begin! [glissant] C, H. [a "ch" sound] Chalk. [the monkey plays four beats more, then turns to Cartman. One more beat…] Cartman: | [finally responds, keeping the beat] C, H. "Ch." Chalk.
| Female Voice: | Good. Card 2. [Liane holds it up] T, H. [a hard "th"] There.
| Cartman: | T, H. "Th." There. Hey, this is easy! [raps] I'm gonna win the spelling bee for sure, Mom!
| [South Park, next day. A stage has been set up in front of the rebuilt library, and the adults are there to watch. A banner over it reads:]
| The 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals
| [On stage, back row, are Wendy, Kevin, Jordan, Clyde, Butters and Bebe. In the front row are Token, a new boy, an empty chair, Kyle, Stan, and Cartman. Off to the left, Mr. Mackey will keep score, but doesn't look at all happy about it. The Mayor is front and center]
| Mayor: | All right, everyone. Welcome to the 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals! [the crowd cheers. The Mayor walks over and stands next to Mr. Mackey. The new boy is gone!] This should be very interesting. We have with us twelve of the brightest spellers from South Park Elementary.
| Jimbo: | Kyle, Kyle, he's our man. If he can't win it, I'm out 50 bucks.
| Gerald: | You bet money on my son to win?!
| Jimbo: | Sure! When it comes to spelling bees, always bet on the Jew.
| Cartman: | You're going down, bitch!
| Kyle: | Shut up, fatass! Everyone knows I can spell better than you.
| Cartman: | Yeah, well this year I have a secret weapon! [signals something with a thumbs-up. The monkey and drums are next to him, on the floor.]
| Mayor: | And, joining us this year, are the two home-schooled children, Rebecca and Mark Kotzwald! [they enter…]
| Jimbo: | What?! […and take their seats]
| Cartman: | Home-schooled kids? Who the hell are they?
| Jimbo: | Ey, that's not fair! You can't let home-schooled kids into a public-school spelling bee!
| Kyle: | What's a "home-schooled kid"?
| Stan: | I don't know, dude. I've never seen them before. [the left side of the groups is shown. Mark, the new kid seen earlier, sits next to Token, and Rebecca takes the aisle seat. The others in their section study them.]
| The Kotzwalds: | [cheering] Go, Mark! Go, Rebecca!
| Mayor: | [reads, then] Our first contestant is Mark Kotzwald, from home school. [he steps on the platform] All right, Mark. Your word is "conscientious."
| Cartman: | What?! What the fuck that that mean?
| Mark: | "Conscientious." May I have the definition, please?
| Mayor: | Closely attentive to details. Careful.
| Mark: | "Conscientious." Could you use it in a sentence, please?
| Mayor: | Mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was… conscientious.
| Mark: | "Conscientious." C O N S C I E N T I O U S.
| Cartman: | [as the bell rings] Holy crap! [the crowd is stunned]
| The Kotzwalds: | Way to go, Mark! Alright!
| Mayor: | Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [he goes to the platform, smiling] Alright, Eric, here's your word: chair. Chaaiirr. [he looks to the monkey, who's minding its own business]
| Cartman: | Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum! [it looks around] Come on! [it begins to drum something else, getting excited. Cartman looks resigned]
| Mayor: | Eric, your word is "chair."
| Cartman: | Uuh. Definition?
| Mayor: | Something you sit on.
| Cartman: | Country of origin?
| Mayor: | English! [the angrier she gets, the more afraid Mr. Mackey looks]
| Cartman: | Could you please use it in a sentence?
| Mayor: | Oh, for Christ's sake, kid! The word is "chair"!!
| Cartman: | Uh- chair. C H A R E [the buzzer sounds and Eric panics] God damnit, how come I get the hard ones?! [races off the stage] Get over here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!
| [The spelling bee. After several rounds, the other kids are eliminated. The Kotzwald kids and Kyle are the only ones left.]
| Mayor: | All right, we're down to just three finalists. First up is Rebecca Kotzwald from home school. [Rebecca takes the platform, but casts her eyes down and away from the mayor. She nervously taps her hands together] Alright, Rebecca. Here's your word: littoral.
| Rebecca: | [voice quivering] "Littoral." Deh-finition?
| Mayor: | Having to do with a lake or ocean.
| Rebecca: | "Littoral." Will you please use it in a sentence?
