Mitgeschrieben und dem Planearium zur Verfügung gestellt von Willie Westwood (South Park Scriptorium)

Episode 406 - Cartman Joins NAMBLA


Other Boys
Mr. Garrison
Officer Barbrady
Stuart and Mrs. McCormick
Members of North American Man-Boy Love Association
including Patrick and Mr. Harris
Members of North American Marlon Brando Look Alikes
John Denver Experience Ride Operator
Dr. Doctor
A Nurse

[Kneey's house, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny sit around a Monopoly-type board game in Kenny's room]
Cartman:Okay, Stan, I'm gonna you… a UFO crash-landing card! [tosses it in front of him] You can deny it, or cover it up.
Stan:Dude, I don't understand this game at all.
Cartman:It's "Investigative Reports with Bill Curtis" funtime game. You have to decide if you deny it or cover it up.
Stan:Um, deny it?
Cartman:Okay, let's see what Bill Curtis says. [presses an electronic Bill Curtis head]
Electronic Head:[trembles from side to side] Hello, I'm Bill Curtis. Many believe that the U.S. Government… covered it up. I'm Bill Curtis.
Kyle:Alright, Cartman. I'm gonna give you… a jail-time card. [tosses it in front of him] You lose a turn.
Cartman:Oh yeah?! Well, I'm gonna give you… AIDS! [tosses the card in front of him]
Cartman:I just gave you AIDS.
Kyle:AIDS?! [looks confused]
Stan:Dude, that's not cool. Don't give Kyle AIDS.
Cartman:Kyle has AIDS, and now loses 47 turns [Kyle turns angry] and 800 points. [camera pans back, and Kenny's parents appear at the door with arms around each other]
Mrs. McCormick:Kenny, your dad and I are thinking about having another baby. Wouldn't you like to have another brother or sister?
Stuart:[tickling his wife] We just might get workin' on it later tonight, huh huh huh. [they walk off giggling]
Cartman:God-damnit, poor people suck! Your family is already on welfare, and now they're gonna bring another kid into the world. Poor people are turning out babies, adding to the overpopulation, and they're expecting me to pay for it with my tax dollars.
Stan:You don't pay tax dollars, Cartman! You're eight!
Cartman:…You see. [stands] Gaw, this is just what I've been talkin' about! I can't even relate to you guys anymore because you're too immature!
Cartman:I've gotta start hanging out with friends that are a little more intelligent, and understand …politics and stuff. It's just that… I'm up on this level up here [hovers his right hand at eye level], and all my friends are down here [hovers it at stomach level].
Kyle:You don't know what you're talking about, fatass!
Cartman:Nononono! Me h'myah [hand at eye level], you guys myah! [hand at chest level] — maybe a little mo down, down in hyah. [hand at foot level. Then he straightens up] SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME. [turns around, walks out, and towards the front door.]
Electronic Head:I'm Bill Curtis.
[Cartman's house, a few minutes later. Cartman paces the floor in his room. Next to him is a computer]
Cartman:I've outgrown all my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [looks at Clyde Frog for a few seconds, then] Oh, great idea, Clyde Frog! [walks over to the chair and hops on] I can meet new friends on the Internet! [clicks the mouse and presses a few keys, then the computer chimes. A list of chat rooms comes up] Here's a chat room: "Men Who Like Young Boys" [moves the cursor to the title and clicks on it] That's perfect. [starts typing] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and would li- [replies start cascading over his message] Wow! Look at all these guys who wanna be my friend! I'll pick… Tony316. [click on Tony's reply and starts typing] Hi Tony. [clicks and reads the reply] "So what are you into?" [replies] Oh, you know, the usual stuff. Smiley-face. [clicks and reads the reply] "Kewl. Wanna get together? [softer] Smiley-face?" [replies] Sure, Tony! That would be… kewl. Winking, smiley, face. [clicks and reads the reply] "Meet me at Mel's Buffet restaurant tomorrow morning." [replies] Sounds good. See you then! Clown hat, curly hair, smiley-face. [clicks, then brightly] You see that, Clyde Frog? Tomorrow I'm gaonna meet my first mature friend!
[Mel's Buffet, next day. Cartman enters and approaches a man seated alone in a booth.]
Cartman:Hi, are you Tony? [the man looks unusually friendly]
Tony:Yeah. You're -Eric?
Cartman:Yeah! [gets into the booth and sits next to Tony]
Tony:[meekly, hands a bag to Cartman] I brought you some candy.
Cartman:[takes the bag] Wow, cool!
Tony:[hands him two books] And some books on Kama Sutra.
