Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny
Angels
Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat
Mailman Timmy
Satan and Adolf Hitler (and some famous celebrities)
Demons
Bailey
John F. Kennedy and John F. Kennedy Jr.
Jesus and Santa
Various Kids
Mr. Mackey
Shelley Marsh
News Anchor
Man on Porto Potty
Sheila, Gerald, and Ike Broflovski
[A WSPK Channel 2 news anchorman appears] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Anchor: | Fighting the frizzies at 11. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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[Intro. Mailman Timmy, tall and lanky with a very long cheek, walks into view] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Mailman Timmy: |
We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose, And we all know Frosty, who's made out of snow. But all of those stories seem kind of… gay 'Cause we all know who brightens up our holiday. [twirls] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Robert T. Pooner Presents | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Mr. Hankey Chrismas Classics | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Mailman Timmy and Kids: | Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Mailman Timmy: | Small and brown, he comes from you. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
A Collection of 10 Holiday Songs | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Mailman Timmy and Kids: | Sit on the toilet; here he comes! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Mailman Timmy: |
Squeezin' 'tween your festive buns.
A present from down below, Spreading joy with a | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Mailman Timmy and Kids: | [the kids wave] Howdy Ho! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Mailman Timmy: | [a kid holds up a Hankey X-ray] He's seen the love inside of you, 'cause | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Mailman Timmy and Kids: | [Timmy leads them] He's a piece of poo! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Mailman Timmy: |
Sometimes he's notty [a girl holds a drawing], sometimes he's corny [she shows the next drawing]. He can be brown or greenish brown [Timmy holds two sheets of construction paper]. Kids: | Mmm-hmm.
| Mailman Timmy: |
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, | He might come to your town. Mailman Timmy and Kids: |
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
| Mailman Timmy: |
He loves me, I love you. | Therefore, vicariously he loves you Boy: |
[about to crap behind some bushes] I can make a Mr. Hankey, too! [craps]
| Mr. Hankey: |
[pops out from behind the bushes] HOWDY HO! | I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Season's greetings to all of you. Let's sing songs and dance and play Now, before I melt away Here's a game I like to play: Stick me in your mouth and try to say, All: | "Howdy ho ho, yum yum yum."
| Mr. Hankey: | Christmas Time has come!
| Girl 1: | Sometimes he's runny.
| Boy 1: | Sometimes he's firm.
| Girl 2: | Sometimes he's practically water.
| Man on Porto Potty: | [opens the door]
Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass | And won't fall in the toilet 'Cause he's just clinging to your sphincter And he won't drop out and so you …shake you ass around And try to get it to drop into the toilet And finally it does… [Timmy closes the door] Mailman Timmy and Kids: |
[Mr. Hankey now leads them] Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
| Mailman Timmy: |
Christmas leaves; he most leave too. [Santa lands with reindeer]
| Mailman Timmy and Kids: |
| Flush him down, but he's [slowing] never gone! [nornal. Santa takes off] His smell and his spirit ling-er on! Kids: | Howdy Ho!
| [Mr. Hankey is now shown seated on an armchair next to the crackling fireplace. Next to him is a small table with a gifts on it. Behind him is a Christmas tree with gifts at its base]
| Mr. Hankey: | Howdy-ho, folks. We're gonna do somethin' a little bit different tonight. Instead of our normal thing, we're just gonna sit back and enjoy some holiday songs. And if ya don't like it, well, I guess you can suck my tiny little balls. So let's start off with a festive Channukah song, sung by my favorite Jewish person in the whole world.
| [The Broflovski house, decorated for Channukah. A dreidel spins on the living room rug. Kyle and Ike warch it spin and fall]
| Kyle: |
Okay, Ike. You're my little brother, so I have to show you how to celebrate a Channukah. [picks it up] This is called a dreidel. You spin it and see where it lands. And you sing this song:[begins to dance] | I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay. And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play. Cartman: | Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
| Kyle: |
Oh! Hey Cartman. We're playing dreidel; do you wanna try?
| Cartman: | Sure. [takes it and walks up to the camera. Kyle sways to the song] | Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not gonna play with it, 'cause dreidel's freakin' gay. Kyle: | [stops] Hey, shut your mouth, fatass!