| Mayor: | Gary was most interested in the littoral features of Michigan.
| Rebecca: | "Littoral." [Before saying each letter, she opens her hands like a book, whispers the letter into them, and closes them] L I T O R A L
| Mayor | [sounding the little bell] Correct!
| Kyle: | [softly] Wow! [he's impressed]
| Mr. Kotzwalds: | [both parents clap] Alright, Rebecca. Good job, honey. [she takes her seat]
| Mayor: | Now we have Kyle Broflovski. [he takes the platform] Here we go. Krocsyldiphithic.
| Kyle: | What??
| Mayor: | Krocsyldiphithic.
| Kyle: | Definition?
| Mayor: | Something which has a krocsyldiph-like quality.
| Kyle: | Uh, could you use it in a sentence?
| Mayor: | Certainly. "Krocsyldiphithic" is a hard word to spell.
| Kyle: | "Krocsyldiphic."
| Jimbo: | You can do it, kid! You can do it!
| Kyle: | "Krocsyldiphic." C [the buzzer cuts him off] Damnit!
| Jimbo: | You little bastard, you cost me fifty bucks. [Stuart, Gerald, Randy, and Ned start carrying him away] Why don't you run away and join the circus, you stupid little son of a bitch?! Aaargh!
| Mayor: | Congratulations, Mark and Rebecca. [hand them their trophies] You are truly South Park's finest. [a print photographer takes a picture]
| Stan: | [standing before the stage with Cartman and Kenny] Damn, dude. Those home-schooled kids are smart.
| Cartman: | Yeah. Too bad they have the personalities of a wet dishcloth. [the finalists come off the stage and stand in front of it.]
| Kyle: | [walks up to Rebecca] What's your name? [apparently, he wasn't paying attention…]
| Rebecca: | Guh what's in a name? [turns and walks away]
| Kyle: | Wooww.
| Mark: | It was nice competing against you boys. We will have to do it again sometime.
| Cartman: | [mocking] Oh, yes. We must do it again.
| Stan: | We've never seen you before. Do you live in the woods or something?
| Mark: | No. I live right over there. [points to a house like any other, but it has bars on its windows] I've lived there all my life.
| Cartman: | How come you don't go to school?
| Mark: | Because I'm home-schooled.
| Stan: | What's that?
| Mark: | My parent teach me. So I stay at home instead of going to school.
| Cartman; | You what? Stay at home? All day? No school?
| Mark: | Right.
| Cartman: | [waxes poetic] | Who would have thought such a miracle could be? Who could have known that this moment I would see? A new way of living, a chance to be free? Stan: | Shut up, Cartman?
| Cartman: | You shut up, [backhand slap] butthole.
| Stan: | You shut up, [backhand slap] gaywad!
| Cartman: | You shut up, [backhand slap] ass-logger!
| Mark: | [astonished] Oh my goodness, are you two enemies?
| Stan: | Nno, we're friends.
| Mark: | Strange, friends would call each other names and fight.
| Stan: | What?
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Come, children, let's take our trophies home and place them high up on the mantle. [the family walks away. Kyle looks after Rebecca. Mark looks back at the boys.]
| Stan: | Dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerdos.
| [The Kotzwald house, night. The family is at dinner]
| Mark: | Papa?
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Yes, Mark?
| Mark: | Why can't I go to school with the other boys?
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | [gasps] Oooh.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | [leans in on Mark] Well, because, son, public schools are inefficient and dangerous!
| Mark: | But I want to play with the other children. O, how they laugh and play, Papá.
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | Mark, you have play time. You get to play in the afternoon.
| Mark: | I just feel like I should go to public school, if only for a little while. To see what other little boys are like.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Mark, public schools are no good! Your mother and I were both home-schooled, and we turned out much better because of it.
| Mark: | Please, Papá. Just let me try it for a few days.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Alright. Fine, Mark! You go ahead and go to public school! You can just find out for yourself how flawed and treacherous it is!
| Mark: | Hooray!
| Mr. Kotzwald: | You don't want to go to public school too, do you, Rebecca?
| Rebecca: | [voice quivering] Oh, heavens, no.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Well, thank God for that! At least my daughter will remain safe! [the doorbell rings and all look towards it]
| Kyle: | [Mrs. Kotzwald opens the door] Uh, hi. Is, uh, is Rebecca home?
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | Yes she is. [doesn't move]
| Kyle: | …Uuh, can I talk to her?