Cartman:Neato! Having older friends kicks ass, uh! You see, I've, I've really been having a tough time. I've kind of matured faster than my other friends [Tony places his hand on Cartman's back and starts rubbing with an open smile]; we don't really relate anymore, and, and uh, alright uh, all my friends seem so childish now.
Tony:Yahahahah like having your back rubbed?
Cartman:Heh, yeah! That feels real nice! Thanks. [two agents burst through the main door and head for Tony and Cartman]
Agent:Hold it right there, scumbag!
Tony:[hands off Cartman] Huh?
Agent:[pulls out some handcuffs] We monitored your little online chat. [cuffs Tony] Now you're coming with us! [hauls him away]
Tony:[meekly] No! [the two agents whisk him outside]
Cartman:[concerned] What the hell just happened?
[Kenny's house, early morn. Kenny's tossing in bed, apparently in a nightmare. His dreams are shown, and in each a parent carries a baby]
Mom:You can't eat, Kenny. We have to save food for the baby.
Dad:Your mom and I are going out for a few weeks, Kenny. Take care of the baby.
Mom:Kenny, you have to change the baby's diapers!
Dad:You have to share your room with the baby!
Mom:The baby.
Dad:The baby!
Mom:The baby!!
Kenny:[wakes and sits up] (HAAAAAAAAGH!) [looks around]
[Kenny's house, living room sofa, later. Stuart is still trying to get his wife in the mood]
Mrs. McCormick:[giggles] Stop it!
Stuart:Come on, let's go try to get you pregnant again.
Mrs. McCormick:Oh, alright. [they get up and move when Kenny arrives with glove and baseball]
Kenny:(Dad, I wanna play catch.)
Stuart:Huh? Uh, I'll play catch with your later, son.
Kenny:(But I wanna play now!)
Mrs. McCormick:Oh, go ahead. We can make love afterwards.
Stuart:Aw, alright.
[Kenny's house, front lawn. Kenny stands in the driveway and Stuart stands in front of the tattered sofa]
Stuart:Well alright, here comes a pop fly. See if you can catch it! [tosses it high, but straight for Kenny's glove. Kenny catches it] Good job. Now throw me one. [Kenny takes the ball out of the glove, looks at it in anger, and shoots it straight for his father's groin. Stuart doubles over in pain and covers his crotch] Ohp! Guhhogh! [groaning, he ends up on his side, then throws up]
Mrs. McCormick:[opens the door and rushes out] What happened?!
Stuart:Aw, he smacked me in the balls! [groans some more. Kenny tosses the glove to his mother]
Kenny:[goes inside] (Woohoo!) [Stuart groans some more, then vomits]
[Cartman's house, day. He's back at the computer in his room]
Cartman:Okay, we'll try this again. [starts typing as BigBoned] Hi, everyone. I am a young boy looking for fun times with older male. I like to- [again, his screen fills with cascading replies. He picks one] Oh, this one looks good: HungDaddy. [starts typing] Hello, HungDaddy. [reads the reply] "Hi. I'm eight and a hal inches." Damn, dude, this guy's tiny. He must be a dwarf. [replies] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. Frowny face. [clicks and moves on] Lemme see, how about this one?
[The South Park docks, day. Cartman walks towards the end, where a man in trench coat and baseball cap looks out over the water.]
Cartman:[draws close to the man] Mister Hammerhead?
Mr. Hammerhead:[turns around and is instantly recognizable] Hi there.
Cartman:Mr. Garrison??
Mr. Garrison:[startled] Haah! Eric!
Cartman:You wanna be my friend?
Mr. Garrison:Oh, crap!
Cartman:That's cool, we can hang out. What do you wanna do first?
Mr. Garrison:Huh-uh, nothing! Nothing! [four agents appear and head for him]
Agent:Alright, scumbag, we got you!
Mr. Garrison:[voice quivering] Hey uh, uh, uh. Good thing you guys came. This… little boy was trying to have his way with me.
Agent:Nice try, buddy! We monitored your little online chat—now, you're coming with us! [the four agents, two on either side of Garrison, take him away]
Mr. Garrison:No-o!
Cartman:Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends? This has to be the work of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those guys!
[South Park Clinic, day. Stan and Kyle stand before a picture window.]
Kyle:See? I told you, dude. Those are dialysis machines. [elderly people are seen hooked up to them] Old people have to hook themselves into it with a tube, and it sucks all their body fluids out.
Stan:Oh, man, that's terrible.