| Cartman: |
[moves to block Kyle from view. Kyle moves to the other side of the screen to be seen. They go back and forth like this for a while] | Jews… play stupid games Jews… that's why they're lame. Kyle: | Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Cartman: | Jews…
| Kyle: | I made you out of clay.
| Cartman: | play stupid games.
| Kyle: | Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Cartman: | Jews…
| Kyle: | with dreidel I shall play.
| Cartman: | that's why they're lame.
| Stan: | [Enters] What's going on? …Oh, it's that Channukah thing
| Cartman: |
It's sooo amazing! [shows the dreidel to Kyle] You spin this thing on the ground and it goes 'round and 'round. I could watch it aaall day!
| Stan: |
Let me try. [takes it and spins it on the rug] | I'll try to make it spin. It fell; I'll try again. [together. Cartman remains still between Stan and Kyle as Ike dances on the sofa behind them]
| Kyle: | Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
| Stan: | I'll try to make it spin.
|
| Kyle: | Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
| Stan: | It fell; I'll try again.
| [together, alternate with Cartman. Cartman walks behind the sofa, then pops up from the back. Above him is a string of Stars of David. Stan keeps trying…]
| Kyle: | Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | I'll try
|
| Cartman: | Jews…
|
| Kyle: | I made you out of clay.
| Stan: | to make it spin.
|
| Cartman: | play stupid games.
|
| Kyle: | Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | It fell;
|
| Cartman: | Jews…
|
| Kyle: | with dreidel I shall play.
| Stan: | I'll try again.
|
| Cartman: | that's why they're lame.
|
| Kyle: | Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | I'll try
| [Cartman takes a Star of David down from the string and carries it out front]
| Cartman: | Jews…
|
| Kyle: | I made you out of clay.
| Stan: | to make it spin.
|
| Cartman: | play stupid games.
|
| Kyle: | Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | It fell;
|
| Cartman: | Jews…
|
| Kyle: | with dreidel I shall play.
| Stan: | I'll try again.
|
| Cartman: | that's why they're lame.
|
| Sheila: | Hello, boys!
| Kyle: | Hi, Mom!
| Sheila: | Oh, how precious! You boys are all playing dreidel. Now, you know that dreidel is a time-honored tradition for the Hebrew people.
| Cartman: | Yes, we know, Ms. Broflovski. It's so very interesting.
| Sheila: |
Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin [spins herself] | You'll know our people always win. Keep spinning: Learn Cartman: | Jews…
| Sheila: | to make the dreidel spin [spins herself]
| Cartman: | play stupid games.
| Sheila: | You'll know [high kick]
| Cartman: | Jews…
| Sheila: | our people always win.
| Cartman: | that's why they're lame. [Gerald enters]
| Kyle: | Oh, hi Dad.
| Gerald: | Hello, everybody. Say, can I join in?
| Kyle: | Sure. | I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay. And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall- everybody! [together, alternate with Cartman. All five break into song and dance. The boys dance in figure-8 form]
| Kyle: | Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | I'll try
| Sheila: | Now when you learn
| Gerald: | Courtney Cox,
|
| Cartman: | Jews…
|
| Kyle: | I made you out of clay.
| Stan: | to make it spin.
| Sheila: | to make the dreidel spin [spins herself]
| Gerald: | I love you.
|
| Cartman: | play stupid games.
|
| Kyle: | Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | It fell;
| Sheila: | You'll know [high kick. Gerald holds her]
| Gerald: | You're so hot
|
| Cartman: | Jews…
|
| Kyle: | with dreidel I shall play.
| Stan: | I'll try again.
| Sheila: | our people always win.
| Gerald: | on that show.
|
| Cartman: | that's why they're lame.
| [All now dance in place]
| Kyle: | Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | I'll try
| Sheila: | Keep spinning: learn
| Gerald: | Courtney Cox,
|
| Cartman: | Jews…
|
| Kyle: | I made you out of clay.
| Stan: | to make it spin.
| Sheila: | to make the dreidel spin
| Gerald: | I love you.
|
| Cartman: | play stupid games.