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | Oh. Well, I suppose so. Rebecca! [Rebecca walks up] This little boy wants to see you.
| Rebecca: | [with hands in prayer pose] Huhlo? [Kyle looks a little dismayed, as her tapping of hands is a habit. He looks at her mom for any assistance, but sees none. He looks at Rebecca again]
| Kyle: | U-u-uh, hi. [puts his hands behind his back]
| Rebecca: | Hel-lo.
| Kyle: | Huuh, I wah… just ah… well… that's all. [turns and hurries away. Rebecca looks, then goes in. Her mom closes the door]
| Mr. Kotzwald: | [walks up] Who was that?
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | A little boy wanted to see Rebecca.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | [wary] Oh no. I told you the spelling bee was a bad idea.
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | But the children won, and they were happy to meet the other children.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Yes, but now I think we may have opened a Pandora's box that we can't close! [they then stand motionless for a while]
| [South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's class. Craig, Butters, and Tweek sit in the front row.]
| Mr. Garrison: | Hokay, children, we have a new student joining us from home school. Now, his parents are very worried about his safety, so please don't be too cruel to him. Mark? [A large plastic ball rolls into class, and Mark is inside driving it. He runs into Craig's chair and stops]
| Mark: | Hey, guys. What's up?
| Cartman: | Dude, what's wrong with you? You got some kind of John Travolta disease?
| Mr. Garrison: | Alright, children, let's just try to pretend there isn't a little boy in a huge plastic hamster ball here, and go on with our studies. Now, who can tell me when Columbus sailed the seas and discovered America? [Mark and Cartman vie to answer] Ehyes, Mark?
| Cartman: | Ey! How come you never pick me?!
| Mr. Garrison: | Because you never know the right answer, butt-for-brains! Yes, Mark?
| Mark: | The answer is 1492. However, the Americas had already been discovered by many before him, including the Vikings and the Native Americans. And therefore, your question is a charade.
| Cartman: | Aww, see? That's what I was gonna say!
| Mr. Garrison: | Well, very impressive, Mark. You should be able to throw the grading curve and flunk all these little bastards. [every kid looks angrily at Mark.]
| Stan: | Oh, God. This kid's gonna last about five seconds out on the playground.
| Mr. Garrison: | Now, who can tell me what country Columbus was from? [again, Mark and Cartman vie to answer] Put your hand down, creampuff.
| Cartman: | That does it! [gets off his seat and moves towards the door] I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed! I'm gonna go be home-schooled from now on!
| Stan: | You don't wanna be home-schooled, fatass.
| Cartman: | I'm gonna be home-schooled, and leave all the pain and suffering of public school behind me! Screw you guys, I'm a-gonna be home-schooled! [leaves and closes the door]
| Mr. Garrison: | Oh, please God, let it be forever.
| [The playground. The recess bell rings and the kids rush out the door. Mark joins them in his huge hamster ball. Beside the jungle gym Stan and Pip stand next to each other, with Bebe and Jordan behind them]
| Stan: | Come on, Pip, say it. Say "Please, hit me."
| Pip: | But, if I say that, you'll hit me.
| Stan: | No! I'm gonna hit you if you don't say it. If you say "Please, hit me," I won't hit you.
| Pip: | Please, hit me.
| Stan: | All right. [backhand slap]
| Pip: | Ooowww!
| Stan: | Alright, we'll try this again, Pip.
| Mark: | [rolls up] I don't understand. You seem to like that boy, yet hate him at the same time. [Craig and Butters walk up]
| Craig: | Hey, kid. Get out of that hamster ball.
| Mark: | Oh. I promised my father I wouldn't.
| Stan: | Oh, boy. Sorry, dude, you're on your own. [moves out of the way as Craig and Butters position the ball]
| Butters: | Oowhy yu- you best do what he says, uh home-school kid. Why, this is our part of the playground, see? And uh, a-and if you don't follow our rules, whyuh, why we're gonna duct-tape ya to the bench.
| Mark: | You mean you would actually duct-tape my entire body to a bench? For what purpose?
| Craig: | Just get out of the hamster ball, or else you're gonna find out!
| [Mark moves to the door and opens it. The ball moves, and Butters holds in in place while Mark flips his way out of it. Once he's on the ground, a bunch of boys come in and crowd him. Token, Bill, Tweek, Clyde, and Terrence join Craig and Butters in carrying Mark to the bench.]
| Boys: | Okay, let's get him… [more chatter as they place him on the bench and duct-tape him to it]
| Butters: | Got it. [the boys disperse]
| Craig: | Have a nice second half of the day, nerdo!
| Butters: | Yeah why, why, you shouldn't be such a smart-mouthed Mr. Know-It-All!
| Mark: | Oh, dear.
| [The Kotzwald house. Mr. and Mrs. Kotzwald pace their living room, worried about their son's whereabouts]
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Oh, where could he be? He should've been home from public school by now.