Kyle:I know, hunh? Put your mouth against the glass like this. [plants his lips wide on the glass and blows out] Waaaaah! [as the seal takes hold, his cheeks puff up and the inside of his his mouth shows clearly — it is a blow face. Stan smiles]
Stan:Haha, he-yeah ha. [makes his own blow face] Haaaaah.
Kyle:[makes the blow face and wags his tongue at the patients] Bleuh-leuh-leuh-leuh-leuh.
Stan:[does the same] Blaaa-lalalalalalala.
Cartman:[walks up] Alright, just what the hell do you guys think you're doing?!
Stan:[looks and then faces him. Kyle follows] We're making faces at sick people.
Cartman:No! I mean, what the hell are you doing?! Why are all my mature adult friends being "mys-teriously" arrested, huh?! [Stan and Kyle are confused and look at each other]
Stan:We don't know.
Cartman:I'll tell you why! Because you guys are jealous and can't handle the fact that you're immature, and so you've started a government conspiracy against me!
Kyle:We don't know what you're talking about, lardbutt.
Cartman:Lardbut. Oh, that's so mature! Golly, I guess I was wrong about you guys, huh?!
Stan:You're not more mature than us, Cartman!
Cartman:YES I AM!! [Stan and Kyle back up a bit. Cartman turns and walks away]
[South Park Police Department, day. Mr. Garrison and Tony are in the cell, and Officer Barbrady sits at a desk with his feet up]
Mr. Garrison:I'm telling you, this is all a terrible mistake, Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady:Well, the FBI said I have to hold you here, so that's what I'm gonna do, Mr. Complainy Pants.
Mr. Garrison:O-ogh! [returns to the bed and sits]
Tony:Do you like having your back rubbed.
Mr. Garrison:Eat me, pervert!
Tony:Okay. [some commotion is heard outside. A group of men is seen approaching and the front door opens. The men walk in and approach the desk]
Man:We demand you release these men at once!
Officer Barbrady:Who are you?
Man:We are NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association, and we heard about these political prisoners you're keeping?
Officer Barbrady:Political prisoners? No, these are child molesters.
Man:Loving young boys has been around since the time of the Romans, pal! There's nothing wrong with it! We are an organization dedicated to showing that sex between a man and a young boy can be a beautiful thing!
Other NAMBLA Men:[ad lib] Yeah, uh-huh.
Officer Barbrady:[stands up] Uuuh, I don't know who you are, but these men aren't going anywhere until I hear from the FBI.
Man:Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
Other NAMBLA Men:Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
Officer Barbrady:Okay people [the men fall silent], I think you'd better move along before I arrest more of you!
Man:All these men wanted was to love a young boy! [pounds the table a few times] There is nothing wrong with love!
Mr. Garrison:I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. [gasps and shrieks] Aah! I mean, I like women! What did I say?-Oh God! I love titties!
Man:You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together we are strong. [turns and heads for the door] Come on, men! [the others follow him out, chattering]
Officer Barbrady:[sits back down and plops his feet up] Wow, they've got activists for everything these days.
[South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch, night. Dr. Mephesto and Kevin are at a lab table]
Dr. Mephesto:I've done it, Kevin. I've successfully spliced this chipmunk with a piece of provolone chese. [the "cheesemunk" groans] Do you know what this means, Kevin? No more will the world have to look in two different places for squirrels and provolone cheese. No more will mankind have to pick- [the doorbell rings] Who could that be? [walks over and opens the door] Why, it's little Eric Cartman.
Cartman:Dr. Mephesto, I need help.
Dr. Mephesto:Well of course, come in.
Cartman:[follows Mephesto and Kevin in] You see, unfortunately I have matured faster than all my friends. I wanna hang out with older friends, but I can't find any, so I was wondering if you could genetically engineer some older friends for me.
Dr. Mephesto:[stops and faces him] Oh, Eric, I'm afraid it's not that simple. Genetic engineering has not yet evolved to the state where I can just make people.
Cartman:Damnit! But I wanna hang out with older guys!
Dr. Mephesto:Oh. Well, I happen to be a member of an organization that can help you. It's called, NAMBLA.
Dr. Mephesto:Yes. I have been a member for several years. I'm sure they'd let you join. You l-look about right.
Cartman:Hokay, thanks, Dr. Mephesto! [turns and walks out]
Dr. Mephesto:Sure!
[South Park Inn. "No Vacancy" "Welcome NAMBLA." Inside, the NAMBLA leader speaks to the group in a meeting room. On either side of him are portraits of men with boys on their laps. More picture line the walls]
Man:[henceforth, NAMBLA leader] Fellow members of NAMBLA. As you know, hn hn, we continue to be discriminated against. Recently, the FBI has started to arrest men, who are doing nothing more than trying to start a sexual relationship with a young boy.