|
| Kyle: | Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | It fell;
| Sheila: | You'll know
| Gerald: | You're so hot
|
| Cartman: | Jews…
|
| Kyle: | with dreidel I shall play.
| Stan: | I'll try again.
| Sheila: | our people always win.
| Gerald: | on that show.
| [The others stop singing, but continue dancing]
| Gerald:: |
Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald] | You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show. Kyle: | Dad? [Cartman stops]
| Gerald: | Courtney Cox,
| Kyle: | Dad.
| Gerald: | I- huh? [stops singing]
| Kyle: | We're singing about a dreidel.
| Gerald: | [stops dancing] …Oh, sorry.
| Sheila: | We'll talk about this later, Gerald!
| [together, alternate with Cartman, resume song and dance. Kyle is up front. Left: Cartman, Ike, and Gerald. Right: Stan and Sheila]
| Kyle: | Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | I'll try
| Sheila: | Now when you learn
| Gerald: | Courtney Cox,
|
| Cartman: | Jews…
|
| Kyle: | I made you out of clay.
| Stan: | to make it spin.
| Sheila: | to make the dreidel spin
| Gerald: | I love you.
|
| Cartman: | play stupid games.
| [Front: Sheila. Left: Stan and Kyle. Right: Cartman, Ike, and Gerald]
| Kyle: | Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | It fell;
| Sheila: | You'll know
| Gerald: | You're so hot
|
| Cartman: | Jews…
| [Front: Cartman. Left: Ike and Gerald. Right: Kyle and Sheila. Center: Stan]
| Kyle: | with dreidel I shall play.
| Stan: | I'll try again.
| Sheila: | our people always win.
| Gerald: | on that show.
|
| Cartman: | that's why they're lame.
| [Front: Gerald. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right: Cartman, Ike, and Kyle.]
| Kyle: | Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | I'll try
| Sheila: | Keep spinning: learn
| Gerald: | Courtney Cox,
|
| Cartman: | Jews…
| [Front: Stan. Left: Cartman and Gerald. Right: Ike, Kyle, and Sheila]
| Kyle: | I made you out of clay.
| Stan: | to make it spin.
| Sheila: | to make the dreidel spin
| Gerald: | I love you.
|
| Cartman: | play stupid games.
| [Front: Ike. Left: Kyle and Stan. Right: Gerald and Cartman. Center: Sheila]
| Kyle: | Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
| Stan: | It fell;
| Sheila: | You'll know
| Gerald: | You're so hot
|
| Cartman: | Jews…
| [big finish. Kyle steps forward. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right: Cartman and Gerald. On the sofa back: Ike. Some more dancing ensues]
| Kyle: | with dreidel I shall play.
| Stan: | I'll try again.
| Sheila: | our people- know our people always win.
| Gerald: | on that show.
| Cartman: | that's why they're lame.
| [Ike releases the dreidel, which spins successfully. The camera zooms in, only to see it fall.]
| [Back at the armchair…]
| Mr. Hankey: | Woohoo! Golly, that sure was fun. But now, for our next song, hold on to your bootstraps, 'cause we're gonna descend down into Hell!
| [Hell. Flames abound here, but an ashen plain is seen with a little campfire on it. Hitler, shown in shades of gray, is on his knees in front of the fire, crying. Before him is a tree stand, but there's no tree in it.]
| Adolph: |
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, | wie treu sind deine Blätter. O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter. De grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit, Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit. O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter. Satan: | [walks up] Hey, Hitler. [turns to face him] What's the matter, little guy?
| Adolph: | Oh, oh Satan, der tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter.
| Satan: | Awww, you don't have a Christmas tree?
| Adolph: | …nur zur Sommerzeit, nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
| Satan: | [the damned appear around him] Well, I tell you what: Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here! Come on, everyone, gather 'round! |
String up the lights and light up the tree.