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | I'm sure he's alright.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | [a thump on the door] That must be him. [thump. Mr. Kotzwald opens the door, and both parents look]
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | Waaaaah! [Mark has walked home still strapped to the bench]
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Oh my God, son!
| Mark: | Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. [walks in]
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Mark, what have they done to you?!
| Mark: | Well, they duct-taped me to a bench.
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | But why?
| Mark: | I don't know, mother. It didn't make any sense at all.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Well, you see? This is what happens at public schools!
| Mark: | But I want to go back tomorrow, papá.
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | What??
| Mark: | Please, just give me one more day. [walks off]
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | What do we do?
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Well, if we're goin' to let him go back, it looks like I need to have a little talk with those other boys' fathers. [snort, snort. He seems to have a little problem with phlegm in the nose]
| [The Kotzwald house, night. A girl's bedroom is shown. Rebecca is at her desk writing.]
| A voice: | [with guitar] | Everywhre I go, I'm thinking of you, Rebecca. I don't know what to do, Rebecca. You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better. So what do you say we get together? You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca! You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca! Rebecca, you're really quite good-looking! You're a fox. [The town bar. Jimbo, Ned, Randy, and Gerald sit at the bar sipping some beers. As Mr. Kotzwald enters, the camera pulls back to reveal Stuart McCormick, Richard Tweek, and Craig's father at the bar with the others]
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Good evening, gentlemen. If I can have your attention for a few moments. [the other men turn to face him] My son Mark was beat up in school today by your sons. I think it would be appropriate for you to talk with your sons, and instruct them to no longer tease or bother my boy. [sniff]
| Randy: | Uh, look, Mr.…
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Kotzwald.
| Randy: | Mr. Kotzwald, we can't completely control what our kids do socially. That's…, you know, that's for them to figure out on their own.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Well, obviously, they need to be coached a little better. [the men get mad. He coughs, then points to Gerald] And furthermore, your son has been harassing my little girl! I would like you to tell him to stop.
| Gerald: | Hey, my son is just discovering love. Maybe your daughter is, too. They-uh, they need to know about that stuff.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Uh, hello-o? My girl is eight years old! What does she need to know about love?
| Randy: | Well, something. I mean, you can't just wait until she's a teenager and expect her to figure out everything all at once.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | I will not tell you how to raise your children, and you will not tell me how to raise mine!
| Jimbo: | Eh, you wanna beer or something, Kotzwald?
| Mr. Kotzwald: | No, I don't drink beer. I just like wine coolers.
| Jimbo: | You what??
| [The town bar, later. The men head out the door.]
| Jimbo: | See ya, Kotzwald. [Randy looks and grins] Thanks for stopping by.
| Gerald: | Yeah. See ya. [the camera pans down to show Mr. Kotzwald duct-taped to a bench]
| [South Park Elementary, the cafeteria, next day. Lunchtime. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at table]
| Kyle: | …I can't even get her to understand. It's like she's from another planet.
| Mark: | [walks up] Can I sit here with you?
| Stan: | [tsk] Aw, man, if you have to.
| Principal Victoria: | [over the P.A.] Attention, students. Don't forget that this Friday night is the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. We will have a very special band performing, so please come early.
| Kyle: | Hey! That's it! That dance! I can ask Rebecca to go to the dance!
| Stan: | Dude, what happened to you? You're a total wuss now. [laughs]
| Kenny: | (Heheh, yeah. You're a faggot, dude. Fuck, yeah. Hehe-eheh.)
| Mark: | Why do you call Kyle names and laugh at him? Is he not your friend?
| Stan: | Yeah, dude, but guys just do that. We rip on each other and stuff.
| Mark: | I see. It's like, you have to mark your territory as a boy. You have to socially find your place.
| Kyle: | What??