NAMBLA leader:And now that all etnic groups, homosexuals and womens are protected under civil-rights laws, [pounds on the podium] we want the same!
Members:[weakly] Yeah.
Eager Man:Yeh-hehah-hah.
NAMBLA leader:What we need is proof that young boys want to be members of NAMBLA. That they want love from us. We need a poster child, to show the world that it is a beautiful and wonderful thing and a- [Cartman enters and takes a seat. Men in the back row look on with some awe.] Can we… help you?
Cartman:Yes. I'd like to join your fine organization. Is that cool?
NAMBLA leader:You… do?
NAMBLA leader:[greatly relieved] Oho, thank you. Thank you, Jesus.
Cartman:[looks around] …Sweet.
[South Park Clinic, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand before the picture window. Stan and Kyle make blow faces again. The patients are dismayed. Kenny soon makes a blow face. His parents walk up]
Mrs. McCormick:Well, Kenny, the doctor confirmed it. I'm pregnant! You're gonna have a little brother or sister.
Kenny:(No!!) [the camera zooms in on him]
Mrs. McCormick:Yup, it's for sure!
Stuart:And he fixed my shattered left testicle, too!
Mrs. McCormick:Don't be out too late, Kenny. We need to start movin' stuff out of your room. [the parents walk away]
Kyle:Wow. Your mom's pregnant, Kenny.
Stan:Yeah. Now what are you going to do?
Kenny:(I don't know. But I've gotta think of something.) [turns around and walks away in his parents' direction]
Cartman:[rushes up from the other direction] Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! I got into NAMBLA and you gu-uys didn't!
Kyle:What are you talking about, fatass?
Cartman:Oh, no big deal. I just found a group called NAMBLA with adult members, and they all think that I'm sure mature they want me to be their new poster child is all. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] It looks like I'm finally gonna have mature friends who I can relate to. Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! I'm too mature for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! [turns and walks away]
[South Park Pharmacy, day. Inside, a young blonde girl approaches the counter.]
Pharmacist:Can I help you, young lady?
Kenny:[wearing a blonde wig] (Yes. I'm looking for some morning-after abortion-)
Pharmacist:Oh, you want some morning-after abortion pills. Well, they're right over there. [points to them. Kenny looks]
Kenny:(Thanks.) [walks over and looks at them. He sees "Morning After Abortion Pills," "Baby - B- Gone," "Get it outta me!" "Fetus Flusher" "Pregnant No More Super Size." He takes the "Pregnant No More" pills to the counter]
Pharmacist:Uh, I'm sorry, young lady, but I can't sell that to you without permission from your parents. [Kenny hands him a note that reads:]
I Hereby
Give My
Permission to
Abort her Baby.
- Mother
[he puts down the note] Oh, well, alrighty then. Cash or charge?
[Kenny's house, day. Kenny's in the kitchen mixing a drink. It consists of cocoa, vodka, …and the entire bottle of "Pregnant No More" pills. All 999 of them. In a mug. He finishes, drops down, and heads for the living room]
[Kenny's house, living room. Stuart reads the paper, and Mrs.McCormick is knitting. Kenny enters with the mug]
Kenny:(Look, Mom. I just fixed you a drink.) [a rat climbs onto the sofa headrest; Stuart shoos it away]
Mrs. McCormick:Oh, well that's very sweet of you, Kenny. You made my favorite drink for me.
Kenny:(Here.) [presents the mug]
Mrs. McCormick:But unfortunately, now that I'm pregnant, I can't drink.
Stuart:Well, I can still drink. [grabs the mug and starts chugging away]
Kenny:(No! Daddy!) [looks on as Stuart finishes the mug off]
Stuart:Ogh, that hits the spot. Makes me forget all about my shattered balls. [seeing Kenny looking at him] What? Wwhat's the matter? Uh, why don't you go make me another one of… of… [his stomach starts to churn, and he holds it] Who-o-oa.
Mrs. McCormick:What's the matter?
Kenny:(Uh oh.)
Stuart:Oh, God, I'm gonna crap my pants! [rushes to the bathroom]
[Kenny's house, bathroom. A sign saying "CRAPPER SWEET CRAPPER" hangs on the wall. Stuart drops his pants and briefs, hops on the toilet, and starts crapping]
Stuart:Oohhh, God! [farts and craps in pain] Oooh, my balls! [Kenny appears at the door. Stuart turns around and vomits into the toilet. He alternates between crapping and vomiting, farting all the while] Ooh, God [more alternating between pooping and vomiting as Kenny just stares]
[Photo-Dojo, day. Members of NAMBLA surround the photographer as he takes pictures.]