Demons are nicer as you pass them by.
with demons: |
Christmas Time in hell!
| solo: |
There goes Jeffrey Dahmer with a festive Christmas ham.
| After he has sex with it, he'll eat up all he can. And there goes John F. Kennedy caroling with his son. with the Kennedy men: |
Reunited for the holidays. God bless us, everyone!
| with the damned: |
Everybody has a happy glow! | Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow. solo: |
Even Mao Tse Tung is under the spell
| with choir: | It's Christmas Time in hell!
| solo: | Adolph, here's a present for you-u! [hands him a present]
| Adolph: | Oh? [opens the gift] Ein tannenbaum! [hugs it]
| Satan: |
Yhehes, ein tannenbaum.
| Females: |
Aaa-aaa!
| Satan: |
God cast me down from heaven's door
| To rule in hell forevermore. But now I'm kinda glad that I fell, with choir: |
'Cause it's Christmas Time in hell!
| with males: |
Here's a rack to hang the stockings on
| with females: |
We still have to shop for Genghis Khan [seen]
| solo: |
Michael Landon's hair looks swell. [as always]
| with choir: |
It's Christmas Time in hell!
| solo: |
There's Princess Diana holding burning mistletoe | Over poor Gene Siskel's head; just watch his weenie grow. with choir: |
For one day we all stop burning, and the flames are not so thick.
| All the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for Ol' Saint Nick! So, String up the lights and light up the tree. We're damned for all eternity. Bur for just one day all is well. It's Christmas Time in hell!!! solo: |
Gather close together and make it quick! | We gotta make room for Andy Dick. with choir: |
[slowing, takes away the set] Wake his mother and ring the bell. It's
| Satan and males: | [normal, on an altar] Christmas Time…
| Females: |
Christmas Time… [demons carry Christmas ornaments]
| Males: |
Christmas Time… [other fly up with angel wings]
| Females: |
Christmas Time… [others dance around a burning tree]
| Satan and males: |
Christmas Time… [Satan on the stage. In front of him…]
| Females: |
Christmas Time… [one demone flies up and left]
| Males: |
It's Christmas Time… [one flies up and right]
| Females: |
Christmas Time… [one flies straight up]
| All: |
It's Christ-mas Time In hell!!!!
| Bailey: |
[walking by] Merry Christmas, movie house!
| Satan: |
Brrrrrrroom! [Demons fly away]
| [The anchorman reappears]
| Anchor: | Fighting the frizzies at 11.
| [Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
| Kids: | Howdy-ho!
| [Mr. Mackey's house. He really decorated for the holidays. He comes out dressed as a bell]
| Alone: |
Uh. | Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells. All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay." [a floating Mackey head appears to the upper right]
| Center: |
Christmas is here, bringing good cheer | To young and old, meek and the bold Right: |
Ding Dong | Ding Dong [a second Mackey head appears on the lower left]
| Center: |
Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song | With joyful ring, all caroling Left: |
Ding Dong | Ding Dong Right: |
Ding Dong | Ding M'kay [three Mackeys appear in split-screen]
| All: |
One seems to here words of good cheer | From everywhere filling the air. [a fourth Mackey, playing Scrabble, jons the other three, but sings his own part]
| Centers and Right: |
O, how they pound raising their sound | O, here and there telling their tale Left: |
O, wail | Telling their tale (daily now) [all four, dressed as bells, are in front of the house]
| All:: |
Daily they ring while people sing | Songs of good cheer. Christmas is here. [the four Mackeys are now small bells on a Christmas tree.]
| Center 1: |
Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas | Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas Center 2: |
Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song | With joyful ring, all caroling Right: |
Ding Dong | Ding Dong ding- Left: |
Ding- Can you hear them? | Ding- Can you hear them? [the four appear normal in front of the house, then at the Scrabble table]
| Left: |
On, on they send, on without end, | Their joyful tone to every home Right: |
Ding Dong | Di-ing m'kay. Centers: |
Ding Dong | Di-ing [one Mackey bell is alone in front of the house]
| Center: |
Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells. | All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay." Right: |
Dong_____________ | __________ Left: |
Dong_____________ | ____m'kay. [all four Mackey bells appear, then Mr. Mackey is alone]
| Left: |
On, on they send, on without end, | Their joyful tone to every home Right: |
M'kay M'kay___________
| Center: |
M'kay_________________
| [the small Mackey bells appear one by one on the tree, then the four appear in front of the house]
| All:: |
Ding dong ding-dong, m'kay___
| [one Mackey bell remains]
| Center: | M'kay.