| Craig: | [leading a group of boys, walks up] Enjoying your lunch, nerdo?
| Mark: | [confidently] Ah! Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me.
| Stan: | Ah, dude, you don't say that.
| Mark: | Huh?
| Craig: | Get him! [the group grabs him and duct-tapes him to an adjacent bench, then walks away.]
| Kyle: | Boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting to public school.
| Stan: | Yeah. I wonder how Cartman is doing with his home-schooling.
| [The Cartman house, afternoon. Cartman is in bed with a bag of chips.]
| Cartman: | [sighing drowsily] Eeehhh.
| Announcer: | Welcome to Huntin' and Killin' with Jimbo and Ned.
| Cartman: | Eehh, shut up. [stretches] Ooohhh, yeasss.
| Liane: | [opens the door] Hon, are you ready for some math problems?
| Cartman: | Eh, not right this second, mother. Put them there by the door.
| Liane: | Oh, all right. [sets them on the nightstand]
| Cartman: | Mom?
| Liane: | Yes?
| Cartman: | Could you turn up the heat just a little?
| Liane: | Sure, hon. [turns it up and walks out]
| Cartman: | Egghhh. Dude, home-schooling rules. [turns to his right side] Yeeehhhhhhss! [goes to sleep.]
| [The Kotzwald house, afternoon. Kyle approaches the front door and rings the bell. Rebecca answers and immediately puts her hands together]
| Rebecca: | Oh, hel-lo.
| Kyle: | Hoh! Uh, Rebecca. There's this dance, see, at the school, and um,
| Rebecca: | He-ey, would you like to come up to my room?
| Kyle: | Huh?
| Rebecca: | Woowould you like to come up to my room?
| Kyle: | Uuuh, okay. [she yanks him in] Gah!
| [The Kotzwald house, the living room. Mark is talking with his parents]
| Mr. Kotzwald: | I'm sorry, son. There's nothing we can do to stop those bullies. We have to pull you out of public school.
| Mark: | Oh, papá. Can I at least go to the dance tomorrow?
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Well alright, you can go, but I'll be there to supervise.
| Mark: | Alright. [starts to shuffle away]
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Mark, where's your sister?
| Mark: | She's upstairs playing Doctor with that Kyle boy.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Oh, alright.
| Both parents: | What?! [they dash to her room]
| Mrs. Kotzwald: | Rebecca! Aaah! Aaaaah! Noo-hooo!
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Rebecca, don't play that perverted game! [reaches the door and opens it. Before them is Kyle on his back on a low table covered by a blanket. Rebecca, in scrubs, stands on a chair cutting away at Kyle's hat. Both look at her parents]
| Rebecca: | I have to extricate a rr-region in his cerebral cortex, or risk ih-nfection to the synaptic responses.
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Ah. Alright. Rebecca. But it's time to start your home-schooling! [snorts twice and leaves with his wife]
| Kyle: | Rebecca, there's this dance, see, the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance, and uh, now I was wondering, ih-ih-ih if you wanna go.
| Rebecca: | [voice quivering] Hhm. Alright, I guess I'll go.
| Kyle: | You will?
| Rebecca: | [voice quivering] I guess. Are you gonna go? Maybe I'll see you there.
| Kyle: | No no. I mean, go with me.
| Rebecca: | Oh, I'm sure Father will give me a ride. [walks off to her home-schooling. Kyle gets mad and bangs his head against her chair]
| [The Cartman house, his bedroom. He still looks sleepy.]
| Cartman: | Ahhhhhhhhh. ["Jesus and Pals" is heard in the background] Ahhhhhhhhh-ahhhh. Tired, tired.
| Liane: | [opens the door] Eric, I got you a new history textbook. Why don't you come downstairs.
| Cartman: | Wwaargh. Not right now, Mom. [sighs]
| Liane: | Eric, please. We have to do some studying today.
| Cartman: | I am studying, Mom. I'm learning with the Fonics Monkey. [she looks over and sees the Fonics Monkey tossing a box of Snacky S'mores around. She withdraws and Cartman yawns again. Stan and Kenny enter]
| Stan: | Hey, fatass, how's home-schooling going?
| Cartman: | [sleepily] Oh, it's soo sweet, you guys.
| Stan: | Well, get your ass out of bed! [Kenny walks off] We have to go deal with that home-school kid!