NAMBLA Member:Just a few more pictures, Eric. You make a perfect posture child.
Cartman:Thanks, dude. [poses for several shots before a curtain that says "I LOVE NAMBLA"]
NAMBLA leader:[arrives with some other rmembers] Uh hey, Eric, we have a surprise for you. We want to have a big dinner and dance honoring you as our new poster child.
Cartman:Really? Awesome!
NAMBLA leader:Yes, and and we you to um… invite all your young male friends. [the guys behind him start to drool]
Cartman:Oh. Well, sure. I have some friends who want to be mature, [looks back at the camera and mumbles] excluding Stan and Kyle, of course.
NAMBLA leader:Great, hnn. You go invite your little friends, and we'll get the hotel ready.
[Kenny's house, day. Kenny's on the sofa watching television.]
Mrs. McCormick:[off-screen] Kenny?? Don't forget to clean out your room so we can paint it for the baby. [Kenny hops off as one commercial ends. Another one draws his attention.]
Announcer:[echo on] Hey, are you feeling down? You need some excitement. And North Park Funland has just opened its newest ride! The John Denver Experience! [the ride is demonstrated] You'll be Rocky Mountain High with this, the most EXTREME, INSANE RIDE EVER BUILT.
Guy 1:[holds up right thumb] -fun.
Guy 2:[holds up left thumb] -fun.
Announcer:Note: people with heart conditions and expectant mothers should not ride the JOHN DENVER! Opne now! Come on down!
Kenny:(Mom!) [walks away]
[North Park Funland, day. People file in. The McCormicks are in line to go on the John Denver Experience]
Stuart:Are you sure you should be going on this thing?
Mrs. McCormick:Oh, it's all right. [in a low voice] You know, I thnk maybe Kenny's been a little worried about the new baby. We have to show him that he's still our little boy. [the line moves forward. Kenny and his parents find seats in the first row. The ride itself is wrapped in the body of a small plane, with a wing serving as a ramp]
Operator:[speaks into a muffled PA system] Folks, please keep your hands and arms inside the John Denver Experience at all times. There's no sense in trying to unloop at the latch at any time during the ride here at the John Denver Experience. Have fun.
Stuart:What did he say? [the ride swings up smoothly, but at the top it swings into high gear, slamming into tha platform during one swing, into a building during another swing, and back and forth this way a few times. Mrs. McCormick is enjoying it quite a bit. The ride ends with a slam into a large pool, where the plane rests upside down] …John Denver Experience.
[North Park Funland, John Denver Experience exit. Riders exit. The McCormicks are the last ones out]
Stuart:Oh, God, my nose! I think I broke my nose!
Mrs. McCormick:Come on, Stuart, let's just get you to a bathroom.
Stuart:Oh, I'm not gonna make it. I'm gonna be sick! [heads for the nearest trash can and vomits into it. A woman carrying her baby moves away. He grabs his stomach] Oh, my stuhomach! [pulls down his pants and poops in the trash can] Oh, my nose! [sneezes blood into the trash can] Augh! [vomits, poops, and sneezes, and this goes on for quite a while. Kenny simply slaps his hand to his head and rolls his eyes.]
[South Park, day. Cartman runs into the boys in front of the South Park Clinic]
Cartman:Oh, Stan, Kyle, just the guys I wanted to see! My NAMBLA organization is having a very important benefit in my honor.
Kyle:They are?
Cartman:We're gonna have a big, mature party at this hotel, and I can invite all my mature friends that I want. And that means I'm gonna invite everybody! Except for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!
Stan:[angry] We don't wanna go to some stupid adult meeting anyway!
Cartman:Well, that's nice, 'cause you can't go.
Kyle:We don't wanna go!
Cartman:You can't go.
Kyle:We don't WANNA go!
Cartman:No, you CAN'T go. [turns around and walks away] Hey, Clyde, Butters, check this out
Stan:Dude, maybe we do need to start being more mature.
Kyle:Yeah. I guess we gotta try to get into that club, too.
[Kenny's house, day. He is asleep again in his room. Another nightmare appears. The scene is a delivery room at Hell's Pass Hospital. Kenny's mom is about to give birth, and Dr. Doctor is there with a nurse and Stuart]
Dr. Doctor:You're doing fine, Ms. McCormick. [sees Kenny sneaking a peek] It's alright, Kenny. Come see the miracle of life. [Kenny approaches and is covered in amniotic fluid as his mom's water bursts]
Dr. Doctor:I can see its head!