| [Back at the armchair…]
| Mr. Hankey: | Well, that was a nice little song, wasn't it? But let's not forget that for some people Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. So now, here's a more serious Christmas song sung by Eric Cartman.
| [The town of Bethlehen. Cartman is superimpsoed on it. He's in formal wear.]
| Cartman: |
And | O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining It is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-bir-birth O Holy Night, the- something something distant. It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie. Jesus was born, and so I get presents. Thank you, Jesus, for being born. (Wo-o-o-o-o) Fall (Fall) [four angels appear behind Formal Cartman] On your knees (On your knees) [Cartman falls on his knees] And hear (Can't you hear) The angels'… something (Voices) O night (O night) [Present-day Cartman tosses in bed, which is covered in candy canes] Divine (Divine) [Formal Cartman] The night When I get presents (O-o) O night (O o-night) [loads them up on his camel, with other presents] Divine! [Present-day Cartman rips into more presents at home] [Formal Cartman] O night (Ooo-ooo) O night divine! [Little Drummer Cartman leads the gift-laden camels away] Oh. Ch. [Back at the armchair…]
| Mr. Hankey: | Well, oh boy, that was a super song! And now, let's hear from the school teacher, Mr. Garrison.
| [South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison has drawn a world map on the board.]
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, children, let's take our seats. Today we're going to learn how different cultures around the world celebrate the holiday season.
| Class: | [flatly] Awww.
| Kenny: | (What?!)
| Mr. Garrison: | Now, pay attention. Ahem… | I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus; They have different religious beliefs They believe in Muhammad, and not in our holiday. And so, every December I go to the Middle East and say, Hey there, Mr. Muslim, Merry Fuckin' Christmas! Put down that book the Koran, and hear some holiday wishes In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus's birthday So get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate. There is no holiday season in India, I've heard. They don't hang up their stockings, and that is just absurd. They've never read a Christmas story, they don't know what Rudolph is about. And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout,
Hey there, Mr. Hinduist, Merry Fuckin' Christmas! Drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the Missus. In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus's birthday. So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fuckin' celebrate.
Now, I heard that in Japan everyone just lives in sin. On Decemer 25th all they do is eat a cake. And that is why I go to Japan and walk around and say,
Hey there, Mr. Shintoist!, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
[The anchorman reappears]
| Anchor: | Frizzies at 11.
| [Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
| Kids: | Howdy-ho!
| [A happy Shelley Marsh plays piano for Stan and Kyle, but…]
| Shelley: |
I saw three ships come sailing in | On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day I saw three ships come sailing in On Christmas Day, in the morning. And what was in those ships, all three? On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day And what- [turns and points at them] -was in those ships all three On Christmas Day, in the morning? The Virgin Mary and Christ were there On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day The Virgin Mary and- Shut up, TURDS! [The boys cover their mouths. Kyle burps] -Christ were there On Christmas Day, in the morning. Let us all rejoice, amain, On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day And let- [walks to the boys] I told you to shut up! [Stan burps] [back at the piano] -us all rejoice, amain, On Christmas Day, in the morning. Shelley is starting to get pissed On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day Shelley got up and killed the turds On Christmas Day, in the Stan: | AAAA! […and slams it down on the boys. She walks away.]
| [Back at the armchair…]
| Mr. Hankey: | Golly, that sure was swell. I'd say my Christmas special is going super-fantastic. Well, now it's time to hear from perhaps the two most important people of the whole season.
| [McKemick's Night Club. Tonight: Jesus and Saint Nick. A man goes towards the club. ]
| Emcee: | Hello, everyone, and welcome to McKemick's. Now, please put your hands together and welcome… Saint Nicholas and Jesus Christ. [Jesus and Santa enter on stage, and the audience claps]
| Santa: | Hello, everybody!
| Jesus: | [waves] How are you all doing tomight?
| Santa: | You know, Jesus, there've been so many songs written about us over the years.