| Cartman: | Huh, I can't. I'm too tired. [moves to sleep again] Maybe tomorrow.
| Kenny: | [to the monkey] (Hey, can I have that?) [reaches for a Snacky S'more in the monkey's hand, but the monkey tosses it away] (Heey.)
| Stan: | But the big dance is tomorrow and all the guys are gonna duct-tape him to a flagpole.
| Cartman: | [sleepily] That sounds cool. Maybe I'll go to that.
| Kenny: | [smacked against a nightstand by the monkey] (Hey!) [the monkey starts tossing him around like a box] (Hey, Cartman, help me.)
| Cartman: | Stop it, Fonics Monkey! [the monkey throws Kenny up against the ceiling and stomps on him] I'm warning you! Stop that, Fonics Monkey! [the monkey smashes Kenny against the foot of Cartman's bed several times, then stomps on him until he no longer responds]
| Stan: | Oh my God, Fonics Monkey killed Kenny!
| Cartman: | You're damn straight, he did.
| [The Kotzwald house, later that afternoon. Kyle is in the backyard waiting for Rebecca. She comes out and closes the sliding door.]
| Kyle: | You got my note?
| Rebecca: | [voice quivering] Uh of course. You taped it to my dog; how could I not see it?
| Kyle: | Uh, can we sit down?
| Rebecca: | Wha-y noh-ot? [leads him onto a nice path next to a lovely flowerbed with all sorts of flora] Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it. [picks a flower]
| Kyle: | Rebecca, don't you ever… look at the town? At that… [draws close] flicker of light over there?
| Rebecca: | I… [looks down and away, pulls away a bit] have looked at it.
| Kyle: | Well, that's a public school. And in it there are children, [draws close] just like us.
| Rebecca: | How can children go to school on a f-licker of light?
| Kyle: | From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. [they walk over to a stone bench and sit] Don't you want to go out? All you do is… stay in your house and… study
| Rebecca: | Well, what else would one do?
| Kyle: | Love, for one thing.
| Rebecca: | And woowhat is love?
| Kyle: | Love …is the most important thing on… earth. When boys and girls feel …love, they kiss.
| Rebecca: | Woowhat means "ki-iss"?
| Kyle: | When a man and a woman feel …love… they put their lips together.
| Rebecca: | Oh, you mean a-a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.
| Kyle: | Rebecca, in public school, [hops down] we select our… own mate. [walks off a bit] In public school, men and women get together. Make each other happy.
| Rebecca: | You certainly come from a silly place. Still, I should like to try that… kiss. [he turns to face her] So I cold write about it. [Kyle walks back and sits on the bench] How do we do it?
| Kyle: | I'm not completely sure.
| Rebecca: | Should we… [looks at him] l-look it up?
| Kyle: | No, I think it's something you have to try a few times. Until you get it… right. [she hums as they get closer and closer. Their lips touch. A quick kiss and they pull apart]
| Rebecca: | Wow. Wow, that was fun! [grabs him]
| Kyle: | Dah. [she kisses him back, then lets go] Does that mean you'll go to the dance?
| Rebecca: | Y-you bet your sweet a-ass I will.
| [South Park Elementary, night. The school is lit up for the dance. Seven boys move towards the flagpole: Pip, Stan, Token, Craig, Butter, Faussey, and Bill]
| Craig: | Alright, here's the plan. Tomorrow night at the dance, when none of the chaperones are looking, you guys go grab Mark. Bring him out here, and then we're gonna duct-tape him to this flagpole.
| Stan: | Are you sure? He can be out here all night on the flagpole.
| Craig: | That's the point, buttpipe.
| Stan: | Don't call me a buttpipe, buttpipe!
| Butters: | Wewell, come on. We gotta buy us some more duct tape.
| Boys: | Hooray! [they walk away]
| Bill: | Hooray. [catches up to the others]
| Gerald: | [arrives with a group of men] Alright, here's the plan. All we gotta do is volunteer to chaperone the dance tomorrow. [Randy, Jimbo, Ned, and Stuart are also present]
| Randy: | Uhwhy do we want to all chaperone the dance?
| Jimbo: | Because Kotzwald is gonna to live there. And when he shows up, we all grab him, bring him out here, and duct-tape him to the flagpole!
| Gerald: | The flagpole! That's great! [Mr. Tweek and Craig's father are now present]
| Jimbo: | Come on! We gotta buy more duct tape.