Ms. McCormick:You can?
Dr. Doctor:Push, now. Push hard! [Ms.McCormick holds onto Stuart's hand hard and pushes the baby out. The doctor shields his face] Oh my God. [the nurse screams in horror]
Ms. McCormick:What is it?? [the baby is shown; it is a mutant with long claws and a nasty disposition]
Dr. Doctor:[turns to run] It's ali- [the mutant baby decapitates Dr. Doctor, the nurse, and Kenny]
Stuart:Oh my God, it killed Kenny!
Ms.McCormick:Bad baby, bad!
Kenny:[sits up awake] (Huh. Huh??) [looks around and realizes he's awake] (That does it!) [jops off, goes to the bathroom and gets a plunger. Then he leaves the restroom]
[Kenny's house, living room. Mrs. McCormick is reading a book when Kenny enters with he plunger]
Mrs. McCormick:[lowers the book] Oh, hi Kenny. What are ya doin'? [he lifts the plunger and aims it at her] Uh what are you doing, Kenny? [he fixes his gaze on her] Kenny, what are you going to plunge?
Kenny:[rushes at her with the plunger] (AAAARRRRHHH!)
Mrs. McCormick:Aaaaaaah! [jumps off the sofa and runs away] AAAAA! [Stuart arrives as Kenny pursues his mom]
Stuart:Kenny, what the hell are you doing?! [follows them out]
[South Park Inn, day. Schmaltzy music plays as the camera looks at a large sign that says "I LOVE NAMBLA HONORARY DINNER" and has a picture of Eric posing under a spotlight at its center. Present in the ballroom are Cartman, Butters, several other boys, and the men they've partnered up with. The doors open and in walk Stan and Kyle, with their partners.]
Cartman:[sees them] What the hell? [hops off his chair and walks towards them] Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?! This is for mature people only!
Stan:We got invited too, fatass
Cartman:Hunh. [rolls his eyes] Well, I guess nowadays, they allow any old schmucks into NAMBLA.
NAMBLA Leader:[now at the podium, a little giddy] Fellow NAMBLA members, it is great to see you all here. It seems like we have finally found a city that won't oppress us.
NAMBLA MemberOh, yeah. [others cheer]
NAMBLA Leader:First and foremost, I wanna recognize Eric Cartman, for putting us in touch with all of you pretty, young boys.
Cartman:[graciously, amid some applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. [takes a bow] Thank you.
NAMBLA Leader:Now, I know that many of us have already found partners in this fahine city, and I'd like to take a minute to hear some testimonials from members.
Stan:This is boring.
Member 1:Ho hohohoho
Member 2:Woohoohoohoohoo. [others react similarly, lustily]
NAMBLA Leader:[barely containing his glee] Ho, goodness! What a gift from God! Aha ha, we'll… "get" …to it very soon, I assure you. But first, I'd just like to hear from a couple of you on your progress. Uh yes, Patrick.
Patrick:Uh I, I found a little eight-year-old named Buttehers. He's a beautiful [Butters lights up], bright, little boy.
Butters:Well, uh I sure am, I guess.
Patrick:And his skin is as soft as fresh linen. [the other men savor the statement]
Stan:[to Kyle] That seems kind of… weird.
Patrick:Well, my skin is ssspringtime sssoft, I suppose.
NAMBLA Leader:Wonderful, heh hn. And how about you, Mr. Harris?
Mr. Harris:[with a stammer] Well, I want to announce that I may have found the dream boy of the decade. He's sexy, sassy, and full of spunk. His name is Timmy.
Timmy:TIMMMIHH, tih, Timmih?
NAMBLA Leader:Wuhell, members, I know we're all eager to get acquainted with our new partners and, so why don't we turn down the lights and start to dance! [the DJ starts the music again, and the boys and their partners take the dance floor. Stan and Kyle stay in their seats, as do Cartman and his partner.]
[South Park Elementary, 8:05 p.m., Cafeteria. The main doors are closed as the FBI shows up in force.]
Lead Agent:Alright, I want those perverted bastards all taken in. Got it?
Agents:Got it!
[South Park Elementary, 8:05 p.m., Cafeteria. Inside, Mephesto holds court on the podium in front of a NAMBLA banner, but this NAMBLA is different…]
Mephesto:[Kevin at his side] Hello, NAMBLA members. As the South Park representative- [the doors fly open and the FBI agents fill the room]
Lead Agent:[heading for Mephesto] Hold it right there!