| Jesus: | That's right, Santa, and we love each and every one of them. Like this one. |
Joy to the world, for I have come. Santa: | And heaven and nature sing…
| Jesus: | And heaven and nature sing…
| Santa: | And heaven and nature sing…
| Jesus: | And heaven and na-
| Both: | And heaven and heaven and nature sing.
| Santa: | You know, Jesus, that is a nice song, but I like… this one: |
Up on the housetop reindeer pause Both: | Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go? Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go? Santa: |
Up on the housetop, click click click. | Down through the chimney with good old… me. Jesus: | He he hoo, get away! [pushes him away]
| Santa: | Go away??
| Jesus: | Get away.
| Santa: | Where away?
| Jesus: | Away in a manger, no crib for My bed That's where cute little old Me lay down My sweet head. The stars in the sky (Santa: Ooooo) Both: | Looked down where I lay.
| Jesus: | Cute little eight-pound me (Santa: Oo-oo)
| Both: | asleep in (Santa: on) the hay.
| Jesus: | O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant O come ye to Bethlehem to see-ee Me… Santa: | Here's one, Jol-
| Jesus: | Hark, the herald angels sing, Glory-
| Santa: | Hey, it's my turn.
| Jesus: | -to Me! | Silent Night, Santa: | Uh.
| Jesus: | Holy Night
| Santa: | Santa Cl- em
| Jesus: | All is calm, all is bright | 'Round yon Virgin, Mother and Me. Santa: | Saint Nicholas…
| Jesus: | Holy Me, so tender and mild. | Sleep in heavenly peace. [slowing] Sleep in heavenly peace. Santa: | Okay, Jesus. Here's one you might remember: |
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand Jesus: | Uh. Santa, Santa, Santa, that's not a Christmas song, bud. Ah… ah-
| Santa: | I know, but there's, like, 300 Jesus Christmas songs and only four fucking Santa ones! It's not fair! Just do it yourself! I'm leaving. [walks off the stage]
| Jesus: | Aw, come on, Santa. You can't leave.
| Santa: | Aw, fuck you, Jesus!
| Jesus: | But Santa… The weather outside is frightful | Santa: | [offscreen] Aw.
| Jesus: | But the fire so delightful
| Santa: | [returns to the stage] Well, since I've no place to go.
| Both: | Leett it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
| Jesus: | It doesn't show signs of stoppin'.
| Santa: | But I brought some corn for poopity poppin'.
| Jesus: | The lights are turned way down low, so | Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Both: | The fire is slowly dyin',
| Santa: | And, my dear, we're still good-bop-be-byein',
| Jesus: | But as long as you love me so,
| Both: |
| Let it snow, let it snow, Jesus: | let it snow___________________________!
| Santa: |
| Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand! [the club claps enthusiastically. The pianist winks at the duo and points at them. Jesus points back, and Santa holds up a thumb] [The anchorman reappears]
| Anchor: | Fighting frizzies at 11.
| [Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
| Kids: | Howdy-ho!
| [A toilet bowl. Mr. Hankey is floating on the water there.]
| Mr. Hankey: | Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album. Gosh! It was so nice hangin' out with you all again. Well, I guess if there's just… one thing I have left to say, it would be this: |
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Have yourself a merry little Christmas with boys: |
| Here we are as in olden days, Happy golden days of yore. Faithful friends who are dear to us Gather near to us once more. The Boys: |
Through the years we all will be together
| If the Fates allow. Mr. Hankey: |
Hang a shining star above the highest bough.
| with boys: |
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.
| Cartman: | [takes Mr. Hankey from Kyle] Time to go, Mr. Hankey.
| Mr. Hankey: | Goodbye, everybody, [Cartman flushes him down] and Merry Christmas! [Stan and Kyle join Cartman to see Mr. Hankey be flushed away.]
| Kyle: | [into the toilet bowl] Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year.
| [The camera zooms back from a pink house not seen before.]
| [The anchorman reappears]
| Anchor: | And now, fighting the frizzies. [begins to box what looks like a frizzy monster.]
| [End of Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" plays as the anchor and the frizzy monster continue to box and the credits roll.]
| Anchor: | Come on! Kick my ass! [he and the monster continue boxing]
| |