| Men: | [walk away] Alright!
| [South Park Elementary, night. It's Friday and the kids are gathering in the gym for the dance. Mark is already in the crowd, but the time is not yet. There isn't much to dance to, but kids dance anyway. Wendy and Bebe hop back and forth. Tweek dances as well. Pip is dancing in the background. Jordan and Clyde, Token and the redhead, Kevin, Terrence and Faussey, and the tattered kid stand around.]
| Stan: | [sees Kyle enter and walks to him] Dude, we're gonna go duct-tape that Mark kid to the bleachers. You wanna help? [with him are Craig, Butters, and Cartman.]
| Kyle: | [with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.
| Stan: | Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]
| Kyle: | Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!
| Stan: | You suck now, Kyle! [walks away with the other boys]
| Kyle: | You suck!
| Principal Victoria: | [on stage] Boys and girls, can I have your attention, please? This year we have a very special guest performing the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. He was a musical force in the '70's and '80's. Please welcome Ronnie James Dio! [walks off as the curtains part. Dio appears with his band. The kids look back and say nothing]
| Dio: | Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!
| Butters: | Uh, uuh, sure uh, I guess.
| Dio: | Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. | Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's- Craig: | ["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]
| Butters: | Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]
| Rebecca: | [dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]
| Butters: | Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quie surprised. "Gotta get away."]
| Rebecca: | [walks over to Token] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]
| Token: | What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. The redhead looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]
| Rebecca: | [walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?
| Kyle: | Rebecca. You…
| Mark: | [returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]
| Rebecca: | I'm… having… fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]
| Pip: | Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]
| Mark: | You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!
| Kyle: | Uh. All I did was show her how to-
| Mark: | You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]
| Kyle: | [landing on his back] Aaaah!
| Mark: | [pounces on again] You dip! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]
| Kyle: | Ooww!
| Craig: | Oh my God!
| Stan: | Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!
| Butters: | Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]
| Randy: | [entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]
| Mark: | …I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]
| Stan: | Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]
| Butters: | Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.
| Stan: | Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]
| Craig: | [grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!
| Butters: | [grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me! [Mark smiles, pleased that these guys would fight for his friendship]
| Mr. Kotzwald: | [enters another door with his wife] They've got to be here somewhere.
| Jimbo: | Hey, there's Kotzwald. Come on! Let's duct-tape him to the flagpole!
| Men: | Yeah! [move forward. Mr. Kotzwald goes to some outlet and unplugs the sound system. Dio stops playing]
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Where are my children?! I'm taking them out of this God-forsaken place!
| Mark: | [onstage, takes the mic from Dio] Calm down, papá! [Papá looks at Mom] Everything is all right. [the kids look at him] You see, I've learned something today. Public schools may be a bit lacking in education, but it's the main place where children learn all of their social skills. You can't teach a child social skills. They have to learn them themselves. And the only place to do that is on the playground, in the cafeteria, and so on. [his parents listen] Don't you see, papá? That's what happened to your daughter. You tried so hard to keep her from anythng sexual, and now look at her. She's a God-damned whore, papá. [Rebecca is listening]
| Butters: | Well, she sure is.
| Mark: | I know letting your kids out into the world is scary. I know you wish nothing bad would ever happen to us. But bad things will happen, and we have to start learning now how to deal with those things. [Stan and Kyle look at each other. The men listen]
| Mr. Kotzwald: | Mark. You're absolutely right. [Mark grins. His mom grins as well] Okay, childdren. If it's what you want, you can start going to public school.
| Kids: | Alright! [Rebecca goes up to Kyle and kisses him]
| Stan: | [goes onstage] Nice speech, nerdo.
| Mark: | Thanks, gaywad. [Cartman joins them]
| Cartman: | Now you're gettin' it.
| Jimbo: | Well, come on, guys. If I'm not mistaken, we still have someone to duct-tape to the flagpole!
| Men: | Hooray!
| Mr. Kotzwald: | What?! [the men hoist him up and carry him out the doors]
| Mark: | See ya, papá! [Dio takes the mic back]
| Dio: | Well, I'm glad we all learned something today, kids. Now, let's dance! [resmes with "Holy Diver." The Fonics Monkey is drumming with the band. Mr. Kotzwald is now duct-taped to the flagpole]
| [End of Hooked On Monkey Fonics |
Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. |