Agent 1:Freeze!
Agent 2:Don't nobody move!
Mephesto:What's going on? [four rifles and a shotgun are pointed at him]
Lead Agent:Alright, sickos. Where are the children?! [the NAMBLA members look at each other confused]
Mephesto:What children?
Lead Agent:This… is… NAMBLA, right?
Lead Agent:The North American Man/Boy Love Association?
Mephesto:[startled] What? No! [Points to the banner behind him] We're the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes. [a shot of the members is shown, and many of them do look like Marlon Brando]
Blond Agent:Aw, crap! We got the wrong NAMBLA.
Mr. Garrison:Aw, damnit, I'm in the wrong place. [gets up and walks out]
Mephesto:Don't tell me that that other NAMBLA is actually in South Park?!
Lead Agent:You know of them?
Blond Member:Know of them? We've been fighting with them for years over the rights to!
Brunet Member:Yeah, those perverted bastards!
Blond Agent:Wow. You guys really do look a lot like Marlon Brando.
Mephesto:Thank you. Now, let's go get those othe NAMBLA bastards before they hurt any of South Park's children!
Members:Yeah! Yeah!
Black Member:And let's kick their asses for stealin' our domain name!
Members:Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[South Park Inn, evening. NAMBLA members and their boys are still dancing. The NAMBLA leader stpes up to the podium]
NAMBLA Leader:[Cartman stands next to him] Alright, members, that's enough of that. [the music is stopped] It's time for all of us to retire to our respective rooms, and get to know our new young boys. [NAMBLA menbers rub their hands react lustily]
Member 3:All right.
Member 4:Alright.
Kyle:Dude. Being mature is boring!
NAMBLA Leader:Everyone come up and grab your room keys and we'll head upstairs, hm hm.
[South Park Inn, upstairs. French music begins to play, and the men and boys appear at the top of the stairs and go to their respective rooms. After a few moments…]
The Boys:Aaaaah! [all pour out into the hallway]
Stan:Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!
Kyle:I know, dude! Let's get the hell out of here! [music resumes. All the boys turn and head for the stairs, only to see shadows moving up the wall, and they stop in their tracks]
Stan:Aah! There's more of them! Quick, hide! [the boys run into room 1A. Mephesto shows up and leads the other look-alikes onto the hallway]
Mephesto:Alright, Marlon Brandos, they've got to be here somewhere. Let's try this room. [they enter 2E. The FBI then arrives amid much commotion]
Lead Agent:Let's get those perverts! [the agents fan out and enter all rooms except 1A and 2E. A waiter heads for the stairs with a tray, but naked NAMBLA members pour out of their rooms and startle him. The tray flies off his hand]
Waiter:Sacre blue! [picks up the tray and heads back to the room he left. The NAMBLA members go into 1A]
The Boys:Whoa! [pour out of 1A and head down the hall to 2E. The door there opens and the Marlon Brandos peek out]
The Boys and The Brandos:Aaah! [the boys run to 1E, the Brandos go back into 2E, and the doors to both are shut]
Mrs.McCormick:[enters the hallway from the stairs] Kenny, no! Leave me alone [heads into 1C]
Kenny:(Come here, mom! Let me get it!) [follows her in. The agents pour out of the rooms and switch places, again avoiding 1A and 2E. Stuart arrives and looks around]
Stuart:Kenny?? [enters 2C. The waiter again heads for the stairs with the tray]
Waiter:Zis time, I will not drop zeh food. [makes it to the top of the stairs, but drops the tray when the NAMBLA members exit 1A] Allo!
NAMBLA Leader:It's clear. The cops are gone. Where's the boys?! [the NAMBLA members enter 2A]
Waiter:[picks up the tray and goes back down the hall, angrily] Sacre bleu! [the door to 2E opens and the Marlon Brandos step out]
Mephesto:I think the boys went in here. [the Brandos enter 1E]
The Boys:[all exit 1E] Aaaaaah!
Timmy:Timmih! [all enter 2D. A poodle on a ball exits 1C and enters 2D. The NAMBLA members exit 2A and head for 1C]
NAMBLA Leader:Maybe the boys are in here. Oh bo-oys? [the NAMBLA members enter 1C. Kenny's mom and Kenny exit 1C]
Mrs. McCormick:Kenny, GIVE IT UP!
Kenny:(Come on!) [both enter 2C. The waiter heads for the stairs again with the tray, but Marlon Brandos and FBI agents pour out of 1E]
Waiter:[falls backwards] Waaah!
Lead Agent:Alright, you're under arrest!
Mephesto:No! You've got the wrong NAMBLA again!
Lead Agent:Damnit!
Agent:Hey, we didn't try that room! [Brandos and agents head for 2A and enter. Two guys in vintage bikes ride across from 2D to 1D]
Waiter:[exasperated, gets up with the tray] Sacre bleu. [walks away, having given up on the stairs]
[South Park Inn, a room. The boys are safe, but tired]
Kyle:[panting] Dude! We're surrounded by perverts.
Cartman:They're all over the place.
Token:[Token joins the group] What are we gonna do?!
Stan:Well, Cartman, you got everybody into this, you have to figure out a way to get everybody out.
The Boys:Yeah.
Cartman:Uuh, that's, that's fine. I know how to get us out.
Cartman:Well, look. Those perverts aren't going to rest until they've made love to one of us. Right? So,… somebody's just gonna have to go out there and and… take one for the team. [the other boys are shocked at the thought] And I think, in all fairness, it should be Butters. [presents him]
Butters:Huh?? Uh-uh well, huh, why me?
Cartman:Now, are you a team player or not?!
Butters:Well, sure, u-uh I'm a team player-uh, I guess.
Cartman:Well, Butters, there is no I in "team."
Butters:Huh-you mean to expect me to go out there and let all those… huhu-horny old men… have their way with my fragile person?? Well just what team is this anyway?!
Cartman:Just go, Butters. We're running out of time.
Butters:Well uuh-uuh-alright then. [heads for the door. Stan sees him out and Cartman closes the door]
Cartman:Heh, he's such a dumba-a-ass.
[South Park Inn, hallway. Butters is there all alone]
Butters:Well, alright men. Here, here I come. [puts his hands over his eyes and moves across the hall] I'm ready to take one for the team. [enters 1D.]
Stuart:[exits 2D] Kenny?! Kenny, I've had enough of your shenanigans! [enters 1E]
NAMBLA Leader:[inside 1E] Oh, one of the boys just came in. [the members surround him and being their activity…]
Stuart:What the-? No, wait, no, WAH, NO, WAAAAAH! [Butters steps out of 1D, listens in at the door to 1E, turns around and walks away.]
[South Park Inn, outside. The inn has been cleared, so everyone stands outside. An ambulance awaits a victim, who is soon on a stretcher]
Mrs. McCormick:[voice shaking, approaches] Are you alright, Stuart?
Stuart:[sobbing] Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, have been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men—I just wanna go home and take a, a hot bath! [the NAMBLA members are in cuffs]
Lead Agent:[to NAMBLA Leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?
NAMBLA Leader:Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Our forefathers came to this country because… they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman look at each other] You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand. [Stan and Kyle look at each other, then at the NAMBLA leader]
Kyle:Dude. You have sex with children.
NAMBLA Leader:We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away. [shots of the agents, then the Brando look-alikes, then Stan and Kyle, who look at each other, then at the NAMBLA leader]
Kyle:[slowly, for emphasis] Dude. You have sex with children.
Stan:Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
Lead Agent:Alright, that's enough. You're all going to be put away for a long time. [The agents escort the NAMBLA members away. The members groan. The boys gather around Stan, Kyle, and Cartman]
Kyle:Well, Cartman
Cartman:Well, what?
Kyle:Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?
The Boys:Yeah!
Cartman:Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.
Stan:And now, do you still think that you need to hang out with older, mature friends?
Cartman:No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long. [the paramedics finish putting Stuart into the ambulance and head for the cab]
Paramedic:Okay, let's roll. [the siren goes on. The ambulance goes into reverse and crushes Kenny under its rear wheels, then speeds off]
[Hell's Pass Hospital, Delivery Room. Mrs. McCormick has a new baby in her arms, and Stuart looks at it with her]
Nurse:[voice-over] Dr. Flores, dial 18-
Stuart:Coo, cootchy-coo, coohoohoohoo, cootchy-coo.
Mrs. McCormick:Our little angel, yes.
Stuart:Oh, he's so beautiful. I know it's been hard on both of us losing poor Kenny. But this new baby kind of reminds me of him. [a shot of the baby reveals a boy in a little orange parka with the hood tight on his face, like Kenny before him]
Mrs. McCormick:What should we name him?
Stuart:Well, seeing as though Kenny passed away, maybe we should name him ah,… Kenny.
Mrs. McCormick:Yes. Kenny's such a great name. My little Kenny, a brand-new Kenny.
Stuart:God, this must be the fiftieth time this has happened.
Mrs. McCormick:Fifty-second.
[End of Cartman Joins NAMBLA. The French song plays again.]